What No One Tells the Bride: Surviving the Wedding, Sex After the Honeymoon, Second Thoughts, Wedding Cake Freezer Burn, Becoming Your Mother, Screaming about Money, Screaming about In-Laws, etc.

by Marg Stark

What No One Tells the Bride is the inside scoop--good and bad--on what it's really like being married. In these pages, journalist Marg Stark breaks the newlywed code of silence and exposes the profound adjustments brides often experience. Stark and 50 married women tell their stories--showing others how to handle turbulence on cloud nine--and reveal marital truths, such

Humorous and compassionate--with advice from marriage counselors, ministers, financial advisors, and sex therapists-- What No One Tells the Bride is not only a practical guide for every newly married woman, it also makes the perfect wedding shower gifts.

Genres: Nonfiction, Marriage, Relationships, Self Help, How To

320 pages, Paperback

First published June 3, 1998

Reviews

[Allison Severson · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to Whitney for letting me borrow this book!

I loved this book, and loved that the author did her own research study to write it. The quotes were thoughtfully and appropriately chosen, and I kept thinking "right, I agree!" as I read through it.

I also enjoyed that it did not demand to be read in a linear way... You could read chapter 10 before 3, for example.

[Ashton · Rating 3 out of 5]

It feels a little outdated but overall I enjoyed it and thought it had some good points

[Emilia Del Vecchio · Rating 4 out of 5]

I am not engaged, but I did just move in with my boyfriend! And this book answered so many of my questions, eased my anxieties, and was highly relevant to serious relationships overall. Solid self help.

[Tess · Rating 3 out of 5]

I found a lot of this book (roughly the first half) to be full of very obvious advice. Most of it seems to have to do with "how to not be crazy" and "how to feel sure of yourself," which are lessons that people should be expected to learn on their own. I don't think that the institution of marriage should be the only thing that prompts a person to become secure and self-reliant, as the book urges you to do. Also, the author seems to assume that all married couples go through the same formulaic phases, and I don't feel like you can apply such broad conditions in a world with so many different types of people. But apart from some of the very "well, duh" advice within, I think this is a good book. As the chapters wear on, a few helpful nuggets do emerge, and I'm glad I read it. I particularly like that Ms. Stark reinforces the idea that relationships become more beautiful with time, as evidenced in this quote:

"One of the cooking terms I most like running across in recipes is 'Let the flavors marry.' In this context, "marry" implies that time brings out the best and most delightful elements of a relationship."

And once the book gets into offering tangible tips (like how to talk about finances, how to be creative and MAKE your marriage full of the unexpected, and how to manage household tasks), it becomes a useful volume.

[Jen Mierisch · Rating 5 out of 5]

From changing your name to living together to analyzing values, this book addresses the emotional, social and intellectual aspects of being a bride. It's a breath of fresh air compared to the vast majority of wedding-related books aimed at brides, which seem to cover only the materialistic (dresses, decorations, rings) and the logistical (checklists) and don't acknowledge or respect the huge life transition that marriage is for women.

I highly recommend this book to any modern woman who is engaged. Several times in every chapter, I thought, "Thank goodness someone else understands this same strange/confliced/confusing emotion that I have felt during my engagement!"

[Kimberly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every bride should read this, it is a great insight of what the future holds after the wedding.

[Kelly Van Dyke · Rating 5 out of 5]

Such a refreshing truthful book! I was getting married at 29 and it made me feel ok to have the feelings I did! Highly recommended for bride to be's and new brides...and even old brides!

[Ginny · Rating 2 out of 5]

I found the inset boxes with tips from wives to be more helpful than anything else in the book.

[Rebecca West · Rating 1 out of 5]

Touts feminism, yet preaches advice that puts the onus on brides to navigate, cater to, or accept traditional gender role expectations that may arise throughout a “traditional marriage,” while, first and foremost, protecting a fragile male ego.

