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Helping Her Get Free: A Guide for Families and Friends of Abused Women
Seal Press originally published Helping Her Get Free with the title To Be an Anchor in the Storm . Almost ten years after its original publication, this groundbreaking and practical guide remains a wise, informed, and vital resource for those who want to assist a friend or loved one in her struggle to escape an abusive relationship.
Susan Brewster , a longtime psychotherapist whose practice includes working with abused women and their families, recognizes that friends and family need specific tools and ideas to help them develop a relationship with their abused loved one that will ultimately benefit her, not control her. As the survivor of an abusive relationship herself, Brewster teaches readers how to recognize the signs of abuse, handle negative feelings, become an effective advocate, deal with the abuser, and more.
With a new introduction and updated resource section, this straightforward and compassionate book is just as timely and important as ever, offering the information needed to give strength to women who are trying to break free.
Susan Brewster , a longtime psychotherapist whose practice includes working with abused women and their families, recognizes that friends and family need specific tools and ideas to help them develop a relationship with their abused loved one that will ultimately benefit her, not control her. As the survivor of an abusive relationship herself, Brewster teaches readers how to recognize the signs of abuse, handle negative feelings, become an effective advocate, deal with the abuser, and more.
With a new introduction and updated resource section, this straightforward and compassionate book is just as timely and important as ever, offering the information needed to give strength to women who are trying to break free.
272 pages, Paperback
First published December 12, 2005
39 people are currently reading
235 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
August 4, 2011
This is a very practical book for those who want to help out family or friends suffering abusive relationships. It is not easy to help them. First of all, it's not easy to survive in an abusive relationship. Often victims need to deploy all kinds of mental strategies to avoid the pain of reality. It's hard for victims to trust anyone. Hence, helping them get free is no simple task. Many times, it seems like mission impossible. With the help of this book, it at least prepares you for this mission. You may also find useful tactics and advices which help you get free from many commonly held cultural myths. This book also provides weaponry to build trust, to empower your loved ones and to empower yourself through the process of helping her get free. This is a book based on author's personal saga and years of research in this field. One of the most authentic you could find on this topic.
September 2, 2013
I finished this book only a few days ago, so I can't say in the long term how effective it is, but I will say this:
Partway through the book, Brewster speaks about following up on hints or cues that women drop to see if you'll respond helpfully to their revelation that they're living with an abuser; she also says that sharing (appropriate) problems of your own helps others see that you're safe to share with - your life isn't perfect, either!
After reading that part of the book, I had a conversation with a friend in which she confided to me about her relationship troubles, dropping hints that there were more details left unsaid. I tried on some of Brewster's advice and my friend felt safe enough to tell me about something her partner did.
If continuing to follow Brewster's recommendations does nothing else to help me grow my ability to be a strong friend and anchor, it has ALREADY done enough.
Partway through the book, Brewster speaks about following up on hints or cues that women drop to see if you'll respond helpfully to their revelation that they're living with an abuser; she also says that sharing (appropriate) problems of your own helps others see that you're safe to share with - your life isn't perfect, either!
After reading that part of the book, I had a conversation with a friend in which she confided to me about her relationship troubles, dropping hints that there were more details left unsaid. I tried on some of Brewster's advice and my friend felt safe enough to tell me about something her partner did.
If continuing to follow Brewster's recommendations does nothing else to help me grow my ability to be a strong friend and anchor, it has ALREADY done enough.
August 14, 2023
In his book Why Does He Do That?, written mainly for those experiencing domestic abuse, author Lundy Bancroft recommends Susan Brewster's book, Helping Her get Free (Previously titled To Be An Anchor In A Storm), for anyone wanting to help friends or family members who are in an abusive relationship.
The statistics are alarming. Brewster quotes research in the US which suggests that one sixth of married women in the US are in physically abusive relationships at any given time. This is the context for Brewster's writing this book, along with her own experience at a young age of being in an abusive relationship and her subsequent work with other battered women.
Reading Brewster's book it does not surprise me that Bancroft recommends it. There is complete congruity of messaging. In his book, Bancroft suggests that being helpful means NOT doing what abusers do, including taking control of a loved one's actions. This is a consistent message in Brewster's book. Another core message is safety, both one's own and the safety of the abused friend or family member. Brewster counsels being aware of the lengths to which an abuser can go. Once we understand how abuse can escalate, we can and should prepare for a variety of scenarios.
The deeper message that is woven throughout the book is that if we want to be an anchor for a loved one - the metaphor that was previously included in the book's title - we need to be willing to learn ourselves. Brewster is not preachy about this, recognising that we get to make choices - about whether or not to be an anchor, about when we need rest from this role, and more. Instead, she shares what she has found works for her and her clients, illustrating her book with examples.
Brewster suggests reading the book in its entirety, letting it sink in and returning to it. This seems a sensible strategy for anyone who is on the roller coaster that comes when a loved one is in an abusive relationship with its repeated cycles of building tension, abuse, separation, reconciliation and more.
This is highly valuable book for anyone who finds themself looking on, perhaps in despair, at the relationship of a loved one, and wanting to know what to do for the best.
The statistics are alarming. Brewster quotes research in the US which suggests that one sixth of married women in the US are in physically abusive relationships at any given time. This is the context for Brewster's writing this book, along with her own experience at a young age of being in an abusive relationship and her subsequent work with other battered women.
Reading Brewster's book it does not surprise me that Bancroft recommends it. There is complete congruity of messaging. In his book, Bancroft suggests that being helpful means NOT doing what abusers do, including taking control of a loved one's actions. This is a consistent message in Brewster's book. Another core message is safety, both one's own and the safety of the abused friend or family member. Brewster counsels being aware of the lengths to which an abuser can go. Once we understand how abuse can escalate, we can and should prepare for a variety of scenarios.
The deeper message that is woven throughout the book is that if we want to be an anchor for a loved one - the metaphor that was previously included in the book's title - we need to be willing to learn ourselves. Brewster is not preachy about this, recognising that we get to make choices - about whether or not to be an anchor, about when we need rest from this role, and more. Instead, she shares what she has found works for her and her clients, illustrating her book with examples.
Brewster suggests reading the book in its entirety, letting it sink in and returning to it. This seems a sensible strategy for anyone who is on the roller coaster that comes when a loved one is in an abusive relationship with its repeated cycles of building tension, abuse, separation, reconciliation and more.
This is highly valuable book for anyone who finds themself looking on, perhaps in despair, at the relationship of a loved one, and wanting to know what to do for the best.
November 12, 2017
Great resource, very to the point.
February 7, 2023
Practical, matter-of-fact, useful resources.
December 12, 2024
free my girls
March 21, 2024
Highly recommended
October 1, 2017
Everyone should read this. Thanks to the woman that recommended this to me on twitter. I waited too long to read.
May 11, 2010
A must read for everyone. If we want to end abuse, we all have to understand a realistic picture of what people who are experiencing abuse are going through. This book provides that insight. Go get this book!
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews