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Go Toward the Light
"Not since Death Be Not Proud has there been such a powerful story about a child's death. It moved me to tears." -- Rabbi Harold S. Kushner
246 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 1988
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
August 7, 2018
A definite 4 1/2. I read this in READER'S DIGEST ages ago, and it was so good to have the whole story.
October 22, 2008
This book may be difficult to find. I read it over twenty years ago but it's affect has stayed with me. It is the true story of how a family copes with the impending death of their young son, Ben. The way the mother helps her son come to terms with where he is going after death taught me so much about strength and faith. The courage and grace that Ben displays as he deals with his illness moved me. The love demonstrated by the entire family was inspiring. This book left footprints on my heart. I often cry when moved by writing. However, this was the only book I have ever read where I had to have someone read aloud the last chapter. I literally couldn't read it because I couldn't see through my tears. I just sobbed. I hope people will have the courage to read it. It was well worth the tears.
October 19, 2007
This is a deeply disturbing book..
It is the true story of the Oyler family who's oldest son, Ben, a hemophilic. Ben was diagnosed in 1985 with AIDS, contracted from a blood infusion. He had been given at least two dozen transfusions of highly concentrated factor a year and each transfusion contained the blood of at least two thousand donors.. That meant Ben had been exposed to the blood of more than 48,000 people since he had been born.. One, or more of them, had AIDS.. Ben could have been exposed to the virus some time prior and it had just been dormant until then, since the factor had been heat treated only for two years and Ben was seven, he could have been exposed as a baby..given Factor V11 (clotting factor) for bleeding
The book is about that traumatic year, their struggle with his eventual death - a little over a year after his diagnosis.. Their other 2 sons also had hemophilia.. and the Mother is PG with another child.. The toll it takes on their marriage, the family, their faith.. (They are LDS) . The ravages of the disease in 1985, when no one survived AIDS..
What a sad and horrible story..
But.. as the title suggests.. They believe in going toward the light and that they will be together again in heaven.
June 18, 2011
i never cried, hoped and prayed so much while reading a book. till to the last page i prayed for a miracle to happen so ben could be safed. reading this book it was inevitable to develop a strong sympathy for the family. A story of a mother and the family coping with the upcoming death of their son.
January 19, 2016
Powerful book. A must read.
April 17, 2019
It's been 31+ years since Chris Oyler's son Ben died from AIDS related complications. The thing of it is though, regardless of what any 'CHILD' dies from, it's inevitably a parents WORST waking nightmare.
The one saving grace for the Oyler family seemed to be that despite how their young son's physical body was slowly 'shrinking' away from them, they got to witness how very much his young soul grew by leaps and bounds. Their 'hearts' were able to 'take a picture' of that. It helped sustain them through those very difficult months from his diagnosis until his passing.
A thought-provoking, heart wrenching story told in the most simplest of words, as only a mother could think to convey. I would gather that it was a form of therapy for Chris Oyler to write down all of those whirlwind of emotions that she and her husband and extended family went through during the last year of their young son's life. A year filed with so much pain and agony(both physical and emotional). Oddly enough though through all of that misery she and her young family got something that they needed. Something they needed more than anything. TIME. Time to learn from their young son how to be brave, how to make the best times of their lives out of their darkest days. They were all given just enough time to see their spiritual sides grow. They took every little odd piece of time and every tiny bright moment they could find and tried to make something beautiful out of it all. For so many of us it's quite difficult to find the beauty ahead of us while we're in the darkness.
It struck me about half way through this book that we as humans are always doing what we can to make our living worthwhile in whichever way we see fit BUT there's no way that all of that 'living' can ever prepare any of us for dying. Not really. Right?!? There's a recognition of sorts, that in order to gain something, we often have to give up something even greater than what we gained.
This was a beautiful book about a very sad story. I'll be honest and say that there were perpetual tears for the last 40 of the 246 pages. It was well worth the tears I might add. Indeed, not a very long book to cover the last year of someone's life but the thing is, a person's life, regardless of how short lived it is, will always live on in the hearts and minds of those who loved that LIFE long after the physical body is gone. All that energy and love cannot vanish without a trace. I have to say, the love demonstrated by this entire family was inspiring.
