I was rereading Steps by Jerzy Kosinski. It was night. I had recently asked a friend what he thought the book was really about. I told him that the author of the biography of Kosinski I’d read had pointed out that in each section of the book, the narrator(s) either takes advantage of someone else or is taken advantage of. The memorable section involving the student who makes a map of public restrooms in a city, designating them as his ‘temples’, is perhaps an exception, but in this case it is the Party that imposes itself upon the student.
My friend nodded. “I think it’s about how we don’t have agency”, he said. He had previously pointed out that World War II seemed to be in the background of the book.
“Maybe growing up during the war demonstrated that to him at an early age”, I suggested.
...Inevitably, I fell asleep. I woke soon after to what sounded like a thumping on my wall. It sounded as though my roommate, annoyed by my playing of loud music, was hitting the wall between our rooms to indicate that she would like me to turn it down. But my roommate had never done that before; I wasn’t playing music, loud or otherwise; and, perhaps most importantly, my roommate wasn’t home, as evidenced by the presence in my room of our cat, who, whenever my roommate arrived home, ran to her devotedly, but settled for sleeping in my room when my roommate wasn’t around. Deciding that it was just noise from the radiator, I allowed myself to return to sleep.
…I woke up again. The noise was louder this time. I sensed movement outside, and realized that someone was standing outside my window, in the alley, hitting the side of the house with either his palm or his fist, looking in at me. I had fallen asleep with the lamp on- I could see that there was the shape of a face at the window, but could not discern its features or expression; whoever it was, on the other hand, could no doubt see me quite clearly. I got up, turned off the light, and cautiously opened the window a crack. Attempting to keep a note of hysteria out of my voice, I asked who it was and what he wanted.
I received a quiet mumbling in return.
“What the hell does that mean?” I asked, emboldened by the other’s timidity.
There was another quiet mumbling, and then the individual, whose face was partially covered by a hood, with either an expression of embarrassment or the affectation of such an expression, quietly turned and walked back down the alley to the street.
I turned off the lights in my bedroom and walked into the living room, leaving the Jerzy Kosinski book on the floor by the side of my bed, for the moment forgotten. I sat down on the couch in the living room and opened my cell phone- involve the police, perhaps? After a few seconds, I closed it. I noticed that it was now about two hours later than it had been when I’d first woken up and decided the noise was from the radiator. What had this individual been doing for those two hours, aside from pounding on the side of the house? As I sat there, I realized that my back was turned to the windows that faced the house’s opposite alley, obstructed but not rendered impassable by large recycling and garbage cans, and suddenly became convinced that this man, now my adversary, was watching me. I turned around quickly, but there was no one. I resented that I had been drawn out of sleep to engage in whatever we were engaging in, in whatever relation we now had, by an enemy I hadn’t known I’d possessed. As I listened for movement outside, I speculated on his motives. If he had been knocking at the side of the house in order to ascertain that there was no one home, so he could break in and steal something, why not attempt to break in after initially receiving no response? If, on the other hand, he had been knocking precisely in order to attract the attention of someone inside, perhaps with the intention of luring that person (me, as it turned out) outside, in order to neutralize him (me) and thus enter the house unmolested, why hadn’t he been prepared with a persuasive story? In the dark, I was facing my roommate’s closed door. It occurred to me that her windows were likely unlocked; I imagined that soon I would hear a screen being pushed up, followed by a thump on the floor and the doorknob slowly turning from the inside…
On weekdays, the neighborhood came alive well before dawn, as construction workers slowly emerged from their homes with lunchboxes and backpacks, their co-workers and friends waiting for them at curbs in idling vans. Old men settled into seats in cafes whose windows displayed glowing lottery numbers, to read the paper and sip pensively at cups of tea. One such café was located across the street from my apartment, and on weekends opened relatively late- with the first light of dawn. Perhaps it was best to wait.
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After listening for a few seconds at the front door, I opened it. No one there. But when I stepped into the lobby of our building, I saw that there was someone, a person wearing a hooded jacket, standing on our porch and facing the street. I went back inside the apartment, our cat glancing up in curiosity at my strange behavior, composed myself, then went back outside again. This time there was no one on the porch.
Outside, a woman was standing on our side of the street, near the curb, as if about to cross to the cafe. I was certain that the person I’d seen outside my window had been male. But I recognized her jacket- she was the one who had been standing on our porch, just a minute ago. It was raining lightly. I leaned over the railing and stared at her. She appeared to be singing to herself. There was no traffic at this early hour, and she easily could have crossed the street at any time. Nor was her behavior due to her being one of those people who will never cross at a red light no matter what, not even if the street is deserted, as evidenced by the fact that she wasn't standing at the crosswalk. She either did not notice my staring at her, or affected not to notice. Perhaps a minute or two passed like this. The melody of her song filled the quiet morning, but whether it augured harmony or derangement I could not say. Finally, I asked if she needed help.
But it turned out that I did not speak her language, and she spoke only a little of mine. She managed to communicate that she was waiting for a bus.
“Did you knock at our door?” I asked, imitating the motion of a knock with my hand.
“Knock? No knock…”
I leaned over the side railing to look into the alley. I then looked back to the street; there was no one else except the two of us, and no sign of a bus.