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How Do You Want Me?
The autumn 2002 publication of Ruby Wax's memoirs was greeted with shock - and delighted acclaim. In the tradition of the best memoirs, such as The Moon's a Balloon and Billy, Ruby Wax revealed, surprised and captured the public more than was ever predicted.
How Do You Want Me? was critically acclaimed as brutally honest, vivid and gripping. Ruby Wax's unflinching revelation of a childhood poisoned, and a youth spoiled, culminates in a moving account of her breakdown and recovery. But How Do You Want Me? is also funny, rude and irreverent. It's unusually honest about fame and celebrity and happy to burst ego-balloons and golden myths.
A brilliantly fast, furious and surprising read from the inimitable Ruby Wax.
How Do You Want Me? was critically acclaimed as brutally honest, vivid and gripping. Ruby Wax's unflinching revelation of a childhood poisoned, and a youth spoiled, culminates in a moving account of her breakdown and recovery. But How Do You Want Me? is also funny, rude and irreverent. It's unusually honest about fame and celebrity and happy to burst ego-balloons and golden myths.
A brilliantly fast, furious and surprising read from the inimitable Ruby Wax.
241 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2002
52 people are currently reading
405 people want to read
About the author
Ruby Wax
34 books306 followersRuby Wax arrived in Britain in 1977 to pursue an acting career. She says "I really could never find my niche. I was a terrible actress, I couldn't sing, I couldn't do characters, I couldn't do an English accent and I lived in England, so I was narrowing it down".
She met French and Saunders at a party and worked alongside them a number of times, on television in Happy Families, at charity events such as Hysteria and notably the sitcom Girls on Top. Ruby played Shelley Dupont, a stereotypically loud American dying for a career in show-business. Not a huge hit, Girls on Top nevertheless gave the trio the chance to find their feet in comedy.
Ruby eventually got a chat show after drunkenly interviewing Michael Grade (who was head of Channel 4 at the time) in a tent at the Edinburgh festival. She subsequently made a range of programmes, many revolving around her as an interviewer. Her popularity in terms of comedy came from her interviewing technique: she was always forthright, brash and loud, conforming to the British stereotype of an American. Her physical appearance matched this image, with red hair and blood-red lipstick.
In 2002 Ruby Wax wrote her memoir, How Do You Want Me?, which became a bestseller.
Her 2010 stand-up show Losing It deals with her experience of bipolar disorder. She founded Black Dog Tribe in 2011 in response to the audience reaction from her theatre show. In September 2013, she graduated from Kellogg College at Oxford University with a master's degree in mindfulness based cognitive therapy. She had previously earned a postgraduate certificate in psychotherapy and counselling from Regents College in London.
These days she promotes understanding of the brain and campaigns for greater mental health awareness and destigmatisation.
- summarised from Dawn French Online, Wikipedia and her website
She met French and Saunders at a party and worked alongside them a number of times, on television in Happy Families, at charity events such as Hysteria and notably the sitcom Girls on Top. Ruby played Shelley Dupont, a stereotypically loud American dying for a career in show-business. Not a huge hit, Girls on Top nevertheless gave the trio the chance to find their feet in comedy.
Ruby eventually got a chat show after drunkenly interviewing Michael Grade (who was head of Channel 4 at the time) in a tent at the Edinburgh festival. She subsequently made a range of programmes, many revolving around her as an interviewer. Her popularity in terms of comedy came from her interviewing technique: she was always forthright, brash and loud, conforming to the British stereotype of an American. Her physical appearance matched this image, with red hair and blood-red lipstick.
In 2002 Ruby Wax wrote her memoir, How Do You Want Me?, which became a bestseller.
Her 2010 stand-up show Losing It deals with her experience of bipolar disorder. She founded Black Dog Tribe in 2011 in response to the audience reaction from her theatre show. In September 2013, she graduated from Kellogg College at Oxford University with a master's degree in mindfulness based cognitive therapy. She had previously earned a postgraduate certificate in psychotherapy and counselling from Regents College in London.
