Preparations

by Mark Mills

Ronald T. Turner is prepared for anything--and the zombies are prepared for him.

Genres: Short Stories, Zombies, Horror

32 pages, Kindle Edition

First published February 1, 2011

About the author

Librarian note:
There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name
This profile may contain books from multiple authors of this name

Reviews

[karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

A rotten hand snaked out from behind a desk and grabbed his sleeve.

Ronald always went over his clothes with razor blades before wearing them, carefully sawing away at the seams so they would rip if pulled. His sleeve tore off, and the zombie stuffed the cloth in its mouth before realizing its mistake. But others were popping up, blocking the path to the door. He’d never get to the exit now, but he might make it back to the bathroom.

A huge zombie, the remnant of a man too obese to walk while alive, shuffled towards him, the first of a pack. Ronald vaulted over a desk, scattering registration forms and pens, dodged the fat zombie, and ran towards the bathroom.

He’d practiced just this maneuver hundreds of times at home.

there wasn't a new free tor short this week, so, to honor SPOOKTOBER, i went back into the archives to find a horror-short i hadn't yet read and landed on this one; a humorous tale about the devastating hubris of the zombie-prepper.

it's short and funny, and it was just the thing i needed to start my day off on the right shamble-draggy foot. how can someone who has been preparing for a zombie invasion get caught off-guard?



enter the bmv.

just for funsies, after reading this story, i decided to play a round of "Typo or Real Thing?", and TIL: while many of the united states have a department of motor vehicles (DMV), indiana, maine, and ohio have a BMV—a bureau of motor vehicles. but wait, it gets even MORE interesting (debatable). check this shit out:

Alabama – AL – MVD (Motor Vehicle Division)
Alaska – AK – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
Arizona – AZ – MVD (Motor Vehicle Division)
Arkansas – AR – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
California – CA – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
Colorado – CO – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
Connecticut – CT – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
Delaware – DE – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
Florida – FL – HSMV (Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles)
Georgia- GA – DDS (Department of Driver Services)
Hawaii – HI – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
Idaho – ID – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
Illinois – IL – DSD (Driver Services Department)
Indiana – IN – BMV (Bureau of Motor Vehicles)
Iowa – IA – MVD (Motor Vehicle Division)
Kansas – KS – DOV (Division of Vehicles)
Kentucky – KY – Driver Services & Vehicle Services
Louisiana – LA – Office of Motor Vehicles
Maine – ME – BMV (Bureau of Motor Vehicles)
Maryland – MD – MVA (Motor Vehicle Administration)
Massachusetts – MA – RMV (Registry of Motor Vehicles)
Michigan – MI – Michigan DMV is under the SOS (Secretary of State)
Minnesota – MN – DVS (Driver and Vehicle Services)
Mississippi – MS – Driver Service Bureau
Missouri – MO – DMV
Montana – MT – MVD (Motor Vehicle Division)
Nebraska – NE – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
Nevada – NV – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
New Hampshire – NH – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
New Jersey – NJ – MVC (Motor Vehicle Commission)
New Mexico – NM – MVD (Motor Vehicle Division)
New York – NY – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
North Carolina – NC – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
North Dakota – ND – ND driver services are under the DOT (Department of Transportation)
Ohio – OH – BMV (Bureau of Motor Vehicles)
Oklahoma – OK – OK driver services are under DPS (Department of Public Safety)
Oregon – OR – DMV
Pennsylvania – PA –DMV
Rhode Island – RI – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
South Carolina – SC – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
South Dakota – SD – SD DMV services are under DPS (Department of Public Safety) and DOR (Department of Revenue)
Tennessee – TN – Driver Services
Texas – TX – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
Utah – UT – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
Vermont – VT – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
Virginia – VA – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
Washington DC – DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles)
Washington – WA – DOL (Department of Licensing)
West Virginia – WV – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
Wisconsin – WI – DMV (Division of Motor Vehicles)
Wyoming – WY – WYDOT Driver Services

SOURCE: https://ivannovation.com/blog/the-meg...

i've lived in new york for more than half my life, but i'm FROM rhode island, and i didn't even know that we were a division of motor vehicles; i always thought it was a department. are these state-to-state differences an acronymic quirk everyone knows about except for dummies like me who never got their driver's license? what a crazy little world.



