Hurt People Hurt People: Hope and Healing for Yourself and Your Relationships

by Sandra D. Wilson

Do you know someone—perhaps even a Christian—who seems impossible to get along with?

From the people in the pews to the members of our families, we are surrounded by people who hurt other people. And they do so, the author tells us, because of the seemingly inescapable pain in their own lives.

In Hurt People Hurt People, Dr. Sandra Wilson brings her years as a professional counselor to bear on a difficult topic that affects many of us.

Let her warmth and insight lead you toward a heart of compassion and a ministry of healing for those who hurt others.

Genres: Psychology, Relationships, Christian, Self Help, Personal Growth, Mental Health, Adult

239 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 1, 1993

Reviews

[Josh Miller · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have heard the statement "Hurt people hurt people" for many years. I have even used it myself. The author here delves into the different types of hurt that people have experienced in their lives and how they can be set free from passing on that hurt to others.

A solid, in-depth resource to help people move forward in their lives and not be held by past hurts.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

5 stars because it was easy to understand. It approached the pain we receive and the pain we give with honest compassion. I appreciated the practical self assessment questions.

[Andrew · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sandra D. Wilson’s book Hurt People Hurt People: Hope and Healing for Yourself and Your Relationships begins by explaining some of the deepest wounds that people will encounter will come from those closest to them. Wilson’s premise is that hurt people hurt people. She starts by addressing a fallacy that adult Christians should be “above” being wounded or hurt. She responds to this suggestion by appealing to the fact that people are human and discussing binding shame. She adds that people wounds may be physical while others may be mental.
Wilson then speaks about the “unseen wounds” that many deal with as being intellectual and the underlying idea that because they are unseen does not mean they are not real. She says “I’ve offered evidence that sin damages us physically and intellectually”. She continues on to say that “Rather than acknowledging the existence of our invisible inner injuries and treating them, we often attempt to distance ourselves from them by deflecting our pain onto those around us”. Hence we hurt other people.
This all comes to Wilson’s Theory of Change which says “making and consistently practicing new choices produces change”. She believes that if a person does what they always have done, they will get what they have always gotten. So the key is to make changes and practice them regularly.

[Dave Morris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful for those with dysfunctional relationships in their past, especially when growing up. While often referring to backgrounds with abuse, the same principles apply in dealing with under appreciated effects of growing up with conflicted or verbally abusive upbringings. Emphasis is on breaking the cycle in our own relationships. Highly recommend

[Mary · Rating 5 out of 5]

Highly recommend and wish I had had the wisdom and opportunity to understand the issue of shame long earlier; it is so deep seated in all our relationships and strategies, blocking us from appropriating the good news way down into our hurting souls. Knowing this, and working it through was liberating. I recommend also Wilson's "Released from Shame: Moving Beyond the Pain of the Past"

[Mary Pilling · Rating 1 out of 5]

Honestly, there was a lot in this book that really made me want to like it. However, this book was full of God and comparisons to God which does not belong in a psychological book. On top of this, there were lots of things in this book that were really pretty bad. Some of these were claiming that you can’t heal without God in your life (I have healed more after no longer associating with him), claiming that the Bible shows the best way to love and forgive (God literally killed people because he was upset with what they were doing), saying you shouldn’t seek approval from others but in the same breath claiming that you need God’s approval, saying you need to try to fix a marriage before getting divorced (this is a really unhealthy ideology especially in the case of abuse which typically will not stop). There were other things but I can’t remember them. Honestly I was overall very disappointed by this book.

[David Steyer · Rating 4 out of 5]

The title gives away the whole book. The author looks to help you discover your pain as a reason you go on to hurt and cause pain to others. While simplistic the author does do a good job of having you reach into your childhood to discover what happened to you that makes you who you are today.

There is a lot of focus on child sexual abuse. So if that is something that happened in your life I can recommend the book. That was not what was causing my pain but a discovery of trying to satisfy a please people who were never around. And no matter what I did it did not change that. Nor did it change it in my adult life relationship. Even now it hurts to write that.

But the author, shows through Gods grace, we can take steps to heal, change, and move forward. The scars will never go away, they are who we are. But we can move forward past them and not let them define us.

[Marty · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book could easily be a 3 or 4 but I have it a 5. Why?

The reason it could be rated lower is because many of the examples circle back to specific and similar issues. While these are needed, there are many other areas that could have been addressed.

So, why the 5?

