Alright, this book was filled with gold nuggets. If I were to paste in my copious amount of notes, I'd probably violate copyrights for the book. It has been around eight months since reading this book, and while the delay of the review is was not at all because of procrastination, the review will benefit from me having experimented with what is in the book. Woho.
The book is essentially a Taoist perspective on how to master your sexuality as a man, mainly through the omission of ejaculation, to experience wilder and better orgasms. Yes, you read that right. You, as a man, can have orgasms without ejaculating, thus have more sexual pleasure.
One typical praise is that by omitting ejaculation, you can have as much sex as you want. You can control it, instead of "it" controlling you. I think for the majority of guys, the hardness of their dick becomes the bottleneck of their sex lives, and if you remove that bottleneck, well, you can have so much more sex and you don't need to worry about your dick so much. Sounds great until she gets mad at you for never ejaculating.
None of the testimonials said anything about the weird side-effects of doing this with another human being with their own needs. Anyway, moving on.
Part of the book is not only to stop ejaculating to have more sex but have more powerful and fulfilling orgasms. Some which are allegedly healthier. The idea here is that you don't really indulge in spicy fantasy or pornography, but you are using it as a meditation to deeply connect with your body and subtle sexual energies. So the idea is instead of a compulsive sexual behavior to ejaculate quickly, you are spending up to 30 minutes or 60 minutes just embracing sexual energy and letting the orgasm happen if it may.
Orgasms vary so much they ought not to be called the same thing. One is merely a leakage of fluid, like taking a piss with erotic stimulus (mental, digital, or otherwise psycho-visual) and a sense of relief, and another is a whole-body sensation, your whole body lights up like a Christmas tree, reaching every branch of your nervous system, even your toenail has a tiny orgasm. The former "orgasm" makes you feel empty afterward, the latter actually enlivens you, ("despite") ejaculating too. This really spits in the face of part of the no fap or semen retention community that says any orgasm or ejaculating is intrinsically draining you.
I don't have any scientific papers at hand, but as someone who is more than averagely concerned with omission of ejaculation and men's sexual health, I do think that the Christmas tree orgasm is actually healthy and vitalizing, and when I tried it, it genuinely felt like a wholesome experience rather than the post-fap depression, lethargy, and shame. The book references an old Taoist belief that orgasms make you live longer. Having had strong orgasms like this, my intuition tells me they're probably right. Having said that, I am actually ambivalent about recommending it.
The problem is that it takes some repetition on the slippery ice before you actually realize you're falling, and once you've fallen, it's hard to get back up, so it's better to just stay on your feet. Due to the expediency and the way our brain works (efficiency, dopamine...), it's actually really hard in practice to maintain a healthy masturbatory habit in the long term, and in my experience, it's just easier and healthier in the long run to just abstain. If I were to give advice, I'd just try the exercises and see how you feel afterward, but be wary that if you're successfully abstaining from masturbation, starting to do these exercises might open Pandora's box and can lead you into the trenches of battling compulsive masturbation, in case you're predisposed for that type of thing.
Orgasms
So. Ejaculations and orgasms are two different things. Ejaculation is a release of cum from your penis, and an orgasm is primarily a neurological event. We associate them as the same thing because they happen in a very short time span together. Experimenting with the advice in the book, I've experienced myself that the orgasm happens prior to the ejaculation, and thus confirmed for myself that the ejaculation is unnecessary.
But why should we quit ejaculation? The theory is you're able to have orgasms and still continue to make love, you won't lose your erection from an orgasm, but your prowess will be diminished from an ejaculation. Second, there seems to be a serious drainage of a man's vitality, not only sexual but overall after an ejaculation.
There is an ancient idea that sperm is connected with a man's life force, and I kind of buy that idea; it relates deeply to my personal experience. But I'm not entirely convinced that's the entire story. I followed the advice of the book, did the kegel exercises, and then I tried to masturbate and stop the ejaculation using the now super strong pelvic floor muscles and pressing on the spot between the anus and the root of the penis to stop the emission of cum. And voila, I managed to stop an ejaculation that was actually beyond the point of no return. Cool! But I still feel as though the sexual energy vaporized. My erection was not able to just bounce back up again. It was as if I had actually come, despite no cum leaving my physical body. I believe the cum is kind of washed away into the urinary tract and gets absorbed into general-purpose stuff. I don't think it just goes straight back into the balls, or wherever they are stored as masculine prowess. Even though the raw materials don't leave the boundaries of the physical body, I think there is some vitality loss in the recycling and "reproduction" of the semen. And despite being allegedly an ancient practice, it doesn't feel entirely healthy to do this, my gut tells me. Maybe I'm not doing it right. At least nothing got stuck in a fan.
...
As the body prepares for ejaculation, your testicles are pulled into the body - you can pull the testicles down away, which is an age-old method for giving you some breathing room.
Speaking of which, ejaculation is deeply coupled with your breath. Holding the breath will lead you to cum, whereas taking in the oxygen will delay it. This is partly why suffocation helps with orgasms. If you're not that close, you hold your breath to calm the circulation of the sexual energy, which delays ejaculation. Complicated stuff.
