Чувство любви: новый научный подход к романтическим отношениям

by Sue Johnson, Сью Джонсон

Нам не выжить без любви. Она делает жизнь ярче, интереснее, безопаснее. Но, нуждаясь в эмоциональной связи и поддержке, мы совершенно не представляем, как построить любовь и сохранить ее.

Новая книга Сью Джонсон, основателя эмоционально-фокусированной терапии и автора бестселлера «Обними меня крепче», посвящена причинам разлада в отношениях и восстановлению эмоциональной близости. Джонсон объясняет, как формируется чувство любви, что секс — не главное, и почему, когда нас отвергают, мозг считает, что мы в опасности.

Автор уверена, что даже самые несчастные пары могут вернуть в свою жизнь близость, если научатся немного иначе смотреть на эмоции. Вы сможете восстановить и построить отношения, которые будут приносить удовлетворение и не исчерпают себя.

Основано на научных исследованиях и личных историях клиентов Сью Джонсон.

Genres: Relationships, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Marriage, Love, Science

416 pages, Hardcover

First published January 1, 2013

About the author

Dr. Sue Johnson is a leading innovator in the fields of couple therapy and adult attachment; she is the primary developer of Emotionally Focused Couple and Family Therapy (EFT). Sue’s received numerous awards acknowledging her development of EFT, including the American Psychological Association’s “Family Psychologist of the Year'' and the Order of Canada, both in 2016.

Her best-selling book Hold Me Tight (2008) - with 1 million copies sold as of 2021 - has taught countless couples how to enhance and repair their relationships and has since been developed into a relationship enhancement program called Hold Me Tight Online.

As the founding director of the International Centre for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (ICEEFT), Sue trains counselors in EFT worldwide and provides guidance to 80 affiliated centers. You can find out more about Sue and her work at drsuejohnson.com.

Reviews

[Brennan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. In therapy circles, Sue Johnson is the number one authority on improving couple relationships by strengthening attachment bonds. I use her text on Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy (EFT) for my graduate students, but this book is more accessible and is written for a general audience.

The book is well written. It is grounded in scientific research, advances in neuroscience, and years of significant clinical experience. She provides clear explanations that help demystify love, and she provides a clear road map for how couples can make sense of what previously seemed impossible to understand - namely how couple conflict and erosion often stems from a lack of safe and secure emotional bonds, and how learning to express one's attachment needs to a responsive partner can build emotional bonds that last a lifetime. As a couple therapist, I can attest to the truth of what she says here. True change in couple relationships comes when couples learn to trust each other and rely on each other to meet their deepest and most vulnerable emotional needs. This is clearly a tall order, and likely only about 25%-30% of couples ever get here, but if they do, the rewards can be immense.

I normally give a book like this 4 starts. But I gave this one 5 stars for a few reasons. First, it was almost unbelievable to hear her take a stand on the negative impact of pornography on a couple's emotional bond. You just don't hear this from psychologists - it is quite the contrary. Hearing her articulate the dangers of this for a couple's attachment bonds was refreshing and rings true. I also loved how she takes a stand against plastic surgery and Botox injections - for the main reason that removing the wrinkles and lines from one's face, removes the traces of years of emotion and life experiences that defines who we are. Aging with dignity is such a foreign concept in our society and so rarely discussed, it was again refreshing to hear this view expressed. Finally, I appreciated her ability to synthesize the attachment literature and bring the early attachment researchers work to life. It is not quite at the level of Susan Cain in Quiet, but she does so in a clear enough way to make it meaningful and insightful.

If you are interested in how to build secure emotional bonds in a couple relationship, this is a great book to read. I would recommend it to anyone wanting to learn more about this topic.

[Don · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love love, LOVE this book. I'm no expert on love -- no really -- but this book makes so much sense to me. Johnson's therapy is based on attachment theory, which essentially holds that we need one another, that no matter our age, we require secure emotional attachments to flourish. Strengthening the emotional attachment between lovers, Johnson argues, is the key to great romance (not to mention great sex). Her writing style is graceful, clear, free of academic jargon, and her case studies are interesting and (unlike many other books in this genre) not overly long. If you want a pure self-help book, I'd recommend Hold Me Tight, as Love Sense contains the steps needed to create strong emotional attachments but also some discussion of different research studies supporting her claims. Again, I'm no expert, but I anticipate that this book is going to add significant value to my life.

[Dawn Ellis · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was fluffier than I was expecting when I decided to read it. Although the author does include case stories of couples in crisis, and close to divorce, the difficulties faced by these couples seem to not be very emotionally complex and Dr. Johnson's exercises designed to help fix the problems strike me as a bit simplistic. The author does not really discuss more challenging issues in relationships such as substance abuse, intimate partner abuse, personality disorders, etc, and how these factors influence/contribute to attachment styles and the interplay between the styles of 2 partners. Overall I didn't find the book to be very useful or enlightening, and it read to me like an overly long magazine article.

[Demetria · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book, but Dr. Johnson totally lost me with her sex talk. This is grandma teaches bad monogomy, where one or both partners is unhappy, but lying about it and feeling guilty because their unhappiness is a result of "insecure attachment". Understanding attachment and your attachment style is important, and I gave this book 2 stars because she does a great job of discussing the history of attachment theory and the ideas of EFT, but overall the book sucks for everything else. Dr. Johnson also seems to be attempting to describe the joy and connection that comes from being in a relationship for more than a few years, but she misses on that count also...good try and she gets close, but she is focused on monogamy and so misses the point. If you are looking for information on that topic try a different book, the bias in this one makes me nauseous.

