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Love Times Three: Our True Story of a Polygamous Marriage
From a family that inspired 'Big Love's' story of Bill Henrickson and his three wives, this first-ever memoir of a polygamous family captures the extraordinary workings of a unique family dynamic, and argues for the acceptance of plural marriage as an alternative lifestyle.
304 pages, Hardcover
First published September 1, 2011
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1184 people want to read
About the author
Joe Darger
2 books2 followersJoe, Alina, Vicki, And Valerie Darger live a normal suburban life in a large home in Salt Lake County with over twenty of their twenty-four children. Joe, Alina, and Vicki were married on the same day twenty-one years ago. Valerie, Vicki’s twin sister, joined the family in 2000.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 243 reviews
September 29, 2011
I have rules in my life: #1 I never watch movies with robots (Transformers, Tron, etc) or that have sports as a central theme (Miracle, Remember the Titans, etc). I have never seen one that I enjoyed, so I've stopped wasting my time on them. Rule #2 I ALWAYS read a book if it is about either China or polygamy. Those are the two most fascinating subjects in the whole world, according to me. So, here's the deal: this book was about polygamy, but it was actually sort of boring. However, THAT WAS THE POINT. The authors were trying to show that not all polygamous relationships are tumultuous like Carolyn Jessop's Escape. So, I don't fault them for writing about plain old boring daily life. Heck, if I wrote a book about my marriage you'd snooze through it. The funny thing was that I flew through this book, even though it was a snoozer, because I was desperate to turn the page and find some juicy nugget of polygamy. Never found one.
By the end of this book I came to a conclusion that completely shocked me. I never in a million years thought that I would say this: Why in the heck is polygamy illegal? I'm not saying that I would ever ever EVERRRRRRR consider this lifestyle for myself, nor do I even think it is a particularly good idea, but I don't think it should be illegal. How many dudes have babies by 3 or 4 women and do absolutely nothing to care for them? Because they never made a declaration of marriage, legal or not, they are not prosecuted even though they did, in essence, the same thing that a polygamist did, ie having children with more than one woman. However, many polygamist men take care of their women and children. They own up to it. They honor a commitment that they made. And these are the people who get locked up? Why not lock up the jerks that just want to 'get some' and then walk away? Why are those dudes off scott free? NOT FAIR I TELL YA!
The authors made an excellent point about abuse: there is not abuse in all polygamous marriages, the same way that there is not abuse in all monogamous marriages. I don't know why that never occurred to me.
This man did something that was unusual even in the world of polygamy: he dated two women at once. But not like he went on a date with one every other night. He went on dates with both of them at the same time, like a double date minus one dude. That just would not have worked for me. I'll admit it, while I was dating my husband there were a lot of "dates" in which we just made out. Yup, that was the planned activity of the night. Those were good dates. I cannot imagine having to plan out actual dates all the time because you couldn't just make out. It would have been exhausting.
Polygamy by force is something that makes me ill. Polygamy by choice is something that makes me say, "What in the hell?!" I kept looking at the cover as I read this. These women look so stylish and "normal". I've been eyeing everyone I see at the library, Walmart, etc, wondering if these completely normal people have made this seriously drastic lifestyle choice. I kind of want to just randomly ask people, "Excuse me. You look normal, so I was wondering if your husband has more that one wife. If so, could you tell me your thoughts?"
By the end of this book I came to a conclusion that completely shocked me. I never in a million years thought that I would say this: Why in the heck is polygamy illegal? I'm not saying that I would ever ever EVERRRRRRR consider this lifestyle for myself, nor do I even think it is a particularly good idea, but I don't think it should be illegal. How many dudes have babies by 3 or 4 women and do absolutely nothing to care for them? Because they never made a declaration of marriage, legal or not, they are not prosecuted even though they did, in essence, the same thing that a polygamist did, ie having children with more than one woman. However, many polygamist men take care of their women and children. They own up to it. They honor a commitment that they made. And these are the people who get locked up? Why not lock up the jerks that just want to 'get some' and then walk away? Why are those dudes off scott free? NOT FAIR I TELL YA!
The authors made an excellent point about abuse: there is not abuse in all polygamous marriages, the same way that there is not abuse in all monogamous marriages. I don't know why that never occurred to me.