So many difficult but beautiful lessons during this journey for this family. Lessons full of faith and hope. I could only ever hope to approach any challenges that my family may encounter just as valiantly.
I would imagine back in the day when AIDS first came into the light, that a book like this could have helped make people better understand it and what it was all about. Maybe even help them to understand the human side to it which was especially ignored.
All in all, I thought this book, written by an average American Mom just trying to come to terms with having lost a son so tragically to an awful disease, was amazingly well done. Despite the outpouring of all of the darkest moments during most of the book, by the time Ben was Go(ing) Towards The Light, Chris Oyler manage to perfectly guide us through that agonizing part of her life. She managed to give me, the reader, closure ... even when it seems time skips a beat, once the clock resumes ticking ... those left behind go on living ... but nothing is ever really the same again.
The one saving grace for the Oyler family seemed to be that despite how their young son's physical body was slowly 'shrinking' away from them, they got to witness how very much his young soul grew by leaps and bounds. Their 'hearts' were able to 'take a picture' of that. It helped sustain them through those very difficult months from his diagnosis until his passing.
A thought-provoking, heart wrenching story told in the most simplest of words, as only a mother could think to convey. I would gather that it was a form of therapy for Chris Oyler to write down all of those whirlwind of emotions that she and her husband and extended family went through during the last year of their young son's life. A year filed with so much pain and agony(both physical and emotional). Oddly enough though through all of that misery she and her young family got something that they needed. Something they needed more than anything. TIME. Time to learn from their young son how to be brave, how to make the best times of their lives out of their darkest days. They were all given just enough time to see their spiritual sides grow. They took every little odd piece of time and every tiny bright moment they could find and tried to make something beautiful out of it all. For so many of us it's quite difficult to find the beauty ahead of us while we're in the darkness.
It struck me about half way through this book that we as humans are always doing what we can to make our living worthwhile in whichever way we see fit BUT there's no way that all of that 'living' can ever prepare any of us for dying. Not really. Right?!? There's a recognition of sorts, that in order to gain something, we often have to give up something even greater than what we gained.
This was a beautiful book about a very sad story. I'll be honest and say that there were perpetual tears for the last 40 of the 246 pages. It was well worth the tears I might add. Indeed, not a very long book to cover the last year of someone's life but the thing is, a person's life, regardless of how short lived it is, will always live on in the hearts and minds of those who loved that LIFE long after the physical body is gone. All that energy and love cannot vanish without a trace. I have to say, the love demonstrated by this entire family was inspiring.
So many difficult but beautiful lessons during this journey for this family. Lessons full of faith and hope. I could only ever hope to approach any challenges that my family may encounter just as valiantly.
I would imagine back in the day when AIDS first came into the light, that a book like this could have helped make people better understand it and what it was all about. Maybe even help them to understand the human side to it which was especially ignored.
All in all, I thought this book, written by an average American Mom just trying to come to terms with having lost a son so tragically to an awful disease, was amazingly well done. Despite the outpouring of all of the darkest moments during most of the book, by the time Ben was Go(ing) Towards The Light, Chris Oyler manage to perfectly guide us through that agonizing part of her life. She managed to give me, the reader, closure ... even when it seems time skips a beat, once the clock resumes ticking ... those left behind go on living ... but nothing is ever really the same again.
February 16, 2012
What would you do if you knew your child were going to die? The Oyler family, who had three sons with hemophilia, had to face that very decision when their oldest son, Ben was diagnosed with AIDS, contracted as a result of some infected factor he received at some point in his short life. Through Ben's illnesses and hospitalizations, and trying to still provide for and raise a young family, the Oylers learned how to cope with so many difficult questions: how do we tell our son he's going to die? How do we prepare our other children for a life without their brother? How do we let our son go? With faith and love, the Oylers learn some difficult but beautiful lessons during their journey. This true story is heart-wrenching but full of faith and hope. I only hope I can approach the challenges in my life just as valiantly.
This is the third book I've read in just a few months that deal with death and the life after this one. It's been a wonderful and beautiful learning experience for me.
