Pulling Your Own Strings: Dynamic Techniques for Dealing with Other People and Living Your Life As You Choose

by Wayne W. Dyer

INSTANT NATIONAL BESTSELLER, WITH OVER 3 MILLION COPIES SOLD

From the #1 bestselling author of Your Erroneous Zones, a directed and practical book that shows you how to stop being manipulated by others and start taking charge of your own life.

Wayne Dyer reveals how we all can prevent ourselves from being victimized by others and begin to operate from a position of power at the center of our own lives. Asserting that we alone are responsible for how much we will be controlled by others, Dyer offers his practical plan for developing new attitudes toward the most common sources of victimization and manipulation, such as family members and authority figures in the workplace.

For example, families can be tremendously coercive and demanding, but they can also be an immensely rewarding part of your life. Dyer shows how to cope with the negative side and contribute to the positive. In their working life, many people stay in unfulfilling jobs because they feel constrained by their present experience or because they fear change. Dyer shows that by being enthusiastic and flexible, you can find the work to be happy. Life, Dyer says, is a beautiful thing as long as you hold the strings. Pulling Your Own Strings will give you the dynamic strategies and tools to master your own fate.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Personal Development, Spirituality, Personal Growth, Audiobook

288 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1978

About the author

Wayne Walter Dyer was an American self-help author and a motivational speaker. Dyer earned a Bachelor’s degree in History and Philosophy, a Master’s degree in Psychology and an Ed.D. in Guidance and Counseling at Wayne State University in 1970. Early in his career, he worked as a high school guidance counselor, and went on to run a successful private therapy practice. He became a popular professor of counselor education at St. John's University, where he was approached by a literary agent to put his ideas into book form. The result was his first book, Your Erroneous Zones (1976), one of the best-selling books of all time, with an estimated 100 million copies sold. This launched Dyer's career as a motivational speaker and self-help author, during which he published 20 more best-selling books and produced a number of popular specials for PBS. Influenced by thinkers such as Abraham H. Maslow and Albert Ellis, Dyer's early work focused on psychological themes such as motivation, self actualization and assertiveness. By the 1990s, the focus of his work had shifted to spirituality. Inspired by Swami Muktananda and New Thought, he promoted themes such as the "power of intention," collaborated with alternative medicine advocate Deepak Chopra on a number of projects, and was a frequent guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show.

Reviews

[Jessaka · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this in the late 90s, and so did my mother. It changed her life and those around her. How? Well, first this, the book tells you how to do what you want and not be manipulated by others. If you don't want to do something, don't. This is how it worked out for her and for us kids:

My brothers and sisters came to visit her one year, and we were sitting at the dinner table. All the sudden we noticed that her macaroni salad wasn't on the table. "Where's the macaroni salad?" we asked. Her salad was the best in the world, but you could never copy her recipe because there were no measurements. I have tried. But what she said changed things forever, thanks to Wayne Dyer, the destroyer of family gatherings. It was this: "I didn't make any because I didn't feel like it." The bottom dropped out of our lives that day. If she ever made macaroni on subsequent visits, I don't recall.

Maybe my failure on this recipe is mainly because I use mayonnaise and she used Miracle Whip. Here is her recipe. Good luck because the measures are guesswork when I was watching her make it one day:

MY MOM’S MACARONI SALAD

2 hard-boiled eggs
Salt and pepper to taste 1
2 stalks celery, chopped
Miracle Whip Salad Dressing to coat
1/2 large onion, chopped
large dill pickle, chopped
1 small jar chopped pimientos
1 small pkg. cooked elbow macaroni

Mix all ingredients together. Next day you may need to add more Miracle Whip as the noodles soak up the dressing and can be dry.

[Seon Ji (Dawn) · Rating 3 out of 5]

This author was highly recommended to me by my cousin Michelle. I have heard of him before and have been wanting to read his work for awhile now. I think now was the right time. Any earlier and I may not have gotten through it.

I did not realize that the book concentrates on helping people who victimize themselves.

I don't see myself in this light, as a victim. But I read it anyway.