Breathing is connected to heart rate, both of which are related to orgasm. If you want to orgasm faster, increase the rate of breathing; if you want to delay it, deliberately take steps to slow down your breathing, e.g., box breathing. Five seconds out, five in, hold five. Repeat.
As Mantak Chia points out, if you breathe shallowly, stopping at the chest, you're prone to premature ejaculation. Not only that, but your orgasms will be weak too. From Wilhelm Reich, to Alexander Lowen, to David Deida, to Mantak Chia, to Paul Chek, all of these learned men agree that the breath, and the free flow of breathing, especially deep breathing, is the key to better, stronger orgasms and durability in sex. While love conquers all, simply making a habit to breathe through the nose into your stomach may do wonders for your sex life. Yoga, despite not seeming very masculine, is actually an invaluable tool to become better in bed, not only for the energetic/oxygen flow, but regular practice guarantees a minimum viable level of looseness in the pelvic floor.
The cool thing about masturbating without any erotic elements is that you start to learn how things are wired together in the body since you really have to rely on the physical. The book talks about how touching certain spaces will release sexual energy, like the nipples and neck. Also, you can experiment with holding around your own neck and slightly pressing against the airways and see what happens with the sexual airways. I don't think there's actually a huge difference between men and women in terms of the subtle sexual energies and the different body parts and how it all fits together, so there's a lot to learn by self-experimentation.
"Choking" has garnered a lot of attention in the media lately, as if it's merely boys trying to mimic porn, to the harm of overly agreeable women. This goes to show that people haven't actually paid attention to the subtle sexual energies that are connected to different parts of the body, or have done any self-experimentation at all, whether that be men or women. Men tend to masturbate in terms of jackhammering themselves; I remember Louis C.K. made the joke that a man "intensely masturbating" is a tautology, since there's no way, for a man, of masturbating without furious intensity. Well, without erotic stimulation, real, virtual, or mental, brute force isn't actually all that useful in the long run, and you kind of have to seduce your body with gentle touch and mindfulness. I think that when you're doing this on yourself, it's a unique learning experience since the feedback loop is so tight, accurate, and immediate, instead of relying on "practice" with women.
Another point of interest is that I've noticed that moving sexual energy with my conscious attention is not entirely bullshit. When I'm close to orgasm, I can push myself over the edge simply by redirecting sexual energy down into my sex center, my balls, kind of, and then hold it there longer than I normally would, to facilitate the climax.
One thing they talked about is that men have different types of orgasms, like women. One is what they call penile orgasm, which is the conventional one, and then there's the prostate orgasm, that is triggered from stimulation of the perineum.
The body is connected sort of like electrical currents, where there is a non-physical field, a flow of energy. There is a flow of energy going up the spine, and down your belly, and with breath and directing your attention into it, you can start to tap into it and magnify it. As you get more adept at this, you can kind of move sexual energy around in your body, which is pretty neat. Feels like you are in control of it rather than it controlling you.
"You must learn to draw your sexual energy out of your genitals and to circulate it through the rest of your body to truly master the Taoist techniques for experiencing multiple and whole-body orgasms and for improving your health."
What I feel is missing from this book is the discussion on morality, more importantly, the battle with lust, for example. What I don't like is that the author presents this pursuit mainly as one of controlling the breath, energy, channeling, etc. All you have to do is use conscious awareness to move sexual energy about, and just simply drag your testicles away from your body to stop a premature ejaculation, do kegels, etc. But beyond the tip of the iceberg of practical tips, there exists a vast underworld of lust, psychological issues, and an entire realm of sexuality that is not appropriate to talk about in good company. Maybe the author and his prospects of testimonials cannot relate, but from my experience, it's really unrealistic. I think there's something much more going on than merely having the skillset of delaying ejaculation.
The reason why so few men become multi-orgasmic is not because it is technically difficult to do, but because we all wrestle with the devil, if you may. I really think that one of the greatest motivations to ejaculate is to dim the intensity of life itself. Buddha said that life is suffering, and it's true. Eros is at the core of our being. And Eros is suffering. The worm at the core of our lives is that we're never going to be satisfied. And worse, even if I get the object of desire, and fulfill the object of desire, what the erotic drive is after, it only grows. There is no escape, no satisfaction, we're all falling mid-air and there's no bottom.
To simply brush this under the carpet and pretend we're all good, and that sexuality is just about having orgasms and it's all rainbow and sunshine, coupled with not mentioning women's warranted dislike of abstaining from ejaculation, well, it's missing a big part of the story. Maybe we modern Westerners are just uniquely neurotic enough to appreciate sexual secrets of ancient Taoism, but I can't help but feel that authors such as Mantak Chia or David Deida could benefit from being more realistic and down to earth.
