Lessons in Becoming Myself

by Ellen Burstyn

An inspirational account by the Academy Award- and Tony Award-winning actress discusses her complicated relationship with her mother, film and Broadway roles, and her ongoing search for personal and professional authenticity. 150,000 first printing.

Genres: Nonfiction, Biography, Memoir, Autobiography, Biography Memoir, Film, Audiobook

453 pages, Hardcover

First published October 24, 2006

Reviews

[Erin Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was fantastic. I admire Ellen to be able to retell the life she has lived with such detail and candor. She really opened up with deeply personal issues and situations for all the world to read. She is just a regular person, trying to live her life like the rest of us. Unlike the rest of us, she is able to reflect on her life realizing the spirituality in every moment, good and bad. In her writing, you can tell how discerning she was throughout her life. It seems very rare to come across someone with such insight and to finally realize and come to terms with her mother and her very special role in Ellen's life, despite all the heartache she had caused. My favorite part was Ellen's lightbulb moment where she said "I chose a mother with an iron will so I could develop one myself in order to survive her, and I did.....I am grateful to her for all that I learned from being her daughter." This woman is very wise and I could only hope to learn from life what she did by the time I am her age.

[Barbara Backus · Rating 5 out of 5]

The public knows Ellen Burstyn as an accomplished actor. What I discovered in reading this exceptional memoir is that she is also an accomplished writer. Without a ghostwriter, using only the diaries, letters, notes and memories she's kept for eighty years, she has put together the story not only of her day-to-day experiences but most importantly of her search for finding her true inward self.

This is the story of her spiritual journey told honestly and without self-pity. It begins with the her childhood promise to herself to leave home on her eighteenth birthday to escape her cold and abusive mother. Her journey takes her to some surprising jobs. I hadn't known, for example, that she had been one of the dancers on "The Jackie Gleason" show or that she had modeled for department store buyers in Texas, or that she had studied with some of the world's religious leaders and mystics.

Readers who have admired her movie and theatre roles will find it interesting to discover the ways she captures her characters. We also learn of some of the people who have been most influential in her life.

This is an intelligent memoir which Burstyn admirers and those interested in one person's search for truth will find rewarding.

[Jess · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't know what to expect from this book since I usually avoid autobiographies. I saw Ellen on Oprah while flipping channels and once I started listening, I found her highly intelligent and self-aware, so I got the book. Reading through it was an eye-opening experience. To see what Ellen went through, to see what she survived, created a strong female influence. She went through emotional, physical, professional hardships and aches. I think her story has someone everyone can relate to. If not the actual event, the repercussions. Her schizophrenic ex-husband, her abuse and lack of police help, the adoption of her son all created highs and lows. Her spiritual journey. All these things have lessons to learn and I'm so glad she shared them with the world.

[Nadia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was more than an autobiography, this was a journey of mysticism, tragedy, heart-wrenching sadness and buoyant self-realization! From the first page to the last I was captivated by Ellen's undeterred honesty & quest to become the best possible version of herself regardless of the numerous adversities thrown her way. This was a courageous book which also awoken key questions in my own ongoing Healing which I can now address. What a fantastic way to start 2018! This is a must-read for anyone who values integrity & tenacity.

[Alisha · Rating 4 out of 5]

What a fascinating woman Ellen is. I looked her up on IMDB afterwards and was happy to see she hasn't slowed down at all. I loved reading about Requiem for a Dream, especially when she shared how she got her heartbreaking performance for THE scene that also hit me. The scene that she should have won an Oscar for. Also, excited to see she did exactly what I would have done in terms of prep and technique to get the emotional truth of that moment on film. Her journey as an actress was a joy to read about. I am excited to rewatch the Exorcist.

What I didn't expect was the writing about her personal life and her pursuit of spiritual peace.

I gasped a few times when I read about her home life with her mother and her stepfather. The lack of love and kindness was horrifying to picture happening to a young girl. Her ability to handle her mother's selfishness in her later years was impressive.

