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278 pages, Paperback
Published June 1, 2018
'"Colonel Bacchus. I've heard of you, remember. They say you traverse continents in a day's time, draped in doting cherubs and ribbons of white cloud."
"The timetable may be off, and I can't speak to the nude infants, but I suppose we do tow a bit of cumulonimbus every so often. Anything else you've heard is likely understated rumours of debauchery, which cannot stand in place of a proper introduction. I am Colonel James Bacchus, citizen explorer of this marvellous world and tenacious solver of its inhabitants' many problems. Friends simply call me, Colonel."'
'"No need to reinvent the wheel. To best this Saint we shall take a page out of the book of another. Saint Nicholas."
"Father Christmas?" I laughed.
"The very same. His habit of dressing like the British Infantry and practices of animal husbandry we can do without. Ditto the list of good and bad children. What arrogance to pass judgement on the world's juvenile populace! What bizarre Polar standard informs these decisions? Where's the transparency!"
"Colonel! What's he to do with your plan?" I said.
"Yes, well, it's his method of chimney infiltration we're after."'