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A Gnome Problem
What would you do if your best friend was being attacked by gnomes?
Welcome to Pat’s world. Forget the fact that his girlfriend of three years is about to call it quits; now he has to face his manic buddy who claims he’s become a punching bag for a group of hyper and vengeful gnomes. Of course, this all has to be the result of a drug induced hallucination or nightmare, right?
In this twisted and comically oddball story, Pat is about to discover if the little creatures are the figment of someone’s strung out imagination, or the real deal. Life and friendship meet the absurd in A GNOME PROBLEM (a novelette).
(word 8,148)
Welcome to Pat’s world. Forget the fact that his girlfriend of three years is about to call it quits; now he has to face his manic buddy who claims he’s become a punching bag for a group of hyper and vengeful gnomes. Of course, this all has to be the result of a drug induced hallucination or nightmare, right?
In this twisted and comically oddball story, Pat is about to discover if the little creatures are the figment of someone’s strung out imagination, or the real deal. Life and friendship meet the absurd in A GNOME PROBLEM (a novelette).
(word 8,148)
- GenresFiction
26 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 1, 2011
13 people want to read
About the author
Michael Crane
62 books21 followersMichael Crane is an indie author and scribbler of inane babble that can sometimes end up as stories. He went to Columbia College Chicago where he earned a BA in Fiction Writing and drank way too many Red Bulls. He is the author of IN DECLINE and LESSONS AND OTHER MORBID DRABBLES, and he also might've written two books while he was in high school, but they are absolutely dreadful and he cautions people to stay far, far away from them. He lives in Illinois and is always trying to work on something new, unless he's battling stupid writer's block.
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Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews
April 29, 2013
I love gnomes! So when I came upon this book on Amazon, I was very intrigued. This is a short story about a young man, who gets a phone call one day from his friend. His friend is scared to death and talking crazy talk! He claimed that gnomes were trying to kill him! This can't be true! His friend had to be dreaming....or on something...right?! I thoroughly enjoyed this story!
August 7, 2025
Bizarre happenings
This is a very short story about a weird and bizarre incident that happens to two friends. The whole thing happens over just a few days and is handled pretty quickly.
It is a story about how weird things sometimes happen, how you deal with it, then just try to move on. Fun.
This is a very short story about a weird and bizarre incident that happens to two friends. The whole thing happens over just a few days and is handled pretty quickly.
It is a story about how weird things sometimes happen, how you deal with it, then just try to move on. Fun.
July 21, 2011
Rating: 3.3 out of 5
Michael Crane is an author with a wicked sense of humor. Just from reading his drabble collections (Lessons and Lessons II), you can easily see his sarcastic wit and ability to transform threatening, potentially harmful situations into a form of dark comedy. He’s gifted in turning a phrase and uses an economy of words to get his point across. In short, I think he’s brilliant.
When I purchased A Gnome Problem, his novelette, I expected much of the same, only in a wider format. And I wasn’t disappointed in that. The story follows the adventures of Pat, a pathetic down-and-outer, after he receives a panicked phone call from his buddy Spencer, who goes on to explain that he’s being tormented by gnomes. Garden gnomes. See? Already it’s hilarious.
Pat heads out to Spencer’s house, confronts his friend, thinks he’s just nuts, and then, when he discovers there really are gnomes attacking his friend, goes about trying to solve the problem.
That’s as much as I’ll give you for plot, since this is a short piece and revealing any more would be tantamount to full disclosure. And the story does work. It made me laugh multiple times, especially when Pat starts getting irritated when no one involved will listen to his advice.
And yet this is where I ran into problems with the tale. Pat, as a character, is a bit flat. Yes he’s funny, yes his quips are delivered with aplomb…but there doesn’t seem to be anything beyond that. The running plot about his girlfriend leaving him did nothing for me, and I couldn’t help but think that if the story had been written in third person instead of first, it might have come off much, much better. As it is, he’s an unreliable narrator in a tale that needs a reliable one.
Also, the ending really rubbed me the wrong way. When it finished I said, ”What…really?” Not that the conclusion is bad by any means. It isn’t. But it felt unsatisfying, as if the author had too many ideas in his head and couldn’t figure out how to use them all, so he used the simplest version he could think of. Not to be cruel, but that’s what the end felt like. A cop-out. There were so many different places the author could’ve taken it in either direction, darker or more hilarious. It demanded to be expanded upon, to be more fleshed out. But alas, it didn’t happen.
Now, of course, I can in no way state that this is a bad story. It’s not at all. I did genuinely enjoy myself, just not as much as I thought I should. Crane has oodles of ability, and I really enjoy reading his prose. If anything, the poor rating has more to do with my high opinion of his talent, with my expectation for what he produces, than anything. And I simply don’t think this tale stood as tall as it could have…ne, should have.
That being said, I would still recommend this novelette and not feel the slightest bit bad about doing so. You’ll end up laughing and cringing more than once, and by the end, I think you’ll want more more more. Because if A Gnome Problem does nothing else, it serves to demonstrate how well Crane can tell a story. He most certainly has the potential to be great. If you’re like me, you’re rooting for his next offering to fully deliver on that potential.
