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The Entitlement Trap: How to Rescue Your Child with a New Family System of Choosing, Earning, and Ownership
Dump the allowance-and use a new "Family Economy" to raise responsible children in an age of instant gratification. Number-one New York Times bestselling authors Richard and Linda Eyre, have spent the last twenty-five years helping parents nurture strong, healthy families. Now they've synthesized their vast experience in an essential blueprint to instilling children with a sense of ownership, responsibility, and self-sufficiency. At the heart of their plan is the "Family Economy" complete with a family bank, checkbooks for kids, and a system of initiative-building responsibilities that teaches kids to earn money for the things they want. The motivation carries over to ownership of their own decisions, values, and goals. Anecdotal, time-tested, and gently humorous, The Entitlement Trap challenges some of the sacred cows of parenting and replaces them with values that will save kids (and their parents) from a lifetime of dependence and disabling debt.
256 pages, Paperback
First published September 6, 2001
150 people are currently reading
2691 people want to read
About the author
Richard Eyre
104 books29 followersWriters, lecturers, and grassroots and media catalysts, Linda and Richard Eyre's mission statement: "Our vision is to FORTIFY FAMILIES by celebrating commitment, popularizing parenting, glorifying grandparenting, bolstering balance, and validating values." Their latest efforts in these directions are their new books (The Happy Family [St. Martins Press], Empty Nest Parenting [Bookcraft], and The Book of Nurturing [McGraw Hill]) and their regular appearances on The CBS Early Show. Richard's new book, The Three Deceivers: How our obsessions with ownership, control and independence are ruining the quality of our lives, will be published next year.
Richard is president of a management consulting company and a ranked senior tennis player. He was a "mission president" for his church in London, and a candidate for Governor of Utah.
Richard and Linda have nine children (one of every kind) and live in Washington, D.C. and Salt Lake City.
Richard is president of a management consulting company and a ranked senior tennis player. He was a "mission president" for his church in London, and a candidate for Governor of Utah.
Richard and Linda have nine children (one of every kind) and live in Washington, D.C. and Salt Lake City.
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February 26, 2013I'm officially giving up on this one, having read about 2/3.
The authors diagnose a common issue in families -- entitlement -- but their solution is to establish a market economy in your home. I can see how this would give kids incentive to work and to feel ownership for things they bought, and generally appreciate the life they lead. However, living life like it's a Monopoly game doesn't sound great to me. It might work for some people (and kids) but I would hate for my kids to constantly put a dollar value on every action or object. (If it matters, it sounds like the parents are Mormons of the Stephen Covey, Harvard Business School Deans faction. Maybe this system matters more or would be more useful for larger families.)
That said, there are other bits of parenting advice in here about celebrating family accomplishments that I thought were valuable.
Overall, not a book I can recommend.
The authors diagnose a common issue in families -- entitlement -- but their solution is to establish a market economy in your home. I can see how this would give kids incentive to work and to feel ownership for things they bought, and generally appreciate the life they lead. However, living life like it's a Monopoly game doesn't sound great to me. It might work for some people (and kids) but I would hate for my kids to constantly put a dollar value on every action or object. (If it matters, it sounds like the parents are Mormons of the Stephen Covey, Harvard Business School Deans faction. Maybe this system matters more or would be more useful for larger families.)
That said, there are other bits of parenting advice in here about celebrating family accomplishments that I thought were valuable.
Overall, not a book I can recommend.
September 30, 2011
I've been seeing quite a lot of hype about this book in blogland, so I was excited when I was asked to review it.
I have devoured it. Devoured. And I am excited to implement the principles I've learned in my own household.
In the introduction, The Eyres explain how entitlement is the "one reason parenting is harder today than it has ever been." And then they go on to explain that entitlement comes from a lack of ownership. Children are given so much and little is expected of them. It took much more work to keep a household running 50 years ago than it does today, and children really had to help out.
Even though I feel like there is no way I can run my household effectively without help, and I do try to involve my children in the work, I realize that I don't expect nearly enough of them. I find myself justifying this because they have so much homework, music practice (which is a priority in our house) and other activities to do. But after reading this book, I am realizing that my girls don't take ownership of nearly enough.
Each chapter addresses ways to give our children ownership and a sense of equity in the family. I liked the focus on children having an inherent sense of justice, and that they do need to feel that they are equal members in the household. Giving them ownership helps them feel that, helps them to avoid feelings of entitlement, and to boot, helps me. Definitely a win-win situation.
