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The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do
Psychologists John and Linda Friel have written an enormously readable and infinitely practical book that digs into some of the worst mistakes that parents make, with suggestions on how parents can change immediately. The Friels examine the seven most ineffective and self-defeating behaviors that parents display again and again. Working from the ideas that even small changes can have big results, the authors give parents concrete steps they can take to end the behaviors and improve the quality of their parenting. Whether readers are contemplating starting a family, have children who haven't entered school yet, are struggling with rebellious teenagers, or are empty-nesters wondering how they can be better parents to their grown children, they can't afford not to read this book. With the same clarity and concrete examples that have sold over 350,000 copies of their books, the Friels offer readers forty years of combined experience as practicing psychologists, and fifty years of combined experience as blended-family parents. This material has been field-tested in the authors' own household, with hundreds of their clients, and with thousands of their workshop and Clearlife Clinic participants. It will cause immediate changes in parents' behavior, and immediate improvement in the lives of their children.
204 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 1999
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Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews
January 5, 2019
In my opinion, this book is the best for parents who have children and “REALLY” want to help them build their future.
April 24, 2017
The 7 Worst Things Parents Do was a great read!
Many parents whose children are out-of-control will recognize themselves in the following.
1) Baby your child
2) Put your marriage last
3) Push your child into too many activities
4) Ignore your emotional or spiritual life
5) Be your child’s best friend
6) Fail to give your child structure
7) Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.
The 7 Worst Things Parents Do is the best parenting book I’ve read to date!
In a no-nonsense manner, authors John Friel and Linda Friel speak directly to parents and in non-clinical terms and in a conversational manner. Readers can be assured that when they pick-up The 7 Worst Things Parents Do they’ll understand every word written. It will be up to reader to embrace the information and put it to practice for the sake of raising a well adjusted child. 7 Worst Things Parents Do was written especially for parents who believe it all right to live vicariously through their children by forcing their children to participate in beauty pageants and sports. The 7 Worst Things Parents Do was a profound read!
Many parents whose children are out-of-control will recognize themselves in the following.
1) Baby your child
2) Put your marriage last
3) Push your child into too many activities
4) Ignore your emotional or spiritual life
5) Be your child’s best friend
6) Fail to give your child structure
7) Expect your child to fulfill your dreams.
The 7 Worst Things Parents Do is the best parenting book I’ve read to date!
In a no-nonsense manner, authors John Friel and Linda Friel speak directly to parents and in non-clinical terms and in a conversational manner. Readers can be assured that when they pick-up The 7 Worst Things Parents Do they’ll understand every word written. It will be up to reader to embrace the information and put it to practice for the sake of raising a well adjusted child. 7 Worst Things Parents Do was written especially for parents who believe it all right to live vicariously through their children by forcing their children to participate in beauty pageants and sports. The 7 Worst Things Parents Do was a profound read!
November 20, 2020
Tujuh kesalahan TERBESAR yang dimaksud dalam buku ini adalah:
1. Memanjakan anak
2. Mengabaikan perkawinan Anda
3. Memaksakan terlalu banyak kegiatan kepada anak
4. Mengabaikan kehidupan emosional atau spiritual
5. Menjadi sahabat anak
6. Gagal memberi anak pemahaman tentang kontrol diri
7. Mengharapkan anak mewujudkan impian Anda
Tujuh kesalahan di atas dapat menjadi pijakan dalam merenungkan cara yang telah digunakan dalam membesarkan anak.
Di samping itu, buku ini juga memberikan masukan dan pengetahuan lainnya seperti:
- Menyelesaikan luka batin masa kecil
- Mengubah perilaku dimulai dari satu hal kecil yang spesifik dalam jangka waktu lama
- Rintangan-rintangan spiritualitas
- Tidak mengatasi suatu keadaan ekstrem dengan keadaan ekstrem lainnya (alias perlu ada keseimbangan)
- Menjadi sahabat anak tidak berarti baik. Yang benar adalah "bagimu sahabatmu, bagiku sahabatku". Orang tua punya posisi tersendiri, tidak bisa disamakan begitu saja dengan sahabat.