Plot - 8
Characters - 5
Voice - 9
Execution - 5
Personal Enjoyment – 6
Overall – 33/50 (3.3/5)
Michael Crane is an author with a wicked sense of humor. Just from reading his drabble collections (Lessons and Lessons II), you can easily see his sarcastic wit and ability to transform threatening, potentially harmful situations into a form of dark comedy. He’s gifted in turning a phrase and uses an economy of words to get his point across. In short, I think he’s brilliant.
When I purchased A Gnome Problem, his novelette, I expected much of the same, only in a wider format. And I wasn’t disappointed in that. The story follows the adventures of Pat, a pathetic down-and-outer, after he receives a panicked phone call from his buddy Spencer, who goes on to explain that he’s being tormented by gnomes. Garden gnomes. See? Already it’s hilarious.
Pat heads out to Spencer’s house, confronts his friend, thinks he’s just nuts, and then, when he discovers there really are gnomes attacking his friend, goes about trying to solve the problem.
That’s as much as I’ll give you for plot, since this is a short piece and revealing any more would be tantamount to full disclosure. And the story does work. It made me laugh multiple times, especially when Pat starts getting irritated when no one involved will listen to his advice.
And yet this is where I ran into problems with the tale. Pat, as a character, is a bit flat. Yes he’s funny, yes his quips are delivered with aplomb…but there doesn’t seem to be anything beyond that. The running plot about his girlfriend leaving him did nothing for me, and I couldn’t help but think that if the story had been written in third person instead of first, it might have come off much, much better. As it is, he’s an unreliable narrator in a tale that needs a reliable one.
Also, the ending really rubbed me the wrong way. When it finished I said, ”What…really?” Not that the conclusion is bad by any means. It isn’t. But it felt unsatisfying, as if the author had too many ideas in his head and couldn’t figure out how to use them all, so he used the simplest version he could think of. Not to be cruel, but that’s what the end felt like. A cop-out. There were so many different places the author could’ve taken it in either direction, darker or more hilarious. It demanded to be expanded upon, to be more fleshed out. But alas, it didn’t happen.
Now, of course, I can in no way state that this is a bad story. It’s not at all. I did genuinely enjoy myself, just not as much as I thought I should. Crane has oodles of ability, and I really enjoy reading his prose. If anything, the poor rating has more to do with my high opinion of his talent, with my expectation for what he produces, than anything. And I simply don’t think this tale stood as tall as it could have…ne, should have.
That being said, I would still recommend this novelette and not feel the slightest bit bad about doing so. You’ll end up laughing and cringing more than once, and by the end, I think you’ll want more more more. Because if A Gnome Problem does nothing else, it serves to demonstrate how well Crane can tell a story. He most certainly has the potential to be great. If you’re like me, you’re rooting for his next offering to fully deliver on that potential.
Plot - 8
Characters - 5
Voice - 9
Execution - 5
Personal Enjoyment – 6
Overall – 33/50 (3.3/5)
March 15, 2011
While I love Michael Crane’s “slice of life” stories, his dark humor pieces are oodles of fun. The premise seems ridiculous on its face. What could be more innocent than a little garden gnome? With the current craze for the paranormal in books, who is to say that garden gnomes coming to life are any less likely than werewolves or glittery vampires showing up on your doorstep?
It’s this tension between what Pat knows has to be true, gnomes don’t come to life - compared to what Spencer and eventually Pat are experiencing, that make story so fun. What is going on? Is this a bad, yet realistic dream? How will it be resolved? It is all just a little twisted and demented, perfect for a fast, fun read. You’ll never look at gnomes the same.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog.**
It’s this tension between what Pat knows has to be true, gnomes don’t come to life - compared to what Spencer and eventually Pat are experiencing, that make story so fun. What is going on? Is this a bad, yet realistic dream? How will it be resolved? It is all just a little twisted and demented, perfect for a fast, fun read. You’ll never look at gnomes the same.
**Originally written for "Books and Pals" book blog.**
October 18, 2012
What a fun little story! I do not have garden gnomes in my garden, but my new neighbor does. Right in her front yard, OMG, really, I just shook my head. When my grandkids came to visit they wanted to go kick them over, and I was horrified, now I know why I got that dreadful feeling. I will do all I can to protect those little boogers now. While I will never have a gnome idol in my garden I do have gremlins in my house, and they are more than a challenge for me.
I can see I will need to read Lessons (and other morbid drabbles), maybe Michael Crane has some sage advice for dealing with gremlins.
I can see I will need to read Lessons (and other morbid drabbles), maybe Michael Crane has some sage advice for dealing with gremlins.
May 2, 2013
Great short story. Made me laugh out load!! Very enjoyable!!
March 21, 2011
Two friends who really don't want to grow up escape on an adventure to get rid of pesky intruders who shouldn't really exist. Reality clearly doesn't suite them. A silly but quick read.
May 21, 2011
Quick entertaining read.
December 9, 2011
A funny little short story of a (possible drug/alcohol induced) gnome encounter/attack; A GNOME PROBLEM (A Novelette), is worth the quick read… especially on kindle for free or $.99.
Displaying 1 - 9 of 9 reviews