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The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family
Every day headlines are filled with examples of narcissistic individuals in positions of power who are nothing more than impostors plundering and wrecking havoc on the lives of others. From the financial barons of Wall Street to our elected officials in government, we are confronted daily with narcissists and the self-serving systems that enable them. Helping people reclaim their lives from this sinister exploitative force is the mission behind Payson's book, The Wizard of Oz and Other Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family. Using simple metaphors from the American classic, The Wizard of Oz, Payson illustrates how Dorothy's journey captures all the seductive illusions and challenges that occur when we encounter the narcissist. Empowering the reader with the ABCs of unhealthy narcissism and the unique problems that occur when a person becomes involved with the narcissist, Payson gives step-by-step practical tools to identify, protect, and heal from these destructive relationships. Largely un-addressed in the psychology and self-help literature, this ground breaking book offers hope and help to those who have been drawn into these devastating relationships. She includes illuminating case studies that identify the problems that occur in the different types of relationships, from co-workers, to friends, to parents, to lovers. Readers employing these insights and skills will find new abilities to identify and protect against the narcissist's manipulations and take back control of their lives.
187 pages, Kindle Edition
First published January 1, 2002
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 183 reviews
February 9, 2013
It took me forever to read, The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists, mostly because I was raised by a narcissist, and I had to stop reading the book whenever something I read reminded me of my own life experiences to go and write in my journal instead.
I’d read like, 3 pages of this book and then think, “Wholly Mackerel! I didn’t know that was narcissistic behavior!” Then, I’d go write about my feelings. . . .I now have a whole journal filled with my own codependent ramblings. I should take my journal and drop it off to be analyzed by a therapist.
No matter how crazy I may be, it’s still a true fact that The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists is a very helpful and informative read. The writer of the book, Eleanor Payson, is a licensed marital and family therapist specializing in the treatment and support of codependents in their interactions with narcissistic individuals.
In the book, Payson outlines the narcissistic person’s worldview, and the various types of narcissistic folks you are likely to meet. I have been blessed with relationships with both the overt and the covert narcissist and I was particularly excited to read about their various behavioral manifestations.
Payson explores the different types of dysfunctional relationships a person can enter into with a narcissist. You can have a narcissist for a parent and they can mess you up real good. Or, perhaps you would enjoy having a narcissist as a boss or coworker. There’s always the irritating and heart breaking relationship that a codependent can enter into known as the “romantic” relationship. A relationship that further traumatizes a codependent individual when the divorce attorney said codependent eventually hires turns out to be narcissistic as well.
Bah! Narcissists are all over the place, irritating me.
Anyway, if you keep reading The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists, you discover that a person can be so codependent that they come full circle and become narcissistic themselves. The childhood wounding that creates a narcissist is the same type of wounding that creates a codependent so really, the two disorders are just opposite sides of the same coin.
The most valuable part of the book is where Payson outlines the various steps a person can undertake to recover from their dysfunctional relationships. She describes a healing journey that she has seen unfold time and time again in her therapy practice, and she offers up various resources she recommends for treatment.
The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissist is an excellent book that I am glad I read. I feel less special knowing that my issues are not new or unique. It’s nice to pick up a book and be like, “Eureka! They know what I have and wait. . . . there is a cure!”
Remember folks, there’s nothing new on this earth and if you have a problem there’s most likely a book that’s been written about it. Stop being a jerk and go the library and work on your issues already.
I’d read like, 3 pages of this book and then think, “Wholly Mackerel! I didn’t know that was narcissistic behavior!” Then, I’d go write about my feelings. . . .I now have a whole journal filled with my own codependent ramblings. I should take my journal and drop it off to be analyzed by a therapist.
No matter how crazy I may be, it’s still a true fact that The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists is a very helpful and informative read. The writer of the book, Eleanor Payson, is a licensed marital and family therapist specializing in the treatment and support of codependents in their interactions with narcissistic individuals.
In the book, Payson outlines the narcissistic person’s worldview, and the various types of narcissistic folks you are likely to meet. I have been blessed with relationships with both the overt and the covert narcissist and I was particularly excited to read about their various behavioral manifestations.
Payson explores the different types of dysfunctional relationships a person can enter into with a narcissist. You can have a narcissist for a parent and they can mess you up real good. Or, perhaps you would enjoy having a narcissist as a boss or coworker. There’s always the irritating and heart breaking relationship that a codependent can enter into known as the “romantic” relationship. A relationship that further traumatizes a codependent individual when the divorce attorney said codependent eventually hires turns out to be narcissistic as well.
Bah! Narcissists are all over the place, irritating me.
Anyway, if you keep reading The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists, you discover that a person can be so codependent that they come full circle and become narcissistic themselves. The childhood wounding that creates a narcissist is the same type of wounding that creates a codependent so really, the two disorders are just opposite sides of the same coin.
The most valuable part of the book is where Payson outlines the various steps a person can undertake to recover from their dysfunctional relationships. She describes a healing journey that she has seen unfold time and time again in her therapy practice, and she offers up various resources she recommends for treatment.
The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissist is an excellent book that I am glad I read. I feel less special knowing that my issues are not new or unique. It’s nice to pick up a book and be like, “Eureka! They know what I have and wait. . . . there is a cure!”
Remember folks, there’s nothing new on this earth and if you have a problem there’s most likely a book that’s been written about it. Stop being a jerk and go the library and work on your issues already.
November 14, 2012
This is perhaps the most insightful book I have ever read. It answered so many questions lingering in my mind since years. I'm so glad to have found this book yesterday. I finished it in less than 24 hours.