It was about 70% in where I found the area I was interested in reading about which pertains to judgement and reality. Nothing is good or bad, it just is.. everything is just a matter of how you perceive and react to events.

All great stuff.

I gave three stars because I don't really see eye to eye with Dyer on a few aspects. Especially his 100 question quiz at the end. I felt there could have been three possibilities not just two..victim or not victim. You are not a victim if you choose to allow the other person to "victimize you." But then it's not being a victim..It's called turning the other cheek. Just because I tip a waiter for bad service and don't complain about mediocre food, does not make me a victim. It makes me a person who is not going to go back to that restaurant. I chose not to make a fuss, and deemed this battle not worth fighting. If I do not allow this to upset me how can I be a victim?

Perhaps I am incorrect. Maybe in Dyer's terms I am a victim.. I don't feel like one, and that's what matters.

I think many would like this book and find it enlightening.

[Lou Lawton · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't actually finish this book. The beginning was excellent and getting out of that victim mind was helpful. However, then it started to present tools that at first seemed helpful, but I felt were victimising others and I developed a lot of anger for other people. I realised that this book wasn't leading me in the direction I wanted.

[Tracy · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book started off so well and then devolved into a diatribe about avoiding clerks and always going straight to management. Having been a clerk, Wayne Dyer obviously had an axe to grind. That aside, this book had some valuable information about how our culture is generally manipulative/victimizing, but I don't think it actually provided useful strategies for dealing with it. Being assertive is not enough. In the end, we need to assess our deeper belief systems, claim our responsibility, and deal with our repressed trauma. Dr. Dyer seems to be of the impression that people can instantly brush off a traumatic childhood or event just because it's in the past and focusing on it isn't serving them. I get where he's coming from, but I also think his rhetoric isn't helpful. Sometimes things aren't as simple as shoving things down. Repression isn't always the answer. I thought his checklists for checking whether you had a victim mindset were interesting and insightful and I can see that he really thought his way of seeing/dealing with things was helpful. But basically, I didn't like this book at all and I wouldn't recommend it. If you have issues with assertiveness, I think the book Boundaries: Where to Draw the Line is a way better book than this one.

[Sue · Rating 4 out of 5]

'Pulling Your Own Strings' has been really helpful for me to detach from other people's opinions of me and be able to act in ways I believe in. For example, I referred to it when I my electrician lost his temper with me. I was able to go back and talk with him in ways that made me feel empowered, authentic, and effective.

This book is excellent. I wish I had read it in high school. It would have helped me in so many situation where I was clueless in dealing with people who treat me poorly. Now I have a clue!

[Ruby · Rating 5 out of 5]

My mom gave me this book and said it changed her life, and it had a great positive impact for me!

The assertive, commonsense writing style makes you feel confident and provides good logic about being a non-victim and taking control of one’s life.

I recently realized that there is no punishment for being happy- great idea living a life by that motto, and this book was great for providing a logical explanation for exactly why being quietly effective and smart and happy in your life is a great decision.

It's a feel good book. Not long-winded and I found nothing to argue with it. I really enjoyed it.

[Jeremy · Rating 3 out of 5]

It's probably not a bad idea for everyone and anyone to take a read of something Dyer has done. He's got a lot of practical wisdom for life but he keeps it very simple. That being said, "Pulling..." may be one of his more useful books.

Dyer can often be redundant, sometimes in the same work and often across his many books. This book, which was originally published in the late '70's, is less repetitive than his others and I think that's because it was one of his earlier works.

I read this on a friend's recommendation because although I don't have a lot of trouble being manipulated or victimized, there are great chapters on how people use their emotions to use you, why it's important to understand what you can and can't control, and the necessity to take care of #1. I saw a bit of myself and a lot of my college athletes. I plan to give this book to a few of them as I think it will really hit home.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I appreciate how Wayne W. Dyer narrated this audiobook as though he was speaking directly to me. His advice and insights helped me to at least calm down, and I hope that I will be able to take some of what he said and apply it to my life.