The book is true. Every person has been hurt and every person has hurt others. Knowingly or not, these instances shape and mold our responses and future. The author also points us to the True Healer. While I know not everyone who reads this book will appreciate the faith aspect, it is needed.

While reading it, I did - and will continue to do - self-reflection as I consider my own life. The book very quickly helped me identify a few things from my past that I had never even recognized.

It's tough to do, but I encourage everyone to try.

[Rachel Brown · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wilson addresses the truth that all people are hurt people and all people hurt people. Even invisible injuries create real pain and wounds that we must deal with healthily; otherwise, they will continue to hurt us personally as well as those around us. She shares that healing and changing are not easy, but worth the work.

Wilson shares details of her own story that may be difficult to read for some depending on their own story and wounds.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Solid exploration into the needed depth for Christians to do their part in the journey of sanctification. My only quibble is one or two parts need a slight expansion and/or updating; however, this is very small and should be a launching point for every pastoral counselor or Christian honing in on what parts are needed for the launching pad of mental health recovery. **thanks to Netgalley for the review copy.

[Carilyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book I will definitely need to read again! Such a powerful insight into how dysfunction in a family can continue to perpetuate itself on following generations, unless through God’s help we make a conscience effort to break the cycle.

[Jeanne Modisett · Rating 5 out of 5]

Do yourself a favor If you have any childhood trauma of any kind, read this book. It will help with your understanding and healing process. She has an amazing way with words and understanding being a survivor of “soul scars”.

[Jordan Nunn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. There was scripture used throughout the book.
It does talk about sensitive issues like abuse. It may be difficult to read for some, but it really helps yo work through deeply hurtful issues.

[Ikechi Ukazu · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good prayers, some practical tips but many anecdotes that were over the top and left you wondering why the author was putting them in there and if she was healing through writing about them instead of serving the readers

[Denyece Roberts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent read this book should be read by everyone lots of good information very very informative

[Jennifer Bearden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfect explanation of hurtful generational cycles and a beacon of hope and healing. This book has everything you need to learn to live in Gods healing truth. It’s a beautiful truthful work.

[Amanda Fitzpatrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

honestly so good

[Krista · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recommend this book. A great resource for understanding the people around you and understanding yourself.

[Billy Augustine · Rating 5 out of 5]

An excellent book with wisdom derived from the author's experience and from words of Scripture.

Helps to identify hurts and sources as well as to progress toward healing in those areas!

[Tracie Nicole · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF. Review to come.

[Shera · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wilson had very interesting and well developed ideas about a harmful and dysfunctional past decisions can affect your future. However, it his heavily biased from her own worldview and is filled with explicit explanations and descriptions of abuse. While I enjoy writers who are realistic and talk at face value I think she could make her points without some of the content. Overall, she creates a framework that mostly deals with illness and not definitions of health. If you dont have a childhood dysfunctional past you may find yourself wondering where you fit in, or how teenage or adult experiences factor in.

[Some · Rating 4 out of 5]

Who have you ever met who isn't at least somewhat Bipolar? Be serious now as you think about it. We all hit highs and lows, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. By seeking what is behind the behaviour we can find a hurting world and be well served in our careful approach to loving other's constructively. Just don't omit job one: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

[Kayla Mahnken · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book to be extremely insightful and helpful in dealing with past hurts, identifying destructive patterns of behavior and offering healing by laying out practical choices a person can make to journey toward healing and change. Particularly helpful for those who have been hurt by those closest to them.

[Celesta Tiner Bainbridge · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy books that teach me about myself and how to improve. This book was like that. I will say that maybe I've spent too much time in this genre. Part way through I just became sick of the my own constant need for improvement, laid this aside for a year or so. Believe me this book is a good teaching/learning tool. Not for the faint of heart!

[Laura · Rating 3 out of 5]

Although the book was not intended for this purpose it helped me understand some history on a fourth step inventory I completed. She wasted no time capturing my attention. Cover to cover a good book. Easy to read and understand with no wasted words. Not for young readers.

[Judith Hall Simon · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read the 1993 hardcover copy. If you are looking for a solid Christian approach (but not preachy) to dealing with past childhood abusive environments, I heartily recommend this book. My favorite takeaway sentence is, "Understanding a behavior does not make it acceptable."

[Stephanie]

This book was an eye opener for me. Good resource for dyfunctional relationships.

[Ractery · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book

This book help us to understand why we hurt other people and why other people hurt us. I recommended for those who have being hurt by others.

[Nick · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! Shows how our family of origin can impact us.