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The Warlizard Chronicles: Adventures with Vodka, Women, & War
My new fiancée Betty and I were sitting on the couch, watching the Westminster Kennel Club dog show when she looked over at me and casually said, “My first orgasm came from a dog.”
As I sat there stunned, trying to control my reactions and collect myself, I had two immediate
1. Now I know why my dog likes her better.
2. I wish this were the worst thing she’d ever told me.
And so begins the descent into the crazy improbable world of Warlizard, an average guy with an exceptional life. With no excuses and no apologies, Warlizard lives his life by one simple rule – “If opportunity knocks, answer the door.” Gulf War Veteran, womanizer and serial troublemaker, sometimes he wins, sometimes he loses, but his stories are outlandish, extreme, fast-paced and funny as hell.
Some actual reader
- “You tell all women that story? You should wash out your mouth!”
- “I think I could listen to your stories for hours.”
- “So you owe your marriage to the people who brought down the world trade center?”
- “I have nothing else I can add or ask, except MORE STORIES.”
- “Holy s**t. I wish I was you.”
- “Man, you're an inspiration, seriously. F*** Tucker Max, you're the real s**t. I'm sure to remember your stories whenever there's a choice to do some crazy s**t. I used to say I'd do it for the lulz, now I'm gonna do it like WarLizard.”
- “You slept with another man's wife and then lied to him about it, and can say with a straight face it was the right thing to do?”
- “Godda***t, I spewed out laughter too loud at work, now I have to leave because everyone knows I'm not doing s**t. F*** this is hilarious, and disconcerting, at the same time.”
- “He is the most interesting man in the world.”
- “I feel like a failure reading these stories, they're awesome.”
- “Your life experience makes me feel good. You good sir are somewhat of a new idol of mine. Nothing much you can do about that. Have a good day sir.”
- “Warlizard doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.”
- “I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that not only a story like this exists but that a Reddit regular would be living it. And it kinda has this enthusiastic ‘and then it happened...’ moments in it that kinda style like you'd write fiction on the go.”
- “This guy is either the most creative man in the world or the most interesting man in the world. Either way...”
As I sat there stunned, trying to control my reactions and collect myself, I had two immediate
1. Now I know why my dog likes her better.
2. I wish this were the worst thing she’d ever told me.
And so begins the descent into the crazy improbable world of Warlizard, an average guy with an exceptional life. With no excuses and no apologies, Warlizard lives his life by one simple rule – “If opportunity knocks, answer the door.” Gulf War Veteran, womanizer and serial troublemaker, sometimes he wins, sometimes he loses, but his stories are outlandish, extreme, fast-paced and funny as hell.
Some actual reader
- “You tell all women that story? You should wash out your mouth!”
- “I think I could listen to your stories for hours.”
- “So you owe your marriage to the people who brought down the world trade center?”
- “I have nothing else I can add or ask, except MORE STORIES.”
- “Holy s**t. I wish I was you.”
- “Man, you're an inspiration, seriously. F*** Tucker Max, you're the real s**t. I'm sure to remember your stories whenever there's a choice to do some crazy s**t. I used to say I'd do it for the lulz, now I'm gonna do it like WarLizard.”
- “You slept with another man's wife and then lied to him about it, and can say with a straight face it was the right thing to do?”
- “Godda***t, I spewed out laughter too loud at work, now I have to leave because everyone knows I'm not doing s**t. F*** this is hilarious, and disconcerting, at the same time.”
- “He is the most interesting man in the world.”
- “I feel like a failure reading these stories, they're awesome.”
- “Your life experience makes me feel good. You good sir are somewhat of a new idol of mine. Nothing much you can do about that. Have a good day sir.”
- “Warlizard doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he prefers Dos Equis.”
- “I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that not only a story like this exists but that a Reddit regular would be living it. And it kinda has this enthusiastic ‘and then it happened...’ moments in it that kinda style like you'd write fiction on the go.”
- “This guy is either the most creative man in the world or the most interesting man in the world. Either way...”
- GenresHumorNonfictionBiography
240 pages, Kindle Edition
First published March 9, 2011
8 people are currently reading
78 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
June 19, 2011
This book is a collection of mostly humorous, sometimes moving stories of events in the author's life.
The three star rating is for the book's current incarnation. As a self published book I think the book is still being changed.
The book's shortcomings are probably due to the lack of a professional editor. My biggest complaint is the absence of narrative tying the various stories together. The general idea seems to be "Carpe Diem" but you end up moving from story to story without a smooth transition. This can be a little jarring because, lacking a unifying narrative, you would at least expect chronological progression of the stories. Unfortunately this isn't the case. With the exception of a series of one page pontifications on how you should live your life in the middle of the book I was unable to discern a pattern to the ordering of the stories.
The stories themselves run the gamut from diamonds in the rough to 'meh.' Once again, an editor to request details to flesh out some of the weaker stories. Many times these weaker stories are only weak because you find yourself wanting more detail.
