What do you think?
Rate this book
In On It: What Adoptive Parents Would Like You To Know About Adoption. A Guide for Relatives and Friends.
One adoption social worker called In On It "the adoption book for everyone else" -- the grandparents and friends, neighbors and colleagues, aunts and uncles, teachers and caregivers of adoptive families. In On It contains helpful advice and instructive anecdotes from adoptive parents, adult adoptees, adoption professionals, and the friends and relatives of already established adoptive families. The author, an adoptive parent herself, has written an informative, friendly and very useful adoption guide that informs and enlightens readers, even as it offers them a warm welcome into adoption.
184 pages, Paperback
First published October 1, 2010
72 people are currently reading
364 people want to read
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews
August 21, 2018
This clever little book is intended for friends and family once you have decided to announce you are adopting, to "help them" understand a few things, like:
-Adopting is personal and a long process, and this is not a whim
-Whether or not the couple had fertility issues, and what they did before deciding to adopt is none of your business
-Adoption is not about you
-Adopted children have a right to their privacy
-And other bad assumptions...
It is very direct and I particularly appreciated the discussion of older children (those adopted from foster care, for instance) and the difference between the "juvenile delinquent" story that is told about older adoptees and reality.
The author also addresses the need for a new family to cocoon and really get to know each other. I bet she wishes she had this book to hand out when she adopted! I haven't seen anything like it.
-Adopting is personal and a long process, and this is not a whim
-Whether or not the couple had fertility issues, and what they did before deciding to adopt is none of your business
-Adoption is not about you
-Adopted children have a right to their privacy
-And other bad assumptions...
It is very direct and I particularly appreciated the discussion of older children (those adopted from foster care, for instance) and the difference between the "juvenile delinquent" story that is told about older adoptees and reality.
The author also addresses the need for a new family to cocoon and really get to know each other. I bet she wishes she had this book to hand out when she adopted! I haven't seen anything like it.
June 20, 2019
I could NOT put this book down. I like to think myself fairly well clued-in, but less than a chapter in, I was confronted with the magnitude of some aspects of my friend's adoption journey - even things I thought I already understood. I have a whole new appreciation for the intense care and effort my friend and her husband have and will continue to put forth throughout their journey.
I also appreciated that this mother had so much understanding and gave such validation to friends, family, especially parents(grandparents-to-be), who all have their own process to go through in each step of the adoption journey. As part of the "adoption circle", we have a distinct role to play, and the author both affirms and gives immense responsibility to that role. I can only hope to be the open, supportive friend they need and fill that role responsibly. I think this book will help me to better do that.
I also appreciated that this mother had so much understanding and gave such validation to friends, family, especially parents(grandparents-to-be), who all have their own process to go through in each step of the adoption journey. As part of the "adoption circle", we have a distinct role to play, and the author both affirms and gives immense responsibility to that role. I can only hope to be the open, supportive friend they need and fill that role responsibly. I think this book will help me to better do that.
January 15, 2019
I Learned A Lot!
I’m an expecting adoptive grandparent and I’ve found this book to be very informative. I knew nothing about adoption and didn’t know where to turn. This book was recommended by a social worker and I’m glad I read it. It answers so many questions. Great information on what people might ask about our adopted grandchild and responses to give them. Our grandchild isn’t here yet but will be someday soon and I’m feeling more prepared now.
I’m an expecting adoptive grandparent and I’ve found this book to be very informative. I knew nothing about adoption and didn’t know where to turn. This book was recommended by a social worker and I’m glad I read it. It answers so many questions. Great information on what people might ask about our adopted grandchild and responses to give them. Our grandchild isn’t here yet but will be someday soon and I’m feeling more prepared now.
February 6, 2015
I loved the idea of this book. My husband and I decided to adopt from foster care and are telling all our loved ones. My parents (the future kids' grandparents) will be a big part of the kids' lives, so I wanted to share with my parents some of the education I've been getting myself. Like many people, I knew nothing about the foster care system. I was shocked at the sheer numbers of children in foster care and the disparity between races. The levels of abuse, neglect and loss that these children suffer is mind-boggling to me. As I've been reading and learning, I've been passing some of that knowledge on, so I thought it would be nice to have a concise resource for my parents to read and feel that they too were preparing themselves.
