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Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the "Happiest" Time of Her Life
From the country’s foremost expert on “cold feet,” a smart and compassionate guide for the bride-to-be who thinks she should be blissfully happy—but is freaking out instead For most brides, the elation of engagement is accompanied by a cocktail of unexpected emotions: Anxiety about making a lifelong commitment. Sadness about leaving their single life behind. Confusion when even simple decisions—should we serve chicken cordon bleu or beef Wellington?—bring them to tears. Worst of all, since everyone around them expects them to be happy, few brides feel there’s anyone to turn to with these conflicting feelings.
Written by one of Modern Bride’s “25 Trendsetters of 2006”—and targeting the 2.5 million women who get engaged each year—Emotionally Engagedis the only book geared toward helping brides survive their engagements and emerge as stronger, happier, better- adjusted married women. In the book, Allison Moir-Smith shares her threestage, tried-and-true process from her workshops and individual therapy sessions, along with the stories of over a dozen brides-to-be and newlyweds, helping readers transform their bridal blues into bridal bliss.
Written by one of Modern Bride’s “25 Trendsetters of 2006”—and targeting the 2.5 million women who get engaged each year—Emotionally Engagedis the only book geared toward helping brides survive their engagements and emerge as stronger, happier, better- adjusted married women. In the book, Allison Moir-Smith shares her threestage, tried-and-true process from her workshops and individual therapy sessions, along with the stories of over a dozen brides-to-be and newlyweds, helping readers transform their bridal blues into bridal bliss.
240 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2006
23 people are currently reading
100 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews
July 30, 2018
This book is trash, and I put it there (okay, the recycling bin, because I'm not a monster). I have had lots of feels about being engaged, wedding planning, etc. but none of them involved not being able to talk or hang out with my single friends because I was affianced and gave all my emotional energy to my man (again, not a monster).
I think it was just a book written for a different time and/or a different girl, and if you find it helpful good for you. It just wasn't what was good for me
I think it was just a book written for a different time and/or a different girl, and if you find it helpful good for you. It just wasn't what was good for me
June 29, 2011
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I'm so glad this book exists. As I've been planning to (obsessing over) getting married, I've found myself frustrated that there are books out there about EVERYTHING to do with planning and pulling off the wedding, but virtually nothing that speaks to the emotional experience of preparing for the life-change that marriage will bring. This book, thankfully, fills that void.
Allison Moir-Smith focuses her therapy practice on counseling brides, and this book brings her wisdom and experiences to the women who don't want to spend $125 on a therapy session. In straightforward language, with concrete examples, Allison helps the bride-to-be untangle mixed emotions about getting married, helping categorize which are actually red flags about the relationship, and which are a normal part of going through such a momentous transition. The book is well-organized, with chapters devoted to how this transition can wreak havoc on relationships with family and friends as well as with your fiance and your own identity. It also offers about a dozen "emotional to-do's" that include exercises like writing about what you'll miss about being single, reflecting on the "role" you play in your family of origin, and coming to terms with engagement/wedding fantasies that may not be actualized in the real-life experience. I've made it through four of the emotional to-do's and I plan to do all of them -- because I trust Allison's process that much.
I found myself tearing up several times as I read this book, either because I felt relieved to finally be "understood," or because this book was able to hook into my deep-seated emotions about this transition in a way that it's hard for me to do when I'm caught up in the day-to-day business of going about my life. I'd recommend this to any bride-to-be and think it would be valuable to most newlyweds, too. Allison Moir-Smith makes the interesting observation that more emotionally tumultuous engagements tend to lead to smoother early years in marriage, whereas a smooth-sailing engagement often leads to a tumultuous first year, since everyone has to go through the difficult emotions of the transition at some point, whether before or after the vows. I've already observed about myself that I tend to fret like mad prior to a transition, then move quite peacefully into the change once it's begun. It was nice to have this confirmed -- and I hope it holds true for me again!
