How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships

by Dalai Lama XIV, Jeffrey Hopkins

Love and compassion are beneficial both for you and for others. Through your kindness toward others, your mind and heart will open to peace. Expanding peace to the larger community around you will bring unity, harmony, and cooperation. Expanding peace further still to nations and then to the world will bring mutual trust, mutual respect, sincere communication, and finally successful joint efforts to solve the world's problems. All this is possible once you learn HOW TO EXPAND LOVE With this illuminating and instructive handbook, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, offers sensible, everyday guidelines for transforming self-centered energy into outwardly directed compassion. Drawing on exercises and techniques established in Tibetan monasteries more than a thousand years ago, the Dalai Lama describes a seven-step, self-directed program to help us open our hearts and minds to the experience of unlimited love, transforming every relationship in our lives -- and guiding us ever closer to wisdom and enlightenment.

Genres: Buddhism, Nonfiction, Religion, Spirituality, Philosophy, Love, Audiobook

224 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2005

About the author

Jetsun Jamphel Ngawang Lobsang Yeshe Tenzin Gyatso (born Lhamo Döndrub), the 14th Dalai Lama, is a practicing member of the Gelug School of Tibetan Buddhism and is influential as a Nobel Peace Prize laureate, the world's most famous Buddhist monk, and the leader of the exiled Tibetan government in India.

Tenzin Gyatso was the fifth of sixteen children born to a farming family. He was proclaimed the tulku (an Enlightened lama who has consciously decided to take rebirth) of the 13th Dalai Lama at the age of two.

On 17 November 1950, at the age of 15, he was enthroned as Tibet's ruler. Thus he became Tibet's most important political ruler just one month after the People's Republic of China's invasion of Tibet on 7 October 1950. In 1954, he went to Beijing to attempt peace talks with Mao Zedong and other leaders of the PRC. These talks ultimately failed.

After a failed uprising and the collapse of the Tibetan resistance movement in 1959, the Dalai Lama left for India, where he was active in establishing the Central Tibetan Administration (the Tibetan Government in Exile) and in seeking to preserve Tibetan culture and education among the thousands of refugees who accompanied him.

Tenzin Gyatso is a charismatic figure and noted public speaker. This Dalai Lama is the first to travel to the West. There, he has helped to spread Buddhism and to promote the concepts of universal responsibility, secular ethics, and religious harmony.

He was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1989, honorary Canadian citizenship in 2006, and the United States Congressional Gold Medal on 17 October 2007.

Reviews

[Lyn · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very good book, beautifully written.

I have read Buddhist texts before and I am always amazed at the accessibility of universal truths and the similarities of lessons between faiths. The desire to be happy and to avoid suffering, and the frequent inability to do either, is contemplated in temples and churches alike.

[Bionic Jean · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dalai Lamas began as a lineage of spiritual teachers. The name is a combination of the Mongolic word for ocean dalai and the Tibetan word bla-ma meaning "guru", as in teacher or mentor. The current holder of the title is the 14th Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, who is a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize.

Born to a peasant family, he was recognised at the age of two, as the reincarnation of his predecessor the 13th Dalai Lama. This was in accordance with Tibetan tradition. He underwent intensive education and training for his role, gaining degrees in Buddhist Philosophy, logic, monastic discipline and the study of metaphysics. Dalai Lama XIV has written many works to promote his message of world peace, and How to Expand Love: Widening the Circle of Loving Relationships is his self-help manual for the ordinary person. It is translated by Jeffrey Hopkins, who has translated many Buddhist texts. Hopkins is Professor of Tibetan Studies at the University of Virginia, and has also established the largest academic programme of Tibetan Buddhist studies in the West.

The current Dalai Lama XIV is no "ivory tower" monk. He has a wide experience of many cultures and faiths, and of conversing and negotiating in some of the worst possible political situations. In 1950 at the age of 16, Dalai Lama XIV was called upon to assume full political power as Head of State and Government when Tibet was threatened by China. In 1959 he was forced into exile in India after the Chinese military occupation of Tibet. Since 1960 he has headed the Tibetan Government in Exile in Dharamsala, or "Little Lhasa".

Since his first visit to the West in the early 1970s, the current Dalai Lama's reputation as a scholar and ambassador of Peace has steadily grown. It is perhaps because of Tibet's unique position in history, that unlike his predecessors, he has visited most countries in the world, meeting with their religious leaders. He is respected world-wide for his distinguished writings in Buddhist philosophy, his respect for the environment, and above all, his leadership in the areas of freedom and peace.