Meski begitu, ada konteks yang sepertinya sangat Amerika Serikat sekali.
Misalnya saja, buku ini berkali-kali mengingatkan akan pentingnya mengeluarkan anak yang sudah berusia 20-an tahun dari rumah. Maksudnya, mereka seharusnya sudah memiliki tempat tinggal sendiri. Saya pernah menanyakan soal ini kepada beberapa teman chat dari AS, yang kebetulan sudah berusia 20-an tahun--malah ada yang lebih--dan masih tinggal bersama orang tuanya. Mereka mengatakan bahwa ini kasus jamak, mengingat biaya hidup yang sangat tinggi.
Lagi pula, budaya tersebut agaknya cenderung merupakan standar Barat. Di belahan dunia lain, lumrah saja apabila anak dewasa masih tinggal serumah bersama orang tuanya. Kakek-nenek, ayah-ibu, anak-cucu, bahkan ada paman atau bibi, semuanya hidup seatap. Keadaan ini masuk akal saja. Di samping terbatasnya lahan untuk membangun pemukiman, co-living memiliki manfaat tersendiri. Paling tidak, kamu memperkecil kemungkinan mati sendirian dan baru diketahui setelah bau mayatmu mengganggu tetangga. (Yang mana, kejadian begini pun sudah jamak terutama di negara-negara maju seperti AS, Jepang, dan Korea Selatan.)
Saya juga merasa bahwa buku ini cenderung ditujukan kepada orang tua yang terlalu memanjakan anak, sehingga menghasilkan generasi snowflake . Membaca penjelasannya di Wikipedia, saya menduga ini fenomena di AS sana. Entah di Indonesia. Saya hanya mendengar dari sana-sini bahwa guru sudah tidak dapat menerapkan hukuman fisik kepada anak didiknya lagi, karena bisa-bisa orang tua menggugat sampai ke meja hijau. Padahal sepertinya pada zaman baheula hukuman begitu lumrah saja?
Selain itu, di bab menjelang akhir, ada kisah keluarga Jamison sebagai contoh sukses dalam mengendalikan perilaku anak. Persoalannya? Anak susah didisiplinkan pada jam tidur. Pasangan Jamison pun menghadap penulis buku ini--psikolog yang memberikan terapi di antaranya untuk keluarga. Ketidakmampuan pasangan ini dalam mendisiplinkan anak rupanya berasal dari problem masa kecil mereka yang belum terpecahkan. Pada malam-malam pertama, mereka berhasil menerapkan disiplin. Namun pada malam berikutnya ada dorongan tak tertahankan untuk melanggarnya. Anak pun kembali membandel. Aaand, first world problem intensifies. Vas literally melayang sampai pecah berkeping-keping, dan si ibu membatin, "Oh, Tuhan, tolonglah kami. Aku tidak tahan lagi. Masalah ini begitu berat." (halaman 160)
Baiklah. Gara-gara nila setitik, rusak susu sebelanga. Gara-gara ketidakcakapan orang tua dalam satu hal saja yang tampaknya sepele, akibatnya bisa fatal terhadap si anak di masa depan. Tapi, perlu tingkat kecerdasan dan kekayaan tertentu untuk dapat mengenali masalah ini serta membayar profesional untuk membantu mengatasinya. Maka kebanyakan orang tua tidak repot-repot melakukan itu, dan membiarkan saja si anak sama-sama menjadi manusia sakit sepanjang sisa hidupnya.
Bagaimanapun juga, buku ini memaklumi bahwa tidak ada orang tua atau keluarga atau anak-anak yang sempurna (halaman 168). Kenyataan ini perlu diingat agar mengurangi tekanan sehingga kehidupan dapat lebih menyenangkan.
Satu hal yang kiranya mesti diterima agar dapat sedikit lebih dewasa adalah bahwa kesalahan pengasuhan itu tidak terhindarkan. Ya, karena tidak ada orang tua/keluarga/anak--manusia--yang sempurna itu tadi. Luka dan cacat yang timbul selama pertumbuhan menjadikan setiap manusia unik, punya kekurangan, kelemahan, dan keburukannya masing-masing, yang menjadi jatah tantangannya, cobaannya, ujiannya, whatever you name it lah.
Marah pada kegoblokan orang tua dan menyalahkan mereka adalah wajar, bagian dari proses, sebelum naik ke tahap berikutnya yaitu menerima kesalahan mereka, memaklumi mereka sebagai manusia biasa, memaafkan mereka, dan akhirnya mengambil tanggung jawab menyembuhkan sendiri luka dan cacat yang telah mereka akibatkan.
Itu baru aspek spiritual. Belum lagi aspek material, seperti menafkahi diri sendiri.
Buku ini dapat bermanfaat bagi orang tua yang anaknya masih kecil. Kalau anaknya sudah telanjur besar dan it's too late, dan orang tua pun sudah terlalu payah untuk menambah beban diri sendiri dengan menelaah kesalahan-kesalahan masa lalunya, yah, si anak mesti baca sendiri buku-buku tentang inner child dan belajar memaafkan orang tua bagaimanapun juga.
1. Memanjakan anak
2. Mengabaikan perkawinan Anda
3. Memaksakan terlalu banyak kegiatan kepada anak
4. Mengabaikan kehidupan emosional atau spiritual
5. Menjadi sahabat anak
6. Gagal memberi anak pemahaman tentang kontrol diri
7. Mengharapkan anak mewujudkan impian Anda
Tujuh kesalahan di atas dapat menjadi pijakan dalam merenungkan cara yang telah digunakan dalam membesarkan anak.
Di samping itu, buku ini juga memberikan masukan dan pengetahuan lainnya seperti:
- Menyelesaikan luka batin masa kecil
- Mengubah perilaku dimulai dari satu hal kecil yang spesifik dalam jangka waktu lama
- Rintangan-rintangan spiritualitas
- Tidak mengatasi suatu keadaan ekstrem dengan keadaan ekstrem lainnya (alias perlu ada keseimbangan)
- Menjadi sahabat anak tidak berarti baik. Yang benar adalah "bagimu sahabatmu, bagiku sahabatku". Orang tua punya posisi tersendiri, tidak bisa disamakan begitu saja dengan sahabat.
Meski begitu, ada konteks yang sepertinya sangat Amerika Serikat sekali.
Misalnya saja, buku ini berkali-kali mengingatkan akan pentingnya mengeluarkan anak yang sudah berusia 20-an tahun dari rumah. Maksudnya, mereka seharusnya sudah memiliki tempat tinggal sendiri. Saya pernah menanyakan soal ini kepada beberapa teman chat dari AS, yang kebetulan sudah berusia 20-an tahun--malah ada yang lebih--dan masih tinggal bersama orang tuanya. Mereka mengatakan bahwa ini kasus jamak, mengingat biaya hidup yang sangat tinggi.
Lagi pula, budaya tersebut agaknya cenderung merupakan standar Barat. Di belahan dunia lain, lumrah saja apabila anak dewasa masih tinggal serumah bersama orang tuanya. Kakek-nenek, ayah-ibu, anak-cucu, bahkan ada paman atau bibi, semuanya hidup seatap. Keadaan ini masuk akal saja. Di samping terbatasnya lahan untuk membangun pemukiman, co-living memiliki manfaat tersendiri. Paling tidak, kamu memperkecil kemungkinan mati sendirian dan baru diketahui setelah bau mayatmu mengganggu tetangga. (Yang mana, kejadian begini pun sudah jamak terutama di negara-negara maju seperti AS, Jepang, dan Korea Selatan.)
Saya juga merasa bahwa buku ini cenderung ditujukan kepada orang tua yang terlalu memanjakan anak, sehingga menghasilkan generasi snowflake . Membaca penjelasannya di Wikipedia, saya menduga ini fenomena di AS sana. Entah di Indonesia. Saya hanya mendengar dari sana-sini bahwa guru sudah tidak dapat menerapkan hukuman fisik kepada anak didiknya lagi, karena bisa-bisa orang tua menggugat sampai ke meja hijau. Padahal sepertinya pada zaman baheula hukuman begitu lumrah saja?
