This book, I’m sorry to say, is a DRAAAAAGG. After a promising opening where some rich kid gets his ass et—yeah, sorry Don Winslow, there ain’t no metaphorical savages in this one, we’ve got no-shit CANNIBALS on the menu—we spend about a hundred pages on these corporate executives and on their wives and their backstories and the history of Paui… it just takes an eternity to finally get our main characters to the damn island. Then, I swear, it’s another hundred pages before the plot kicks into gear and it’s finally CANNIBAL TIME!
Wait, sidebar. You’d think, with basically an entire PAPERBACK in the offing before we get to the action, these would be some richly developed characters. No, not really. Most of the girls are variations on “timid neurotic.” I needed to put a cheat sheet together to keep track of who was who. Making it worse/better is that when this book-length first act finally ends, most of the cast gets (spoiler alert) wiped out within the space of a paragraph. I guess it’s supposed to be shocking, but it really ends up feeling like you wasted your time on a section that could’ve been covered in a few concise pages.
But finally, we get to the good stuff. The girls are stranded on a tropical island, caught between cannibals and right-wing death squads with no hope of escape. Alright, time to party, right? Shit just got real, correct? Bring on the piranhas. Send in the crocodiles. Tell the pythons that they’re on in five.
No. Nothing happens. The author seems to have done a lot of research into how people would stay alive under these circumstances and she seems determined that you read every. Last. Iota. Of it. 90% of the peril these chicks face is just them making mistakes, you know, things that would entirely not be an issue if they were just competent and careful. Yeah, they’re supposed to be society types that are totally inexperienced with rough living, but even by the end, when they’re supposed to be all empowered and shit, they’re still making dumbfuck mistakes that nearly get them killed!
I get it, realistic, sure. And I’m sure you have a much better chance of dying from slipping in the shower than being killed by an axe murderer dressed as a clown. But this is fiction! I don’t want that much realism! I want the axe murderer dressed as a clown!
Even what little dramatic incidents that there are go by without the author being able to milk any suspense or thrills from them. The ladies capture a soldier and force him to labor on their behalf, while also finding him attractive because they’ve been on the island a long time. Some of them are sure he can’t be trusted, but others are receptive to the sob story he tells them of being press-ganged into the army. Sounds like a good recipe for some trashy fun, right?
Nope. The narrative immediately tells us he’s a bad guy, out to cause trouble. It only takes a few pages for him to escape and a few more pages for the problem to be solved. This subplot could’ve filled multiple chapters with tension, but it’s over and done with in about twenty-five pages.
And this is a nearly six hundred page book!
What really leaves a bad taste in your mouth is the ending. After a series of Gilligan’s Island style setbacks, resulting in the women having to build raft after raft and wait out storm after storm, they finnnnally get off the island. We get a lengthy, lengthy sequence of them starving to death as they float around (as if the entire cast is going to get wiped out after this many pages). There are suggestions of cannibalism but—this is downright hateful—the girls actually doing the deed is relegated to a dream sequence. Finally, FINALLY, they’re rescued—
The book ends RIGHT there.
No epilogue, no tying up loose ends, nothing. We’ve been following this guy who’s in love with one of them, trying desperately to rescue the girls. Does he get together with his lady love? Don’t know! One of the women thinks her husband is still alive, but he’s actually been dead this entire time. What does she do when she finds out the awful truth? Don’t know! These bitches were all but resorting to cannibalism! What’s their psychological state after that?
Don’t! Know!
What about the sleazy corporate executive who wanted to call off the search or the tinpot dictator who caused all this suffering in the first place? Do we at least get to see their comeuppance?
What do you think?
Maybe the author was saving all the catharsis of this long, LONG story for a sequel that would go into depth about their return to civilization, but the story feels simply unfinished without some sort of resolution beyond the boring “they lived and got rescued.” Yes, obviously, we know the book isn’t going to end with them all sinking to the bottom of the sea! What about details? What about specifics? I gladly would’ve traded a couple hundred pages from the endless middle about their boring fishing and hammock-making and whatever the fuck they even did for six hundred goddamn pages for just a little novella about how all this rattled out!
It’s like some editor gave Conran free rein to make this storyline as long and as boring as she saw fit, but insisted on calling it a day at six hundred pages. So Conran, instead of going back and leaving some stuff on the cutting room floor, just ended the book as abruptly as possible once she hit her word count.
I can’t overstate how unsatisfying this is. Could you imagine if Lord of the Rings ended with Frodo tossing the Ring into Mount Doom and boom, you’re staring at the backmatter? They’re your dumb characters, you can at least tell me whether they all ended up in a mental institution or what.