[Lisa Butterworth · Rating 2 out of 5]

on the whole, I feel like attachment theory can be really useful and interesting. though this book was meh for me. the sex chapter was ugh and blerg. and the sciency talk was super dicey at times. "voles secrete oxytocin followed by sciency-sounding conclusion generalized to humans and stated very conclusively" and I'm all whoa Sue, slow down, that's not very sciency.

[Anastasiia Mozghova · Rating 5 out of 5]

мы привыкли думать, что любовь либо есть, либо её нет. и что если всё не так как было раньше, ничего уже не поделаешь. да и зачем пытаться? если бы это была "настоящая" любовь, таких перемен не произошло бы. эта книга, основанная на тридцатилетнем профессиональном опыте Джонсон и многочисленных исследованиях ученых со всего мира, доказывает обратное.

несмотря на то, что книга написана с фокусом на романтические отношения, лично я пока читала её, думала не только о них, но вообще про все отношения в моей жизни. с мамой и родственниками, друзьями и знакомыми.

еще одна книга, которая, как мне кажется, будет полезна вообще всем.

[Elena Druță · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nu sunt eu mare cititoare de cărți motivaționale sau non fiction în general, dar volumul acesta mi-a oferit perspectiva unui psiholog despre conceptul de iubire, atât romantică, parentală sau iubirea față de aproape, accentul punându-se pe ideea de terapie atunci când un cuplu simte că doar sentimentul nu îi poate ține împreună pe termen lung.
Recenzia mea o găsiți pe blog.

[Erin Henry · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone go read this book right now! This book discusses how love provides us a secure attachment which is necessary to survival. The author has a lot of research to back up her findings. What I found most amazing was how strong marriages and child-parent relationships can improve the world. I love discovering how science consistently backs up what God has taught and is teaching us. (Ps. It isn't a religious book)

[Zarathustra Goertzel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really good book on the importance of secure bonds in romantic relationships.

In Part One, Sue covers the history of Attachment Theory and why Love should be made sense of in this context.

The typical dimensions of maladaptive attachment strategies are covered: Anxious and Avoidant. Secure strategies are those that are close-to-the-origin in both dimensions.

The high-level idea is that humans have a psychological need for a safe home-base, i.e., parents, friends, or lovers. Humans like to explore the world knowing they can return to this home-base for security as needed.

This bond serves as a precious core of the romantic relationship.


In Part Two, Sue covers the relationships among Love, Emotions, Brain, and Body. The secure bond serves as a safe space for diving deep into our emotions together, our thinking changes with 'love hormones, we empathically tune into each other, and sex follows connection: we can more fully enjoy physical union as we feel safe and open together 😼 (rather than avoiding intimacy or anxiously trying to please the partner in fear of losing them). 😼


In Part Three, Sue examines how the bond can burn through the ages from the Formal stage of the relationship when it becomes 'official', through the Child-rearing stage of the relationship, and finally to the Mature stage of the relationship after retirement and/or children leave the nest.

Sue likes to view romantic relationships as dances where partners are always trying out new moves, deepening their appreciation for regular moves, and falling in love anew. And, of course, they step on each other's feet and hurt each other now and then as well.

The basic idea is that (re-)establishing the core secure bond is the most important aspect of dealing with relationship trouble. Humans fear they'll be abandoned or hurt and thus clam up, attack each othre, and get diverted down various negative-sum rabbit holes. When humans learn to feel safe together, they can openly discuss their emotions and needs, which results in positive-sum cooperative dances.


In Part Four, Sue has a sweet love story and discusses why the world will be a better place when people learn to maintain secure loving bonds in their lives. Moreover, she emphasises the importance of educating children in empathy early on.

Generally, she takes a strong stance in favor of long-term relationships as 'how humans thrive best'.

A good summarizing quote, borrowed from Jasmine St. John:

"We naturally favor empathy unless we are consumed by fear or rage. I have seen this with every couple I have worked with in the past thirty years. Once partners are able to let go of their desperate self-protection and engage emotionally, they respond to their mate’s expressions of pain and vulnerability with compassion. This response continually confirms my belief in the basic goodness and generosity of human nature."

[Rebecca · Rating 3 out of 5]

While I am a big proponent of EFT generally, and use it my practice quite a lot, I found this book largely redundant to her earlier book, Hold Me Tight. I did enjoy the research on attachment outlined in the book, but found the lengthy dialogues transcribed in the book contrived and, to be honest, boring. This does not diminish my respect for EFT as a method of bringing couples together emotionally; I just didn't love the book.

[Giuseppe · Rating 2 out of 5]

Interesting book on attachment theory and its practical implication. Well written and easy to read, with many clarification stories and scientific reference.

I give only 2 stars because the author, abuses her status and takes an unscientific approach towards polyamory. For her, love is synonymous of monogamy and polyamory is simply having sex with multiple partners. She doesn't, as she can't, back up these statements with scientific study reports. Personally I believe that love doesn't need to be exclusive for everyone, and people that love more than one partner can benefit of attachment theory and its application. I would be curious to learn what experience and experiments teach us about love and polyamory, and the author could use the same curiosity to either strengthen or dismiss her views on the topic.