I'm so glad I read this before giving it to my parents. Frankly, I think they would've found it insulting. Though this was written with good intentions, the author touches on only the most basic concepts (and I learned none of what I mentioned above from this book). The ideas are so simplistic that anybody with a basic sense of empathy would already have considered them. Also, it is really very short. The margins are wide and I read this easily in about an hour. The author would've done her readers a service by focusing on one topic of adoption. More than anything she deals with private adoption, so if she had made this about that and gotten into the details, it would be more worthwhile for those adopting privately.
I would've done better to save the money and direct my parents to about.com and the parenting/foster care branches of that website. Also, I just read the exceptional The Foster Parenting Toolbox, which I will be giving to my parents to read. It's more information than they need, but they can skip around and read what interests them. They are intelligent, thoughtful people who already know not to grill the kid about his/her birthmother and to ask us helpful questions about the process.
My other concern is that reading this book may make caring individuals sanitize their thoughts in conversations with loved ones. I don't want to have politically correct conversations about fost-adopt with two of the most important people in my life. If they ask inappropriate questions, that's a great chance for me to teach them more of what I know. I would be afraid that a book like this would scare loving relatives that they're going to say the wrong thing, when there is already enough else to worry about. My husband and I are more open and assertive than many people, but I will take a relationship in which my parents sometimes ask things that are offensive or annoying (which doesn't really happen), over one in which they feel they can't speak their mind or share their concerns.
In short, I do not recommend this book to anyone other than an individual adopting privately whose loved ones are pretty tactless.
I'm so glad I read this before giving it to my parents. Frankly, I think they would've found it insulting. Though this was written with good intentions, the author touches on only the most basic concepts (and I learned none of what I mentioned above from this book). The ideas are so simplistic that anybody with a basic sense of empathy would already have considered them. Also, it is really very short. The margins are wide and I read this easily in about an hour. The author would've done her readers a service by focusing on one topic of adoption. More than anything she deals with private adoption, so if she had made this about that and gotten into the details, it would be more worthwhile for those adopting privately.
I would've done better to save the money and direct my parents to about.com and the parenting/foster care branches of that website. Also, I just read the exceptional The Foster Parenting Toolbox, which I will be giving to my parents to read. It's more information than they need, but they can skip around and read what interests them. They are intelligent, thoughtful people who already know not to grill the kid about his/her birthmother and to ask us helpful questions about the process.
My other concern is that reading this book may make caring individuals sanitize their thoughts in conversations with loved ones. I don't want to have politically correct conversations about fost-adopt with two of the most important people in my life. If they ask inappropriate questions, that's a great chance for me to teach them more of what I know. I would be afraid that a book like this would scare loving relatives that they're going to say the wrong thing, when there is already enough else to worry about. My husband and I are more open and assertive than many people, but I will take a relationship in which my parents sometimes ask things that are offensive or annoying (which doesn't really happen), over one in which they feel they can't speak their mind or share their concerns.
In short, I do not recommend this book to anyone other than an individual adopting privately whose loved ones are pretty tactless.
June 24, 2018
Excellent. Highly recommend for anyone going through the adoption process and for anyone with a loved one heading into the adoption journey. Most helpful was the insight into the adoption process (both the bureaucratic and emotional) and how to talk about adoption. Considerate, conversational, compassionate tone and lots of good info here.
June 22, 2021
An insightful (although not Biblically based) glimpse at adoption. I appreciated her helpful guide for family and friends on what to say, how to encourage/support/help, and how to develop a basic understanding of the adoption journey.
January 23, 2022
Great resource that I would recommend to friends and family of someone adopting or thinking of adopting.
May 9, 2011
As a relative of someone going through the adoption process, I am "in on it" meaning part of their adoption circle. Keith and I both read this book hoping we'd glean some good information. And we did! I learned so much about the process, emotional considerations like loss and privacy of the adopted child, and how to answer questions that WE may receive about our relatives' adoption. This book was easy to read, thoughtful, and just chock full of things I've never considered. We both feel more prepared to be an advocate of their adoption after reading this book. I would recommend to anyone who has a friend or relative who is adopting or has adopted.
December 8, 2019
This book is a fantastic tool for family and friends of an adoptive family. As someone adopting through domestic infant adoption, this book answers so many misconceptions and common questions in a very empathetic manner. I especially appreciated the chapter on privacy and stewardship of our child’s story. We are gifting this book for Christmas to all of our immediate family.
