Have a New Kid by Friday: How to Change Your Child's Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days

by Kevin Leman

Every kid in America will hate this book! But moms will love it!

Tired of defiant attitudes and power struggles with your little ankle-biters? Then you need this book. With his signature wit and wisdom, internationally recognized family expert Dr. Kevin Leman reveals why your kids do what they do and what you can do about it. He gives you simple principles that can give you results in as little as 5 days.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Self Help, Family, Christian, Relationships, Psychology

300 pages, Hardcover

First published March 1, 2008

About the author

Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.

Connect with Dr. Leman on:
BirthOrderGuy.com
Facebook
Twitter

Reviews

[Lisa Topp · Rating 5 out of 5]

By the end of the summer I was losing my mind with my older daughters, ages 9 and 7. This book suggestion popped up in a weekly e-mail, and I really needed new kids by Friday - if not sooner! A few chapters in, (I read more than one a day - I need to get the program going!)I really like the common sense approach, and the fact that you are shaping attitute, behavior and character - they are all intertwined. I started changing my approach already today, and we made it all the way to bedtime with no yelling or crying - hooray!!

Now, seven days later, my house is a new place. I haven't raised my voice all week, my children have been apologizing for bad behavior, my three-year-old is staying in her bed at bedtime, and they are picking up after themselves. WOW. If you really stick to your guns, and FOLLOW THROUGH every time (with Leman's method of B doesn't happen until A is completed), instead of 'threaten' punishment (a mommy bad habit), the kids really learn that mom means business.

Read this book if you really mean business, and are willing to be punished yourself a little bit (like, if you were going to take the kids to the movie, and you need to take away the movie,it does mean no movie time for you - not, well, we'll still do this one thing and then I'll take away the next thing.). Consistency goes a long way and I'm surprised at how quickly I earned my childrens' respect back. I've even seen a lot more hugs from my nine-year-old.

I know new challenges will come, but these principals have prepared me to deal with them - and the cool question/answer section at the back of the book touches on topics I'll need to reference as the children grow. I think I've read my final parenting book - hooray!

[Kimberly · Rating 2 out of 5]

Confession--this was a book my husband INSISTED that I read, not one that I picked out by choice.

I have to say that overall, I felt that Leman only made two valid points throughout the entire book, and that the rest was just filler (or letters from "grateful" readers, plugging this book). The first point that I felt merited some thought was to not encourage/engage in arguing with your child. Later, when they want some favor or treat, you say "no"--if they ask why, you explain--once--that you did not appreciate the way they spoke to you earlier. The second valid point, IMHO, was "B doesn't happen until after A"; obviously used for a variety of scenarios.

I felt that most of this book was redundant after the first 1/3, merely hammering in points that the author already stated. If you actually pay attention to what you're reading, you've already gotten his points by then. It was also filled with "real-life situations" to simulate the points, that I felt were a complete waste of time. After all, everyone's situation is different, and what someone else's child says to their mother isn't the same things my child are saying to me. The biggest turn off (after the redundancy factor), was the letters from people exclaiming how great the book is--seriously, if it is that great, I don't need 1/2 of the book filled with other people saying that--just give me the facts.

For 2 valid points, not really recommended.

[Rachel · Rating 3 out of 5]

Thanks to my MiL for getting this book for me. She was right...some of the ideas this guy uses are excellent. He is practical and has a down-to-earth approach to problems we all face as parents. That being said, I did NOT like all of his personal examples. They read a lot like this, "My children are so angelic. We are such awesome parents. We have never made a mistake and our children are perfect. Just listen to what my daughter/son did..." It was HIGHLY annoying! Common sense says that parents who might choose to read this book are struggling in one or more areas with their childrens' behavior and the last thing any parent in that situation wants to read is some psychologist gloating over how perfect his own children were and how it all came down to the fact that he and his wife were such perfect parents from day one! If you can overlook at least a dozen of those sickening examples of perfection, then you can find some good tips in the pages of this book. They did not negate the positive things to learn from this book (they were just annoying). Now all that's left is to perfect yourself (as the parent) so that your children can then perfect themselves based on your example. :)

[Becky Giovagnoni · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't care for this book. He's a little too conservative for me, although that's not my main issue. My main problem with his parenting advice is that much of what he recommends to correct or change a child's behavior shame-based. He says if you allow your child to be in a situation where he is ashamed or embarrassed in front of his peers, he will quickly change his behavior.

