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Without Offense : The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism
In this important volume, Dr. John L. Lund presents, in a direct and sincere manner, steps we can take to change our approach to giving and receiving criticism as disciples of Jesus Christ. Dr. Lund tells how we can lead ourselves and others toward positive change without falling into unrighteous traps like judgment and contention. He also shows how to recognize common forms of inappropriate criticism like sarcasm and excessive direction giving and how to recognize those times when criticism is appropriate and necessary. Without The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism will teach you how to thoughtfully give and receive criticism without offending the Holy Spirit or one another.
229 pages, Paperback
First published May 21, 1998
20 people are currently reading
585 people want to read
About the author
John Lewis Lund
23 books23 followersDr John L. Lund is a great writer and his CD's on human interaction are fun, informative, and entertaining. He has taught in major universities in Utah, Idaho, and California, hosts trips to Israel and Mesoamerica and is a fantastic archeologist too. Check out his books in both fields and you will find a great writer to follow here on Goodreads.com.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 73 reviews
June 11, 2011
The message in this book was, for me, life-changing.
I was expecting to find a book that would help me phrase my (critical) opinions better so that the other person would be more apt to do things my way. (I know. I'm like that.) Instead, I've become more open to the idea of not criticizing AT ALL (except in things over which I have authority - which are few.) Clearly, this can only make me (and the people around me) happier.
I can't stress enough how empowering this book has been for me. I plan on skimming the pages and reminding myself of its exercises often.
I was expecting to find a book that would help me phrase my (critical) opinions better so that the other person would be more apt to do things my way. (I know. I'm like that.) Instead, I've become more open to the idea of not criticizing AT ALL (except in things over which I have authority - which are few.) Clearly, this can only make me (and the people around me) happier.
I can't stress enough how empowering this book has been for me. I plan on skimming the pages and reminding myself of its exercises often.
October 25, 2017
I've never thought of myself as someone who gives a lot of criticism, but this made me much more aware of the criticism I do give and whether I'm giving it appropriately.
I could probably write pages about the things I learned from this book. Here are some of the things that stood out (and sorry...this is kind of stream of consciousness recording my memories of what I learned).
With only a few exceptions, we are not called to judge others, we are called to love them. So with few exceptions, we have no right to criticize unless the person asks for our feedback. Criticism is never constructive...the very word criticism means to tear down where as construct means to build. He challenges readers to go 24 hours without offering any criticism...or if possible, go longer. Any time you offer criticism, your 24 hours starts over. It was harder than I thought it would be.
Much of the counsel in the book comes from D&C 121: 41-46. This is God's way of changing behavior...Lund spends a great deal of time discussing each part of these verses and how they relate to criticism. There's a lot to be learned from these verses.
When someone we love is doing something that bothers, annoys or upsets us, we should first take our frustration to God, then take our love to that person.
This does not mean that we let others mistreat us...we can/should have an "I love you plan" and an "I trust you" plan. God does for us. God's I love you plan is that all of us will be resurrected, all of us can pray, all of us were given the light of Christ, all of us can have the Holy Ghost witness of truth, all of us can repent and be forgiven. God's I trust you plan deals with our obedience to laws. Many of His blessings, including eternal life, are conditional upon our obedience. We should show love to others, but we don't have to trust them if they don't act in a trustworthy way. Gifts are different than blessings. Blessings are earned; gifts are given freely. You might need an I love you plan and an I trust you plan with those you cannot trust...setting limits or requirements for you to extend trust is a loving behavior.
Eseentially an I love you plan says I love you. I will help you to become your highest and best self; but I won't help you to hell or enable your self-destructive choices. I trust you means: I can trust you because you are where you said you would be, doing what you said you would be doing. I trust you because your choice are responsible.
I also loved the council he gave about how to handle criticism from others. I need to implement this better...
1. Take a mind walk. Have some kind of visualization that you can use when someone begins to criticize you so that your ego, your sense of self, does not become damaged. Perhaps visualize putting your ego in a safety deposit box or somewhere else safe.
2. (When a person is interrupted in the middle of a criticism, they generally go back to the beginning and repeat themselves. They feel like they aren't being heard. So listen carefully to understand their message.)