Chia believes that we Westerners have tried to suppress or sublimate our desires, and that this leads to physical and psychological imbalances. Perhaps the problematic part of sexuality stems from this fact. But the difficulty is that if we just give in to sexual arousal at any point and embrace it unquestioningly, well, we end up kind of washed away, don't we? The core issue with sex, at least for men, is that you're doomed if you do, doomed if you don't.
The author calls masturbation "self-cultivation," and feelings of arousal will result not in uncontrollable sexual urges, but in an energetic, calm sense of being.
Then he goes on to say that you can take up Tai Chi to help you ground and channel this additional energy. And that exercise, in general, will help you manage this additional energy. This leads me to question, what exactly is "additional energy" in this context? It's kind of strange rhetoric to criticize sex-negative Western sexual sublimation of sexual energy, yet embrace sex-positive Eastern "energetic reallocation" of "additional energy." I don't have much problem with using the ambiguous word "energy" unless you're using the ambiguity to sneak past difficult questions. It all seems to be he's describing the same phenomenon, with different words and attitudes based on the hemisphere of the globe.
Mantak Chia writes that "Cultivating your sexual energy into loving-kindness will also help you not to ejaculate; it is much more difficult to maintain control when you are feeling anger or impatience."
This seems like a typical Western form of sublimation, if not Freudian, then at least Platonic, in terms of Plato's ladder of Love. While to "Cultivate" is a beautiful verb, it still means that we're transforming sexual energy into something more preferable, thus, you could interpret this if not as sex-negative, then at least putting "sex" beneath "love."
If we were to assume Chia to have positive views of good ol' sex, we could interpret "cultivate" as something more akin to "color." That's at least the way I tend to see it. Sexual energy is often colored by other emotions, lust, love, anger, anxiety, impatience, kindness, etc. The way we express and eventually climax through the cultivation of these emotions fueled by sexual energy determines whether it will be a draining or fulfilling exercise.
Anyway, I think Chia is right. Loving-kindness helps you maintain stronger erections, orgasms, etc., and this fits in well with my thesis that there is actually no conflict between sexual pleasure and ethics; actually, they are reinforcing each other. C.S. Lewis wrote: "The old Christian teachers said that if man had never fallen, sexual pleasure, instead of being less than it is now, would actually have been greater."
Practical stuff:
Chia writes: "Women who have developed strong PC muscles can hold a man's penis in their vagina more tightly, increasing sensation for both partners."
Men can also develop their PC muscles to strengthen their erections, intensify orgasms, and it helps separate their orgasms from ejaculation. Mantak Chia pointed out you EXHALE during CONTRACTION, and INHALE when RELEASING. This was counter-intuitive from a weight-lifting background, but it works better. Chia suggested a benchmark for healthy PC muscles: you can raise and lower a towel with your erect penis by contracting the muscle.
As the book progresses, we're introduced to more advanced techniques, such as the Big Draw, where you can have a massive orgasm through visualizing sexual energy out of your penis, past your perineum, up your spine. I've tried it a little bit so far, and while I'm nowhere near having "Big Draw Energy," I've felt stronger orgasms as a result of aiming for the stars.
"... you need to open your heart and practice with a spirit of humility and loving-kindness, not arrogance and self-centeredness."
"The point of lovemaking is to make love, and from this love come pleasure and health; it is not about generating sexual energy for yourself or demonstrating your skill."
Important words! The most counter-productive thing you can do is identify yourself as a sex master and enter the bedroom as if it's a performance to validate your own ego or impress her. Don't think "how many orgasms can I give her," that will make things mechanical (a vibrator will always beat you on that front), but think "I want to express my love," that's how you have fulfilling sex. A man is immature if they brag about how many orgasms they "give" their women, as if it's a pissing contest or a reliable metric of performance.
Don't ask if a woman has orgasmed, or how many. I actually think you shouldn't pay any attention to her orgasms or lack thereof, except when it's obvious she's close, then don't just stop altogether (she'll get mad!). Don't give a woman a reason to fake an orgasm to please your ego. The way to satisfy women is that you do put in effort, you have to care, but you don't try. Yes, it's paradoxical, even contradictory, welcome to the world of women.
Random notes time:
After the sexual revolution, men lasted on average ten minutes in bed instead of two.
If a woman gets frequent infections, encourage her to urinate after having sex.
Intercourse during menstruation can relieve cramping. (useful backup argument!)
It's not a rare occurrence that women's strongest orgasm ever has been during masturbation. Ask a woman to masturbate in front of you to see what she actually likes. You can fast-forward all the unnecessary experimentation and get the correct answers just by looking at her do it. Don't forget to pay attention!
Soft entry: Despite popular belief, you don't need to have a steel erection before having intercourse. Enter soft, and it will function as a natural warmup.
Chia incorrectly says there is no way of permanently increasing the size of the penis, and refers to just good ol' channeling of sexual energy. But no, you can increase both the length and girth of the penis. For more information, I'd refer to the /r/gettingbigger subreddit.
In conclusion: I haven't really had the capacity, or interest, to try all of the things in the book. It was a bit of an information overload, and I think it deserves a second read at some point. There is a ton of practical information, with exactly how to do things, step by step.