The LAST thing I want to convey to my children is a sense of shame. The main purpose of how I parent is to teach them that God wants them to live free of shame. Shame may be effective at changing a child's behavior, but at what cost? Years of therapy as an adult.

[Rachel · Rating 2 out of 5]

Dr. Leman makes some good points about setting the appropriate tone for a parent-child relationship, about boundaries and respect. In fact, I agree with most of his broader statements about kids and their needs. His "talk and walk away" approach is probably only effective with some kids, though. I think my personality is far to direct to get involved in child psychology. I've probably formed my parenting habits from my Mom, who was a pretty no-nonsense person. (She spoke as though our not doing something she had asked wasn't even a possible outcome.)
One thing that stood out to be was a little section on shyness. His assessment of shy kids is WAY off. I was painfully shy as a child, largely due to fear and emotional immaturity. Shy kids need all the help they can get to gain confidence and overcome their fears, and telling them they're selfish is a bizarre way to do that.
I've learned it's a very bad idea to back kids into a corner and force them to take steps on YOUR time table rather than theirs.
I picked this book up thinking of my brother's children, actually. Their behavior is so bad my kids come home with a 'tude just from spending the night!

[Alli · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like the no-fuss approach to parenting that Leman offers. I wouldn’t recommend this read to all parents, as I feel that his tone and repetitive joking about “your manipulative little suckers” would obscure the content for some.

But I do feel that there are seeds of truth to the approach he uses. My biggest takeaway is the emphasis of how each kid belongs in the family, and that their family can’t revolve solely around them. This sounds bad, but if adhered to, it will be for that kid’s happiness. Everybody needs to be apart of something bigger than themselves. It doesn’t mean that child shouldn’t be loved or given special attention.

But if we bend over backwards trying to give the world to our kids at the snap of their fingers, they’ll never truly be happy. And we’ll be unhappy too. Leman gives his insights on how we can help our kids enjoy life (and be good at it), while also enjoying life ourselves.

[Adriane Devries · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dr. Kevin Leman’s title, Have a New Kid By Friday, fools parents into thinking that this book will change their kid’s rotten behavior, when in reality it is the parent who must change first. He knew no one would buy a book called “I’m a Lousy Parent, I Need A Fast-Track Remedial Course.” This hilarious book is a wonderful source of practical, easy-to-remember gems like, “Say it once, turn your back, and walk away;” and “B doesn’t happen until A is done.” Leman’s primary premise is that kids are born selfish and will do whatever works to get what they want. If tantrums get your attention, they’ll do them. If begging for money works, they’ll do it until they’re 35. It’s up to parents to not cooperate with their manipulative schemes and to instead teach them appropriate methods of dealing with and showing concern for others. He says that ultimately we show a child respect by expecting him enough to understand you the first time you say something, and that if he doesn’t follow through he should not expect the car keys, or the afternoon treat, or the play date at a friend’s house. It is our gift to them to raise them with their end result in mind: competent, responsible, healthy adults.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Came close to giving it 1 star because parts of it were SO bad I almost didn't finish it. But I must reluctantly admit that his main message is powerful enough to be of help to many people:
-say it once, then walk away
-B doesn't happen until A happens
-don't get angry (but apologize if you do)
etc.

However, his main points are buried in a book dominated by so many flaws that I found it painful to read. The most important of these flaws are covered by other reviews, but to list a few that bugged me:
-the *main section* of the book is really only 1/3 of the total. Sounds like he didn't really have that much to say.
-he should NOT assume that all shy children are being manipulative
-his "advice" on manners boils down to "you should really teach your kids some". Wow.
-he uses the phrase "purposive nature of the behavior" WAY TOO MUCH. Um, just say "purpose of the behavior" or even "reason they do that is...". We'll know what you mean and not feel you're trying to impress us.
-he shouldn't be giving advice on when mothers should stop nursing their children
-he should definitely NOT advice 5-year-olds to fling dog poop into the neighbors yard (was he kidding? I would probably assume yes...)