Some of the chapters include:
Ownership of their own money
Ownership of their own stuff
Ownership of their own values
Ownership of their own goals
Ownership of their own bodies
Ownership of education
Ownership of relationships and conflicts
I am really big on personal responsibility in my house, just ask my children. I never allow them to blame others for their actions. But this book has made me realize how much further I need to go with personal responsibility and ownership. I loved it.
And, lucky for me, it goes really well with this week's goal in my Project Walking into a Hug: Create Work. Having specific responsibilities in the household will help my children to feel ownership. I have gone through so many freaking systems and lists and charts to get them to do their chores, but I haven't been able to come up with something that really works. There are good ideas in the Eyre's book, and I will keep on trying until we find the magic thing. And I will keep on making my children work.
The thing about these systems is that I have to also be on board and willing to do whatever it takes to make them work, and that is perhaps why they haven't worked so well in the past. I have said it before, and I'll say it again: I hate schedules and charts and stuff that makes me feel beholden to schedules and charts. But I am working on it. I am happier when I get things done, therefore I am happier imposing some sort of order and schedule on myself.
And, huh. Probably my children will be happier, too!
Go figure.
Original review found here
I have devoured it. Devoured. And I am excited to implement the principles I've learned in my own household.
In the introduction, The Eyres explain how entitlement is the "one reason parenting is harder today than it has ever been." And then they go on to explain that entitlement comes from a lack of ownership. Children are given so much and little is expected of them. It took much more work to keep a household running 50 years ago than it does today, and children really had to help out.
Even though I feel like there is no way I can run my household effectively without help, and I do try to involve my children in the work, I realize that I don't expect nearly enough of them. I find myself justifying this because they have so much homework, music practice (which is a priority in our house) and other activities to do. But after reading this book, I am realizing that my girls don't take ownership of nearly enough.
Each chapter addresses ways to give our children ownership and a sense of equity in the family. I liked the focus on children having an inherent sense of justice, and that they do need to feel that they are equal members in the household. Giving them ownership helps them feel that, helps them to avoid feelings of entitlement, and to boot, helps me. Definitely a win-win situation.
Some of the chapters include:
Ownership of their own money
Ownership of their own stuff
Ownership of their own values
Ownership of their own goals
Ownership of their own bodies
Ownership of education
Ownership of relationships and conflicts
I am really big on personal responsibility in my house, just ask my children. I never allow them to blame others for their actions. But this book has made me realize how much further I need to go with personal responsibility and ownership. I loved it.
And, lucky for me, it goes really well with this week's goal in my Project Walking into a Hug: Create Work. Having specific responsibilities in the household will help my children to feel ownership. I have gone through so many freaking systems and lists and charts to get them to do their chores, but I haven't been able to come up with something that really works. There are good ideas in the Eyre's book, and I will keep on trying until we find the magic thing. And I will keep on making my children work.
The thing about these systems is that I have to also be on board and willing to do whatever it takes to make them work, and that is perhaps why they haven't worked so well in the past. I have said it before, and I'll say it again: I hate schedules and charts and stuff that makes me feel beholden to schedules and charts. But I am working on it. I am happier when I get things done, therefore I am happier imposing some sort of order and schedule on myself.
And, huh. Probably my children will be happier, too!
Go figure.
Original review found here
February 18, 2020
I've been attempting to be a better parent so I've been reading more and more parenting books. Still making my way through the Love and Logic book among others.
This one has some really good ideas I hope to be able to put into practice. My problem tends to be when they don't work out right away and then I don't follow up with the practice. The books even warn you to keep at it and let the principal be taught through the programs they teach. But that's so hard!!
Anyway, some of my favorite ideas include the Family Economy, having your kids (of their own accord) write out a list of decisions they have made about their future (also goals), and when your kids are fighting, having them name what they did wrong to be able to get out of timeout.
This is one I'll have to keep coming back to to keep reminding myself, so luckily it's relatively short.
4 out of 5 stars (highly recommended)
This one has some really good ideas I hope to be able to put into practice. My problem tends to be when they don't work out right away and then I don't follow up with the practice. The books even warn you to keep at it and let the principal be taught through the programs they teach. But that's so hard!!
