The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace

by Sally Bjornsen

A funny, honest, and empathetic resource for the novice stepmother on maintaining sanity, solving hair-raising identity issues, regaining a sense of humor, and surviving what you did for love....

What happens when the honeymoon comes to a screeching halt and you're faced with a houseful of rambunctious children, an ever-present ex-wife, and a new husband trying to balance the chaos?

This helpful guide includes advice on:

• The kids: Adjusting to suspicion, resentment, and biological-parent loyalties
• The ex-wife: Living calmly alongside her, whether she's a psycho or the perfect mother
• The holidays: Accommodating old family traditions and developing new ones
• The sex: Keeping love alive through the kids' bed-wettings and nightmares
• The finances: Building safety nets and avoiding financial disasters
• The urge to be evil: Accepting it, and then stopping yourself from saying something you'll regret—to him, the kids, or her
• Plus an invaluable list of resources, websites, publications, and organizations specifically for the new stepmother

Genres: Nonfiction, Parenting, Self Help, Childrens, Relationships

256 pages, Paperback

First published April 5, 2005

Reviews

[Kate · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm not especially thrilled with this book.

I've read a bunch of books about becoming a step-mother and what it means. I was fine with this one, until the chapter discussing whether or not a step-mother should have their own children. Some of the reasons listed as pros were: then you'll be part of the "mommy club," you'll get a place in your husband's extended family, your step-children are a built in family for your kid, and now you'll understand what your step kid's bio mom feels like whenever she hands over her kids for a weekend.

What?

What happened to having a kid because you wanted a kid? A better discussion would have been, how do we discuss this with our step-children? How do we make them secure in the fact that their dad will still love them just as much? If the kids aren't custodial, how do we make sure they still feel like our house is their house? How do I adjust from part time parenting to full time parenting? Not, here's why I should have a kid- because of all these superficial reasons that really are all about wanting to fit in. If somebody needs to have a baby to boost their relationships and become part of their husband's family, they shouldn't be having one.

If I skipped that chapter, I would have been absolutely okay with this book. It was "sassy" as advertised, and spoke a lot more to my age group than a lot of other step mom books I've read (I'm in my early 20s) so that was nice. Maybe I'll change my mind about those reasons to have a baby as I get older, but I doubt it, and I don't think that was useful or helpful information at all.

[Tawna Fenske · Rating 5 out of 5]

I avoided children like the plague my whole adult life, only to find myself dating a man with two kids at age 37. This book is a must-read for any woman who finds herself involved with a divorced guy with kids. I appreciated the author's self-deprecating sense of humor throughout the book. True, I didn't relate to many aspects of it, including the desire to have a biological child or the hurt feelings the author seemed so prone to in different situations. Still, there was enough here I could identify with and enough great tips to ensure the purchase of this book was money well spent. I also laughed a lot, which is always a plus in my book!

[Missy Olive · Rating 4 out of 5]

When I entered in to my relationship resulting in instant step-mom status, I didn't think much about it. I had worked with children for many years and raised my brother with significant disabilities. I had no doubts about my ability to step-parent.

Three years later, I realized that I was struggling with issues that I had not foreseen: 1) step children will never love you like your own, 2) vacations with step-children are difficult; and 3) disciplining as a step-parent presents its own set of challenges.

This book addresses those topics and several others. I highly recommend it for any woman who is dating a man with children or for any woman who is considering a long-term relationship with another person and his/her children.

Thanks, Sally, for writing such an important book.

[Candy Boisvert · Rating 1 out of 5]

Title: The single girl's guide to marrying a man, his kids and his ex-wife
Author: Sally Bjornsen
Copyright date: 2005
Publisher: New American Library
How many pages: 233 pgs
How long it took me to read: 1 day
Category: Self-help
I learned about this book from: stumbling on it at the library

This book was purchased at: it wasn't. I borrowed it from the library.
This book is: horrible.
Other books by these authors: I am really hoping that she didn't write anything else.
Favorite characters: n/a
When and Where the story takes place: n/a
Plot in a nutshell: This is a book that is supposed to be helpful to women about to or are step moms.
Main characters: n/a
What I liked best: She tried.
What I liked least: I found the woman to be a bitch and the things she suggested, she should have known from the beginning.