[Christie Hagerman · Rating 3 out of 5]

This has some good pointers overall, but most of it didn't apply to our particular family, since we're homeschoolers who don't have the typical American family/schedule. I liked the suggestions for practical consequences to unwanted behaviors but was disappointed at how many don't apply to us.

[Deanna Dreher · Rating 2 out of 5]

The Good:

1. Kids need acceptance, belonging, and competency to thrive.
2. When it comes to discipline/expectations: say it once. Turn your back. Walk away. I.e., don't nag.
3. Let reality be the teacher. Learn to respond rather than react. (Let natural consequences teach.)
4. B doesn’t happen until A is completed. I.e., The next fun thing doesn't come until current expectations are met.

These are important concepts and certainly merit consideration, if you have not yet thought about them and implemented them in your parenting.

The Bad: (quotes are directly from the book to emphasize each point.)

1. It pits you in a war against your child, rather than putting you along side your child as a time: "I can’t wait for this child to misbehave, because I’m ready to go to war." "No matter the circumstances, what you say is what you do. Never, ever back down. Don’t be a wuss."

2. It portrays children as selfish, lazy, and manipulative, rather than small humans with underdeveloped brains who need help navigating the world. Examples include, "I’m afraid of the dark, the little voice quivers. But what is really going on? Remember, the kids are unionized." Calling children "hedonistic little suckers" throughout. "The child didn’t forget… He simply got lazy and wet his pants." Or, "Did you know that an extremely shy child is an extremely powerful child? Shyness becomes a way of making sure the adults in that child’s life do things the way the child wants to do them. It’s actually a form of manipulation... She just wants everything her way, the easy way... The wise parent, however, will see shyness for what it really is: a manipulative tool for a child to get her way. (See also “Selfishness.”) "

3. It's extremely presumptuous/assuming. It's full of responding to kids by assuming you know what they're thinking, rather than just asking them what's going on or asking if this is what they're thinking. "By saying you’re doing these things, you were telling the child that you know not only what he’s doing but why he did it." Claiming that all parents know when their kid is being rude and disrespectful because “it’s clearly all in the body language and tone of voice.” Why not model and teach directness and clear communication, instead of looking down on it: "It’s like asking for a hug. That hug doesn’t mean very much because you had to ask to get it. Asking takes all the emotional fulfillment out of it." Why does clear communication about your needs invalidate someone meeting those needs?

4. Frequent use of public humiliation to discipline: One example was where we make a game of catching each other doing things wrong and making mistakes and pointing it out in front of everyone else. (Why not make the game catching "good" behavior?) Another example is to punish an entire class for one child's misbehavior so that peer pressure will ensure the "problem child" shapes up.

5. Uses emotional manipulation, to dubious effects: Leaving your 6 yo child in the mall and walking away if they have a fit (since kids really are relational and *want* to be with you, you can be certain your child will run after you when you walk away. **Not true of strong-willed children. We know.**). Another example is the idea that, if a child isn't doing something you view as "part of being in our family," you completely ignore your child by not providing him with food or acknowledgement. "And here’s a secret: because at the heart of every child is a longing to belong and be accepted, it won’t be long after using this technique, that your child will begin to feel lonely and want to be part of the family again, including doing whatever it was that you that was part of being your family."

6. Typical portrayal of parents: "If eating is in a mountain category, it’s because the parent is dumb enough to bring home all the sugars and fats and the kids are eating." Believe it or not, eating is a struggle for our children, even when we eat whole foods and don't buy or eat junk food.