Dale Carnegie said that the self is most important for each person and by extension narcissism, is but natural The author endorses this fact as well as she said that all of us exhibit narcissism to some extent, but when it exceeds certain limits and turns toxic, then we have a problematic individual at our hands.
Unfortunately, I have dealt with NPD personalities more often than most people. I was baffled by their selfishness and their wanton quest for material success, even as they possessed no outstanding quality. The book gave revealing insights into their behavior. While reading some paragraphs it felt as if they had been written to describe my encounters with certain very unpleasant men and women in social and work settings.
To add to the book, in my opinion codependents are not always beset with low self esteem or childhood trauma. They may very well be people who possess an extra barrel of empathy and a genuine regard for their friend/family. Narcissists would latch on to such people and suck the life out of them. However, it's of paramount importance in healing, not to resent our "giving nature" for that can in turn deplete us of empathy, which is ironically missing from the core of the narcissist's despicable personality.
If you know what you're up against, you can fight it. This book teaches you exactly that. If there is a shortcoming in the book, it is an absolute lack of tips for a( defining boundaries (it refers to another book for that) and b) for ensuring reciprocal exchange. But even then, it is a great book to read.
Dale Carnegie said that the self is most important for each person and by extension narcissism, is but natural The author endorses this fact as well as she said that all of us exhibit narcissism to some extent, but when it exceeds certain limits and turns toxic, then we have a problematic individual at our hands.
Unfortunately, I have dealt with NPD personalities more often than most people. I was baffled by their selfishness and their wanton quest for material success, even as they possessed no outstanding quality. The book gave revealing insights into their behavior. While reading some paragraphs it felt as if they had been written to describe my encounters with certain very unpleasant men and women in social and work settings.
To add to the book, in my opinion codependents are not always beset with low self esteem or childhood trauma. They may very well be people who possess an extra barrel of empathy and a genuine regard for their friend/family. Narcissists would latch on to such people and suck the life out of them. However, it's of paramount importance in healing, not to resent our "giving nature" for that can in turn deplete us of empathy, which is ironically missing from the core of the narcissist's despicable personality.
If you know what you're up against, you can fight it. This book teaches you exactly that. If there is a shortcoming in the book, it is an absolute lack of tips for a( defining boundaries (it refers to another book for that) and b) for ensuring reciprocal exchange. But even then, it is a great book to read.
October 30, 2013
I think I must recommend this book once a week in my practice. Narcissism is a serious character disorder that affects perhaps 1-2% of people in our culture, giving them a distorted sense of self.
It looks like over-the-top self love, but is in fact a mask hiding self doubt and despair. Those who come to love them often feel desperately empty themselves because their love is not returned in a full and easy way. They eventually come to know, deep inside, that their loved one doesn't know what it means to feel empathy for them. Love becomes more of an obligation, or at best, a gift they give to their family member.
Learning how to cope can be a painful and difficult journey.
It looks like over-the-top self love, but is in fact a mask hiding self doubt and despair. Those who come to love them often feel desperately empty themselves because their love is not returned in a full and easy way. They eventually come to know, deep inside, that their loved one doesn't know what it means to feel empathy for them. Love becomes more of an obligation, or at best, a gift they give to their family member.
Learning how to cope can be a painful and difficult journey.
November 29, 2013
I purchased this book to give to a friend who has just divorced her husband, who has narcissistic personality disorder. Before giving it to her, I read it myself. We all have experiences with various people who exhibit narcissistic tendencies, including ourselves. This book offers a clear explanation of what those tendencies are, how to recognize them and how to deal with them. Particularly helpful are the chapters that address the impact of narcissistic adults on children in families. My friend will use this book to help educate her adult children about the manipulative behavior of their father and help them understand his impact on their lives. It will be a step toward their reaching mental and emotional health.
November 3, 2014
What a great book. For me this was a validating and healing journey. For anyone who has encountered someone with narcissistic tendencies this book answers many questions giving you some insight as to why they behave the way they do and how you can deal with it...if you choose to.
I recommend this book for anyone in an abusive relationship or is close to someone who is. Had I been given this book 12 years ago, even though it was still applicable then, I wouldn't have regarded it as I did at this time in my life. Timing is an important element when recognizing and making life changes are a necessity. Patience is often a lifetime friend.
I recommend this book for anyone in an abusive relationship or is close to someone who is. Had I been given this book 12 years ago, even though it was still applicable then, I wouldn't have regarded it as I did at this time in my life. Timing is an important element when recognizing and making life changes are a necessity. Patience is often a lifetime friend.
January 26, 2015
What an excellent book! This book describes in laymen's terms what a narcissist is. I realized I am surrounded by them! Not only does it describe the problem, but gives excellent ideas on how to stand up to the manipulative tactics these people pull on everyone close to them. I highly recommend it!
September 4, 2015
The finding out that all those years in therapy's revolving door, being told I was the poster child for normal,yet knowing I was a horibble person who ruined everything and was destined to live the remainder of my days unloved, or alone, was really an illusion created by narcissistic parents and embedded into my young mind. Well to say the least it was life changing. This book was a gift to me from a buddy in AA he simply said, you are not your fathers failure, his failure was being a narcissist incapable of being a father. The same words take on different meaning if you can step back and unscramble the lies that come from a narcissistic person. They do not think with the same strand of rational thought as you do, I should know, I tried getting clean for decades. The kicker was when someone sat me down and said "you're not an alcoholic you dip sh*t. You are a King Baby syndrome having, Drama loving, Narcissist with possibly undiagnosed borderline personality disorder."
I ask my friend what he did when he was told that. He laughed and said "I punched him square in the jaw. What do you think I did? But I also went home and looked into what he told me and saw a hell of a lot of similarities in what he suggested and my own personality."
