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Tired of Trying to Measure Up
Written to point the way to freedom for Christians who live under an unwritten religious code of expectations and rules that drain them of spiritual strength.
176 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1989
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 44 reviews
December 9, 2017
Tired of Trying to Measure Up was an excellent read from a number of perspectives. VanVonderen expertly lays out the power that shame has in our lives, and how our sense of shame pervades our behaviors and actions. Not only does VanVonderen explain how shame arises in our lives, but also how we get out from under its destructive cycle by more fully believing and embracing the gospel.
By far, the most helpful part of the book for me was VanVonderen's analysis of what shame is and how it works. From the first chapter, I found myself greatly identifying with the attitudes and behaviors of people filled with shame. Understanding what shame is, how it is inflicted upon us, and the patterns and cycles of behavior it encourages does a great deal to start to undermine the effects of shame in our lives. Just having knowledge of the negative and destructive patterns of thinking that shame brings does much to start to unbind its effect.
The second half of the book starts to address how to actively battle against shame. It's not a plan filled with more rules, more obligations to other people, or more exhausting tasks, but rather it is simply a greater intention to walk in the Spirit and to start to more fully believe the things that are already true about you as a follower of Jesus. VanVonderen saturates his text with Scripture, addresses common and borderline-heretical theological beliefs, describes forms of spiritual and other abuse, and provides practical exercises for more fully living into the identity you have already obtained in the work of Jesus.
I think probably most people live with a sense of shame, to a greater or lesser degree, so this book would likely be helpful for just about anyone. We are so often shamed by friends, family, churches, and other people with influence or authority without really even knowing it, even perhaps without them even intending to. If you are feeling burdened, tired, dispassionate, or perhaps even angry about having to meet the demands of others, then take a look at Tired of Trying to Measure Up.
By far, the most helpful part of the book for me was VanVonderen's analysis of what shame is and how it works. From the first chapter, I found myself greatly identifying with the attitudes and behaviors of people filled with shame. Understanding what shame is, how it is inflicted upon us, and the patterns and cycles of behavior it encourages does a great deal to start to undermine the effects of shame in our lives. Just having knowledge of the negative and destructive patterns of thinking that shame brings does much to start to unbind its effect.
The second half of the book starts to address how to actively battle against shame. It's not a plan filled with more rules, more obligations to other people, or more exhausting tasks, but rather it is simply a greater intention to walk in the Spirit and to start to more fully believe the things that are already true about you as a follower of Jesus. VanVonderen saturates his text with Scripture, addresses common and borderline-heretical theological beliefs, describes forms of spiritual and other abuse, and provides practical exercises for more fully living into the identity you have already obtained in the work of Jesus.
I think probably most people live with a sense of shame, to a greater or lesser degree, so this book would likely be helpful for just about anyone. We are so often shamed by friends, family, churches, and other people with influence or authority without really even knowing it, even perhaps without them even intending to. If you are feeling burdened, tired, dispassionate, or perhaps even angry about having to meet the demands of others, then take a look at Tired of Trying to Measure Up.
November 26, 2025
The central message of this book is that a person cannot earn the approval of God nor of themselves simply by trying hard. Rather, upon salvation and the justification earned by accepting Christ, the person is a new creation and is already approved by God and merely needs to embody that new identity.
Is that the case?
Yes. In a way. Those who have accepted Christ are indeed new creations, and are indeed already approved by God. This is a hard truth to accept and seems contra-intuitive, so I completely understand the author's motivation in writing this book to make that point clear and hammer it home in every way that it is possible to hammer it.
On the other hand. I do not agree that all we need to do is merely embody that new identity. I do not believe that the process of sanctification is something that is solely done to us rather than something that we are involved in the process of. Just as salvation requires the acceptance of the one who is being saved, God doesn't go around saving people who don't want to be saved, the process of sanctification requires the willing participation of the one who is being sanctified.
