The Case for Only Child: Your Essential Guide

by Susan Newman

What's really wrong with having one child? Is one enough for you? For your partner? What constitutes a complete, happy family? Will your only child be lonely, spoiled, bossy, selfish? Read this book and find out. Despite the personal distress and pressure to have a second baby, the number of women having an only child has more than doubled in the last two decades. What most people don't realize is that one-child families outnumber families with two children and have for more than two decades. In major metropolitan areas like New York, 30 percent of families have a singleton. Throughout the country people are following suit. And it's no wonder

These are only the few things that parents today (and parents to be) contend with when deciding to start a family and determining whether or not to stop after one. The time is right for a book that addresses the emerging type of nuclear family, one that consists of a solo child.

Popular Psychology Today blogger and parenting author of fifteen books, including the groundbreaking Parenting the Only Child, Susan Newman, Ph.D., grew impatient with the pervasiveness of only-child folklore masquerading as fact and offers the latest findings about the long-term effects of being raised as a singleton.

In The Case for the Only Child, Newman walks parents (and future parents) through the long list of factors working for and against them as well as highlights the many positive aspects of raising and being a singleton. The aim of this book is to ease and guide parents through the process of determining what they want. Although each situation is unique, the profound confusion surrounding having a second child is similar. It is one of the most difficult and life-altering choices parents face. Adding to one's family dramatically changes one's life and the life of one's firstborn forever. What will a person give up in time, money, freedom, intimacy, and job advancement with another child in the household? What will they gain? The Case for the Only Child helps explore and resolve these perplexing questions.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction

264 pages, Paperback

First published May 9, 2011

About the author

Susan Newman, Ph.D. is a social psychologist, and the author of fifteen relationship and parenting books, including Parenting an Only Child , Little Things Long Remembered, and Under One Roof Again: All Grown Up and (Re)learning to Live Together Happily and The Book of NO: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It--and Stop People-Pleasing Forever.

Reviews

[Caitlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am an only child who is the parent of an only child so I was very curious to read this book. When I was growing up I knew very few only children (if I think about it, I still know very few), nonetheless, after I had my son it never occurred to me to have another. My parents always said to me, "If you get it so right the first time, why do it again?" I did get it amazingly right the first time. My son has just successfully finished his first year in college and is a very happy, smart, socially well-adjusted, and kind human being who hopes to be an elementary or middle school teacher as a way of giving back to his community. None of that is a surprise to me because that's both who he's always been and how he was raised.

I don't remember ever wanting siblings - I think that's a pretty abstract notion for small children, anyway. If I did when I was little I definitely remember being thrilled to be an only child after I started having sleepovers with friends with siblings. I'll admit that I'm often curious about it what it might be like, but purely from an intellectual standpoint. I was always very close with my parents (as is my son with his). We were a united front - all in it together.

I had and have friends. I was lucky to have been able to participate in activities outside of school - art classes, music lessons, ballet. I do remember being lonely sometimes, but I think everyone's had that sensation - siblings or not. I have always been (and remain) very independent and choosy in my personal life - choosing fewer rather than more friends - again that's part of who I am and of my personality. My son is much more social and outgoing than I am or than his father, so I'm not convinced being an only child dooms you to social ineptitude.

The qualities I think only children gain quickly are those of independence, of learning to compromise (really, friends never give you your own way all the time). I think only children also learn the luxury of picking and choosing because they know how to be alone and how to entertain themselves. I see these as positives.

FDR - President and Only Child

Dr. Newman clearly takes apart the stereotypes associated with only children as just that - stereotypes that turn out to be essentially untrue. We no longer live in the kind of society that loses children at such a rate that multiples are had if only to ensure someone makes it past childhood. Our children do not work our farms, or labor in our factories. We are fortunate as a society to have choices about family size and there are good reasons for choosing fewer as there are equally good reasons for having more. I don't think it's a question to torture yourself over and it is good to see an explication of that for parents who may be doing so.

I think children should be wanted and cherished by their parents. If you're able to do that with only one child, then that's what you do. If you can do that with more, then you do that. All choices have advantages and disadvantages - it's up to you to figure out the cost/benefit and then follow your heart.

