Rico Slade Will F*cking Kill You

by Bradley N. Sands

What the crap is Arnold Schwarzenegger doing on the cover of Rico Slade's book? This is Rico Slade's goddamn book. Rico Slade is not a body builder, an actor, or a governor. Rico Slade is an action hero.

Rico Slade doesn't care about the political climate. Rico Slade has an advance degree in badassery. Rico Slade's favorite food is the honey-roasted peanut. Rico Slade can rip out a throat with his bare hands.

But Rico Slade's arch nemesis, Baron Mayhem, is threatening to drop a bomb on the Earth that will kill every human being except himself while leaving the world's currency intact. To save the planet, Rico Slade must journey across Hollywood to find Baron Mayhem. Unfortunately, Rico Slade's crime fighting style involves ripping out the throat of anyone who gets in his way, including grandmothers and Midwestern tourists.

As Rico Slade leaves Hollywood in ruins, the only person who can stop him from destroying the city is his Jewish psychologist, Harold Schwartzman. Until he does, Rico Slade will kill as many people as it takes to thwart Baron Mayhem's evil scheme. Rico Slade will fucking kill everyone.

RICO SLADE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU.

Praise for the book:

"A one-man Expendables wrecking crew." - SUPERHERO NOVELS

"Rico Slade can grab Chuck Norris by a wrist and an ankle and use him as a jump rope. If you're looking for some well-crafted literary mayhem that entertains and pleases in equal degrees, this is the book for you." - THE AUSTIN POST

"And, though brilliant and vastly intelligent, it should also be noted that Bradley Sands is a dick." -CRACKED.COM

"If you like violence. If you have a decent sense of humor. If you have ever wondered what would happen if Richard Brautigan wrote a 90's action film instead of killing himself in the winter of 1984...These are all great reasons to read Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You." - HOUSEFIRE

"Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You is a biting piece of satire on the "unreality" of Hollywood." -THE UNDEAD RAT

"Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You is laugh out loud funny, full of cheesy dialogue, testosterone, and can easily be read in one sitting. Buy it now or Rico Slade might rip out your fucking throat."- SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION

"If Eugene Ionesco had a threesome with two reels of 80s action movies, the baby would be this book. If you like ridiculous humor with the hands-down wildest action you will ever read, this is your book." - ZOMBIEBLOODFIGHTS

Genres: Bizarro Fiction, Fiction, Humor, Horror, Action, Science Fiction, Comedy

112 pages, Paperback

First published February 4, 2011

Reviews

[Stephen · Rating 4 out of 5]

***A BRIEF INTERVIEW WITH RICO SLADE***

Interviewer: “So, Mr. Slade, how does it feel to be the subject of new book?”

Rico Slade: [Not liking the tone of the question, Rico Slade rips the interviewer's fucking throat out after punching him in the fucking face a bunch of fucking times.]

Interview over...

That is Rico Slade in a nutshell.

I'm not exactly sure how to review this one, other than to say it was exactly what I was hoping it would be, plus a bit more. Before I spray the praise hose all over the place, let me get my one and only gripe out of the way by echoing the sentiments expressed by my friend Lea...the diner scene...completely unnecessary... it diminished my enjoyment of the book.

Okay, other than that, this book was 100+ pages of hiliarious, "over the top" satire that manages to be both brilliantly insightful and unabashedly juvenile. AT...THE...SAME...TIME.

Rico Slade is your quintessential caricature of a mega/uber/super action hero in the mold of Sylvester Bruce Schwarzenegger, complete with sunglasses that never come off, a leopard-skin jacket, zebra-skin, steel-toed SIZE 22 boots, and a classic Pompadour in the Elvis Dean Travolta style. In other words, take the word MACHO, put it on a 6 month regiment of raw meat, steroids and methamphetamines, and you'd still have something that Rico Slade would leave trembling in the corner whimpering for its mama.

Here’s the wrinkle...Rico Slade is a character played by actor Chip Johnson.

Chip, unlike Rico, suffers from massive insecurity, male pattern baldness and is going through a bit of a mid-lifer. Chip has started having real trouble distinguishing between fact and fiction and now thinks he really is Rico Slade. This, of course, is a big WIN for the reader, because violent, kick-face, in your ass superbness soon commences (FYI…you can switch “face” and “ass” around in the above description, but I think both versions work equally well for this story).

So while Rico Slade is running around Hollywood, ripping out throats, tearing out eyeballs, karate chopping a woman in the baby door, snapping necks, and peeing on corpses...oh...and punching...a bunch...of...fucking faces...a bunch...of...fucking times, Chip Johnson is trying to come to grips with his troubled inner self and long neglected needs, which were sacrificed on the altar of action stardom, and have remained buried deep inside him.

Rico and Chip are heading for a reckoning.

Plus, this is bizarro fiction so you have your usual cast of “semi” to “way the fuck” off characters including, (a) Chip’s therapist, Howard, who has an “anti-hair” obsession, a dwindling client base and a track record for turning patients into serial killers; (b) Howard’s wife, who is threatening to let the world’s entire male population play with her goodies unless Howard buys her some serious “bling” right NOW; and (c) George Proctor (aka Baron Mayhem), Chip’s closest friend and Rico Slade’s mortal enemy, a clean freak who lives in filth because he hates stereotypes (if that doesn’t make perfect sense, don’t worry, it just means your sane).