These days she promotes understanding of the brain and campaigns for greater mental health awareness and destigmatisation.
- summarised from Dawn French Online, Wikipedia and her website
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews
September 11, 2009
A simple memoir in which Ruby charts her childhood and complex relationship with her parents. It feels like she skips over a lot of things, some are just blanks spaces where she can't remember, at other times it feels like she is reluctant to talk about anyone other than herself, perhaps out of respect for those closest to her. Slightly incoherent at times, she goes forwards then backwards and some times I have no idea how old she is when she is writing about particular events. I would have loved to know more about her relationships, her husband in particular. I do think this is intentional though, although it often feels incredibly unsentimental to the point of unfeeling.
However, the interesting people she does write about are her crazy parents. I wondered how she survived them, they kept up a constant stream of criticism, contempt and violence towards her throughout her childhood, and it never really let up until near the end of their lives. It's like a twisted form of humour because her parent’s insults and outrageous behaviour towards her is the funny bit, although at the same time it's not funny at all, it's horrific. Her father is violent, controlling and viciously attacking toward Ruby her entire life. She is the only sibling so there is no one else to share the burden of her parents. Her mother is neurotic and unloving, she has no maternal instinct, and does nothing to protect her daughter from her father’s violence. It seems her mother is also the victim, but it is hard to feel sympathy for her as she often colludes with the assaults on Ruby. Their marriage is based on violence and hatred, Ruby becoming the vessel into which they project their endless rage.
The end of the book is really where it becomes fascinating and heartbreaking. Ruby finally breaks down and ends up in the priory, she struggles to find the Ruby who has been crushed by the harshness of her life. She is critical of fame and the reasons people find this life so attractive, including herself. Although her husband Ed remains pretty anonymous, he stands by her through all her struggles. He provides stability and balance whilst she finds herself determined to not raise her children in the same atmosphere of rage.
Rubies parents intensity does not diminish for a long time, not until they are literally disabled by old age, no longer able to fight. Amazingly she continues to put up with their demands. She ensures they are cared for properly their final days when they are both suffering from dementia. The final years, in some weird way, seem to be their best. Old age takes away the defences that kept them locked in battle for so long. She finally gets her mother on antidepressants, which transform her, she becomes a person that Ruby wishes she had known all her life. In the end her love for the parents that failed her utterly is astonishing. You can see that perhaps they loved her all along, but it was hidden beneath many layers of rubbish and hate.
However, the interesting people she does write about are her crazy parents. I wondered how she survived them, they kept up a constant stream of criticism, contempt and violence towards her throughout her childhood, and it never really let up until near the end of their lives. It's like a twisted form of humour because her parent’s insults and outrageous behaviour towards her is the funny bit, although at the same time it's not funny at all, it's horrific. Her father is violent, controlling and viciously attacking toward Ruby her entire life. She is the only sibling so there is no one else to share the burden of her parents. Her mother is neurotic and unloving, she has no maternal instinct, and does nothing to protect her daughter from her father’s violence. It seems her mother is also the victim, but it is hard to feel sympathy for her as she often colludes with the assaults on Ruby. Their marriage is based on violence and hatred, Ruby becoming the vessel into which they project their endless rage.
The end of the book is really where it becomes fascinating and heartbreaking. Ruby finally breaks down and ends up in the priory, she struggles to find the Ruby who has been crushed by the harshness of her life. She is critical of fame and the reasons people find this life so attractive, including herself. Although her husband Ed remains pretty anonymous, he stands by her through all her struggles. He provides stability and balance whilst she finds herself determined to not raise her children in the same atmosphere of rage.
Rubies parents intensity does not diminish for a long time, not until they are literally disabled by old age, no longer able to fight. Amazingly she continues to put up with their demands. She ensures they are cared for properly their final days when they are both suffering from dementia. The final years, in some weird way, seem to be their best. Old age takes away the defences that kept them locked in battle for so long. She finally gets her mother on antidepressants, which transform her, she becomes a person that Ruby wishes she had known all her life. In the end her love for the parents that failed her utterly is astonishing. You can see that perhaps they loved her all along, but it was hidden beneath many layers of rubbish and hate.