In the last two decades, the Dalai Lama has set up educational, cultural and religious institutions which have made major contributions towards the preservation of the Tibetan identity and its rich heritage. He continues to present new initiatives to resolve the Tibetan issues, urging "earnest negotiations" on the future of Tibet and relations between the Tibetan and Chinese people.

"Buddhist practices for training the mind can be summed up in two sentences: "If you are able, you should help others. If you are not able, you should at least not harm others." Both are based on love and compassion."

During his travels abroad, the Dalai Lama continues to advocate better understanding and respect among the different faiths of the world. He stresses the need for unity between different religions. At the World Congress of Faiths, he said,

"I always believe that it is much better to have a variety of religions, a variety of philosophies, rather than one single religion or philosophy. This is necessary because of the different mental dispositions of each human being. Each religion has certain unique ideas or techniques, and learning about them can only enrich one's own faith."

The Dalai Lama aims to promote his compassionate lifestyle by means of this handbook. He imparts the message of universal responsibility, love, understanding, compassion and kindness. He attempts to set out sensible, everyday guidelines to enable people to transform their self-centred energy into such outwardly directed compassion,

"Basically, universal responsibility is feeling for other people's suffering just as we feel our own. It is the realisation that even our enemy is entirely motivated by the quest for happiness. We must recognise that all beings want the same thing that we want."

As human beings, the Dalai Lama says, we are born to love but we may not know how to do so unconditionally. In this book, he explains how we each possess enormous potential to grow in love. This book is a guide towards attaining a "Bodhisattva" way of life. This means an enlightenment "bodhi" being "sattva". Traditionally, a Bodhisattva is anyone who, motivated by great compassion, has generated a spontaneous wish to attain Buddhahood for the benefit of all sentient beings. It is not a Buddha, but a stage on the way to becoming a Buddha, a person "bound for enlightenment". In other words, a Bodhisattva is a person whose aim is to become fully enlightened.

Drawing on exercises and techniques established in Tibetan monasteries more than a thousand years ago, the Dalai Lama has worked out a seven-step progression of exercises, or active meditations. The steps are:

The First Step - Recognising Friends
The Second Step - Appreciating Kindness
The Third Step - Returning Kindness
The Fourth Step - Learning to Love
The Fifth Step - The Power of Compassion
The Sixth Step - Total Commitment
The Seventh Step - Seeking Altruistic Enlightenment

There are sixteen chapters, the intervening chapters detailing further steps in between these goals, ways of focusing on and motivating oneself in order to achieve them. It is a self-directed programme encouraging people to develop our potential for unlimited love and compassion. He advocates transforming every single relationship in our lives, however small or transitory, thereby guiding us ever closer to wisdom and enlightenment,

"We live in a period of great crisis, a period of troubling world developments. It is not possible to find peace in the soul without security and harmony between the people ... One nation's problems can no longer be solved by itself completely. Thus, without a sense of universal responsibility, our very survival becomes threatened."

Further thoughts distilled by the Dalai Lama in this book:

"These ten cause suffering both for others and for you."

Physical non-virtues:
1. killing
2. stealing
3. sexual misconduct
Verbal non-virtues:
1. lying
2. divisive talk
3. harsh speech
4. senseless chatter
Mental non-virtues:
1. covetousness
2. harmful intent
3. wrong views

8 Worldly concerns:
like/dislike
gain/loss
praise/blame
fame/disgrace

[robin friedman · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Dalai Lama On Love

"When I speak about love and compassion, I do so not as a Buddhist, or as a Tibetan, nor as the Dalai Lama. I do so as one human being speaking with another". With these words, the Dalai Lama opens his recent guide to expanding one's circle of loving relationships through the practice of love and compassion. This book is simply and eloquently written, and its teachings are wise. The Dalai Lama points out that human beings are essentially alike when superficial differences are pealed away. In addition, all religions are essentially alike to the extent they teach love, kindness, and peace and "a desire to help their fellow beings." (p.4) The Dalai Lama presents a way of understanding these insights and a means of bringing them into focus in one's life through the practice of lovingkindness. Some of the teachings in this book make use of specifically Buddhist beliefs such as the doctrine of rebirth. But the practices and principles of this book can be used with benefit regardless of whether the reader accepts or doesn't accept rebirth or other specifically Buddhist doctrines.