3. Record the criticism. Write it down so you can evaluate it. There are 3 reasons to write the criticism down...1st writing it down will allow it to go through your ears and into your brain, then down your arm, and hand into the paper. Otherwise the criticism will stay in your brain. Writing it down helps you separate it from your sense of worth. 2nd: writing it down allows you to evaluate it at a later time. 3rd: It will also alert the person criticizing you how often they criticize you and how serious you are about listening to their criticism. It demonstrates your sincere attempt to improve. It increases your credibility & helps you focus. (If the person criticizing doesn't want you to write it down, explain that if it's important enough for them to address, then it's important enough for you to write down and attempt to make changes. If they'd prefer, offer them the choice to write it down for you rather than speaking it aloud.
4. Don't get emotional! Calmly repeat back the criticism to be certain that you wrote it down correctly.
5. Excuse yourself. Tell them that you'd like to talk to them about the criticism at a time and place that is mutally agreeable to both of you. "I've heard you. I'm not ready to talk about these things yet, because I need some time to think through them. But can we talk at __________ time and place?"
6. Carefully evaluate the criticism. Are there areas you could improve to become your best and highest self? Evaluate your ability, willingness and energy to change.
7. Meet with the person and calmly (without emotion) explain your thinking regarding the criticism. Your response will probably be one of these 4 things: 1. I can see that there are areas I can change and here's my plan for what I am willing and able to do to change. 2. I disagree with this criticism and here is why. 3. I need more information to know what needs to be done and to determine what I need to change. 4. I'm unwilling or unable to change that at this time.
There was also great counsel on dealing with toxic people... Affirm your commitment to become your best self. Let go of the idea that the toxic person will ever give you the acceptance or approval that you need/want. What you do will never be good enough for them. So decide on your own standard of excellence. Then live up to your own personal standard. Define what is enough in specific terms. Aks yourself what a good and loving person would do in each situation. Ask yourself, "How would I counsel my child to handle this situation?" Then follow your own counsel.
I could probably write pages about the things I learned from this book. Here are some of the things that stood out (and sorry...this is kind of stream of consciousness recording my memories of what I learned).
With only a few exceptions, we are not called to judge others, we are called to love them. So with few exceptions, we have no right to criticize unless the person asks for our feedback. Criticism is never constructive...the very word criticism means to tear down where as construct means to build. He challenges readers to go 24 hours without offering any criticism...or if possible, go longer. Any time you offer criticism, your 24 hours starts over. It was harder than I thought it would be.
Much of the counsel in the book comes from D&C 121: 41-46. This is God's way of changing behavior...Lund spends a great deal of time discussing each part of these verses and how they relate to criticism. There's a lot to be learned from these verses.
When someone we love is doing something that bothers, annoys or upsets us, we should first take our frustration to God, then take our love to that person.
This does not mean that we let others mistreat us...we can/should have an "I love you plan" and an "I trust you" plan. God does for us. God's I love you plan is that all of us will be resurrected, all of us can pray, all of us were given the light of Christ, all of us can have the Holy Ghost witness of truth, all of us can repent and be forgiven. God's I trust you plan deals with our obedience to laws. Many of His blessings, including eternal life, are conditional upon our obedience. We should show love to others, but we don't have to trust them if they don't act in a trustworthy way. Gifts are different than blessings. Blessings are earned; gifts are given freely. You might need an I love you plan and an I trust you plan with those you cannot trust...setting limits or requirements for you to extend trust is a loving behavior.
Eseentially an I love you plan says I love you. I will help you to become your highest and best self; but I won't help you to hell or enable your self-destructive choices. I trust you means: I can trust you because you are where you said you would be, doing what you said you would be doing. I trust you because your choice are responsible.
I also loved the council he gave about how to handle criticism from others. I need to implement this better...
1. Take a mind walk. Have some kind of visualization that you can use when someone begins to criticize you so that your ego, your sense of self, does not become damaged. Perhaps visualize putting your ego in a safety deposit box or somewhere else safe.
2. (When a person is interrupted in the middle of a criticism, they generally go back to the beginning and repeat themselves. They feel like they aren't being heard. So listen carefully to understand their message.)