May 7, 2010
"self portrait with teeth"- priceless
April 12, 2023
Raw & honest, I have a totally new respect for her.
January 25, 2021
If you like ruby wax then this is definitely a good read into her life, really enjoyed it
August 24, 2009
I bought this book that was going for a song at my local charity shop and read it here and there over two days. I can normally take and leave Ruby Wax but, on the whole, I admire her for (what I imaged was) her positive, upbeat and seemingly non-stop frivolity fizzing somewhere within her quick-witted brain. Madame Wax within the pages of this book is something else totally. Self-depricating, nervous and at times frightened - I have learned through my reading that the woman in question is a much more fragile and vulnerable animal thus totally in contast to her 'wired at all times' image. Wax narrates the book with an educated aplomb and intelligence and gives us a no-holds barred account of her varied life from the context of her parental background to her stints of mental illness. She emerges as an actually unaggressive woman with a heightened sense of reality and a comfortable self awareness. From reading the book I feel I now know more about this actress / performer / writer and I have grown in respect for her due to her honesty and ability to delve into issues that many other celebrities/plebs mask and hide from. An enlightening, easy read and also a pleasure.
October 12, 2018
There arę some great passages in this book - funny and perceptive- that I’ve just gone back and read again for the fun of it.
E.g Ruby on the complacency of the privileged English, it’s a long one..
“The English never think they’re going to get screwed like the Jews do, everything seems so lovely and homey, sitting all comfy, in their woolly pully’s, having a nice cup of tea with a bickie or a drinkie at elevenses. Some if them not making a penny but they’re not panicking because they’re going to a ‘lovely party’ in a ‘perfectly lovely frock’ and Bedullia is soo funny and ‘ Hugo is absolutely maaarvellous’. He’s not working but drives a Jag and drinks ‘masses of champagne’, ‘lovely, bubbly wubbly champers.’ There’s such a strength in being English, they’re so trusting and hopeful and believe it will all come out in the wash.
Meanwhile back at the pogrom, the Jews are panicking, they don’t have time for tea and drinkies because they’re always hunting for who’s fucking with them, jousting stick erect. When I asked my shrink about this she said because the English have never been persecuted, they never think someone is coming up behind them to rip them off. In some Dickensian part of their brain they’re thinking even if things get bad for Oliver, some kind soul at Christmastide will take him up their hearth and give him a nice cup of cocoa and a steaming bowl of spam and chips.
The Jews know if they knock on a door, chances are big they won’t get in; they have knocked on the door of whole countries and not been let in. ‘Hello Switzerland, can I come in I’m about to be fried?’
‘Sorry no room at the inn’
E.g Ruby on the complacency of the privileged English, it’s a long one..
“The English never think they’re going to get screwed like the Jews do, everything seems so lovely and homey, sitting all comfy, in their woolly pully’s, having a nice cup of tea with a bickie or a drinkie at elevenses. Some if them not making a penny but they’re not panicking because they’re going to a ‘lovely party’ in a ‘perfectly lovely frock’ and Bedullia is soo funny and ‘ Hugo is absolutely maaarvellous’. He’s not working but drives a Jag and drinks ‘masses of champagne’, ‘lovely, bubbly wubbly champers.’ There’s such a strength in being English, they’re so trusting and hopeful and believe it will all come out in the wash.
Meanwhile back at the pogrom, the Jews are panicking, they don’t have time for tea and drinkies because they’re always hunting for who’s fucking with them, jousting stick erect. When I asked my shrink about this she said because the English have never been persecuted, they never think someone is coming up behind them to rip them off. In some Dickensian part of their brain they’re thinking even if things get bad for Oliver, some kind soul at Christmastide will take him up their hearth and give him a nice cup of cocoa and a steaming bowl of spam and chips.
The Jews know if they knock on a door, chances are big they won’t get in; they have knocked on the door of whole countries and not been let in. ‘Hello Switzerland, can I come in I’m about to be fried?’