This is the third book I've read in just a few months that deal with death and the life after this one. It's been a wonderful and beautiful learning experience for me.
February 21, 2016
I was perhaps 12 or 13 when I read this book, in a version of The Reader's Digest (in the Netherlands). I couldn't stop crying, not even after rereading it and I often did. I never forgot this story.
It was the early '90s. Aids was just beginning to become less taboo as a topic in society. More knowledge about this disease was becoming available. This book helped making people understand it better, the human side to it which was especially ignored.
There was one sentence which really touched me, but I forgot the exact quote. It was about enjoying the good days and hoping for better ones during the bad days.
It was the early '90s. Aids was just beginning to become less taboo as a topic in society. More knowledge about this disease was becoming available. This book helped making people understand it better, the human side to it which was especially ignored.
There was one sentence which really touched me, but I forgot the exact quote. It was about enjoying the good days and hoping for better ones during the bad days.
February 11, 2017
I read this book more than 25 years ago. It is a story that has stayed with me. I thought it was well written and I remember having tears stream down my face as I read it. This book is one I will never forget. I have it if anyone wants to borrow it.
"There's a word for a woman whose husband has died: widow. Why, I wonder, isn't there a term for a woman whose child has died? I suppose because you never stop being a mother... even when your child is gone. You carried that child inside you, and you participated in the miracle of life when that child was born. And you know that all that energy and love cannot vanish without a trace."
"There's a word for a woman whose husband has died: widow. Why, I wonder, isn't there a term for a woman whose child has died? I suppose because you never stop being a mother... even when your child is gone. You carried that child inside you, and you participated in the miracle of life when that child was born. And you know that all that energy and love cannot vanish without a trace."
April 24, 2012
One of my all time favorites! It is the true story of Ben, a seven year old boy with hemophilia, who contracts aids through a blood infusion. All this happens when aids was still new, and not much was known about it. It is written by Ben's mother, and tells how Ben and his family dealt with his diagnosis from the begining to the end. It is extremely touching, and will have you laughing one minute, and reaching for the tissues the next.
July 5, 2007
This book is about a little boy who got Aids through a blood transfusion in the early 80's. His mother wrote about their story and the family struggles are sad, beautiful, and inspiring. They actually made it into a TV movie. An easy read...but lessons for all are in this book.
August 11, 2008
This book is the memoir of a mother whose child died of AIDS (which he got through a blood transfusion). Very heartfelt, touching book. However, I read this a long time ago. I may not like it as much anymore today, but from what I remember it was pretty good.
January 12, 2015
I cried and cried through this book...the story of a mom losing her first born son. It was beautifully written though, and good to see how both she and her family survived and thrived through one of the most difficult things--the loss of a child. I really enjoyed this book.
September 14, 2017
When I first read this book I really loved it (4 stars).
I tried to reread it to see if I still enjoyed it but unfortunately I could not finish it and I stopped early on. I will lower the rating to 3 stars and leave it as read.
I tried to reread it to see if I still enjoyed it but unfortunately I could not finish it and I stopped early on. I will lower the rating to 3 stars and leave it as read.
Read
May 14, 2008I've read this book at least 5 times. I love it. It's a mother's story about her 8 year old son who is diagnosed with AIDS and how she and her family cope with his dieing.
July 23, 2008
Of course this book has a special place in my heart!
October 24, 2008
Very touching story. I watched the movie growing up many times.
January 26, 2009
This book was recommended by my friend who had known this family. It was very inspirational how they drew closer to God and each other as they went down the road of losing a child.
August 10, 2010
This is definitely a book that I sobbed over. I briefly met the author, since I was good friends with her nephew. The story is a combination of heart-breaking and inspiring to overcome trials.
Read
August 11, 2011I've read this book when I was still in College. Made me cry.
April 7, 2020
this is truly a heartbreaking story. i have read this for like, twenty or so times and it never fails to make me cry.
December 30, 2013
Very touching story !
February 2, 2014
Truly a moving story. A must read
May 30, 2014
The actual story of our Bishop's family . . incredible. Heart-breaking and heart-warming.
December 2, 2016
Cried until my eyes were swollen shut.
