Mothering Without a Map: The Search for the Good Mother Within

by Kathryn Black

Every woman’s most powerful maternal role model is her own mother. But what about women who grew up feeling “undermothered”—whose mothers were absent, distracted, emotionally distant, depressed, or fell short in some vital way? How are they to become the good mothers they aspire to be?

Kathryn Black, whose own mother’s early death inspired her award-winning book, In the Shadow of Polio, probed for answers from experts in psychiatry and psychoanalysis, developmental psychology and social work, biology and anthropology. Black asks: Why are some people able to transcend troubled childhoods and lead satisfying lives and others are not? Through the voices of ordinary women across the country, in all stages and ages of mothering, she learns that there are ways to become a good mother without having had one of one’s own. A beautifully articulate blend of memoir, research, and moving interviews with mothers and daughters, Mothering Without a Map is a powerful and self-affirming book that shows how “wounded daughters” can indeed become “healing mothers.”

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Psychology, Memoir

288 pages, Hardcover

First published January 26, 2004

Reviews

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mother. Sigh. She meant well. But on her path of good intentions I was trampled. She just wanted to be free. And so I was abandoned and left in harm's way.

My mother/daughter story fills me with even more anguish as I continue my own journey as a mother to my now 4 year old boy.

And worry. Can I provide a nourishing loving environment for my son that is wholly different than what I received?

This book is filled with tales of triumph and a most emphatic YES! You can rise above the limitations of your past.

It felt so good to read this book and realize that we are not destined to repeat anything we don't want to and, in fact, we understand better what not to do.

I recommend this book as a step toward realizing the potential everyone has to be a good parent and then moving forward in healing to make it happen.

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

Review, Part 1

I wavered between three and four stars on this one. The topic was compelling; the book somewhat less so. I found it kind of slow and verbose, although it certainly was interesting and gave me a lot of food for thought (as you will see if you have the patience to read another long, rambling review). I got a little annoyed when she kept emphasizing how a mother can provide a clean home, home-cooked meals, adequate clothing, structure and supervision, etc. for her kid and that child can still grow up feeling shortchanged emotionally -- it almost felt as if she was minimizing the amount of effort and yes, LOVE, that goes into doing those things. I'm not trying to invalidate the pain of a child who grows up with these things and feels unloved, but as someone who works hard to provide those things for her children (and I'm fortunate to be a stay-at-home mom; working mothers have to work much harder than I do to provide these things), I can tell you firsthand that it's a very demanding job and one that I could only do, or certainly only do well and consistently, for people to whom I really felt commitment and love. Providing these things generously and graciously is definitely a statement of love, even if children don't appreciate that until they grow older. Of course, emotional needs should be tended to as well; however, I wonder if perhaps our generation expects too much in that sense? I remember reading P.D. James's memoir where she wrote about how, when she was younger (she wrote the memoir several years ago when she was in her late 70s), there were a lot fewer divorces. She acknowledged that this probably means there were more unhappy marriages, but as she says, in those days "we did not view happiness as an entitlement." She commented that today's generation appears to feel more entitled to happiness and anxious to pursue it as a goal, but is not necessarily happier for it. Anyway, getting back to the book at hand, I often wonder how much of my generation's general dissatisfaction with their upbringing and efforts to improve on it stems from increased psychological awareness and is based in reality, versus how much of it reflects a perceived "entitlement to happiness" as P.D. James would have it, and a lack of appreciation of the things we did have and the efforts that went into providing them. The book doesn't raise this question, much less attempt to answer it, but I did wonder how much of these "undermothered" women's deprivation was in their minds, and a sign of the times, as opposed to actual emotional deprivation.

[They told me my review was too long, so I'm going to attempt to paste it in two parts; let's see if I succeed. Part 2, hopefully, will follow...]

[Danica Henry]

So thankful I found this book. It was the right book at the right time. I really needed it.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

anyone who struggles with issues they have with their own mother REALLY needs to read this book!!! It really opened my eyes to the issues I brought with my from childhood and made me aware of how children are affected by our mothering choices.

[MB Shakespeare · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fave quotes: "Often the most difficult aspect of seeing our mothers clearly is recognizing the resemblances to ourselves. For those of use with wounds from the past, our children make it imperative that we heal, that we let whatever craziness and difficulties our parents showered on us end with us."
"…healing for me is not getting over having lost my mother, but abandoning the effort to fill the hole she left… Children who know their parents as decent beings can feel secure and valued themselves."