Is the author trying to argue this is the case? No. Probably not. He is addressing one side of the issue which was a predominant problem in the time when he was writing this book and is still a significant problem today, and that is the idea that one is not the willing participant of the sanctification process, but that one is the driving force behind the sanctification process. That it is by my power that I achieve God-Likeness. This is not the case. Obviously. Verses like Philippians 1:6 make that clear "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." The problem is that in his zeal to defend against the idea that we can achieve God-Likeness in and of ourselves, he basically goes to the other end and is like 'all you have to do is change your attitude, and God handles the rest. You don't have to try to change your behavior, you just work at aligning your mind with what God has already said.'
Not wrong. We do have to work at aligning our mind with what God has already said. But we also have to work at aligning our actions with what God has already said. We are not creatures of mind only. God did not only save our souls. We are creatures of the mind, body, and soul, and all of that must be involved in the process of pursuing God-Likeness. Even Paul says 'Imitate me as I imitate Christ.' How can you imitate someone without copying their behavior? Is it imitation if we affirm their attitudes but those attitudes do not result in changed behavior?
It is true that the spirit works within us to change behavior without us necessarily knowing it. But it is also true that we work on our own behavior and it changes because we have been working on it. It is a partnership between us and God.
This is something I believe to be true, and I found it somewhat missing from this book and I didn't really appreciate that. I think this book was written in a time where legalism was the predominant problem in the church and it was fighting the idea that Christianity is a list of things that one must do and one must not do.
I agree. That's a very important message.
But I think the predominant problem in the church has shifted in the last 40 years. I don't think it's necessarily a problem of legalism now, but a problem of many believers being overly self-focused and I think this book adds to that. In an attempt to get away from Christian living being dictated by others and being other pleasing rather than God pleasing, this book advocates focusing on our selves to a degree that if practiced the way it has been for the last forty years, is increasingly obviously less than healthy.
It also places the onus of trauma on others. You are tired. It's because someone else put a burden on you. You are traumatized. It's because someone else didn't meet your needs. You are hurt. It's because someone hurt you. You are lost. It's because someone didn't tell you the way. That implies that our problems are external to us, which in a world filled with sin is not what the Bible preaches at all. It is perhaps true that a person is traumatized because someone else didn't meet their needs, but it could also be true that they are traumatized because they did something so bad, and they know it was bad, that they are astonished and traumatized by what they are capable of. Even if someone caused the trauma another person undergoes, is that because of the person or is it because of sin in that person? We can be willing participants of sin, don't get me wrong, but I inherently distrust a narrative that externalizes our problems rather than recognizing the same ultimate causal pattern that God identified: sin.
This is a particular problem with the author because he spends a large portion of the book arguing against the idea of an inborn sin nature. I really don't know how he can manage to hold this position and still be biblically based. His basic argument is that nowhere does it say 'sin nature' in the Bible, it says 'flesh' and flesh cannot be all bad because Jesus was also born in the 'flesh' and he wasn't bad, therefore flesh cannot be bad. It's an argument based on semantics that ignores the fact that words can take on new and metaphorical meanings based on the contexts that they are in. Yes. Jesus was born in the flesh. It means he had an actual body. But there are other places in the Bible where 'flesh' is used that are clearly and unequivocally not referring to the 'body'. Just take the discussion of the Lord's supper, he says 'eat my flesh' 'this is my flesh'. Is it actually his body? No.
I think it's a specious argument and ignores other, more fundamental doctrines, like how 'through one man sin entered the world' and how the savior had to be born of a virgin specifically to avoid having a sin nature.
Because the author doesn't like the idea that we are all born into a sin nature it causes him to take some rather circuitous routes that I find less than convincing. Upon salvation we are created a new, agreed, therefore we no longer have to fight our old selves but just channel our new identity and we are good. But what does that say about Galatians 5:17 "For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want." Or what about Paul when he is talking in Romans about how he is wretched because of how he continually does that which he knows to be sin because sin lives in him? He's using the present tense. Just because God saves us and approves of us, doesn't mean that our sin nature is gone. In another 1 Timothy, Paul again says that God came to save sinners of which he is chief. He doesn't say 'was', he says 'I am chief'. It's present. It means that sin is still something that he contends with and it is inside him, it's not something external done through trauma.
If the author truly feels that he is right and thousands of years of doctrine is wrong, he needs to have a better argument than the word 'flesh' can't be bad because Jesus is described with the word 'flesh.'