So I inquired further, asking if he then went to apologize. He smiled and stood up patting my shoulder and shaking his head as he handed me the book and said "Worse. I made the jerk my sponsor."
That friend recently got his 20yr chip and so I thought no harm could come from reading up on this.
Life friggin changing.
The more I read the more the clouds lifted and the more I saw myself as an individual not an embarrassing stain on my parents repertoire.
I distanced then eventually cut myself off from my parents.
I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I went from introverted and desperate for approval teenager, to a strong healthy sober and loved adult. I have a husband who is amazing and a 5yr old son who lights up my world. Neither of them will ever know the pain of being manipulated by a sociopathic narcissist because thanks to this book and others like it, I know what a trumped up, egomaniac, ridiculous, person my father is. I am no longer afraid of him, or disappointing him. I am just happy to be living a life free of him.
I ask my friend what he did when he was told that. He laughed and said "I punched him square in the jaw. What do you think I did? But I also went home and looked into what he told me and saw a hell of a lot of similarities in what he suggested and my own personality."
So I inquired further, asking if he then went to apologize. He smiled and stood up patting my shoulder and shaking his head as he handed me the book and said "Worse. I made the jerk my sponsor."
That friend recently got his 20yr chip and so I thought no harm could come from reading up on this.
Life friggin changing.
The more I read the more the clouds lifted and the more I saw myself as an individual not an embarrassing stain on my parents repertoire.
I distanced then eventually cut myself off from my parents.
I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. I went from introverted and desperate for approval teenager, to a strong healthy sober and loved adult. I have a husband who is amazing and a 5yr old son who lights up my world. Neither of them will ever know the pain of being manipulated by a sociopathic narcissist because thanks to this book and others like it, I know what a trumped up, egomaniac, ridiculous, person my father is. I am no longer afraid of him, or disappointing him. I am just happy to be living a life free of him.
January 1, 2017
I almost never write reviews for books, but this one was by far the most insightful, helpful, and ultimately catalyzing book that I've read in a long time. Really helped me to understand otherwise inexplicable behaviors that I keep coming up against, both with myself and people in my life. It's a great resource for both people with codependency issues and narcissistic issues to start to gain insight into their defenses and start making healthy changes. There's even a section at the end that discusses malignant narcissism and fascism as seen during Hitler's regime and Bin Laden's leadership of Al Qaeda. It's eerie how the book almost predicts the rise of Donald Trump as well.
But! First and foremost this is a book to help the individual understand their own codependency or narcissism, and begin to take steps toward healing. I cannot recommend this book enough!
But! First and foremost this is a book to help the individual understand their own codependency or narcissism, and begin to take steps toward healing. I cannot recommend this book enough!
September 3, 2019
Authoritative and based on therapeutic experience, this book is also practical and sensitive. It is very educational and revealing about the dynamics of anger and codependency toward a narcissistic person. Anyone with boundary problems, or a history of relationships with narcissists, would get a lot of validation and resolve from this book. It includes strategies for dealing with or exiting a one-way relationship in a healthy, calm way without exploding or self-destructing.
December 4, 2016
This is a very thoughtful and accessible book about narcissism - the different forms it takes, its root causes, narcissists' effects on the people around them, and some strategies for protecting yourself from narcissistic wounds. The chapter subtitles give you a good idea of the contents of the book:
1) The Illusory World of the Narcissist
2) The Overt and Covert Narcissist
3) The Boundaries of Self
4) The Parent/Child Relationship
5) The Healing Journey for the "Adult Child" of the NPD Parent
6) The Intimate Love Relationship
7) The Social or Professional Relationship
8) The Shared Road to Recovery
The actual chapter titles are more theatrical, with names like "You're not in Kansas Anymore" and "Follow Your Yellow Brick Road", and I thought flavoring the discussion with metaphors from fairy tales and characters from the Wizard of Oz was a nice touch that provided the right mix of familiar examples and grandiose fantasy.
For some reason, I had never connected the Wizard of Oz to narcissism. It is obvious in retrospect, having learned more about what narcissism is, because he is, after all, a frightened and insecure little man hiding behind the pomp and circumstance of his fake persona. As a child, I was mainly enraptured by the surprise ending, the discovery that there was no all-powerful Oz, that Dorothy and her friends had to rely on themselves - and the realization that that was what they had been doing the whole time. But in real life, if you are enmeshed in a relationship with someone who behaves like Oz, the surprise ending is not comedy, but tragedy. It is the profound loss of what was meant to be an exciting and stimulating relationship, but turns out to be smoke and mirrors.
The book does a great job of going into all those details, but in a very conversational and loving style so you are not overwhelmed by psychological double-speak. That is not to say that the psychological background is not there - it is - but the writing is clear and easily understood for the most part. In addition, the author goes to great lengths to describe the variations in how the narcissists may present themselves, and the continuum of narcissism along which all humans fall, and the subgrouping of overt and covert narcissism. This was very helpful, not only for understanding narcissism in a more well-rounded way, but for assisting readers in being able to identify narcissistic personalities even when they don't conform to the cliche of a Paris Hilton or Donald Trump. The loving conversational style used throughout the book was very apropos for the topic. Narcissistic wounds can create the idea that a person does not deserve self-care, and does not deserve loving attention in relation to others. The nurturing language used by the author counters this message, and seems to recommend her wisdom on this subject.
If I had one main complaint, it is that the whole thing reads like a conversation, so sometimes it is hard to see the defining edges between each topic, and have a clear picture in your head of the main points being discussed. It does help that each chapter contains a final summary of points, and that each chapter focused on one aspect of the narcissistic phenomenon or relationships; it just would have been nice if each chapter was broken into similarly outlined headings (some are, but it is sporadic). Sometimes the chapter summaries included extra thoughts that were not included in the chapter, which was disorienting, and could make the reader feel like they are missing something.
