What Your Childhood Memories Say about You . . . and What You Can Do about It

by Kevin Leman

What are your earliest childhood memories? Were you afraid of the dark? Can you remember a particularly embarrassing moment? Those memories―along with the words and emotions you use to describe them―hold the key to understanding the person you are today! Drawing on examples from his own life, the lives of celebrities, as well as case studies from his private practice, renowned psychologist Dr. Kevin Leman helps you apply these same techniques to uncover why you are the way you are. Remember, “The little boy or girl you once were, you still are!” So unlock that memory bank―pick a memory, any memory―and discover what makes you tick!

Genres: Nonfiction, Psychology, Self Help, Christian, Audiobook, Faith, Ebooks

240 pages, Paperback

First published July 31, 2007

About the author

Dr. Kevin Leman, an internationally known psychologist, radio and television personality, and speaker, has taught and entertained audiences worldwide with his wit and commonsense psychology. The best-selling and award-winning author has made house calls for hundreds of radio and television programs, including The View with Barbara Walters, The Today Show, Oprah, CBS's The Early Show, Live with Regis Philbin, CNN's American Morning, and LIFE Today with James Robison, and he has served as a contributing family psychologist to Good Morning America. He is the founder and president of Couples of Promise, an organization designed and committed to helping couples remain happily married. Dr. Leman is also a charter faculty member of iQuestions.com. He has written over 30 best-selling books about marriage and family issues, including The Birth Order Book and Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. Dr. Leman and his wife, Sande, live in Tucson. They have five children.

Connect with Dr. Leman on:
BirthOrderGuy.com
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Twitter

Reviews

[Tracey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book very fascinating. A quick read, but a reflective read. A story I found interesting was when the author described his wife's reaction to a surprise birthday party. She cried, but tried to make it look like tears of happiness, but he knew, she was crying because this was the last thing on earth she wanted. He said, he knew that. He wrote the Birth Order book and knew that first borns don't like surprises. That made me think about me...While I am not opposed to surprise birthday parties or surprises in general, surprises make me uneasy at first. I have to rearrange my mind quickly to determine what I need to do, say, or respond. Just an interesting self-reflection. I would recommend this book to anyone who would like to know what their childhood memories mean.

[Danielle · Rating 2 out of 5]

One and a half stars. It had a lot of potential, and from what I was able to glean in my drifting-in-and-out-of-consciousness and half-hearted skimming of this book, the premise is, indeed, interesting.
The author of this book has gained much notoriety for his theory and accompanying books on birth order and how that influences your personality. This book was just another way for him to peddle those theories. And, oh my goodness, how he LOVES to talk about himself. I'm actually a big fan of personal stories used to illustrate a point, but when the point is "Look how fun and crazy I am!" over and over again, I kind of just want to chuck this book at the author's over-inflated head.
So, it was really hard to stay focused while reading this book because the author just sort of wandered around, talking about birth order, more stories about himself, etc. and every once in awhile would throw in a bit about childhood memories, but it was never very clear or easy to follow.
For those of you considering reading this book, I will save you the trouble. So, the idea is that you remember what you do from your early childhood (up until age 8 or so) because it coincides with your personal world view. Thus, if I see the world as a place intent on shutting me out, requiring me to claw my way to the top, etc. my childhood memories will reflect themes of being literally shut out, or humiliations, or unfair situations, and the like. I guess this makes sense. I've yet to really delve into my own memories and psychoanalyze myself accordingly. I don't doubt there's something to the idea, but the presentation was seriously lacking.

[Barbara · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was more of a repackaging of the authors guiding theories about human emotions than any real analysis of how dreams can lead to insight. He threw in a large dose of anecdotes of patients' experiences, a practice that should serve as a warning to seeking him for help. Yes, he disguised the sources for anonymity, but I'm sure recognizing a story from his retinue must be a jolt for the patient.

[tïmmyrèvuo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Remember that huge, terrifying hill you biked down as a kid? Chances are, if you returned to that hill today, you'd discover it was barely an incline.

That image stayed with me because it perfectly captures what this book is trying to say: childhood memories are rarely factual recordings. They're emotional interpretations.

Our brains don't simply archive the past. They edit it. Dramatically.

Mine certainly did.

Sometimes the memories that stay with us are the ones that made us feel small in ways we couldn't name at the time. A brief moment of being brushed off, a request that felt harmless to us but inconvenient to someone else—our younger selves don't record the context, only the feeling. And somehow that feeling can harden into a rule: don't ask for too much, don't interrupt, don't take up space.

Then there are the oddly specific memories that stick for no obvious reason at all. A toy, a room, a sentence, a mood. Looking back, it's almost funny how the brain can turn something so ordinary into a core memory and label it essential character development.

Our brains really have the audacity.

But then, they're strangely sentimental too.

For some reason, I also remember sitting quietly with a plate of rice, soy sauce, and a sunny-side-up egg while my mom cooked and listened to the radio. I don't remember what she was cooking. I don't remember what happened afterward. I only remember watching her from behind and thinking she looked... happy.

Funny, isn't it?

Entire years of my childhood have disappeared into thin air, yet my brain decided that rice with soy sauce deserved permanent storage.

That's exactly the point this book makes. Our minds don't preserve events because they're objectively important. They preserve the moments that shaped the stories we tell ourselves.

Maybe you remember mostly criticism, and somewhere along the way you concluded that you're only lovable when you're perfect. Maybe your strongest memories are filled with conflict, convincing you that your job is to keep everyone happy, even when you're miserable. The dangerous part isn't the memories themselves. It's the beliefs we quietly build on top of them.

So, how do we escape those mental traps?

The book suggests something surprisingly practical.

First, accept that your memories are not objective truth. Your brain isn't a CCTV camera. It's more like an overconfident movie director who thinks one emotional scene explains the entire plot.

Second, compare your memories with the people who lived through those moments with you. You might remember a family gathering as unbearably stressful while your sibling remembers it as the happiest day of their childhood. Neither memory is necessarily wrong, but together they reveal just how selective our minds can be.

Finally, let those discoveries change how you move forward.

Not overnight, of course.

Reinterpreting childhood memories requires honesty, patience, and an incredible amount of self-compassion. You'll take three steps forward and two steps back, and that's okay. Healing has never been a straight line.

The goal isn't to erase the past. It's to recognize the stories you've been living by—*"I only matter when I'm useful," "I'm asking for too much," "I have to keep everyone happy,"* or *"I'm never enough"*—and gently ask whether they're actually true.

That realization completely changed how I think about forgiveness.

Real forgiveness isn't pretending nothing happened, nor is it suddenly feeling warm and affectionate toward someone who hurt you. It's deciding that the past no longer gets to hold the steering wheel. You can forgive while keeping firm boundaries. You can acknowledge the damage while still choosing to move forward. Those ideas can exist together.

One passage hit me particularly hard: most people never receive a warning before regret arrives. They carry unresolved pain for years, only realizing much later that they wish they had started healing sooner.

That sentence lingered with me.

Because healing rarely begins with a grand revelation. Sometimes it starts by questioning a single memory. Sometimes it begins by asking, *Did it really happen the way I remember it?* Or perhaps the better question is, *What story have I been telling myself because of it?*

The book also reminded me that childhood memories don't just help us understand ourselves—they help us understand the people we love.

When someone tells you about their childhood, they're not simply sharing old stories. They're handing you the blueprint of how they learned to love, trust, fear, apologize, and survive. Suddenly, certain behaviors stop looking irrational. They start looking familiar.

One chapter even connects those memories to our careers, which I found surprisingly convincing.

As I read it, I couldn't help but think about six-year-old me standing on a kindergarten stage. Out of everything I could remember, I still remember loving the spotlight. Long before I facilitated workshops, managed teams, or stood in front of hundreds of participants, there was simply a little girl who loved performing.

Maybe that wasn't random after all.

The book argues that our earliest memories often reveal where our energy naturally comes alive. Some people thrive around people. Others flourish when solving problems independently. The point isn't to change who you are. It's to recognize your natural wiring instead of constantly forcing yourself into environments that slowly drain you.

*What Your Childhood Memories Say About You* left me with a simple but profound reminder: the earliest stories we remember are more than memories. They're blueprints.

Some of those blueprints helped build us. Others quietly trapped us inside rooms we didn't realize we'd never left.

The beautiful part is this: memories may shape us, but they don't get the final say.

Because unlike our four-year-old selves, we now have something we didn't have back then.

Perspective.

And perhaps that's the greatest gift this book offers. Your history may explain who you became, but it doesn't have to decide who you'll become next.

[Donna · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved, loved the journey this book took me on as I remembered early childhood experiences and had times of sharing with family. So very worth the read!

[Chaz · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am giving this book 5 stars!Out of all my many childhood memories only a few would stand out, and there's always a reason why.Sure,not all of us experienced happy childhood but travelling back to those memories made me understand myself better.More so, my husband. We are our each other childhood sweethearts back in the days and its just an amazing feeling that we are now married.This book helped me understand more some of his traits,emotions that even if Ive known him all my life i found it very hard to comprehend,But thanks to this book, Now i can see him more clearly.:) Its always a journey to look back. Thank you! :)

[Roxanna · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you've read Kevin Leman's book on the Birth Order, you can definitely skip this one. Half the book was a rehash of the birth order material. While there were some good guiding questions on how to journal and explore childhood memories, the rest of the book was very thin on "what you can do about it", spending just one chapter on "escaping the parent trap - you can change your painful memories". In fact, the author spent more time writing about himself and why he was a typical last born child than what he's supposedly enticed his readers to buy his book as stated in the tagline! If you're interested in the "what you can do about it" part, I would suggest books on narrative therapy.

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

The title is intriguing and something that sparked my interest. I was a bit disappointed as it seems it was basically a sharing of childhood memories or Dr Leman rather than a any sort of case study. Essentially, the things you remember from your childhood are traumatic events or special events, perhaps a special trip or outfit. Memories also define some of your behaviors and defense mechanisms. Based on your place in the family it may determine your basic personality...I found the book interesting but would have liked less of the doctors info..

[Karen Santucci · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were some things that were thought provoking (hence, the two stars). Had I known the book was liberally peppered with references to God, praises for the man who founded "Focus on Family," and far too much yakking about how wonderful he is, I would have passed. It was a struggle to get through it for those reasons.

[Synthia Salomon · Rating 5 out of 5]

Childhood memories = present day behavior and patterns.

What Your Childhood Memories Say About You is that your earliest recollections hold the key to understanding your true self.   Your early childhood memories are blueprints revealing your core identity and how you interpret the world. These stored moments explain recurring patterns in your relationships, career choices, and daily reactions.   By examining which childhood experiences your mind preserved and why, you'll uncover the hidden beliefs driving your behavior today.

Some of these beliefs empower you; others limit you based on outdated assumptions. The key is recognizing these patterns without being trapped by them.   You can then apply this awareness to heal family wounds through genuine forgiveness, deepen connections by understanding others' formative experiences, and align your professional path with your authentic strengths. Your history shaped you, but understanding it gives you power to consciously design what comes next.

[Stephanie Loomis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Food for thought

I started this book a few years ago and decided to check it off the unfinished list. The Birth Order Book was helpful for me when my children were small, but those days are well past.

There is more good here for younger readers so they can learn from their childhoods and create positive memories for their children. It may beneficial for business leaders who work with lots of people. There's a ministry element, too, for anyone who is responsible for how groups of people interact.

I highlighted a few quotes for future reference to give me opening questions for others to speak.

[Alish by the Salish Sea · Rating 4 out of 5]

It was interesting, but sort of slow through some parts in the first half. I'm now fascinated by the idea that the memories I have in the first 5 - 8 years of my life reveal a lot about who I am. I won't include any spoilers here, but I will say that there are certain themes of memories in the first 5 years that if you have them, you're more likely to have higher ambition to grow, change, and reach your full potential. I personally have a memory with that particular theme, and although it's vivid, I never realized its significance. In fact, I thought other memories were more significant or interesting. I'm now feeling thankful to have this memory, and happy to understand it's value.