This is “laugh out loud and feel stupid about it” funny with some sharp, scathing commentary on the damage people do to themselves by embracing “roles” people thrust on them rather than staying true to who they are.

4.5 stars…HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

[Dan Schwent · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rico Slade's arch-nemesis, Baron Mayhem, is plotting to destroy the Earth and only Rico Slade can stop him. Rico Slade embarks on an orgy of destruction to find his arch enemy. But what does all this have to do with Chip Johnson, the man who plays Rico Slade in countless movies? Can Johnson's psychologist get to him before he gets to the actor who plays Baron Mayhem?

Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You is a hilarious tale about an actor who has snapped and thinks he's the character he's played in countless movies. Bradley Sands pokes fun at the exaggerated manliness of action movies while simultaneously crafting an action-packed story. Rico's tough guy rampage is hilarious if you've ever seen an action movie. Poor Harold Shwartzman, Rico Slade/Chip Johnson's psychiatrist, is the story's true hero. The twist of the truth of Slade's relationship with Baron Mayhem was well done.

Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You isn't for everyone, though. If you don't think people getting their throats ripped out, women getting karate chopped in their vaginas, people getting urinated upon, and tough guy quips are amusing, this probably isn't the book for you. Otherwise, buy this book and be highly entertained or RICO SLADE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU!

Note:
Read my interview with Bradley Sands here.

[Janie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rico Slade will do a double flip and a handstand before he rips your throat out. Then he will land perfectly on his size 22 feet without messing a hair on his perfect pompadour. Outfitted in leather bondage pants and a badass fanny pack headband, Rico Slade, aka Chip Johnson, is out to put a hurting on his rival, Baron Mayhem. But first he is going to clean up the Baron's apartment. Stay out of Rico's way, or he will give you deadarm. Superheroes do exist. You've been warned.

[Danger · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here’s the thing about writing a review. You can’t curse in it if you want Amazon to post it. The corporate overlords at Amazon are puritanical thought police. They might even censor this review for calling them puritanical thought police. If Rico Slade was here he’d punch all their heads off their bodies and then say something like ‘die you [redacted]’ or ‘[redact] this’ or even ‘suck my [redacted] you [redacted][redacted]’ Rico Slade likes to drop F-bombs in casual conversation every now and then. Rico Slade fights for what’s right. He’d have none of this censorship nonsense. If Rico Slade were writing this review, it’d be all nudity and violence and profanity and explosions and old lady throat ripping.

I loved this book. All 100 pages of it. I sat down and read it in one clip. No breaks. You know when the last time I did that was? Me neither, THAT’S how long ago it was. Bradley Sands writes this book with a sort of hammer-like intensity, delivering the story in gunshot short chapters, which totally works for this particular type of madness. We breeze through scenes of over-the-top cartoon violence as if they were the most pedestrian of acts. And as our unreliable protagonist, action movie star Chip Johnson (who believes he is his most famous character, Rico Slade) continues to lose his mind, we are treated to him cutting a swath of destruction across the city that may or may not be as bad as he describes. It paints a surreal picture, where fiction and reality blend together in already absurd world. It's a helluva lot of fun.

Sands' voice is strong in this one. Almost as strong as Rico Slade himself. That is part of what makes this book so enjoyable to me. The single, uncompromised manner in which it is conveyed. Bradley Sands is the kind of writer who follows his own compass. I find it entertaining as hell....

...oh wait, can I say hell, Amazon? Is that okay, BIG BROTHER? Or are you gonna blacklist my review for using a naughty word? If so, I hope you all BURN in H-E-double hockey sticks, you [redacted] mother[redactors]!

[Shovelmonkey1 · Rating 3 out of 5]

Shovelmonkey1 fucking read this.

Shovelmonkey1 read this on the fucking train. There was no killing there. But if Rico Slade was there he would have fucking killed you. Or at least given you a dead arm.

Shovelmonkey1 read this and immediately became a fervent convert to the high art of badassery.

Shovelmonkey1 is now armed with a tuna fish (which is not as dangerous as a swordfish but it was the nearest she could get) and a bandolier of water balloons hand grenades.

Shovelmonkey1 has burned her wardrobe of black-only clothes and overly high heeled shoes and has replaced them with a uniform of mirrored sunglasses, leopard skin jacket (vegetarian version) and zebra print cowboy boots. She believes this makes her look "hot to trot" but in reality looks like the bastard love child of Bett Lynch and Snake Pliskin.

Shovelmonkey1 is now trying to grow a giant pompadour but needs to figure out what one of those is first. For the time being she has to make do with owning a giant Labrador instead.

Shovelmonkey1 will not fucking kill you. Nor will she give you a dead arm. But she might offer to make you a vegetarian sandwich or give you a sarcastic look.

Edit: I've just realised that this review tells you very little about the book. Oh well.