Selain itu, di bab menjelang akhir, ada kisah keluarga Jamison sebagai contoh sukses dalam mengendalikan perilaku anak. Persoalannya? Anak susah didisiplinkan pada jam tidur. Pasangan Jamison pun menghadap penulis buku ini--psikolog yang memberikan terapi di antaranya untuk keluarga. Ketidakmampuan pasangan ini dalam mendisiplinkan anak rupanya berasal dari problem masa kecil mereka yang belum terpecahkan. Pada malam-malam pertama, mereka berhasil menerapkan disiplin. Namun pada malam berikutnya ada dorongan tak tertahankan untuk melanggarnya. Anak pun kembali membandel. Aaand, first world problem intensifies. Vas literally melayang sampai pecah berkeping-keping, dan si ibu membatin, "Oh, Tuhan, tolonglah kami. Aku tidak tahan lagi. Masalah ini begitu berat." (halaman 160)
Baiklah. Gara-gara nila setitik, rusak susu sebelanga. Gara-gara ketidakcakapan orang tua dalam satu hal saja yang tampaknya sepele, akibatnya bisa fatal terhadap si anak di masa depan. Tapi, perlu tingkat kecerdasan dan kekayaan tertentu untuk dapat mengenali masalah ini serta membayar profesional untuk membantu mengatasinya. Maka kebanyakan orang tua tidak repot-repot melakukan itu, dan membiarkan saja si anak sama-sama menjadi manusia sakit sepanjang sisa hidupnya.
Bagaimanapun juga, buku ini memaklumi bahwa tidak ada orang tua atau keluarga atau anak-anak yang sempurna (halaman 168). Kenyataan ini perlu diingat agar mengurangi tekanan sehingga kehidupan dapat lebih menyenangkan.
Satu hal yang kiranya mesti diterima agar dapat sedikit lebih dewasa adalah bahwa kesalahan pengasuhan itu tidak terhindarkan. Ya, karena tidak ada orang tua/keluarga/anak--manusia--yang sempurna itu tadi. Luka dan cacat yang timbul selama pertumbuhan menjadikan setiap manusia unik, punya kekurangan, kelemahan, dan keburukannya masing-masing, yang menjadi jatah tantangannya, cobaannya, ujiannya, whatever you name it lah.
Marah pada kegoblokan orang tua dan menyalahkan mereka adalah wajar, bagian dari proses, sebelum naik ke tahap berikutnya yaitu menerima kesalahan mereka, memaklumi mereka sebagai manusia biasa, memaafkan mereka, dan akhirnya mengambil tanggung jawab menyembuhkan sendiri luka dan cacat yang telah mereka akibatkan.
Itu baru aspek spiritual. Belum lagi aspek material, seperti menafkahi diri sendiri.
Buku ini dapat bermanfaat bagi orang tua yang anaknya masih kecil. Kalau anaknya sudah telanjur besar dan it's too late, dan orang tua pun sudah terlalu payah untuk menambah beban diri sendiri dengan menelaah kesalahan-kesalahan masa lalunya, yah, si anak mesti baca sendiri buku-buku tentang inner child dan belajar memaafkan orang tua bagaimanapun juga.
December 7, 2019
Scurt și la obiect, pentru părinții prea ocupați să citească o mie de tratate care le spun cît de infecți sunt ca părinți.
Citește, aplică și mergi mai departe, crescînd copii sănătoși la cap, fără să înnebunești tu primul.
Citește, aplică și mergi mai departe, crescînd copii sănătoși la cap, fără să înnebunești tu primul.
August 5, 2009
The 7 Worst Things Good Parents Do is one of the best, thorough, concise, and inspirational books on the subject of parenting I've ever read, hands down! Since it is an easy read, with specific points, and examples of clients, the knowledge that it imparts makes it a MUST read for everyone. Even if you think that your childhood was perfect or if you think that you have a handle on your own parenting skills, this book will give you insight that is helpful. I've read the textbook-type book called Emotional Intelligence; Why It's More Important than IQ and this little book sums up that importance in an easy to understand read.