3. Record the criticism. Write it down so you can evaluate it. There are 3 reasons to write the criticism down...1st writing it down will allow it to go through your ears and into your brain, then down your arm, and hand into the paper. Otherwise the criticism will stay in your brain. Writing it down helps you separate it from your sense of worth. 2nd: writing it down allows you to evaluate it at a later time. 3rd: It will also alert the person criticizing you how often they criticize you and how serious you are about listening to their criticism. It demonstrates your sincere attempt to improve. It increases your credibility & helps you focus. (If the person criticizing doesn't want you to write it down, explain that if it's important enough for them to address, then it's important enough for you to write down and attempt to make changes. If they'd prefer, offer them the choice to write it down for you rather than speaking it aloud.
4. Don't get emotional! Calmly repeat back the criticism to be certain that you wrote it down correctly.
5. Excuse yourself. Tell them that you'd like to talk to them about the criticism at a time and place that is mutally agreeable to both of you. "I've heard you. I'm not ready to talk about these things yet, because I need some time to think through them. But can we talk at __________ time and place?"
6. Carefully evaluate the criticism. Are there areas you could improve to become your best and highest self? Evaluate your ability, willingness and energy to change.
7. Meet with the person and calmly (without emotion) explain your thinking regarding the criticism. Your response will probably be one of these 4 things: 1. I can see that there are areas I can change and here's my plan for what I am willing and able to do to change. 2. I disagree with this criticism and here is why. 3. I need more information to know what needs to be done and to determine what I need to change. 4. I'm unwilling or unable to change that at this time.
There was also great counsel on dealing with toxic people... Affirm your commitment to become your best self. Let go of the idea that the toxic person will ever give you the acceptance or approval that you need/want. What you do will never be good enough for them. So decide on your own standard of excellence. Then live up to your own personal standard. Define what is enough in specific terms. Aks yourself what a good and loving person would do in each situation. Ask yourself, "How would I counsel my child to handle this situation?" Then follow your own counsel.
June 12, 2015
This book was life-changing for me, and a must read for anyone trying to be like Christ, and be their "best and highest self." From the middle on, I highlighted on nearly every page. I had never heard of the concepts of both criticizing and receiving criticism in the Lord's way. It will take a lot of practice for me, but will be worth it. I also loved all of the practical application especially at the end, and particularly about dealing with toxic personalities.
I couldn't possibly list all of my favorite quotes, but here are several:
"The Atonement of Jesus Christ in Gethsemane established the worth of a soul. Imagine facing the Savior on Judgment day and explaining to Him our right to attack the worth of a soul."
"We never have the right to attack the inherent value or self-worth of another - not in jest, not in the heat of anger, not out of frustration, not out of our own weakness, never! never! never! This means no name-calling, no swearing at someone, no epithets. It means no spiritual, physical, or emotional abuse. This is a non-negotiable."
"People deserve to be loved because they are children of god. Love should not be the reward for behaving well."
"The art of parenting is not the art of hanging on, but the art of letting go....True parenting involves gradually transferring the responsibility for life to the shoulders of the child."
"The key to becoming an agent of love is to take our frustration to God in mighty prayer. We take our love to our loved ones....The truth is that God's way is the most effective and efficient way to operate."
"God needs people who can give love....Who knows if your spirit was not reserved to come to this earth at this time to be an agent of love for the one who is difficult to love?"
"When this life is over, we will be overwhelmed at God's participation in our lives and the lives of our loved ones....Because He sees the 'big picture' with eternal perspective, God knows how, where, and when to intervene....What we think is in the best interest of a loved one may not be in his or her eternal best interest....God is patient. God will find a way to save His children without violating their agency."
"Jesus taught us to respect all men and women because that is what a good and righteous person should do regardless of whether others have earned it."
"If our interest in changing others is only to make our lives better, we will not be successful....Anything other than the motivation to share love is not the Lord's way of assisting in change."
"What will you give in exchange for the souls of those you love? Most of us would give our lives, but will we restrain our tongues?"
I couldn't possibly list all of my favorite quotes, but here are several:
"The Atonement of Jesus Christ in Gethsemane established the worth of a soul. Imagine facing the Savior on Judgment day and explaining to Him our right to attack the worth of a soul."