[Jasmine St. John · Rating 3 out of 5]

"We naturally favor empathy unless we are consumed by fear or rage. I have seen this with every couple I have worked with in the past thirty years. Once partners are able to let go of their desperate self-protection and engage emotionally, they respond to their mate’s expressions of pain and vulnerability with compassion. This response continually confirms my belief in the basic
goodness and generosity of human nature."

[D · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is dedicated to my children, in the hope
that their love relationships will be richer, deeper,
and more fulfilling.

Also, this book is dedicated to those I love -- those who
continually offer me a safe haven and a secure base from which
to joyfully leap into the unknown. You know who you are.

Provocative finding:

The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression.
It is to seek contact and comforting connection.

The core of happy relationships is a deep trust that partners matter to each other and will reliably respond when needed. Secure love is an open channel for reciprocal emotional signaling. Love is a constant process of tuning in, connecting, missing and misreading cues, disconnecting, repairing and finding deeper connection. It is a dance of meeting and parting and finding each other again, minute by minute, and day by day.

Attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, secure.
Secure: Generally competent & worthy of love themselves; others are trustworthy and reliable
Avoidant: worthy of love themselves, but view others are inherently unreliable and untrustworthy
Anxious: Strong doubt as to their own value, acceptability; obsessively seek approval and reassurance that they are lovable and not about to be rejected; idealize others.

Separation distress:
1) Anger and protest - Attack often for self-protection; anguish
2) Clinging and seeking - Deep misery; repeated requests
3) Depression and despair - rage, sense of helplessness; let go of the longing, and move into grieving
4) Detachment - accepts that the relationship is not going to fulfill her longings; stop investing in it; let it die.


Experiment 1
When you were growing up, who did you go to for comfort?
Do you have this kind of a relationship now, as an adult?

Experiment 2
When do you feel precious and loved?
What makes your partner feel precious and loved?

Experiment 3
When facing a recurring event that makes you anxious, which loved one comes to mind?
Can you see this person, hear her/his voice, remembering some soothing words?
Can you use this memory to calm yourself and regain your emotional equilibrium?


I can see him, his smiles tells me how much he believes in me. It's okay; I can tolerate this.

Learning to love and be loved is about learning to tune into our emotions so that we know what we need from a partner, and express those desires openly, in a way that evokes sympathy and support from him or her.

In these moments, we are 'effectively dependent' - we can call to others and respond to their call in a way that makes us and our connection with them stronger. Nothing makes us stronger and happier than loving, stable long-term bonds with others.

Devoted, early nurturing grows brains that are better able to regulate stress, connect with others, collaborate, and dance. The greatest gift a parents has to give a child -- and a lover to give a lover -- is emotionally attune attention and timely responsiveness.

Voice and touch can soothe... and just calling up the memory of singing and touching can sooth.

Secure lovers can be playful and adventurous throughout the relationship. Sexual satisfaction and excitement for both women and men increases with emotional commitment and sexual exclusivity.

Unraveling
1. Disconnection and deprivation
2. Recurring separation distress
3. Frantic demand-and-withdrawal
4. Freeze in despair

Erosion, escalation and emptiness

The past is never dead. It's not even past. - William Faulkner

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Are you there for me?
A secure bond has three basic elements:
1. Accessibility - You give me your attention and are emotionally open to what I am saying
2. Responsiveness - You accept my needs and fears and offer comfort and caring
3. Engagement - You are emotionally present, absorbed and involved with me

- Tune in and stay with softer emotions - hold on to the hope of potential connection
- Regulate emotions and look at the other person with openness and curiosity; show willingness to listen; don't stay numb or shut down
- Turn emotions into clear, specific signals. Communicate feared danger, and longed-for safety.

The danger is they will get stuck in the content issue and miss the attachment cues.
They will assume the fight is about the rain, and forget about the lack of connection and what kind of bond they are going to have.

The quality of our relationships with others is the bedrock on which we build our existence.

The ways we tune in to and engage with others sculpt the very society we live in.

Secure connection with loved ones help us to be open, responsive, and flexible, and that, in turn, inclines us to perceive the world as kinder, safer and more malleable. It allows us to take a more active role in the universe. Positive relationships make us more apt to be community builders - creative works, leaders and caring citizens. A civil society depends on connection with and trust in others. Primatologist Frans de Waal calls it the 'invisible hand' that reaches out to others.

We are united by natures; we are all imbued with the same existential fears and needs. Empathy is our birthright.

We naturally favor empathy unless we are consumed by fear or rage.


When as a society we fail to grasp, honor and nurture our need for emotional connection, we pay a huge price. We lapse into depression and anxiety.

Without time and attention, all relationships evaporate.

Sacred (Latin - to sanctify) 'worthy of devotion'; to make holy

Feelings of isolation and rejection are signals to move us to repair our social ties. We need to heed them and refashion our individual and collective priorities.

Begin by looking at the implications of business policies on families, especially at times of stress and transition. Relationship breakdown often begins with the birth of a child. Norway, Sweden and Denmark lead in 'bonding matters' policies. They offer 12-16 mos full paid leave to mothers and fathers, who can decide how to share that time between them. Canada offers almost a year off, but with much less remuneration. The USA has no national law mandating paid time off for new parents, although California has begun to offer short leaves.

It promotes marriage stability, gives child caregivers some respite, fosters bonding and promotes infant health, getting baby off to a healthy emotional and physical start.

Know your neighbors. If I need anything, there are people I can call on.

The one thing that robots cannot do is feel emotion; they offer a counterfeit performance that imitates connection. If offers immediate comfort, but further distorts our ability to really connect with another person.

Real connection with others is being crowded out by virtual kinship.

Empathy can be 'caught, not taught.'

If dependency/vulnerability is recognized and handled well in loving relationships, it is the source of the best human qualities: empathy, kindness and cooperation.

Civilization (Latin 'citizens') signifies an advanced state of human social development and organization. Do we judge it by the quality of our relationships? Civilization works most effectively when we take our social capital seriously and cultivate it.

Secure relationships and more compassionate partners make for more secure and caring citizens, who are more tolerant of those who are not like them.

Liberté, égalité, fraternité - French national motto
The USA forgot the fraternity, the last pillar of democracy. The human bonding that recognizes the need for feeling and cooperation between neighbors. It places our emotional and physical interdependence and the need for safe, trusting, caring relationships at the very core of human nature and of a truly human society. This is a blueprint for the reform and optimal development of human society.

Start by raising awareness of the perils of loneliness and validate our need for belonging and support.

Connection Campaign
"Take someone you know (or don't know) for a latte today. It's good for your health."


Family dysfunction results in disconnection from others. Fragile, unstable families do not create strong, safe emotional relationships to stabilize children and help them grow into well functioning adults and citizens of the world.

We need to take care of the planet we live on, and guard the ecological niche we occupy -- close connection with others.

Strengthen adult love relationships, families and communities.

We all benefit when love relationships blossom; we all suffer when they become distressed or break.

Direct costs: food, housing and healthy care for needy single-parent families and child-support enforcement. Indirect costs: physical and mental health problems, lost work time, addiction, and crime.

As we educate for love and see romantic love as intelligible and malleable, we shift from 'falling' in love, to 'making' love. We develop more confidence in our ability to shape our love relationships. The more you believe you can influence what happens, the harder you try to keep and mend it. We can make love last b/c we know how to repair and renew it.

Mayans predicted destruction.
Incas and Tibetan Bon shamans foretold renewal and transformation.
Hip prophesied a 'time of turning the earth over.'


Kwame Anthony Appiah of Princeton says: In life, the challenge is not so much to figure out how best to play the game; the challenge is to figure out what game you are playing.

Soul (Old English - vital breath)

We are never so alive as when we love.

[Sarah A · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNF with two chapters left- it’s buckwild to make your intro about how unfortunate it is that isolation in modern society has led to most people depending entirely on their romantic partners for emotional support, and then spend so much time in the actual book talking about how romantic relationships are more special and important than any other bond, and how many psychological problems you think could be solved by just being in the right romantic relationship. Also buckwild to quote the longevity project saying that social bonds (not specifically a single romantic bond) can extend your lifespan, and then immediately interpret that quote as saying people should prioritize a single romantic bond to extend their lifespan (especially given the description of the longevity project literally notes that marriage alone is not the biggest indicator for a long lifespan!). The whole thing felt like a big ad for the therapy style the author invented. Boooooooo

[Mark Henderson · Rating 2 out of 5]

Johnson's book is a good introduction for several emotional topics close to me, but almost all are fleshed out in better detail elsewhere. While I learned things from this book, one of my principal concerns is that Johnson labels emotions as "negative" or "positive" and clearly emphasizes that "positive" emotions are better. For example, joy is better than anger. This is a view that I've slowly learned to wholeheartedly rebuke. Influenced by other authors, I hold more that each emotion - even and especially those labeled as "negative" - tell me something about my current experience and are just as valuable.

As far as applied experiments go, I found it hard to empathize with the fictional (or anonymized) characters. Almost all couples were on the extreme of the avoidant/anxious spectrum. As someone more in the middle, I wanted more guidance on how to work with and empathize with those in my life who lean more heavily one way or the other.

[Blair Emsick · Rating 3 out of 5]

Why is my single ass reading books written by marriage counselors idk kkkkkk … Johnson's writing was a bit blah but damn she discusses some fascinating studies. I enjoyed and I am ready to be a wife 💁💁

[Tara ☆ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent, eye-opening, approachable book – so much terrific information!

Only the conclusion feels a tiny bit dated as this was published in 2013. But this is new information for me and a brilliant starting point. I highly recommend this book!

[Maria Morozova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Сью Джонсон, Чувство любви

Любовь спасёт мир. Фраза-клише, не так ли? Однако, после прочтения этой книги только эта мысль и крутится в голове. Основываясь на теории привязанности Джона Боулби, Сью Джонсон, работающая в подходе эмоционально-фокусированной терапии, доказывает, что потребность в близости, как минимум, с одним значимым человеком глубоко укоренена в человеческой природе. Крепкие доверительные отношения служат своего рода тихой гаванью, в которой человек находит опору, спокойствие, поддержку и отдушину. Из неё человеку легче взаимодействовать с жёстким миром, добиваться чего-то, справляться с жизненными трудностями. Имея уверенность в как минимум одном человеке, зная, что тебя поддержат в тяжелый момент, что о тебе позаботятся, осознание того, что тебя любят – всё это служит фундаментом и крепкой опорой в жизни. Из такой позиции люди более амбициозны, бесстрашны, проявляют больше эмпатии окружающим, хотят делать добро. Отсюда и “Любовь спасёт мир” 

Авторка также попыталась ответить на вопрос “Что такое любовь?”.