This man did something that was unusual even in the world of polygamy: he dated two women at once. But not like he went on a date with one every other night. He went on dates with both of them at the same time, like a double date minus one dude. That just would not have worked for me. I'll admit it, while I was dating my husband there were a lot of "dates" in which we just made out. Yup, that was the planned activity of the night. Those were good dates. I cannot imagine having to plan out actual dates all the time because you couldn't just make out. It would have been exhausting.
Polygamy by force is something that makes me ill. Polygamy by choice is something that makes me say, "What in the hell?!" I kept looking at the cover as I read this. These women look so stylish and "normal". I've been eyeing everyone I see at the library, Walmart, etc, wondering if these completely normal people have made this seriously drastic lifestyle choice. I kind of want to just randomly ask people, "Excuse me. You look normal, so I was wondering if your husband has more that one wife. If so, could you tell me your thoughts?"
November 8, 2014
This is blatant propaganda. The Jeffs problems are glossed over, but never condemned in as firm a way as I would expect, and Joe brushes it off with supposedly amusing lines about how his wives would never let him look at a younger woman! (Exclamation point his; the book is also a little loose with the exclamation points.)
The 2nd half of the book does show some difficulties of the lifestyle but it was strange. With the structure of the book there isn't enough space to delve deeply into these problems, and they are over in a paragraph. These chapters are lists, but in paragraph form. Most of the space problem is due to each person telling their own versions of the same event. This could have been interesting in the hands of better writers, but here, falls flat.
This book needed a ghost writer, or a better ghost writer, or a better editor.
The 2nd half of the book does show some difficulties of the lifestyle but it was strange. With the structure of the book there isn't enough space to delve deeply into these problems, and they are over in a paragraph. These chapters are lists, but in paragraph form. Most of the space problem is due to each person telling their own versions of the same event. This could have been interesting in the hands of better writers, but here, falls flat.
This book needed a ghost writer, or a better ghost writer, or a better editor.
March 14, 2012
"I was nervous to read this book for a few reasons...One being I am a firm believer in monogamous marriages. Polygamy is absolutely against my religious beliefs. I get uncomfortable even thinking about the concept of polygamy but at the same time, it intrigues me! I cannot fathom sharing my husband with another woman! I don't even like to think about the other girls he dated, loved or even proposed to before he and I were married. How do polygamous women handle sharing their husband? I'm not talking about just in the bedroom (though that would be the most impossible part for me)...how do they share his time, his attention, his income, his love??
There is a show called "Sister Wives" on TLC. My husband and I have watched a few episodes. At first, I could hardly watch yet I could not pull myself away. I was fascinated and wanted to know more about how the women felt. How can they really share one man?! How can they accept a new (and younger) women into the family?! The show basically follows the family around so you see a bit into their daily lives and a little about how the family functions. To be honest, the show seems a bit superficial. I know the family doesn't do the editing, so its not their fault. But still...I don't buy it.
I buy the Darger's story. They seem very sincere and very real. I love hearing their different perspectives! The bedroom is the part that makes me the most uncomfortable when I think about polygamy and I know now why it works for them. They don't talk about it. Ever. Not to each other, not to family members, not in a book they publish, not to their very best girlfriends! It is no one's business but their own and I really respect that they keep it to themselves. If you want to find out what goes on behind closed bedroom doors in a polygamist marriage, you will NOT find it here, which I was actually very grateful for in reading the book. I think I would have lost respect for the family had such "secrets" been disclosed.
When this book came out, a co-worker loaned it to me. We actually know this family! They are amazing! I have never met Joe, but I have met Alina, Vicki, Valerie and several of the children. Before reading the book, I was aware of their religious beliefs. Their beliefs never made me think less of them, or judge them unfairly. To each his own. However, now that I have read their story, I think they are even more amazing than I thought they were before. Am I strong enough to stand up for the things I believe in? Am I willing to risk the law for my religion? Is it fair that I can practice my beliefs openly and without fear while they cannot?
My beliefs will not change after reading this book, but my perspective into theirs certainly has."