The other thing that would have improved this book is more concrete examples of how to set your own boundaries and heal from relationships with narcissists. The author did go into this in some detail, with a few examples, but it was not enough to give the reader confidence that they could make a plan of action on their own. The final chapter talked about resources outside the book that could be used for healing and developing ongoing strategies. This was helpful, but I don't think the book came through on its promise in the subtitle - "Coping with the One-Way Relationship". By the end of the book you do indeed understand the narcissist relationship dynamic, and are sensitive to its consequences, but you only have the barest beginning on ways to cope. Still, I would recommend this book for readers interested in gaining insight into the complex and painful narcissist dynamic, in understanding the wounds that can occur from interacting with narcissists, and who appreciate the nurturing conversational style that encourages further healing for those affected.
1) The Illusory World of the Narcissist
2) The Overt and Covert Narcissist
3) The Boundaries of Self
4) The Parent/Child Relationship
5) The Healing Journey for the "Adult Child" of the NPD Parent
6) The Intimate Love Relationship
7) The Social or Professional Relationship
8) The Shared Road to Recovery
The actual chapter titles are more theatrical, with names like "You're not in Kansas Anymore" and "Follow Your Yellow Brick Road", and I thought flavoring the discussion with metaphors from fairy tales and characters from the Wizard of Oz was a nice touch that provided the right mix of familiar examples and grandiose fantasy.
For some reason, I had never connected the Wizard of Oz to narcissism. It is obvious in retrospect, having learned more about what narcissism is, because he is, after all, a frightened and insecure little man hiding behind the pomp and circumstance of his fake persona. As a child, I was mainly enraptured by the surprise ending, the discovery that there was no all-powerful Oz, that Dorothy and her friends had to rely on themselves - and the realization that that was what they had been doing the whole time. But in real life, if you are enmeshed in a relationship with someone who behaves like Oz, the surprise ending is not comedy, but tragedy. It is the profound loss of what was meant to be an exciting and stimulating relationship, but turns out to be smoke and mirrors.
The book does a great job of going into all those details, but in a very conversational and loving style so you are not overwhelmed by psychological double-speak. That is not to say that the psychological background is not there - it is - but the writing is clear and easily understood for the most part. In addition, the author goes to great lengths to describe the variations in how the narcissists may present themselves, and the continuum of narcissism along which all humans fall, and the subgrouping of overt and covert narcissism. This was very helpful, not only for understanding narcissism in a more well-rounded way, but for assisting readers in being able to identify narcissistic personalities even when they don't conform to the cliche of a Paris Hilton or Donald Trump. The loving conversational style used throughout the book was very apropos for the topic. Narcissistic wounds can create the idea that a person does not deserve self-care, and does not deserve loving attention in relation to others. The nurturing language used by the author counters this message, and seems to recommend her wisdom on this subject.
If I had one main complaint, it is that the whole thing reads like a conversation, so sometimes it is hard to see the defining edges between each topic, and have a clear picture in your head of the main points being discussed. It does help that each chapter contains a final summary of points, and that each chapter focused on one aspect of the narcissistic phenomenon or relationships; it just would have been nice if each chapter was broken into similarly outlined headings (some are, but it is sporadic). Sometimes the chapter summaries included extra thoughts that were not included in the chapter, which was disorienting, and could make the reader feel like they are missing something.
The other thing that would have improved this book is more concrete examples of how to set your own boundaries and heal from relationships with narcissists. The author did go into this in some detail, with a few examples, but it was not enough to give the reader confidence that they could make a plan of action on their own. The final chapter talked about resources outside the book that could be used for healing and developing ongoing strategies. This was helpful, but I don't think the book came through on its promise in the subtitle - "Coping with the One-Way Relationship". By the end of the book you do indeed understand the narcissist relationship dynamic, and are sensitive to its consequences, but you only have the barest beginning on ways to cope. Still, I would recommend this book for readers interested in gaining insight into the complex and painful narcissist dynamic, in understanding the wounds that can occur from interacting with narcissists, and who appreciate the nurturing conversational style that encourages further healing for those affected.
November 4, 2014
Chances are, there's a narcissist in your life. Probably more than one. With influence. And that is a big deal.
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family is the book for understanding narcissism as the personality disorder that it is. Dealing narcissists. Avoiding traps.
Author Eleanor D Payson has written this book for the general public. You're not required to have professional training nor special experience to fully benefit from this material. At the same time, nothing has been sacrificed or dumbed-down. Hear a topic about which you need to know more? and still more after that? Keep listening, and this audiobook will cover it.
Structurally, the book opens with invaluable big-picture perspective. What, exactly, is the definition of "narcissism"? and How's that different from otherwise healthy narcissistic tendencies?
Additionally: Did you know that there's more than one type of narcissist?
Indeed.
Ms Payson then provides an end-to-end overview of narcissism in society, a look at key relationship dynamics (e.g., work, parenting dynamics), and what's going on with the people caught-up in the narcissist's sphere. Subsequently, chapters focus-in on key topics (issues), drilling-down to the nitty-gritty, and closing-out coverage of each with excellent summary reviews.
This book isn't simply checking-boxes; it's empowering.
The author's use of "The Wizard of Oz" as framework is both fascinating and well-executed. While many mental-health-oriented books of this type rely heavily upon fictionalized and so-called "composite" characters, those often leave me feeling unconvinced by their pseudo-accountability of the stories they supposedly validate. Their actions too compliant, their fates too perfectly fit to authors' arguments.