If you want to get parenting RIGHT and don't want to make 'blind' mistakes or feel frustrated with circumstances as they are...you will want to give this book your time. There were skills presented in this book that transcended generations from those who are not parents, those who have young children, and those who have grown children, as well as those who have grandchildren. Cross-generational wisdom that should be share throughout all families. Whether you've thought that you had a great childhood or a bad one, whether you've done a pretty good job with your children or you haven't, we all have interassociations with those that haven't had the same.
I'm talking about tools that can stop generations of dysfunction, abuse, or confussion. Sometimes we can do everything possible to help our children not experience what we experienced as children. What happens is the pendulim swings to the exact opposite and we wind up with the same kinds of problems that we were trying to avoid. This book brings BALANCE and clearly details things that we can do, no matter what 'stage' of parenting or inter-relationships we are in.
Believe it or not, we all carry some of our past with us and it affects the way we respond and see the world. It's these 'colored' views that affects generation after generation. Children as well as parents do much better with clear structure and balance. It is this balance that allows every individual to learn how to become functional and contributing adults. Without this balance, something tips the scales and we wind up on the other side...just as dysfunctional as the part we were trying to no 'repeat' in this generation.
I learned a ton from this book and wish that I had it 30 years ago!!!!!
I will be sharing this with my children in hopes that they can learn and grow. We all need to learn and grow, I learn something new every day. It is my wish and prayer that my grandchildren won't become yet another statistic of a mis-balanced society. There is no 'manual' that comes with new-born babies and so we try to do our best...but sometimes it is better to learn some 'skills' that will help make the world a better place. This book will give you some insight that you may never learn otherwise.
Pick this little book up...read it...learn...and SHARE it with your family. They will love you for it. You will all receive some healing from this book...I'm POSSITIVE of that!
Blessings to you and good luck!
If you want to get parenting RIGHT and don't want to make 'blind' mistakes or feel frustrated with circumstances as they are...you will want to give this book your time. There were skills presented in this book that transcended generations from those who are not parents, those who have young children, and those who have grown children, as well as those who have grandchildren. Cross-generational wisdom that should be share throughout all families. Whether you've thought that you had a great childhood or a bad one, whether you've done a pretty good job with your children or you haven't, we all have interassociations with those that haven't had the same.
I'm talking about tools that can stop generations of dysfunction, abuse, or confussion. Sometimes we can do everything possible to help our children not experience what we experienced as children. What happens is the pendulim swings to the exact opposite and we wind up with the same kinds of problems that we were trying to avoid. This book brings BALANCE and clearly details things that we can do, no matter what 'stage' of parenting or inter-relationships we are in.
Believe it or not, we all carry some of our past with us and it affects the way we respond and see the world. It's these 'colored' views that affects generation after generation. Children as well as parents do much better with clear structure and balance. It is this balance that allows every individual to learn how to become functional and contributing adults. Without this balance, something tips the scales and we wind up on the other side...just as dysfunctional as the part we were trying to no 'repeat' in this generation.
I learned a ton from this book and wish that I had it 30 years ago!!!!!
I will be sharing this with my children in hopes that they can learn and grow. We all need to learn and grow, I learn something new every day. It is my wish and prayer that my grandchildren won't become yet another statistic of a mis-balanced society. There is no 'manual' that comes with new-born babies and so we try to do our best...but sometimes it is better to learn some 'skills' that will help make the world a better place. This book will give you some insight that you may never learn otherwise.
Pick this little book up...read it...learn...and SHARE it with your family. They will love you for it. You will all receive some healing from this book...I'm POSSITIVE of that!
Blessings to you and good luck!