Overall rating: From square one you can tell that she was a spoiled, rich bitch that you just want to punch. She said something "witty" to her step son and he tripped her. So she yelled at him in public. That just makes her look silly. Also, the things she mentioned, she should've known when she got into her "mess" in the first place! She sounded like she was annoyed at the thought of having the kids over on the weekends.

There was one thing she did make me worry about. The bio-mom club. It's where all the mom's who actually birth their children will shun the step moms because they aren't the real mom...well, she has NOTHING on me. I am a 25 year old soon to be step mom to a 15 year old! People of authority - let alone bio mom's are going to not take me seriously.

Whatever, my step daughter loves me and we get along better than I have ever got along with my parents or siblings. Maybe I'm just lucky. By the by, this book sucked. Don't get it.

[Retna · Rating 3 out of 5]

Being an instant stepmother myself, I found myself (sometimes) just wanted to bang my head on the wall. It is a world that I couldn't imagine to jump into but hey, life is about making choice. So in the brink of confusions in this new world that I'm into, this book encouraged me to take it lightly, to see it more in a humorous way and yet it is so real. This book is like my friend who told me to get a grip and just have fun with the challenges that I have in this new role that I have.

[Lauri · Rating 2 out of 5]

Maybe not the most cerebral book about becoming a stepmother, but it did make me feel less insane for my trepidations entering into stepmotherhood.

[Meg · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honestly this book was delightful, helpful, kinda scary and a little relieving at times 😂 Highly recommend if it’s appropriate for you. Eye opening and wonderful advice. Take what resonates and leave the rest. Thanks Sally!!

[Dallin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Lots of experiences shared and lots of good advice to navigate a new husband, his kids and his ex-wife. I believe I'll revisit this book over and over.

[Heidi-Marie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Almost every section in this book had parts that were so spot-on and had me extremely grateful to have found advice and stories of others who understand the situation I will be facing. And every section had parts that were so beyond me and who I am that I just ignored them. For instance, I know this author and I had extremely different single lifestyles. Extremely. And very different backgrounds, experiences, and knowledge going into our marriage. Some of the things she talked about learning I kind of learned a couple decades ago before marriage was even an option. But I kind of expected there would be differences in that. And even with those, I found this book to help calm some of the nerves that come with the unknown, the wondering, the worrying, the etc. Will very likely check out the resources listed at the end. I am grateful to find a book that was completely upfront and honest about many aspects, and that it included a wide range of experiences from other stepmothers. Now if only I can get one for LDS stepmothers, as there are a couple more sections that I definitely need support with pertinent to that!

[April · Rating 3 out of 5]

I read this book right before I got married and became a stepmother to 2 boys. I could really relate to what the author was saying and it made me laugh out loud more than once. I am sure I am going to be going back and reading it again and again.

[Kristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. Had just enough humor and support for women who are being stepmothers. There is many things that come along with step motherhood and this book should be recommended to everyone thinking or going into being a step mother.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I thought this was a pretty good reference book. I do not know if I am becoming a stepmother with grace, but I am trying.

[Molly Koeneman · Rating 3 out of 5]

Parts of this book made me cringe. I get that she's writing like she's talking to me after a few glasses of wine. Her tone is boisterous and oozing in the kind of humor that makes you love your coworkers but hate introducing them to your friends.

What I liked about the book was her candid, "real talk" approach to being a second wife and a stepmom. She brought up topics and realities I hadn't considered being a new step-mom, and I'll forever be grateful for the solid "heads up" she gave me.