[Caroline · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book seemed like a mashup of things that didn't make it the author's other books. So it did feel a little bit disjointed. But, I liked the content of this book. I think it could have used a different title. I didn't read it and figure much out about myself or my past. I wished he would have gone more in depth than he did because it is a very interesting topic. The author was very repetitive throughout the various chapters, so it probably could have been a bit shorter. But I enjoyed the author's humor and stories from his childhood.

[Karen · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting listen. Certainly gets you thinking about your childhood memories and somewhat your birth order. Taking what he says with a grain of salt, especially when talking about the traits of the oldest child - not my brother at all! Also talks about someone not being the oldest child yet taking on the traits of the oldest - I think they call that personality. So many factors to take into consideration in terms of times, parenting, birth order etc.

I think it will certainly have me listening to people talking about their memories in a more reflective way.

[Jeff Bobin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Our stories shape our lives. What we remember shapes what we believe, how we think and how we act.

Looking at how what we remember about the foundational years of our life as children influences what we believe about ourselves, society and the future.

This is an interesting look at why we remember what we remember, how it is not always accurate and how those memories affect our thought life and decision making.

[Ginger Snaps · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book but I also found it a little too obscure to be helpful to me. I know I perfectly fit the description of a first born, and especially one with very critical parents, and that has made me critical of myself and others, as well.

I am sometimes saddened when I read this kind of thing now and see in myself patterns that reveal I was and still am too harsh on others and I can’t go back and fix it.

[Alpha · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very nice read. Some stuff making me very introspective and actualizing the man I've become; while other things enjoying a casual walk of who others have become and what noone can know but them. A very pleasant read and NOT an overtly technical psychiatric forced march down opinions and hypothesis.

[Holly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was monumental in helping me understand why I do some of the things I do. Which is always the first step in overcoming behavior we are unhappy with. I learned how I formed my private logic as a child. Of course it made sense at the time but perhaps is not serving me well now. I highly recommend this.

[Dennis Hogan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Finished What Your Childhood Memories Say About You by Kevin Leman published in 2007. Dr. Kevin Leman is an American psychologist, media personality. He is also the author of the Birth Order Book (2009). Some interesting ideas about how your earliest memories shape you. Lehman also discusses the impact of birth order on personality and outlook.

[Sylvia Jeronimo · Rating 3 out of 5]

Private logic, lifestyle script, birth order, episodic events and exploring your theme park - all the fascinating components that go into taking a trip down memory lane and exploring the impact your childhood is still having on your adulthood.

[Tinamarie Cox · Rating 3 out of 5]

Nothing exceptional. I think I was expecting something more scientific rather than something based on his experiences. It wasn't a total waste but it didn't teach me much of anything new or speak of much I hadn't heard before. Probably could have been even shorter, like an essay.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a huge fan of Kevin leman, I feel his main points could have been made with fewer chapters and words. But interesting information; but didn’t seem like anything real novel. Any longer of a book would not have been a good idea.

[Stion Billington-Drew · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was okay - Not what I had expected but was still a good insight into why I am the way I am, and why others are the way they are. I’ll defo be reading more psychology books as I found it interesting - the birth order theory & identifying personal logic from childhood memories.

[Teresa Gregory · Rating 3 out of 5]

Dr. Lehman spends a lot of time telling stories about himself and stories that are tangentially related to the subject of childhood memories. While the book is entertaining, he spends most time skirting around the subject than directly addressing it.

[Chantel · Rating 2 out of 5]

I think he covers all that he brushes over in this book in more detail in the other books - lots of stories - lots of different topics - yet I finished it without finding the answer to what my childhood memories say about me…

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great read and lots of great information....would like to re-read it again and suggest my grown children should read.

[Mike Traveler · Rating 4 out of 5]

really recommended, your childhood memories are the key to everything, love this book so much

[Donna Peake · Rating 3 out of 5]

A very reflective read. Says 1st borns are readers. Yep that's me.

[Leanne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book contained lots of good information, using humor and many stories from the author's life growing up. Highly recommended and easy to read.

[Sara · Rating 3 out of 5]

A little slow at first but actually had some really cool ways to look into your childhood and process it.