There is a show called "Sister Wives" on TLC. My husband and I have watched a few episodes. At first, I could hardly watch yet I could not pull myself away. I was fascinated and wanted to know more about how the women felt. How can they really share one man?! How can they accept a new (and younger) women into the family?! The show basically follows the family around so you see a bit into their daily lives and a little about how the family functions. To be honest, the show seems a bit superficial. I know the family doesn't do the editing, so its not their fault. But still...I don't buy it.
I buy the Darger's story. They seem very sincere and very real. I love hearing their different perspectives! The bedroom is the part that makes me the most uncomfortable when I think about polygamy and I know now why it works for them. They don't talk about it. Ever. Not to each other, not to family members, not in a book they publish, not to their very best girlfriends! It is no one's business but their own and I really respect that they keep it to themselves. If you want to find out what goes on behind closed bedroom doors in a polygamist marriage, you will NOT find it here, which I was actually very grateful for in reading the book. I think I would have lost respect for the family had such "secrets" been disclosed.
When this book came out, a co-worker loaned it to me. We actually know this family! They are amazing! I have never met Joe, but I have met Alina, Vicki, Valerie and several of the children. Before reading the book, I was aware of their religious beliefs. Their beliefs never made me think less of them, or judge them unfairly. To each his own. However, now that I have read their story, I think they are even more amazing than I thought they were before. Am I strong enough to stand up for the things I believe in? Am I willing to risk the law for my religion? Is it fair that I can practice my beliefs openly and without fear while they cannot?
My beliefs will not change after reading this book, but my perspective into theirs certainly has."
September 24, 2011
Utterly fascinating! While I don't necessarily agree with the Dargers' lifestyle choices, (in terms of for myself), I definitely think they have the right to live as they do without threat of persecution. This book was so helpful in giving a glimpse of what their day to day life is like, as well as answering some of the more prurient questions on my mind.
I admire greatly their choices and how the Dargers', individually and as a family, navigate the practical as well as spiritual side to their lives. I must admit, I was surprised by how spiritually focused many of their thoughts were. It never occurred to me that even though a patriarch may have multiple wives, just what types of consequences and pressure that would also entail. I even envy the ways that the wives and husband are constantly assessing their own motivations as well as dealing with their jealousies and minor annoyances of living with three other adults and twenty-three children.
I do not doubt the sincerity of their faith, nor the love they have for each other. I would think that even in the olden Biblical days, that the men with multiple wives would bring their (as in both the men and women) concerns and struggles to God - and why wouldn't God answer them and bring them wisdom?
Again, not the lifestyle for me, but I wish their family the best. I am grateful that they opened up their lives for such inspection and intrusion. If I can be half the parent they are to their kids, I will be happy!
I admire greatly their choices and how the Dargers', individually and as a family, navigate the practical as well as spiritual side to their lives. I must admit, I was surprised by how spiritually focused many of their thoughts were. It never occurred to me that even though a patriarch may have multiple wives, just what types of consequences and pressure that would also entail. I even envy the ways that the wives and husband are constantly assessing their own motivations as well as dealing with their jealousies and minor annoyances of living with three other adults and twenty-three children.
I do not doubt the sincerity of their faith, nor the love they have for each other. I would think that even in the olden Biblical days, that the men with multiple wives would bring their (as in both the men and women) concerns and struggles to God - and why wouldn't God answer them and bring them wisdom?
Again, not the lifestyle for me, but I wish their family the best. I am grateful that they opened up their lives for such inspection and intrusion. If I can be half the parent they are to their kids, I will be happy!
March 31, 2012
Most of my understanding of modern-day polygamy extends to what I hear about the FLDS church on the news and what I observe from the polygamists who dress like pioneers that I see on occasion at the store. It was always my impression that they refused to look at you because they thought you were sinful and they didn't want you influencing their bubble. I'd never thought about this whole different culture of polygamist who keep quiet out of fear of persecution and prosecution.
Just to set the record state, Utah doesn't actively prosecute polygamous families. If there are cases of underage marriages, neglect, and child abuse, then absolutely will the law going to get involved, but between consenting adults, they generally live and let life. As persecuted as the Dargers felt for being investigated for neglect, I think the state had every right to investigate them when the warning signs were there for neglect. Had they not investigated and something else happen, there would be a public outcry.
