This book lured me in with a promise of a mystery-thriller plotline. Unfortunately, it was not as exciting or suspenseful as it first seemed. I may have just dnf'ed this book about 20% through, but as it's my policy to always finish a book unless I physically want to strangle myself after picking it up each time, I had to finish You have Seven Messages to see how it ended.
But as I went along there are three major themes that made me sigh with agony every time they came up:
#1: The Romance
I simply detest this romance:
I was wondering how a teen romance could be so utterly painful until I saw that a male author wrote his. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all male authors are terrible at writing romance, but this one makes the heroine sound so shallow, melodramatic, and such a full-on stereotypical girl. The romance was so under-developed and unbelievable, and none of their interactions were believable.
-Example A:
After Luna came over to Oliver's house for the first time, when Luna was about to leave, Oliver brought up her mother. The conversation went like this:
"'Sometimes I wished [your mom] was mine.' He looks so vulnerable. I cannot believe I do this, but I walk up to him and say, 'If she was, then we'd be brother and sister, and that would mean I couldn't kiss you.' This time he blushes. (No shit, anyone would). Instead of kissing him (why would you, you barely know him!), I touch part of his curls, and they are softer than I imagined.'"
You fucking weirdo. Dammit, Luna! Get your hormones under control!
-Example B:
Luna's father got her an old-fashioned camera for her birthday. Luna's natural reaction was to thank her father, run up to her room with the camera, wait twenty minutes staring at Oliver's window to take a picture of him. She then proceeds to send the picture to Oliver and shockingly, he reacts to this like it was a normal thing to be receiving pictures of himself he never granted permission to be taken! (I don't think crushes go this far)
-Example C:
This is not a genuine relationship.
Oliver: I'm telling such a traumatizing story that might just make me cry, and I'm showing So. Much. Vulnerability right now. My Dad and I were at a pool party once. When I didn't go into the water like my Dad ordered me to, he ended up throwing my poor 5 year old self into the water:
Luna: "HA!" *serious face* *touches Oliver's shoulder comfortingly* "I'm sorry..."
Also, let me just say, Luna makes some very strange connections from her daily life to...other things. I semi-understand what she's saying here: "There's a feeling that I get with him that almost hurts, a small ache in the bottom of my stomach, but at the same time I crave it." But then she goes on to make this weird-ass connection between love and pain. She says "Maybe that's what the cutters are about, or Janine's dad, who she once caught getting whipped by a woman who looked like Halle Berry in Batman. I never understood the appeal of pain, but now I'm starting to." Noooooooo! No. You don't understand at all. What are you doing trying to understand people who like pain?! Cutting and getting whipped? That's not--first of all I don't remotely understand why that's in this book--anything to do with love. Sit back down, Luna! You don't know what the hell you're talking about.
Later she claims that after knowing Oliver for what? A week or two? She luuuuurvs him. After Oliver says he wouldn't be able to see her for a while, Luna sees her happy brother, and calls him "Oblivious to the fact that I may have lost the only boy I've ever loved." He's just busy, not getting shipped off to war. Once again, Luna does not understand love at all.
#2: Luna. As a Character
Exhibit A:
Luna's self-consciousness: No true heroine should care about these things so deeply!
When Luna sees Oliver up close instead of staring at him from afar, she immediately starts assessing what she looks like. She criticizes herself: her outfit doesn't match, her shoes expose her giant feet, etc. Seeing this guy who has only said 10 words to her in about 7 years, she starts fawning: "His eyelashes are overgrown and his lips are violet. The fluorescent light makes a thin halo around his curls". I fucking hate that halo cliché. Tbh, I don't appreciate how shallow she is being. Later, the plot thickens! "Some window cleaners whistle at me, and I realize for the first time that though they definitely aren't as big as Janine's, I have noticeable breasts." Yeah because a) girls just spontaneously realize that they have developed "noticeable breasts" out of nowhere and b)girls sit around comparing sizes. Just... *facepalm* why such a random comment? Who cares? It doesn't add anything to the plot. Even at the end, she realizes: "My shoes don't really go with the dress I have on, but who's perfect." *Applause and cheering* BRAVO! How insightful you are, Luna, for realizing that when the shoes don't match the outfit, the world isn't going to end! I'm so proud of how much you've grown as a character. IT ONLY TOOK YOU 262 PAGES AND HOURS UPON HOURS OF MY LIFE.
Exhibit B:
Why the hate? Luna calls a drag queen a "he/she" and Oliver tauntingly says "I've always had a soft spot for transvestites." when Luna claims the one that they talked to liked Oliver. And then they move on to making fun of gays. Apparently agents="gay-gents" in their world. Oh HARHARHAR I SEE WHAT YOU GUYS DID THERE. OMFG YOU'RE SO CLEVER, YOU TWO. And these exchanges happen with such blasé (and no censure). From here, our hopeless heroine reverts to--surprise, surprise-- saying "Oliver's eyes are pools of warmth, and his hair is so perfect I could cry." *sigh* But wait, Oliver has to tell his heroically heroic story of this one time he saved a boy that was being called a fag because he wore his scarf the French way. Yeah Oliver, you sure taught those kids a lesson by telling them to "stop", and that you were gay too. You showed them! Sure, you stood up for that other kid, but you did nothing to rectify their stupid belief that being different equals gayness. Whoo! You too, Luna, great job in telling Oliver "Good for you." as if he should be a decorated hero for little reason.