Conversely, by inviting readers to consider Oz, Eleanor Payson risks and embraces being second-guessed by those who already know that story, or could choose to independently check her facts and test her observations and conclusions about The Yellow-Brick Road.
It's a risk that pays-off, in spades.
On top of that, it's simply a damn-good metaphore.
I started this review by stating that almost everyone is dealing with a narcissist in his or her life, and that this is causing serious harm. Additionally, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists underscores the fact that narcissistic personality disorder frequently takes a long time to identify, and even specialized experts often miss it.
The only point at which the author herself seems to venture onto unfirm ground is when, in closing, she tries to give generalized direction for help in this area. I'm convinced that she knows it, but that's not the same as guiding you and me through identification and interview processes elsewhere, on our own.
To me, this proves her point: It's far harder to get out of the trap than it is to avoid being snared in the first place.
Elanor Payson has that figured out.
Top marks for choice of Cathryn Bond Doyle as narrator, delivering a just-right tone for content and pleasant listening experience in general.
The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family is the book for understanding narcissism as the personality disorder that it is. Dealing narcissists. Avoiding traps.
Author Eleanor D Payson has written this book for the general public. You're not required to have professional training nor special experience to fully benefit from this material. At the same time, nothing has been sacrificed or dumbed-down. Hear a topic about which you need to know more? and still more after that? Keep listening, and this audiobook will cover it.
Structurally, the book opens with invaluable big-picture perspective. What, exactly, is the definition of "narcissism"? and How's that different from otherwise healthy narcissistic tendencies?
Additionally: Did you know that there's more than one type of narcissist?
Indeed.
Ms Payson then provides an end-to-end overview of narcissism in society, a look at key relationship dynamics (e.g., work, parenting dynamics), and what's going on with the people caught-up in the narcissist's sphere. Subsequently, chapters focus-in on key topics (issues), drilling-down to the nitty-gritty, and closing-out coverage of each with excellent summary reviews.
This book isn't simply checking-boxes; it's empowering.
The author's use of "The Wizard of Oz" as framework is both fascinating and well-executed. While many mental-health-oriented books of this type rely heavily upon fictionalized and so-called "composite" characters, those often leave me feeling unconvinced by their pseudo-accountability of the stories they supposedly validate. Their actions too compliant, their fates too perfectly fit to authors' arguments.
Conversely, by inviting readers to consider Oz, Eleanor Payson risks and embraces being second-guessed by those who already know that story, or could choose to independently check her facts and test her observations and conclusions about The Yellow-Brick Road.
It's a risk that pays-off, in spades.
On top of that, it's simply a damn-good metaphore.
I started this review by stating that almost everyone is dealing with a narcissist in his or her life, and that this is causing serious harm. Additionally, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists underscores the fact that narcissistic personality disorder frequently takes a long time to identify, and even specialized experts often miss it.
The only point at which the author herself seems to venture onto unfirm ground is when, in closing, she tries to give generalized direction for help in this area. I'm convinced that she knows it, but that's not the same as guiding you and me through identification and interview processes elsewhere, on our own.
To me, this proves her point: It's far harder to get out of the trap than it is to avoid being snared in the first place.
Elanor Payson has that figured out.
Top marks for choice of Cathryn Bond Doyle as narrator, delivering a just-right tone for content and pleasant listening experience in general.
October 24, 2017
The comparison of The Wizard of Oz and the characters in that story with narcissism and the people effected by it was a great metaphor.
Oz: The man behind the curtain who sees himself, and needs others to see him, as something greater than he really is. Someone who, when confronted with the truth either becomes angry and defensive, or disappears without a trace.
Dorothy: The person attempting to have a relationship with and constantly seeking to please an NPD individual. Repeatedly disappointed and hurt after giving all. Eventually realizes that she doesn't need the wizard after all; she has everything within her to succeed.
Scarecrow: The need to recognize and intelligently assess the people around us.
Tin man: The desire to be loved and appreciated
Lion: Fear. Fear of facing the narcissist, fear of change. The need for true courage in facing things honestly, not just creating the illusion of grandeur within ourselves and becoming a narcissist ourselves.
Having dealt with more than one "man behind the curtain" in relationships from religious to personal to professional, this book was enlightening.
It took me longer than I had expected to get through this book, primarily because it was fairly painful to be honest about some of the narcissistic relationships in my life and to recognize my own narcissistic tendencies. "The moment of truth is always painful, but also presents the opportunity for healing to begin."
We need to recognize and identify NPD in both individuals and groups. There is more than right and wrong, good and evil, black and white.
Prevention requires the understanding of healthy child rearing skills that involve recognition and empathy for the true feelings of the child and when we recognize NPD behaviors, uprooting them. We need to recognize and identify NPD in both individuals and groups. There is more than right and wrong, good and evil, black and white.
Oz: The man behind the curtain who sees himself, and needs others to see him, as something greater than he really is. Someone who, when confronted with the truth either becomes angry and defensive, or disappears without a trace.
Dorothy: The person attempting to have a relationship with and constantly seeking to please an NPD individual. Repeatedly disappointed and hurt after giving all. Eventually realizes that she doesn't need the wizard after all; she has everything within her to succeed.
Scarecrow: The need to recognize and intelligently assess the people around us.
Tin man: The desire to be loved and appreciated
Lion: Fear. Fear of facing the narcissist, fear of change. The need for true courage in facing things honestly, not just creating the illusion of grandeur within ourselves and becoming a narcissist ourselves.
Having dealt with more than one "man behind the curtain" in relationships from religious to personal to professional, this book was enlightening.
It took me longer than I had expected to get through this book, primarily because it was fairly painful to be honest about some of the narcissistic relationships in my life and to recognize my own narcissistic tendencies. "The moment of truth is always painful, but also presents the opportunity for healing to begin."