[Mark]

The last few weeks have seen me up to my eyes most nights in motherf**cking and slaughter not, you understand, because Poole has suddenly become a hot bed of naughtiness well at least not down my street but because I have been wading my way through the bleak vision of Baltimore given us by 'The Wire'. Ths is an amazing series of investigations into drug wars, corruption and embezzlement all heavily flavoured with cursing, shooting and sex in no particular order or proportions and it performed the role of being the perfect preparation for this totally bizarre story of an actor suffering meltdown as his mind loses all anchorage to reality and he is taken over by the violent and bloodthirsty character he plays in assorted films and goes loudly and viciously mad.

Over the course of two evenings, in betweeen sampling chapters from a book on birdwatching and a reflection on Rembrandt's ' The Return of the Prodigal ' by Henri Nouwen's I imbibed in large draughts this story. The actor drifts in and out of sanity and finds himself in various situations covered in blood and glass and wearing all kinds of bizarre accessories which are inexplicable to his sane persona but make perfect sense to Rico Slade the testosterone enhanced brute who seeks out his arch enemy Baron Mayhem kicking, punching and eviscerating his way across Hollywood.

Each time normality 'recaptures the castle' for the briefest of seconds we are whirled round as the reader to face in the opposite direction and wonder what ever is happening. All this time Rico/Chip is pursued by his psychologist who needs his bills paid so as to be able to buy his nymphomaniacal harridan of a wife the 'bling' that will satisfy her lust for jewellery. Meanwhile Baron Mayhem spends the minutes awaiting the appearance of the violent vengeance of Rico Slade cleaning semen stains off his sofa....don't even go there....

Totally insane and weird. Unlikely I shall be indulging in the next Bradley Sands but every reading experience has gifts to offer I suppose and this one did take a line if rather off-key on the disintegration of a mind and the bleakness of insanity. This came to my attention as one of the classic titles from the shelves of the master of the fabulously off the wall title, Dan Schwent. I salute him for his ability to collect these wondrous editions but decided to read it on my kindle as I did worry about the corrupting influence an actual book with that title would have on the gentler sensitivities of say a Jane Austen or Henry James.

The book is very short so never really was in any danger of finding its way onto the not finished shelf. This was not just because of its length but also because i got caught up in trying to work out what in the Name of all that's Holy was going on. I never really sorted that, one of the great unanswered mysteries. It shall, however, join the select band of 'never again' though i do think it would absolutely be the physical book I would want to carry through the drug-embattled streets of Baltimore. If anyone dared to approach me with anything but fear and trembling i would whip it out and read a few lines whilst holding the cover for all to see.

[Steve Lowe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bradley Sands will fucking entertain you. Because that’s what Bradley Sands does. He writes funny books about disturbed movie stars who think they are the action heroes they portray in their movies. He writes about these guys doing things like back-flipping, and throat-ripping, and catch-phrasing, and face-kicking, and other good shit like that.

Bradley Sands doesn’t care if you laugh or not. Bradley Sands doesn’t give a shit about entertaining you. He just does it because he’s Bradley Fucking Sands, and that’s what happens when he writes a book. It entertains you, and you laugh.

Bradley Sands clearly watched a lot of action movies to prepare for writing this book. Bradley Sands has definitely seen “Roadhouse” and “The Last Action Hero” and possibly “Action Jackson” though maybe not, because that was a more obscure Carl Weathers vehicle that came out right around the time “Predator” was made. Carl Weathers wasn’t the star of “Predator” but he definitely parlayed his presence in that movie and his turns as Apollo Creed in Rocky I, II, III, and IV into his own headlining role.

The star of “Predator” was Arnold Schwarzenegger. There’s a picture of Arnold Schwarzenegger on the cover of Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You, which is Bradley Sands’s book. Arnold’s hair in the cover shot is on fire, which is also how Bradley Sands’s hair was while he was writing this book. That’s why Bradley Sands is bald now. Perhaps he should have called the book Rico Slade Will Fucking Bald You, but probably not because that’s not as funny and too much of an inside joke to be the title of a book. But his hair was on fire while he wrote it. And he was going Mach 2.

That’s another reference to an 80s action movie. That was from “Top Gun”. That movie starred Tom Cruise and Val Kilmer and it was about Navy pilots repressing their homosexual desires for each other by wearing hair gel and sweating a lot and playing volleyball together. Neither Arnold Schwarzenegger nor Carl Weathers were in that movie. No one as manly as those two, or Rico Slade for that matter, was in that movie. Rico Slade would fucking kill everyone that starred in “Top Gun”. Chip Johnson, the actor who plays Rico Slade, would have loved to be in “Top Gun”, but not Rico Slade. He would have the flight deck of that Navy aircraft carrier covered with the blood and ripped-out throats of “Top Gun” actors, because that’s what he does, and that’s why you need to read this fucking book.

Why the fuck are you still reading this review and not Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You? That book is way better than this review. Go on now. Let Bradley Sands fucking entertain you, already.

[Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

Bradley Sands is the greatest master of the art of book-length reader-trolling there is. Maybe. Bradley Sands is also a genius, a master of compelling, compulsively readable bizarro-fiction. Maybe. After reading Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You I'm not entirely certain which of these two statements is true, but I do know that this is an hilarious hollywood-satirising express train of a story, and it's damned entertaining.

Rico Slade is a Hollywood action hero, a macho, throat-ripping, unstoppable and slightly homoerotic Arnie type. The actor that plays him is balding, has a lot of issues and leads a life that is largely a lie. He's no hero in any sense, until his sanity cracks and his Rico Slade persona takes over, sending him on a weird, gross and LOL-worthy rampage through L.A in search of his on-screen nemesis, Baron Mayhem.

This isn’t a perfect story. It’s pacy, but all over the place. It’s compelling, but full of random weird bits that sometimes don’t quite compute. I couldn’t entirely shake the feeling that the entire book is some sort of extended prank on the reader. None of this really matters though - Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You is a wild, kinetic ride and pure fun to read. At ninety-nine pages, you could knock this book off in a single session, and it’s well worth doing so.

The ending comes up pretty quickly, and was a little unsatisfying until I considered it within the context of the whole story. Like the rest of Sand’s book, the more I think about it, the more I’m convinced that Rico Slade is actually light on the trolling, and rich with bizarre, memorable genius.

[Michael Sorbello · Rating 4 out of 5]

A hilariously over-the-top parody of ultra-masculine action movie heroes told from the perspective of a self-aware psychological horror story. Imagine if one day Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone snapped and became batshit crazy, confusing their acting roles with real life. That’s Rico Slade in a nutshell.

Rico Slade is a Hollywood Star living out his ultra-violent hypermasculine action hero movie roles in real life after suffering a psychotic breakdown and confusing fiction with reality. Everyone around him is a target in the way of reaching his arch-nemesis who he believes wants to destroy the entire world. Anyone that stands in his way gets exploded into puddles of gore, even cute grannies and innocent school kids. He thinks and talks in stereotypically badass one liners. He’s the embodiment of the ‘cool guys don’t look at explosions’ meme.

Very silly and entertaining. It captures the vibe of cheesy retro action movies perfectly. It’s a lot of fun and offers a unique perspective on the genre.

***

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[Brandon · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've been so busy lately that it took me almost a week to read a 112 page book. This is sad. I am a sad Brandon. That being said, there really isn't a whole lot to say about this one.

Honestly, this is totally insane. There's no better word to describe it, really. There are a lot of awesome one-liners and the humor is just completely off the wall. Next time I threaten someone, I'm totally going to tell them that I plan on "punching them in the fucking face a bunch of fucking times".

Short review is short.

Thank you.

[Anthony Chavez · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was quite the thrill ride. Bradley Sands did an awesome job making your stereotypical action star Chip Johnson go nuts and lose his grip on reality while his mind deteriorates, blending his action role of Rico Slade with his everyday life. Seeing the scene shift from what "Rico Slade" was doing AKA Chip doing as Rico, and then seeing what was really happening from someone elses perspective was downright hilarious, not to mention there are awesome chapter titles to boot.

Bradley does a great job of writing action how we imagine action, not wordy, but not boring, just more short abrupt face punches that get the point across. It definitely is fast paced, where at points you can just imagine what happens between scenes because, well, that doesn't really matter. It's very interesting and entertaining, and really does get you thinking, or rereading what just happened, because Rico Slade is quick and unpredictable and what just happened was awesome. Good stuff, loved it, definitely wanna get my hands on another Sands book.

[Melki · Rating 5 out of 5]

Two Big Stinkfingers Way Up!!! Hours of nasty, throat-ripping fun!
Melki will buy Rico Slade several cases of honey roasted peanuts
if Rico Slade will one day sit next to Melki's mother-in-law on
a plane...

[Christopher Mattick · Rating 5 out of 5]

At this point, I've probably agonized over writing this review longer than Bradley Sands took to write the book.

I'm not having trouble reviewing Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You because I *liked* it; I've no problem admitting I enjoy offbeat or lowbrow things. Trouble is I feel like a farmer what's been abducted by aliens and anally probed, and now I not only have to explain what happened to the sheriff, but I gotta tell Missus Farmer that in the future a finger or two might not be an unwelcome intrusion.

I liked it. I didn't want to like it. I've never read anything that comes close to it. I have no idea why Bradley Sands would write this. This thing is even more ridiculous than you would anticipate based on the cover or any preview you may have read. Is it Gonzo? Absurdist? I don't know! It's silly and scatological and violent and profane... All good things really, but so far over-the-top that you want to rip Bradley Sands's fucking throat out for thinking that he can get away with putting all of it together the way he did.

Is it good literature? You already know that it isn't. It's not even literature. It's the literary equivalent to chugging a two-liter of Code Red and a bag of Oreos while playing Xbox; it has no merit whatsoever. And I enjoyed the shit out of it.

The ending, I thought, was rushed; after a long build-up, the book wrapped-up entirely too quickly for me. By that time, I was enjoying Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You so much that I just wasn't ready for it to end.