"We never have the right to attack the inherent value or self-worth of another - not in jest, not in the heat of anger, not out of frustration, not out of our own weakness, never! never! never! This means no name-calling, no swearing at someone, no epithets. It means no spiritual, physical, or emotional abuse. This is a non-negotiable."
"People deserve to be loved because they are children of god. Love should not be the reward for behaving well."
"The art of parenting is not the art of hanging on, but the art of letting go....True parenting involves gradually transferring the responsibility for life to the shoulders of the child."
"The key to becoming an agent of love is to take our frustration to God in mighty prayer. We take our love to our loved ones....The truth is that God's way is the most effective and efficient way to operate."
"God needs people who can give love....Who knows if your spirit was not reserved to come to this earth at this time to be an agent of love for the one who is difficult to love?"
"When this life is over, we will be overwhelmed at God's participation in our lives and the lives of our loved ones....Because He sees the 'big picture' with eternal perspective, God knows how, where, and when to intervene....What we think is in the best interest of a loved one may not be in his or her eternal best interest....God is patient. God will find a way to save His children without violating their agency."
"Jesus taught us to respect all men and women because that is what a good and righteous person should do regardless of whether others have earned it."
"If our interest in changing others is only to make our lives better, we will not be successful....Anything other than the motivation to share love is not the Lord's way of assisting in change."
"What will you give in exchange for the souls of those you love? Most of us would give our lives, but will we restrain our tongues?"
August 30, 2016
I read this as an LDS missionary, and have since become an atheist. Many of the lessons I learned growing up in church aren't very applicable with a secular humanist mindset. However, the lessons in this book still guide me frequently. They stand true, independent of the scriptures and authoritative quotes from church leaders used to support and expand on them. For me, they were and still are life-changing, profound, and extremely useful.
It's been years since I read the book, but I just want to share some of the most important points that stuck with me:
- There are few people we really need to criticize, but everyone needs our love.
- Criticism is an inherently destructive act, like demolition of a house. If you really want to help, don't just knock down walls, stay for the remodeling. If you can't, don't knock down walls at all.
- When someone criticizes you it's often like getting a gift box full of jewels and trash. Before internally accepting it, toss the trash and clean the jewels. Some people suck at packaging and you don't need that trash in your mental space. But that doesn't mean it's all bad.
The book is chock full of good stuff. It's definitely worth a read if you've got an LDS background.
It's been years since I read the book, but I just want to share some of the most important points that stuck with me:
- There are few people we really need to criticize, but everyone needs our love.
- Criticism is an inherently destructive act, like demolition of a house. If you really want to help, don't just knock down walls, stay for the remodeling. If you can't, don't knock down walls at all.
- When someone criticizes you it's often like getting a gift box full of jewels and trash. Before internally accepting it, toss the trash and clean the jewels. Some people suck at packaging and you don't need that trash in your mental space. But that doesn't mean it's all bad.
The book is chock full of good stuff. It's definitely worth a read if you've got an LDS background.
November 16, 2011
This book is in my top 5 favorite books. It was required reading for my marriage and family therapy classes. I have read it no less than 16 times. I also have it on audio. Dr John L. Lund presents, in a direct and sincere manner, steps we can take to Change our approach to giving and receiving criticism as disciples of Jesus Christ. Dr. Lund tells how we can lead ourselves and other toward positive change without falling into the unrighteous traps like judgment and contention. He also shows how to recognize common forms of inappropriate criticism like sarcasm and excessive direction giving and how to recognize those times when criticism is appropriate and necessary. This book will teach you how to thoughtfully give and receive criticism without offending the Holy Spirit or one another. Everyone can benefit from the principles taught in his book.
February 2, 2012
I stumbled onto this book in our local library. It was on audio cassette, and I thought, "For $1 it's worth listening to." Wow! What a gem!! John Lund has changed my life, my heart, and my approach to people in general. Even though change is hard, it makes me want to try and live the higher law of no criticism in my life. Hard to do, but John gives hope, encouragement, and very specific ways to at least try and be a much better person, parent, friend, and spouse. I will admit that I've had to read the book several times to get the points to sink in, and I learn something new each time I read it. It's so centered on the gospel principles of mighty prayer, living the higher celestial laws, and just good Christian values. I highly recommend this to anyone who wants good, positive behavioral changes in their life.