If this is a question that you're dealing with in your personal life, you can't find a better book to help you think about this choice. Perhaps the best (and most difficult) thing about living at this time is that we have many choices. Knowledge increases our ability to make the right choices for ourselves and further helps us down the road to knowing our heart's desire. This is a thoughtful and worthwhile book that presents information in a clear way and affirms the right to make all kinds of choices - great book.

[Katharine · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book for some good deep thinking on the actual benefits of having only one child. Good book for those of you who want to convince yourself that having one child is okay and good thing since it was certainly biased to having only one child is best. Quick read and thought provoking.

[Lara · Rating 2 out of 5]

If you read my blog at all, you know that I have not one, but THREE children, and you may think that this is an odd book title for me to be reviewing. And you'd be right. Lisa at TLC Booktours asked me to review this book on the premise that some of my readers might be contemplating having only one child, and that I might have a unique perspective on the book's message, given my "overstuffed" household.

As all of the other reviews for TLC seem to have been written by those who do have onlies, I suppose mine will indeed be a unique perspective.

"You must have your hands full" or "You do know how you got all those kids, don't you?" is a fairly common observation when I go out with all of my kids. And that is surprising to me for two reasons. First of all, I'm not sure why people feel the need to say such things to perfect strangers (is my reproductive life really any of your business?), and second of all, I really don't think three children are all that many. Most of my friends have at least three, and I have several friends who have more than that. Heck, one of my best friends is having her seventh in a few months.

Again, if you read my blog at all, you will also know that I am LDS. Having lots of children--certainly more than one--is indeed a part of our religious culture, and while I won't go into our specific beliefs about that, I will say that I realize that my religion has influenced the decision The Maestro and I made to have more than one child, or indeed, any children at all. However, society as a whole is largely moving towards smaller families and, in many cases, only children.

So, before I have said a single word about The Case for the Only Child by Susan Newman, Ph.D., you are already completely aware of my biases. And the title of the book should clue you in to what the biases of the author are, as well.

One thing that this book does well is to go over every argument you could possibly think of against having an only child and present counter-arguments and research which discredits the case against onlies. On the other hand, most of her arguments really serve to discredit those of us who have made a different choice--it didn't feel objective. I feel her arguments would have been much stronger if she had extended her research to include those who do have more than one child and how they have dealt with such things as career and finances when the decision to have more children was made.

Putting my husband through his doctoral degree with two children wasn't easy, but we made it work. Yes, if I had no children or even just one during that time we would probably be in a better place financially, but that wasn't the choice that we made. And we, I believe, are better people for it, despite what conclusions an outsider looking in may draw about our financial situation.

The one argument I can wholeheartedly agree with is that of time. Yes. I am often stretched way too thin between my three daughters, a house to take care of and keep clean, music lessons, soccer, homework, practicing and my own part-time job, church service, hobbies and other interests. It's a lot to handle and I am often overwhelmed. I have indeed noticed those acquaintances who only have one child giving that child much more time than I could ever give to any one of my three. I wish I could be three people sometimes. Sometimes having three children begging for my attention in three separate directions all at the same time is enough to make my head explode.

But, being overwhelmed does not mean that I am not happy.

Consider this quote from the book:

"Christine Carter, a sociologist at University of California Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, proposed a "happiness challenge" during which she asked mothers to follow paths that would make them happier: to be less busy, to relax and have more fun. Can you really do this with a couple of children to drive to activities, homework to supervise, meals to prepare, teachers' conferences to attend, sporting events to watch--in short, a killer schedule on top of full-time or part -time work?

"By only having one child, mothers have discovered a way to be happy. They report having the time to kick back and rest. Most of them say they are calm, less stressed and less busy, than their friends with more than one child. They told me that they are busy, but they have only one child's schedule to fit in. The 'rest, relaxation and flow' that Carter says has been 'squeezed out of their [mother's] lives' is not missing for those who have one child."

