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258 pages, Paperback
First published November 1, 1993
Kenny could feel the heat begin to singe the white-blonde hair that richly blanketed his burly auburn arms.
Maria came to the small shop with its three little tables at 4:30 or thereabouts every day but Wednesday. She would talk or more likely argue with her mother until 5. Maria got pregnant when she was 20 and had the baby.
Mime. He hated that word. It was as quiet and meaningless as himself, the mime, the non-person.
Marla took a deep breath and wiped her hands on the little green apron around her flat waist.
Here's what the chatbot said:
1. Kenny could feel the heat begin to singe the white-blonde hair that richly blanketed his burly auburn arms.
• Issue: The phrase "white-blonde hair" is slightly redundant. "Blonde hair" is already understood to have a light shade.
• Recommendation:
◦ "Kenny could feel the heat begin to singe the blonde hair that richly blanketed his burly auburn arms."
2. Maria came to the small shop with its three little tables at 4:30 or thereabouts every day but Wednesday. She would talk or more likely argue with her mother until 5. Maria got pregnant when she was 20 and had the baby.
• Issue: The sentence structure is a bit choppy.
• Recommendation:
◦ "Maria visited the small shop with its three little tables around 4:30 every day except Wednesday. There, she would talk, or more likely argue, with her mother until 5:00. She had become pregnant at 20 and given birth to a child."
3. Mime. He hated that word. It was as quiet and meaningless as himself, the mime, the non-person.
• Issue: The repetition of "mime" can be slightly jarring.
• Recommendation:
◦ "He hated the word 'mime.' It was as quiet and meaningless as himself, the silent performer, the invisible man."
4. Marla took a deep breath and wiped her hands on the little green apron around her flat waist.
• Issue: This sentence is grammatically correct and stylistically sound.
I hope these suggestions are helpful!