Любовь – это чувство сильной привязанности, состоящее из нескольких главных компонентов (приведены не в порядке важности):
1. сексуальное влечение к партнёру
2. забота о партнёре (внимательность + эмпатия)

Больше всего мне была интересна тема секса в отношениях, поэтому её резюмировала в наибольшей мере, что приведу ниже. А в общем и целом, очень стоящая работа. Я бы сказала, это книга дающая фундамент и помогающая осознать и принять то, почему нам так хочется отношений, почему так много фильмом и книг о них, почему наши жизни вертятся вокруг любви и вызванных ею страданий. Советую всем.

Роль секса в любви
Связь секса и чувства привязанности неоспорима. Это объясняется рядом научно-подтвержденных исследований, выработкой окситоцина при оргазме и базовой человеческой потребностью построить прочную интимную связь с как минимум одним человеком. Обо всём по порядку.

В основе самого лучшего, чрезвычайно удовлетворяющего секса лежит чувство глубокой привязанности к человеку, с которым вы им занимаетесь. Чувство уверенности в нём, доверия, эксклюзивности.

Люди с избегающим типом привязанности, то есть чувствующие дискомфорт от эмоциональной близости и зависимости от других людей, чаще занимаются сексом только ради секса. Они сосредотачиваются на своих ощущениях, таким образом дистанциируясь от партнёра. Они часто оттягивают момент оргазма, стремятся показать свою технику, доказать свою умелость в постели. Нет нежных объятий после секса, как нет и долгих прелюдий. Открытость и чувственность не приветствуется. Секс как самоцель – получить оргазм и разойтись. Почему здесь не будет чрезвычайно удовлетворяющего секса? Потому что вместо полной отдачи партнёру, желание сделать ему или ей максимально приятно, вместо полной отдачи и наслаждением близостью, человек с избегающим типом будет беспокоится о том, чтобы ненароком не вовлечься эмоционально и не привязаться к партнёру; он будет отвлекаться на выстраивание барьеров и блокирование своих чувств, и игнорирование чувств партнёра. Такой секс можно назвать пустым.

Для людей с тревожным (тревожно-амбивалентным) типом привязанности секс служит подтверждением того, что их любят и желают. Здесь тоже не будет удовлетворяющего секса, так как мысли будут не о самом сексе, а о том любят ли тебя.

Со временем секс становится скучным и пресным?
Проблемы в сексе – это практически всегда показатель проблем в отношениях. Исключения: болезни и подобное. Вполне вероятно, если в отношениях эмоциональная связь ослабела, появились недопонимания и невыраженное недовольство, то и секс будет не таким доверительным и страстным. Представьте, как это – заниматься сексом с человеком, на которого ты злишься или которого ты не уважаешь/боишься/презираешь.

Что делать с доводом, что мы по природе полигамны?
Это довольно устаревшее мнение, которое то и дело всплывает в полиаморном дискурсе. Оно в большей степени уходит корнями в эволюционный подход, который стоит на том, что мужчине свойственно хотеть распространить своё семя как можно больше, чтобы его гены продолжили существование. Также, приводятся исторические аргументы, мол, с древних времён мы жили в полигамных коммунах, а моногамия – продукт сравнительно недавнего производства. Что можно ответить на это?

Контраргумент №1. Да, в первобытном обществе преобладала полигамия, так как это было нужно для выживания в то время. Мужчины чаще охотились, подвергали себя опасности и, в следствие, умирали. Мужчин было меньше, чем женщин. А женщины, в свою очередь, не имели средств для самообеспечения. Поэтому один мужчина имел отношения с несколькими женщинами одновременно. Сейчас же этот социальный конструкт уже архаичный, за исключением определенных африканских племён.

Контраргумент №2. В нашем мозге вырабатываются разные нейромедиаторы: дофамин, серотонин, эндорфин, окситоцин и др. Нас интересует окситоцин. Его называют молекулой моногамии. Это гормон привязанности, который делает нас счастливыми, когда мы находимся в группе людей, которым мы доверяем, где нас любят и принимают, даже когда мы просто думаем о любимом человеке. Окситоцин выделяется в наибольшем количестве при оргазме и при кормлении грудью. В случае с кормлением, мать чувствует прочнейшую связь с ребёнком и хочет продолжать о нём заботиться, гормон как бы привязывает её к нему. Детёныш выживет.

Теперь вопрос: если бы секс не имел ничего общего с формированием привязанности, почему у нас в мозге всегда вырабатываются дозы гормона привязанности при оргазме (а также объятиях и ласках)?

Выработка окситоцина при оргазме заложена в нас изначально, как и желание создать прочную, близкую, доверительную связь как минимум с одним человеком. Людям не свойственно заниматься сексом ради секса. Такое происходит, когда человек использует секс ради закрытия своих эмоциональных нужд, дыр, чтобы отвлечься или “затрахать” определённую боль либо эмоциональный дискомфорт.

Тогда почему люди изменяют?
Не всё идеально просто в моногамии. Часто даже находясь в браке с любимым человеком люди всё равно ищут интимную связь на стороне. Почему? Трудно говорить за все случаи сразу, однако можно сказать, что, если происходит измена на физическом уровне, с полной уверенностью можно заявлять, что в эмоциональной связи у партнёров не всё в порядке. Иногда связь с партнёром настолько ослабла или разрушилась, что мы чувствуем себя одиноко. И тогда наше подсознание толкает нас на новую интимную связь с другим человеком, чтобы построить новые отношения, в которых будет эта близость и доверие, которые по каким-то причинам исчезли с первым партнёром.
Секс влечёт нас в отношения. Как на подсознательном уровне, так и на гормональном.