Anyway, some of my favorite ideas include the Family Economy, having your kids (of their own accord) write out a list of decisions they have made about their future (also goals), and when your kids are fighting, having them name what they did wrong to be able to get out of timeout.
This is one I'll have to keep coming back to to keep reminding myself, so luckily it's relatively short.
4 out of 5 stars (highly recommended)
January 16, 2019
This book had more information than I really needed but the first half really helped me get an overview for the Family Economy we wanted to implement.
August 28, 2013
Okay I'm going to be 100% honest and say I really don't like parenting books. I don't know why exactly, but maybe it's because the point at which I really NEED to read one, I'm so exhausted and frustrated that I don't have any desire to read it! That being said, I trust the Eyre family's advice and I liked the title of this book. I found it really interesting and well thought-out. It doesn't hold back in basically telling parents that they are the problem. It's true. If a child feels entitled, they have somehow been led to believe that they are. I recommend this to everyone, although especially elementary/middle school age as they say repeatedly in the book that it's those ages that are most receptive to learning new habits.
June 22, 2022
4⭐ for many of the ideas/principals, 2⭐ for overall tone
May 10, 2021
I really get a lot out of the Eyre's books. I love a lot of their parenting philosophies, especially creating family traditions and "roots". This one talked a lot about how ownership & choice in a safe environment can help our kids. I look forward to implementing a lot of what I learned, but as always with a book like this, will take and leave what I think will work best for my family. The principles here are solid & substantial.
October 7, 2011
This is the first Eyre book I've read, so that being said, here's what I most enjoyed about it:
* The ideas are practical and make sense
* They included reader feedback with additional variations and suggestions
* Didn't feel "fluffy", all the content was relevant and I didn't have a sense/need to skip anything
* The ideas resonated with me, many recommendations connected the dots for some ideas I've had for quite some time but wasn't sure how to implement them
* I felt motivated and encouraged by what I read, several of the authors' experiences rung true to some of my own with my kids
* Information is well-organized and easily referenced (I've already started referring back to notes and highlights)
Is this book the be-all-end-all in regards to family economics? No. But, I found it worth my time and believe it'll help us achieve the ownership/responsibility goals we want to encourage as well as more significantly influence monetary responsibility.
* The ideas are practical and make sense
* They included reader feedback with additional variations and suggestions
* Didn't feel "fluffy", all the content was relevant and I didn't have a sense/need to skip anything
* The ideas resonated with me, many recommendations connected the dots for some ideas I've had for quite some time but wasn't sure how to implement them
* I felt motivated and encouraged by what I read, several of the authors' experiences rung true to some of my own with my kids
* Information is well-organized and easily referenced (I've already started referring back to notes and highlights)
Is this book the be-all-end-all in regards to family economics? No. But, I found it worth my time and believe it'll help us achieve the ownership/responsibility goals we want to encourage as well as more significantly influence monetary responsibility.
January 11, 2013
Having not ever read any of the other Eyre's other books, I found this book to be a tremendous resource. Others have complained that it's a bit redundant if you've read other Eyre books, but I LOVED it. We did not implement the money system in its entirety, but we did incorporate many of the ideas, tweaked a bit for our family and combined with the system one of their children uses (as described on her blog (http://www.71toes.com/search/label/money). It's a fantastic way to give your children OWNERSHIP of their money, values and and decisions. Can really transform the overall family culture. HIGHLY recommend this book.
October 16, 2011
I enjoyed reading this book as follow up to a parenting retreat we attended in the Eyre's home. I think it's directed mainly for parents with children in the elementary school years. I agreed with another reviewer who said it was like "the best of" taken from all other books the Eyre's have written.
February 16, 2023
Great book, info so relevant for parenting today. I really enjoyed it and have tried some of the suggested approaches with my kids, happily with good results.
“Resolution, like responsibility, is a product of ownership, and kids can't resolve a conflict until they figure out how they contributed to it.”
“Entitlement is a double- edged sword (or a double-jawed trap) for kids. On one edge it gives kids all that they don’t need—indulgence, dullness, conceit, and laziness; and on the backswing, it takes from them everything they do need—motivation, inde- pendence, inventiveness, pride, responsibility, and a chance to really work for things and to build their own sense of fulfill- ment and self-esteem.”
“In the name of love, we give our kids ✽ indulgence rather than consequences; ✽ instant rather than delayed gratification; ✽ laxness rather than discipline; ✽ dependence rather than independence; ✽ and entitlement rather than responsibility.”