Allison Moir-Smith focuses her therapy practice on counseling brides, and this book brings her wisdom and experiences to the women who don't want to spend $125 on a therapy session. In straightforward language, with concrete examples, Allison helps the bride-to-be untangle mixed emotions about getting married, helping categorize which are actually red flags about the relationship, and which are a normal part of going through such a momentous transition. The book is well-organized, with chapters devoted to how this transition can wreak havoc on relationships with family and friends as well as with your fiance and your own identity. It also offers about a dozen "emotional to-do's" that include exercises like writing about what you'll miss about being single, reflecting on the "role" you play in your family of origin, and coming to terms with engagement/wedding fantasies that may not be actualized in the real-life experience. I've made it through four of the emotional to-do's and I plan to do all of them -- because I trust Allison's process that much.
I found myself tearing up several times as I read this book, either because I felt relieved to finally be "understood," or because this book was able to hook into my deep-seated emotions about this transition in a way that it's hard for me to do when I'm caught up in the day-to-day business of going about my life. I'd recommend this to any bride-to-be and think it would be valuable to most newlyweds, too. Allison Moir-Smith makes the interesting observation that more emotionally tumultuous engagements tend to lead to smoother early years in marriage, whereas a smooth-sailing engagement often leads to a tumultuous first year, since everyone has to go through the difficult emotions of the transition at some point, whether before or after the vows. I've already observed about myself that I tend to fret like mad prior to a transition, then move quite peacefully into the change once it's begun. It was nice to have this confirmed -- and I hope it holds true for me again!
May 1, 2019
Helpful, if a bit dated (lots of Sex and the City metaphors, references to faxing directions to vendors, and PalmPilots). As far as I know, this is one of the only books out there addressing pre-wedding anxiety. There should be more! Would be great to see this updated for 2019. 🤷🏻♀️
January 14, 2021
I come writing this review while purging my bookshelves in 2021. I purchased and read this book in the middle of my engagement to my wonderful husband in 2013.
Let’s just say, looking back at this time I feel all the same emotions about it. Basically, I was the first of my friends engaged, also my family (not my husbands family), wasn’t completely helpful and were pretty much bossing me around on how to plan my wedding. Pretty much my joy was sucked dry during the engagement/wedding planning period. I felt alone in my feelings and I also felt these selfish/first world problem girl —“Like I am marrying the man of my dreams, so why am I so unhappy?”
Well now that you’re in my mindset from 2013, I found this book while googling the answer late at night while drinking a glass of wine at 3 AM. Basically, there were many women who felt this way on The Knot chat and they recommended this book.
The author is a highly educated woman who wondered why planning her wedding was stressing her out. Plot twist — she’s a professional therapist and after her wedding she holds workshops for brides-to-be to discuss their feelings and explore engagement feelings. The rest of the book dives into a lot of brides-to-be stressors and each chapter is a case study exploring different topics such as planning stress or even ::gasp:: mourning the end of your single life.
The writer recommends journaling and also poses emotional questions also known as “emotional to-do lists” that (if you’re open to can write about). As someone who loves journaling I did this while planning my wedding and reading this book helped me understand all the life changing questions and also help me break down a lot of the crap people were putting me through while I was planning my wedding. For future brides who may be having the classic “cold-feet” feels, there is cold-feet alerts that help you work out your feelings.
Overall, I recommend this book to brides-to-be who need the perspective of others who had emotional engagements to workout some feelings before taking the plunge into married life.
Let’s just say, looking back at this time I feel all the same emotions about it. Basically, I was the first of my friends engaged, also my family (not my husbands family), wasn’t completely helpful and were pretty much bossing me around on how to plan my wedding. Pretty much my joy was sucked dry during the engagement/wedding planning period. I felt alone in my feelings and I also felt these selfish/first world problem girl —“Like I am marrying the man of my dreams, so why am I so unhappy?”
Well now that you’re in my mindset from 2013, I found this book while googling the answer late at night while drinking a glass of wine at 3 AM. Basically, there were many women who felt this way on The Knot chat and they recommended this book.
The author is a highly educated woman who wondered why planning her wedding was stressing her out. Plot twist — she’s a professional therapist and after her wedding she holds workshops for brides-to-be to discuss their feelings and explore engagement feelings. The rest of the book dives into a lot of brides-to-be stressors and each chapter is a case study exploring different topics such as planning stress or even ::gasp:: mourning the end of your single life.