January 18, 2018
Later on, I watch the lifetime television movie about this family dealing with HIV. I like the book so much better.
May 22, 2016
I cried through the reading of this book. A sad but beautifully written book.
March 26, 2017
it is a great book based on reality describing very nicely the relationships between members of family struggling with AIDS.
November 3, 2017
The is the best, heart touching, tear jerking book I have ever read. I reread it periodically and it never fails to move me.
November 18, 2024
When I was growing up, one of my grandmothers had a huge collection of Reader's Digests, and the condensed books. As a voracious reader, I read them all the time when I went over there, and she gave me many to take home. I also read (not bragging, just is) far above my grade level. As a result, I read some things as a kid that probably held too many heavy topics (i.e. the "I am Joe's _______ (insert organ here)" series, the stories of people narrowly escaping death, etc.). This was one story I read as a young girl that stuck with me, and I've re read it a few times as an adult. I was delighted to find, several years ago, this book in its' entirety. I don't like condensed books as a general rule (I prefer to "edit" them myself), and the full book is well worth reading.
The story is a true, autobiographical account of the Oyler family, living in California: Chris, Grant, Ben, Aber, Beau, and later, baby Danny., drawn from mom Chris's journals, and the story is told largely from her point of view and/or in her "voice", but it's obvious Grant had input as well, and the boys.
The story begins around 1985. The Oyler family's 3 boys are hemophiliacs, and at the time, treatment for hemophilia was blood product taken at home. This was considered advanced, as they no longer had to go to the hospital for a transfusion with every bleed. Despite this, the boys lead active, healthy, normal lives as children.
In 1985, AIDS/HIV and how it was transmitted was not well known. The world would learn of Ryan White, a young boy with AIDS in the USA (Oddly , I read about Ben in this book long before I knew about Ryan), who was barred from entering school and entered the public sphere as they fought for his inclusion. Most people thought the virus affected only/mainly affected gay men. Stereotypes about the disease abounded, such as catching the virus from using a water fountain or toilet seat. Being a child during this time, I remember a lot of that. My first real memory of hearing of AIDS was all the telephone-style rumours I heard on the playground, and seeing Rock Hudson dying of AIDS in capital letters on supermarket tabloids. I remember the panic and fear. Thankfully, my mother was logical and told me all that she knew to be accurate from health sources at the time.
But, back to the book.
Sometime in 1985, Ben comes down with what they think is the stomach flu during a family reunion. When it doesn't go away, the doctor finds he has a parasite and prescribes antibiotics. Ben is hospitalized for tests when they still can't cure the infection or get to the bottom of it. Shockingly, the family is told at the hospital that Ben has AIDS, and likely has only about a year to live. He contracted the virus via the blood product he needed to take for his hemophilia, as the blood was not as rigorously screened or treated as it is now when Ben got the virus. (Later in the book, one of Ben's brothers is afraid he will also get AIDS from the blood product, and the parents explain that it's now heat treated.). The family is tested, thankfully no one else has the virus. The boys were especially at risk, having taken the same blood product for years. Ben is the oldest, so chances are he was the one most at risk as he likely took the product before it was as treated and screened as it would be later.
The family's courage and dedication to keeping life as normal as possible for all the boys is amazing. Chris helps Ben to make a list of things to look forward to, and they explain AIDS as a virus and that no one knows much about it, as the hospital had never seen a boy with AIDS before. At one point,. Ben sees a horrible news story where someone is saying AIDS is a punishment for gay men. Ben asks about this and about what "gay" means, and the family's response is commendable; they explain that it's a virus like a cold, and he doesn't think God punishes him for a cold, right? They say those people are mistaken. They explain "gay" as when two men (I don't think they covered female relationships) love each other the way his parents do, but that their church teaches that love is only for a husband and wife, a man/woman. Ben is satisfied with this response.
The church comment is because the family are devout, active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or "Mormons". Considering Mormons adhere to very strict codes of behaviour, especially when it comes to sex, this response was pretty enlightened- especially in light of the fact that it was 1985 and both parents seemed to have lived very sheltered lives and married quite young. The only time a taint of homophobia comes about is when the parents are out to dinner, and Chris sees 2 men being openly affectionate and has to leave, as she's trying to get her mind away from AIDS for the night and this reminds her. It's cringe worthy to read, but remember the context (not that that makes it ok).
