People Skills: How to Assert Yourself, Listen to Others, and Resolve Conflicts

by Robert Bolton

Improve your personal and professional relationships instantly with this timeless guide to communication, listening skills, body language, and conflict resolution.Maybe a wall of silent resentment has shut you off from someone you love. Maybe you listen to an argument in which neither party seems to hear the other. Or maybe your mind drifts to other matters when people talk to you. People Skills is a communication skills handbook that can help you eliminate these and other communication problems. Author Robert Bolton describes the twelve most common communication barriers, showing how these “roadblocks” damage relationships by increasing defensiveness, aggressiveness, or dependency. He explains how to acquire the ability to listen, assert yourself, resolve conflicts, and work out problems with others. These are skills that will help you communicate calmly, even in stressful emotionally charged situations. People Skills will show · How to get your needs met using simple assertion techniques · How body language often speaks louder than words · How to use silence as a valuable communication tool · How to de-escalate family disputes, lovers' quarrels, and other heated arguments Both thought-provoking and practical, People Skills is filled with workable ideas that you can use to improve your communication in meaningful ways, every day.

Genres: Communication, Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Business, Leadership, Relationships

322 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 1, 1979

Reviews

[Ana Lelis · Rating 2 out of 5]

My first 2-star book of the year. I`m not questioning the knowledge of the author here, the guy was Ph.D. he probably knows what he`s talking about. I just didn`t like how he explained things. There was so much to say that I found everything being all over the place. Not well structured, just a collection of thoughts. There was 2 or 3 advice that I liked, but I felt like the whole book was a bore. I was relieved when it was over.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Thorough, useful, and clearly written. Highly recommended for improving communication skills.

Highlights / Summary of contents:
Chapter 2: Barriers to Communication
1) Judging: Criticizing, Name-Calling, Diagnosing, Praising Evaluatively
2) Sending Solutions: Ordering, Threatening, Moralizing, Excessive/Inappropriate Questioning, Advising
3) Avoiding the Other's Concerns: Diverting, Logical Argument, Reassuring

Chapter 3: Listening
1) Attending Skills: A Posture of Involvement, Appropriate Body Motion, Eye Contact, Nondistracting Environment
2) Following Skills: Door Openers, Minimal Encourages (brief indicators to other persons that you are with them), Infrequent Questions (open questions usually preferable), Attentive Silence (can increase comfort with silence by: attending to the other, observing the other, thinking about what the other is communication)
3) Reflecting Skills (See chapter 4)

Chapter 4: Reflective Listening ("In a reflective response, the listener restates the feeling and/or content of what the speaker has communicated and does so in a way that demonstrates understanding and acceptance" (50))
1) Paraphrasing (of content/facts; concise)
2) Reflecting feelings. Focus on:
- feeling words
- general content of the message
- body language
- "If I were having that experience, what would I be feeling?"
3) Reflecting meanings (both feelings and facts: "You feel . . . because . . .")
4) Summative reflections (restating of main themes & feelings after a long period of conversation)

Chapter 7: Improving Your Reflecting Skills
- Don't fake understanding
- Don't tell the speaker you know how she feels
- Vary your responses
- Focus on the feelings
- Choose the most accurate feeling word
- Develop vocal empathy
- Strive for concreteness and relevance
- Provide nondogmatic but firm responses
- Reflect the speaker's resources
- Reflect the feelings that are implicit in questions
- Accept that many interactions will be inconclusive
- Reflect during brief interactions
-.....

Chapter 9: Developing Three-Part Assertion Messages
1) Non-Judgmental Descriptions of Behavior: "When you don't clean the counter after making snacks . . ."
2) Disclosure of Feelings: ". . . I feel very annoyed"
3) Clarification of Tangible Effects on Asserter: ". . . because it makes more work for me."

Chapter 10: Handling the Push-Push Back Phenomenon
-Six-Step Assertion Process:
1) Preparation: writing assertion message before sending it (allows you to test the appropriateness of it: am I trespassing on other's space?, Is it a persistent concern?, Is there a base of trust?, Is there a high likelihood of my getting my needs met?), rehearse, arrange an appointment
2) Sending the Message (how it's sent): use assertive body language (feet firmly planted on floor, direct eye contact, gestures, . . .
3) Silence
4) Reflective Listening to the other's defensive response (hostility, questions, side-stepping debates, tears, withdrawal) -- tends to reduce defensiveness
5) Recycling steps 2 through 4 as often as necessary (i.e., reassert)
6) Focusing on a solution (good assertion messages allow the other person to come up with his/her own solution rather than you forcing a solution on the other):
- make sure it meets your needs
- paraphrase solution back to the other
- say thanks
- arrange a time to check with each other to make sure solution is working