7. Discipline is extremely reactive and petty: "We’re all part of one family, and we share things. But if you choose not to share, I can choose not to share." Moreover, most imposed consequences have nothing to do with the offense; regardless of the offense, the next time the child wants or needs you to do something (examples range from driving to a friends house to giving a preschooler a snack), you just say no, with no explanation. *Hopefully,* the child will eventually stop their shrieking and ask you why, and then you have a "teachable moment" to explain that there is no snack today because you were rude earlier. Why is the teachable moment always part of punishment?

The culmination of the book is the section of success stories, beginning with this one:

After the talk on Monday morning, I gathered up my 3 children (ages 6, 4, and 3) and started home, which was about 30 minutes away. Since it was lunchtime, I decided to stop at McDonald’s to eat. While waiting in line to order, my 4-year-old started whining and tattling. I told her we were leaving, and as I walked to the exit door without any food, all three of my lovely children started screaming, crying, jumping up and down, etc. People were looking at us like we were a bunch of lunatics. I loaded them in the van and started home. They all continued screaming and crying, so I turned the radio on as loud as it would go. The oldest and youngest finally quieted down, but Emma, the 4-year-old, continued to pitch a fit. When we arrived at home, I didn’t say a word, just picked Emma up out of the car, walked in the house, and went straight to the back door. I put her outside, closed the door, and locked it. She continued crying for another 10 to 15 minutes, while I proceeded to fix lunch.

If these are the methods you want to employ, and you need some guidance in how to effectively use them to maximize your impact on your children, then this book may have some good tips for you (so long as you don't mind some crass language, like calling children names - as discussed above - and referring to your child's teacher as a "24 year old hottie.") If you believe there are better options for connecting with your children and meeting their needs, even in the midst of conflict and discipline, then look elsewhere.

[Adrian Charles · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book is brilliant in its simplicity and rooted in sound principles. It's a good, quick read for anyone struggling with a strong-willed child, and has the potential to be very helpful. However:
- It's strongly rooted in American Christian Conservative cultural values, and may be less palatable to those of other backgrounds;
- It makes false assurances of 100% effectiveness that make it sound unnecessarily like snake-oil.

"Just walk away— your child *will* back down" is advice that succeeds most of the time, but does sometimes fail. Giving no backup plan simply will leave many parents in the lurch.

In the end, this is an amusing, effective if well-padded pamphlet of greatest appeal to those who share the author's subculture, and who have enough support to be able to navigate areas that the book fails to address.

[Serena · Rating 1 out of 5]

Neglect and abuse

This book seems to teach neglect and abuse. Very outdated with words like “diss”. The author mentions his wife and children watching another family at the airport. The child was throwing a fit while mom on cell phone and dad reading the newspaper, Kevin leman’s wife leans over toward her own daughter and says something along the lines of “that’s the type of family that’s going to make daddy money on his book”

Awful no relationship building at all.

[Tracy Miller · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh...it was ok. The author's attitude was a bit off-putting. And while I love the idea of natural consequences, I think it is somewhat difficult to implement because not every situation really has a tidy resolution like this author implies. Still, it was a good common sense guide and a reminder to not play into my children's dramas.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Okay, I hate the title. I am all for accepting kids for who they are. But I have to say this parenting book was a good fit for me. I learned/was reminded of some very important things, especially how not to nag. AND it has really helped.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so amazing. It has opened my eyes to a whole new way of thinking about parenting. Reality is a way better teacher than I will ever be and I have to remember to be more of a guide for my children rather than a tyrant. This helped me to understand the reasons my children behave and have the reactions they do! I love this book and recommend it to anyone who wants to treat their children better and have a better stress free life. My kids are 10 and 12 and even though we are just starting to change our parenting I was shocked with how quickly things began to turn around. I am so happy I found this book and already want to read it again! There is a handy glossary in the back for every day situations with examples and ways to handle them. I can't wait to read more from Dr. Leman!

[Jodi · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good, but also VERY difficult to put into practice. Goes against a lot of the general ideas of how a lot of us parent today. I never thought of praising my kids as doing them a disservice, but after reading his thoughts, I agree. Encouragement is good, but that is different than praising, which is what most of us do.