May 15, 2020
This book helped both me and my husband express our thoughts and feelings about adoption. We bought copies for our families to read knowing it would help them too. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to adopt a child or has a family member in the process of adoption.
March 11, 2021
All of the stars. I've read chapters of this book over the past handful of years, but it was great to sit down and read cover to cover.
I recommend this book all the time and will continue doing so.
I recommend this book all the time and will continue doing so.
July 31, 2019
Authentic, emotional and thoughtful.
July 15, 2020
The perfect book for anyone whose loved-one is adopting. Succinct and clear guide to all things adoption.
July 2, 2024
4.5 stars
Our adoption agency gave this to us as a resource for our family and friends. It's very short, simple, and to the point and really does cover most things "adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption." Pretty much every adoption book I've read has a section of "stupid things random strangers will ask you about your adoption," but it hadn't occurred to me that extended family and even friends of the family will probably face these same questions occasionally, and so they should be prepared to give answers that are truthful and guard the child's privacy. Highly recommended, especially if you are close to someone who is adopting or has adopted.
Our adoption agency gave this to us as a resource for our family and friends. It's very short, simple, and to the point and really does cover most things "adoptive parents would like you to know about adoption." Pretty much every adoption book I've read has a section of "stupid things random strangers will ask you about your adoption," but it hadn't occurred to me that extended family and even friends of the family will probably face these same questions occasionally, and so they should be prepared to give answers that are truthful and guard the child's privacy. Highly recommended, especially if you are close to someone who is adopting or has adopted.
February 17, 2018
Great resource for family/friends of adopting parents!
July 27, 2022
Had some useful information but a professional writer would have made it more readable.
July 31, 2019
This book didn’t touch on our exact situation, but I think it is a good book to open communication between family and friends. Simple, short read to get all parties thinking and more understanding of one another.
Read
January 14, 2019This was incredibly helpful for someone trying to support my friends who have adopted children.
November 11, 2011
I bought the ebook version of this, and if I would have known how short it was, I probably would not have purchased it. After taking out the title pages in the front and the extra "stuff" in the back, this book was just under 100 pages long. I read it during my lunch hour.
That being said, I still gave it four stars. This book is aimed towards the family and friends of adoptive parents. Because not only will the adoptive families get looks and questions when they adopt, but so will those around them. Most people don't think about that. So Elisabeth O'Toole wrote this book for people like my parents, who might get questions from other family members or even strangers that might ask those intrusive questions that they are afraid to ask us.
"What race is that child anyways?"
"Why did they adopt?"
"How much did they pay for that child?"
"Why didn't the birth parents want him/her?"
This book tells how to deal with the questions, the appropriate way to answer them, and the nice way to brush people off. It was interesting, well-- if you can get your family and friends to actually read the book.
That being said, I still gave it four stars. This book is aimed towards the family and friends of adoptive parents. Because not only will the adoptive families get looks and questions when they adopt, but so will those around them. Most people don't think about that. So Elisabeth O'Toole wrote this book for people like my parents, who might get questions from other family members or even strangers that might ask those intrusive questions that they are afraid to ask us.
"What race is that child anyways?"
"Why did they adopt?"
"How much did they pay for that child?"
"Why didn't the birth parents want him/her?"
This book tells how to deal with the questions, the appropriate way to answer them, and the nice way to brush people off. It was interesting, well-- if you can get your family and friends to actually read the book.
November 29, 2023
RECOMMENDED FOR: I would love for EVERYONE to read this book - it introduces some great boundaries around privacy, and examples of comments you should filter before saying to a parent/child of adoption.
And I hope older folks read this book, because the stigma and perception of adoption has changed so much in the past few decades - I could hear a lot of Boomer's voices in my head in the examples of what not to say, LOL.
********* Review:
My immediate and extended family were created through adoption, and I read this book at the behest of a friend who is in the process of adopting a child. What a thoroughly great read. Growing up with adopted family members, I wondered how much I could learn from this book - but there was quite a bit that was new to me! Especially about the process of adoption, and how to be a supportive member of the adoption circle. It gave me insight into my own family, and helped prepare me for my friend's adoption. This book really reiterates that adoption is another path to creating your family. I think this book helps promote understanding and empathy. 10/10.