Проблемы с низким либидо или отсутствием либидо у женщин.
Около 30% женщин утверждают, что у них отсутствует желание заниматься сексом. И всего 15% мужчин говорят о такой проблеме. У последних это чаще всего связано с проблемами со здоровьем, в то время как женщины часто абсолютно здоровы, а сексуальной близости не хотят. В чём же дело?

У мужчины механизм сексуального возбуждения очень прост: визуальный, звуковой, телесный стимул  эрекция и желание. У женщин же всё гораздо сложнее и дольше. Для женщины крайне важно ещё чувствовать себя в безопасности. Мужчины сильнее физически, да и секс зачастую происходит, когда женщина лежит на спине под мужчиной в беззащитной позиции. На подсознательном уровне женщина может не чувствовать себя в безопасности (а если ещё мужчина и груб, применяя то, что он увидел в порно, у неё может быть и чувство страха за своё здоровье). Также, существует страх забеременеть. Лишь по этим двум причинам можно понять, почему женщинам тяжелее возбудиться и достичь оргазма. Поэтому секс в доверительных отношениях, в безопасности, с проверенным партнёром принесёт гораздо больше как возбуждения, так и наслаждения.

Почему у женщины возникают проблемы с либидо в доверительных отношениях?
Причин, помимо физиологических, может быть множество:
- потеря эмоциональной связи с партнёром
- женщина не чувствует себя в безопасности
- она не чувствует себя любимой: полное или очень малое количество предварительных ласок.

Почему не бывает Виагры для женщин?
Основной эффект Виагры – прилив крови к гениталиям. У женщины же возбуждение происходит в голове. Виагра не может вызвать чувство безопасности и привязанности.
Когда отношения в паре становятся более прочными и безопасными, секс (даже если терапия его не затрагивала) ав��оматически улучшается. И даже решение некоторых проблем в сексуальной сфере начинается с укрепления связи между партнёрами.

Порно и его влияние на секс
За последние года всё больше пар называют порно главной проблемой своих отношений. Почему так?
В порнографии секс приравнивается к генитальному акту и полностью отделен от эмоциональной привязанности, которая является главным компонентом хорошего секса в реальной жизни. Мужчины берут за пример секс, который далёк от реальности, а когда их партнёрша выглядит или ведёт себя не так, как девушка из порно – он разочарован и неудовлетворен. Фантазии уводят его всё дальше и дальше от жены.
Порнография утоляет желание – временно. Оргазм, вызванный просмотром видео или фотографий, запускает выброс всех гормонов счастья, кроме окситоцина, который отвечает за привязанность и даёт ощущение полное удовлетворение и спокойствие после секса.

Порнография заставляет хотеть ещё больше порнографии. Избыточное потребление ведёт к избыточной выработке дофамина. Это нарушает естественные процессы в организме. Процессы пытаются вернуть гомеостаз. Мозг отключает рецепторы дофамина, и реакция на него замедляется. В результате требуется всё больше и больше стимуляции не только для эйфории, но даже просто для нормального самочувствия.

Пристрастие к порнографии, как и другие аддикции, по сути, являются отчаянными попытками найти замену надёжной и безопасной привязанности к другому человеку. Но заменители не приносят удовлетворения, разрушают здоровье, убивают счастье и приносят расстройство в сексуальной сфере.

Сексуальность любителей порнографии теряет целостность, навсегда разделяя эмоции и эротику. Злоупотребление интернет-порно ведёт к одиночеству и изоляции, разрушает способность строить близкие отношения.

[Heli Künnapas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kindlasti sain häid mõtteid, aga üldiselt jah liiga pikk ja lohisev ning ümmarguse jutuga.

Pikemalt kirjutan blogis: https://midaheliluges.blogspot.com/20...

[Kim Blackham · Rating 5 out of 5]

Sue Johnson has done it again! What remarkable research in the field of relationships. I think the reason I appreciate Sue’s work so much is it is not just gimmicky advice. She clearly explains, in a reader- friendly way, what the current research on love tells us. She demonstrates what we know about love and how it makes sense. And she provides real, conversational examples of couples that find their way out of disconnection to a safe and lovingly attached relationship. The examples she uses really are inspirational. They are just normal people, like you and me, who have found the answers and made it work. I purchased the audio book and the hard copy. Some audio books are so painful to listen to, but Sue’s soothing voice made my driving kids to and fro much more pleasant. It was actually really cool – I would arrive somewhere and have her words so fresh in my mind that I found them making an instant impact. While I like the hard copy to highlight and refer back to, I would highly recommend the audio version. I think there is something really powerful about hearing her tone and expressions. Overall, I would recommend this to everyone who wants to improve any relationship.

[Darcy Gabe · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book hasn’t aged well. Lots of sweeping generalizations, especially around gender. It also reads from a heterosexual, cisgender, upper middle class, western perspective. So many things stated as fact, or stated as obvious, is only true for a small subset of the global population, but is presented as the human truth. . Even the research she cites is all done in the west by western people.

I was also particularly disappointed by the dismal of the idea that humans are not meant to have one partner for their entire life. She’s like “humans are supposed to have one mate for life; end of story!” And then makes a weird point about how birds are monogamous so humans must be, too. (???). It’s really sloppy, and that’s true for some other themes she attempts to tackle.

