Overcoming Perfectionism: The Key to a Balanced Recovery

by Ann W. Smith

Offers helpful advice on how to avoid the pitfalls of perfectionism and how to achieve intimacy, enhance self-esteem, and live a full, satisfying life

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology

127 pages, Paperback

First published August 1, 1990

Reviews

[Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was okay. It had some things of use, though it depends on what point in your journey of dealing with this issue that you're at. It begins with giving the characteristics of perfectionists and types of perfectionists and trying to convince wavering perfectionists why they should seek treatment for being perfectionists (basically along the lines of: "So, if perfectionism was working so well for you, why are you reading this book, then? Something feels wrong, doesn't it? And if it doesn't, go on your merry way then." You can almost see her saying that in therapy a thousand times over in her career). So if you already know you are a perfectionist and want to change it, there's a decently sized portion of this book that you might be able to skip. If not, she's pretty convincing when you see it in black and white and reading those parts might help you.

There's also some chapters that seem shunted in from what seems to be her main research focus, how families pass down their trauma not only to the first generation, but to the grandchildren and great-greatchildren as well, if the problem is not addressed. Unsurprisingly, a lot of traumatized families and parents try to cope with their issues with hardline perfectionism, and learned that in childhood- and then proceed to mess up their own kids with crazy expectations and not appearing very human. Which is interesting and might help explain the roots of your perfectionism to you if you happen to fall into this category, but if you don't, I can see how you might find that part unhelpful.

What *was* I think the most widely helpful bits of it were the parts where she asks you to make lists of your values and what you would like your life to look like, picking from a list of things she's provided, and then examine how your life matches up with that. She doesn't just give the "good" options she wants you to pick, too- if you pick "I want peace more than anything", she mentions that maybe you want to keep your perfectionism then, because you won't get that with systems that require you to face problems and deal with them frequently. It's a pretty honest inquiry into what you're willing to put up with and what you honestly, really, are motivated to change. I also thought the clear, deep familiarity of the anecdotes she chose and the very specific characteristics she listed showed a long expertise with the issue that inspired confidence.

So this one's okay, I don't regret the time I spent on it, wrote down some quotes from it. But I would overall say that I recommend Brene Brown's book on perfectionism over this one-The Gifts of Imperfection or Rising Strong, which is about vulnerability and getting comfortable with the next step after perfectionism.

[Kalem Wright · Rating 5 out of 5]

“Overcoming Perfectionsim” aims to describe behaviorally and psychologically what perfectionism is like, how it is impacted by attachment patterns in early life experiences, and how it can be brought to heel. Smith educates readers on distinguishing between overt and covert perfectionists and their own interactions with others through her experience serving adult children of alcoholics.

Smith’s wisdom resonated with me as I connected with myself while reading her words; I recognized patterns within myself from the individual stories she shared and I was grateful for her own example. Her solutions are process-oriented rather than problem-oriented and include techniques such as mindfulness, creating a support system, spiritual engagement, and the like.

“Overcoming Perfectionism” will lead you through a journey of self-understanding, growth, and forgiveness. Smith’s compassion combined with common-sense practices are a potent formula for transformation.

[Michael Silverman · Rating 1 out of 5]

The author describes an anecdotal and unfortunately limited understanding of perfectionism. It seems that the author works primarily with co-dependency and those who experienced alcoholic parents.

[Nita · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was recommended by a writer on Holly Lisle's How To Think Sideways forums for dealing with perfectionistic thinking that creates an obstacle to writing. So, I was a bit surprised that the book is actually about codependency and recovery from the kind of mental and emotional addiction that results from growing up in a dysfunctional family. Smith posits that perfectionism (whether overt or covert) has codependence at its roots. Because I've read tons and tons and tons and tons of literature on this topic, this book felt like a rehash of things well-covered by other authors. If I'd read it in 1990, it might have been a revelation.

[Alan Hamilton · Rating 3 out of 5]

The first two-thirds of this book are very good, giving a breakdown of perfectionist behaviours and rationale why you may behave this way.
The book then loses its way and deals with more general topics, which don’t seem to be directly related to the subject matter.
Definitely still worth a read if you think that you have perfectionist traits.

[Sandra · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was a little too "textbook" for me. I wanted more real life strategies and less of the textbook diagnosis of codependency.

[Audra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I realized I'm more passive-aggressive than I realized.

[Sharon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Though authentically written, the book constitutes what I find is common sensical content, without any particular noteworthy takeaway. An easily forgettable read.

[David Mackey · Rating 4 out of 5]

A good read for anyone struggling with perfectionism. Quite challenging, set within the context of addiction theory to some extent, don't necessarily agree with all of it - but quite the good read.

[Hillary · Rating 1 out of 5]

Wow. This book's advice is so incredibly dated and simply just... not good. Everything was through the lens of family. I understand the importance of attachment theory, but the author was framing most of the book through the lens that family is the most important part of life and also assuming that the reader should/would have kids.

Yes, my parents had some problematic behaviors that impacted me. But that's not the whole reason I struggled with perfectionism, but the author offered little more in other reasons why someone would have perfectionism. (And I'm not having children, so the parts geared towards raising kids was not helpful.)

Similarly, I felt like lots of the advice given felt generalized towards people with broader anxiety or self-esteem issues, instead of being honed in on providing information specific towards actual perfectionism.

The book felt like it had little academic research and the author was just writing her own personal thoughts and empty platitudes. Maybe this book had greater significance when it was initially released if there wasn't much else written on perfectionism at that time, but this has not aged well with changing social contexts.

If you're looking to read a book with helpful advice on perfectionism, give this book a pass.

[Kimberly Stevenson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not bad! I found it to be really helpful as someone with OCD - but it seemed to veer into the topic of alcoholism,codependency, and family dynamics a bit more than I’d have wanted. I’d also have loved a bit of a dive into things if you aren’t religious for some little blurbs in the book.

Over all a nice book. But perhaps not perfect haha! I think if you’re very new to the topic it will be very mind opening, some parts still were like that for me!

[Beth Ann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Most "perfect" book on overcoming perfectionism ever! I've read a few that were good -- but this one is so practical, and Ann Smith seems to know the topic so well, from it's causes and conditions to the concerns we carry and, lastly, the ways in which we can really change this pattern in our lives so we can be happy, peaceful, and free.

[Catherine Brown · Rating 3 out of 5]

Clear and easy-to-read shortish book, I got quite a lot from it (made a few notes) especially chapter 2 (the characteristics of perfectionists) and chapter 7 (finding balance in Imperfection), so all-in-all really helpful for me. I would like to read more books on the topic but this was a nice readable introductory primer on the subject, which also touched on the topic of codependency, Children of Alcoholics and generational trauma. In all, the book seems to broadly cover the topic and I didn't really have anything to reproach in it, I was especially grateful for the general self-help pointers on overcoming the bad aspects of perfectionism.

[Bree · Rating 3 out of 5]

An interesting look at Perfectionism, with a heavy emphasis on its roots in co-dependency and abuse. A useful read even if just for the parenting chapter and the undesirable outcomes of perfectionism.

[Lynda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Perfectionism is perhaps the hardest part of addiction to face and accept.

[Katy Dailey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was one of those reads where I kept finding bits and pieces of myself in the pages and was so happy to realize that I'm not alone.

[Heather Herron · Rating 3 out of 5]

The version I have was published in 1990 so there is a definite lack of intersectionality. However, I think this work is still beneficial to read to understand the motivations and thought processes of people who struggle with addictions. This book also serves as some personal insight for those of us who are work aholics struggling with our own addictions of accomplishment. I definitely would recommend to other social workers and those in the helping field.