We need to recognize and identify NPD in both individuals and groups. There is more than right and wrong, good and evil, black and white.
Prevention requires the understanding of healthy child rearing skills that involve recognition and empathy for the true feelings of the child and when we recognize NPD behaviors, uprooting them. We need to recognize and identify NPD in both individuals and groups. There is more than right and wrong, good and evil, black and white.
April 19, 2018
Whether you had a narcissist parent or two or have had other relationships with narcissists or all of the above, this book will help. It uncovers narcissist behavior, how to deal with it, and ways to heal and not continue having such relationships.
I lent my copy of this book to a former "friend" who is a narcissistic sociopath with borderline personality disorder. She knew I didn't read the book before passing it on to her, so it's no wonder she never returned it. The valuable information in this book is for people (including empaths, although the book doesn't address that) who have been used and abused by manipulators like her. Reading it while associating with her would have given her away.
I lent my copy of this book to a former "friend" who is a narcissistic sociopath with borderline personality disorder. She knew I didn't read the book before passing it on to her, so it's no wonder she never returned it. The valuable information in this book is for people (including empaths, although the book doesn't address that) who have been used and abused by manipulators like her. Reading it while associating with her would have given her away.
January 8, 2023
I had really high expectations for this book, and it didn’t quite meet them. It just wasn’t what I was expecting. I enjoyed the first third or so of the book, but then didn’t relate to much of it. I expected it to be more about healing from relationships with narcissists, but it was more about how to maintain healthy boundaries in an active relationship with a narcissist. It was a good book, just not what I expected, so I dragged my feet a little in reading it.
February 27, 2013
Very helpful book, especially if you grew up with a narcissist caregiver. It is great to see in writing what you might have been feeling for years but didn't know how to express it, or you questioned your own sanity after living with one of these folks. I would recommend for anyone in a relationship with a narcissist.
December 14, 2017
If you find you are surrounded by or often dealing with narcissists than this book is for you. I listened to it which was challenging at times because I would have loved to see the words in text so that I could better absorb the information. That said I did learn a great deal about narcissists and about myself.
September 17, 2016
I read this book for a work situation that I am faced with. The book is very informative and I have learned a lot about NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder). I needed a little more information on the work front so I did not feel that I gained much from this book. But for someone who has to deal with this in a family or private setting, I believe they have much to benefit from this great book.
February 12, 2017
Very good/clear overview of narcissists in the family, relationships, and workplace. Direct and to the point, but very comprehensive. Easy to read with good tips/lists and chapter summaries. Perhaps the best book on NPD.
December 8, 2008
Could be titled "When Self-Esteem Goes Bad..." Recommend for anyone living with a narcissist.
April 2, 2011
Everyone should read this book.
September 9, 2011
Once you read this, you start to identify how narcissism is a disease that is killing our world.
December 13, 2015
If I could give this 10 stars, I would. Phenomenal book!!!!
July 17, 2014
Well written, easy read. It lays out the different relationships where normal folk can get caught up in the narcissists web and how to best deal with them without losing yourself.
November 7, 2014
Good info, not very well written. I kept getting distracted by questionable sentence constructions, but it was still a valuable read.
December 2, 2014
Good insights into what makes some of the difficult people in the world tick and how to deal with them. In some way very chilling.
March 29, 2025
If you’re someone who’s looking to stay in a relationship or who has to be in relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies or even full-blown NPD, then this may be the book for you. My primary takeaway was that this book seeks to strengthen and empower the individual who finds themselves in this dynamic with strategies for setting boundaries, managing interactions, and lowering the harm to self; however, I felt it placed a frustrating amount of responsibility on the considerate or what she was quick to generalize “codependent” person to maintain the relationship.
The author does well to validate and explain the impact on a child or children/sibling groups who are impacted by a NPD parent. She also seeks to empower these individuals with tools and affirm that it is not about them but the parent’s fragile self - full of psychological defenses that make the relationship difficult and painful.
What disappointed me most was how little attention was given to no contact or ending the relationship as a valid and sometimes necessary option, particular in circumstance of abuse. For those of us who have experienced years of boundary violations, manipulation, and emotional/verbal or even physical abuse, this omission felt glaring. While the book acknowledges the challenges of these relationships, it often underestimates the emotional toll they take and assumes that staying and managing is always preferable to walking away.
I also couldn’t help but think of public figures, pretty much the entire time I am reading I had to fight intrusive thoughts about how much of it is describing Trump and his followers. This book was written in 2002, so it speaks to the harm caused by two in particular world changing narcissists - Hitler and Bin Laden - and ironically holds a biases that Boomers are unlikely to produce this type of leader, yet here we are 23 years later in this chaos.
Side note - As a Wizard of Oz fan, the metaphors and chapter titles are kind of fluff, they don’t really actually offer much to the text or dive into the personality typology or relationship dynamics of the characters or story.
Overall, this book might be helpful if you’re trying to navigate a relationship with a narcissist, but if you’re looking for validation or guidance in choosing to leave, it falls short. I appreciated some of the insights, but I wish it had taken a more balanced approach one that fully acknowledged the peace and freedom that can come from cutting ties.
The author does well to validate and explain the impact on a child or children/sibling groups who are impacted by a NPD parent. She also seeks to empower these individuals with tools and affirm that it is not about them but the parent’s fragile self - full of psychological defenses that make the relationship difficult and painful.
What disappointed me most was how little attention was given to no contact or ending the relationship as a valid and sometimes necessary option, particular in circumstance of abuse. For those of us who have experienced years of boundary violations, manipulation, and emotional/verbal or even physical abuse, this omission felt glaring. While the book acknowledges the challenges of these relationships, it often underestimates the emotional toll they take and assumes that staying and managing is always preferable to walking away.
