**Warning: this text may contain spoilers** *****Possible Trigger Warning******
When I saw this book for $7, in hardcover, I thought it would be worth it. After all, I don't expect much from my romances: passable plot, decent writing and character chemistry. That's it. That's all I want. Is it too much to ask for? Apparently, it is.
Let's start with the plot, or rather the plot holes. Garron comes back to Wareham after an absence of nearly a decade. He comes home to find that his home has been ransacked, the majority of his people murdered. Merry, running away from a forced marriage, sneaks into Wareham, and convinces the remaining populace to lie to their new lord and say she's lived there for the past 6 years. Why do they lie for her? Because she's going to fix Wareham...Why do they trust her over the lord that they watched grow up? I don't know. So that Merry has an excuse to stay there, I guess.
Fast forward, Garron and Merry are in London, when Merry gets kidnapped by the villain, Merry's mother. Somehow, her mother's henchmen snuck past a garrison full of sleeping guards to kidnap Merry. Why were the guards asleep? Because they drank drugged wine. Where did the wine come from? I don't know. Why were the soldiers drinking jugs of wine on watch? Because they had to be asleep! Don't ask too many questions. Then Whalen, captain of the king's guard, is berating himself and wonders what if it had been an assassin coming for the king? What does Garron say to comfort Whalen? "That couldn't happen. There are too many guards." Sorry, Garron, but were you in the same castle we were in last night? Because that is exactly what happened.
Throughout all of this, there's a cache of silver coins that everyone is trying to find. These coins are the reason Wareham was ransacked...and even though Garron knows there is a traitor in his castle; even though their lives have been threatened because of these silver coins; Garron and Merry tell everyone who will listen that there's a cache of silver coins, but they don't know where they are.
And even though we know Merry's mother is the villain, Merry doesn't demure when the queen sends people to retrieve Merry's personal items from Valcourt; yes, just advertise your whereabouts as you hide from your mother...
Writing: Honestly, the writing is terrible. It reads like a rough draft written by 14 year old. The dialogue is like listening to a group of toddlers. "I'll tell the king. The king will understand. The king is a smart man. The king is smart because he is well educated. I'm well educated." Uh...what? That's basically the formula for every piece of dialogue. Even the "really smart" characters ramble like this. At one point, one of the characters starts rambling about a saint that died from a cut on the sole of his foot? The character doesn't know what the moral of the story is; I don't know what the story had to do with the overall book; but, by jove, I now know there was a saint that died from a cut on the bottom of his foot. Thank you...?
My favorite part of the dialogue, though, is all the cutesey, saint phrases that every, single character uses.
"By St Catherine's bonny face."
"Praise the blessed and merciful virgin's womb."
"Thank St Bartholomew's left toe."
"By St Patrick's snake repelling staff."
"Thank St Albartross' holy boiled butt."
Ok, so I made some of these up...but that's only because mine are better. I actually would have thought it was funny, IF it had been a quirk of one character. Maybe a character who treads the line between devout and irreverent. That would have fit. As it was, these sayings were grating.
And those infernal lists! Merry writes lists. Garron writes lists. The queen writes lists. Maybe Garron will show Merry his lists. (Is that supposed to be a euphemism)? Every single chapter, somebody has to bring up these damn lists that they like to compile.
The narrator's voice was confusing as hell. It would switch from the inner monologue of one character to the next without any clear indication. For instance, Garron knows Merry has lied to him, but he's not sure about what exactly. He asks her a question, and she answers, realizing her answer is less than convincing. The narrator says "She was a terrible liar." But is it Garron that thinks that? Or is it Merry that thinks that about herself?
Character Chemistry: there is none. I could leave it at that...but I have to talk about the sex scene...or rather, the rape scene. Because that is exactly what it is! Merry forces herself on Garron while he's sleeping. The author skirts the issue of consent, by having Garron "participate" even though he's sleeping (he's dreaming about a former paramour, who used to wake him in the middle of the night to have sex). Waking up, Garron, convinced that the king is going to behead him for taking Merry's maidenhead, decides he might as well make the most of it and starts to force himself on her. He stops, when she asks him to, but still. Both characters are totally skeevy and completely awful human beings. Her for literally raping him. And him for attempting to rape her back. It was a train wreck, I couldn't look away. To top it off, the scene ends with Garron saying "Men can't be forced." Now, I do not expect every character to have a perfectly, enlightened worldview. That would be completely unrealistic and unbelievable. But, the narrator could have thrown something in there like "Merry realized the enormity of what she had done. She realized her actions didn't just effect her, but had also caused Garron pain. Pain that he was too proud to admit." Or anything!