Chapter 11: Increasing Your Assertive Options (for after you've mastered the Three-Part Assertion Message)
1) Natural Assertions (not following a particular method)
2) Self-Disclosure: (sharing feelings)
3) Descriptive Recognition (not flattery or evaluative praise of person's character, but letting the other person know you value a specific behavior of that person and perhaps telling him/her how it's had a positive effect on you, e.g., "When you . . . I feel . . . because . . .")
4) Relationship Assertions (when there's no tangible affect on relationship, just a negative impact)
5) Selective Inattention (when someone's verbally abusive / aggressive): tell the person you won't participate in conversations when the other uses abusive language, and then ignore them when they do; don't reward or reinforce negative behavior / "extension"
6) Withdrawal (temporary or permanent), especially when relationship is toxic
7) Spectrum Response (when a colleague offers an idea that you don't care for):
- Hear and understand the idea (try to find something you like about it)
- share with the other your view of that part of his / her idea that's worthwhile
- express concerns
8) Options (offer choices and then let the other choose between them)
9) Natural and Logical Consequences
- natural: let the person experience the natural consequences of his actions (if bike is left outside, it may get stolen)
- logical: e.g., if a child spills milk, he must clean it up; if they arrive late, they only get the remaining time
10) Stop the Action, Accept the Feelings, e.g, when a child gets angry and starts hitting his brother, stop the action, but let him feel the angery
11) Say "no" (he gives suggestions on different ways to say no)
12) Modify the environment (keep fragile things out of a young child's environment)

Chapter 12: Conflict Prevention and Control
- realistic conflict: opposed needs, goals, values, . . . inevitable and can lead to increased intimacy.
- nonrealistic conflict: done out of ignorance, prejudice, dysfunction, historical traditions, . . . - unwarranted and should be controlled / prevented: use fewer roadblocks' reflective listening; assertion skills; awareness of what behaviors likely to trigger conflict; get rid of your own tension through exercise, sports, . . .; increased emotional support from family and friends; be more tolerant; "issues control" (he explains, see p. 211); invite other person to share feelings; evaluate consequences and cost of conflict. In an organization: clearly stated policies and procedures, training for conflict management, . . .

Chapter 13: Handling the Emotional Components of Conflict
- focus on emotions first, deal with substantive issues later
- the conflict resolution method: rules that govern conflict:
Step 1: Treat the Other Person with Respect
Step 2: Listen Until You "Experience the Other Side" ("understand the opinions and suggestions or feelings of the other person -- from her point of view -- and then reflect those thoughts and feelings back to the other in a succinct statement." (221) "When the other person feels heard, you have earned the right to speak your point of view and express your feelings." (221)
Step 3: State Your Views, Needs, and Feelings
- Four ways to use the conflict resolution method: before a potential conflict, in the middle, . . .
- Preparation for the encounter (questions to ask: who should engage? when? . . .)
- Evaluating the Conflict (any lessons to be learned?)
- Expected Outcomes (bonds tend to grow stronger, . . . )

Chapter 14: Collaborative Problem Solving
-3 kinds of conflict: emotion, values conflicts, needs
-Alternatives to collaborative problem solving: denial, avoidance, capitulation, domination, compromise
- Collaborative problem solving (for conflict of needs; win/win; 6 steps):
1) Define the problems in terms of needs, not solutions (to discover needs, ask "why" the person wants the solution he's proposed; a statement of the goal, not the solution: "I need to ..."; ". . . it requires asserting one's own needs, listening reflectively until you understand the other person's needs, and then stating both sets of needs in a one-sentence-long summary of the problem." (243))
2) Brainstorm Possible Solutions:
3) Select the Solution That ill Meet Both Parties' Needs
4) Plan Who Will Do What, Where, and When
5) Implement the Plan
6) Evaluate How Well the Solution Turned Out (at a later date)
- Handling the Crucial Preliminaries
- What do I do when Collaborative Problem-Solving Doesn't Work?
- Applications

[Miss Ravi · Rating 3 out of 5]