‘Sorry no room at the inn’
August 20, 2017
“At the end of the first month we looked forward with excitement to parents’ weekend; the problem was all the parents looked the same, it could take the whole weekend to figure out which ones were yours. From out of identical Cadillacs, identical Jewish mothers emerged-so over-tanned they could pass as handbags, crocodile smiles with neon pink lips, usually bleeding onto the teeth. They looked like very old, exhausted elephants in stretch pants, some faces were lifted so high it was like trying to hold up soup with scaffolding.”
This is a smart and funny memoir, but it’s also filled with plenty of darkness too. Her upbringing reads like something between “A Child Called It” and “Running With Scissors” as she had to battle with the two fighting people, ie her parents who were supposed to be the ones loving and supporting her. There were two or three times when I found myself laughing out loud during this and it was quite interesting to see how she came through various theatres in Glasgow and England and got into writing, acting and presenting. This is maybe a little fragmented in places, but Wax is a likeable narrator and her warmth, spikiness and honesty comes through, making this is an enjoyable enough read.
Read
February 18, 2021Wax writes a light read despite grim events it deals with.
Ultimately poignant account of getting through when the carers she had were very damaged people.
Talking about her working life, spent from the beginning in the UK, a lot of names in British acting and comedy come up.
I found her retelling very funny in places, off the top of my head her getting fitted for horseshoes, the moment she knew she wanted to be an actress, amongst others.
A celebrity questioning the dominating narrative of parents as unimpeachable benevolence and unquestionable authority. It helps dismantle this overriding, often inaccurate and harmful assumption which is the received wisdom in society.
Ultimately poignant account of getting through when the carers she had were very damaged people.
Talking about her working life, spent from the beginning in the UK, a lot of names in British acting and comedy come up.
I found her retelling very funny in places, off the top of my head her getting fitted for horseshoes, the moment she knew she wanted to be an actress, amongst others.
A celebrity questioning the dominating narrative of parents as unimpeachable benevolence and unquestionable authority. It helps dismantle this overriding, often inaccurate and harmful assumption which is the received wisdom in society.
October 22, 2021
I’m not entirely sure what prompted me to pick this up; I like Ruby Wax, though as more of a passing interest, especially as I haven’t seen her on TV much in probably the last 15 years. Despite that, I think this is a good memoir. It really gives you an insight into her life and what she’s been through, how she thinks and how to know her better. Sometimes memoirs are so bland you could really glean the same amount of information from their Wikipedia page, but this was funny, introspective and quite interesting. Her parents could have an entire book to themselves!
May 22, 2018
I could’nt put this down. She writes so well of her distressing home life with her Father who bullied her and her Mother who was quite crazy.It must have been so difficult growing up but Ruby rose above all her problems and has led a very successful life.
She has 3 children and a husband. Her best friend was Alan Rickman - how good would that be?
I loved this book. Ruby is such a wonderful person despite all the angst she suffered.
She has 3 children and a husband. Her best friend was Alan Rickman - how good would that be?
I loved this book. Ruby is such a wonderful person despite all the angst she suffered.
August 11, 2020
I really didn't like this book for the first 8 chapters, I'd have given up on it but I didn't have anything else to read. I bought it because I'd read high praise for Ruby's mental health books and thought that it was important to read her story before reading those.
However the last 2 chapters were excellent and showed a different side to her and showed an interesting look in to mental health treatment. If I could rate the final 2 chapters separately then the rating would be higher.
However the last 2 chapters were excellent and showed a different side to her and showed an interesting look in to mental health treatment. If I could rate the final 2 chapters separately then the rating would be higher.
November 23, 2025
I’m always intrigued by autobiographies. Ms Wax’s somewhat abrasive stage persona comes through loud and clear and if you like that you might like this. I didn’t. I found myself only getting to know her in the closing couple of chapters. That’s where the mask slipped and she became human. That last bit may entice me to read another of her volumes.
May 3, 2020
A bit glib, but that was how she wanted it to come over as, until the last chapter anyway.