I took issue with a few statements in the book, mostly with them calling polygamy and celestial marriage one and the same. According to the Mormon faith, celestial marriage means you are married for "time and all eternity," meaning forever, not just until "death do us part." But Fundamentalist Mormons believe it has to do with polygamy, and only when you are living polygamy are you living celestial marriage. They say they claim the Mormon faith even though the Mormon church doesn't claim them, but they conflict on major doctrine. Though they say they don't judge people who decide against polygamy, the book had a bit of a time that they think they are better that they can live the higher law.
Even though there are parts of their story I'm sure we aren't hearing, it was nice to read about a polygamous lifestyle that works. From what little I've seen and read, it seems that most of them don't. They also tend toward poverty, welfare, under education, seclusion, and sometimes extreme living conditions. I liked reading about a family that incorporated their lifestyle into the modern world while standing up for what they believe and living it to the fullest. I don't know that I'd be able to stand so firm when my beliefs were against the law. It made me wonder if I've seen more polygamists than I've realized when so many are integrated into our society.
I did feel some sadness for them, not only for the jealousy and bickering sister wives can experience, but for the loneliness of independence they all feel, especially Joe. In that big and active of a household, while all the interactions must be very rewarding, it's always nice to have that one person in your corner that you know will absolutely have your back, there for you and only you. That one person that late at night you can whisper your deepest fears and secrets in pillow talk and open up to completely, about everything. The Dargers don't have that. Because Joe has that with three women, there's always something held back, from all of them. (I took issue with them continually advocating that they were monogamous. By definition, they are the opposite of it. I understand that they are trying to argue that there aren't relationships outside of the family unit and Joe is faithful to each of his wives, but he's not monogamous by a long shot.)
Polygamy is something that makes most people uncomfortable to see and discuss. It was an eye-opening read to get a look inside one. I kept thinking about about the Dargers when I wasn't reading about them. I could see all the benefits of the support system they have (while it's sad some of the persecution they had to endure, it's nice they have such a network of support at home to deal with it) but then I'd get thinking about it, and I still think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, I respect the Dargers for the sacrifices they've had to make to make their lifestyle work for them and glad that it's been rewarding for them.
Just to set the record state, Utah doesn't actively prosecute polygamous families. If there are cases of underage marriages, neglect, and child abuse, then absolutely will the law going to get involved, but between consenting adults, they generally live and let life. As persecuted as the Dargers felt for being investigated for neglect, I think the state had every right to investigate them when the warning signs were there for neglect. Had they not investigated and something else happen, there would be a public outcry.
I took issue with a few statements in the book, mostly with them calling polygamy and celestial marriage one and the same. According to the Mormon faith, celestial marriage means you are married for "time and all eternity," meaning forever, not just until "death do us part." But Fundamentalist Mormons believe it has to do with polygamy, and only when you are living polygamy are you living celestial marriage. They say they claim the Mormon faith even though the Mormon church doesn't claim them, but they conflict on major doctrine. Though they say they don't judge people who decide against polygamy, the book had a bit of a time that they think they are better that they can live the higher law.
Even though there are parts of their story I'm sure we aren't hearing, it was nice to read about a polygamous lifestyle that works. From what little I've seen and read, it seems that most of them don't. They also tend toward poverty, welfare, under education, seclusion, and sometimes extreme living conditions. I liked reading about a family that incorporated their lifestyle into the modern world while standing up for what they believe and living it to the fullest. I don't know that I'd be able to stand so firm when my beliefs were against the law. It made me wonder if I've seen more polygamists than I've realized when so many are integrated into our society.
I did feel some sadness for them, not only for the jealousy and bickering sister wives can experience, but for the loneliness of independence they all feel, especially Joe. In that big and active of a household, while all the interactions must be very rewarding, it's always nice to have that one person in your corner that you know will absolutely have your back, there for you and only you. That one person that late at night you can whisper your deepest fears and secrets in pillow talk and open up to completely, about everything. The Dargers don't have that. Because Joe has that with three women, there's always something held back, from all of them. (I took issue with them continually advocating that they were monogamous. By definition, they are the opposite of it. I understand that they are trying to argue that there aren't relationships outside of the family unit and Joe is faithful to each of his wives, but he's not monogamous by a long shot.)
