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The End of Sex: How Hookup Culture is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy
Hookup culture dominates the lives of college students today, and many feel great pressure to engage in it. This pressure comes from all directions—from peers, the media, and even parents. But how do these expectations affect students themselves? And why aren’t parents and universities helping students make better-informed decisions about sex and relationships? In The End of Sex, Donna Freitas uses students’ own testimonies to define hookup culture and propose ways of opting out for those yearning for meaningful relationships. Unless students can find alternatives to hookup culture, Freitas argues, the vast majority will continue to associate sexuality with ambivalence, boredom, isolation, and loneliness instead of the romance, intimacy, and good sex they want and deserve.
An honest, sympathetic portrait of the challenges of young adulthood, The End of Sex offers a refreshing take on this charged topic—and a solution that depends not on premarital abstinence or unfettered sexuality, but rather a healthy path between the two.
An honest, sympathetic portrait of the challenges of young adulthood, The End of Sex offers a refreshing take on this charged topic—and a solution that depends not on premarital abstinence or unfettered sexuality, but rather a healthy path between the two.
240 pages, Hardcover
First published January 29, 2013
20 people are currently reading
927 people want to read
About the author
Donna Freitas
34 books638 followersDonna Freitas is the author of The Nine Lives of Rose Napolitano, Consent: A Memoir of Unwanted Attention, and many other novels and nonfiction books for adults, children, and young adults. Her latest YA novel is a rom-com that takes place in her favorite city, Barcelona: Stefi and the Spanish Prince. She has been featured on NPR and The Today Show, and her writing has appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The LA Times, among many other places. Donna currently serves on the faculty at Fairleigh Dickinson University’s MFA program. She also lives half the year in Barcelona where she loves partaking of its many bakeries and delicious restaurants galore. Learn more about Donna at www.donnafreitas.com and on Substack: https://donnafreitas.substack.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 45 reviews
November 10, 2014
I got this book from my college's library, and one of the previous readers penciled in many sarcastic, scathing comments throughout (which I erased cause they were not only obnoxious and off base, but utterly distracting). I can certainly understand why someone--particularly a college student like myself--might take issue with this book. On some level, it does feel a bit like Freitas comes onto the playground and bulldozes our swing set, dismantling what not only seems like harmless fun but is, essentially, the only thing most students have to look forward to on the weekends.
That being said, I think it's more accurate to say that Freitas comes onto the playground with a clipboard and a flashlight and shows us that our swings are rusted to the core and our slide is punctured with nails.
The only reason this book didn't have a life-changing impact on me is because I know and can attest to almost everything she says--even in high school, the ridiculous (and not-very-sexy) prevalence of hookup culture disturbed me beyond comprehension. Of course, as Freitas points out, students like me who don't find fulfillment in the monotonous grind-fest of hookup culture, but are hardly Bible-thumping, True Love Waits followers, are left to feel isolated and overly-sensitive. I have written a couple of personal essays on the emotionally-disconnected, media-programmed sex cult of my generation, but I actually thought this point of view was unique to me. According to Freitas, most students, even--and especially--men, actually do find that hookup culture doesn't fill the void: it makes it deeper.
I do think she puts a lot of emphasis on dating and romance in lieu of sex (not everyone wants this as an alternative) but I think it's simply her way of trying to redefine sexual relationships in terms of emotional fulfillment as opposed to mindless (heartless?) physicality.
It's true, my generation doesn't know how to date, or even how to ask someone out. When my mother asks me why I don't just ask him if he wants to hang out, I could never explain to her that people don't do that--you don't decide to get to know each other and go out anymore. You hook up, and if it turns into a long-term committed relationship, THEN maybe you'll go to dinner or something (I've heard it explained this way: in high school, the question is "how long are we gonna date before we f***?" In college, the question is "how long are we gonna f*** before we date?").
Freitas does a great job of highlighting this problem--she is not at all anti-sex or sex negative, and she's not trying to sell a "wait until marriage" agenda. I can say honestly--because I'm surrounded by it--that she is simply telling the truth. Hookup culture might not be the end of sex, but according to Freitas (and I'm inclined to agree with her) it is the end of good sex.
~~If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend Michael Kimmel's Guyland The Perilous World where Boys Become Men. I think it makes an excellent pairing with this one!~~
That being said, I think it's more accurate to say that Freitas comes onto the playground with a clipboard and a flashlight and shows us that our swings are rusted to the core and our slide is punctured with nails.
The only reason this book didn't have a life-changing impact on me is because I know and can attest to almost everything she says--even in high school, the ridiculous (and not-very-sexy) prevalence of hookup culture disturbed me beyond comprehension. Of course, as Freitas points out, students like me who don't find fulfillment in the monotonous grind-fest of hookup culture, but are hardly Bible-thumping, True Love Waits followers, are left to feel isolated and overly-sensitive. I have written a couple of personal essays on the emotionally-disconnected, media-programmed sex cult of my generation, but I actually thought this point of view was unique to me. According to Freitas, most students, even--and especially--men, actually do find that hookup culture doesn't fill the void: it makes it deeper.