“Give your family greater depth, greater permanence, greater individuality, and give your kids a bigger identity and a bigger sense of inclusion and belonging. This is how you give them real ownership and equity in their own family!”
“We parents give our kids things instead of time, spoiling them as we add fuel to the entitlement flame.”
“Resolution, like responsibility, is a product of ownership, and kids can't resolve a conflict until they figure out how they contributed to it.”
“Entitlement is a double- edged sword (or a double-jawed trap) for kids. On one edge it gives kids all that they don’t need—indulgence, dullness, conceit, and laziness; and on the backswing, it takes from them everything they do need—motivation, inde- pendence, inventiveness, pride, responsibility, and a chance to really work for things and to build their own sense of fulfill- ment and self-esteem.”
“In the name of love, we give our kids ✽ indulgence rather than consequences; ✽ instant rather than delayed gratification; ✽ laxness rather than discipline; ✽ dependence rather than independence; ✽ and entitlement rather than responsibility.”
“Give your family greater depth, greater permanence, greater individuality, and give your kids a bigger identity and a bigger sense of inclusion and belonging. This is how you give them real ownership and equity in their own family!”
“We parents give our kids things instead of time, spoiling them as we add fuel to the entitlement flame.”
December 13, 2019
There are so great parenting ideas in this book. I really like the Family Economy, and have a type of this already in place, but will be adding to it now.
It felt like some of the second half of the. Ion was more of a ‘brag about my kids’ but there was still helpful stuff in it.
If you have worried about the entitlement of your kids I would recommend reading this.
It felt like some of the second half of the. Ion was more of a ‘brag about my kids’ but there was still helpful stuff in it.
If you have worried about the entitlement of your kids I would recommend reading this.
November 5, 2021
I love the concepts in this book. We have started a family economy in our family, and chores, practicing, etc. are no longer a fight. They understand the consequences for not being proactive. I also love the idea of the “repenting bench” and teaching ownership.
August 7, 2024
I don’t usually enjoy parenting books…. Typically I take 2% of what they say and implement it. But I actually agreed with most of what this book said. Lots of wisdom in this one, and it aligned right up with my parenting modality.
December 13, 2024
I wish I had read this when my children were much younger. But it still has great ideas and the overall concept is great to think about and implement even with your older kids (teenage).
October 21, 2020
We’ve implemented the family economy that is outlined in this book for over a year now and have seen great results with our kids. I highly recommend this book!
August 20, 2014
I listened to this book on CD and really loved many of the ideas presented. The main portion of the book outlines a system to help kids work in their home, earn money and spend it wisely. Although I've never really been a big fan of allowances, this is quite different and this book demonstrates how the ownership given to kids through this system can really help them gain responsibility, greater appreciation for the things they do enjoy and a greater sense of self worth. IT also lends greater meaning to things kids can do with their money rather than spending on themselves. Gift giving, charity and savings all have much more meaning when the money and thus the sacrifice is truly your own- because you worked for it. We are trying out a modified version of the system. So far I'm loving it. But whether you buy into this system or not, there are a lot of good ideas in the book. It's getting a peek into the Eyre family and seeing how they raised their kids. It's a very proactive parenting approach... not waiting for problems and then dealing with them... but rather anticipating what your kids are going to need help with and what skills we can help them develop as soon as possible. Very values oriented. I like it and may have to follow up after we've used this system a bit longer.
September 13, 2011
I really enjoy all of the Eyre's books, but they all seem to read the same with the same information. Most of the examples they used in the book were from other of their books that I've read. I wanted new examples and ideas from them. I totally agree with them that the current generation of kids seem to be more entitled than ever before. I think even my generation feels that they are entitled to more with less work. Just look at the nation's debt and obesity rates, for example, it screams entitlement. And those things have nothing to do with the children! It's so necessary to teach children at a young age how to avoid some of the pitfalls that are entrapping many in today's society. I liked their ideas (even if I'd read them all before); I just wanted more. This book is a good jumping off point for more discussion.
