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235 pages, Paperback
First published June 1, 1968
Where did one start when it was no longer clear how one had gotten to where one was now? By what folly? By what minute surrenders? By what self-neglect?
So there it was, altered. I had the word. In my absence, in my exile, when I too was long gone, the place, of infinite extension, the remembered place, had been altered.
I had wished to create something between us; something, I admit, involved his slipping into a category of a kind: that is, a son, a protege, or a pupil, or simply a younger version of myself, or, in a queer way, a younger version that I hoped to become, that is, to go backward to him and therefore to be able to go forward again… but he resisted all categories.
I am condemned to a fiction of myself. To a false well-being. To a counterfeit success.