I do feel like I could have benefited from more specific tips for how to approach sticky situations, but there's no way that Dyer can predict a situation and offer a solution to it. What this really all comes down to is establishing your own self-esteem, respecting yourself, and demanding that others treat you respectfully. That takes practice, and Dyer can't do that part of it for us.

[Esha · Rating 4 out of 5]

In the introduction, Wayne Dyer states,"This is the only life you get, and it is too precious to let others take their own advantage of it…you should determine how you are going to function , and your functioning ought to bring you the joy and fulfillment of "pulling your own strings" rather than the pain and misery of victimization.

This book does an awesome job leading you out of the victim mentality with practical advice and simple strategies. You don't have be a rebel, you just need to have the courage to stand before the world and say, " I am going to be my own person, and resist anyone who tries to get in my way."

[Infada Spain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ideal for those who are victimized....or feel so.

[Marco Svevo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Finora di molto inferiore a Le vostre zone erronee (che comunque andrebbe riletto una volta al mese per mantenerne l'effetto positivo).
Le quotazioni del libro si impennano con la citazione tratta dai Karamazov: "Gli uomini rifiutano i loro profeti e li uccidono, ma amano i loro martiri, sicché alla fine onorano quelli che hanno ucciso".

"Per essere efficace, la terapia dovrebbe rappresentare un'esperienza che insegni ad adottare comportamenti nuovi e a scoraggiare i discorsi a vuoto". Amen, fratello.

"Imparò quindi una verità fondamentale propugnata dai filosofi di tutti i secoli, ossia che talvolta chi ha meno possiede di più".

Non male anche questa: "la differenza tra perseveranza e ostinazione è data dal fatto che la prima spesso nasce da una forte volontà, mentre la seconda nasce da un'altrettanto grande mancanza di volontà" (così tale Henry Ward Beecher, sconosciuto ai più).

[SmallRain · Rating 2 out of 5]

I hated this book and did not finish it. I thought that it teaches you to be rude to others…the people he scornfully calls the clerks of the world. These poor people for the most part are poorly paid service type workers. One of his exercises it to go to a small business and ask for a large bill to be made in smaller denominations so you can ride a bus or something similar. This store has a policy of not giving out change for people who buy nothing. You know this but you are supposed to push for change from this clerk. Not all clerks are rude and refuse to help. I can’t see how asking a worker to go against store policy and possibly lose their job is pulling your own strings. Being rude and dismissive of the *clerks* of the world is not high on my agenda.

[Patricia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Who isn't pulling their own strings from time to time and letting themselves become the victim in certain situations. I liked this book because it points out the kinds of situations you might fall into, how you might typically react as victim and how you might react instead as a stronger person. Lots of examples. Lots of scenarios. Lots of opportunities to role-play in your head. And if you're not a victim in certain situation just don't read that part. I liked it.

[Shalyce · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’m loving Wayne Dyer right now. He states things simply and clearly. I find he has perspectives that resonate with me and are reminders I personally need on a regular basis. I really appreciate his discussion of victimizing ourselves and how to prevent that. The idea that we have so much more control than we often give ourselves is powerful. In reality I think it is easier to blame other people than it is to take personal responsibility for our life.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

Pulling Your Own Strings de Wayne W. Dyer es un libro de autoayuda que explora los conceptos del poder personal y la responsabilidad. Dyer sostiene que todos tenemos el poder de crear nuestra propia realidad y que debemos asumir la responsabilidad de nuestras vidas. El libro es una lectura inspiradora que nos invita a cambiar nuestra forma de pensar y actuar.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

Brings out the problem amazingly! but his seemingly simple to do advice, looks like BS to me..
Everyone does what he does cuz of reasons, you can't just "do differently" lots of work from multiple angles!

worth listening just for the awareness part.

[Arastoo · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve never kissed a book before until I read this book. What a gem! I’m practicing the techniques offered in the book and I’m seeing and feeling the positive changes already! Will need to reread it and take notes but I enjoyed it.

[Heather Stanley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Truncated audiobook version recorded in 2005 by the author.