[Pamela M · Rating 5 out of 5]

LOVED IT!! Its a but outdated but still recommended for any engaged or newly married woman

[Lisa McLemon · Rating 4 out of 5]

For years, I swore I'd never marry. I said this not because I didn't want to settle down, not because I honestly *wanted* to be a spinster for the rest of my days (although I know some "spinsters" who have led very awesome, wonderful, ENVIABLE lives and it's by no means a curse) - I said I'd never marry because I knew *exactly* the sort of man I'd be happy spending the rest of my life with, and I honestly believed with every fiber of my being that he didn't exist. And if that was the case, I'd spend my days alone because I wasn't settling for any less than what I knew would make me happy.

Imagine my surprise when David came along. Even though I was thrilled to be getting married, I was also terrified. And marriage (or the prospect thereof) can be absolutely terrifying for some women. If you are, like me, ferociously independent and have no interest in becoming somebody's "little wifey", no interest in giving up your independence along with everything that makes you who you are, marriage can be (in spite of the joy and excitement) more frightening than death for some women.

This book addresses many of these fears and was a huge step in the realization that marriage is what you make it - not necessarily the cookie-cutter cliche you've built up in your head. Marriage doesn't have to be what it was for your parents or anyone else in your family. It doesn't have to mean giving up your independence, giving up your interests and everything that makes you who you are. More importantly, if you're a newlywed or a bride-to-be and you are terrified of what lies ahead - you are not by any means alone. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to have second thoughts. This book uses the input of many other brides, newlyweds and those long married to help you sort through everything that's going through your head - including methods of managing the relationship.

It's all very subjective, of course - not everything in this book is helpful. Some things are glaringly obvious while others may not resonate at all with you. But still, it was worth the read and the simple knowledge that I wasn't the only bride in the history of the known universe to be scared of what was going to happen after vows were made and the piece of paper was signed.

Highly recommended for brides-to-be and newlyweds.

[Rebekah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Found this in my church library and was curious. While I'm not the target audience, married for over 10 years, I wanted to see what it would say and try to remember how I felt. Many of these lessons are, as the stories show, learned over time in your marriage. There is only so much preparation you can do. Mostly we need reminding that we did not marry a perfect person, no did our spouse, and that we need to work together to make a marriage which includes our relations. My husband and I did do a pre-marriage study that covered many of the same ideas, expectations about all sorts of things. One aspect that was interesting, was that the author was raised in a Christian home, and reported still living a faithful lifestyle. This book does not feel like it was written specifically with a Christian woman in mind, though it does suggest similar compassion and fidelity. With that in mind, the chapter on s.ex was a little troubling. She did mention once that she had grown up having decided she would not sleep with a man before marriage, but that she did with her fiancé, and that choosing not celibacy before marriage is a personal choice. Most other women referenced spoke about how their sex lives changed. It wasn't a new experience for them but the relationship deepened with the commitment and comfort of marriage. I felt it was a good advocate for abstinence.

Regarding those other women, and perhaps another aspect of the target audience, I rarely found myself in their experience. Most were in their late twenties or thirties. Very few were under 25 as I was, so most had more experience dating and building a career. Perhaps that is because of the trend for women to put off marriage. Though I don't believe it is so unusual for young people just finished coll to wed. In that case, my case, you have had less time to get accustomed to living a certain way, with less responsibility to include someone else in your desires and plans. So for those who have been unmarried for several years, it would understandably take perhaps more adjustment to married life. Though for any new couple, the adjustment is to figure out how to like arranging and do things together.

This book might be some help for new brides or brides-to-be, but I would probably recommend others.

[Danielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was really comforting for dealing with the transition to marriage as well as the first few years of marriage. I love that the author gives various examples from women in all walks of life and in different marriage situations.

[Julie N · Rating 3 out of 5]

It seems like recently I've picked up several books that I really wanted to like a lot, but just didn't quite live up to what I had hoped. I liked this book and read it quickly, but none of it was as good as I expected. I was glad to read something other than the typical "getting married is a fairy tale" and it was nice to hear stories about reality where the first year of marriage isn't just absolute bliss, but I felt like a lot of it I've heard before. The stories were great and really made the book for me - hearing about other people's experiences of less-than-blissful first years of marriage - but the advice was pretty trite. Don't try to change your husband, work on communication, etc, etc.

[Kat · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really liked this book. It has nothing to do with wedding planning but more about navigating the stage of life between dating/engaged and then being married. Since not everyone dates for years and years, I really appreciated and sympathized with the difficulty of socializing with other couples as well as mourning your independence and individual victories (such as arguing with the insurance company and WINNING, or the first time you fix a major appliance by yourself).
The last 2-3 chapters seemed to be written when the author was in a different time period herself (expecting first child) so they seemed (in MY opinion) to be less cohesive and helpful.
overall --- still one of the more logical, practical bride related books I've read :)

[Michelle Plass · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fabulous fabulous book that I would reccomend without hesitation to ANYONE who is engaged, newly married, or has even been married for awhile. A refreshing, honest look at the ups and downs of marriage and how these ups and downs create a stronger marriage. It covers so many awesome topics including: the wedding, the honeymoon, in-laws, differences in values, commuication, having a baby, and many more topics. Written in a very fluid, easy-to-read style with lots of personal reflections from the author and from other women who are engaged, newly married, or have been married 40 years. Just an amazing book and one I suspect will be reread many times over the course of my marriage.

[Jess · Rating 2 out of 5]

Out of touch and overly sappy, this book about life after nuptials is a disappointment. No one under the age of 30 is referenced, and every bride she speaks to or about is an odd one--instead of polling or working with standard brides, Stark gathered an eclectic group of her friends and then attempts to postulate that all women are like them. Stark's own marriage had only happened less than a year before she published this book--a fact I didn't know until after reading it--therefore, a great deal of the disappointment could be attributed to a lack of experience.

[Rebecca Light · Rating 5 out of 5]

She really breaks through the barrier of what a bride is "supposed" to feel as dictated by the shiny magazines, romantic comedies, and perfect commercials that permeate our culture; and she made me feel so comforted that I was not crazy just because I didn't feel all of those things. If you are newly engaged or newly married and having more complex emotions than just pure happiness all the time, it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or your relationship. Read this book and you'll feel less alone.

[Beth · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was really a journal, with some light reading and a few interviews thrown in. Listening to grumblings about life as a military wife got old fast and I kept expecting something of substance long after I should have put this title down. The only sections that kept my attention were the darkened boxes in the margins with information from other new wives.

Altogether unimpressive.

[Kati · Rating 2 out of 5]

It was good to read and know that other people are going through the same things and feelings. But, I often felt like the author took 2 pages to explain something that could have been explained in 2 paragraphs. I didn't even finish the last two chapters. I felt like the whole book was based on what the author and her friends said and thought.

[Holly · Rating 3 out of 5]

I think this is a book every bride should definitely read. Not that it's necessary, but it's kind of nice to see some of the difficulties that can arise in relationships after the vows & tips on how to get through them. I especially liked the chapter about the post-wedding depression that some people get & how to keep the excitement of the marriage alive.

[Lauren · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was great for a bride-to-be, it's light hearted and fun to read and at the same time lets you know that everyone else feels the same way that you do and it's okay. I really enjoyed reading it and would recommend to any bride-to-be and even a newly wed!

[Esonja · Rating 2 out of 5]

Vastly prefer books with a more intimate feel/perspective--I tend to make close bonds, when I make them at all, and this book represents relationships that feel too alien (for its conventional roles and ways) to me. I love hearing folks' stories, though.

[Claire · Rating 3 out of 5]

So far, this is pretty good. My major complaint is that the author assumes that the man always proposes and it's heterocentrist.

[Whitney · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly, highly reccommended for all future brides. I think it should be required reading for when you apply for a marriage license.

[Cristen · Rating 2 out of 5]

The book seems to play on fears I didn't even know I should have. What a bunch of rubbish.

[Kim · Rating 5 out of 5]

I highly recommend this book for all that are getting married or are newleyweds!!! It was very enlightening!!!

[Gena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Every bride-to-be and any woman who has been married less than five years should read this. Very good advice and comfort for modern women. :)

[Kasey · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very comforting to know that the first year is one of the more difficult years, even if you already lived together. Not the honeymoon period others lead you to belive.

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

All I can really say about this book is that I wish I'd read this book before I was married. It really is full of things you wish you'd known before you got married.