July 11, 2012
So this is the first book I have read authored by the Eyre's. Some of the other reviews I have read expressed that their books can be repetitive and redundant- but not having read any previously I thought this book was great! A must read for everyone. Whether you have children or not. I think the title is a little misleading (in my opinion)... I didn't feel like my children needed to be rescued, and we have implemented some of these principles into our home prior to reading the book, just not on such a grand scale. Having said that, I think we will be implementing all the principles presented and I cannot wait to get started. Chris is getting a crash course on the book ;)
I have also bought Teaching Your Children Values and can't wait to read that one as well (same authors). Seriously, awesome ideas. The world needs this book.
I have also bought Teaching Your Children Values and can't wait to read that one as well (same authors). Seriously, awesome ideas. The world needs this book.
January 6, 2016
This book has been on my to-read list for years and I'm glad I finally did! The author has some great ideas on how to teach your children to work, earn, and appreciate the things they have instead of just expecting a laundry list of gadgets and experiences. Lots of fun--and some unorthodox--approaches to allowance, relationship conflict and other things. I love the idea of a repenting bench...a place where arguing children are sent to and must remain until they 1)say how they contributed to the problem 2)say they're sorry and 3) give the other person a hug. Definitely going to try some of the ideas.
July 7, 2015
I love this book! While most parenting books I have read are reactive, this book is proactive. I love all of the ideas in this book: from family traditions and family economy to helping your children to have ownership over values, decisions, relationships, etc. I have always felt that a parent should be more of a guide than a tyrant (especially as children grow up and need to take on more responsibility), but did not have the skill-set to make this work. I will (and have already) be implementing many of the ideas from this book into my family.
March 8, 2024
The first half of this book was so helpful and I love the family economy, as I’ve been reading this book the past few weeks we’ve been implementing and creating our own family economy and I’ve already seen the positive changes and growth in my children/our family. As parents “we are stewards over our children, and that motivates us to give them all of our care and love them with a wisdom that allows us to turn their lives over to them, having built them the foundation they will need to make their lives become whatever they want them to be.”
February 13, 2013
Great book! There is a very corny parable about the Owner Ship in the first chapter or two, but I realized that it part of it's beauty. Because it is so contrived, it has the power to really stick with you and teach principles clearly.
I like the starting point this gives for building strong families with responsible members each taking ownership of their choices and things. I don't think it is intended to be a cookie cutter pattern for everyone, but a basis for a way of thinking.
I like the starting point this gives for building strong families with responsible members each taking ownership of their choices and things. I don't think it is intended to be a cookie cutter pattern for everyone, but a basis for a way of thinking.
February 2, 2012
One of the best parenting books I've read. This book has the solution for rampant entitlement - ownership! The Eyre's have targeted these parenting ideas towards the oft forgotten middle age children (ages 8 through 14). Their advice makes sense!! Glad I read it and will be a supportive grandparent.
September 24, 2012
I really enjoyed this readable and applicable book. I hadn't thought of the problem facing parents today as an issue with entitlement before reading the book, but now I find myself applying the idea right and left. We have been successful for the first time with our "family economy" thanks to many of the ideas in this book.
November 30, 2017
Probably the best parenting book I’ve ever read. I started reading this book, thinking that it was basically about a family allowance system. But it is so much more than that. To me, it is about creating an awesome family culture. Family culture has been on my mind a lot lately. And I feel like this book gave me so many concrete ideas. I bought it and pressed my husband into reading it too.
May 25, 2012
This book is a great parenting guide for the elementary age child. Love the ideas on how to give kids ownership and teach responsibility. We are currently incorporating the family economy program into our parenting. The results have been well worth the effort!
March 15, 2013
LOVED this book & can't wait to use the ideas in our family!
February 29, 2024
"Entitlement is a double- edged sword (or a double-jawed trap) for kids. On one edge it gives kids all that they don’t need—indulgence, dullness, conceit, and laziness; and on the backswing, it takes from them everything they do need—motivation, inde- pendence, inventiveness, pride, responsibility, and a chance to really work for things and to build their own sense of fulfill- ment and self-esteem."
"In the name of love, we give our kids ✽ indulgence rather than consequences; ✽ instant rather than delayed gratification; ✽ laxness rather than discipline; ✽ dependence rather than independence; ✽ and entitlement rather than responsibility."
"We parents give our kids things instead of time, spoiling them as we add fuel to the entitlement flame. We give them too much and demand too little of them; and thus we place our children in an environment and a mind-set where a sense of entitlement is the inevitable result."