گاهی پذیرفتن این‌که در کجای زندگی و رابطه‌هایت ضعف داری، کار خیلی سختی است. سخت‌تر از این‌که بهت بگویند ماه را بشکافی و یا تا نوک اورست بروی و برگردی. تا وقتی که تمام دنیایت را تنهایی یک‌دستی پوشانده باشد و در حاشیه‌ای امن به زندگی‌ات مشغول باشی، اتفاقی نمی‌افتد. خطری تهدیدت نمی‌کند. فقط امواج سکوت است که گاهی مثل نویز آزاردهنده‌ای در وجودت ویزویز می‌کند. اما همین‌که آدم‌های دیگر، نزدیک، آشنا، تازه وارد زندگی‌ات بشوند، از حاشیه‌ی امن ناگهان پرت می‌شوی به طوفان حوادث و آن‌وقت می‌فهمی که چقدر عیب در تو بوده و می‌خواهی مثل آدم در ابتدای خلقت و پس از رانده شدن از بهشت هی عیب‌هایت را با هر چیزی بپوشانی. تنها در مواجهه با دیگران است که خودت را می‌شناسی، خودت واقعیِ واقعی‌ات را. خودی که از ارتباط با دیگران چندان لذتی هم نمی‌برد و تنهایی را بیش‌تر دوست دارد. اما نمی‌شود که همه‌ی دنیا همواره بر مدار خواسته‌های تو بچرخد. باید خودت واقعی‌ات را ببری میان آدم‌ها و بعد از دیدن بدی‌ها و خوبی‌هایش فکر کنی چطور می‌توانی با دیگران به سازش برسی. از کتاب‌هایی که مدام دستورالعمل می‌دهند و راه‌های خوشبخت شدن را دیکته می‌کنند بیزارم بنابراین کاملاً با احتیاط سراغ این کتاب رفته‌ام و هنوز هم احساس می‌کنم ضعف‌هایم سرجای‌شان هستند ولی خواندنش باعث شد بعضی چیزهای کوچک و ریز برایم روشن شود.
همیشه از این‌که کسی -به هر شیوه‌ای- قدم به حریم شخصی‌ام بگذارد آن‌چنان مثل ببری وحشی خشمگین می‌شوم که نمی‌توانم به شکل منطقی فکر کنم. این کتاب نه البته به‌طور حیرت‌انگیز، بلکه تا حدودی به من گفت که چطور می‌شود راحت‌تر به حل این مسائل رفت. آدم‌هایی مثل من که مدام به تمام جنبه‌های یک رابطه می‌اندیشند و مدام در پی بهبود روابط و یا از بین بردن تعارض‌ها هستند و می‌خواهند رابطه کاملاً پاکیزه و عاری از کدورت باشد، می‌توانند با این کتاب کمی برای خود دلگرمی فراهم کنند. ضمن این‌که من نسخه‌ی فارسی را خوانده‌ام با ترجمه‌ی حمیدرضا سهرابی از انتشارات رشد.

[Bob Selden · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although “People Skills” was first published in 1986, I feel obliged to review it as the principles and lessons espoused by Robert Bolton are timeless. In fact it is probably one of the most used books in my collection (I even have the paperback version covered in plastic and it’s never far from my desk).

“People Skills” is not a book that one sits down and reads from cover to cover. It’s a book where you might read a chapter that relates to one of your underused skills (such as assertion) for your own development, or when you are faced with a difficult situation (such as managing a critical conflict). “People Skills” covers all the essential communication skills such as reflective listening, assertion and conflict management. Not only does Bolton provide the theory behind these skills, but he also gives short scenarios and great practical examples of how each can be applied.

Described by the publisher as a “communication skills handbook”, “People Skills” should be essential reading for every manager. In fact it should be the standard text for all “Management 101” courses and would add tremendously to the skill set of our younger generation by being used as a standard high school text. Don’t be put off by this textbook description as it is highly readable and a must for all practising managers. Make sure you have a copy to refer to when next you are faced with that difficult “people” issue.

[Kelsey · Rating 4 out of 5]

apparently the 80's is when all the good psych books were written. i've tried to apply the practical skills found in this book to my daily life, rephrasing what people say to assure understanding, keeping a watchful eye on my emotional space to protect it from intruders, etc. 2 weeks later and i still have friends, so the book can't be all bad.

[Beth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Update 2: Have read it several times. still good. (2018)

Update: Re-reading it every two years. Still good. (2013)

Original Review: This book is so full of good stuff, it's hard to get through. I started reading every page twice. I feel like I need to read it once a year or something.
I agree with everything this guy says and the book has prompted me to think that telling the truth all the time is okay. And to tell people when I don't like what they're doing, etc.