I do think she puts a lot of emphasis on dating and romance in lieu of sex (not everyone wants this as an alternative) but I think it's simply her way of trying to redefine sexual relationships in terms of emotional fulfillment as opposed to mindless (heartless?) physicality.
It's true, my generation doesn't know how to date, or even how to ask someone out. When my mother asks me why I don't just ask him if he wants to hang out, I could never explain to her that people don't do that--you don't decide to get to know each other and go out anymore. You hook up, and if it turns into a long-term committed relationship, THEN maybe you'll go to dinner or something (I've heard it explained this way: in high school, the question is "how long are we gonna date before we f***?" In college, the question is "how long are we gonna f*** before we date?").
Freitas does a great job of highlighting this problem--she is not at all anti-sex or sex negative, and she's not trying to sell a "wait until marriage" agenda. I can say honestly--because I'm surrounded by it--that she is simply telling the truth. Hookup culture might not be the end of sex, but according to Freitas (and I'm inclined to agree with her) it is the end of good sex.
~~If you are interested in this topic, I highly recommend Michael Kimmel's Guyland The Perilous World where Boys Become Men. I think it makes an excellent pairing with this one!~~
April 18, 2022
Freitas brings up interesting and fair criticisms about hookup culture on collage campuses but I'm not sure I completely agree with all her arguments. She takes a bit of a moderate approach to understanding alternatives which is helpful in providing a variety of potential social scripts but not as nuanced as I would have preferred. Overall presented some worthwhile thoughts to ponder.
January 24, 2013
Freitas's book deals with the hookup culture prominent on American college campuses. High school graduates enter college knowing they are supposed to have sex - lots of it - with no strings attached. They go to parties where the alcohol is flowing, lose their inhibitions, engage in some flavor of hooking up, then lie about it the next day (the girls generally downplay what happened; the boys exaggerate). Freitas posits that most college students don't like this arrangement and would rather have real relationships with other people, but they don't know how anymore, to the point where Boston College has a class where one of the homework assignments is to go on an actual date.
Having attended a strict fundamentalist university for six years, I missed out on the hookup culture. I never went to a theme party, drank until I couldn't remember who I was, or "hooked up" with anyone. Ever. And I'm glad I didn't. This is a pseudo rite of passage that I am glad I missed. I met my sweetheart by asking her out, and for several months we dated and had real conversations, getting to know each other long before any physical contact occurred.
I think it's incredibly sad that college students are missing out on real relationships, but I am glad that Freitas and others have identified this problem and are working to resolve this issue. This book was well-written, sprinkled with enough statistics to be credible but not so many that the book becomes dry. This one is a must-read for anyone dealing with teens or college students.
I received a complimentary copy of this book from NetGalley for the purposes of review.
Having attended a strict fundamentalist university for six years, I missed out on the hookup culture. I never went to a theme party, drank until I couldn't remember who I was, or "hooked up" with anyone. Ever. And I'm glad I didn't. This is a pseudo rite of passage that I am glad I missed. I met my sweetheart by asking her out, and for several months we dated and had real conversations, getting to know each other long before any physical contact occurred.
I think it's incredibly sad that college students are missing out on real relationships, but I am glad that Freitas and others have identified this problem and are working to resolve this issue. This book was well-written, sprinkled with enough statistics to be credible but not so many that the book becomes dry. This one is a must-read for anyone dealing with teens or college students.
I received a complimentary copy of this book from NetGalley for the purposes of review.
May 20, 2013
This was a book heavy in statistics, yet very informative and enlightening. For those who are unfamiliar, the "hookup culture" is a term that is used to define a culture of young people who have replaced dating and courtship with casual sex. The hookup culture is mostly seen at four year colleges, where hormonally-charged young men and women are thrown together with little adult supervision. This should be enough to make any parent of a college aged child cringe, but what's important to know is that this attitude of casual sex comes with a high emotional price. There are unwritten contracts that demand the partners remain emotionally unattached, which leads to feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and sadness. These young people are not mature enough to handle the consequences of these hookups and this is truly sad. Many of them feel pressured to posture for their peers by engaging in activities that they know, deep down, are morally bankrupt.
The interviews with the students were especially interesting. The author chose a wide variety of college students, from those attending secular universities to those attending Catholic colleges. She also did not leave out the gay and lesbian community, who also feel compelled to participate in these hookups. Interestingly, many of the students attending Evangelical universities did not participate in this, which the author attributed to personal religious convictions stemming from abstinence pledges.
This brings us to the subject of abstinence, which the author handled delicately. She does not preach abstinence, but does interview some students who have, after losing their virginity, decided to wait for a real relationship to engage in further sexual activity. In this way, she says, she gives hope to women, especially, who feel hopeless after giving up their virginity in a way that was less than pleasing or pleasurable, often times to a virtual stranger.
The author talks about sex as something that should be mutually pleasurable for two people who care for each other and I think that is important. She spends a chapter talking about how the predominance of pornography and how the ease of accessibility for our young people has helped to form wrong attitudes about sex. She claims that pornography often portrays women as willing fantasy objects for men, which ultimately hurts both genders when it comes time for sexual relations with real people in real situations.