June 14, 2015
There are some helpful tidbits and advice in this book. Some topics covered were more "common sense" for me, but overall I found it to be a helpful guide to ensure I was "on the right track." Here's the table of contents:
Part 1: Get Ready
1. The Seven Worst Thing Parents Do
2. The Rules of the Game
Part 2: The Seven
3. Baby Your Child
4. Put Your Marriage Last
5. Push Your Child into Too Many Activities
6. Ignore Your Emotionally or Spiritual Life
7. Be Your Child's Best Friend
8. Fail to Give Your Child Structure
9. Expect Your child to Fulfill YOUR Dreams
Part 3: Go for it
10. If Rats can do it, so can you
11. The Bet Things About Parents Who Choose to Grow: A Typical Success Story
12. Some Final Parenting Pointers
Found this book to be nicely laid out and the information is not all crammed together (I hate that).
Part 1: Get Ready
1. The Seven Worst Thing Parents Do
2. The Rules of the Game
Part 2: The Seven
3. Baby Your Child
4. Put Your Marriage Last
5. Push Your Child into Too Many Activities
6. Ignore Your Emotionally or Spiritual Life
7. Be Your Child's Best Friend
8. Fail to Give Your Child Structure
9. Expect Your child to Fulfill YOUR Dreams
Part 3: Go for it
10. If Rats can do it, so can you
11. The Bet Things About Parents Who Choose to Grow: A Typical Success Story
12. Some Final Parenting Pointers
Found this book to be nicely laid out and the information is not all crammed together (I hate that).
November 13, 2008
I thought the 7 things listed in the book were correct and good principles to go by. Two ideas I did take from the book were to (1) never deviate once you set a rule (BF Skinner study) and (2) to only work on modifying one behavior at a time.
But the book was written to encompass parents of children from infant-aged to adult-child-living-at-home, and so a lot of the examples were so generalized that it was hard to get any specific advice out of it that was relevant to me, or any one else for that matter.
But the book was written to encompass parents of children from infant-aged to adult-child-living-at-home, and so a lot of the examples were so generalized that it was hard to get any specific advice out of it that was relevant to me, or any one else for that matter.
May 19, 2008
I was reading this book because I practically live with my older sister and her two kids. I have been with my nephews for so long I became like a second mother to them. I wanted to know how I can understand a child's rebellious behavior and see what I can do to improve my nephews' out of control behavior. I recommend this book to those who want to find answers in solving problems with younger siblings, etc.
March 14, 2013
This is a good read! I know I am guilty of some of the worst things while raising my children. Working on not doing those things with my grand children! It is am eye opener for those actively raising children!
March 1, 2014
Key points:
1. Baby your child
2. Put your marriage last
3. Push your child into too many activities
4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual side
5. Be your child's best friend
6. Fail to give your child structure
7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams
1. Baby your child
2. Put your marriage last
3. Push your child into too many activities
4. Ignore your emotional or spiritual side
5. Be your child's best friend
6. Fail to give your child structure
7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams
April 23, 2008
My all time favorite, easy to read, parent book. I would love to give every parent I know this book b/c it is so true.
September 3, 2008
I found this book at my mom's house....Safe to say she probably never read it...ahhaa...or maybe she did, cuz it really wasnt that great. I cant even remember what the 7 worst things were....
December 12, 2010
"The opposite of dysfunctional is dysfunctional."
Currently reading
August 26, 2010picked it up at a garage sale, good so far...
started-and-never-finished
November 6, 2011A lot of this reminds me of Dr. Phil to be honest.
August 6, 2012
It's a very GOOD book. And quite applicative. I'm not a parent, but I find their theories can be applied in the classrooms and to deal with kids in general.
A must read EDUCATION book.
A must read EDUCATION book.
November 18, 2012
must read .. for parents
July 2, 2013
Was looking for ways to improve on parenting but this book is geared for children who are highly challenging so not really a fit but still was an interesting read.
April 6, 2016
Have kids and want to be the best parent you can? An easy read that may be either reassuring or enlightening.
May 1, 2016
I got the sense that it is aimed primarily towards American readers.
Personally, I found it a complete waste of time.
Personally, I found it a complete waste of time.
June 13, 2016
Very insightful.
September 22, 2013
Many helpful parenting tips!
Displaying 1 - 22 of 22 reviews