The writer recommends journaling and also poses emotional questions also known as “emotional to-do lists” that (if you’re open to can write about). As someone who loves journaling I did this while planning my wedding and reading this book helped me understand all the life changing questions and also help me break down a lot of the crap people were putting me through while I was planning my wedding. For future brides who may be having the classic “cold-feet” feels, there is cold-feet alerts that help you work out your feelings.
Overall, I recommend this book to brides-to-be who need the perspective of others who had emotional engagements to workout some feelings before taking the plunge into married life.
September 6, 2019
When one of my fav bloggers got engaged nearly 5 years ago, I earmarked her entry referencing this book. Now engaged myself in my late twenties (with an identity more established than I realized), this book has served to be a great comfort in navigating the psychological transition from ‘single’ to engaged to married. Even for those not experiencing the ups and downs of engagement, this book serves to set up your marriage for success as many transitions are still experienced within the first year or two or marriage. She does an excellent job of separating emotional expectation from emotional reality. In summary: it takes time!
February 15, 2024
I found this book to be incredibly helpful and reassuring that all the emotions that I’ve been feeling are normal and necessary to help me transition from a single woman to a soon to be married one. Allison gives little “emotional to do tasks” that help brides really figure out what they’re feeling and why. I will absolutely recommend this book to all of my engaged friends in the future!
March 4, 2023
I’m mad that I paid money for this book. Gave it 1 star (and not zero) because there’s some valid advice. But I have a lot of married friends and I don’t see myself ignoring my single friends once I get married?
March 21, 2023
Not the most relatable for a modern-day female (assumes the newly engaged live separately, not had fundamental conversations about finances and values etc.) but hit what I was looking for in terms of validating the ups and downs of a big life stage.
September 19, 2017
This book helped me tremendously during the first months of engagement when I found myself experiencing a lot of rocky and confusing emotions. It is accessible and incredibly insightful.
March 6, 2019
Fresh Perspective
Sound advice on entering this new phase of life that you may not get from your immediate circle of friends. Very reassuring.
Sound advice on entering this new phase of life that you may not get from your immediate circle of friends. Very reassuring.
August 7, 2015
Originally posted on The Beauty of Existence
I found this book a little while back, and I knew it would be something I’d like to read, but I was blown away by how helpful it actually was.
The author went through a difficult time during her engagement, family issues, internal struggles, and she took that experience and decided to help other brides-to-be. She relates her experiences, as well as the stories of those who called on her for help, in order to shed light on how being engaged really feels.
When I first got engaged, I felt disconnected with my single friends and some of my family members, who didn’t quite understand what I was going through. I also had the added pain of being away from my fiancé and my family and most of my friends while in transition from one country to another. The stories of these brides and how normal it is to feel isolated or tense or confused provided me with a lot of comfort that I am not alone.
Read the rest
I found this book a little while back, and I knew it would be something I’d like to read, but I was blown away by how helpful it actually was.
The author went through a difficult time during her engagement, family issues, internal struggles, and she took that experience and decided to help other brides-to-be. She relates her experiences, as well as the stories of those who called on her for help, in order to shed light on how being engaged really feels.
When I first got engaged, I felt disconnected with my single friends and some of my family members, who didn’t quite understand what I was going through. I also had the added pain of being away from my fiancé and my family and most of my friends while in transition from one country to another. The stories of these brides and how normal it is to feel isolated or tense or confused provided me with a lot of comfort that I am not alone.
Read the rest
September 4, 2011
I just finished "Emotionally Engaged: A Bride's Guide to Surviving the 'Happiest' Time of Her Life" by Allison Moir-Smith. While some of it was a little over-the-top for me and some of the dialogue in the examples of situations given seemed a bit juvenile, it was a good book to read when I needed a little bit of de-stressing time. It helped to know that it wasn't abnormal for me to be down and depressed some days even though I'm planning for one of the happiest days of my life. It encourages you not to dismiss those "'un-bridely' feelings of anxiety, fear and sadness" that may come up and talks about how to deal with saying "goodbye" to the roles you are giving up like your single life, or the fact that you're shifting your family identity to create a new family structure.