Bonus Round: Stupid Quotes Brought to You by Luna
Luna later says she's mad at herself for "not being smart enough to see it all coming". Yes, it's all your fault you didn't foresee "[your] mom leaving the world, [your] dad lying to [you], and the Rachels' thinking they were so cool". I think the only thing worse than blaming the universe for it all is blaming yourself.
Luna: "I feel like I am what love songs are made of." What does this even mean? Luna, I simply don't understand the words coming out of your mouth!
Luna: "'Wow.' There I go again. Surfer talk."
I'm pretty sure you don't speak like a surfer, Luna. Basically, what you're telling me is that whenever I say "wow" I'll be mistaken by everyone as a surfer. I'm pretty positive every human being on Earth uses some form of the word "wow". It's not exclusive terminology invented explicitly by and for surfers.
Note: Luna is soooo dark sometimes. O_o Sometimes...things just take the turn for incredibly weird:
"On the way downtown, Oliver holds my hand on the subway. I secretly wish the Rachels could see me now. The train lights go off for a minute and Oliver kisses me again, and I hear myself moan with pleasure (-_-). I remember Rachel One bringing a porno DVD she had stolen from her brother into school and we watched some of it on her laptop. There was an Asian girl on top of a chubby white guy, and she was almost singing, obviously faking it. I feel like I could do that right now, and wonder if the girl wasn't. I look at Oliver after the lights go back on. He's probably never seen porno. Suddenly I want him to be mine to corrupt, forever."
Now that... those are some dark thoughts she's having. Weird-ass-porno-watching-boy-corrupting psycho.
P.S. Just look at that quote above, and you'll see perfectly just what a crappy writing style this book has.
#3: All the Little Things
• It's such B.S how clueless Luna was until she found that phone. Later, she remembers all of these unbelievably out of place memories: her mother crying hysterically on the bathroom floor, her father crying and saying we'll love you no matter what, her mother talking in a "honeyed tone" to someone on the phone while in the bath, her parents, distraught, facing away from each other on opposite sides of the bed. She even heard two relatives talk about "what killed her". But excuse me. Luna just "forgot" all about this because "it was such a traumatic time". Traumatic time my ass! Anyone with half a brain would put two and two together and investigate all of this suspicious business before that phone was even found! Even with all of this evidence, Luna is just utterly shocked when it could be possible that her mother was cheating or that her death wasn't all that it seemed.
• I also find this a ridiculous interpretation of life in New York City. A fifteen year old girl would not just walk out of her apartment, grab a cab from Manhattan to Brooklyn, and walk into a random man's house just because he left a message on her mother's phone! If she did do this, this would be the stupidest, most thoroughly under-prepared and uneducated girl in the city! I lived in NYC, and it is not this safe, happy-go-lucky, "do whatever you want to" type of place, as is described. What Luna's doing? IT'S EXTREMELY DANGEROUS BUSINESS. To add onto this, she travels from Italy to Paris all by herself for the sake of a boy, and her father laughs it off when she tells him days later.
• How shallow and back-stabbing girls are portrayed in this story! Apparently after her mother died, Luna wasn't reacting appropriately in the eyes of her "best friends", Rachel and Rachel. So, in this shallow-high-school-girl world, this merits the dumping of that friend with the oh-so-daunting "unfriended" notice on Facebook. These girls are so cliché with their makeup and constant dating and backstabbing *EYE ROLL*. What the actual fuck!? But what makes her "untouchable" by these girls' opinions? Being kissed by dreeeeamy Oliver. And, Luna, what did you say at the beginning of the book? That you weren't like the Rachels. That you didn't care for constantly worrying about boys. Bullshit. You spend every two minutes thinking about Oliver. What does he think about me? Oh my god, he's so much like me! I wonder when we're going to kiss. Oliver looks so vulnerable right now. Look at how the sun dances in his eyes and his perfect hair flows in the gentle breeze, illuminated like a halo by the light of dawn *cue chorus of angels*. Omigosh! Oliver is a god according to this girl.
• These rich bastards. Long taxi rides, limos on call, housekeepers, studios, photography exhibitions, trips to Itlay and Paris planned within the hour, recliners on rooftops and building-side movie projections (that one is particularly extravagent for a 16-year old to pull off, I might add)! When Oliver set up that rooftop movie screening Luna "feels like the luckiest girl on the Upper East Side." At this point, Luna, I think you are.... I really think you are. Once they're done with the movie, "There it is again: his violet lips, soft as a cloud..." How would I react according to this description? Ummmmm Oliver, your lips are purple and oh my gosh they're so squishy.... I think we should go to the hospital and get that checked out.
Funny how I think about this instead of actually feeling a connection when they kiss. At this point, I would get more entertainment out of Oliver bitch-slapping Luna for being such a creep. Actually-- maybe that will knock some sense into her so that she can act like a properly functioning human being!
All in all, You have Seven Messages was just barely entertaining. Heck, now that I think about it, the plot could have earned 4 stars had the romance been more realistic and Luna been more of an inspirational character. But at this point, the only thing that made it 2 stars instead of 1 was that the romance was cut out for a good amount of time (when Oliver had to stay away for a while). In conclusion, I won't be re-reading this anytime soon.