There is a common theme throughout the book and that shows in the interviews with the students. Most people, even young people, long for romance and for someone to truly know and care about them. The young men and women must force themselves, in many ways, to become uncaring and to stuff those feelings of longing down into a deep place inside themselves in order to be considered "cool".
The author contends that society has played a big part in the formation of the hookup culture by the sexualization of young teens. It's not uncommon to see 11 and 12 year old girls wearing makeup and clothing that make them appear much older. They're starting to act out these sexual roles long before our generation even thought about the opposite sex. Boys are not excluded from these messages. Hyper masculinity and the "boys will be boys" mentality is seen in movies and television shows. Some television shows even glorify and exploit this hookup culture by normalizing it.
I recommend this book especially for parents of teens and young adults. Although the conversation about sex with our young people should occur well before they reach this age, it is still a great way to begin a conversation with your children about expectations, valuing themselves and others, and how to behave respectfully.
The interviews with the students were especially interesting. The author chose a wide variety of college students, from those attending secular universities to those attending Catholic colleges. She also did not leave out the gay and lesbian community, who also feel compelled to participate in these hookups. Interestingly, many of the students attending Evangelical universities did not participate in this, which the author attributed to personal religious convictions stemming from abstinence pledges.
This brings us to the subject of abstinence, which the author handled delicately. She does not preach abstinence, but does interview some students who have, after losing their virginity, decided to wait for a real relationship to engage in further sexual activity. In this way, she says, she gives hope to women, especially, who feel hopeless after giving up their virginity in a way that was less than pleasing or pleasurable, often times to a virtual stranger.
The author talks about sex as something that should be mutually pleasurable for two people who care for each other and I think that is important. She spends a chapter talking about how the predominance of pornography and how the ease of accessibility for our young people has helped to form wrong attitudes about sex. She claims that pornography often portrays women as willing fantasy objects for men, which ultimately hurts both genders when it comes time for sexual relations with real people in real situations.
There is a common theme throughout the book and that shows in the interviews with the students. Most people, even young people, long for romance and for someone to truly know and care about them. The young men and women must force themselves, in many ways, to become uncaring and to stuff those feelings of longing down into a deep place inside themselves in order to be considered "cool".
The author contends that society has played a big part in the formation of the hookup culture by the sexualization of young teens. It's not uncommon to see 11 and 12 year old girls wearing makeup and clothing that make them appear much older. They're starting to act out these sexual roles long before our generation even thought about the opposite sex. Boys are not excluded from these messages. Hyper masculinity and the "boys will be boys" mentality is seen in movies and television shows. Some television shows even glorify and exploit this hookup culture by normalizing it.
I recommend this book especially for parents of teens and young adults. Although the conversation about sex with our young people should occur well before they reach this age, it is still a great way to begin a conversation with your children about expectations, valuing themselves and others, and how to behave respectfully.
November 24, 2013
There is a paradox here. On the one hand, Donna Freitas sees a pervasive hook-up culture of casual, impersonal sex, and at the same time an end of "good sex" and meaningful relationships. The title gives some clues to resolving this paradox and the early chapters help us see very quickly that hookup culture--the casual sexual encounter between usually highly inebriated students with little or no communication and (supposedly) no emotional connection is in fact a barrier to deeply satisfying relationships and sexual experience.
She chronicles the rituals of hookup culture on campuses including theme parties that all are variants of "pimps and hos" that require women to dress up in skimpy and skanky outfits that play to men's pornographic sexual fantasies. (She wonders at points if this was what women like Gloria Steinem went to the barricades to fight for!) And through her interviews with both women and men, she discovers that many (not all, however) are ambivalent or deeply dissatisfied by this culture while feeling trapped in a "this is the way the game is played" world. A few escape either through a series of hookups with the same person that lead into a relationship, through opting out by some temporary or longer form of abstinence, or even through the discovery of the lost art of dating.
This last was stunning to me. On some campuses, the author describes either herself or student life personnel teaching students how to have a date, including asking the person out, who pays, what to do, where to go, refraining from alcohol, or physical interaction more than an "A frame hug". She actually encourages parents and other adults to talk about their own dating lives, arguing that there are many in the campus culture that are actually clueless about all this--there is either "hanging out" or "hookups" but little else according to her.
I do not doubt the existence of the things she describes. At the same time (and perhaps it's the circles I run in), I wonder if this is quite as prevalent as the author contends. Perhaps it depends to some degree on the campus and the particular options available to students. At very least, it seems there are plenty of alternatives and social opportunities for students dissatisfied with this form of interaction.