The Dalai Lama sets forth a process of reflective understanding and meditation in first understanding the nature of love and then learning to practice it. It is an inner-directed teaching in that it looks to the self and to self-understanding rather than to externals -- to things beyond one's control such as wealth or power or to success -- as the key to happiness. Thus, the first part of the Dalai Lama's teaching in this book is directed to an understanding of the basic purity of the human mind. Because the mind is pure, it is possible, for the Dalai Lama, to remove defilements such as hatred, lust, and ignorance. The radiant, empty character of the mind also links all human beings together in terms of establishing a commonality and an ability to love and be loved. It teaches that people ought not to be categorized in that beyond the defilements that plague all of us, we are essentially human with the need to be loved and to be free from suffering. This teaching of the pure, radiant mind ("Buddha nature") possessed by all is the most fundamental and difficult teaching in this book.

The Dalai Lama then presents a series of seven steps to increase one's ability to feel love and compassion for an ever-growing class of people and sentient beings. The process is presented in gradually expanding steps, and the reader can follow the path as it develops. Each step is accompanied by teachings and by suggested meditation practices. these seven steps are 1.creating a positive attitude towards others; 2. recognizing the kindnesses each of us has received; 3. reciprocating the kindness of others; 4. learning to love others (including learning the difference between disinterested love and love based upon attachment, such as physical or sensual desire or upon the receipt of benefits from those close to us); 5. practicing compassion, the desire to have others free from suffering; 6 becoming committed to altruism -- to training one's mind to and working for the welfare of others; and 7. realizing enlightenment in terms of being devoted to the welfare of others.

The teachings in this book are in part guides that everyone can use regardless of his or her religious beliefs, and in part a simple exposition of the bodhisattva path of Mahayana Buddhism. The Dalai Lama makes frequent reference to ancient Indian and Tibetan sources, including the Tibetan "Stages on the Path to Enlightenment" (pp 7-8), and the teachings of the great Indian sage, Nagarjuna (pp. 190 -- 197). Each chapter of the book is headed by a short quotation from a Buddhist source that the Dalai Lama amplifies in the teachings that follow.

This book is short and a pleasure to read, but there is no suggestion that the teachings are easy. Work on the mind and on learning to love is a project of years and lives. The Dalai Lama has written an inspiring guide to learning to love.

Robin Friedman

[Amible Gal · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Dalai Lama has an interesting point in this book regarding equanimity. -- Look at everyone in this world: friends, foes, family as if they were your mother or nurturer. It's interesting to think that we are only friends with someone, because they offer us something. However, what about those who we feel offer us nothing; or worse, ruin our lives? The Dalai Lama suggests that no one or nothing can ruin our lives, because it's all a learning experience on our way to Enlightment. This book is worth a read, if you're looking for a new way to open your own cirlce of love.

[Stiven Salazar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Aunque se me hizo un poco difícil ya que en si el libro se basa completamente en concebir y aceptar el continuo de vidas o la reencarnación, no cabe duda de la gran enseñanza que hay detrás de las palabras escritas por el Dalai Lama, cuando se habla de buscar la felicidad no sólo se refiere a la felicidad individual sino que intenta explicar que esta está ligada al altruismo enfocando te a hacer feliz a las demás personas, este libro me deja una muy buena enseñanza que espero tener siempre presente en mi día a día

[Baroness · Rating 1 out of 5]

Dull audiobook.

[May Ling]

Great book for walking a person through exactly how to think through meditation that expels negativity toward others and brighten one's own life. Wonderful!!

[Jessi Collier Wakefield · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was just such a refreshing and well spent time reading through this. Focusing on love and compassion was a far better use of my time.

[Kerri · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a book that can easily be read quickly in one sitting, but really needs to be taken slowly and visited again and again to get the full impact. It isn't meant to be something you read once and done, but rather it outlines steps for how to become a more loving person through specific meditations and activities. Like a study guide. I guess it is a short summary of Stages of the path to Enlightenment. He says that "all good qualities have to be sown and cultivated over months and years. You cannot expect to go to sleep tonight as an ordinary person and rise tomorrow with high realization" (131). The steps build on each other, so there is repetition, but it is purposeful repetition.

If you are hoping that this book will magically change your life overnight upon one reading, you will be sorely disappointed. But if you are looking for viable steps to take to try to have more love for the people around you even though it will take years of dedication, then this is a good source.

[Simon Brostedt · Rating 2 out of 5]

För mycket om cyklisk existens & ständiga upprepningar, förväntade mig mer, framförallt med tanke på kvaliteten i vissa av hans andra böcker.

[Elaine Carmona · Rating 4 out of 5]

Muy buen libro, me gustó aunque considero que no es para leerlo una sola vez, se debería de leer de vez en cuando ya que aunque hay muchas cosas de las que nos hablan en el, que serían buenas implementar en nuestras vidas o nuestro modo de pensar, no lo hacemos. Espero haberme explicado bien.

[Greg · Rating 4 out of 5]

“When I speak about love and compassion, I do so not as a Buddhist, nor as a Tibetan, nor as the Dalai Lama. I do so as one human being speaking with another. I hope that you at this moment will think of yourself as a human being rather than as an American, Asian, European, African, or member of any particular country. These loyalties are secondary. If you and I find common ground as human beings, we will communicate on a basic level.” This begins this book by the Dalai Lama on the subjects of compassion and love. He prefaces this start with a quotation from Bodhisattva Tokmay Sangpo – “If the Internal enemy of hatred is not tamed, when one tries to tame external enemies, they increase. Therefore, it is a practice of the wise to tame themselves by means of the forces of love and compassion.”

The Dalai Lama attempts, legitimately, to communicate a better way to guide the day of every human being. He speaks clearly from a Buddhist mindset, the practices of which form essentially the second half of the book. The first half is a calm and reasoned proposal – that your life, and the lives of all those around you, will be better with mindful attention to compassion and love.“ Pure from the start and endowed with a spontaneous nature, this diamond mind is the basis of all spiritual development. Even while generating a great many good and bad conceptions such as desire, hatred, and bewilderment, the diamond mind itself is free from the corruptions of these defilements, like sky throughout clouds. Water may be extremely dirty, yet its nature remains clear. Similarly, no matter what afflictive emotions are generated as the artifice of this diamond mind, and no matter how powerful they are, the basic mind itself remains unaffected by defilement; it is good without beginning or end.” (26) The analogy to water is particularly powerful to me.

“Use your good common sense. Is anger useful? If you get angry at someone, the result is good neither for you nor for the other person. Nothing helpful comes of it. In the end, anger does not harm others; it hurts yourself.” (147) Many people, myself included, would say that this is easier said than done. Many people would also say that anger can serve a good purpose. The Dalai Lama would respond, I think, by saying that if anger is expressed in a spirit of love and compassion, and therefore can reasonable elicit a productive response, then it can be useful. Most people, however, express anger in an undisciplined, emotional manner without an objective of love and compassion in mind.

The rest of the book discusses various practices for training your mind to view others with love and compassion. These practices may seem less-than-essential to anyone without previous practice or study in meditation, and I would guess that this book will not convince people to try them. In that, I think the Dalai Lama may have missed an opportunity, as the first part of this book is quite compelling.

See my other reviews here!

[Adam Nelson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm a Christian, not a Buddhist, so I really just took what I could use from this book, which is actually a great deal. Many Christians seem to be concerned with scaring sinners into salvation with hellfire and brimstone (have we learned nothing over the past 500 years?). The Dalai Lama's meditations, if adapted so as not to focus so much on reincarnation, past lifetimes, future lifetimes, etc., could really help Christians become more compassionate. I was struck by how these meditations get you centered on the other person's welfare, not only regarding friends and acquaintances, but bitter enemies as well. The Dalai Lama speaks of anger as a fleeting, temporary state. An enemy now may be your best friend in another lifetime, so try to apply yourself toward thinking of them that way now. While I believe that our current lives on Earth is it so far as temporal lifetimes go, I do think there is a lot of use in thinking of anger and adversaries as being temporary and fleeting. Against the backdrop of eternity, they certainly are. Thus, what effort can we put forth to realize compassion for them now? He also speaks of how being concerned for the good of another directly affects our own welfare, that their happiness is our happiness, their blessing is our blessing. Stripped of religious context, these are universal virtues. I will submit, however, that no human being is capable of achieving perfect compassion on their own. Perhaps if meditation not only was a part of your life but it WAS your life, you could achieve something close to it. But I believe that it is not human love, compassion, and wisdom that people need but that which comes from Jesus Christ. People have a tendency to make religion out of abundant grace and blessing. We have a tendency to resist true happiness because we think we're individually responsible for it, thus we are the cause of it. We fall short in making ourselves happy. We also fall short in ALLOWING ourselves to be happy, and when we're not happy, we're not compassionate. In my experience, the radical grace doctrine that's becoming a global sensation in Christianity right now is truly capable of bringing the believer true happiness and, thus, true compassion for others. I recommend folks seek out the writing of Paul White, Lynne Hiles, and John Sheasby.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a book I read over and over. It puts things in perspective. We make things much more complicated then they need to be. He simplifies things and helps you see past anger, greed and sadness. I love reading his work.

[Carrie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I needed this. Reminds me that everyone wants happiness and wants to avoid suffering. We should focus on helping others achieve happiness and avoid suffering. We can help people in the simplest ways. One good idea is to just listen.

[Katilyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

"All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think, we become." -- Buddha

My hope is that listening to this has put my mind on the path toward more compassionate actions.