[Diana Iovanel · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found this book extremely useful in matters of communication and at times extremely uncomfortable in maters unrelated to it. The latter comes from the age of the book, written in 1979, which reflects the realities of the time in terms of gender norms. Of course this has nothing to do with the subject of the book but it can get quite disruptive. Without actually being sexist, many examples used in the book to describe situations of miscommunication between spouses use diminishing gender norms that are frustrating to hear/read. One specific fragment though cannot be excused and should not exist in the edition of a book that is in circulation in 2020 (i.e. on Audible): when the author emphasises the physical cues that convey meaning different from what is said, he uses the lyrics of a song to explain this, "her lips said no but her eyes said yes". After this turned my stomach I put down the book for a week. This example is most likely just a piece of evidence of a gross ignorance relating to consent that prevailed back then and too much nowadays as well. However, from the general tone and ideas expressed it is apparent that Bolton treats all speakers and listeners equally.

Beyond this, the book is very effective in teaching communication skills. It starts by describing roadblocks that people usually use that inhibit communication and disrupt relationships. It then goes on to offer a well rounded presentation of manners of active listening, assertion and conflict resolution, accompanied by roadmaps of implementation and troubleshooting. I believe one can learn practical skills after reading this book if they make sure to come back to re-examine the directions and actively implement them.

[Mohammd mohammadi · Rating 5 out of 5]

این کتاب رو به پیشنهاد یک روانشناس خوندم، کتاب مشهوری نبود که کسی این کتاب رو بشناسه ولی به جرأت میتونم بگم عالی ترین کتاب در موضوع خودش هست. کتاب در مورد اینه که چطوری با دیگران ارتباط برقرار کنیم، چه از طریق گفتار و یا شنیدار. در مورد مهارت های کلامی و شنیداری صحبت میشه و در کل 5 مهارت رو مورد بررسی قرار میده. مهارت ابراز وجود، مهارت گوش کردن، مهارت حل تعارض، مهارت مشارکت کردن و یه مهارت دیگ ک یادم نیس(: رو مورد بررسی قرار میده (بعدا اصلاح میکنم) کتاب به صورت علمی، رفرنس محور و همراه با مثال های زیادی از دنیای واقعی نوشته شده و برای من عملی بودند و فقط تئوری محور نبود.
از مورد های عملی کتاب: وقتی مسخره میشیم چطوری ابراز وجود کنیم، وقتی طرف مقابل عصبانی میشه چطوری برخورد کنیم، وقتی با طرف در مورد ارزش ها و عقاید اختلاف داریم چطوری رفتار کنیم، چطوری قاطعانه نه بگیم و ...
کتاب توسط حمیدرضا سهرابی ترجمه شده که ایشون خودشان متخصص هستند و ترجمه ی بسیار روانی رو ارائه کردند.
کتاب های علمی دیگ توی همین سبک، کتاب عشق هرگز کافی نیست از آرون تی بک ( بنیان گذار مکتب شناختی )، ارتباطات بدون خشونت از مارشال روزنبرگ هستند ولی کتاب وضعیت آخر و تئوری انتخاب هم توی این زمینه حرفی برای گفتن دارند.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

Eye opening to say the least. The only negative thing about it, just like with any other self-help book, you start to see everything wrong with the relationships you have, a negative attitude takes over and you begin to feel resentment for those that don't see what they are doing "wrong". It's an amazing book, it just requires a positive mind set.

[Emily Yu · Rating 4 out of 5]

It you want to explore the different aspects of having good people skills, this book will deliver on that. Good examples and scenarios to support the techniques shared. It did sometimes drag out with listing and describing elements of people skills, but the practical advice was enough to not be overly bothered by the "theory." I would refer back to this book for advice.

[Smuuti · Rating 5 out of 5]

It seems like a companion book for the course the author is organizing, but even high level descriptions of common mistakes and fixes are useful. A book that goes into a lot more nitty gritty than How To Win Friends and Influence People and I find it a good follow-up and more actionable than HTWFAIP. Will need a reread in a year to see how much progress in cultivating people skills I've made.

[Chelsea · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you want to learn how to better communicate with EVERYONE in your life, read this book!

[♥ Ashleigh ♥ Contrary to popular belief I'm not actually mad! · Rating 2 out of 5]

DNFing. It was a really helpful and insightful read but god it is boring and i just cant be bothered picking it back up. So no more for me.

sigh.

[Lori · Rating 3 out of 5]

The core information in this book is very useful. Unfortunately there is a lot of unnecessary filler that makes it a bit of a slog to get through.

[Jayden Jones · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book had some good basic concepts that can be taken from it, and it was relatively organized. my main issue is that it is from the 80s and quite a bit of examples the author uses to back up his claims are extremely outdated.

[Diana · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good info but prepare to read a lot of yapping

[Atul Maheshwari · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a nutshell, Good people skills not only get you what you want, they bring out the best in your relationships.