So. Because I have three children, I am not happy? And since when does "having fun" determine a person's happiness level? Wrong. I am very happy. The difference is that I have learned that serving my children, working hard, teaching them to be functional adults, watching them learn to navigate this world, seeing their successes and being there for them in their failures brings me thousands of times more happiness than my job as a voice teacher and a performer (which I do love and enjoy) does. It brings me much more happiness than kicking back and resting does. And it certainly brings me more happiness than having fun at an amusement park or going to a movie does. All of the sacrifices which I have had to make in order to be the mother of more than one child are completely and totally worth having these three wonderful beings in my life. I am better for it.

Still, I do think this is a good book for those who are trying to decide whether or not to have more than one child. It certainly presents the many factors in our lives and marriages that are affected by having children, and that is a good thing. I know that as we have discussed nearly incessantly for the past several years whether or not we would add a fourth child into our brood, most of these factors have come up and we have had to be honest with ourselves and take a good, hard look into why we wanted another child. Whether to have just one or more, or even no children is a very personal decision and I certainly do not judge those who have made a different choice than I have.

[Sophia · Rating 3 out of 5]

So I have mixed feelings about this book. I think it’s a 3-3.5 star book. Some things I wished were different. I find myself feeling this way with a lot of parenting/decision books.

Background:

Mid-twenties with a preschooler, potentially OAD by choice, but I’m still debating it. Obsessive planner and stay at home mom.

Thoughts:

There were some chapters that really resonated with me. I read Bryan Caplan’s “Selfish Reasons to Have More Kids” before this and struggled with related to a lot of what he said. “More kids = more grandkids”, but what if I don’t really care about grandkids? I mean maybe. But I’m also cool with watching my daughter grow to be an adult and do her own thing. He also mentioned middle class parents today do a lot more than they need to. I find myself agreeing with this. I watch my neighbor juggle multiple activities with her two kids while also trying to work and take care of her family. It looks exhausting. Meanwhile, our neighbor with 4 kids doesn’t try to do that and her kids look no less happy than my 2 kid neighbor. She’s still tired though. I think parenting is just exhausting if you have one or 10 kids.

Newman brings this up in the “Happiness Factor” chapter, but doesn’t really come to a solution. Just kind of mentions the competitive parenting. Based on my neighbors and other parenting books, I would say just drop activities your kid doesn’t like. That being said, this isn’t a “how to parent book”, just reasons why an only child is a good idea. So the solution isn’t/shouldn’t be in this book. Just gives her more ammo for the only child debate.

The Kid Ceiling chapter did stand out to me a lot since I’ve watched it happen many times. My friends who are DINKS and the same age as my husband and I are bringing in 6 figures. I’m obviously a stay at home mom, so I bring in nothing money wise. A family friend who took 20 years off to raise their kids mentioned more than once to me that their finances are behind other childless women.

Lastly, Divided We Stand, was interested. It was interesting to learn that people who had boys tend to be more happy in their marriage. I have a girl and we’re happy so not relevant to our life, but still interesting. I like data!

I don’t know if I’ll ever come to a decision on this - I might just let nature decide. But that goes against every “planning bone” in my body.

Book itself:

I think the book is solid. It brings up interesting points. I wish there was a wider range of people interviewed (not mainly only child families). There are couple bigger families sprinkled in, but they all seem ok with their decision to have more than one and Newman doesn’t really mention it. For example, on page 142, she mentions a woman that has 2 kids and is exhausted stating that she’ll just always be exhausted with 2. I mean I guess. Sure, my friend with 2 is exhausted, but also there are days where I look more exhausted than she is.

I just find that a little frustrating, I like to get all sides of an opinion. I’ve m surveyed every family member that has kids and the consensus with most of them is we should stop with one. So that’s also interesting to me considering some of them have more than one kid.

One more thought - I recently “read” (it’s just pictures) the Only Child storybook and that broke my heart. While logically I know only children are no less lonely than ones with siblings (I had a sibling, I would still say there was times I felt lonely), it definitely was something that author felt as she grew up. How will my child feel if she does grow up as an only? I’ll never know until she’s grown up and it’s too late. Kids definitely don’t need a sibling, but would I enjoy watching a second person grow and become their own person as much as I have loved watching our daughter grow? Probably. A second kid shouldn’t be for the first. A second (or third) is because the parent wants to parent more kids.