When I read the book as an 80s kid that wasn't religious, my knowledge of Mormons was limited to those TV commercials (remember? Even child Alphonso Ribiero makes an appearance!) and the young men in white shirts with black name tags that went door to door. This book helped to teach me a little about their faith and culture. Granted, it's shown in the best possible light, but it's still nicely done. The book isn't at all preachy or holier than thou, it simply shows that their faith is interwoven into their every day lives, and forms a big part of their support system. It also helps them with Ben's inevitable death, as a big cornerstone of Mormon teaching is that "families are forever" and they will be together again in the eternities .Mormons are notoriously family oriented and have a lot of support within their church communities , and in this case, that's a huge help to the family crisis.
In the midst of all of this stress, Chris is pregnant. She's also only 29. (I remember thinking that was "So old" when I first read the book!). She's being asked to go into totally unchartered waters here, and while the family obviously mourns and struggles, they manage to keep the family strong and to support Ben.
The school board chooses not to admit Ben to Grade 4 , and the family doesn't fight it as they want to protect their privacy. (That's why little was known about the Oylers until after Ben's death, when they did a couple of interviews, and then this book and the eventual TV movie that was based on it.). They had seen the circus that surrounded the White family and didn't want that for themselves. By then, Ben was sadly so sick that he couldn't attend school regularly, anyhow.
A teaching moment and foreshadowing is the discussion of Ben's friend, Jessica. Jessica has cancer and Ben wants to get together to play with her on his list. He never gets the chance, as Jessica sadly passes away. Chris explains about heaven and how Jessica will be there. While they never explicitly tell Ben he is dying, he seems to innately know that the lessons about death and the afterlife are for him.
I don't cry easily, but several parts of this book made me choke up. Now that I'm a Mom, they completely broke my heart in a new way; when Ben is diagnosed. when Ben has a seizure and wants to "go home" (heaven, as explained to him like going home), when Ben is dying and Chris tells him to "go toward the light" and that it will be just a "twinkling of an eye" til they are all together again), when they ask his Grandpa to make his coffin, using the station wagon for his final ride. I could go on and on.
The book is touching, beautiful, and heartfelt. It could move even the stoniest of hearts. It's also a good reminder of the limited knowledge, fear, and unfortunate attitudes surrounding AIDS back in these times for those who don't remember (not from the family, from the schools/newscasts etc). This is a remarkable family.
The story is a true, autobiographical account of the Oyler family, living in California: Chris, Grant, Ben, Aber, Beau, and later, baby Danny., drawn from mom Chris's journals, and the story is told largely from her point of view and/or in her "voice", but it's obvious Grant had input as well, and the boys.
The story begins around 1985. The Oyler family's 3 boys are hemophiliacs, and at the time, treatment for hemophilia was blood product taken at home. This was considered advanced, as they no longer had to go to the hospital for a transfusion with every bleed. Despite this, the boys lead active, healthy, normal lives as children.
In 1985, AIDS/HIV and how it was transmitted was not well known. The world would learn of Ryan White, a young boy with AIDS in the USA (Oddly , I read about Ben in this book long before I knew about Ryan), who was barred from entering school and entered the public sphere as they fought for his inclusion. Most people thought the virus affected only/mainly affected gay men. Stereotypes about the disease abounded, such as catching the virus from using a water fountain or toilet seat. Being a child during this time, I remember a lot of that. My first real memory of hearing of AIDS was all the telephone-style rumours I heard on the playground, and seeing Rock Hudson dying of AIDS in capital letters on supermarket tabloids. I remember the panic and fear. Thankfully, my mother was logical and told me all that she knew to be accurate from health sources at the time.
But, back to the book.
