Playing at Being Bad: The Hidden Resilience of Troubled Teens

by Michael Ungar

“Our most troubled youth are far more resilient and healthy than we are ready to admit. If we take the time to listen very closely to our children speak about their experiences beyond our front doors, we hear an entirely different story about their lives than the one we adults tell.”

Unlike many other books about difficult kids that reflect the wisdom of adults, this one explores the truth of adolescence. It builds on recent explorations of youth such as Mary Pipher’s Reviving Ophelia, Judith Rich Harris’ The Nurture Assumption, and William Pollack’s Real Boys. It examines emerging trends in psychology, as well as recent innovations in work with our most unhealthy young people. Playing at Being Bad offers particular insight for parents, teachers, and caregivers of troubled youth just beginning, or already stuck in, patterns of delinquency, drug or alcohol addiction, sexual promiscuity, violence, suicide, depression, and truancy. This book tells the story of the teens Ungar worked with for more than fifteen years, taking a close look at the crises kids face, while exploring the important role that adults can play in keeping dangerous and delinquent youth from drifting further into trouble.

226 pages, Paperback

First published January 22, 2003

Reviews

[Gracyn]

I borrowed this book from the shelf in my manager’s office (Thanks Darren!) This book helped me ground my practice in building a relationship with youth and trying to understand what they’re saying, and what they’re not saying. I find myself coming back to these concepts while working. It’s also nice that the author is local to my area, and the community in which I work.

One of the most helpful passages on this for me was the following:

“If I am to help, I need to build an alliance with them founded on mutual respect and trust. ‘There’s nothing you can do to help. Really, nothing.’ I’ve been told this told this same thing bluntly, rudely, politely, and arrogantly by any number of different teens. Our kids don’t really believe that we adults can help them, at least not while we are trapped believing we have the right answer and their act of resistance are nothing but the signs of a troubled youngster.”

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this at Second Story, one of my favorite used bookstores. I didn't buy it, but I got so engrossed that I stood there and read the entire thing (sorry Second Story staff, I promise I _do_ buy things sometimes!).

The author is a child and family therapist in Canada, and his thesis is simple but often overlooked.

Basically, he argues that it's important to listen to the stories that teenagers tell about their lives, and respect their right to make choices. He also makes the point that teenagers may attach very different meanings to certain choices and events than the adults in their lives do.

He keeps it from getting too theoretical by using a lot of great examples; I'd like to find his other book _Too Safe for Their Own Good_.