Parts of the book have not aged well. Very white, hetero, able-bodied, entitled man circa 1990s perspective (even 1970s).
And he seems to take a perverse enjoyment from escalating problems with servers and customer service people. The man gives a LOT of f@cks.

Also, while he covers in great detail how we are not less important than any other person, he never mentions the other truth, we are not more important than any other person.

Seems to equate having requests or expectations of others as trying to manipulating or victimizing them - not sure I totally buy into that, but totally agreed we don’t have to give those expectations any value.
So when he insisted on getting a same day install, was he trying to manipulate or victimize the customer service person? According to his definition, yes. And also according to my definition, having had to suffer through untold entitled douchewaffles in my younger years.
(Clearly I’m hung up on a few of his stories, but they constituted a good 15-20 mins of the 1.5 hour audio recording; which means when he truncated the book, this is what he Really wanted me to know.)

So why am I giving this book 3 stars? Ugh, I guess because I didn’t read the full book, I’m reading through the lens of 2024, and because the central message is a good one - live the life you want, and don’t be influenced by the wishes and expectations of others. My edit - if the life you want involves destroying the planet or hurting others, maybe don’t do that.

[Unigami · Rating 4 out of 5]

The second best book by Wayne Dyer, teaching you how to take control of your life.

His later books are interesting, and have many good points, but unfortunately sink deeper and deeper into New Age woo woo until you reach the point where you begin to realize the Dyer thinks he is the reincarnation of St. Francis and can levitate himself....sheez!

[Aggelos Kleanthis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a necessity for those who want to see instant improvement in the way they think and act.It provides you with tangible examples which can be applied to any situation that revolves around being manipulated or victimized.

[Ora · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book has a great concept which if done correctly will help stopping a lot of mishaps we usually face in our life. It needed more practical steps however it's a book that reflects the many dimensions of the problem.

[Kimberley · Rating 3 out of 5]

Een zwaar, maar ook interessant boek.

[Evelyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book sometime after "Your Erroneous Zones". Helpful to me, even though it said about the same things as the previous books. Not a bad self-help book.

[Edith · Rating 2 out of 5]

primitiv pe alocuri.

[ReadingMama · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have previously read Dr. Dyer’s book and agreed with his teaching; and this very short book caught my attention. After a few hours of reading, I furiously wrote down some of the concepts that I wanted to remember.

~ People respect strength and being honest: Growing up in Eastern culture,
where humility and submission were highly valued, I still struggled with being assertive with my true emotions and avoiding conflict at the expense of going along with others. I want and need change in my behavior.
~ Develop a code of non-victim mentality: It was a way of letting others have their ways then feeling sorry for myself and being angry internally while smiling outside. NO MORE.
~ Remember that I am born with a purpose, and no one has a right to interfere with my life, as long as I am not interfering with theirs.
~ Standing up against, especially with family members and close friends who are preventing me from accomplishing my destiny, is my right.
~ Words are not effective tool; my behavior should be speaking my intent
~ I hear and I forget; I see and I remember; I do and I understand (The most effective easy is QUIETLY EFFECTIVE using actions, not words)
~ Stop asking for permission; instead declare, declare what I am entitled and plan to do. (This has become an extremely effective tool to communicate with some inner people in my life :-)
~ You will be treated the way you are allowing others to treat you/willing to accept certain behavior. (This was my main issue with Sunny, who has been treated belligerently because I have allowed her. NO more!)
~ No one dies from a snakebite. Snake bite itself is just a bite; however, you can die from its venom. Do not let the toxic thoughts penetrate you and overthrow you.
~ Don’t engage into their traps when they pull you with “You don’t understand me.” We do not have to justify or explain who I am or what I choose to do, in order to satisfy their needs and desires. Sometimes the best response is just SHRUG and move on. Or respond with “I do not need to explain myself because I do not believe you would understand me completely ever.”
~ Stop analyzing and just let go; analyzing is a violent intellectual process where I dissect, destroy, exaggerate and overthinking all by myself where no one wins
~ Make a distinction between judgement and true. Everyone has its own opinion and its subjective judgement. Just accept that we are all different. I do not think like you.
~ Pascal : all human’s trouble comes from not being able to sit quietly alone. Importance of meditation daily and empty my thoughts from troubles and concerns.