Freitas, without moralizing, is trying to initiate a serious conversation about sexuality on campus that goes beyond the "safe sex" and "no means no" conversations that typify much of the sexual guidance college students received that basically assumes hookup culture. While she assumes that many will engage in sexual intimacy outside the traditional structures of marriage, she contends for sexuality that is meaningful in relationships as the context for the best sex. What she does want is for students to be empowered to make their own decisions about their sexuality apart from the party, hookup culture that many feel compelled to participate in or be marginalized. At the same time she uses the language of virginity and abstinence, albeit at times redefined, in the context of strategies of "opting out". She even asks (without spelling out her own views) questions about the meaning of sexuality--is there something that makes sexual intimacy "special"? If her project succeeds one wonders if some will even find their way back to a sexual ethic deemed traditional, prudish, and ethical, but one that allows relationships to flourish and even sexuality to flourish in the safest context of all, committed, covenantal relationships?
Stranger things have happened...
She chronicles the rituals of hookup culture on campuses including theme parties that all are variants of "pimps and hos" that require women to dress up in skimpy and skanky outfits that play to men's pornographic sexual fantasies. (She wonders at points if this was what women like Gloria Steinem went to the barricades to fight for!) And through her interviews with both women and men, she discovers that many (not all, however) are ambivalent or deeply dissatisfied by this culture while feeling trapped in a "this is the way the game is played" world. A few escape either through a series of hookups with the same person that lead into a relationship, through opting out by some temporary or longer form of abstinence, or even through the discovery of the lost art of dating.
This last was stunning to me. On some campuses, the author describes either herself or student life personnel teaching students how to have a date, including asking the person out, who pays, what to do, where to go, refraining from alcohol, or physical interaction more than an "A frame hug". She actually encourages parents and other adults to talk about their own dating lives, arguing that there are many in the campus culture that are actually clueless about all this--there is either "hanging out" or "hookups" but little else according to her.
I do not doubt the existence of the things she describes. At the same time (and perhaps it's the circles I run in), I wonder if this is quite as prevalent as the author contends. Perhaps it depends to some degree on the campus and the particular options available to students. At very least, it seems there are plenty of alternatives and social opportunities for students dissatisfied with this form of interaction.
Freitas, without moralizing, is trying to initiate a serious conversation about sexuality on campus that goes beyond the "safe sex" and "no means no" conversations that typify much of the sexual guidance college students received that basically assumes hookup culture. While she assumes that many will engage in sexual intimacy outside the traditional structures of marriage, she contends for sexuality that is meaningful in relationships as the context for the best sex. What she does want is for students to be empowered to make their own decisions about their sexuality apart from the party, hookup culture that many feel compelled to participate in or be marginalized. At the same time she uses the language of virginity and abstinence, albeit at times redefined, in the context of strategies of "opting out". She even asks (without spelling out her own views) questions about the meaning of sexuality--is there something that makes sexual intimacy "special"? If her project succeeds one wonders if some will even find their way back to a sexual ethic deemed traditional, prudish, and ethical, but one that allows relationships to flourish and even sexuality to flourish in the safest context of all, committed, covenantal relationships?
Stranger things have happened...
February 25, 2013
E-book provided by NetGalley.Net
Very good.
I really liked how the author expressed that there actually are people interested in real romantic relationships, and not everyone is interested in "hooking up" only. Curiously, a good part of the information here reflects the people around me - friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances and so on.
It was great to read about the reports Donna collected from her surveys at college campuses. Part of it I already suspected, but some of her research results were really a surprise - and a good one.
This book doesn't rely solely on arguments based on religion to make a point. She mentions the influence of religion on what people are doing, but she is very realistic and sticks to the facts.
Very good.
I really liked how the author expressed that there actually are people interested in real romantic relationships, and not everyone is interested in "hooking up" only. Curiously, a good part of the information here reflects the people around me - friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances and so on.
It was great to read about the reports Donna collected from her surveys at college campuses. Part of it I already suspected, but some of her research results were really a surprise - and a good one.
This book doesn't rely solely on arguments based on religion to make a point. She mentions the influence of religion on what people are doing, but she is very realistic and sticks to the facts.
March 16, 2015
I am so thoroughly pleased I finally picked this book up. after attending Arizona State I can attest to everything Freitas speaks upon and it shed light on things I have and have not thought about in regards to hook up culture. I whole heartily enjoyed this book, the flow, and the thoughts it provoked in me.
September 16, 2013
Interesting and articulate. One of the things I liked most about was the amount of college student interviews that she incorporated into the book. Also, this book as been one of the most fruitful conversation starters I've encountered in a long time.
February 17, 2025
This book is the first that I have read in years. I went to my college library and picked out a title that looked interesting. “The End of Sex” not only spoke to me initially from the shelf but once I opened it, it continued to do so.
The discussions around hookup culture match my own feelings towards the phenomenon. Commodification not only of one another, but of yourself, is something that I have related to a lot as I have moved into this aspect of adult life. Freitas’ research with students both male and female is extremely informative and valuable, I am very glad that I picked up her book and I highly recommend the book for anyone in college/about to enter college or with college aged children.
The discussions around hookup culture match my own feelings towards the phenomenon. Commodification not only of one another, but of yourself, is something that I have related to a lot as I have moved into this aspect of adult life. Freitas’ research with students both male and female is extremely informative and valuable, I am very glad that I picked up her book and I highly recommend the book for anyone in college/about to enter college or with college aged children.