The first chapters are about the general principles of his parenting theory, which I would sum up as parents need to stay in control, not get angry, say it once and walk away, then let the consequences of the child's disobedience play itself out. One example: your kid is yelling at you in the car and being disrespectful. You get home and they want to know where their snack is. "Sorry, I don't feel like doing that for you." Eventually they get the point that bad behavior has a consequence. We must follow through! Not always easy though. Another big point: B follows A. You don't get to do B unless A is done. Period. (Often easier said than done!)

The remainder of the book is how to handle kid issues, an alphabatized list from fighting to disrespect to getting kid's cell phones to messy bedrooms.

I've read a lot of parenting books and one thing I really liked about this was how Leman didn't make me feel like my kid's are awful, I'm a horrible parent, and my family is the only one with issues. In fact, he really paints an accurate picture of parenting, and how hard it is. I felt less alone and more like I was discussing with a group of parents how to deal with these issues we all face. That is in itself very encouraging because often parenting can feel very lonely.

[Helen · Rating 1 out of 5]

Kevin Leman is a psychologist who has 5 kids and has written 30 books. Here's his scenario: Kid behaves badly, Mum says no to cookies and milk:
'"Honey, I told you we're not having cookies and milk today." Matthew was stunned. He opened his mouth to argue, then walked away sadly.'
Here's what would happen in real life: Matthew was stunned. He screamed for 2 hours and threw a chair at the wall.
Or: Matthew was stunned. He argued all afternoon, all night, and continued arguing until his parents were so exhausted they dropped dead and he ate the cookies.
I may exaggerate a little. But I know for damn sure that if I told Miss 6 that if she didn't get dressed quickly she'd have to wear her pyjamas to school she'd say, "fine, and I'm not wearing shoes either!".
Say it once, turn your back, walk away? As if.

[Jenni Fennelly · Rating 1 out of 5]

Infuriating. Sexist, single sided. Every scenario had the mom doing the pick-up/ discipline/ habit forming for the child. I had to laugh at some of the "scenarios" because my child would definitely not fit the mold HE has for how children behave.
My favorite is B doesn't happen until A is complete. This is the advice that had me start reading the book. Well, if A does not happen... 95% of the time I (the "mom") is late for work. Too many scheduled activities, so I can work. According to this book my child's behavior is 100% because I (the mom) work and I don't care because I work??? According to the book, most of her behavior issues will go away if I stopped working (oh, and our house, food, clothing, basic necessities will go away too...).
This book does not fit to a 2 full time working parent model.

[Laura G · Rating 4 out of 5]

In surfing bestsellers this came up. The title seemed so funny that I had to get more info.

After reading the book and testing out some of the ideas in a modified way in my classroom, I have to say that this stuff really does seem to work as far as getting difficult kids to see that it is time for them to change. Not only did it give me some new techniques for working with kids, but the advice that really helped me was that of not feeling guilty about offering true guidance to kids, which sometimes comes in the form of hard lessons. No, not spankings, but learning where the line is in terms of helping a kid, and enabling him to just keep being stupid!

[Chase · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent resource that every parent should read! Even if you do not have a "trouble" child, this book gives excellent ideas of how to build good attitudes, behavior, and character in your children. It also helps you discover what kind of parent you are and what changes you can make in yourself to be a better parent!

It is a helpful resource for anyone working with children as well. The techniques and lessons can be applied to the children you work with.

[Tiffany Allen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a good book to help you see what you need help on as a parent...oh I have so much to learn!

[Study Pony · Rating 4 out of 5]

Much of the principle taught by this book is good and sound and this teaches some very very good tools for parenting. This is definitely a reread and one I would recommend. However, one disclaimer I felt I had to add to explain the absence of that 5th star.