What I didn't like about the book: she calls her stepsons terrorists and constantly refers to them as "her husband's kids," making a distinct point that they are not hers. I get that people feel that way about their partner's children, but I suspect people reading a book about being a stepmom view their stepchildren as "their stepchildren" not "their partner kids." It seems hurtful with the sole intent of trying to be funny.

I also found it concerning that the last half of the book, discussing finances and holidays, was not about stepmom issues, but relationship issues. She blamed her status as a step-mom and second-wife on the last of communication surrounding scheduling and money when those are conversations you should have before getting married whether or not there are kids or ex-wives in the equation.

Overall, an easy read and comforting in a lot of ways, but don't go in thinking this is a bible of being a cool (step) mom. This is a memoir, of sorts, focusing on the writer's experience as a step-mom and second-wife. ... kind of wish it were just the memoir; I'm sure that would have been hilarious!

[Brianna Doo · Rating 3 out of 5]

My long-term, committed partner gifted me this book after a particularly stressful custody visitation we had with his two kids. I never saw myself dating a man with multiple children and a bitter ex-wife, but love is funny like that, I suppose. Though I'm not really step-mom status, I'm still just a semi-relatable friend to them, but I think they can tell I love their dad and am in it for the long haul.

There were some helpful, down-to-earth, relatable musings in the book, especially in relation to seeing things from the bio mom's perspective I had never considered before. I didn't really laugh a whole lot, though I sighed and smiled a bit at some of the passages. It reads like a young friend dishing to you some gossip you're mildly interested in. I can tell the author feels things very deeply and emotionally, and I myself am also a very sensitive, empathetic person. However, I did feel like I didn't gain much knowledge overall because I have already intuitively thought out most of her insights. Still, you don't really see many books out there like this, especially written by someone younger, which I appreciated as a fellow young lady. It doesn't hurt to get someone else's perspective on a similar situation you're going through, so I still would reccomend this to someone that is going to be or is a newer stepmom or soon to be one.

[Amy · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a very quick and lighthearted read.

I think it was written about 17 years ago but still rings true that there’s a bit of a stigma around “Step” parents and limited literature looking from this perspective. With the latter in mind, I did read quite a few things, after feeling exasperated like I’ve been going crazy, to feel normal, not alone and like someone finally “got me”!

It’s a little dated (or maybe just different view to my own) in terms of family structure (not particularly diverse) and quite emphatic on blood-relations being the strongest bond which, is not always true and I find this, from personal experience, quite a limited and naive perspectives.

It’s not intended to be some peer-reviewed manual underpinned by social science theory. Rather, it’s exactly what it says on the tin. One woman’s anecdotal experience of hers and her friends’ experiences as Step-Moms and the evolution/journey they went through. Your friendly support group in the form of a book!

It did make me reflect on my less desirable perspectives within my own relationship/dynamic!

[Anna · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book was good. Some things I agree with, some things I don’t agree with. Do some stepmothers really help pay child support for other people’s kids?! Sorry divorced men, but I will never do that. Not my fault you decided to procreate with someone else and then get divorced. Overall, though, I thought the book had a good sense of humor, even though some of the topics are depressing (an entire chapter on how to deal with step kids ignoring you and shitting on you, for example). I’ve read two books like this now, and I think I need a break. Are these books supposed to make me rethink my relationship with a divorced man with kids?? Because I thought it was supposed to be helpful! It brings up good questions to ask, at least.

[Pantea · Rating 5 out of 5]

This really really helped me feel less lonely when it came to thinking about the future as a step mom. Until I finished the book, I didn't know that a lot of the things I've been feeling (particularly the identity crisis) are real and very common. While I never identified as the party girl with lots of friends (as the author seems to identify as), and while I'm lucky to have a fiancé who has set very strict boundaries with his ex-wife who lives about 80 miles away, I was still able to take a lot of positive advice and maintain good perspective without becoming overwhelmed or terrified of the prospect of marrying a man with a child from his previous marriage.