Polygamy is something that makes most people uncomfortable to see and discuss. It was an eye-opening read to get a look inside one. I kept thinking about about the Dargers when I wasn't reading about them. I could see all the benefits of the support system they have (while it's sad some of the persecution they had to endure, it's nice they have such a network of support at home to deal with it) but then I'd get thinking about it, and I still think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, I respect the Dargers for the sacrifices they've had to make to make their lifestyle work for them and glad that it's been rewarding for them.
November 14, 2011
Love Times Three is a “somewhat” revealing insider’s look at a modern polygamous family. I emphasize “somewhat” because the Dargers write in such a sheltered, youthful manner that you gain very little from what they are sharing. In fairness, the Dargers are upfront about the purpose of this book, explaining that they are sharing their own experiences to help stifle the misconceptions about the lifestyle—showing the world that not all polygamists are of the Warren Jeffs ilk. In this, they succeed; you will see them as an average American family. Yet, their “sharing” with the reader is so superficial that 80% of the book is the literary equivalent of an old fashioned slide show.
In a lot of ways, this book was a missed opportunity. More than polygamy, this book contained all the elements for being an inspiring essay on women leaning on each other through heartaches, or a volume on the benefits of a strong family, or a call for religious freedom. Yet, their heartaches are glossed over and summed up in a few paragraphs; family ties are just a backdrop; and a call to action is only passively touched upon in the final pages. Their experiences are so passionlessly described that the book is merely a timeline of their lives together. But again, with the authors’ purpose being to show a modern polygamous family in all their average glory, deep emotional connections were outside the scope of the book.
There are many, MANY more books available about the culture of polygamy in America. Some of them put a real face and soul on those who were/are a part of it. Others are more historically based and outline the structure among various sects that practice it. And, to be certain, there are others that are politically driven, advocating for/against legal acceptance. Love Times Three is merely the memoirs of one polygamous family in modern America.
In a lot of ways, this book was a missed opportunity. More than polygamy, this book contained all the elements for being an inspiring essay on women leaning on each other through heartaches, or a volume on the benefits of a strong family, or a call for religious freedom. Yet, their heartaches are glossed over and summed up in a few paragraphs; family ties are just a backdrop; and a call to action is only passively touched upon in the final pages. Their experiences are so passionlessly described that the book is merely a timeline of their lives together. But again, with the authors’ purpose being to show a modern polygamous family in all their average glory, deep emotional connections were outside the scope of the book.
There are many, MANY more books available about the culture of polygamy in America. Some of them put a real face and soul on those who were/are a part of it. Others are more historically based and outline the structure among various sects that practice it. And, to be certain, there are others that are politically driven, advocating for/against legal acceptance. Love Times Three is merely the memoirs of one polygamous family in modern America.
November 2, 2011
Interesting. I felt it was unnecessary to hear the same story from 2 or more points of view, especially because it was impossible to distinguish voices of different people. I often forgot which wife's story I was reading and had to flip back and check.
January 24, 2013
This book has a certain "rubber necking" quality, meaning that like a car crash you pass while driving, you stare and slow down, even though it is wrong. That is how I felt reading this book about a polygamous family - that I had an healthy fascination with the intimate, private details of their life. From a literary perspective, the book is not that well written (thus 3 stars). Each of the three wives and husband (and in one chapter, even a few of their 23 - yes 23 - kids) "trade off" sharing their perspectives about certain issues or life events. I felt like they kept giving laundry lists of their emotions: love, respect, love, understanding, love, etc. It got old, and was a bit mushy. The book does an excellent job, however, of shining a light on their lives as a polygamous family. This book succeeded in providing me some serious moral, ethical, and personal dilemmas. In that way it is a GREAT book.
Personally, I really struggled with two major aspects of their lifestyle. Can I say carbon footprint? With three wives, 23 children, nearly 6,000 square foot house, 10 cars, and 30+ rolls of toilet paper used every WEEK, you cannot deny that this family is doing a number on the environment. Also, polygamy is inherently sexist. It is a male dominated, patriarchal custom. The historical roots are a bit dodgy. Until multiple husbands or sexual relationships among sister wives enters the conversation, I won't sway on this thought.