so, look—i know 2020 has been divisive and horrible, but it's an election year, and i don't want to get all political or anything, but now more than ever, can we please think about what's best for our nation and unite our motor vehicle departments under one uniform banner? for the children?

anyway, while this story may not be as scary as all of the things happening in the realworld right now, maybe that's a good thing, yeah? plus, that bonus tip about clothing-prep for a potential zombie attack, the fascinating vehicular division-divisions, and—i don't know how this is possible given my not infrequent trips to the land of zombie entertainment, but i had never heard the term "vigor mortis" before this story, and i LOVE it. so, three good things for me, plus i loved the ending, which gave me a shudder when i went back and reread the first paragraph, because his description of THAT SOUND is spot on and super-icky.

be smart, be well, drive safely.



read it for yourself here:

https://www.tor.com/2010/09/16/prepar...

come to my blog!!!

[Sr3yas · Rating 3 out of 5]

On scale of one to ten, how prepared are you for Zombie Apocalypse? No, don't answer that. Even if you are a 10, it could all go wrong in a blink of an eye!

Preparations, In zombie terms, reminds me of following things.

The main character?

Zombieland

Possible Zombie origin?

Legion (Demonic/ supernatural zombies)

Possible Zombie characteristics?

Walking dead on steroids

The ending?

World War Z/ How did North Korea survive?

Read this short story here ---> https://www.tor.com/2010/09/16/prepar...

[Jokoloyo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Illustrated by Brian Elig.

I have a cousin who like watching zombie movies, and from him I heard about fast zombies, slow zombies, Romero, Russo, etc. The main character of this story reminds me of my cousin. The main character knows a lot of zombie stuff and prepared for any zombie apocalypse. It is the main attraction of the story, how a well-trained person in zombie-apocalypse survival scenarios try to fight against an unexpected zombie-apocalypse.

This story has quick pace, interesting POV, and unexpected ending. An almost perfect short story.

[TL *Humaning the Best She Can* · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 Stars

A sometimes amusing Zombie story. At a couple points it felt rushed and there were a couple things I wish were expanded upon but overall it kept my interest and left me wishing it had been longer.

I'd count that for a few points :).
The ending had me shaking my head in a "I wouldn't have thought of that" kind of way. Made me want to give him a high five.

Worth a read, it's shorter than what the goodreads info says though (just to give ya a heads up).
----
Not long before that, Ronald had been sitting on the toilet seat and listening to the zombies paw at the locked door.

These zombies understood the mechanics of doorknobs, but weren’t quite smart enough to use tools to batter down doors. More Russo zombies than Romero or Brooks. But not textbook Russos: They grunted and snarled, but none of them spoke.


At least they weren’t fast.
Read the story here

[Zain · Rating 3 out of 5]

Zombie Prep 101!

Ronald T. Turner has spent years planning for the zombie apocalypse.

It happened while he was at the BMV, getting his new, unwanted car registered.

Now it’s time to put all those years of preparation to work.

[Fiona Knight · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ronald wasn’t the type to be caught blind by zombies—in fact, he was only in this mess because of a SNAFU with his registration at the BMV. The BMV prohibited concealed weapons, even permited ones, so Ronald was even more vulnerable here than when he showered. The car was hardly worth the hassle, even in normal circumstances. He had three durable bikes at home—what did he need with a vehicle that required fuel? But one of his buddies on the zombie message board had said it was a vital part of the toolkit in case you needed to leave the area entirely, so he’d grudgingly plunked down for a used car.

“Too bad,” the withered red-haired woman behind the counter told him, as she looked at his papers. “You could have just mailed this in if you had form 89B-4.”

Before Ronald could answer, the screaming began.

Ronald T. Turner really was prepared - too bad about the timing. But as he is more than ready to show us, preparedness isn't just a target to hit, it's a whole mindset.

Free from Tor here: https://www.tor.com/2010/09/16/prepar...

[Igrowastreesgrow · Rating 5 out of 5]

An unfortunate victim but offered a hilarious and unthought of solution.