Anyway, it could be that I am overly sensitive, but I find myself inherently suspicious of narratives that are pointing me to look inward rather than to look into my Bible. So I didn't really like this book.
Is that the case?
Yes. In a way. Those who have accepted Christ are indeed new creations, and are indeed already approved by God. This is a hard truth to accept and seems contra-intuitive, so I completely understand the author's motivation in writing this book to make that point clear and hammer it home in every way that it is possible to hammer it.
On the other hand. I do not agree that all we need to do is merely embody that new identity. I do not believe that the process of sanctification is something that is solely done to us rather than something that we are involved in the process of. Just as salvation requires the acceptance of the one who is being saved, God doesn't go around saving people who don't want to be saved, the process of sanctification requires the willing participation of the one who is being sanctified.
Is the author trying to argue this is the case? No. Probably not. He is addressing one side of the issue which was a predominant problem in the time when he was writing this book and is still a significant problem today, and that is the idea that one is not the willing participant of the sanctification process, but that one is the driving force behind the sanctification process. That it is by my power that I achieve God-Likeness. This is not the case. Obviously. Verses like Philippians 1:6 make that clear "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." The problem is that in his zeal to defend against the idea that we can achieve God-Likeness in and of ourselves, he basically goes to the other end and is like 'all you have to do is change your attitude, and God handles the rest. You don't have to try to change your behavior, you just work at aligning your mind with what God has already said.'
Not wrong. We do have to work at aligning our mind with what God has already said. But we also have to work at aligning our actions with what God has already said. We are not creatures of mind only. God did not only save our souls. We are creatures of the mind, body, and soul, and all of that must be involved in the process of pursuing God-Likeness. Even Paul says 'Imitate me as I imitate Christ.' How can you imitate someone without copying their behavior? Is it imitation if we affirm their attitudes but those attitudes do not result in changed behavior?
It is true that the spirit works within us to change behavior without us necessarily knowing it. But it is also true that we work on our own behavior and it changes because we have been working on it. It is a partnership between us and God.
This is something I believe to be true, and I found it somewhat missing from this book and I didn't really appreciate that. I think this book was written in a time where legalism was the predominant problem in the church and it was fighting the idea that Christianity is a list of things that one must do and one must not do.
I agree. That's a very important message.
But I think the predominant problem in the church has shifted in the last 40 years. I don't think it's necessarily a problem of legalism now, but a problem of many believers being overly self-focused and I think this book adds to that. In an attempt to get away from Christian living being dictated by others and being other pleasing rather than God pleasing, this book advocates focusing on our selves to a degree that if practiced the way it has been for the last forty years, is increasingly obviously less than healthy.
It also places the onus of trauma on others. You are tired. It's because someone else put a burden on you. You are traumatized. It's because someone else didn't meet your needs. You are hurt. It's because someone hurt you. You are lost. It's because someone didn't tell you the way. That implies that our problems are external to us, which in a world filled with sin is not what the Bible preaches at all. It is perhaps true that a person is traumatized because someone else didn't meet their needs, but it could also be true that they are traumatized because they did something so bad, and they know it was bad, that they are astonished and traumatized by what they are capable of. Even if someone caused the trauma another person undergoes, is that because of the person or is it because of sin in that person? We can be willing participants of sin, don't get me wrong, but I inherently distrust a narrative that externalizes our problems rather than recognizing the same ultimate causal pattern that God identified: sin.
This is a particular problem with the author because he spends a large portion of the book arguing against the idea of an inborn sin nature. I really don't know how he can manage to hold this position and still be biblically based. His basic argument is that nowhere does it say 'sin nature' in the Bible, it says 'flesh' and flesh cannot be all bad because Jesus was also born in the 'flesh' and he wasn't bad, therefore flesh cannot be bad. It's an argument based on semantics that ignores the fact that words can take on new and metaphorical meanings based on the contexts that they are in. Yes. Jesus was born in the flesh. It means he had an actual body. But there are other places in the Bible where 'flesh' is used that are clearly and unequivocally not referring to the 'body'. Just take the discussion of the Lord's supper, he says 'eat my flesh' 'this is my flesh'. Is it actually his body? No.