July 23, 2024
- While the perceived notion is that guys should be proud of girls' advance. Author noted through her interview that it's not always the case. Guys, like girls, often display remorse of it
- Due to the hypersexualization of young girls, girls today are far more often to be prone to be sexual but not actually feeling sexy inside. Sex to them is more of an act than something innately more intimate
- Girls subject themselves as mere "sex dolls" in parties in order to fill the void of male attention that they desperately seek
- Due to the hypersexualization of young girls, girls today are far more often to be prone to be sexual but not actually feeling sexy inside. Sex to them is more of an act than something innately more intimate
- Girls subject themselves as mere "sex dolls" in parties in order to fill the void of male attention that they desperately seek
December 21, 2019
I really enjoyed finally finishing this book! I appreciate the hard look that was taken at hookup culture and how detrimental it is to our relationships, both platonic and romantic. However, I was especially impressed by the lack of bias/opinion in regards to people's sexual choices, specifically pertaining to sexual orientation, which was in fact looked into specifically and without judgement, as it should be.
November 25, 2023
This is a scary book. If Freitas is reporting college campus culture correctly, and I have no doubt she is, we have a generation sexually and emotionally broken. This generation's desire to avoid getting hurt and still find a way to use sex as a drug for "feeling good" is setting up this generation for incredible pain down the road. As a pastor this was incredibly disturbing. We will have much to do to repair the hearts and soul's of this generation. Lord Have mercy.
January 3, 2021
spot on, even from the time period it was written from.
Was a bit hard to keep my attention, but overall solid content especially for someone interested in working with couples or adults in the midst of dating in the future.
Was a bit hard to keep my attention, but overall solid content especially for someone interested in working with couples or adults in the midst of dating in the future.
May 8, 2018
It sucks
August 9, 2020
The same moronic arguments that were used to keep the women out of University are reshaped to look new, the stench is the same.
Read
December 11, 2022She’s not wrong for sure
January 26, 2023
maybe it’s because I’m a recent college grad, but I didn’t really learn anything new.
February 1, 2020
Sad and depressing with glimmers of hope throughout. I think Christians really missed with purity culture but that's not to say the mainstream alternatives were winners either. Curious how dated or not this is (2013).
August 23, 2013
The subtitle of The End of Sex is ‘How Hookup Culture Is Leaving a Generation Unhappy, Sexually Unfulfilled, and Confused About Intimacy’. I read this partly as a warning (I’ve got a teenage daughter), and partly as research (what do young adults really think?). In the interests of fairness, I’ll also point out that I’m reading from the point of view of a conservative Christian with regard to sex and marriage (even though the book isn’t written from a Christian perspective).
The book is based on a survey of 2,500 undergraduate students at seven US colleges, undertaken in 2006, including public, private, Catholic and conservative evangelical Christian colleges. She notes that sexual behaviour is similar at most schools, with the exception being a ‘purity culture’ prevalent at the conservative Christian colleges. As well as the paper survey, the author also undertook personal interviews with several hundred students to provide more in-depth information. The author is unjudgemental in her approach to teens and sex, which was apreciated.
The first thing I learned that was hook-ups are not exclusively sexual. They can be anything from kissing to full sexual intercourse. It seems the key is that it’s a game: the social contract of the hookup is that it is temporary and physical, with no emotional connection and no intention to form any kind of relationship (although the author points out that often backfires when one partner—usually the woman—wants something more). Safe sex, in this context, is when one can walk away without an emotional attachment.
There is also a disturbing view that virginity is an unfortunate barrier to get over as quickly as possible (despite her finding that 21% of college seniors were still virgins—a later section categorised abstinence as Replication, which has the unfortunate implication that no true Democrat would be a virgin). What was sad was the view that virginity was not socially acceptable, and the implication that peer pressure is a major factor driving sexual behaviour. There was also a discussion about ‘technical virginity’, which almost contradicted the discussion on losing virginity. It was interesting to note that many of the students (male and female) claimed to dislike the hookup culture, despite actively participating.
These statistics seem to say either that college students are constantly acting against their own personal beliefs or they are lying about their attitudes and actions. I’m not sure which is more disturbing. Are we raising a generation who are too afraid of peer pressure to act on their beliefs (which doesn’t bode well for their ethics in the workplace). Or are we raising a generation that have no beliefs? There is also a discussion around the virtual absence of dating on many college campuses, and the corresponding lack of relationship skills among students. It struck me that romance is the top-selling fiction genre, yet romance novels are about developing relationships through dating: the very opposite of the hookup culture. I’d be interested in knowing what these college students are reading!
There some issues with The End of Sex. A study of 2,500 students undertaken seven years ago may or may not be representative of the problems. The End of Sex says Christian colleges have a ‘purity’ culture, but then ignores these colleges in the commentary. And it doesn’t address what happens when people graduate from college: do they continue to hook up, or do they learn to develop meaningful romantic relationships?