Even more interesting, was seeing the world through a woman's eyes during that time period. Ellen described perfectly what it would be like to grow up assuming the man was in charge and the man held the power. I feel rather lucky that I am a product of my generation.

Regarding her quest for spiritual peace I was dismayed, intrigued, curious about my own reaction of cynicism. Why do I suspect spiritual leaders of being more about their own pursuit of power than genuinely being there to help people? Why don't I believe in magic more?

[Jessie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I likely never would have picked this up if someone hadn't recommended it to me, and I'm so glad they did. She speaks frankly and without shame about her life, and treats the various versions of herself with compassion and childlike curiosity. I think she was in her 80s when she finished this, and in many ways, she sounds like she's just getting started. Really compelling, and frankly, inspirational.

[Y K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent

Well written memoir. Amazing woman. Who knew?!

[Matt · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ellen Burstyn is a fine, intelligent actor, so I wasn't too surprised that her 2006 memoir was full of good insights on the craft of acting, highlights from her brilliant film career, and the pleasant shock of achieving success later in life (Burstyn was nearly 40 when cast in her breakthrough role in 1971's The Last Picture Show). What was surprising is the fact that she devotes so much space in this book to spirituality and her decades-long quest for meaning. Honestly, these sections tend to drag, but I can see why she delved so deeply into that aspect of her life. Oddly enough, the best parts of this book were her intense memories of a miserable childhood with abusive parents—usually the absolute worst part of most memoirs and biographies. The pain helped her to sharpen her acting skills, later on.

[Erin · Rating 3 out of 5]

There were parts of this memoir that I really enjoyed but overall there was a lot of detail about the plays and movies in which she acted in which I just wasn't interested. The book is heavy on her spiritual journey which I found interesting and from which I took away a few key ideas but it did have a tendency to be a little bit more "out there" than I could relate to in parts. My biggest issue was her description of how self-sabotaging she was and non-self-promoting when in fact each time she told us this, she followed it with a statement from someone else describing how fabulous she was. Overall this was a very honest and thought-provoking book but it could have been about 100 pages shorter for me.

[Jennifer · Rating 4 out of 5]

I wavered between 3 and 4 stars, but chose the higher number because I found Ellen Burstyn's narration so compelling. She has lived a life full of intrigue, horror, magical moments, and creativity. I liked that she spent a lot of time on her spiritual journey within this book, but the most shocking moments described her time with her schizophrenic husband. I felt genuine fear for her during those events.

The audiobook is certainly worth listening to. I enjoy her voice - never bored, always engaged with the material -- so this was a pleasant use of a few hours.

[Pam Williams · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this memoir about Ellen Burstyn's life and search for enlightenment. The manner in which she faced her fears was inspirational. I enjoyed the love and humor that came through in her story.

[Mediaman · Rating 2 out of 5]

Strangely mystic Ellen Burstyn spends 440 long pages exploring her own search for meaning in life, concluding we are "reincarnated having chosen our life circumstances in order to learn the lessons we came in to learn" (?) and that she wants to finish her decades-old award-winning actress life "completely unmasked."

Well, this is certainly one way to do it--reveal all the slutty nights she slept around with strangers, give sad details about an abortion, and travel the world in search of spiritual peace she never seems to have. The book is filled with all sorts of questionable stories, bizarre voices she hears in her head, and some details about her famous projects. But overall it doesn't succeed because she uses the pages to preach to us about New Age beliefs that are more difficult to swallow than her Catholic upbringing.

Burstyn was raised in an abusive household and claims her mother belittled the actress to the end. Ellen is really Edna Rae, and she gets away from her given last name of Gillooly by changing her full name at least eight times, ending up with one from her husband's ancestry that wasn't even his real last name. (Does that make sense? If not, then you have an idea of how strange this book is.)

Some will be shocked by the amount of sex Burstyn admits to. In her young adulthood she seems to sleep with any guy who asks or allows husbands to do what they want with her. Yet she then turns around to preach about women needing to learn to say no and not allowing men to have control. Well, she had the chance and didn't do it until much later in her life.

The abortion story is startling in detail but for her to claim to be in her late teens and not understand that a five-month-old fetus is actually a fully formed baby is pure hogwash. You get a sense throughout the book that Burstyn is lying or making things up to excuse away her bad decisions. Biggest example is one day she wakes up to Martin Luther King's voice on the radio news, then claims she hears an inner voice saying he's going to die that day. Later that day the voice continued and it was that very day he did die. Decades later it may be possible to claim such a thing but based on what she writes here there are serious doubts raised as to her credibility.

In the case of the abortion, she appears to later regret it, only to end up adopting a boy from a young mother who was willing to give birth instead of abort. It could have been a strong message of a life lesson learned but instead comes across as cavalier and insensitive. It's made even worse by her claims that she lived her need to give birth through her dog. Yes, you heard that right. She claims the dog "carried my fertility for me, the fertility that I had killed off. She got pregnant many times." Seriously?

Burstyn goes off on spiritual journeys about the same time the drug culture comes into play. While it's fascinating that her husband at the time was the story editor for The Monkees TV show, the couple was also close friends with Dennis Hopper and Jack Nicholson during the counterculture years. She goes off to stump for liberal Democrat candidates before falling into the Eastern religion movement. Soon she calls herself a Sufi (Islamic mysticism) while also studying Buddhism, going to Jewish Passovers, and traveling on retreats with a wacky Catholic priest.

She concludes after her experimenting, "I really am devoted to Jesus...not a conventional one by most standards but in my heart Jesus is my guru." Yet most of the doctrines she claims to believe in, like reincarnation, have nothing to do with Christian teaching. And can a Sufi really claim to be a Jesus follower?

Namely Ellen Burstyn is a confused mess, as is this book, and appears to suffer from mental illness that some will accept as being spirituality. It's not well written and needs a serious editor to cut through the meandering crap in order to get to the heart of the story. I don't really care what she believes (which seems pretty typical drug-induced 1960s hippie Californian) but why do I have to sit through a hundred pages of her trying to find herself, which only gets worse once she becomes successful? At least after a visit to Cambodia she believes in evil and the devil, which is more than many of her left-wing counterparts.

There are many laughable scenes or comments in the book, made under the guise of being "lessons" she learned, but sadly the main one about what's real and what's not seems to have eluded the actress.

[Goose · Rating 3 out of 5]

If I like a famous person, I'm interested in reading about them. Burstyn is a wonderful actress and truly gives of herself in most roles I've seen her perform. I was excited to read her memoir, wanting to read about her famous and not so famous movie roles. There is plenty of that to read. Also, interesting to me was her relationship with her horrible mother and relationships with the men in her life. I tried to remain interested in the other part of the book about Burstyn's search for meaning in her life and her many spiritual gurus and teachers. But I kept asking myself how someone who has traveled the world searching for herself, could keep making such horrible personal choices. I finally gave up and skimmed some of the later spiritual journey parts. Be warned readers. If you are coming for the actress and Hollywood stories, they are there but you have to wade thru a lot of Shirley MacLaine like spirituality.

[Kevin Helm · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ellen Burstyn is a very good writer, and I was impressed by her honesty in sharing all of the details of her journey to stardom including all of the difficulties she encountered.

I did not care for all of the details about her travels to spiritual enlightenment.....often, it kept going on, and on, and on......however, I know it was essential for her growth.

I stole some really good quotes from this book:
"I must always be of service to an impeccable warrior."
"All we know of God is what we grow to be."
"God is in the longing, the searching, the seeing....."
"Authenticity has been my inspiration. Whatever is in the shadow, own it, pull it into the light, and let it shine."