[Jason Pierce · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this because it was short, and I saw someone else had just read it, and I liked her review. If it had been longer, I probably wouldn't have bothered. I'm one of the only people I know who really couldn't give a rip about zombies. I have friends who are all into them. They have zombie apocalypse preparedness plans, and zombie apocalypse teams, and watch all the millions of shows and movies about them, and read zombie stories, and zombie books, and have zombie pictures and posters and computer backdrops, and talk to zombie enthusiasts online, and they do the annual Richmond zombie walk...



...which has been canceled this year since not even zombies can battle Guvnuh Raff Nawthum's COVID response edicts, suh! (But you're still more than welcome to attend your nearest protest or riot, sans mask if you wish.) And I really don't understand why zombies are fine killing people, but can't find it within themselves to disobey that one rule, and just shuffle down the street anyway. Hell, if I were a zombie and had been told "no walk down Cary Street for you this year," I'd get a bunch of zombie cronies together, take it straight to the executive mansion on the scheduled date and simply call it a protest, which, of course, would be sanctioned. But, I'm led to believe zombies aren't that smart.

I've been interviewed by friends to see if I can be on their team (they initiated these interactions; I would never seek out such a thing), and they quickly dismissed me. Not because I wouldn't be any good (though I probably wouldn't), but because I was all like...



I couldn't tell if these people were in earnest or joking. They sure seemed serious to me, but who am I to judge? I believe in ghosts, and some of these same people don't, and they think I'm the crazy one. I concede the possibility, but I also think they're nuts.

But, as I said, I'm about as apathetic about this zombie craze as one can be. I love Michael Jackson's Thriller video, but that's about as far as it goes, and that's really more about the music and dancing. Therefore it was hard to get into this. The main character is impressed with how prepared he is for every contingency when the zombie plague hits, though he never mentioned anything about this:



Still, in one of life's great ironies, the shit goes down at the one moment when he's away from everything that could help him. He's less concerned about surviving and more upset about what other survivors will think when they find him because he was supposed to be the bee's knees at preparedness, God dammit. That theme tickled me enough to push this to three stars instead of just two.

You can read it for yourself here. It shouldn't take more than a few minutes, so I won't spoil anything. Enjoy.

[Maggie Gordon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ha! Our main character is a man who has spent his life preparing against zombies, but the apocalypse happens while he's standing in the DMV and unprotected. How inconvenient and annoying! All his plans fail him, and he's left trying to figure out how to prove to the world that he really was thinking ahead... It's nice to see some humour in the zombie genre! Black comedy, but very laughter worthy nevertheless.

[Nadine in NY Jones · Rating 2 out of 5]

Are you ready for the zombie apocalypse? Is anyone ever REALLY ready??

This is a really fun and clever idea, but it's lacking a bit in execution. I WANTED to love it, but I just couldn't get there. I think the jumping back and forth in time, combined with the overly clever "I'm leaving something out, just wait, just wait for it" nature of the storytelling just put me off. Also, "BMV" looks weird to me.


read it for yourself here:
https://www.tor.com/2010/09/16/prepar...

[Badseedgirl · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a very short short story and appears to be a bit on the comedic side right up until the last paragraph when it takes a rather dark and, if you think about it, sort of a tragic turn of events.

[Tessa · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is actually a really good story! I feel like I'd have the same luck as this poor man.

[Kate · Rating 3 out of 5]

A brief story of a zombie enthusiast who still manages to keep it classy after the unthinkable happens.

[Vamps R Us · Rating 3 out of 5]

This short story is amusing. I don't know that it's worth the $.99 price tag attached to it at Barnes and Noble (it's only 9 pages, not all of those are text, and not a whole lot is accomplished save the punch line), having already bought it I'm not sorry I read it.


Read rest of review here: http://vampsrus.blogspot.com/2011/02/...

[Kimikimi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Another Tor.com short story

And I mean short! I'd love to get my brother reading this zombie story.

[Dustin]

http://www.tor.com/2010/09/16/prepara...

[Jeremy Cox · Rating 3 out of 5]

I don't love zombie stories, but this one was fairly amusing. You can't be prepared for the zombie apocalypse if you aren't always prepared.