[Kelly · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this book with some trepidation, as I was truly uncertain about whether I wanted to have another child. I was fearful of finding the answer within and that I might not like it. I was having a serious case of "baby bug" and needing something to balance my emotional desire to add to our family.

After just a few pages I realized that this book was not for me. It seems more appropriate for a single-child family to read retrospectively or for a family who has made up their minds already and needs reassurance. The author was at times very defensive in her writing, which served only to confuse my mind further about what exactly I wanted to do. She wrote a lot about the "things people say" to only child families, which is beside the point. People "say" things to families of all types, only child families are no exception, and making a rebuttal from petty gossip does not sit well with me.

I was frustrated, also, by the design of her argument concerning the workplace. She sites several studies showing women with multiple children are behind compared to their childless or single-child counterparts. Men suffer no such consequence. I realize that this is a big reason why many women desire fewer children but I tend to want to defy a bad system rather than give in to its shortcomings.

In short, this book is for people who are relatively certain that they want only 1 child in their family and seek some validation and approval for this choice. I am not in this camp and give only 2 stars as a result.

[Kathy Striano-Preece · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am lucky that I don't have anyone in my life telling me it is "mean" for me not to give my daughter a sibling. I am sure this is a problem for alot of people that have one child.
I felt the author gave many positive reasons or having only one but at the same time, she wasn't very preachy to people that choose to have more. The old fashion Mom, Dad and 2 kids model is not necessarily relevant in our society anymore. There are single parents, step children, and same sex couples.
According to the author, families with one child are the fastest growing segment (especially in Australia and Britain). Off the top of my head, I can name about 15 people with only children. This has changed a lot from when I was growing up!

[Brittany R · Rating 3 out of 5]

Doing some research to help guide conversations about the future of our family. I thought this was an interesting read to dispel some "societal myths" about only children, and there was a lot of evidence to support only children being more X, Y and Z than those with siblings, but it was pretty biased. Maybe this is to be expected, though.

[Zoe · Rating 4 out of 5]

As other reviewers have pointed out, this book serves well with an audience who is already resolute in their decision and may merely be interested in some affirmation.
But who ever looked to a book for advice on if they should have another child or not??!

As a 'one and done' mother myself, I found the book interesting. I think the author presented her arguments well and I didn't really feel she was trying to push the reader in either direction - The questions at the end of each chapter served well to ask yourself. Even though she is a mother of one child herself, I think she presents the points for both sides.

Ultimately, one leaves the book with no further a conclusion needed but indeed an agreement that maybe we should all judge one another's parenting choices less?

As she says in the book, we should be able to say the phrase 'one and done' without fear of judgement or negative thoughts towards our only child.

[Kristenne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love this book! Loads better than Dr. Newman's other book "Parenting an Only Child."

This one neatly rests the "case" for the only child, with updated research and more relevant information of today's economical landscape.

Definitely helped me to strengthen our decision to be one and done. I highlighted a lot of passages here and will definitely re-read this in the future!

[Lauren Read · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found it very affirming as it addresses every societal misconception and personal doubt with both studies and stories. I grew up with an assumption I'd have multiple children but feel so satisfied with one that I am glad I took the time to explore the possibility and solidify the decision with a good book.

[Rebecca · Rating 2 out of 5]

Some disclaimers, the same as for Maybe One: A Case for Smaller Families :)

(1) We haven’t made a final decision about our family’s size.
(2) I am not critiquing/judging/suggesting anyone else’s family’s size, reading this book is just a part of my own personal journey into motherhood.
(3) I understand the distrust that many of us have of statistics from scientific studies. In my own training I have learned enough about statistics to believe that while this distrust is often warranted (see the 1895 study in Maybe One!!), there is still often truth in statistics conducted in proper research environments.

