Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change and What to Do about It

by Vivian Diller, Jill Muir-Sukenick (Contributor)

Intellectually, we understand aging. So why does the first wrinkle or gray hair send us into an emotional tailspin? As smart women who were raised to believe that success and happiness are based on intelligence and accomplishments, many of us never expected to feel this deeply about a seemingly superficial issue. But let's face it, we do! While individually we were taught that beauty is only skin deep, our youth-obsessed culture reinforces the notion that beauty is our currency, our power, and what makes us female. These conflicting messages leave many women feeling trapped in a web of confusion. Do we grow old naturally, since our looks don't define us, or do we fight the signs of aging, since beauty and youth are prized so dearly? As models turned psychotherapists, Vivian Diller, Ph.D., and Jill Muir-Sukenick, Ph.D., have had the opportunity to examine the world of beauty from two very different vantage points--one where looks are all-important, and the other where they are often viewed as irrelevant. This unique perspective helped them develop a six-step program that starts with recognizing "uh-oh" moments, examines the emotional impact of aging on self-image, and ends by suggesting innovative ways to approach beauty throughout life, so you can enjoy your appearance--at any age!

Genres: Nonfiction, Womens Studies

226 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2010

Reviews

[Lori · Rating 3 out of 5]

Most women won't tell you, up front, that it is a bitch when your looks start to go. But it is. This is the first premise of Face It. Our society treats personal appearance as a paradox. It is shallow and superficial to care about how we look. But it is also of the penultimate importance to look good...especially if you are a female and your currency is, even today, beauty.

Maybe the Smiths said it best: There is more to life than looks you know. But not much more...

Sad? Yes. But consider the very serious, well prepared and hard working women out there who are getting pink slipped, out sourced and 'right sized' faster than most adults over 40 can spell Khloe Kardashian. Meanwhile the world around us is saturated with marketing blitzes aimed at the Girls Gone Wild generation and we are relegated to late night info-mercials and the dread pharmaceutal shills. In America, you are what you are perceived to buy. And it gets dismal pretty quickly after midlife strikes.

Women hold these feelings inside because they are embarrassed...by the reflection they see in the mirror and by their reaction to that image. And it comes out in depression, reckless acting out, lethargy or anger.

Another point the authors make is that the moment when you perceive that your looks have Jumped the Shark is very similar to the onset of puberty. Your body and your emotions are going through major changes. You are powerless to stop it. You feel out of control sometimes. And this time you are the grown up. So you have to keep it together and remain outwardly nonplussed. There are no guidance counselors, mentoring programs and after school specials aimed at the crisis of midlife/menopause/getting old.

So the work you do must be internal. This book is a starting point for an internal dialogue with yourself. What is your inner voice telling you about the way you look now? (Generally it is not kind.) Who and what shaped your attitudes about physical beauty? How well did you navigate adolescence? What can you do to inspire yourself to look and feel your best as you age? Questions worth contemplating at any age.

The Second Adolescence idea resonated with me. Adolescence, for me, was all about redefining who I was as an individual...finding the courage to break away from the pack (albeit belatedly) and forge my own sense of style. I am excited by the idea of midlife as second opportunity to create a new look for myself, to take the best care of my physical self ever and to give my daughter a positive example of getting older.

I am not immune from the sway of our culture. I might never be able to stop the bad habit of ripping on myself for being the oldest mom I know. I realize my days of walking into a club and catching men staring at me are over. I am grateful for my protracted gawky stage as a teen. Now that I am approaching the other side of the mirror of life, I honor that geeky girl and realize that the personality I developed outside of my awkward physical appearance back then will be my best asset now. I am also grateful that I enjoyed my own youth and had a Camelot Era in my early 20s when I felt pretty. I wish everyone had great memories like that. Thus, what the authors had to say about dignity and avoiding jealousy of the young matters to me.

We had our heyday. Let us allow the young women to enjoy theirs. And let's work on having a satisfying and happy Second Act for ourselves.

[Lynne Spreen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this as research for my blog, which focuses on women (primarily middle-aged and older)and how they are dealing with aging. Dr. Diller (who coauthors the book with Jill Muir-Sukenick, PhD.), who blogs for the Huffington Post, was a professional model before going back to school and earning certification as a psychotherapist. She talks about the psychological effects on women of aging, especially the "beauty paradox" (we're smart enough and old enough to know that how we look shouldn't matter, but it does, and we can't help but be anxious about it). From the book I learned some basic and important concepts, such as noticing that we women tend to think aging is somehow "our fault", and that we use a variety of "masks" (from behavior to beliefs) to hide the fact of aging (i.e. "mortality") from ourselves. A worthy read.

[Mary BookHounds · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ever feel like you are still 20-30 years old and then you look in the mirror and wonder, "where the heck did this face come from"? With culture in the US, especially with all of the reality shows like the Real Housewives, magazines telling us why we should get that face life now and being pounded day after day with the necessity for a youthful face, it is amazing any of us can even get out of bed each day. This is the right book at the right time for women my age. The book provides 6 steps for you to work through your own phobias about what your look like and how to accept it. I really recommend this book to any one having these issues and if you are a woman of a certain age, I bet just like me, you are having these thoughts!