I think it's a specious argument and ignores other, more fundamental doctrines, like how 'through one man sin entered the world' and how the savior had to be born of a virgin specifically to avoid having a sin nature.
Because the author doesn't like the idea that we are all born into a sin nature it causes him to take some rather circuitous routes that I find less than convincing. Upon salvation we are created a new, agreed, therefore we no longer have to fight our old selves but just channel our new identity and we are good. But what does that say about Galatians 5:17 "For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want." Or what about Paul when he is talking in Romans about how he is wretched because of how he continually does that which he knows to be sin because sin lives in him? He's using the present tense. Just because God saves us and approves of us, doesn't mean that our sin nature is gone. In another 1 Timothy, Paul again says that God came to save sinners of which he is chief. He doesn't say 'was', he says 'I am chief'. It's present. It means that sin is still something that he contends with and it is inside him, it's not something external done through trauma.
If the author truly feels that he is right and thousands of years of doctrine is wrong, he needs to have a better argument than the word 'flesh' can't be bad because Jesus is described with the word 'flesh.'
Anyway, it could be that I am overly sensitive, but I find myself inherently suspicious of narratives that are pointing me to look inward rather than to look into my Bible. So I didn't really like this book.
August 29, 2017
Don't start this book if you're not ready for some deep soul-searching and psychological self-evaluation. Part 1 of the book is all about the flaws in our thinking, both psychologically and theologically. If you were to stop reading after the first half, you would leave thinking about how hopelessly messed up you are and how it's mostly your parents' fault (not to say that he does not communicate grace and healing--these are just the thoughts and feelings that often come up when evaluating one's flawed worldview and how it was developed). However, the second half of the book is filled with theological realities that inform practical application for the foundation of how we view the world. He informs both psychology and theology to give a well rounded view on how our minds operate and why we do the things we do--why we typically either try so hard to do everything right so as to achieve perfection or give up and stop seeking to develop righteousness at all.
This is one of the only books I've ever read that I felt like actually taught me something new about the Bible. I usually enjoy books for their reminders of biblical truths, but rarely do I feel that a hidden truth about God that I never knew before has been revealed to me. Having majored in ministry at a Christian college, it was so refreshing to learn a whole new dynamic of theological truth. The author challenged my presuppositions and compelled me to take a second look at what I believe and do and why.
I would recommend this book to any deep thinker seeking to reconcile their worldview with what Christ says about His people--specifically those burdened by their past, trapped in a cycle of trying hard and/or giving up, exhausted by depending on their own efforts, heavy laden with shame, or crippled by legalism and "Christian" expectations.
This is one of the only books I've ever read that I felt like actually taught me something new about the Bible. I usually enjoy books for their reminders of biblical truths, but rarely do I feel that a hidden truth about God that I never knew before has been revealed to me. Having majored in ministry at a Christian college, it was so refreshing to learn a whole new dynamic of theological truth. The author challenged my presuppositions and compelled me to take a second look at what I believe and do and why.
I would recommend this book to any deep thinker seeking to reconcile their worldview with what Christ says about His people--specifically those burdened by their past, trapped in a cycle of trying hard and/or giving up, exhausted by depending on their own efforts, heavy laden with shame, or crippled by legalism and "Christian" expectations.
January 30, 2022
Nothing new here (except his questioning of the Augustinian idea of a sin nature)…. I can never be good enough and must accept Jesus’s substitutionary “good-enough-ness.” I am alive spiritually, no longer dead. My internal fight is to believe that and live it out rather than to try to be perfect by my own effort. I was empty and am now filled with Christ. I am fully accepted and loved and forgiven. My job is to fully rely on Christ as my source.… This would be a good introduction for a Christian who hasn’t yet read about the gospel solution for shame and perfectionism. Helpful CBT exercises at the end of the book!
July 17, 2012
More therapy homework. Really good for people, like me, who constantly feel the need to live up to other's expectations in order to be accepted. Learning to simply love and be the person God made you is A.) the point of your existence and B.) a lot easier/less exhausting. I'll admit it is a little weird to use the self-talk method at first: "I'm lovable because God made me," "this isn't my fault," etc. but it does work whenever you feel attacked or triggered to doubt yourself.
December 13, 2010
This book was required reading for a class in theology and while I have already learned some of this things he wrote about I also learned many new things as well.
It really does teach you why you struggle with acting why you do and the solutions for it. I would recommend this book to anyone who struggles with shame and anger.
It really does teach you why you struggle with acting why you do and the solutions for it. I would recommend this book to anyone who struggles with shame and anger.
August 10, 2011
A very practical book that puts so much into perspective. Full of so much information I thought this was a stellar book for those who don't feel like they are good enough and put too much weight on what others think of them.
March 26, 2013
I bought this book because the title provided me with a near perfect description of how I felt after I left Seminary.
May 4, 2022
Healing
Another book we all need to read. This is a book of healing and hope. Finally a book being free from shame.
Another book we all need to read. This is a book of healing and hope. Finally a book being free from shame.
August 9, 2021
Shame-based living is bondage......
but the Christian can learn to live by the freedom Christ has already given. Growing up in a rather good Christian home I have been surprised to find how much of the 'shame-grid' thinking I have adopted. Working hard to change myself is exhausting; I can easily see how many would choose to give up and even potentially walk away from the Faith. My particular issues focus on duty and doing what is 'right.' Therefore, I tend to get mired in the 'try harder' loop. Here Dr. VanVonderen reminds his readers that our true hope and security lie in what Christ has already done for us. He makes a good argument as to why the 'white dog/black dog' (or spiritual schizophrenia) is biblically incorrect. Renewing our minds and reminding ourselves what God says about us is essential. While there were one or two points I wish had been fleshed out more, I highly recommend this book to the weary and struggling saint who knows there must an alternative way to live and breathe. Thank you, Dr. VanVonderen.
but the Christian can learn to live by the freedom Christ has already given. Growing up in a rather good Christian home I have been surprised to find how much of the 'shame-grid' thinking I have adopted. Working hard to change myself is exhausting; I can easily see how many would choose to give up and even potentially walk away from the Faith. My particular issues focus on duty and doing what is 'right.' Therefore, I tend to get mired in the 'try harder' loop. Here Dr. VanVonderen reminds his readers that our true hope and security lie in what Christ has already done for us. He makes a good argument as to why the 'white dog/black dog' (or spiritual schizophrenia) is biblically incorrect. Renewing our minds and reminding ourselves what God says about us is essential. While there were one or two points I wish had been fleshed out more, I highly recommend this book to the weary and struggling saint who knows there must an alternative way to live and breathe. Thank you, Dr. VanVonderen.
August 14, 2021
Oh, brother...what a book! Perhaps this is a problem for most cross-cultural workers...there is so much need out there it is hard to say no to the many demands coming at you from all sides. But Vanvonderen helps you to see that this never-ending cycle of trying harder is not healthy, nor is it ultimately helpful to anyone as you are more than likely heading for burnout. But it is more than simply dealing with demands...this book helps you to see an unhealthy pattern in your life of trying to measure up to an unrealistic standard...a non-biblical standard...and it offers practical solutions to overcoming.
May 9, 2019
This book doesn't give you yet another list of ways to improve your behavior. Instead, it focuses on the root of the problem (shame), how it affects your life, and how to begin to function from the strength and love of God instead. It helps the reader recognize patterns of shame and how we can begin to step out of those patterns, as well as recommending several other helpful books along the way. Definitely a worthwhile read.
October 25, 2017
Worth reading
I really liked it and will probably read it again. Or at least should. I'm also interested in reading VanVonderen's other books now. I'm not sure if it helped me feel better but it gives me something to think about. And maybe given time and another read I will get more out of it.
I really liked it and will probably read it again. Or at least should. I'm also interested in reading VanVonderen's other books now. I'm not sure if it helped me feel better but it gives me something to think about. And maybe given time and another read I will get more out of it.
December 31, 2021
This has been the best book I’ve read on why I am always trying harder to perform, but never seem to get anywhere. It’s the underlying shame and it’s not what God is asking of us. I highly encourage this to anyone who struggles with trying too hard in life.
October 8, 2019
I didn’t know that I have problems with my identity in Christ, until I read this book.
May 14, 2020
Excellent material for those interesting in mentoring/discipleship with younger believers and ministers. Incredible for ministers who see the need to remove religiosity from those relationships.
July 23, 2021
Truth
This is an excellent breakdown of the gospel that so often unfortunately doesn’t get preached in church. God so loved….us.
This is an excellent breakdown of the gospel that so often unfortunately doesn’t get preached in church. God so loved….us.
July 21, 2024
Textbook for class. Great book!! If you suffer from shame, this book is a must-read. Don't delay!
June 21, 2020
I'd love to recommend this book to church leaders!
March 7, 2017
This book has been life changing for many I know and is filled with great scripture based truths promoting (among other things) your innate worth in being made in the image of God, bring deeply loved by your creator, and that you are to live fully and freely in the Spirit because of Christ's act of the cross- not based in ANYTHING you can do, no matter how great. Focuses on grace vs shame based living (so important!).
I'm giving it 4 stars for content and life changing material, but found myself skimming at times to get on with the next chapter.
I'm giving it 4 stars for content and life changing material, but found myself skimming at times to get on with the next chapter.
April 25, 2025
This is a powerful and thoughtful read on uncovering shame frameworks, particularly in the Christian church and in families, and re-discovering motivation and love outside of shame. I recommend to anyone in a season of introspection.
July 20, 2014
Tired of Trying to Measure Up is written for people who live under a deeply ingrained code of expectations and rules that shame them and drain them of spiritual strength.
Although this book has been written with Christians in mind, it would be helpful for anyone. If you struggle with addictions, low self-esteem, can't seem to stop doing the same things that you hate to do over and over, struggle with perfectionism, or laziness. This book could save your life and your relationships.
Chock full of wisdom, and really helps you take a real hard look at your past and why you do the things you do. It will free you like no bodies business. This book is amazing. Fans of Brené Brown and those that read her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are will love this book.
Although this book has been written with Christians in mind, it would be helpful for anyone. If you struggle with addictions, low self-esteem, can't seem to stop doing the same things that you hate to do over and over, struggle with perfectionism, or laziness. This book could save your life and your relationships.
Chock full of wisdom, and really helps you take a real hard look at your past and why you do the things you do. It will free you like no bodies business. This book is amazing. Fans of Brené Brown and those that read her book The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are will love this book.
August 30, 2018
This book changed my life. It was lent to my husband by a mentor at a time when we were both really struggling with how to move forward and recover, from ministry burnout, from spiritual abuse (which we hadn’t even put a name to yet), and years of legalism. We were at such an exhausted dead end in our life, and this book brought me hope, and an understanding of the gospel I never had, though I grew up Christian, and in lots of Christian programs, and even went to a Christian school. I finally understood in my heart how much I am loved by God (I knew theologically before that I am loved, but was always still striving hard to measure up). This book also helped us understand that what we went through had been spiritual abuse.
July 15, 2008
This is a really good book about how shame informs our lives and how to break out of the cycle of shame. There is good practical advice in the last couple of chapters and some examples that really hit home for me. While I was reading I was thinking of which people in my life could benefit from reading this. I'm not sure who to send it to first!
November 24, 2012
I'm going to buy this book as soon as I can. For me, it's become a Christian classic along the lines of 'Beyond Ourselves' (Marshall) and 'He Loves Me' (Jacobson). Not only does it reveal a lot of the shame-based motives in Christian circles, but outlines practical methods for clarifying a new lifestyle and thought patterns free of guilt, shame, and people-pleasing.
May 7, 2012
I would love everyone to read this book for the message it is sending. Is it most well written or engaging thing I have read? Not exactly. However, the concepts are so important and the good parts so good you can surely over-look the imperfectness, and maybe even incompleteness, of this book.
September 1, 2015
Well written and helpful book for those of us who always are trying to be accepted. I highly recommend and know a few people who might benefit from reading this. I found myself agreeing a lot throughout this book and look forward to applying the techniques.
Read
January 2, 2017Excellent read. I am currently finishing a Theology course that required I read this book. It is a great insight into the Christian life oppressed by shame. I will likely read more of this authors books.
May 30, 2008
Excellent book, particularly for those who grew up in Christian fundamentalism or struggle with legalism, guilt for not "measuring up." Very healing.
May 27, 2009
Important.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 44 reviews