I also couldn’t help but think of public figures, pretty much the entire time I am reading I had to fight intrusive thoughts about how much of it is describing Trump and his followers. This book was written in 2002, so it speaks to the harm caused by two in particular world changing narcissists - Hitler and Bin Laden - and ironically holds a biases that Boomers are unlikely to produce this type of leader, yet here we are 23 years later in this chaos.
Side note - As a Wizard of Oz fan, the metaphors and chapter titles are kind of fluff, they don’t really actually offer much to the text or dive into the personality typology or relationship dynamics of the characters or story.
Overall, this book might be helpful if you’re trying to navigate a relationship with a narcissist, but if you’re looking for validation or guidance in choosing to leave, it falls short. I appreciated some of the insights, but I wish it had taken a more balanced approach one that fully acknowledged the peace and freedom that can come from cutting ties.
December 1, 2016
By far, it is one of the most invaluable references on how to detect and handle narcissists, especially if you are in a place where interdependence is required in the relationship. As I personally suffered from an excruciating endless pain from such a relationship with my boss in the workplace, I read a large number of books but to no avail until I was fully able to grasp the full picure only after completing this book.
For those who are suffering from close relationship with an NPD, you will find below a detailed summary on figuring how to carry on with this relationshp.
Dysfunctional relationships with NPD need efforts to change the situation. Without so, serious symptoms may include depression, chronic anger, stress, escape mechanism such as addictive behaviors, etc.. . On the one hand, the NPD person is incapable of experiencing full sense of self, thus, he experiences other ppl as extension of himself by absorb them into his boundaries. (Behaviors that the NPD uses to manipulate other ppl: admiration idealization, intimidation, distraction, martyr guilt, devaluing, repetitive criticism, double msg and double bind, projection, and emotional hostage.
More importantly, the NPD is unlikely to change w/o proactive efforts of someone close to him.
To protect yourself from pain and frustration use the following coping techniques: self-care, boundary setting, and communication.
With regard to love, taking a stand for your feelings though breakup might turn the NPD into showing a convincing display into intentions to mend his ways, targeting you for the misunderstanding in the relationship.
On the other hand, it's important to tackle lack of healthy narcism. One of the apparent aspects of it is when you are giving more than you receive, you are suffering from co-dependency issues (over accommodating others). So, your care taking tendencies can leave you blind to discover if the other is willing to participate in a blossoming relationship. This problem involves people who are other focused (i.e. the opposite of a narcissist).
With regard to the narcissist in the work place, you will see the NPD tends to use mechanisms like attention in effort to gratify you and as soon you become closely involved, you will feel a sense of frustration (distraction from work), and excess of attention and support. Over time, you will have growing feeling of uneasiness and exacerbation.
Consideration to following questions should be given to determine the intensity of the narcissistic dynamic.
1- Do you get emotionally drained, upset, or preoccupied after you contacts with this person?
2- Do you begin to doubt yourself or your competence on the job or feel insecure about his true opinion of you?
3- Are work performance expectations unclear and often changing?
4- Do you frequently feel frustrated, angry, or resentful after interactions wit him?
5- Are you taking care of your own cares less and less?
6- Are you increasingly experiencing a confused mixture of feelings like anxiety, intimidation, powerlessness, or inadequacy?
If these feeling are occurring, you are possibly witnessing a fraction of the support/recognition you deserve, conflicting or double msgs regarding responsibility and performance, your advancements were given unfair or delay of review or no review of all giving you the msg that you are unimportant, a sense that your credibility and competence in the eyes of others are being undermined!
If so is happening, then, it's time for boundary setting and accountability strategies. In severe circumstances, you may need to end the relationship.
While working things with the NPD at work be aware that constructive feedback will often be met with defense reactions and serious distortion of your intention, continuing to placate him you will only fell prey for more demands and unfair treatment.
Survival mechanisms with the NPD person at work include beginning to set limits on the amount of time you are willing to listen to him, be more sparing in your praise and support, identify and rehearse phrases that will offer you graceful exit from conversations or meetings.
Anticipate the NPD responses by resisting calmly being drawn into combative interactions if he begins to assign blame, avoid guilt in your part cause it might make you try to make him happy, use the leverage of your own expertise to keep his behavior in check (be cautious as you offer your advice, remain vigilant of what he wants from you as cooperation will only remain as long as there is sth he wants from you, be ready to stand up for yourself w/o expectation he will acknowledge your position, and utilize a support person.
Keeping a daily log of your work efforts is your number one ally, as this will improve your overall performance, increase your self-confidence. Also, document any task of significance with specific description of progress along side notations of relevant discussions you had about this project. Such log should be private and it will allow you to have factual source of information in the event that a more formal documentation may be needed, as it will help you to validate your own reality if the NPD undermines what you believe took place. Memos highlighting new decisions are safety mechanisms as well as memos summarizing discussions you had with your boss on matters related to your performance. These are public records and you will want to send a copy to all individuals concerned. Two things are automatically taken care of here: 1) clearing up any misunderstandings may have occurred by creating an accountability system for communication, 2) surface or mitigate any resistance on you boss's part to clearly state his expectations of you, as he often engages in double msg.
An important note, if you have an NPD employer/boss who is threatened by you or making your life miserable, you may only be at best in a position to implement damage control. You may not be able to prevent that you must find another position or job, however, you will feel much better if you exercise more control over what unfolds.
For those who are suffering from close relationship with an NPD, you will find below a detailed summary on figuring how to carry on with this relationshp.