As a novel, Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You ranks one star - less - the bare imprint of a where a star would go were one star even worthy. As raw, whacked-out, post-internet goofball entertainment, however, it gets all the stars. All the stars!

[Bridget · Rating 2 out of 5]

This one is about an action movie star who basically loses it & thinks he is his movie character in real life. Loved the main character's badassness (I know it's not a word yet still appropriate for the main character), but this one left me shaking my head. Had some hilarious moments skewering the action genre heroes like Rambo, Die Hard & any Arnold movie that were great. However the language & depravity to levity ratios were a bit to out of whack for me to really enjoy it. I hate to be sexist but what the heck, I think if I had a Y chromosome I probably would've liked it more. My X chromosome left me feeling inexplicably sorry for the protagonist (hence the lower star rating) despite the fact that this was a great satire.

[Justin Fraxi · Rating 4 out of 5]

Me, the whole time:

[Nicholas Karpuk · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Wait, what the hell just happened?" was my initial response when I completed this. It was a blur of high-stakes wackiness, and by the time I might have grown tired of the broad humor which occasionally strayed into lazy Hollywood stereotypes, it was already over.

But oddly I have fond feelings about it despite the dialogue that sometimes felt clunky, and not always in an ironically bad sort of way.

The title and the summary promised me hilarious, high-stakes cheesiness, and I was a trifle disappointed that it only really exists inside Chip's head. A villain whose bomb destroys people but leaves their money intact was funny enough to justify my purchase, I just wanted more of that.

Several things inform me that this may be considered Bizarro. My actual reading only leaned towards that in one regard. There's no real straight man in bizarro writing it seems, and to me that runs counter to a lot of effective comedy. When there's no element of normality to bounce all the madness off of, it loses a lot of its weight, and it just becomes a series of wacky, at times nonsensical things.

Absurdity is far more clever played against the mundane.

But I still smile when I think about the book, so that has to count for something, right?

[Marvin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I need to give this book five stars. If I don't, Rico Slade will fucking kill me.

And you do not want Rico Slade after your ass. He's Arnold, The Rock, Dolph, and Sylvester all rolled into one. He will rip your throat out faster than the Taco Bell Chihuahua can say "Yo Quiero Taco Bell."

The problem is there is no Rico Slade. Rico is just an actor named Chip Johnson who plays Rico. He is slovenly, balding, and is like Rico only in his mind. Yet when Chip goes postal in Hollywood, the fate of the world is left to his incompetent psychotherapist...

"No other psychologist in Hollywood has had so many patients go on killing sprees after a session. That's something to be proud of."

Bradley Sands has written an hilarious send-off of celebrity life and action movies that had me in fucking stitches. There is just the right amount of action, comedy and general bizarro-type mayhem. This book has everything; maniacal directors, feline-whipped therapists, 400 pound women with Tupac obsessions, homosexual angst, and more. With the assumption that obscenity and gratuitous gore and violence do not freak you out, this book will astound you. If you are a wimp about obscenity, violence and gore, then Rico Slade will fucking kill you.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gets 5 stars for the complete tomfoolery and badassery that can be found between the pages of this highly entertaining book cover.

To be honest, I purchased the book just because I had to have this cover adorn my shelves, but the book turned out to be one of Bradley Sands masterpieces as well. I laughed, I accidentally punched myself in the face (just because my alter-ego told me to do so), and I gave myself a skydiving wedgie on my 5th tandem jump (I'm just lucky my instructor that time was Rico Slade himself).

Plus, any book that has a Jared Bruckheiny in it and makes fun of the movie production industry (a place I know too much about and would like to forget) is A-OK by me! And if that's not a ringing endorsement for this book, I don't know what would be!

[Kris Lugosi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Meet Rico Slade:
Rico Slade is the type of guy to breeze through a room and leave nothing but fire and destruction in his path. Rico Slade is the type of guy to rip an old ladies throat out...just because he's Rico Fucking Slade! Rico Slade don't care what you think of him cause with his size 20 zebra skinned boots he could stomp your face in while back kicking you in the ribcage before he rips your fucking throat out! Rico Slade just don't give a fuck when it comes to saving the world from his arch nemesis Baron Mayhem who at any moment will drop a bomb on Earth killing everyone except himself!

Meet Chip Johnson:
Chip Johnson is the type of guy to walk into a room and clean every inch of the that motherfucker!
Chip Johnson is NOT the type of guy to let germs win the battle, NO, Chip Johnson is the type of guy to repeatedly punch that amoeba in the face over and over! That's right! AND Chip Johnson is not gonna let his male pattern baldness, sweatpants, windbreaker, and flip flops stop him from tickling his enemies until they give him what he wants! And his specialty move? He will fucking punch you so hard your arm will go dead...for a minute or two...

What do these two seemingly opposite men have in common? They are one in the same! That's right Chip Johnson is Rico Slade and Rico Slade is Chip Johnson.....

So...this book is definitely perfect for anyone who loves action movies and nonsensical explosions....that being said this was an entertaining read despite my meh attitude towards action.