"Sometimes for parents, it's more about being wise than being generous. And it's about what kids need more than what they want or what our love would like to give them. Yes, We may think they deserve it, and yes, we want to give it, and yes, they want it... But is it wise, and is it really in their best interest, to give it?"
"If the perception of ownership can be given to children, a sense of responsibility will follow, and a sense of pride, and a sense of purpose."
"What you don't is to creature a disproportionate focus on money or to make your kids into little mercenaries who will respond to every request with 'How much will you pay me for that?' Be to a careful to make it clear to the child the family economy applies only to a limited number of things. Explain that it is just a system to help share some of the tasks and to help kids have their own money to buy their own things. Tell them that this is training to be sure they will know how to handle money and how to be responsible after they leave home. Be sure they understand that 'getting paid' does not apply to things outside of what is represented on their Peg-board and that they should never ask to get paid for other things that you ask them to do, or for keeping their own room tidy, or for doing other things that they are supposed to do simply because they are part of a family."
"We are surrounded by things. And those that we perceive as ours, we take care of. But we do not feel real ownership of things unless we have paid or sacrificed something to obtain them."
We feel that a good parenting method
ought to meet five criteria:
1. It should help us make our children happier and more responsible, even as it contributes to the stability and permanence of our families.
2. It should be fun and mostly enjoyable. If it is heavy or oppressive or boring, it will never last. And it must be calming in the sense that it takes some of the negative emotion and pressure and frustration out of the parent-child relationship.
3. The idea must save time. The last thing any of us need is a bunch of complex procedures or practices that completely weld us to our kids and make it so there is no time or energy for anything else. It may take extra time or effort to set it up, but once established, it should be a time-saver.
4. It should turn over more of the initiative to kids, and thus motivate them in ways that help them to become increasingly self-reliant and self-disciplined. After all, the ultimate goal of parents should be to work ourselves out of the job.
5. The method should mirror the real world, and thus prepare kids to live in it.
"You can learn from your mistakes, but it will be less painful if you learn from my mistakes and other people's mistakes."
"Teach your children that it is by making decisions that we design our lives and create ourselves."
Grandfather's Secrets:
I. Most kids are waiting for someone to lead them; they just don't know it yet.
2. Joy is the goal of life and a choice you make.
3. Your conscience will help guide you in all decisions, large and small.
Most Common Decisions in Advance:
1. I will not experiment with drugs.
2. I will not smoke.
3. I will wait to have sex until marriage (or real commitment, or real love, or until after high school -lots of variations on this one).
4. I will graduate from high school.
S. I will graduate from college.
6. I will never ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking.
7. I will not cheat on tests.
8. I will always tell my parents the truth.
Repenting bench:
1. Think of what you did wrong. Not what the other kid did, but what you did. It takes two to tango, and you have to think of and admit what you did to contribute to the problem.
2. Say you are sorry and that you'll try not to do it again.
3. Give the other kid a hug.
Giving away stuff:
To avoid conflicts and disagreements about who would get what, we decided to hold an auction. Each of the kids got $30,000 in Monopoly money, and we hired a real, top-hatted, gavel-striking, fast-talking auctioneer. We marked every item in the home with a bid number and let the kids walk around and have pre-auction discussions and try to decide what they wanted most and develop their bidding strategy."
"In the name of love, we give our kids ✽ indulgence rather than consequences; ✽ instant rather than delayed gratification; ✽ laxness rather than discipline; ✽ dependence rather than independence; ✽ and entitlement rather than responsibility."
"We parents give our kids things instead of time, spoiling them as we add fuel to the entitlement flame. We give them too much and demand too little of them; and thus we place our children in an environment and a mind-set where a sense of entitlement is the inevitable result."
"Sometimes for parents, it's more about being wise than being generous. And it's about what kids need more than what they want or what our love would like to give them. Yes, We may think they deserve it, and yes, we want to give it, and yes, they want it... But is it wise, and is it really in their best interest, to give it?"
"If the perception of ownership can be given to children, a sense of responsibility will follow, and a sense of pride, and a sense of purpose."
"What you don't is to creature a disproportionate focus on money or to make your kids into little mercenaries who will respond to every request with 'How much will you pay me for that?' Be to a careful to make it clear to the child the family economy applies only to a limited number of things. Explain that it is just a system to help share some of the tasks and to help kids have their own money to buy their own things. Tell them that this is training to be sure they will know how to handle money and how to be responsible after they leave home. Be sure they understand that 'getting paid' does not apply to things outside of what is represented on their Peg-board and that they should never ask to get paid for other things that you ask them to do, or for keeping their own room tidy, or for doing other things that they are supposed to do simply because they are part of a family."