Although interpersonal communication is humanity's greatest accomplishment, the average person does not communicate well. Low-level communication leads to loneliness and distance from friends, lovers, spouses and children - as well as ineffectiveness at work.

In first two chapters, he mentioned how to remove the roadblocks. then he explored Listening skills. There is a huge difference between merely hearing and listening. Listening is not a single skill, but it genuinely practised involves a number of skill areas, which are below:
1. Attending
2. Following
3. Paraphrasing
4. Reflective responses

Assertiveness skills: The whole point of assertion statements is to produce change without invading the other person's space. There is no power or coercion involved, as the focus is on a result.

Conflict prevention and control: As the old saying goes: " A problem well defined is a problem half solved"

"people skills" has been around for 30+ years because the book rests on a strong intellectual foundation and it sticks to the fundamentals - three vital, learnable skills: Listening, asserting, and resolving the conflict.

There is a fair amount of repetition, it contains some highly useful tips and techniques that can be applied immediately.

[Brendon Wilkinson · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book as I was looking for a quick fix to help with some communication issues that were impacting on a friendship. It became quite apparent half way through the first Chapter that the issue I had identified were just the tip of the iceberg and that there isn't a quick fix. There was a lot of good advice in the book to take in and while I am sure I will not diligently apply most of it, I believe that recognizing how the habit of using communication roadblocks that I have developed over a lifetime has negatively influenced many relationships in my life is a great first step on the path to meaningful change.

I plan on reading the book again to make sure I didn't miss anything and I would highly recommend this book to anyone who is looking to improve the way their interpersonal communication skills.

[Evan Nelson · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'm honestly confused how so many people found this book to be useful. Personally I found it to be a collection of ineffective, formulaic techniques. All of the example scenarios were contrived and hyperbolic, completely ignoring all the subtleties that contribute to real world communication issues. Likewise, all of the success stories were anorexic, essentially comprising of nothing more than "Sally had trouble communicating with her boss/friend/partner, but then she used these techniques and now everything is great!"

The only positive I can give is that this book is well structured. It clearly explains the problem it wants to address, it gives a high-level overview of how it will address the problem, and then steps through each part of the solution. It was very easy to follow.

[Josh Maher · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book about communicating with people. I was surprised how many ideas are in here that are explained so well, with examples of scenarios and discussions about how to put the ideas into everyday use. I've heard so many podcast guests parroting the concepts that originate from Robert Bolton's work.

I read it alongside Daniel Goleman's emotional intelligence - great pairing! Where EI gives the science and explains why the science is relevant, people skills gives you the next level of application for even the most emotionally deficient among us.

[Pasquale · Rating 4 out of 5]

A must read for therapists new or seasoned or just for anyone wanting to improve their communication skills. Many references to famous therapists and their philosophies. Will be a recommended book for my Counseling Procedures course.

[Belinda · Rating 5 out of 5]

i refer to this book all the time, as a teacher, counselor, administrator, and person.

[M · Rating 4 out of 5]

Helpful book in many areas, but a little dense to wade through. It provides a very nice overview on interpersonal skills and covers assertiveness, active listening and problem solving skills.

[Zoe Young · Rating 4 out of 5]

i learned a lot

[David J. Harris · Rating 4 out of 5]

Workable advice, though it is a little quotatious and lengthier than necessary.

[Celeste Block · Rating 2 out of 5]

More like 2.5 stars. I read this as part of a book club for my work and while I feel like I didn’t necessarily learn anything new, it was nice to discuss some communication skills with my co-workers.

[Kirke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kui sul peaks kunagi Tallinna Ülikoolis tulema suhtlemispsühholoogia, siis eksamil on sellest teosest palju kasu. Mulle meeldis - sain jälle targemaks. Peegeldamine ja kehtestav käitumine on the end goal :33

[Nihal Vrana · Rating 3 out of 5]

It was an excruciating thing to read, but its content is great. It is written in a very humane, warm manner and it does not try to teach you "tricks" like most of its brothers do. Being didactic makes it difficult to concentrate but at the same time, it hammers its points on you so you are unlikely to forget them. It is a nice bundle of information about how we relate to other people and how we can do it better.

[Matthew · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book if you want to improve your social abilities.

[Konstantin · Rating 2 out of 5]

Lõpetasin ca 100 lk in kui sain aru, et autor hakkab end korrutama. Põhiasjad: kuula teisi, jälgi enda ja teiste kehakeelt ning mõista, et su sõnadel on suurem kaal, kui sa arvad.

Done.