[Chels · Rating 1 out of 5]

I made it to page 29 before I DNF’d this book. Yes, I struggle with the selfishness and learning curve of becoming a stepmom (which is why I bought this obviously) but this book was so whiny and haughty. If you’re going to become a stepmom you should have an idea of what is going to happen, to chose to rarely interact or try to get to know the kids before marrying your husband is irresponsible at best. And the fact that she just talks badly about how bratty the kids were is just disappointing. I don’t have friends that are also stepparents and I was really hoping for something to feel like I’m not alone but this definitely did not do that in my case.

[MC Yeomans-Washington · Rating 3 out of 5]

My first piece of literature focused on the ins and outs of stepparenting. This is staying at 3 stars for me. Why? Well... I am still trying to unpack that, too. For one, I am not sure I agree with what I read. Some of it seemed legit, other parts made me cringe. Additionally, this topic and role is HARD. There are a lot of tough pills to swallow surrounding this. It might be the way the book addressed these topics, or it might just be the topics themselves.

Time will tell how much wisdom I feel was imparted to me by this book. 3 stars for now and I am keeping it moving!

[Veronica · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really love this book. I’m 25 and a still not married but live with and raise 3 teenagers full time. This book was super relatable, still relevant (being first printed in 2005), and made me laugh out loud multiple times. I also was impressed with how well the book is written, and how minimal the mistakes are (I only caught one “the” written twice after another.) I WILL let anyone else I know in my situation borrow this book and recommend to everybody. It is a must-read!

[Jayme · Rating 2 out of 5]

There were a few good pieces of useful information here, but the writing style and content were so incredibly banal. I spent most of this book in frustration at how irritating the writer is as a person. If you enjoy being pandered to in a superficial extended-Cosmo-Magazine way, then you will enjoy this book.

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

While helpful in letting me know that I’m not alone in all the craziness, each section was too short. There was limited advice or explanation in how other sms dealt with the various situations that were discussed. 2 stars is probably a little low, but two days later, I can’t remember much of the book.

[Jessie Theriault · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is the best book! I don’t want to put it down! When I don’t relate to a situation it enables me to feel thankful for what I do have. This book describes unexplainable feelings and situations and has given me a new perspective and permission to be the bonus mom I hope to be. Anyone who is embarking upon being a bonus mom NEEDS this book as an advocate and a comfort at any stage.

[Cristina Morariu · Rating 4 out of 5]

So I read this in 2 days as opposed to every other book on step parenting that ive tried reading which took me months and months. This lady is fun and writes about step parenting in a fun way, without shying away from the trickier aspects of the topic. If you have to read one book on this topic id pick this one, you won’t regret it!

[Shb · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic read for any woman considering a relationship with a man who has children from a previous marriage. Helps you think through the life-changing adventure you are considering taking on and has valuable advice on how to have a happy home.

[Kimberly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a hilarious and relatable telling of what it means to be a step mom. It had some wisdom that I desperately needed and stories that made me realize I’m not on my own out there! I recommend this to all moms!

[Nina · Rating 1 out of 5]

Petty, childish and rather embarrasing. The descriptions of her childish tantrums are sad, not funny. If you read it, read it like a bad example because that’s what this is. Being a stepmom can be difficult but it helps if you know how to behave like an adult.

[Annabel Bonham · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has made the biggest difference with navigating the world of step parenting and becoming a blended family. It’s nice to know others feel similarly to me and put a name to some of the trickier emotional issues so they can be addressed in a positive way.

[Brandi Johns · Rating 5 out of 5]

EVERY stepmother needs to read this. I love the sassy attitude, affirming that your feelings are justied and you are not alone! Excellent book! There aren't a lot of resources for stepmother's but this is an awesome one! Thank you, Sally Bjornsen for writing this. Helped me more than you know!

[Audra Crass · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful. Great insight.