We are first introduced to Rico Slade, the action hero of the hit Rico Slade action movies. The beginning is all Rico Slade this and Rico Slade that which is tiresome until the book picks up. We are then introduced to Chip Johnson and find out that he is the actor that portrays Rico Slade and we soon find that the poor sap is having serious trouble telling himself apart from Rico and mixing his action world into reality. The funny parts of this book are when you are reading from Rico Slade's destructive perspective and then you read what is actually happening because these "heinous" acts are being performed by Chip.

Along the way we meet Chip's gay lover George, or in Rico's mind, the criminal mastermind Baron Mayhem. And the one person who is suppose to be able to help him, his a failed jewish psychiatrist who can't seem to keep any of his patients from going on killing sprees. Harold Schwartzmann is not out for Chip's best interest though, and what ensues is a wild ride with a pretty explosive ending...abrupt...but what action movie isn't? In the end, "It's all about the love, baby."

[Edmund Colell · Rating 5 out of 5]

A hell of a lot of hot-blooded fun. Like, if-Preacher-was-adapted-to-literature hot-blooded fun. But Rico Slade doesn’t give a crap about Preacher, or comics, or being compared. Rico Slade only allowed himself to be in a book written by Bradley Sands because reality would not be able to handle him.

The book opens with a plane-jacking scene involving a swordfish-wielding villain and the protagonist tearing out throats. Normally that would be enough for me to say “Yup, that’s awesome” and call it a day. Then there were Rico Slade’s over-the-top hallucinations and the equally over-the-top narrative. Then there was the insane dynamic between Chip Johnson (Rico Slade’s “real life” alter ego. Shut up, it’s cooler to think of it this way) and Rico Slade. And then, outside of this body of badassery, there are characters such as his psychologist, Harold Schwartzman, who intends on hypnotizing and pimping Chip Johnson. By the end, you will imagine Harold as Joe Pesci and visualize the final fight between him and Chip/Rico. Joe Pesci in a gangbang with his over-the-top slutty wife will not be a sight to miss, either – for morbid reasons. And if the goal of seeing that does not propel you all the way through, the effective changes in narrative voice will. Then the ending, while seemingly coming out of left field, was an effective stinger.

But will that ending be an effective stinger for everyone who reads it? Personally I came to like it but I was not initially impressed by the ending before thinking on it some more. As such, this is not a real complaint and so Rico Slade will probably not tear out my throat. Granted, someone else might do that somewhere along the line if Rico Slade does not mark his territory here and now.

Five torn throats out of five, because Rico Slade likes balance.

[Peter Goutis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sometimes we get caught up in "beautiful prose" or "coming of age story" and forget the reason we started reading. It was because it was fun. It made us forget reality for a minute. And Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You does just that. It's fun as hell. And I couldn't stop reading it no matter how immature it felt.

The synopsis for Rico Slade does not do Rico Slade justice. But granted, if the synopsis was written "right" it would ruin the story. The story really doesn't reveal itself until a few chapters in. And that's kind of when the story stops being, just a funny goofy read, and starts to have some substance. There's a reason Rico Slade is running around town ripping throats out and it's not what you think.

This is The Last Action Hero meets A Beautiful Mind.

The end was a little bit abrupt, but other than that I really liked this book. I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. I can see giving this to your friends who say they don't read. I think they'd absolutely love this book.

I mean, how can you not like passages like this:

You’ve got Rico Slade on the line and I’m gonna stop you from destroying the world by punching you in the fucking face a bunch of fucking times.

“You’ve got a filthy mouth,” Rico Slade says. “I’m gonna wash it out with my foot.” With a single, continuous kick, he shatters the car windshield and puts his foot in the driver’s mouth, then waits a few minutes until the driver chokes to death.
He stretches his leg and walks over to the next car. He does this again and again. There are no further complaints.

[Chris Eng · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You is the book Mark Leyner would come up with if he'd been up for a few days and decided to enter the Three Day Novel Writing Competition by composing a response to Fight Club after watching Commando several times on repeat.

That's not a diss.

RSWFKY is easily the best bizarro book I've read and one I'll probably read a few more times again. It touches on masculinity, gender roles, homosexuality, mass media and problems of the psyche in a package which may be considered short by mainstream bestseller standards, but is actually exactly as long as it needs to be. Why drag things out into a multi-hour torture session when a swift kick to the nuts and a jab to the face will do the same job?

Bottom line? Well done, Mr. Sands--well done. If I could, I'd rip your throat out in admiration.

[Jess Gulbranson · Rating 5 out of 5]

In public, Bradley Sands may deny that he is the heir to the lush absurdity of Mark Leyner's fiction, but I am here to affirm it. RSWFKY is an example of how to do absurd (or Bizarro, if that tag is for you) and satire without it becoming a parody of itself. The book offers no apologies for its over-the-top madness, and while his fellows lock into other flavors of absurdity(Jordan Krall with horror, Anderson Prunty with magic realism), Bradley Sands seems to be making his mark as a Bizarro humorist without peer. Mark Leyner may have given up fiction for the silver screen, but that is okay. Rico Slade- I mean, Bradley Sands- is here to save us.