June 28, 2015
Mike and I took a marriage class from this author when we were engaged. He was such a fun, engaging speaker that knew his stuff!!
I decided to read this book after I had a difficult encounter with a very toxic personality. I didn't handle myself as best I could in the situation either and wanted some insight and direction on how I could do better in the future.
This book was so insightful and helpful. The first few chapters were hard to get through; although, they were very informative and necessary as the author set the stage for the practical advice to come.
I feel like I learned so much about human relationships, change, parenting but most importantly LOVE and MIGHTY prayer. So many things that will help me in all my interactions in the future.
Would highly recommend this read!
I decided to read this book after I had a difficult encounter with a very toxic personality. I didn't handle myself as best I could in the situation either and wanted some insight and direction on how I could do better in the future.
This book was so insightful and helpful. The first few chapters were hard to get through; although, they were very informative and necessary as the author set the stage for the practical advice to come.
I feel like I learned so much about human relationships, change, parenting but most importantly LOVE and MIGHTY prayer. So many things that will help me in all my interactions in the future.
Would highly recommend this read!
February 10, 2013
Wow, this book is fantastic. As a person who both has a hard time receiving criticism and criticizes way too often, this was eye opening and life changing. I'm going to buy it and work through all the "homework" at the end of each chapter (didn't have time to do that now because it was a library book). I love how the author uses scriptures and quotes from prophets to teach principles. Right from the beginning, when he talks about how you should only give criticism to a person that is under your stewardship and when you feel "moved upon by the Holy Ghost," I knew that I would need to pay attention. Turns out my husband doesn't qualify as someone "under my stewardship." :) Seriously though, I love this book.
January 24, 2015
Save money and buy this book instead of going to a counselor for any relationship problems. I love how the principles in this book can be applied to my relationships with my parents, siblings, children, spouse, in-laws, friends... anyone! I also want others to know that this book is definitely targeted to an LDS (Mormon) audience--quoting LDS sources to make points. However, I still think the message is timeless and could solve a lot of the world's problems no matter what religion people are. Can't wait to read it again & again.
January 11, 2010
This book was EXCELLENT! An eye-opener to me on some things that I do in my relationships and I really need to cut it out. As soon as I finished reading this a year or so ago I felt like I should pick it up and start over again. This information needs to be pounded into my brain. If you are married, have family, extended family, co-workers, if you ever leave home and are in contact with other people you should read this book. I should probably go read it again right now. I went to a series of talks by John Bytheway on marriage and he relied heavily on John Lund's input and repeated much material from this book.
December 18, 2014
I expected an intellectual, academic book - what I got was a religious book. That being said, for a religious book on giving and taking criticism it wasn't bad, but it was also primarily written for Mormons, which I am not, so a lot of the references were outside of my realm of experience. While the book had some good points, and I legitimately took away some emotional insight that I do feel like will help me in conflict, it just wasn't what I was looking for when I picked it up. It also seemed to smack unintentionally of paternalism - and many examples focused on people in emotionally abusive situations and how they could try and cope - but packaged it as "taking criticism better".
October 22, 2012
Although the subtitle of the book is about giving and receiving criticism, a lot of the book is about NOT giving criticism and why. It is about loving and encouraging people.
The teachings in this book provide enough work for a lifetime of improvement. I listened to the book on CD and really enjoyed the teachings, although they are difficult to implement. Now I am reading the book slowly - reading a chapter and then working to put it into practice.
It is a great companion to the teachings in the book I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundbergs.
First read March 2011
The teachings in this book provide enough work for a lifetime of improvement. I listened to the book on CD and really enjoyed the teachings, although they are difficult to implement. Now I am reading the book slowly - reading a chapter and then working to put it into practice.
It is a great companion to the teachings in the book I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundbergs.
First read March 2011
August 10, 2023
A great inside into one's personal life of how we criticize people without even knowing it, or not realizing the impact that it has on a person. It is also an amazing book that shares how to righteously give and receive criticism to those who are in our stewardship. There were some great points and ideas I had never even thought about because people complain and criticize so easily that it seems second nature. I listened to this book first on audio, which was wonderful. Religious Content and References.