I liked this book less overall than Maybe One. I preferred the focus of this book--the psychology and personal reasons for having an only child, while McKibben’s book was mainly about population reasons for limiting family size, which didn’t interest me. Newman quotes more psychology studies which contradict popular belief about multiple children that I now want to track down and read. I was especially intrigued that the majority of research that has shown that second children tend to make mothers less happy and generally have negative impact on marital relationships. However, overall the tone of Newman’s book was a little too defensive and preachy for me. I skipped around and read parts that I was most interested in and tried to ignore her soapbox, and if this subject matter interests you I would suggest the same.

[Jennie · Rating 3 out of 5]

When I saw this book available for TLC’s book tour, I jumped at the chance to read it. Brett and I are 99% sure we are done having children and that Sammie will be our only child. Parenthood has been wonderful for us but Sammie has had a lot of health issues that required a lot of time, energy and money. Most of all though, our family feels complete just the three of us. I decided to participate in this tour to read the book because I feel a lot of residual guilt over not having more children because I feel like we are supposed to have at least two – I don’t know I feel this way, but I do.



With this book targeted at one-child families it is to be expected that it was biased towards this borderline to a fault. At times it felt so pro one-child that it almost mocked and/or disrespected those who have more than one child. I understand that being pro anything can make it hard to not appear anti the opposite. For the most part, this book read more that it is ok to only have one child rather than pro one child but a few chapters blurred that a bit.



However, if you are considering being a one-child family, this book is a good read. It does evaluate the benefits and drawbacks of this type of family unit. It also discusses a few of the studies that have been published relating to health and social skills for the only child versus siblings. I thought this was interesting, even though we haven’t really looked at studies for our reasons for leaning towards our one-child family. In all, this book didn’t sell me on only having one child, but it did lower my level of guilt and my feeling of being an oddity. If you are considering only having one child, this book is worth a read.

[Megan S · Rating 3 out of 5]

I have an only child, 3.5 and I saw this book on a whim at the library. I assumed, from the title, that it would make an argument in favour of only children, and give me reasonable answers for people who question this choice in family size. Also, from "Your essential guide", I expected this book would include some advice on how to raise an only child and their particular challenges, as well as how to make the most of the benefits of being a small family.
Unfortunately this book barely met the first assumption and failed completely on the second. However, despite it being a bit misleading, I enjoyed the read. It was a compilation of research from Newman from 3 separate interviews of 100 people 10 years apart, in 1990, 2000, and 2010. She coagulates the interviews and finds themes that only child parents struggle with, and attempts to answer these questions and struggles.
There was nothing really new for me in this book, but overall I enjoyed hearing the stories of other only child families. The book was laid out well, was concise and somewhat entertaining.

[Abbey · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book gave you enough information to eloquently formulate answers to questions from others about why you may want an only child. Nothing was revolutionary. Quick google searches and blogs already addressed most things. I thought that the book was very harsh/aggressive about 2+ children in an unnecessary way. Overall, glad I skimmed it. The Happiness Factor chapter was amazing.

[Lauren · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was extremely biased, but I think it is biased for a reason. It is very negative towards multiple children, but the opinions and data on multiple children is more well known; what people are uncomfortable with is the idea of an only child. It has such a negative connotation and this book helps to dispel those stereotypes and provide comfort for those grappling with the idea.

[Derek Morrison · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this looking for justification for my natural inclination to have one child. It has an anecdotal feel, but I found it's arguments and meanderings helpful.

[Kristen (kristenthebibliophile) · Rating 4 out of 5]

while she certainly is biased, I found a lot of helpful and interesting info that will definitely help me make my final family size decision. 3.75 stars

[Stacy · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars

If you are leaning toward having an only child or just looking for validation of your choice to have only one, then this is the book for you. Dr. Newman interviewed 100 people who were only children or the parents of onlies for this book (although over the years she has interviewed and studied countless others). This book points out the statistics that show the growing only child trend and the many reasons why this choice is a good one. Children cost a lot of money and women are waiting longer to have children, sometimes making getting pregnant and the pregnancy difficult. There are misconceptions that are put to rest, that you experience the same happiness rush with every child, that siblings are the answer, and that the stereotypes of onlies are true. In my earlier post I told you that in my experience the negative stereotypes of children are wrong and this book validates that.