Forgive me for dwelling a bit on the negatives. I only do so because I see a 4 star book dinged down to 3 stars by those negatives. In truth the ebook edition is an EXCELLENT value and I would recommend this book to anyone looking for a quick and mostly, mostly lighthearted, and whilst inappropriate read.
The three star rating is for the book's current incarnation. As a self published book I think the book is still being changed.
The book's shortcomings are probably due to the lack of a professional editor. My biggest complaint is the absence of narrative tying the various stories together. The general idea seems to be "Carpe Diem" but you end up moving from story to story without a smooth transition. This can be a little jarring because, lacking a unifying narrative, you would at least expect chronological progression of the stories. Unfortunately this isn't the case. With the exception of a series of one page pontifications on how you should live your life in the middle of the book I was unable to discern a pattern to the ordering of the stories.
The stories themselves run the gamut from diamonds in the rough to 'meh.' Once again, an editor to request details to flesh out some of the weaker stories. Many times these weaker stories are only weak because you find yourself wanting more detail.
Forgive me for dwelling a bit on the negatives. I only do so because I see a 4 star book dinged down to 3 stars by those negatives. In truth the ebook edition is an EXCELLENT value and I would recommend this book to anyone looking for a quick and mostly, mostly lighthearted, and whilst inappropriate read.
April 9, 2021
I found this hilarious. It's stranger than fiction and I do really hope that it is true.
August 6, 2011
Warlizard has certainly led a storied life. In this book, he recounts a disparate smattering of hilarious, hard to believe stories. Sure, the names have been changed to protect the innocent (and I doubt "Warlizard" is his real name), but it smacks of truth. Though he comes across as an arrogant jackass at times, the writing is very clean and has a kindness bubbling up beneath it. Some of the best stories are those that take place during the first Gulf War, when he was assigned to dig fox-holes in the sand, despite the fact that he was a German linguist working in intelligence.
I'm hoping that he decides to write another book, a fictional account of his war experiences in the mold of Catch-22 or Slaughterhouse 5. I think it would be hailed as a masterpiece.
But in the meantime, this tome will have to do.
I'm hoping that he decides to write another book, a fictional account of his war experiences in the mold of Catch-22 or Slaughterhouse 5. I think it would be hailed as a masterpiece.
But in the meantime, this tome will have to do.
December 23, 2015
So, I have a 1 month Amazon Prime membership. And this book is one of the ones you can borrow. So, I did.
There are 2 good stories in this book. The first and the last. The first is for shock value, the last was truly good, and written alright. Neat concept on how it was written.
But the rest of the book should be called "How to be a douchebag, tool, fratboy" Because that is all that is in here. This guy just tells story after story about tricking girls to go to bed with him.
There are also lots of typos and sentence structure issues... I can deal with that, but really? I don't think this book had an editor.
So, if you must just read the first and last story. That will be about 30 pages and you can just forget the other 47 stories.
There are 2 good stories in this book. The first and the last. The first is for shock value, the last was truly good, and written alright. Neat concept on how it was written.
But the rest of the book should be called "How to be a douchebag, tool, fratboy" Because that is all that is in here. This guy just tells story after story about tricking girls to go to bed with him.
There are also lots of typos and sentence structure issues... I can deal with that, but really? I don't think this book had an editor.
So, if you must just read the first and last story. That will be about 30 pages and you can just forget the other 47 stories.
April 16, 2013
The first chapter of this book is honestly funny in a dim-witted Tucker Max style. The rest of the book rambles on with less entertaining stories about Warlizard's life. The middle of the book is his life advice section. This guy comes off as arrogant without the redeeming funny factor.
May 9, 2014
Not that great
I had an easy time putting this book down. Misspellings and other errors distract the reader from the stories which are not the entertaining in the first place. If you were expecting this book to be as good as one of tucker max's, do not bother.
I had an easy time putting this book down. Misspellings and other errors distract the reader from the stories which are not the entertaining in the first place. If you were expecting this book to be as good as one of tucker max's, do not bother.
February 8, 2012
Trashy, entertaining. I could listen to this guy tell stories at the local dive bar all night.
February 29, 2012
Made me feel that I can make money too writing. :) I have to admit - it kept my attention, but then it just seemed to be too much of the same thing.
May 29, 2012
Honestly, I'm ashamed to have read this. It's pretty much just unfunny reading about this guy's sex life and I found myself unable to give a fuck. I'm sorry, it's not worth your money.
August 20, 2012
Entertaining. Not a deep read, but fun to look at in the car and laugh along to.
November 7, 2012
Thank God that's over...
December 20, 2012
Some entertaining stories, but author is a little too unlikable/ Tucker Max-ish for me.
November 23, 2014
This book definitely needed an editor. He offers up some solid advice throughout the book though, basically don't coast through life, carpe diem.
July 2, 2015
Hilarious tome by that guy from the gaming forums.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews