Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Perfect Children

by Judith Martin

From Simon & Schuster, Miss Manners' Guide to Rearing Perfect Children is a primer for everyone worried about the future of civilization.

In her inimitable, arch, no-nonsense style, Miss Manners provides etiquette guidance for every social situation from school dances to conversations at the family dinner table, explains how to impress a college admissions officer, and offers rules for divorced parents and weekend parents

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Humor, Reference, Self Help, How To, 20th Century

432 pages, Paperback

First published October 1, 1984

About the author

Judith Martin (née Perlman), better known by the pen name Miss Manners, is an American journalist, author, and etiquette authority.

Since 1978 she has written an advice column, which is distributed three times a week by United Features Syndicate and carried in more than 200 newspapers worldwide. In the column, she answers etiquette questions contributed by her readers and writes short essays on problems of manners, or clarifies the essential qualities of politeness.

Reviews

[Patrick Peterson · Rating 4 out of 5]

2022-04-13 I just read a friend's review of another book in this genre and thought of this one.
Though I only read part of it, I really liked it and WISH I had read/studied it all.

Since our son is now 23 and far from interested in hearing lessons from me, or a book like this, my regrets show how too late I am.

The parts I did read were valuable, useful and sometimes very funny.

Not sure why I did not make more effort to read/study it.

Perhaps because when I did share some sections with my wife and son, they were kinda, NOT interested. Not sure why though.

[Michelle Adamo #EmptyNestReader · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once Upon A Time Judith Martin, a/k/a Miss Manners, had a regular advice column in the newspaper (remembers those things?). In this column Miss Manners, an authority on etiquette, dispensed endless amounts of wisdom addressing everything from dinner parties, to weddings to rearing children.

It is the later that Martin addresses in her book, Miss Manners Guide to Rearing Perfect Children. What a delightful book. Full of real, practical advise dispensed with no small amount of humor, wit, and just the right amount of snark. The book is primarily a collection of letters Miss Manners received from her readers and, of course, her responses.

“There is no quick and easy way to rear a child. It takes eighteen years of constant work to get one into presentable enough shape so that a college will take him or her off your hands for the winter season, and it can easily take the child on permanently.”

“Getting children to say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you,’ directly and in writing, is one of the chief tasks of child-rearing. It is a simple matter, requiring about ten years of contant vigilance, but those who give up on it might as well—and generally do—concede failure on the entire enterprise of civilizing their young.”

I highly recommend this book, it is great fun to read and, just look at how well my children turned out! ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

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[HeavyReader · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't have kids, but I adore Miss Manners, so I read this book. Hilarious! I love the way she can so politely skewer her gentle readers. I wish I were that calm and cool.

[Shannon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Judith Martin is one of my all-time favorite writers. She is deeply insightful, incredibly witty, and principled. Her writing on manners & etiquette is second-to-none. A few favorite passages:

"Manners are the basis of civilized society, and passing on the civilization to the young, so that they do not run around in a natural and savage stage but can live easily and comfortably with the accumulated traditions and standards of their society, is what child-rearing is all about." [p 3]

"Making a profession out of one's personal life is as vulgar as ever." [p 91]

"In fact, Miss Manners cannot think of a more succinct definition of a lady than 'someone who wants to punch another person in the nose, but doesn't.'" [p 177]

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

This volume is delightful, as Miss Manners always is, though I'm dying for a new edition! While the vast majority of Miss Manners' sassy, on-point, and thoughtful advice is timeless, there are a few direct references to "I know it's the 80's, but..." in this particular book that make it feel a bit more dated than the updated Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior, for example. Still, Judith Martin is always worth a read, and this book was as enjoyable as it is useful for childless and child-laden alike - that is, very.

[Marissa Morrison · Rating 1 out of 5]

Although I enjoy etiquette books to no end, I really detest Martin's intolerance of public breast feeding, which strikes me as toxic to children and society in general. If she wants to confine lactating women to the bathroom, then she ought to be working on behalf of mothers to make sure that public bathrooms are equipped with chairs.

Also, I couldn't help noticing that all of the queries are as suspiciously long-winded as the author's replies.

[Jillian · Rating 5 out of 5]

First, this book was funny to read, her one liners are wonderful. Second, there were a lot of good ideas in this book about how to teach manners to children that I have tried and seen work. Not only did I enjoy the book, but I've enjoyed the outcomes from tweaking my own behavior. Be warned, this is definitely a "grow up and be a parent" type book.

[Lois · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Miss Manners! I have nothing but respect for who she is and what she represents. She is witty, funny and totally practical. This is a great guide to remind you that manners do matter and how to teach them to your children. This is a small-print text-heavy book to be read in savory morsels, but enjoyable and definitely worth the time and effort!

[Lp · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't agree with everything she says, but still, she's quite entertaining in the telling.

[Janelle]

Despite spending my childhood as a manners hater, I found a lot to appreciate in this book. Seeing manners as a way to put others needs above your own and behave well in a bad situation was refreshing. She has some good practical advice and can be quite funny. Some of the etiquette she lays out seems to be pretty outdated (the book was written 40 years ago or so). No one I know has "good house paper" and I've never heard of a divorced woman going by the name Mrs "maiden name" "married name". She also is fairly dismissive of mental illness. Finally it is too bad that she would confine nursing mothers to public restrooms, it seems even nursing with a cover is insufficient.

