Easing the Ache: Gay Men Recovering from Compulsive Behaviors

by Guy Kettelhack

"An anthem of recovery that is a beacon to anyone who is a compulsive personality" (Lambda Book Report), EASING THE ACHE is the first book to address the unique needs of gay men in recovery.

Genres: Self Help, LGBT

209 pages, Paperback

First published May 21, 1990

Reviews

[Aaron Ambrose · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was published in 1990, and I assumed it would be very dated, and not particularly compelling. Well, the jacket photo and typography are helplessly dated, but everything inside is pretty much timeless. There's a particular formula for gay men and internalized homophobia leading to self-mistrust and self-hatred. Compulsive behavior is an umbrella term for numbing actions that allow us to channel our terrifying emotions into safe, predictable paths. Emotion management can be self-protective in the short term, but it's very damaging in the long term. I'm familiar with a lot of these concepts, but one thing that broke through for me here is the idea that our cravings - scary word, one of the things we're trying to shut up - have a very important message for us.

As pain signals help us to avoid bodily damage, cravings tell us what we need for sustenance. Compulsive behaviors - drinking, drugging, porning, shopping, scrolling, anything to numb the feels - pre-empt those important messages, and over time that spiritual starvation is what kills our souls. Acknowledging that, at whatever level of consciousness, is the key to moving beyond compulsive behavior.

Crawford is a clear, precise writer. He is a beneficiary and strong proponent of Twelve Step groups. This book does a great job of humanizing the real-world effects of compulsive behaviors - their perceived benefits and their aggregate harm. The case studies are composite characters who are all painfully relatable. If you are a gay man, you will see yourself in these pages.

I'm guessing that any gay guy would benefit from reading this. There's a small bundle of books - The Velvet Rage, Straight Jacket, now this one - that have highlighted for me a dark, ugly root that was planted at a young age, that I've never been able to detoxify. All the work I've done since I came out in my 20's, all the progress I thought I'd made, is humbled by the recognition that my deepest sense of self is still full of shame, fear, anger and self-hate. My own compulsive behaviors are less dramatic than some, more "controllable" you could argue, but the truth is they sever me from my honest cravings. Those cravings are soft and tender, and satisfying them is not fully under my control. They depend on me opening myself up to others, not fearing others, not fearing that others fear me.

Opening up is scary.

[Damon]

I actually knew Guy Kettlehack and he was quite a guy. Excellent book.

[Joseph · Rating 5 out of 5]

this is an excellent book that takes the 12 step "nonsense" and breathes some light into how gay men can apply it to their lives. the author contextualizes how fear, anger and resentment are motivation for compulsive behavior (of any sort) and gives real life examples of its manifestations. it's an old book. but damned good. any treatment provider for glbt populations should have this book on their shelf.

[Stefan · Rating 5 out of 5]

lifechanging