October 15, 2015
Another book I don't remember why I put on hold - but when it came I decided to give it a listen - I like John Lund. It was very good with some great ideas on how to give and take criticism - and ways to handle critical people. This takes work - and practice - and in the end it is about making relationships better. It is from an LDS perspective - but aside from the scriptures used to support some of his ideas could be used by anyone. I suspect there is another non-LDS book that says much the same sort of thing.
October 27, 2009
This book is a must read by everyone. The author takes you down a path that shows the devastating effect that criticism has. In it the case is made that in almost all cases it would be better to not criticize. The book also gives great insight into handle being criticized. Even though this book is written with a Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints point of view the insights gained can be appreciated by anyone.
August 4, 2010
This was a really good book with some great ideas. There were concepts that I will definitely take to heart and use (try hard to use!) in the future. There are a few that seem a little over the top to me, but I understand the principles.
I think this is a great book to read, especially for people who feel like they're dealing with a lot of criticism - giving or receiving. But even for people who have good relationships, to continue building them and treating each other with love.
I think this is a great book to read, especially for people who feel like they're dealing with a lot of criticism - giving or receiving. But even for people who have good relationships, to continue building them and treating each other with love.
March 25, 2008
This book is great...I was spending some time with my 80-year-old mother, read her a few sections and I never saw the book again. I had to buy myself another copy. Coming from a family that has critical thinking and critical 'giving' down to an art form, this book was a huge eye-opener. Reading it was a very humbling experience and at the same time very healing.
April 19, 2009
Bought this at BYU education week. I thought it would help me correct my children when they were in their teens.-- Stupid me--it basically states: no need for criticism, just unconditional love. Humbled me. The title I have is just The Art of Giving and Receiving Criticism. Sure this is just a newer edition. It is the same author.
May 13, 2012
Reading this for the second time - it is absolutely one to return to again and again. It focuses on being less critical, more level-headed and seeing others through Christ's eyes. Its advice and challenges are specific enough to inspire actual change. Everyone who is a friend, lover, employee, manager, parent or child NEEDS this book! In other words, EVERYONE needs this book!
January 17, 2008
This is a divine audio tape Michelle Johnson recommended to me. I listened to it after HOW TO LOVE A PORCUPINE. Very humbling and it does a good job of TEACHING why criticism is so deadly in ALL forms. We DESTRUCT when we use it.... The point is to BUILD!
July 20, 2008
this is the greatest book ever. i actually have it on CD and in paperback because i love it so much. this is taking me a long time to implement, but it is one of the best mormon self help books out there.
September 15, 2008
This is an absolute must read for every one!! I Don't believe it matters how good of a communicator you believe yourself to be, this book can make you better! This should be required reading in all schools, universities, businesses, etc.. everywhere.
September 28, 2008
I found this a life changing book. John Lund has a handle on the scriptures and what it means to have Christlike love that is both informative and inspiring. I recently purchased this book on CD so that I can listen to it again and again and hopefully incorporate the suggestions in my life.
December 16, 2008
A few chapters into this book and I must say, it is a keeper. I will be working on this for the rest of my life. O.K. The first 1/2 was a 5, but then it got a bit redundant. Still a total keeper and a vital read for anyone. I can't tell you how much I got out of it. WOW I need work.
April 8, 2009
This book was a little hard to read because It was something I needed to work on. However the insights I gleaned were amazing. For example, that we need to be aware of when it is not our role to criticize and just love instead.
May 5, 2010
A book that will be read over again. It started a little slow for me but was a thought provoking read. Self Evaluation is sometimes harsh and healing. Too many chapters read like they were written right for me. That's why I will need to read it again, to see if I have learned and changed.
February 15, 2011
I took several classes from Dr. Lund and learned a lot from him. This book helped me to realize it isn't our place to criticize others and it is great to have on hand to remind us of this from time to time.
March 25, 2011
Great book! This book helps you think through the criticism that you shouldn't be speaking and helps you change your thinking so that you're not thinking the criticism at all. It's book I'll likely be reading many times in my life.
July 22, 2012
This is a humbling read, but a good one. It made me realize how often I unconsciously judge others and gave me some good ideas on how to improve. I purchased the book so I could make it a life-long study.
February 11, 2008
Great book!!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 73 reviews