March 16, 2016
I found this book very helpful for understanding the emotional side of an engagement, and why seemingly simple decisions can feel very stressful. There are journal exercises throughout the book to help you figure out what getting married means to you, which I found useful for figuring out why I'm feeling how I feel. By understanding my feelings, I am better equipped to manage them. Even sunshine has shadows, and I really appreciated this honest exploration of the shadow side of the happiest time of my life.
July 14, 2008
I may be unduly harsh, but I feel like I've been a real nightmare throughout our engagement. I've purchased many books, attempting to find some solace that this is a temporary condition and that I'll be back to my old self in no time.
The search is over! This will be a frequent gift to future brides. This book was a lifesaver. Some of the suggested activities were hokey. Very hokey, hence the withheld final star, but still strongly recommended.
The search is over! This will be a frequent gift to future brides. This book was a lifesaver. Some of the suggested activities were hokey. Very hokey, hence the withheld final star, but still strongly recommended.
March 6, 2010
A fabulous read for any bride-to-be it talks about the transition between being single and getting married. Just like The Conscious Bride, only without some of the patronizing language and mythology. A very easy and engaging read the encourages all women to feel their feelings and that just because they may have questions or confusion about marriage doesn't mean there is anything wrong with their relationship. A must read for all the engaged ladies out there!
March 15, 2012
I recently read this book and it really helped me at the time. It is well structured, direct and at times no-nonsense, but written with a very light and humorous tone. Kind of makes you feel like you are talking to the author in a friend-setting. It was an easy read and I probably finished the thing in about an hour. The first self-help book I've ever read and would definitely recommend to all bride-to-bes out there!
August 20, 2008
This is a must read for the engaged or newly married bride. I just recently got married and had gone through a lot of changes that I was unaware of from being engaged. This book helped clarify the emotions that went along with the engagement and the life changing committment I was about to make. Excellent book!!
December 16, 2008
I highly recommend this to any and every bride who desires not only to make the most of her engagement period but her marriage, to think more holistically than simply of the day of the wedding. It is fantastic and really helped me to realize the full potential of my engagement period and to prepare for marriage. It's awesome!
February 27, 2012
A much more engaging read now that I've start planning my wedding, as opposed to previously when I had no idea when the wedding was going to be. The book really does make you think about your emotions and what could be causing various different feelings, and really did give me some insight as to what might be going on in my head.
July 17, 2008
A book you must read if you are getting married! It explains and makes sense of why everyone in your life gets so crazy around weddings. It also offers good advise on how to be calm and enjoy your wedding day.
June 30, 2009
This book was very helpful and full on insight. You go through a lot of emotions when planning your wedding and during the engagement this guide helps you not feel so crazy and to realize what your feeling isn't too far from the norm.
June 29, 2009
A really interesting and thought-provoking take on what women actually go through emotionally during their engagements. Probably would be more helpful to me if I were engaged while reading this, but hopefully I'll be able to use the information when I do get engaged.
April 5, 2010
I read this in the early days of my engagement. I learned so much from this, and a lot of the book has stuck with me. I've recommended it to all of my engaged friends. Getting married should be a deliberate choice for your future, not something to get caught up in.
December 1, 2013
Helpful and encouraging. I appreciated the advice to clarify my expectations of how I "should" feel at various stages and then give myself permission to feel many different emotions. Not always happy ones! A book that is both clear-eyed and cheering.
June 6, 2008
I was afraid it might be hokey, but it really did help.
August 31, 2008
I learned two very important things:
1) More people feel like me than don't feel like me, thanks
2) Everything will be fine
1) More people feel like me than don't feel like me, thanks
2) Everything will be fine
September 15, 2008
Since my awesome friend Kati bought me this book, I decided I should read it. Had some fun information...some of it was a bit dramatic for my life.
March 6, 2009
A very good choice for the mood I was in at the time. Finished it, feel better about my planning and am trying to keep things in perspective...
July 20, 2009
Surprisingly cool, relevant book about learning how to commit to another person and building a family with them. I especially liked the family map exercises.
July 22, 2010
A must read for the newly-engaged!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 40 reviews