Lęk przed opuszczeniem. Jak go przezwyciężyć i zbudować zdrowy związek oparty na bliskości i zaufaniu

by Michelle Skeen, Sylwia Pikiel (Translator)

Everyone thrives on love, comfort, and the safety of family, friends, and community. But if you are denied these basic comforts early in life, whether through a lack of physical affection or emotional bonding, you may develop intense fears of abandonment that can last well into adulthood--fears so powerful that they can actually cause you to push people away. If you suffer from fears of abandonment, you may have underlying feelings of anger, shame, fear, anxiety, depression, and grief. These emotions are intense and painful, and when they surface they can lead to a number of negative behaviors, such as jealousy, clinging, and emotional blackmail. In Love Me, Don't Leave Me, therapist Michelle Skeen combines acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), schema therapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to help you identify the root of your fears. In this book you'll learn how schema coping behaviors--deeply entrenched and automatic behaviors rooted in childhood experiences and fears--can take over and cause you to inadvertently sabotage your relationships. By recognizing these coping behaviors and understanding their cause, you will not only gain powerful insights into your own mind, but also into the minds of those around you.

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Personal Development, Audiobook

171 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Michelle Skeen, PsyD, has a doctorate in clinical psychology. She is author of seven books, all designed to enhance relationships by emphasizing the importance of identifying core values and valued intentions, limited thinking, mindfulness, self-compassion, empathy, and effective communication and conflict resolution skills. Her passion is coaching individuals in creating and maintaining healthy relationships by bringing awareness to obstacles (fears and beliefs), which often work unconsciously to limit connections with others. Michelle believes that an early introduction and education in core values and healthy communication are essential life skills for success. To that end, Michelle and her daughter, Kelly, coauthored Communication Skills for Teens and Just As You Are.

Skeen completed her postdoctoral work at the University of California, San Francisco. She codeveloped an empirically validated protocol for the treatment of interpersonal problems that resulted in two books: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for Interpersonal Problems and The Interpersonal Problems Workbook. Michelle’s work has appeared in more than thirty publications around the world. She hosts a weekly radio show called Relationships 2.0 with Dr. Michelle Skeen that airs nationally. To find out more, visit her website at www.michelleskeen.com.

Source: https://www.newharbinger.com/author/m...

Reviews

[Mihail · Rating 2 out of 5]

Disappointed - a rehash of material from other self-help and therapy books based on ACT, DBT, CFT and Schema Therapy. Brings nothing new, original or worthwhile to the table.

Having said that, it might still be useful to you, if you're not acquainted with the abovementioned therapeutic approaches.

Otherwise, imho, you'd better skip it and look somewhere else.

[Mischenko · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderfully written, Michelle Skeen shows not just what we do to hurt our relationships, but what we can do to stop sabotaging relationships due to core beliefs from the past (childhood and beyond.) You may never lose the fear of abandonment or mistrust and negative emotions, but you can help yourself to not fall back into that way of thinking everytime a trigger sets you off. It's a lifelong battle, but the book helps us to stop and be "mindful." We can react in a more positive way and not allow our emotions to take over. It's wonderful. A series of assessments help to let you know why you're feeling pain and reacting negatively in relationships, possibility pushing others away, and how to stop. I highly recommend it for anyone who has issues with abandonment, failure, mistrust, abuse, and deprivation. Five stars!

[Kumari de Silva · Rating 1 out of 5]

Disappointed. Very repetitive. As a stand alone book, not super helpful. Reads as if it is a teaser to get me to sign up for working with her, buying additional products from her. Spends far too much page space diagnosing. (Well I suppose we wouldn't have bought the book if we didn't already know we have some fears - sheesh). Writing style felt patronizing. Many of the "tips" and tools aren't reasonable. People don't pop out of nowhere with fear of abandonment. It's born out of having no infrastructure growing up. That's what the common advice "Call a friend if yer feelin' sad!" is so unhelpful to the average overwhelmed person. Book seems to avoid the notion that some people really are abandoned by parents, siblings, employers, children and partners.

[Diana Banner · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you've ever struggled with building strong and healthy relationships despite fears, anxieties and roadblocks from your past, you must read Love Me Don't Leave Me. The main focus of this book is for people with a fear of abandonment, but it also goes in depth with other common anxieties that hinder relationships. I couldn't turn the pages of this book fast enough. Author Michelle Skeen, PsyD writes in a voice that at once makes you feel comfortable and understood . She introduces the reader to her content in a way that is never boring or judgmental. In this book, Skeen explores the idea of core beliefs: how and when they are formed, emotions and reactions they cause, and the affects they have on relationships. She then guides the reader through ways to recognize when you are reacting to a core belief, how to cope with the emotions and thoughts that result from your core beliefs, the consequences of unhelpful reactions based on core beliefs, and then introduces practical and attainable strategies for changing those actions. What I love about this book is the depth of understanding I walked away with, and the knowledge that everyone can experience relief from the anxieties and fears and that relationships don't have to be sabotaged because of them. Those of you who have read this book, what did you think?

[Don · Rating 5 out of 5]

A schema therapy self-help book. The focus is on those with an abandonment schema — that is, those who feel anxious in relationships, always worried that their partner is going to leave them — but it's a helpful guide to overcoming any schema. The author's approach is to join the insights of schema therapy with some techniques from acceptance and commitment therapy and dialectical behavior therapy. I would recommend it to someone new to schema therapy as well as someone like me who knows a lot about this orientation but still needs some encouragment to grow healthier.

[Marina · Rating 2 out of 5]

The idea behind the book is not bad, in fact it's really good, but I didn't like how it was developed. There are tons of repetitions in this book, which seem just a way to make the book longer - something quite astounding if one considers that the book is 180 pages long. I mean, 90 pages would have been perfect for such a book (or booklet), but here we just keep reading about the same ideas. Moreover, I found it a bit devaluing of possible significant others at times - like when it says the unstable person isn't a good match for anyone. Really? I thought they were people with problems who needed affection and caring just like anyone else.
However, it has some good ideas.

[Saber · Rating 3 out of 5]

شناخت الگوهای تکرار شونده زندگی از طریق آشنایی با باورهای مرکزی.
کشف ریشه رفتارها و نوع عملکرد و کلا خودشناسی از جذاب ترین کارهای دنیا است

فصل سوم این کتاب هسته اصلی و مهمترین نکات کتابه. و دیگه فصل های آخر برام تکراری و خسته کننده بود. در کل به افرادی که دنبال شناخت بیشتر خودشون و بهبود روابط شون هستند پیشنهاد می کنم

[Heather W · Rating 1 out of 5]

I don’t rate books but this was not enjoyable, informative or helpful lol

[Adriana · Rating 4 out of 5]

A lot to digest and a bunch of useful information that clarified my story a little bit is contained in this book. I read it because I'm very into knowing and understanding myself, which has been a very difficult thing throughout my life. "Love me, Don't leave me" brought to my awareness many of my behavior patterns and helped me understand plenty of the irrational things I do at times. I liked it very much!

[Autumn Stewart · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a tad more geared toward romantic relationships, but I read it more so for my friendships. It was perfect for my situation and struggles. I highly recommend if you have a struggle with rejection from friends or fear losing people. It was short and sweet and gave you active tools to help you fight against this fear. It’s not perfect as I am a bit of a skeptic of self-help books and would want to fact check some things said in here, but this book was written 100% for me and for that I give it 5 stars.

[Jerry · Rating 4 out of 5]

The book helped me a lot figuring out what my triggers are as well as the types of my behavioural reactions which helped me find the best possible ways to try to control myself when triggered and focus on the positive aspects of life. It lacks more useful exercises though as most of the examples in the book are mainly the journal type and that didn't help me much in some situations. Overall I found the book helpful in many aspects.

[Bookfen · Rating 5 out of 5]

برای آن‌هایی که دارای طرح‌واره رهاشدگی هستند، بهترین کتاب و کمک هست.

[Elfik Book · Rating 4 out of 5]

Każdy z nas jest w jakiś sposób jest w relacji z innymi ludźmi. Relacje te mogą być najróżniejsze, jednak dzisiaj skupiłabym się na tych bardziej romantycznych. Duża część z nas w swoim życiu przeżyła wielkie miłości i rozczarowania. Wydawałoby się, że przeczytaną przeze mnie książkę dedykuję osobom wyłącznie po przejściach, lecz w rzeczywistości myślę, że każdy z nas powinien mieć pewne zaplecze zasobów pozwalających poradzić sobie z przeszłością, różnymi schematami z dzieciństwa, by mieć poczucie własnej wartości oraz w momencie gdy decydujemy się na związek lub jego podtrzymywanie, nasza relacja była zdrowa, satysfakcjonująca i przepełniona miłością.

A piszę to wszystko, ponieważ dzisiaj chciałabym się z Wami podzielić moimi wrażeniami z lektury książki "Lęk przed opuszczeniem". Gdy przeczytałam tytuł, to w pierwszej chwili odniosłam to do dzieciństwa i rozłąki z matką, opiekunem czy nazywając psychologicznie obiektem. Źle nakierowałam swoje skojarzenie, ponieważ tutaj mowa o związkach osób dorosłych, lecz mimo to w pewnym sensie pierwsza myśl miała trochę racji, ponieważ to, co wynosimy z dzieciństwa, ma znaczenie. Niekoniecznie determinuje całe nasze życie, ale może nas prowadzić utartymi, błędnymi ścieżkami. Czy ta książka temu zapobiegnie? Oczywiście, że nie, ale może pomóc dostrzec pewne schematy i ułatwić nam wchodzenie w relację.

Ogólnie mam subiektywne poczucie, że o zdrowych relacjach i tym, co idzie za tymi toksycznymi mówi się w naszym społeczeństwie wyjątkowo rzadko. W swojej bańce informacyjnej nie odnalazłam takich elementów i tak naprawdę wiele aspektów, gdy czytałam, zadziwiło mnie. Z tego względu pojawiło się we mnie przekonanie, że dążenie do wiedzy oraz właśnie tworzenie własnych zasobów okazuje się niezmiernie istotne.

"Lęk przed opuszczeniem" jest napisany w przyjemny sposób, ponieważ jest prosty w odbiorze oraz momentami wciągający. Trochę tak jak jakaś powieść fabularna. Niesamowicie to doceniam, gdyż ten aspekt pozwala dotrzeć do większego grona odbiorców. Osoba niespecjalizująca się w psychologii nie musi nakładać kolejnej energii, by coś z niej wyciągnąć i mieć poczucie spełnienia czytelniczego. Oczywiście pojawia się typowo psychologiczne słownictwo, niemniej wszystko jest w sposób przystępny wyjaśnione, więc mam nadzieję, że dla większości czytelników nie okaże się trudnością. Poza tym z całości wybrzmiewa zrozumienie i akceptacja, które podczas czytania koją i zachęcają do dalszej eksploracji.

Książka opiera się na terapii schematów, o której osobiście wiem dość mało, jednak na podstawie posiadanej wiedzy szanuję to, co sobą reprezentuje. W całości jest poruszone wiele ważnych kwestii. Nie ma nic pominiętego. Zarazem znajdują się konkrety i bardzo konkretne przypadki. Pozwalają one przedstawić najróżniejsze sytuacje i na podstawie nich odnieść się do przedstawionych treści, a być może do wspomnień samego czytelnika. Tym bardziej że poza teorią i przypadkami w pozycji pojawiają się najróżniejsze ćwiczenia i narzędzia pozwalające na pracę nad samym sobą. Istnienie samych w sobie ćwiczeń nie da przewidzianych rezultatów, ale zaangażowanie czytelnika połączone ze zdobytą wiedzą daje już możliwość przepracowania samodzielnie pewnych rzeczy oraz też podjęcia decyzji, czy należy iść na terapię.

Miałam też poczucie rzetelności, gdyż parę wymienionych nazwisk było mi znanych lub kojarzyłam je. Na końcu znajduje się bibliografia. Osobiście z niej nie skorzystałam, ale zawsze to takie mrugnięcie oczkiem potwierdzające, że nie jest to wymyślona bajka oraz bibliografia daje możliwość poszerzenia pewnych kwestii, sprawdzenia samemu. Dlatego to bardzo cenię.

"Lęk prze opuszczeniem" okazał się dla mnie niezmiernie ważną lekturą, ponieważ ukazał mi pewne braki oraz ogólną problematykę mówienia o swoich obawach oraz postępowania według pewnych nieprzystosowawczych norm. Każda osoba, która zmaga się z trudnościami, dosłownie lękiem przed opuszczeniem lub trudnościami w związku, powinna ją przeczytać, by też ujrzeć pewne aspekty samego siebie w innym świetle.

[Justmyfantasyworld · Rating 3 out of 5]

• 𝑩𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝑹𝒆𝒗𝒊𝒆𝒘 •

𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴: ☆☆☆ 3.5/5

This book was not what I was expecting since it is a very hands on kind of book and I was looking more for something only informative to listen to. This book gives you tasks and it requires you to journal to get the most out of it. That said, I listened to it on audio and even without journalling I gained some new insights.

A lot of my reviews are also available with photo at my Bookstagram: @justmyfantasyworld

[Corey Burton · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very informative and helpful to learn what triggers and lived experiences shape the person that you are now! I found that my “keeping it all in front” and “moving at my pace,” are both therapeutic techniques so that you can have the time to assign the experience and accompanying emotion to lived experiences that if unchecked can color your current experience.

Great read for sure!!

[Ozlem · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good summary of schema therapy, act self-compassion and dbt with respect to relationships

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was abandoned as a child, and all I got were these lousy coping mechanisms 🤗

[Anna H · Rating 3 out of 5]

listen I'm just trying to heal my abandonment wound

[Megan French · Rating 5 out of 5]

I actually found a lot of things in this book really helpful. One thing I loved is actually really small, but huge for me. She acknowledged that abandonment issues stem from childhood yes, but can also stem from adolescence and peer relationships which was incredibly validating for me as I don’t often hear that. I was able to see myself in this book so much and gained a few coping skills and knowledge to add to my tool box!

[Jimmi Cui · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very, very helpful:-)

[Ali Diaz-Tello · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really good book on schemas

[Marina · Rating 1 out of 5]

I am sorry, but this is probably one of the worst book I have probably read... The solution to all your problems is: meditation! or something like that.. and if you haven't heard about MINDFULNESS yet (where have you been the last few years=), let me explain what that great concept is ... seriously, if you have already read a little something about attachment theory, self-awareness, and mindfulness, you can totally skip this book. I don't think it is helpful at all, it is very superficial, does not go into depth, does not really talk about variety, shows a lot of cheesy examples that are repetitive, oh and the entire book is basically a repetition, with constant anouncement what is yet to come and will be talked about later on, just to fill the book.
Issues in current relationships, whether it's a romantic one or simply friendship and/or work, can not entirely be explained through your childhood, I don't believe that at all. But this book is all about that, plus some issues you might generally have (fear of failure etc.).

[Emily · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a recommended book, not a choice for myself. I think it's more other things going on in my life than this book itself, but I found it really frustrating that in the first chapters it's a lot of assessment tests to label all the issues with you. And the worst part, is all of them end with "if you rated any of these as a 5 or 6, this is an issue for you, regardless of the overall score". It was sort of like it was trying to make you feel like you have all these problems. I definitely don't recommend this for someone who has anxiety, because it was definitely a lot of "everything is wrong" in the beginning.

It did get better toward the end. The discussions of how different issues from childhood impact your adult life and relationships caused me to reflect on the kinds of people I date and why that might be and why it hasn't been working for me.

Overall- meh. Make sure you're in a pretty good head space when you start this book.

[Ella Horne · Rating 1 out of 5]

So was it like written for teenagers or…?

I should probably preface this by saying that I read this for writing research; I don’t have abandonment issues.

This must be the most shallow and uninteresting thing I’ve ever read. I’ve worked through abandonment issues (amongst a host of other things I accumulated) and this book would have been helpful for 19-year-old me. However, I’d be willing to bet that most people will have developed an intuitive sense of the information in this book by age 21–certainly by age 25.

If you’re in your 30s and this book is somehow new information you you, get therapy yesterday. I don’t even mean that in a condescending way. This book is so basic that if it actually helps you, exploring this information with a therapist will be EXTREMELY beneficial. It will be more beneficial than reading shallow personal development books like this one, I promise.

[Ricardo Migueis · Rating 3 out of 5]

In my pursuit of searching for different angles to research what I consider one of the less understood and most overlooked concepts of our days, left to hidden and mostly unknown to the large public, that at the intersection of arrogance, moral superiority and finding one self, especially in the current social construct, the abstract of this book seemed a reasonable motivation to read. It is a useful manul of some psychological practices, but adds little beyond reasonable must have common sensd. Might be useful for someone, for me it a rather disappointing.

[Terrence Kelleman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is not a theoretical analysis but a guidebook or manual if you will to overcoming the underlying fears and triggers that tend to change our perception of ourself and all of our interactions in life. Revealing these core beliefs with easy questions that help you identify the core fears active in yourself this helps you see and name your fears which is the first step in diminishing them though awareness and journaling. I really loved this book.

[Aryelle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book, it showed me that a big part of our thoughts are in our head and we don’t need to acknowledge them all the time. None of us is immune to negative thoughts, but it’s what you do once they enter your mind. This book promotes a lot of mindfulness and basically coaching yourself out of these negative patterns. This is definitely not just a one time read, would definitely recommend

[Ying Ying · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book feels like talking to your favorite psychiatrist. Michelle helps you identify your problem, which event might trigger the problem and how to handle your behavior.
There are plenty of exercises in the book as well as several examples that can serve as a good basis for your own reflection. The author strongly encourages us to keep a journal and practice mindfulness.

[Kate]

"Everyone thrives on love, comfort, and the safety of family, friends, and community. But if you are denied these basic comforts early in life, whether through a lack of physical affection or emotional bonding, you may develop intense fears of abandonment that can last well into adulthood―fears so powerful that they can actually cause you to push people away. If you suffer from fears of abandonment, you may have underlying feelings of anger, shame, fear, anxiety, depression, and grief. These emotions are intense and painful, and when they surface they can lead to a number of negative behaviors, such as jealousy, clinging, and emotional blackmail. In Love Me, Don’t Leave Me , therapist Michelle Skeen combines acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), schema therapy, and dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) to help you identify the root of your fears. In this book you’ll learn how schema coping behaviors―deeply entrenched and automatic behaviors rooted in childhood experiences and fears―can take over and cause you to inadvertently sabotage your relationships. By recognizing these coping behaviors and understanding their cause, you will not only gain powerful insights into your own mind, but also into the minds of those around you. If you are ready to break the self-fulfilling cycle of mistrust, clinginess, and heartbreak and start building lasting, trusting relationships, this book will be your guide."
~~back cover

I acquired this book in 2015 but somehow in the ensuing 10 years it no lopnger appealed to me.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

When you read this be ready to understand yourself and assess your core beliefs. For me I have experience that triggers my abandonment core belief that sometimes I tend to withdraw from the people especially if they were not able to reply immediately. There are a lot of thoughts coming into my head when that happens, I think this is because I have experience this from my past relationship that I wasn't able to be replied. It hurts whenever someone does that to me and my thoughts were they don't love me anymore or they have someone interesting. And what I hate about it is I withdraw from that person. Reading this books reminds me of being mindful about my thoughts, feelings and sensation I am feeling when that happens again. And it gives me practical things to do whenever I encounter triggers like I should do the opposite of it which is to reply when they reply back to me. Do things that like other habits so my thoughts will slow down. And communicate my feelings correctly to the person who I am feeling I am going to withdraw. Thank you for this book as this reminds me to be better in my relationship and understanding myself. Our partners should not suffer from our core belief triggers but it is us who should love our self at those times.