Who would I recommend this book to? I honestly think it’s going to tell a lot of people what they already know: college students spend a lot of time at parties, a lot of time having sex, and are losing the concept of relationship as a result. It’s also very American and focuses on those living on campus: those students who live at home during college may have a different experience.
But there are two groups I would recommend The End of Sex to: American who are considering what college to send their kids to (the commentary certainly explains the popularity of Christian colleges among conservative evangelicals), and anyone who feels they need a better understanding of youth culture. The End of Sex certainly provides that.
Thanks to Basic Books and NetGalley for providing a free ebook for review.
The book is based on a survey of 2,500 undergraduate students at seven US colleges, undertaken in 2006, including public, private, Catholic and conservative evangelical Christian colleges. She notes that sexual behaviour is similar at most schools, with the exception being a ‘purity culture’ prevalent at the conservative Christian colleges. As well as the paper survey, the author also undertook personal interviews with several hundred students to provide more in-depth information. The author is unjudgemental in her approach to teens and sex, which was apreciated.
The first thing I learned that was hook-ups are not exclusively sexual. They can be anything from kissing to full sexual intercourse. It seems the key is that it’s a game: the social contract of the hookup is that it is temporary and physical, with no emotional connection and no intention to form any kind of relationship (although the author points out that often backfires when one partner—usually the woman—wants something more). Safe sex, in this context, is when one can walk away without an emotional attachment.
There is also a disturbing view that virginity is an unfortunate barrier to get over as quickly as possible (despite her finding that 21% of college seniors were still virgins—a later section categorised abstinence as Replication, which has the unfortunate implication that no true Democrat would be a virgin). What was sad was the view that virginity was not socially acceptable, and the implication that peer pressure is a major factor driving sexual behaviour. There was also a discussion about ‘technical virginity’, which almost contradicted the discussion on losing virginity. It was interesting to note that many of the students (male and female) claimed to dislike the hookup culture, despite actively participating.
These statistics seem to say either that college students are constantly acting against their own personal beliefs or they are lying about their attitudes and actions. I’m not sure which is more disturbing. Are we raising a generation who are too afraid of peer pressure to act on their beliefs (which doesn’t bode well for their ethics in the workplace). Or are we raising a generation that have no beliefs? There is also a discussion around the virtual absence of dating on many college campuses, and the corresponding lack of relationship skills among students. It struck me that romance is the top-selling fiction genre, yet romance novels are about developing relationships through dating: the very opposite of the hookup culture. I’d be interested in knowing what these college students are reading!
There some issues with The End of Sex. A study of 2,500 students undertaken seven years ago may or may not be representative of the problems. The End of Sex says Christian colleges have a ‘purity’ culture, but then ignores these colleges in the commentary. And it doesn’t address what happens when people graduate from college: do they continue to hook up, or do they learn to develop meaningful romantic relationships?
Who would I recommend this book to? I honestly think it’s going to tell a lot of people what they already know: college students spend a lot of time at parties, a lot of time having sex, and are losing the concept of relationship as a result. It’s also very American and focuses on those living on campus: those students who live at home during college may have a different experience.
But there are two groups I would recommend The End of Sex to: American who are considering what college to send their kids to (the commentary certainly explains the popularity of Christian colleges among conservative evangelicals), and anyone who feels they need a better understanding of youth culture. The End of Sex certainly provides that.
Thanks to Basic Books and NetGalley for providing a free ebook for review.
August 29, 2023
I resonated so much with this book and it made me feel not crazy. America does a horrible job of educating us about our sexualities and this book helps prove that. If you’re sick of “dating culture” (there really is no such thing anymore) and hookup culture, and want to feel sane, and less alone, read this. This book is super underrated. (Coming from someone who used to teach comprehensive sex ed!)
October 7, 2014
As a soon-to-be former college administrator I have been doing a fair amount of hand-wringing over the fact that too many of our current generation of college students are having sad and tawdry sexual encounters when they should be having joyful, beautiful sex with their young beautiful hormonal bodies [should they be ready--a whole conversation in and of itself--and should they choose to do so].
It's all in here. The culture of hyper-drinking and meaningless, forgettable, regrettable, and sometimes "I was too drunk to know whether we had sex" sex that seems to be becoming pervasive on many college campuses. Freitas backs her narrative with research conducted in such a manner that we can get a better sense of how both college women and men really feel about the culture they are trying to navigate, and what more of them really want but don't know how to find. Frietas offers some suggestions for how faculty and administrators can work against the hook-up culture on their campuses. She offers a new way of looking at abstinence as a period of thoughtful, reflective time of sexual inactivity even after loss of virginity--that students should not feel obligated to continue to have meaningless, impersonal, not great sex once they are no longer virgins. This is a good book too for parents who want to help shepherd their children away from "just get it over with" sex and toward beautiful, meaningful first-time experiences.
It's all in here. The culture of hyper-drinking and meaningless, forgettable, regrettable, and sometimes "I was too drunk to know whether we had sex" sex that seems to be becoming pervasive on many college campuses. Freitas backs her narrative with research conducted in such a manner that we can get a better sense of how both college women and men really feel about the culture they are trying to navigate, and what more of them really want but don't know how to find. Frietas offers some suggestions for how faculty and administrators can work against the hook-up culture on their campuses. She offers a new way of looking at abstinence as a period of thoughtful, reflective time of sexual inactivity even after loss of virginity--that students should not feel obligated to continue to have meaningless, impersonal, not great sex once they are no longer virgins. This is a good book too for parents who want to help shepherd their children away from "just get it over with" sex and toward beautiful, meaningful first-time experiences.
September 3, 2013
This Catholic writer and academic has written about the intersection between sex and faith several times, including a YA book. In this relatively short volume, she looks at the hookup culture on campus. A hookup is casual, no attachment sex, often lubricated with plenty of alcohol. It is more casual than a one-night stand because these partners don't even spend the night together.
Freitas finds in her research that students will outwardly claim that this is all fine and good because they want to fit in. But deep down they know something (i.e. relationship) is missing. While the hookup culture views a desire for attachment as weakness, that is exactly what students yearn for. They are unfamiliar with the practice of dating where getting to know someone precedes a sexual relationship. Frietas describes a Boston College professor who teaches a course where going on a date is a requirement for passing.
There is a chapter on the connection between theme parties and porn, which is tied in with a discussion of why women who fought for equality are willing to be demeaned in such a manner. Frietas also examines abstinence but with a twist. Rather than the "true love waits" model, she suggests taking a timeout from hookups in order for young people to decide what they really want from sex and then abstain until that opportunity comes along.
It has been decades since I was in college; therefore, I appreciate Freitas explaining what campus culture is like today.
Freitas finds in her research that students will outwardly claim that this is all fine and good because they want to fit in. But deep down they know something (i.e. relationship) is missing. While the hookup culture views a desire for attachment as weakness, that is exactly what students yearn for. They are unfamiliar with the practice of dating where getting to know someone precedes a sexual relationship. Frietas describes a Boston College professor who teaches a course where going on a date is a requirement for passing.
There is a chapter on the connection between theme parties and porn, which is tied in with a discussion of why women who fought for equality are willing to be demeaned in such a manner. Frietas also examines abstinence but with a twist. Rather than the "true love waits" model, she suggests taking a timeout from hookups in order for young people to decide what they really want from sex and then abstain until that opportunity comes along.
It has been decades since I was in college; therefore, I appreciate Freitas explaining what campus culture is like today.
February 11, 2017
This is an excellent summary of earlier research conducted by Freitas in Sex and the Soul. There's much to ponder here.
The problem emerges when Freitas artificially attached religious perspectives with conservative Republicanism. Here, she ceases being a social scientist and becomes an activist, who lets her own biases interpret religious tradition.
In particular, she refuses to acknowledge the possibility that marriage is more than just some socially constructed container. She does not accept that perhaps...just perhaps...marriage and sex should be more closely linked.
This would be too theological for her. But, in making the argument she does, she eventually reveals that her own theology trumps that of a particular religious Tradition.
The problem emerges when Freitas artificially attached religious perspectives with conservative Republicanism. Here, she ceases being a social scientist and becomes an activist, who lets her own biases interpret religious tradition.
In particular, she refuses to acknowledge the possibility that marriage is more than just some socially constructed container. She does not accept that perhaps...just perhaps...marriage and sex should be more closely linked.
This would be too theological for her. But, in making the argument she does, she eventually reveals that her own theology trumps that of a particular religious Tradition.
December 2, 2013
I enjoyed this book, and it was short enough to not be redundant, (though it almost was). Something that bothers me about "research" regarding my generation is that much of it isn't surprising-I am a part of my generation, after all. It is very easy for someone to write about the hook-up culture by making obnoxious generalizations, so I'm glad Freitas, the author, dove a little deeper than the basics. You can tell she did the work necessary to write an interesting book.
I think the last few chapters hit the nail on the head, really: Somehow, we need to make the "dating culture" fun again. No, that's not, "let's go get a few drinks" dating, or "let's sit in the back row of a movie" dating, but rather, "let's sit here, look each other in the eyes, and figure out if we think similar thoughts about life" dating. I like that, myself.
I loved the teacher's experiment in one of the last chapters where she required each of her students to ask someone they were romantically interested in on a date. When it wasn't required, only one person could muster the courage to ask another person out. That makes me think we just lack confidence and sense of self. We so frequently depend on alcohol, sex appeal, or lust to propel what we lack in character. So much so, in fact, that it's become almost glamorous.
I'm going to end this review here. That's all I really have to say. :)
I think the last few chapters hit the nail on the head, really: Somehow, we need to make the "dating culture" fun again. No, that's not, "let's go get a few drinks" dating, or "let's sit in the back row of a movie" dating, but rather, "let's sit here, look each other in the eyes, and figure out if we think similar thoughts about life" dating. I like that, myself.
I loved the teacher's experiment in one of the last chapters where she required each of her students to ask someone they were romantically interested in on a date. When it wasn't required, only one person could muster the courage to ask another person out. That makes me think we just lack confidence and sense of self. We so frequently depend on alcohol, sex appeal, or lust to propel what we lack in character. So much so, in fact, that it's become almost glamorous.
I'm going to end this review here. That's all I really have to say. :)
March 19, 2014
After a second non-judgmental attempt at reading "The End of Sex", Freitas makes some good points here and there. I like her stance on abstinence that it should be all inclusive regardless of religious leaning and sexual orientation. Or her ideas about virginity and the "technical virgin" were insightful. I also agree with her on the lack of thoughtful critiques by men that looks at how men are gendered into being men in American culture as compared with the countless studies and reports on the gendering of women. The End of Sex threw me off in the beginning because of the research data the author used. An online survey and face to face interviews of 2,500 students from seven universities - 85% White, 55% female and 45% male with 5% identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual or queer. It just didn't seem like a racially diverse survey. If she surveyed just one HBCU she would have added more Blacks, Latinos, and Asians to increase the racial diversity in her study. It might even have changed some of her results or it might not have. We'll never know.
March 20, 2014
I picked this up on a lark and found it fascinating, and very refreshing. Hookup culture as described here was not entirely prevalent on my college campus when I was in college ten years ago (although perhaps as a commuter student I simply opted out by default), but I can see much of what is described in this microcosm echoed in 'real-life' applications beyond college. I particularly liked how Freitas approached the question with a search for the middle ground between complete abstinence until marriage and the hookup cultural expectation of sex stripped of all meaning or emotional content whatsoever. The only real quibble I have is in terms of her suggestions for promoting a dating culture on campus - I think that could be one response out of many. But really, I think the important thing here is opening up a dialogue about what people really want out of their sex lives, and this book does a good job of initiating that discussion and providing some statistical context for how that manifests in a college environment. Definitely worth a read.
February 21, 2013
This book talks about the Hookup Culture that is prevalent in today's universities and how it is hurting a generation of our students. College students today are lowering their expectations in college and are hooking up instead of going out on dates. The author does tell you about how this does affect their romantic lives negatively. She also talks about how college students are opting out of the hookup culture for a variety of reasons from dating to believing in no sex before marriage. She does go over the pros and cons of the other options, though she is more realistic about premarital sex than conservatives occurring on college campuses. Her look at this culture is enlightening to those who are entering college and their parents. At the end of the book she does list ways that parents, college students, college professors and administrators can do to battle against the hookup culture. I did receive a copy of this book from Net Galley in return for a review.
April 27, 2013
The End of Sex explores hook up culture as it exists at American colleges and universities today. Reading this book, it was impossible not to reflect on my own time in college. It definitely colored certain memories I have and made me view them differently.
At first I was skeptical reading it, assuming Freitas had an agenda she was trying to push. Really though, she takes a purely academic approach to exploring how students view sex on college campuses and goes further than most articles I've read, which only talk about amount and type of sex. I loved hearing about colleges having Take Back the Date nights where students can learn how to date, a skills that seems to be lost.
Definitely interesting and education, I'd recommend Th End of Sex for people interested in learning more about the topic of hook up culture.
Full disclosure: I won this book through Food reads as part of their First Reads program.
At first I was skeptical reading it, assuming Freitas had an agenda she was trying to push. Really though, she takes a purely academic approach to exploring how students view sex on college campuses and goes further than most articles I've read, which only talk about amount and type of sex. I loved hearing about colleges having Take Back the Date nights where students can learn how to date, a skills that seems to be lost.
Definitely interesting and education, I'd recommend Th End of Sex for people interested in learning more about the topic of hook up culture.
Full disclosure: I won this book through Food reads as part of their First Reads program.
July 26, 2013
Picked up this book as yet another resource in my own developing thinking about how to best talk about human relationships and sex in a very complicated cultural backdrop. Freitas describes a college student hookup culture that roughly 10 years ago became the norm on all but evangelical campuses. There's a sense that this culture is bleeding further into the late teens and early 20s for many. Freitas describes this culture as a kind of sexual nihilism: lots of sex, little meaningful relationship making. She argues that for many of the hookup culture's participants this is profoundly unsatisfying, but they slide into or are pressured into this culture, without a meaningful alternative visible to them.
That alternative - or an alternative - is what I'm looking for ways to speak authentically, warmly, candidly, and persuasively about.
That alternative - or an alternative - is what I'm looking for ways to speak authentically, warmly, candidly, and persuasively about.
December 30, 2013
This was an interesting, quick read. The research seemed thorough and well done. This book is apparently a follow up to her previous book, which I have not read. The author does a good job of being balanced and objective, though her own views are apparent. My main quibble is that she often mentions the emptiness and toll that emotionless sex takes on students, but she never mentions why. I wish she would have included some of the science of sex and how emotions are tied to it to demonstrate hoe emotionless sex can be detrimental rather than just using anecdotal evidence that students feel empty from hook up culture. It's implied that emotions and personal connection are a major part of what she calls "good" sex, but I feel like she takes that for granted instead of further backing up and reinforcing her claim. Overall, it was an interesting, enlightening read.
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