[Kate · Rating 5 out of 5]

What's not to say about this book? Simple guide to living a loving life. I could read his books forever and all day long. So inspiring!

[Andy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I feel strange giving a book filled with love and caring three stars. Maybe this is not the right time in my life for me to read this book, and maybe I will revisit it later.

The Dalai Lama writes about how to achieve universal love, compassion, and altruism, with specific meditation exercises and thoughtful writing. One of the concepts in this book is not to focus on circumstantial attachment. If you love someone because you are close to them and they are kind to you, then you are less likely to love someone you have no attachment for, and are likely to not love your enemies. The same for feeling compassion to someone, or wanting to help someone. If you attach those desires to temporary circumstances, you will not be able to expand your love for others, and when those temporary circumstances with those close to you cease, you won't be well off.

Instead, the Dalai Lama preaches love and compassion for all sentient creatures. Love that transcends temporary conditions, rooted in the desire of all sentient creatures for happiness. It's a warming thought.

The root of these thoughts are that we are infinitely reincarnated. Someone who is your enemy today has been your caring mother, or your best friend, in infinite past lives. As a non-Buddhist, not believing in reincarnation, it's difficult at some points to accept this core foundation for love.

Another issue for a non-Buddhist is the Dalai Lama says that as a sentient being, it's right to want happiness and avoid suffering, and there is no need to justify this. I found this unsatisfying, especially as several of my friends question why happiness should be anyone's ultimate goal.

Unfortunately I also did not enjoy the translation of the book. The sentences were often short and choppy, and they didn't flow well. This appears to be as close to a 1:1 translation of the original text as Dr. Jeffrey Hopkins (the translator) could make it. I think this decision was a mistake, and should have been more interpreted instead of directly translating. There were many times where I had to struggle to understand why a sentence was where it was, or why certain analogies were put in the middle of seemingly unrelated paragraphs.

This book is not what I'm looking for at this point in my life in my search for morality and meaning.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were teachings in this book that didn’t align with my faith (ie. Reincarnation) but I still learned/reviewed some great thoughts:
-See, respect, and value ALL life regardless of faith, gender, job, etc.
-Seek out good for everyone (not only your friends/family)
-Think of humans as just that and not “enemies” or “neutrals” - Extend love to ALL
-love and respect yourself to then share that love and respect with others
-If you can do something about a problem, do it; but if you cannot, find peace in that situation and don’t worry; it will only cause you more harm
-Hate to another doesn’t cause them harm; it harms YOU.

[Olivia Wilinski · Rating 5 out of 5]

An honestly life-changing book. It really changes how you view your relationships with other people and the world you live in. He seeks to change the paradigm of how we distribute love, and how we should seek to give it to everyone equally, including our enemies. The label of friend/acquaintance/enemy is a transient state in a relationship, thus we should not be basing our treatment of others on this. We should also view enemies as a positive influence as the adversity they provide helps us grow and learn.

[Dave Manning · Rating 3 out of 5]

Too similar to "The Art of Happiness" to justify a separate read, plus very repetitive throughout (though to be fair, it's following sequential meditation practices). A fast read, albeit not one I recommend.

[Tom Formaro · Rating 5 out of 5]

Yes, I've finished reading this book, but now it falls to putting it into practice and studying it. In the midst of this dissentious and pained world, this book gives me some much-needed hope. Expanding love is an important way forward—this books shows you how to get started.

[Carolina Montero · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was hard to finish it. Maybe it wasn't my time to read it. I agree with most of the concepts that are described in the book but I certainly do not believe in reincarnation so it was weird to consider that. I will read it again later this year to see if I can get more of the book.

[Eva Steepe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book and the way it made me question some perspectives about giving. I also really appreciated the mediations included throughout, as well as the way they progressively shift the mediator’s perspective and allow for human difficulty in forgiving.

[Loretta · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was curiously light reading. A lot of emphasis on reflecting on reincarnation but overall a positive read on focusing on letting the negative flow through and the positive to radiate within.

[Lori · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very good book to help you to expand Bodhichitta to others even your enemies. A must have if your on the Bodhisattva path!

[Tashi Lhamo · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to expand your sense of loving attitude to all beings with steps wise strategies along with booster technique.

[Tara · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good starting book who want to practice meditation for compassion 🙏

[Bibiana Giraldo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super recomendado me encantó .....lo único real y verdadero que es totalmente transformador ....es el amor .....desde la compasión !!!! Lo ame 😍

[Rodrigo Del Bosque · Rating 4 out of 5]

Una guía espiritual para fomentar el amor y la compasión