[Ardyth]

I guess with Miss Manners you either love her or you don't. I do.

Stalled due to moving house.

[Jenny · Rating 4 out of 5]

So excited to raise perfect children now!

[Magda · Rating 4 out of 5]

I liked the suggestion on page 189 about setting a curfew for teenagers:
"The curfew is set, and so is an alarm clock near the parents' bed. It is the child's task, when she comes in, to turn this off so that the parents can sleep peacefully through the night. If this is not done, everyone knows when they will get hysterical, start telephoning the police, or appear downstairs saying, 'I'm afraid it's rather late now.' (No fair turning off the alarm if the child's friends are still in the house.) Given the choice between obedience and embarrassment, the child is extremely likely to decide on the former."

And in the "Glossary of Parental Expressions":
"OPEN WIDE. Announcement to baby that the parent is about to open his mouth wide and push loaded spoon toward baby." Unfortunately just as true in breastfeeding.

Although not in this book, if my memory serves, I do find Miss Manners' take on breastfeeding interesting: she's completely for it, but not in public. This differs with the other positions I've heard: for it and it should be done anywhere, or against it and it should be banned (or at least against that person being exposed to the practice). Personally, I would rather always sit in the same rocking chair to nurse the little one, but I will probably have to figure something out for going to church after the forty-day period (what a wonderful invention!).

[Rachelle · Rating 3 out of 5]

Miss Manners is very witty. Her smart responses left me chuckling many times. I didn't read every page of this book. I kind of just skimmed. Many sections simply had no application to my life. Much of the book is in letter format, which I enjoyed, but I know many do not. My favorite part was when she included some observations made by a daycare worker. She watched the parents who came to pick up their children. The children who tended to have behavior problems also tended to have parents who seemed preoccupied or annoyed when coming to pick up their kids. The well-behaved children were the ones who had parents who beamed when they saw their children. The ones who truly seemed to adore the children... also had happier and more well-behaved children. So interesting. It seems that perhaps the greatest gift we can give our kids is simply to love them and show them that we love them.

[Kat · Rating 3 out of 5]

Please note, I write these reviews for fun, and for the people on my list. So these are very personal and probably not universal reviews unless you intersect with me in some way on a personal level.

I liked it, but would have preferred a more distilled version with more specifics. I read through gleaning bits. As always, I enjoy her manner of address. But it wasn't quite what I needed as a guide. I'm seeking some more etiquette books for the boys and I'd like ones that they can read too, with specific guidelines outside of "say please and thank you." Things we work on in our house, not crossing between two people who are talking. How to listen to adult conversation at a formal dinner or gathering and when to ask questions. What is the appropriateness of using their screened devices and when. How to order in a restaurant, how to ask for help or directions, etc. Would love any referrals.

[Delos · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a child, I was forced to sit and read the relevant chapter from this book before attending important events (including my own). By the time I was a young adult, I had racked up dozens of instances where I was grateful for having done so. By the time I was an adult, about a million.

As a child, I was just learning the 'rules' from reading this - going back to consult it again and again when I was slightly older, I started to appreciate the wry humor with which she delivered her advice on every helpful topic.

[Hanna · Rating 5 out of 5]

I LOVE Miss Manners!!!! She is brilliant and hilarious, and has a very sharp way of cutting through the crap some people write in with (I admit I skip the essays to get to the letters from her "gentle readers").

[Karen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Poorly organized, her own personal diatribe, includes admonishment that lactating moms should pump in a public restroom and never ever nurse in public. The seventies called and need you back...scram!

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love her sense of humor and her wit in her responses to reader questions. There are also essays throughout the book on topics within each chapter. Not so much a list of rules, as guidelines to practice over a lifetime.

[Donna Davis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of course this book can't really do what it says, but Judith Martin is a kick in the pants, and her amusing ideas are useful. Reading something that has been written with a wry sense of humor may take some of the pressure off first-time parents (and others).

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was so funny. There were plenty of pages earmarked by the time I was through - some for laughs and giggles and others in earnest because it was excellent advice. Thanks for lending it to me, Melody!

[Cyndie · Rating 4 out of 5]

The most charming, funny, and useful book out there.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This woman's column in the Dispatch cracks me up!

[Vanessa]

A pediatrician wrote an op-ed piece in the New York Times this week, and he said this was his favorite parenting manual. I figure it's worth checking out.

[Stephanie]

didn't like this book. It wasn't what I was expecting

[Shaheen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Miss Manners is always entertaining, but I didn't find this book as relevant as I had hoped. I prefer her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior.

[Maia · Rating 1 out of 5]

I generally like Miss Manner's style, but not her parenting advice. Clearly she only has experience with perfect children, not real ones.

[Kelly Schooler · Rating 4 out of 5]

By turns hilarious and thoughtful, Miss Manners guides us to civility with her tongue often planted firmly in her cheek..a fun read!

[J · Rating 3 out of 5]

More research for our impending little one ... read sporadically in the evenings. Skipped the monologues.

[Tuckova · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would have been lost without Miss Manners.