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Really affirmed a lot of what I am trying to do with my own family, and helped me make sense of a lot of the confusing emotions becoming a mom has brought about. It is a nice, gentle introduction to the "breaking intergenerational cycles" concept that is so popular in parenting literature today. The overall message was positive. I would recommend this book to any mom trying to parent intentionally, regardless of your relationship with your family of origin.

[Juana · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was a great book for anyone who is a mother.

it explores the way in which we are influenced and affected by poor or absentee mothers and how we can begin to overcome the negative models we had if we were "under-mothered".

I found it particularly helpful in beginning to understand what was wrong with my own mom as far as her being a mother is concerned.

[Morgan Towslee · Rating 5 out of 5]

As someone who is a new mom and grew up without a mom myself, this book tells a lot of good stories from other mom’s who’ve been through similar ways of being raised (a mom not physically there or a cold mom, etc) and how they were still able to be good mothers themselves and how extra important that bond felt to them. Loved it!

[Tricia · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wasn't spectacular and felt slightly obsessive at times. But it was interesting to read the vignettes about other womens' experiences and gain insight through their stories.
Favorite quotes I'd like to remember:

"Mothers find children both the draining and the source of plenty to do. Being a mother lens a richness and the sense of power to a woman's life, but equally she feels that word and depleted by the all encompassing demands of motherhood." -Rozsika Parker

"Man and woman power devoted to the production of material goods counts as a plus in our economic indices. Man and woman power devoted to the production of happy, healthy, and self-reliant children in their own homes does not count at all. We have created a topsy Turvey world." -John Bowlby

"Crittenden estimates that the lifetime income gap between a college educated American mother and a childless woman is more than $1 million. Housework maybe unskilled labor, but mothering is not, and yet it, too, holds little social and no economic value. Although it requires more patience, inner strength, intelligence, skill, wisdom and love than workforce jobs."

"When a mother knows what she values and what she wants to teach her children, she helps them form their own strong ethical core. Parents need to take a moral position, to stand for something in the lives of their children. Otherwise, he says, the voice of "moral relativism", the attitude of "the second family", which is "the kiddiei culture of peers and media" come to overpower the influence of a child's parents and siblings. That "second family culture" teaches children to expect instant gratification, to find fulfillment in material possessions, to feel entitled rather than grateful, to expect more and to lose touch with the concept of 'enough'." -Ron Taffel

"It's become clearer and clearer to me that it's families just let the culture happened to them, they end up fat, addicted, broke, with a house full of junk and no time." -Mary Pipher

"Your life is shaped by the end you live for. You are made in the image of what you desire." -Thomas Merton

[Whole And · Rating 5 out of 5]

I thoroughly enjoyed this book having gone back and reread it several times.
I cried, laughed and found the path to healing through Kathryn Black's work, particularly
as a first time parent.

Whether you had the mother you wanted or not, the possibility for putting some things to rest and creating
a vision of the kind of parent you'd like to be is available here by
hearing so many stories of parenting. I bought this book for a friend
when she was pregnant with her first and she kindly added it to my
pile of great books to read when I was pregnant with my first. I was
very grateful to revisit this master piece to define and refine the kind
of mother I'd like to be.

I highly recommend this book as a gift and as a keeper.

[Eva Rooks · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is not written by a therapist, but poignantly captures the struggles of being a mother when you haven't had one (either because of death, disease, or other factors). Kathryn has interviewed numerous women who have had to learn to be a mother and how they have done it. While this isn't a scholarly work, it does provide an easy-to-read way to begin understanding the long-term effects and recovery of poor (or non-existent) parenting.

[Jenne · Rating 4 out of 5]

The final chapter is the best essay on the intracies of mothering that I have ever read. I recommend the book for that chapter alone. the research summarized in the previous chapters is put into easy to understand terms and is the central strength of the book. at times, the authors conclusions are weak or off topic, but it is made up for by the verbosity that means she will eventually hit upon a sound and meaningful conclusion. I will recommend this book to new parents and feel the attachment research introduced to me by this book will be professionally important to me for years to come.

[Tammy King Carlton · Rating 5 out of 5]

For every woman who has ever become a mother, and tried to forge her own way, when she did not have the example of a mother before her. My own beautiful mother was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when I was very young, and I did not have the luxury of a "mother figure" to set the example for me of how to mother my own children. My husband bought me this book when I had my first daughter, and struggled to find my niche.

[Felicia · Rating 5 out of 5]

I liked this book so much I purchased a copy to have on hand to always refer to. Highly recommended!

[Becky · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great research. Great information.