If you are looking for an ‘essential guide’ like the subtitle says I think you may be disappointed. While there are study and poll results (I liked knowing that having a boy or only boys reduces your chance for divorce) most of the information included is anecdotal. The actual advise on raising only children appeared on pages 219 &220. Good tips, but I was hoping for more.

there's more on my blog http://stacybuckeye.wordpress.com/201...

[Laura de Leon · Rating 3 out of 5]

This really wasn't the book I was hoping for. It may well be the book someone else needs.

I have an only child. I've long since accepted this as fine for our family. I never worried about most of the things the author gives as concerns. Most of the reasons she discusses for having an only child weren't really part of out decision making either, although I have thought of some as advantages after the fact.

Beyond that, my biggest disappointment is that Susan Newman only refers to the research fleetingly, with much more space being taken up by anecdotes from people she's interviewed and commenters on her blog. I'd appreciated these, but really was looking for a more scholarly work-- one that described the studies and spent a paragraph (rather than a single sentence) on the results.

But it wasn't a bad book, just not the one I was looking for. If you are debating whether to have a second child, whether for personal, professional or logistical reasons, this book might help you make up your mind. If circumstances have determined you will only have one child, even if that wasn't your choice, this may put your mind at ease. If you have an only child, and people are convincing you your child will be spoiled, lonely, and generally unhappy, this book will address your concerns.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

A good read for those, like myself, who may have a one and only due to choice or other circumstances.

The author does a good job de-bunking the myths of only children being spoiled, self-centered, unable-to-socialize little monsters. In fact, there are a lot of pros to onlies.

The author covers lots of topics from these myths, societal and family pressure for more children, future concerns, and more.

I only gave it three stars, because I felt there could have been some better editing, as there were redundancies.

However, for those interested in the topic, it's a good overview of the real-life and real challenges of having a one and only.

[Shweta Ganesh Kumar · Rating 2 out of 5]

A book that arms with you scientifically collected data to throw at the next nosy Parker who asks you 'When you are planning to have your next child?' And 'why not?'

Of course, you can always just say 'none of your business' but this book helps you to do it, myth buster style as it debunks all the 'popular' stereotypes and cliches associated with being an only child.

I especially enjoyed the happiness factor - excellent and informative.

A good read.
Technically my rating is 21/2 - only because the writing was not as engaging as I imagined it would be.

[Jessie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very readable and cites studies about how only children are not actually the lonely, socially awkward cliche. There was some really interesting research about how for mothers happiness increases with one child but decreases with additional children.
It was definitely biased and sometimes bordered on insulting to those with more than one child, but in all it was a good look at the stereotypes surrounding one child families.

[Nicole Mckenzie · Rating 2 out of 5]

The title should have been a clue...this book is completely biased. It felt like a continuous loop of the same information, i.e.: "Yea, you should just have one child, here's why. I forged on in the book, hoping for some real insights. I finished it disappointed. I did like Newman's other book, Parenting the Only Child.

[Valerie Butera · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was reassuring and reinforced my feelings and convictions that being an only child mother of an only child can be a blessing, not a curse. There are plenty of advantages for the mother, father and child. For those of us who cannot or will not have more than one child, this book is a God send.

[Liz · Rating 2 out of 5]

Considering all the recently released research on this topic... not very impressed with this book. It is more antecdotal than serious discussion. And, anyone who has had this discussion personally knows the last thing you need is more stories about the topic. :)

[Gofita · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was a good read, but nothing groundbreaking or too thought-provoking. If you're already decided on one child or leaning that way, this will help, for sure. That's me!

[Jana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Extremely biased, as stated in the title. It does dispel a LOT of myths, though.

[Jennifer O'Brien · Rating 3 out of 5]

Kind of one sided, but some interesting things to think about.

[Annie ⚜️ · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very much what I needed to read and made me feel a lot better.

[Sarah White · Rating 2 out of 5]

Repetitive, defensive, and you probably know all of this already. Only took a day to read but no need to waste your time.