Another example is porn: she looks at porn from the most stereotypical lens - heteronormative, and male dominance/female submissive. And then she just says that it’s bad for couples. Like, no research. No exploring if it’s a symptom to a larger problem. Her only “advice” is to just stop watching porn (no evidence).

It just reads very Christian-conservative-older generation and out of touch with reality and different lenses.

[A. Housewife · Rating 3 out of 5]

I see that I excerpted a lot of gems. Sue Johnson is great and her work is incredible.
I still did not love this book. I found the science to be in line with what the party line of science is saying now but not in line with what Lisa Feldman Barrett says about emotions. (This is not a repudiation of Sue Johnson; I think her therapeutic theories and work are SOLID.) I found her discussion about porn and affairs to be less nuanced than a deep plunge into those fields (eg Esther Perel's book on affairs) would yield. I found it overall unfocused and meandering as a book. She's an engaging writer and it didn't hurt as a review of the concepts I learned in Hold Me Tight and I'm not sorry I read it. But I didn't feel that this book added qualitatively to my understanding. 3.5 stars

[Tiago F · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm a bit skeptical of relationship books. They often feel overly psychoanalytic, almost blending into self-help, where anyone can simply give their own advice and act as an authority, often with little to back it up.

That's why I was determined to find a book with solid science behind it. Relationships and human connections are completed. Its certainly not something easy to grasp with the scientific method, but insights can be learned. Even if a scientific approach can be a bit reductionist, at least it gives me some confidence that what I am reading isn't completely bollocks.

This book seemed to fit the bill the best out of all of them that I found. Sue Johnson is a clinical psychologist and couple therapist, with many years of experience as both a therapist and researcher. She developed emotionally focused couples and family therapy (EFT), a psychotherapeutic approach for couples based on attachment theory. This is mostly what the book focuses on. It is centered on trust and intimacy between the couple, and broken relationships often arise due that being broken. It may seem like it is something else, but that is a symptom and not a cause. What ultimately binds us together is knowing that our partner can be relied on, and having confidence and trust to deal with our vulnerability.

Something that struck me immediately was how well the book was written. Beyond the content itself, it expresses its ideas incredibly well. It is very easy to read, but even more impressive to me, at times it felt almost poetic. The descriptions of love and attachment were beautiful to read.

What I most wanted was science, and science I got. It's not a textbook, and it doesn't just throw a bunch of studies at you. It builds a narrative and uses studies to support it along the way. Some of them authored by Sue herself. For example, it mentions a study where 73 people were studied, and two years later, they found that among those who had problems with insecurity, the relationships were stronger if the partner could come back from an argument. In another study, 168 couples were questioned over a long period in their relationship, from 8 weeks to 14 years. Many variables were addressed, hoping to see what seemed to affect a relationship's success the most. It found that what predicted a long-term relationship was not how often the couple fought, but rather how much affection and emotional responsiveness was shown. These show that it is positive and deep engagement that matters, not so much avoiding conflict. It's not that this is a revolutionary insight, but at least you know it is based on data from actual relationships, not just a person's opinion or common-sense of what a relationship should be.

In addition to science, it also provided many anecdotes from Sue's practice, which I found incredibly helpful. At first, some of what she was saying felt a bit too abstract and hard to pin down. But after a few stories of how these problems show up in real-life relationships, it really changed my perspective. Its articulation of emotional attunement between couples, and how it is both lost and gained, was incredibly helpful.

It covered many topics that weren't strictly about romantic relationships as well, and I highly appreciated it. How communities are built, the role of technology in human connection, the importance of maternity leave, the role of pornography, and even how botox affects emotional expression are covered. They were all enjoyable to read and with important takeaways.

There were a few things I disliked, however. First, the experiments. There are many experiments the author proposes, often just so you understand an idea better. I hated them. Many are unrealistic, and I doubt anyone does them. They are easily skippable so they don't ruin the book or anything, but I found it annoying.

While I did praise the science of the book, it should have had more of it. A lot of the book was the author's commentary, and I understand why. But more studies should have been referenced, like the ones I mentioned. They were there, but they were few.

Lastly, EFT heavily uses the framework of attachment styles influenced by Bowlby. These include a secure attachment (autonomous and confident), avoidant (dismissing), and anxious (overly preoccupied). There is also a 4th attachment called "disorganized", which for whatever reason was never mentioned in the book. These are supposed categories of human attachment, and the author applies them to relationships. There is a fair bit of science on them, so I don't dismiss them. But it felt like an overly consuming schema that reduced relationships to these attachment styles. It certainly feels like an oversimplification needing nuance, and that made me a bit more skeptical.

But taken as a whole, it's a wonderful book about relationships. Everyone knows love is important, but we are quick to forget. And everyone also knows that love is hard to maintain, but easily get distracted and don't put as much attention to our relationships as we should. This book provides a very useful overview of what relationships are, what drives their success, and what makes them crumble. It's not a magical potion that will make every relationship perfect, but I'm sure that everyone can find insight into how it explores the role of emotional connection, trust, and vulnerability.

[Brittany · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars rounded up for now. I appreciated the explicit and unapologetic condemnation of pornography and affirmation of monogamy.

'"I think I'm going to have a panic attack." I heard myself say, "No, you're not. Just stop it."' Bruh

"He knows I had some bad sexual experiences as a teenager, but he says I should be over that by now and that there is something wrong with me." Bruuh

"In the midst of a contraction, she said to Jack, 'I want you to come and put your arms around me.' Jack turned away and responded with a flat, 'No.'" Bruuuh

"One of the heretofore unrecognized requisites for feeling desire...is feeling safe."