[Jax Riley · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic read that is a very human story from a very humble woman. It’s about transcending, growing spiritually, finding your way inside to your core. It’s uplifting, and a remarkable journey from a woman who started life as a rather abused child and grew into a strong woman who gives so freely of herself. I have always loved and admired Ellen Burstyn since I was a young teenager and that has only grown over the years. This book gave me a rare glimpse into a life I never thought I’d get to see beyond what I saw in the roles that she’s played. Thank you, Ellen, for allowing me to understand you as a person. You are a lovely soul!

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ellen Burstyn has lived an interesting, challenging life and has overcome numerous obstacles along the way. "Lessons in Becoming Myself" is not a typical movie star's memoirs or autobiography. If that's what you're expecting, you're likely to end up disappointed. Instead, Ms. Burstyn shares her story candidly through the lens of personal development and spiritual growth and awakening. Personally, I found the journey fresh, worthwhile, and satisfying ultimately. And, along the way, she does tell various insider show biz stories, but that's not the primary raison d'etre for this very enjoyable book.

[Vianne · Rating 4 out of 5]

Ellen Burstyn gives a candid, up-close and personal account of her life experiences and how they shaped her thoughts and beliefs. I found it to be thought provoking and I could relate to her search for meaning and her process of becoming. Well worth the read.

If you prefer audio books, Ms. Burstyn give an abridged reading of her own memoir. Very nice.

[Lchiofolo · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wonderful. I don’t remember the exact dates I read this jewel if a book. But over a decade later, I still remember how wonderful a read it was.
Initially, i borrowed it from the library. Which means it’s not on my bookshelf for a second round. I can’t find it in my little library in my current community and they are looking for it for me. Otherwise, Amazon here I come!

[Kylene Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a pretty good book. She is definitely a pretty spritual person. I liked some of her lessons that helped her grow. She definitely did not have it easy in her life. From having an absentee creepy father, a neglectful if not abusive mother, to a mentally ill husband. Yes, she persevered and followed her goals and dreams.

[Parvati · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book, read several years ago. Ellen Burstyn is a gifted lyrical writer, whose ability to create as an actor spills out onto the pages of her book. I will reread it now. A true gem and an inspiring spirit.

[Allie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found the spiritual parts tedious after a while, but I appreciate that it's all a part of Ellen's character as much as any other part of her life. After what she's gone through, it's no surprise that she would turn to religion and spirituality to ground herself.

[sbenach · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved this book. She is honest, she gives it the truth as she knows her story. She has a profound sense of self. Not many achieve her level of insight. You join in on her journey keeping in mind it’s her journey to tell not what we think we will hear in the least. I highly recommend.

[Heather Thomas · Rating 4 out of 5]

LOVED this memoir by Ellen Burstyn. While it was mostly written from arm's length, the story of her life is engaging and heartbreaking, emotional, thrilling and most importantly REAL. Loved the authenticity, the courage she had to share her life with us.

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not only is she an amazing actor, but a wonderful writer. This book is so well written. A very honest autobiography of a very intersting, but difficult life.

[Casey Smith · Rating 5 out of 5]

An all time favorite.

[Lindsay Dellinger · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic coming of age story by an insightful, strong and passionate woman. At times, metaphysical and spiritual and at other times, wholly human and heartbreaking.

[Juliebrown · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this memoir. I love that Ellen comes from Detroit and attended Cass Tech. Ii hate how men took advantage of her as a young woman. I love how she succeeded and write her story.

[Gabriela]

This was a great memoir. I could see myself rereading it, and that’s not usually the case with me and memoirs. It has many great lessons for actors, women, and just humans.

[HN · Rating 3 out of 5]

it was so ehhhh

[Ryan Hake · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesomely spiritual and utterly endearing. At times, thrilling. What a life. What an artist. A healer. She reads it beautifully. Get the audiobook. Although abridged, fantastic.