[a slow reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

i feel like i'm ahead of the curve, having read this at 24!

[K · Rating 3 out of 5]

I wouldn’t be telling the truth if I said this book didn’t help me somewhat - that‘s the reason I gave it as much as 3 stars, but I just didn’t enjoy it, it felt long and drawn out, however this is only my feeling as I clicked with the message quite early on in the book and there may well be some who would need the more drawn out reading etc to get the message. If you are really struggling with ageing then certainly give it a go, it might help!

[Emily Braaten · Rating 2 out of 5]

PROFESSIONAL READING: This book inspects the emotional turmoil women experience as they age and adjust to a changing appearance. I was expecting exploration of the societal construct of beauty but was disappointed to find a completely introspective take on the its significance (although I'm told that's because the two authors are trained psychoanalysts). The case studies offered were long but varied in the types women featured.

[Nancy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really loved this book. It is not a book about about staying beautiful nor is it a book full of trite pop psychology mantra about how beauty is within. The truth is that we do possess inner beauty but in this culture, our outer beauty is still important.

The authors have an incredible insight on the psychological effects of women aging. As a former beautiful co-ed turned middle age suburban housewife/professional counselor/mother, I couldn't agree more with the authors take on beauty and the aging woman. We go through an "Uh-oh" moment and thus begins our journey. For me it was when the cute guy flirted shamelessly and I realized his target was my little girl. Little meaning 14 years old and 5'7".

The authors' approach to the aging process is to resolve the beauty paradox. Through specific steps and anecdotal evidence based on their combined years of private practice, the authors guide the reader through the process. Frankly, the steps could be used for any life altering event.

Step 1. Turn Uh-Oh moments into Ah-ha moments.
Step 2. The only mask you wear should be made of honey and yogurt. Essentially, aging is not a dirty word. Come out of hiding and accept the outer self you are becoming
Step 3. Talk back to your internal dialogues. What is the message you are hearing in your head? Reframe it.
Step 4. Give Mom her due. Take the best of her and leave the rest behind. Her aging process is not the same as your own. The cultural experiences are different. It's not your mother's fault. Or your father's. Or your own. Again, reframe the experience.
Step 5. Use adolescent memories instead of repeating them. Remember how awkward we felt growing into our bodies and fashions? Avoid the impulsive decisions we made back then.
Step 6. Saying Goodbye is hard to do. But saying goodbye to something is the first step to saying hello to another.

The authors provide excellent and personal insight into the journey of the aging woman. The aging woman can be anybody from 23 to 93. The authors are really guiding the reader in accepting any kind of change that is difficult.

Highly recommend this book to anybody - but especially the woman of any age going through tumult due to aging, infidelity of either partner, illness, etc.

[Ashley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not the advice I was hoping for...

If I'm honest, my parents didn't prepare me to grow old. I have no idea how to accept aging and have only ever been told to put up the good fight against what I know to be inevitable.

I was hoping for insight in how to age gracefully. Instead, I found a book that sounded as though it was written by a pretty woman exacting revenge on those who shunned beauty in the past. The stories themselves are well told and interest enough, but the book pushes a concern for looks. I felt as though every story ended with "see! you do care about how you look!"

Can't say I would recommend this to anyone looking for answers only camaraderie in that other women care too.

[Mandie · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I first received the book I thought "Great, these models are going to tell me how I'm suppose to find myself beautiful. These beautiful women have no idea how I feel." Once again, I was wrong. Yes, that happens a lot doesn't it. These models are now psychotherapists.
I'm not vain but I have been suffering with aging. I'm a 33 yr old mom of 2 girls and frankly I look NOTHING like I did at 25. My hubby thinks I'm a hot mama but I still have issues with aging. This book has shown me that beauty evolves as we age, into something more realistic.
Sorry, I'm never going to look like that 21yr old that has never had kids.
The book also shows you how to take care of yourself emotionally.

[Wendy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Many women have enjoyed this book. I found it a waste of time. Like most self help books it contains dozens of "case studies" you may or may not relate to (most of the book) then some steps to go through to change your thinking. Like most self help books the advice offers nothing new or useful - its just packaged differently.

[Shelie · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great book that explores the mixed messages our culture gives women about aging. Written by 2 supermodels turned Psychologists who explore the questions that models go through at age 25 when they are aging out of their careers and the rest of go through at some point. Very enlightening.

[Melissa Therkleson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found some of the information in this book helpful, but felt like the book finished before it provided a satisfying conclusion.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really useful tool to help work through a difficult topic.

[Kris Kettering · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not bad, but loaded with small grammatical errors. I was so focused on that, and the fact that the authors stated they were "former models" way too many times, that I didn't get much out of it.