"We are surrounded by things. And those that we perceive as ours, we take care of. But we do not feel real ownership of things unless we have paid or sacrificed something to obtain them."
We feel that a good parenting method
ought to meet five criteria:
1. It should help us make our children happier and more responsible, even as it contributes to the stability and permanence of our families.
2. It should be fun and mostly enjoyable. If it is heavy or oppressive or boring, it will never last. And it must be calming in the sense that it takes some of the negative emotion and pressure and frustration out of the parent-child relationship.
3. The idea must save time. The last thing any of us need is a bunch of complex procedures or practices that completely weld us to our kids and make it so there is no time or energy for anything else. It may take extra time or effort to set it up, but once established, it should be a time-saver.
4. It should turn over more of the initiative to kids, and thus motivate them in ways that help them to become increasingly self-reliant and self-disciplined. After all, the ultimate goal of parents should be to work ourselves out of the job.
5. The method should mirror the real world, and thus prepare kids to live in it.
"You can learn from your mistakes, but it will be less painful if you learn from my mistakes and other people's mistakes."
"Teach your children that it is by making decisions that we design our lives and create ourselves."
Grandfather's Secrets:
I. Most kids are waiting for someone to lead them; they just don't know it yet.
2. Joy is the goal of life and a choice you make.
3. Your conscience will help guide you in all decisions, large and small.
Most Common Decisions in Advance:
1. I will not experiment with drugs.
2. I will not smoke.
3. I will wait to have sex until marriage (or real commitment, or real love, or until after high school -lots of variations on this one).
4. I will graduate from high school.
S. I will graduate from college.
6. I will never ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking.
7. I will not cheat on tests.
8. I will always tell my parents the truth.
Repenting bench:
1. Think of what you did wrong. Not what the other kid did, but what you did. It takes two to tango, and you have to think of and admit what you did to contribute to the problem.
2. Say you are sorry and that you'll try not to do it again.
3. Give the other kid a hug.
Giving away stuff:
To avoid conflicts and disagreements about who would get what, we decided to hold an auction. Each of the kids got $30,000 in Monopoly money, and we hired a real, top-hatted, gavel-striking, fast-talking auctioneer. We marked every item in the home with a bid number and let the kids walk around and have pre-auction discussions and try to decide what they wanted most and develop their bidding strategy."
June 5, 2018
I read this book for ideas. Some I think are excellent and others over the top. I'm not interested in my 10-year-old having that much access to money and making all his own clothing purchases yet, or creating a family code with words that all symbolize secret meanings to help my children monitor their behavior in public. I did pull away some ideas and I'm about to try a modified family economy.
Ideas to hang on to:
"Entitlement is connected to a lack of work and sacrifice and ownership. When people don't work for something, or give up anything for it, they never feel the pride of owning it or the will to care for and develop it."
"...(we) promote the worst of both worlds by giving children license too easy and responsibility too late."
-Give children choices I'm completely okay with as often as possible.
-Roots and family traditions give kids a greater sense of security. Write them down. Put them in books. Make a big deal out of them.
-Make family dinner a bigger deal, spending longer sitting at dinner. The speeches game, the what's similar game, happy/sad game, the question game. I think we eat too quickly with a mission to get it cleaned up and put away as quickly as possible.
-Make sure the kids are given humanitarian experiences
-Practical goal-setting ideas and vision boards
Ideas to hang on to:
"Entitlement is connected to a lack of work and sacrifice and ownership. When people don't work for something, or give up anything for it, they never feel the pride of owning it or the will to care for and develop it."
"...(we) promote the worst of both worlds by giving children license too easy and responsibility too late."
-Give children choices I'm completely okay with as often as possible.
-Roots and family traditions give kids a greater sense of security. Write them down. Put them in books. Make a big deal out of them.
-Make family dinner a bigger deal, spending longer sitting at dinner. The speeches game, the what's similar game, happy/sad game, the question game. I think we eat too quickly with a mission to get it cleaned up and put away as quickly as possible.
-Make sure the kids are given humanitarian experiences
-Practical goal-setting ideas and vision boards
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