Dysfunctional relationships with NPD need efforts to change the situation. Without so, serious symptoms may include depression, chronic anger, stress, escape mechanism such as addictive behaviors, etc.. . On the one hand, the NPD person is incapable of experiencing full sense of self, thus, he experiences other ppl as extension of himself by absorb them into his boundaries. (Behaviors that the NPD uses to manipulate other ppl: admiration idealization, intimidation, distraction, martyr guilt, devaluing, repetitive criticism, double msg and double bind, projection, and emotional hostage.
More importantly, the NPD is unlikely to change w/o proactive efforts of someone close to him.
To protect yourself from pain and frustration use the following coping techniques: self-care, boundary setting, and communication.
With regard to love, taking a stand for your feelings though breakup might turn the NPD into showing a convincing display into intentions to mend his ways, targeting you for the misunderstanding in the relationship.
On the other hand, it's important to tackle lack of healthy narcism. One of the apparent aspects of it is when you are giving more than you receive, you are suffering from co-dependency issues (over accommodating others). So, your care taking tendencies can leave you blind to discover if the other is willing to participate in a blossoming relationship. This problem involves people who are other focused (i.e. the opposite of a narcissist).
With regard to the narcissist in the work place, you will see the NPD tends to use mechanisms like attention in effort to gratify you and as soon you become closely involved, you will feel a sense of frustration (distraction from work), and excess of attention and support. Over time, you will have growing feeling of uneasiness and exacerbation.
Consideration to following questions should be given to determine the intensity of the narcissistic dynamic.
1- Do you get emotionally drained, upset, or preoccupied after you contacts with this person?
2- Do you begin to doubt yourself or your competence on the job or feel insecure about his true opinion of you?
3- Are work performance expectations unclear and often changing?
4- Do you frequently feel frustrated, angry, or resentful after interactions wit him?
5- Are you taking care of your own cares less and less?
6- Are you increasingly experiencing a confused mixture of feelings like anxiety, intimidation, powerlessness, or inadequacy?
If these feeling are occurring, you are possibly witnessing a fraction of the support/recognition you deserve, conflicting or double msgs regarding responsibility and performance, your advancements were given unfair or delay of review or no review of all giving you the msg that you are unimportant, a sense that your credibility and competence in the eyes of others are being undermined!
If so is happening, then, it's time for boundary setting and accountability strategies. In severe circumstances, you may need to end the relationship.
While working things with the NPD at work be aware that constructive feedback will often be met with defense reactions and serious distortion of your intention, continuing to placate him you will only fell prey for more demands and unfair treatment.
Survival mechanisms with the NPD person at work include beginning to set limits on the amount of time you are willing to listen to him, be more sparing in your praise and support, identify and rehearse phrases that will offer you graceful exit from conversations or meetings.
Anticipate the NPD responses by resisting calmly being drawn into combative interactions if he begins to assign blame, avoid guilt in your part cause it might make you try to make him happy, use the leverage of your own expertise to keep his behavior in check (be cautious as you offer your advice, remain vigilant of what he wants from you as cooperation will only remain as long as there is sth he wants from you, be ready to stand up for yourself w/o expectation he will acknowledge your position, and utilize a support person.
Keeping a daily log of your work efforts is your number one ally, as this will improve your overall performance, increase your self-confidence. Also, document any task of significance with specific description of progress along side notations of relevant discussions you had about this project. Such log should be private and it will allow you to have factual source of information in the event that a more formal documentation may be needed, as it will help you to validate your own reality if the NPD undermines what you believe took place. Memos highlighting new decisions are safety mechanisms as well as memos summarizing discussions you had with your boss on matters related to your performance. These are public records and you will want to send a copy to all individuals concerned. Two things are automatically taken care of here: 1) clearing up any misunderstandings may have occurred by creating an accountability system for communication, 2) surface or mitigate any resistance on you boss's part to clearly state his expectations of you, as he often engages in double msg.
An important note, if you have an NPD employer/boss who is threatened by you or making your life miserable, you may only be at best in a position to implement damage control. You may not be able to prevent that you must find another position or job, however, you will feel much better if you exercise more control over what unfolds.
November 7, 2020
This was just plain unhelpful. The language is way to jargony for the layperson. Too often the author discusses tactics that just don’t work when dealing with a narcissist. Telling the victim of narcissictic abuse that they’re going to have narcissistic traits no matter what and they just have to deal with it is ridiculous. Explaining that we just have to understand the mind and background of a person with NPD will help us have a relationship with them is just insane. You cannot deal with a narcissist. You cannot talk to a narcissist. And to tell someone trying to cope with trauma and abuse that they can is irresponsible.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 15, 2021
I read this book several years ago to better understand a work colleague who was making my life a surreal hell on earth. It certainly did help me better understand what and who I was dealing with, BUT it offered no real solutions, except avoidance--which is not always possible! Nevertheless, it helped to put the behavior into context and to know that I wasn't losing my mind (at least with regard to my narcissist colleague!). I recommend this book even for people who don't think they have a narcissist in their life, so that you can spot one before you spend too much time banging your head against the wall. Actually, if you've spent any time looking at our political class, you'll find that narcissists are over-represented in that group.
December 5, 2023
I cannot speak highly enough of this book. If you find yourself in a situation where you are interacting with a narcissist or have in your past (work or personal life) this book will be the support you need.
You are not crazy, the things you experienced are real and this book will be there for you along the way as you leave and heal from that situation.
While most five star ratings I give means I want everyone to read it, this is one book I pray you never need in your life.
You are not crazy, the things you experienced are real and this book will be there for you along the way as you leave and heal from that situation.
While most five star ratings I give means I want everyone to read it, this is one book I pray you never need in your life.
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