I totally agreed with her view on childbirth and pain relief, having had 3 children myself. I did like the root canal filling analogy.
I totally agreed with her view on childbirth and pain relief, having had 3 children myself. I did like the root canal filling analogy.
April 6, 2022
Some very engaging parts, particularly the sections about her parents, but other parts of the book seemed very rushed and poorly edited. Also, one really transphobic anecdote and a lot of talk about "fags" :/
September 16, 2024
Mixed feelings! I read another review of this that described it as 'glib', and I think that's perfect. In some places, humour and hyperbole are used to a diminishing effect. I felt the final two chapters were most sincere and were a nice insight into what her mental health books would be like.
March 4, 2018
Pleasant and witty.
March 5, 2018
Yep. Interesting. It explains a lot.
September 12, 2018
I looked forward to reading this book as I am a great fan of Ruby Wax, but it was so disappointing. Shallow and didn't really say what it says on the cover!
October 10, 2018
Thus book made me appreciate just how amazing this woman is
August 28, 2019
Compelling and laugh-out-loud. Some of the things she wrote about race were a little too acerbic and read as racist though.
November 7, 2020
Fascinating!
July 22, 2021
Was expecting Ruby's book to be funny but turned out to be really emotional and very sad.
Read
August 16, 2022Dnf 24 pages in and I already know this isn’t for me
November 24, 2022
Much of Ruby's story is difficult. I thought I wouldn't be able to finish it. Then, it became a page turner. Thank goodness for her curious mind!!
May 13, 2023
Great read
Thank you Ruby. Loved this book about your life.
I shall be looking out for more of your books.
Highly recommended.
Thank you Ruby. Loved this book about your life.
I shall be looking out for more of your books.
Highly recommended.
June 20, 2023
What a horrendous childhood, Ruby is a testament to her strength to have survived it.
July 4, 2023
Raw Ruby.
April 21, 2025
Quite a hard read... What she went through and survived was spectacular!! Fantastic Luke all pr her other books with th right balance of humour and emotion
May 8, 2024
Wow, what a read! A strong independent woman who had to overcome some upsetting times but came out the other end stronger and louder. This was a very detailed book that went deep and sometimes heartbreaking to read. The journey to comedy was interesting and the struggles to get into drama schools. The sketches and improv seemed to help and definitely helped her career. Lots of good friends that seemed to do Ruby good and lasted the years.
July 2, 2015
I wish I could rate this book more highly than the two stars I've given it as I respect Ruby Wax, particularly since reading her latest book 'sane new world'. I thought it would be interesting to read about her life and early stages of her career that has perhaps got her to where she is now. Unfortunately I found the first three quarters of the book hard to get through and even considered giving up. Perhaps it was her earlier interpretations/thoughts and the brash nature by which she writes and reflects. I wonder maybe it was her humour that I wasn't quite getting.
Nevertheless i wanted to see it to the end and I am glad I did. The last two chapters are what made it worth it - where the writing perhaps becomes more sincere and candid and there is more of a glimpse of the ruby in the new book, with a humour/wit that makes it a good read. I don't want to compare the two as they are different books altogether so instead see it as a reflection on the journey of her life as it happened to be. The end of the book is a good opener to her exploration in to mindfulness and meditation. I feel I have more understanding now of where she has come from. If only I found it more interesting at the beginning but I see this more likely because of a personality clash and lack of understanding from myself rather than a reflection of her writing skills or detailing of her past.
Nevertheless i wanted to see it to the end and I am glad I did. The last two chapters are what made it worth it - where the writing perhaps becomes more sincere and candid and there is more of a glimpse of the ruby in the new book, with a humour/wit that makes it a good read. I don't want to compare the two as they are different books altogether so instead see it as a reflection on the journey of her life as it happened to be. The end of the book is a good opener to her exploration in to mindfulness and meditation. I feel I have more understanding now of where she has come from. If only I found it more interesting at the beginning but I see this more likely because of a personality clash and lack of understanding from myself rather than a reflection of her writing skills or detailing of her past.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 56 reviews