The bottom line is that no one will make you a victim without your consent. I can pull my own strings and be in control of my own fate.

[Pablo María Fernández · Rating 3 out of 5]

“Tus zonas erróneas” fue mi primer libro de autoayuda (lo agarré de la biblioteca de mi casa paterna sin entender bien de qué trataba). A esa edad no lo entendí demasiado pero por algún motivo cuando vi “Evitar ser utilizado” en una librería de usados lo compré. Esta vez subrayé por todos lados y encontré valor en su contenido. En mis veintes lo presté a una compañera de inglés pensando que le sería útil para su situación personal; no sabía aún que los libros no suelen volver y por eso la relectura para esta reseña la hice en una versión digital.

Lo primero que me llamó la atención es el título. Suelo prestar atención a la diferencia entre el original y la traducción. “Pull your own strings” es mucho más acertado para la propuesta de Dyer que la versión en español "Evite ser utilizado" donde se posiciona al lector en el rol de evitar ser víctima y no desde su propia fortaleza. A pesar de tener más de cuarenta años de publicado y veinte desde mi última lectura su contenido sigue vigente. Como suelo hacer con estos libros me salteé las historias ilustrativas y el desarrollo redundante para enfocarme en las ideas clave que resistieron el paso del tiempo más allá de que hay nuevos medios (WhatsApp, redes sociales) en los que debemos construir desde el valor y la autoestima para prevenir la manipulación. Me gusta que se aleja del new age y de la filosofía edulcorada con aires orientales imperantes en esa época: da consejos y prácticas para plantarse ante personas e instituciones (el trabajo, el Estado) que nos avasallan con demandas, con burocracia que desafían nuestra identidad, nuestra valía, nuestro tiempo. No le teme al conflicto, al chispazo e incluso a ser picante cuando es necesario. Como buen libro de este género tiene un cuestionario: en el último capítulo nos presenta cien situaciones en las que tenemos que responder indicando si seríamos víctima o antivíctimas. Esta respuesta binaria es reduccionista y se pierden las sutilezas (hay puntos medios entre agachar la cabeza y responder como matón) pero a pesar de eso puede darnos una buena pista de nuestra situación actual y potenciales oportunidades de mejora.

Justo leí este libro después de “El derecho a decir no” de Walter Riso donde plantea la asertividad como recurso para evitar los extremos de la agresión y de la victimización. Son dos lecturas que se orientan hacia el mismo lado: cómo respetarnos a nosotros mismos, comunicar con eficacia, no dejándonos pisotear sino construir vínculos e interacciones sanas si dan las condiciones (y saber cómo reaccionar en el caso contrario). Recomiendo leerlo por arriba, intentando capturar lo más sustancial.

[Aneliya Petrunova · Rating 4 out of 5]

(на български по-долу)
I had only heard about Wayne Dyer, but I had never read any of his books or seen any of his public lectures or interviews. However, he had been recommended by an author I respect (Dr. William Davis) and by a friend of mine and even though I waited this long, I finally got around to reading his book "Pulling Your Own Strings". I was looking for something "motivational" to read and I thought I'd give this book a try. It has not disappointed me, quite the contrary: I find it rather useful, since I was able to recognize myself in many of the situations described here and I am certainly one of the people who would benefit most from finding a way to start "pulling their own strings". The book contains both tests to help the reader assess his/her own degree of "victimization" and a lot of practical advice to help victims turn the tables and start living a more fulfilling life. Naturally, change takes time and it's up to each and every one of us to implement it in our own lives. But I am certainly going to be more aware of my own thought patterns and my interaction with other people from now on and I am sure I can benefit greatly from having read Wayne Dyer's book.

***

Само бях чувала за Уейн Дайър, но не бях чела никоя от книгите му, нито бях гледала негови публични лекции или интервюта. Но беше препоръчан от автор, когото уважавам (д-р Уилям Дейвис), а и от моя приятелка, и въпреки че чаках толкова дълго, най-накрая прочетох книгата му "Бъди господар на живота си". Търсех нещо "мотивиращо" за четене и реших да пробвам с тази книга. Тя не ме разочарова, дори точно обратното: смятам я за доста полезна, защото успях да се разпозная в много от описаните в нея ситуации и със сигурност съм от хората, които биха имали най-голяма полза от това да намерят начин "да започнат да дърпат конците на собствения си живот". Книгата съдържа и тестове, за да могат читателите да преценят доколко самите те се намират в положение на "жертви", и много практични съвети как да обърнете ситуацията в своя полза и да заживеете по-пълноценно. Естествено, промяната отнема време, а и зависи от всеки от нас да я приложим в живота си. Но със сигурност вече ще бъда по-осъзната за начина си на мислене и за отношенията си с хората и съм сигурна, че книгата на Уейн Дайър може да ми бъде изключително полезна.

[Charles Reed · Rating 3 out of 5]

52%

Helping your kid and others make good decisions that are beyond them? Get the fuck out of here. That's not appropriate, or is it? Sometimes it is. But either way, if they want your help, good. If they don't want your help, well, fuck them. So this is such a nuanced thing, because this is the approach to the book. It's like, I'm in control of my own life, and you're in control of your own life. And if you don't want my help, and you're not going to accept my help readily, then fuck them. Why should I work extra for you? And it's such a nuanced thing, because literally, in certain scenarios, and my daughter was actually removed from my house for making her make healthy decisions and being compliant with health guidelines. Fact. It is so societally dependent. What you should and shouldn't do. And that's the thing, it is so fucking hard to make a decision because of the nuances of situations. Like, are you even in a position where you can make good decisions for your kid? Or are you allowed to, is the thing? And are you allowed to make good decisions for others? I like this book a little bit, but it's so complicated to say definitively if it's in the right or wrong. That's why I gave it a 52%, because it's like, I guess circumstantially this could be right. And I like some of the tones to it, because I do take in some of this advice circumstantially. But overall, I wouldn't say that it's good advice.

[Carmen · Rating 5 out of 5]

La libertad es no tener obstáculo alguno para gobernar la propia vida del modo que uno elige. Todos tenemos obligaciones con la familia, pueden que no sean de nuestro agrado como : cenar con la familia, llevarlos de viaje.... Para no ser víctima no debemos operar en la debilidad. Pues los pensamientos negativos nos impiden ser fuertes. Debemos pensar que el tiempo transcurre al mismo ritmo, tiene 24 horas pasen o no rápidas y no tenemos que amargarnos por las situaciones qque la vida nos plantea. Podemos cambiar la forma de vestir pero solo es viejo si uno se siente así. Tampoco debemos compararnos con nadie. Cada persona es un ente único y como tal hay que tratarlo.
Discutir es algo que no merece la pena defender. Deje de pedir disculpas por suconducta. La mayoria de las personas son más amables con los extraños que con los seres queriod y consigo mismos. Diga NO
No hay camino a la felicidad, la felicidad es el camino. Uno es el producto de lo que elige para síen toda situación de la vida.
Impresionante libro, me ha hecho reflexionar sobre mi vida y mi situación actual. Hay que leerlo para cambiar y afrontar la vida

[Pedro Acosta · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Being offended is a victimizing choice. You need never be offended again, either by put-downs directed at you or by things in the world that you may have become accustomed to 'finding offensive'. If you don't approve of someone else's behavior or language, ignore it, particularly when it has nothing to do with you. By being offended and upset, by saying things like 'How dare he say that!' or, 'He has no right to make me upset like this!' or, 'I am offended when I see weirdos', you are victimizing yourself with the conduct of others, which is tantamount to having your emotional strings pulled by the very people you dislike. Shrug it off, ignore it, look the other way, ask yourself whether it's really that bad at all; or if you want to work at changing it, by all means do so. But don't choose the victim position of being offended and upset about it." Pulling Your Own Strings