Sometime in 1985, Ben comes down with what they think is the stomach flu during a family reunion. When it doesn't go away, the doctor finds he has a parasite and prescribes antibiotics. Ben is hospitalized for tests when they still can't cure the infection or get to the bottom of it. Shockingly, the family is told at the hospital that Ben has AIDS, and likely has only about a year to live. He contracted the virus via the blood product he needed to take for his hemophilia, as the blood was not as rigorously screened or treated as it is now when Ben got the virus. (Later in the book, one of Ben's brothers is afraid he will also get AIDS from the blood product, and the parents explain that it's now heat treated.). The family is tested, thankfully no one else has the virus. The boys were especially at risk, having taken the same blood product for years. Ben is the oldest, so chances are he was the one most at risk as he likely took the product before it was as treated and screened as it would be later.
The family's courage and dedication to keeping life as normal as possible for all the boys is amazing. Chris helps Ben to make a list of things to look forward to, and they explain AIDS as a virus and that no one knows much about it, as the hospital had never seen a boy with AIDS before. At one point,. Ben sees a horrible news story where someone is saying AIDS is a punishment for gay men. Ben asks about this and about what "gay" means, and the family's response is commendable; they explain that it's a virus like a cold, and he doesn't think God punishes him for a cold, right? They say those people are mistaken. They explain "gay" as when two men (I don't think they covered female relationships) love each other the way his parents do, but that their church teaches that love is only for a husband and wife, a man/woman. Ben is satisfied with this response.
The church comment is because the family are devout, active members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or "Mormons". Considering Mormons adhere to very strict codes of behaviour, especially when it comes to sex, this response was pretty enlightened- especially in light of the fact that it was 1985 and both parents seemed to have lived very sheltered lives and married quite young. The only time a taint of homophobia comes about is when the parents are out to dinner, and Chris sees 2 men being openly affectionate and has to leave, as she's trying to get her mind away from AIDS for the night and this reminds her. It's cringe worthy to read, but remember the context (not that that makes it ok).
When I read the book as an 80s kid that wasn't religious, my knowledge of Mormons was limited to those TV commercials (remember? Even child Alphonso Ribiero makes an appearance!) and the young men in white shirts with black name tags that went door to door. This book helped to teach me a little about their faith and culture. Granted, it's shown in the best possible light, but it's still nicely done. The book isn't at all preachy or holier than thou, it simply shows that their faith is interwoven into their every day lives, and forms a big part of their support system. It also helps them with Ben's inevitable death, as a big cornerstone of Mormon teaching is that "families are forever" and they will be together again in the eternities .Mormons are notoriously family oriented and have a lot of support within their church communities , and in this case, that's a huge help to the family crisis.
In the midst of all of this stress, Chris is pregnant. She's also only 29. (I remember thinking that was "So old" when I first read the book!). She's being asked to go into totally unchartered waters here, and while the family obviously mourns and struggles, they manage to keep the family strong and to support Ben.
The school board chooses not to admit Ben to Grade 4 , and the family doesn't fight it as they want to protect their privacy. (That's why little was known about the Oylers until after Ben's death, when they did a couple of interviews, and then this book and the eventual TV movie that was based on it.). They had seen the circus that surrounded the White family and didn't want that for themselves. By then, Ben was sadly so sick that he couldn't attend school regularly, anyhow.
A teaching moment and foreshadowing is the discussion of Ben's friend, Jessica. Jessica has cancer and Ben wants to get together to play with her on his list. He never gets the chance, as Jessica sadly passes away. Chris explains about heaven and how Jessica will be there. While they never explicitly tell Ben he is dying, he seems to innately know that the lessons about death and the afterlife are for him.
I don't cry easily, but several parts of this book made me choke up. Now that I'm a Mom, they completely broke my heart in a new way; when Ben is diagnosed. when Ben has a seizure and wants to "go home" (heaven, as explained to him like going home), when Ben is dying and Chris tells him to "go toward the light" and that it will be just a "twinkling of an eye" til they are all together again), when they ask his Grandpa to make his coffin, using the station wagon for his final ride. I could go on and on.
The book is touching, beautiful, and heartfelt. It could move even the stoniest of hearts. It's also a good reminder of the limited knowledge, fear, and unfortunate attitudes surrounding AIDS back in these times for those who don't remember (not from the family, from the schools/newscasts etc). This is a remarkable family.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
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