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A writhing romp through everything I love/hate about blockbuster action films and everything everyone hates about men (& some women).

This is the place to enjoy more good bad stuff in print than anyone could ever get away with on the big screen!



My copy is going up on GR swap, get it while it's hot!

[Curtis · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is for chads.

[Justin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Where do I even begin? It's by far one of the most insanely bizarre and ridiculous books I have ever read and I loved every bit of it! I didn't think a book could so be all over the place and yet still have a solid concept and plot but guess what this book is just that. My thoughts on this book? I don't know, I can't definitively find words to describe what I think of this book. It's good of course but how do you find a word to explain a book so off the wall, so ridiculous and so silly yet so beautifully constructed at the same time? Badass, for the sake of needing a word let's go with badass. The title and cover alone tell you something awesome is within the pages but it truly isn't until you read it for yourself that you find yourself completely stunned and at a loss but your so into the story that you keep reading and turning page after page. Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You is a book that takes you on a journey that you would never in your wildest dreams consider yourself going on but you just strap yourself in and ride it..ride it for all its worth.

Right off the bat we get a dose of the main character, Rico Slade. We are reminded and told exactly who Rico Slade is and what he does and doesn't like because Rico Slade is mentioned 14 times on the first page alone. We find out that Rico Slade is actually a character played by Chip Johnson but since I don't do spoilers and you need to read this to understand the rest I'll leave it at that. Have you ever wrote a book and wondered how many pages chapters should be? Well author Bradley Sands never considered this thought for this book. Almost every chapter is either one or two pages long, something I've really never come across with any other book ever, brilliant. There are some chapters that only have a few words with Chapter 34 being my favorite as there is only one word on the page aside from the title that word being "shit." That's it, the only word on Chapter 34 is the word "shit". Then there's another chapter where the only words are "What the crap?". The author told you something about the story simply by using a off the wall title of the chapter folllowed by a few words or in some cases one word. With a character like Rico Slade prancing around the pages like a douchey badass it's no wonder the pages are so short, because that's how Rico Slade rolls, that how it needs to be.

I found myself glued to some of the scenes in this book and completely grossed out or and at a loss for words so I just carried on and read the next. As you read, well at least I felt this way but as you read the book at times I found myself rooting for Rico Slade and other times my head screamed, "For the love of god SOMEONE STOP THIS MANIAC!!" Also this is a book where if you think you know what's gonna happen next, lmao! Your wrong, not only do you not know what's going to happen next but your probably way off. (Example: Why did the chicken cross the road?) Think it's to get to the other side? No, in this book a chicken would cross the road because Pluto is no longer a planet and Captain Kirk needs to make pancakes to appease the God of Awesomeness. As bizarre as the book was I can't compliment the author enough for actually containing an actual plot with different characters with their own very unique personalities. If you can still follow the book while all the nonsense and foolery is going on then I tip my imaginary sailor's cap off to you.

This book reminded me of Fight Club at times because of Rico Slade and some of the scenes of total anarchy that made me think of Project Mayhem...oddly enough Rico Slade's villain's name is Baron Mayhem. Oh I'm sorry you think that's a random connection? Well after you read this book you can make all the random connections you want too. Sorry..the book makes you a bit bold and makes you speak out of turn. But overall this book was an absolute blast to read. From it's off the wall comedy to it's action and adventure dipped in tabasco sauce. If you want to laugh your ass off, scratch your head and keep being entertained this then book is a must read for you. I have a feeling many of author Bradley Sands books are just like this and if that's the case then I'm definitely checking out more of his work.

[Greg B · Rating 4 out of 5]

As I read more of the bizarro genre, I've come to the conclusion that its books can be generally divided into one of two camps: "weird" bizarro and "funny" bizarro. "Weird" Bizarro focuses on shocking and often disgusting the reader with impossible situations involving demons and vaginas and gore (see: everything Carlton Mellick III has ever written), while "funny" bizarros are in essence pitch-black comedies, taking a situation that could never occur in mainstream literature and pulling it to its snapping point (see: Mykle Hansen's sublime "Help! A Bear is Eating Me!")

I've realized that I greatly prefer the second type to the first.

Which is good, because Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You crashes directly into the second camp with a tremendous bloody explosion and doesn't stop. Rico Slade will ruin your life. Rico Slade will crash a car into your house and beat you to death with one of his many awards. Everything from his focus-group approved catchphrases to his inability to restrain himself from doing violence to anyone who crosses his path makes Rico Slade a pitch-perfect satire of over-the-top action films. It's everything warmed-over crap like The Expendables wishes it could be. It's like a Chuck Norris joke, but with the balls to actually be shocking and funny.