And I hope older folks read this book, because the stigma and perception of adoption has changed so much in the past few decades - I could hear a lot of Boomer's voices in my head in the examples of what not to say, LOL.
********* Review:
My immediate and extended family were created through adoption, and I read this book at the behest of a friend who is in the process of adopting a child. What a thoroughly great read. Growing up with adopted family members, I wondered how much I could learn from this book - but there was quite a bit that was new to me! Especially about the process of adoption, and how to be a supportive member of the adoption circle. It gave me insight into my own family, and helped prepare me for my friend's adoption. This book really reiterates that adoption is another path to creating your family. I think this book helps promote understanding and empathy. 10/10.
September 24, 2017
Short, to-the-point resource guide for family and friends of new adoptive parents, this book packs a lot of information with easy-to-follow actions into every chapter. I appreciated how she busted some common adoption myths and added not only her own stories but stories of other adoptive parents too. The end had a list of questions to start conversations and a hefty resource section. If we end up adopting, we'll be recommending this book to all of our friends and family.
June 26, 2011
What a fantastic book! My husband and I are are in the "waiting" phase of our adoption process, and this book was recommend by another couple in our adoption group. O'Toole - herself and adoptive mother of three - directs this book to the family and friends of adoptive families, and she hits all of the essential issues, including birth families, transracial adoptions, privacy, and the actual process of adopting - along with many other important topics. The book is easy to read, extremely informative, and at times quite funny, as O'Toole includes real-life examples from her own family. I look forward to sharing this book with my family and friends - our adoption circle.
May 30, 2015
I had to read this book as part of our agency's education requirements, but unlike the other adult book, I actually enjoyed this one. The writing doesn't come across like a manual; instead, the author is funny, modern, relevant and more like a long conversation at a coffee shop with friends.
If you have ever wondered what goes through the mind of adopting parents, read this book. I would be REALLY happy and honored if any of our relatives and/or friends actually read this guide -- there's a lot of great information and knowing that people support us means so much!
If you have ever wondered what goes through the mind of adopting parents, read this book. I would be REALLY happy and honored if any of our relatives and/or friends actually read this guide -- there's a lot of great information and knowing that people support us means so much!
October 23, 2012
A fantastic resource for family, friends, teachers, doctors... Really anyone who knows an adoptive family, or knows someone in the process of adopting. It's written clearly, with take-away tips and talking points. O'Toole helps readers move beyond the fear of saying the "wrong" thing and helps families have honest, open and loving dialogue that supports adoptive parents and the children they welcome into their families.
December 9, 2016
As an adoptee and a mother watching her daughter and husband navigate the adoption process, I am amazed continually. This book made me reflect on how I felt growing up in a family where I never truly felt accepted. This book helped me understand some of my feelings that needed to be worked through. It helped me understand how to look at the adoption process through different lenses as we prepare for our family to grow larger through adoption.
June 21, 2021
On our five year long quest to expand our family we have read a LOT, and I mean a LOT of books about adoption, foster care, IVF, etc. and I have to say: This is now one of my favorites. The author does a great job of taking something that can be very dense and overwhelming and making it consumable to the average reader. We will be getting this book for several of our family members and recommending it to many others. A must read!
August 28, 2012
An outstandingly easy, yet insightful read, especially considering the subject matter. As an adoptive parent, I found that the information presented covered enough detail, without getting bogged down in the least. This is good, because I wanted to make sure that everyone I sent it to really read it, and took the content to heart. I would definitely recommend it.
December 28, 2015
I liked this book enough that I shared s copy with our closet family members as wait to complete our second adoption. It's nice and basic and helps provide some talking points to prepare extended family members. Not everything in the book is applicable to our family but enough of it is that we find it a very useful guide.
July 22, 2023
My daughter and son-in-law, Christina and Matthew, requested I read this book. They had included notes in the book with their thoughts and noting things important to them. This personal touch added significantly to the reading and a peek into their thinking.
I found this book to be easy to read, insightful, thought-provoking, and engaging as I am drawn into their inner circle of the journey.
I found this book to be easy to read, insightful, thought-provoking, and engaging as I am drawn into their inner circle of the journey.
September 13, 2014
Insightful and very worth my time to read. I hope, however, that as people read this book with all its advice and reflection and dos and don'ts, that it is STILL worse to say nothing at all than to bumble out the wrong words. :)
Displaying 1 - 30 of 64 reviews