"Disconnect occurs abruptly, triggered by a single event, what we call 'a relationship injury or trauma'. Then it's as if a bomb drops on the house, blasting out walls and shattering the foundation. These events are cataclysmic, shattering a partner's sense of safety and leaving only pain and despair. Everything the injured partner assumed about the other, their relationship, their world, is overturned...As with other traumas, a feeling of helplessness results. What is worse here is that the injury is caused by the very person who is the safe haven. This paradox leaves people confused and lost. They stumble around, unable to grasp what has happened or respond effectively. Infidelity is the most obvious wound. 'I cannot just 'get over this,' insists Ethan, addressing Louis, his wife of 30 years. 'You asked me to put your affair aside, but every time you're late home, I wonder if you've found a new 'friend'. I can't seem to turn off the feeling that it could all happen again. I was blindsided last time. I never saw it coming and I don't know how to get the love back. Even when it seems safe between us and you are trying to be loving, some part of me warns 'Don't risk it. Don't ever let yourself be hurt like that again.''...Ethan grills Louis for every detail of the affair, imagining that this will somehow give him back a sense of control...and the hurt only grows. The partner who inflicted the injury often tries to dismiss its significance. This is always a mistake."

"'You make it all sound so reasonable, but you let me down and I will never again ask you or show you that I need your caring. I dealt with all that pain on my own, but you tell me that this is not a problem'....Until it is healed this wound will block her ability to turn to and depend on her partner."

"Each time these lovers share their soft places and their need for each other and respond with empathy and care, they offer their loved one reassurance that he or she is the chosen, irreplaceable one, and the bond between them deepens."

[Henrik Havighorst · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is lots of good advice to be found in this book. Especially the scientific undercurrent in some chapters is quite interesting, learning about the grounds upon which one's behavior is based. Yet, there are some gripes I do have with Johnson views on relationships, which - alas - are very much in tune with white suburban America and are too judgemental and in parts, anti-male and anti-sexual.

Here are but some issues I have: She considers polyamory a failure, BDSM and related practices proof of lack of connection, she just neglects the increased male sexual desire that might (or might not) be based in genetics. As a man, I would have been interested in a more profound examination of that problem (she just says, if that "would" be the case "what a terrible world it would be"). And, towards the end, a whole chapter tells the story of a fictional couple getting their shit together. I have been around the block and I am absolutely on her side when it comes to being honest, open, loving and true to yourself and others - but they way she makes that fictional couple "talk" to each other is just cheesy as fuck an no way in hell, people every talked like that. As a married man in a couple with its own share of trouble, I am not really keen on such babble.

Still, I took some things away from it, but only by ignoring lots of her viewpoints. I am looking for something more progressive and realistic.

[Olivia · Rating 5 out of 5]

Literally wrote a whole report on this so here's an abbreviation:

This book directly addresses marital health and further claims to identify the root of much of the cause of marital discord: attachment styles. Johnson gives ample support for her theory. William Faulkner’s quote “The past is never dead. It’s not even past,” was used in this book and I believe that this perfectly summarizes the premise of this book, that our attachment styles, formed in our pasts, continue to influence and act on our relationships today.

This book and its approach are hard to misinterpret. I believe that everyone, no matter their stage of life or marriage, could learn something new from reading this book and working to apply the methods.

A majority of chapters ended with a section called "experiment" where Dr. Johnson gives a little homework assignment that you can complete with/about your spouse. I reallllly liked a few of them.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed the way Sue Johnson explained how the various attachment styles and how we react to our partners affect our relationships. She has condensed all the important aspects of what makes a healthy relationship, gained from her years of research and teaching, into this one book.

Ultimately my greatest take away is this: “We may like to dream that relationships are fixed at their most joyous state, but we know better. Relationships are not static, frozen-in-time unions; they are living, breathing organisms, reacting through the days and years to the outside world and their own internal dynamics.” That is why we constantly have to work at it, and why learning/reading about them can be so useful.

[KC · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title suggests that the research cited in the book is both "new" and "revolutionary," when in fact most of it is based on John Bowlby's attachment theory work of the late 1950s and early 1960s.

An overstated subtitle notwithstanding, this book has much to offer in helping individuals and couples understand the psychological, sociological, and even physiological underpinnings of committed relationships. Combining theory from clinical and scientific literature, examples from the author's therapy practice, and useful analysis and insight distillment, this book outlines the importance and value of living loving lives together, gives a roadmap that both signals the path to success and illuminates the pitfalls, all while giving practical advice (mainly through the examples of featured couples) about how to navigate the landscape and recover from setbacks.

I have not read the author's first book Hold me Tight yet, but I might add it to my list for 2019.

[Doug · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some interesting insights, and some classical notions about brain physiology. Theme is about the capacity of willing couples, at every stage of a relationship, to overcome their own dances with disaster and making the relationship healthier and stronger. Thesis depends heavily on Attachment Theory which is now well established as fundamental to strong personal relationships. But the theory gets complicated and messy and is not adequately explained in this book. It would appear that many of us have attachment issues. This is discouraging. But with many hours of couples therapy and no doubt many thousands of dollars, we can overcome our flaws. In the end a bit discouraging and depressing, but maybe that is a mere reflection of my own state of mind.

[Victoria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Exceptional science behind the role of connection and attachment between partners and how to nourish our most important love relationships!