Central to Dr. Leman's method is that you make this change entirely without explanation to the child. In like manner, he advocated no explanation, until the child asks, when you refuse to take them places or do things for them as a form of consequences. And when the child asks, the only explanation to be given is "I don't feel like it.". That can be used as a tool with older children to make them think, especially if they have been told before, but I strongly believe that the go to should always be to include respectful explanation. Consequences and discipline can be confusing to the child and sometimes fruitless if the child doesn't understand the connection of his actions to the result. If he doesn't understand that the reason he cannot go out and play is because he behaved badly last time, how can he learn to behave better next time? Then the pain of being left out is wasted. I advocate telling the child what he did wrong, why it was wrong (when possible), and what you expect next time. Go as far as to tell him that better behavior and more responsibility will result in more freedoms and responsibilities. But don't get into an argument. Your child doesn't have to agree with you. I have found that accompanying consequences with brief explanation has made a big difference over my nearly 10 years of experience as a babysitter and nanny.

Use your own discretion. The buck rests solely on the parents's shoulders. And you know your own child better than anyone if you look. No parent is perfect and no book (save the Bible) is perfect. I suggest that you read several parenting books and take the best bits. This one has many.

[Kayla Ritcheson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rounded up from 3.5 stars.


What it is NOT: a theological foundation for parenting; a technologically up-to-date, politically-correct guide; a title to be taken literally 😅

What it IS: Imminently practical!

Honestly, this book was like a breath of fresh air. It was so encouraging to be reminded that it is okay to expect my children to be able to learn good behavior. It was also encouraging to hear someone say that it is okay to ignore certain behaviors (eg tantrums) because they make it hard for me to keep my cool. It's nice to hear an experienced dad and grandpa say that I won't scar my children for life if I walk away during a tantrum or make them go to a separate room until we both can calm down. 😅 If a correction or consequence is needed, I can calmly give it later. (And I don't have to sit down and have a heart-to-heart and explain all my reasoning to my kiddo or help them process their emotions verbally every time there's a conflict.)

Advice I want to remember:

"Let reality be the teacher...let nature take its course...Don't rescue your kids from the consequences of failed responsibility." (p. 48)

"B doesn't happen until A is completed." (p. 50)

"Expect the best, get the best... Doing things your children should do is not respectful of them. Expecting the best out of them...is respectful. " (p. 68-69)

"Did you know that your job, as parent, isn't to make your child happy? In fact, an unhappy child is a healthy child... Feeling good is a temporary thing. It's based on feelings, and those change from moment to moment. A child can feel good about getting a toy he wants, but true self-worth is established when the child works hard for a toy, earns that toy, and truly can call it his own...By providing the types of experiences where children pull their weight and learn responsibility and accountability, you are establishing a healthy self-worth." (p. 70-71)

"1. Say it once.
2. Turn your back.
3. Walk away." (p. 79)

[Jess Smith · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid stuff overall from someone who has read countless parenting books! Very simple and practical skills you can put into practice quick & easy! Note that less than 1/3 of the book is the actual skill and plan (which for me was nice because I read that in a day - simple!) Over 2/3 of the rest of book is an “Ask Dr Leman” section, which breaks down specific parenting issues that Dr L addresses. Can’t beat his years of experience!

[Sylvester (Taking a break in 2023) · Rating 4 out of 5]

A surprisingly simple and common-sense book for the off-hand title. I keep failing on one of the most important points, though. I repeat my orders over and over. That's going to be tough to change. Especially since I never know if he's heard me over his god-awful incessant racket.

[Irina Rabinina · Rating 2 out of 5]

Старая добрая дисциплина и принцип «разумных естественных последствий» без криков, но со значительной долей манипуляции. Стратегия «Б не произойдет, пока не завершено A» точно работающий метод!
Но глава про допустимость физических шлепков перечеркивает весь положительный посыл…

[Elizabeth Meadows · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great advice in a very easy to read format.

[Natasha M. Nurse, Esq. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Parenting is a a hell of a journey. Books like these really help with understanding how to make the journey more enjoyable and easier 🙏🏾

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you only pick one parenting book to read and re-read, pick this one. It’s along the lines of Love and Logic but with many specific scenarios of what to do.

[Sadiq · Rating 5 out of 5]

كتاب جميل واكتفيت منه لأن اكتشفت أني انسان مربي لكن اغلب مجتمعنا لازم يقراه والناس الا تعبوني في حياتي