What makes Rico Slade really interesting is the "through the looking glass" approach Sands takes with his character. You see, Rico Slade doesn't actually exist: he's a character in a film, portrayed by middle-aged balding washed-up secretly gay actor Chip Johnson. When Chip has a nervous breakdown on set, he has a psychotic break and becomes convinced that he is Slade, and that Hollywood is the set of his latest no-holds-barred, R-rated thriller. There's lots and lots (one might almost say too many) books that function as a male-power fantasy, and there's a small number of books that are takedowns of the male-power fantasy, but it's rare to have a book that celebrates a macho action beatdown even as it pokes fun at it. Chip Johnson is the Jekyll to Rico Slade's Hyde, descending at the drop of a hat into his kickass action-film persona, but the book does a funny thing: it constantly oscillate's between what's going on in Chip's head and what passerby actually see. It never really lets us forget how big of a monster Rico Slade would be if he existed in real life. It's this disconnect that powers most of the comedy in Rico Slade, and it feels just right for the book's bizarro novel runtime. Too much longer and it might've gotten stale, but Rico Slade gets out every crazy scenario it wants in 110 pages and ends before it can wear out its welcome. Anyone who likes bizarro novels or wants to revel in ridiculous action film cliches will have a blast.

[Emory · Rating 5 out of 5]

The title says it all, “Rico Slade will Fucking Kill You!” Bradley Sands has served up a quick action-packed read with his 2011 novel from Lazy Fascist Press, but there is more to it than just an action hero on a rampage.
Within the covers of “Rico...” Sands deals with issues of identity, whether intentionally or not. The blurring of reality and fantasy, self-esteem/image, stereotypes; how we see ourselves and others forms the backbone of this story. Through the character of Rico Slade and the actor that portrays him, Chip Johnson, the reader is taken on a roller coaster ride of blurred lines and in-your-face psychosis. Adding Chip's psychiatrist to the mix only intensifies the excitement and generates more mind-bending ideas to consider.
Rather than a wordy, boring, or clinical approach that might normally come from such a subject, Sands delivers a fast-paced narrative that simultaneously entertains and forces the reader to think. They may not do that thinking until the credits roll, but there are plenty of things to consider when dust settles and the bodies are counted.
In all, Bradley Sands won't fucking kill you, but his book will punch you in the face repeatedly. Like an old-fashioned 1980's-era action flick, you will walk away talking about how bad-ass the experience was. You will be forced to ask: Please sir, may I have another?

[Benoit Lelièvre · Rating 4 out of 5]

RICO SLADE WITH FUCKING KILL YOU comes out of the gates booming. It's fun, quirky and it's happening in some kind of very enjoyable alternate hyperreality. The first chapter is an absolute riot and the protagonist of the novella has a lot more depth than what his action suggests. It kind of hits a wall halfway into it and starts following Rico's rampage around Hollywood and leaves aside the double-entendres and the elaborate jokes.

The book holds up together though as Bradley Sands wraps it up rather beautifully after exhausting Rico's bloodlust. RICO SLADE WILL FUCKING KILL YOU is as raucous as announced, has funny quips to throw at the Hollywood action movie culture and has surprising creative vision. There is a little bit of hot hair in there (especially in the second half), but it's still a strong exercise in outstranging the strange place that is Hollywood. Entertaining, good display of what bizarro fiction can offer.

[Sean Ferguson · Rating 3 out of 5]

Rico Slade will indeed kill you. The man, he's on a mission to stop Baron Mayhem from destroying the planet with a bomb that can eliminate everything but the world's currency. However, if you step in his way, he has no qualms about tearing your throat out with his bare hands; whether you're a middle-aged tourist walking the streets of Hollywood, or you're a grandmother on an airplane. But the story is deeper than that. Rico Slade is just a character in an action movie series. Chip Johnson is the balding actor that plays Slade, with an ever-growing stomach, terrible fashion sense, and an inability to decipher between reality and his character's world.

Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You is a Bizarro peek inside the absurd world of celebrity where criminal punishment is mere suggestion and any and all press is fantastic press. If you aren't familiar with Bizarro, as this was my first foray into the genre, then make sure you crack the first page with an open mind. It blends satire with the grotesque, a literary Garbage Pail Kids on meth, if you will. You'll read about human juices and euphemisms for body parts Urban Dictionary may not have entries for yet. However, just because high schools around the nation won't be jumping at covering these books in their classrooms anytime soon, not that you should be using public schools as a measuring stick for what you read, it doesn't mean Bizarro is any less relevant or important.

The point here is to have a statement and cause you to feel at the same time. Although the excessive violence and action in the book toes the line of overkill, and then urinates all over that line, it really isn't a far cry from what we see time again in our theaters. And while the anti-hero walks in self-perpetuated slow motion from an explosion while lighting his cigar, you realize this isn't the movie. This is the actor, in the real world, creating mayhem and getting away with it. He lives and breathes the same air as the starlets in and out of rehab, burning through fifth, sixth, and seventh chances at being tolerable humans in the free world.

The writing here is easy enough to follow and serves as a nice reprieve from heavier reads. There's a chapter that consists of the title and one single word, "Shit." Where else can you find that brand of comedic genius, to devote an entire chapter to one word, and to have that word be a simple exclamation of profanity? It sure beats the long-winded ravings of a Franzen or Dickens. If you want a quick read riddled with perversion and audacious fun, check out Bradley Sands' Rico Slade Will Fucking Kill You. It's a good time, a real good goddamn time.

Release Date: February 4, 2011
Order: HERE
Official Website: HERE