While I started this book being disgusted at the thought of polygamy, the authors did a wonderful job of challenging my personal perspective. This family is definitely the "poster child" of a healthy polygamous family. They put the Warren Jeffs to shame. The wives are respected, the family is wealthy enough to fully support the kids, they are all well educated, the children seem well adjusted, they don't wear prairie frocks, the kids are given religious and personal freedom to choose their own life paths (read: not Morman and not polygamist), and they openly oppose sexual abuse and forcing young girls to marry. At times, I would substitute "same sex marriage" for polygamy when the family discussed the legal and social challenges they face and the parallels are clear. I openly accept the choice of my polyamorous friends, why not accept polygamy? Sure, its sexist and it is NOT for me, but why should I judge others? In the last chapter, they ask for some changes in Utah and Arizona law to be more accepting of polygamy, and I have to say they are very humble requests - far below the legal status of same sex couples in many states.
Very thought provoking. My longest Goodreads review ever, I think.
Personally, I really struggled with two major aspects of their lifestyle. Can I say carbon footprint? With three wives, 23 children, nearly 6,000 square foot house, 10 cars, and 30+ rolls of toilet paper used every WEEK, you cannot deny that this family is doing a number on the environment. Also, polygamy is inherently sexist. It is a male dominated, patriarchal custom. The historical roots are a bit dodgy. Until multiple husbands or sexual relationships among sister wives enters the conversation, I won't sway on this thought.
While I started this book being disgusted at the thought of polygamy, the authors did a wonderful job of challenging my personal perspective. This family is definitely the "poster child" of a healthy polygamous family. They put the Warren Jeffs to shame. The wives are respected, the family is wealthy enough to fully support the kids, they are all well educated, the children seem well adjusted, they don't wear prairie frocks, the kids are given religious and personal freedom to choose their own life paths (read: not Morman and not polygamist), and they openly oppose sexual abuse and forcing young girls to marry. At times, I would substitute "same sex marriage" for polygamy when the family discussed the legal and social challenges they face and the parallels are clear. I openly accept the choice of my polyamorous friends, why not accept polygamy? Sure, its sexist and it is NOT for me, but why should I judge others? In the last chapter, they ask for some changes in Utah and Arizona law to be more accepting of polygamy, and I have to say they are very humble requests - far below the legal status of same sex couples in many states.
Very thought provoking. My longest Goodreads review ever, I think.
October 9, 2011
While I don't live the way they do, I find their lifestyle fascinating. Choosing to enter into a relationship where you are sharing your spouse with someone else, or multiple other people, would take a very strong religious conviction. But having the really close, supporting help of the other women would be very nice. I thought the book was written well, with different perspectives, was very interesting. It is also nice to see a different side to the regular polygamist news story about underage brides and taking advantage of social programs by fraud.
I hope that the Darger family continues to be able to live their lives in peace, without the threat of prosecution or persecution. I believe the way the law is written in Utah, a man may sleep around and father children all over the place, but if he takes care of the women and children, and he is legally married to someone else, he is braking the law. There seems to be a serious problem with this logic. Although I don't choose to live in this manner, I believe that they should be able to if they choose.
I hope that the Darger family continues to be able to live their lives in peace, without the threat of prosecution or persecution. I believe the way the law is written in Utah, a man may sleep around and father children all over the place, but if he takes care of the women and children, and he is legally married to someone else, he is braking the law. There seems to be a serious problem with this logic. Although I don't choose to live in this manner, I believe that they should be able to if they choose.
March 29, 2016
A very interesting book about a polygamist family. Joe is twenty, and he marries Alina and Vicki on the same day. He courted them together. The book discusses how expensive it is to go into plural marriage. Ten years later he takes a third wife, Vicki's twin sister, Valerie. She is eight months out of a really bad plural marriage. She was 19 or 20 when she married a 44 year-old who already had four wives and lots of children. She had five children with him. But he turned into a jerk and a compulsive gambler. I think Joe and his wives are presented as very loving, Christian people in this book. Are they the 'typical' polygamous family, though? I think probably not. They have 24 children, 23 living. The one who died, Kyra, was five months old and her death triggered an investigation into the family. The wives talk about being 'sister wives' and loving each other, raising each other's children, and trying not to be jealous.
January 16, 2012
What a ridiculous book. Joe of course only sees good in having three wives, and the woman of course love the idea of having best friends always close by. Sure they do. I think they either get into competion in starting the relationship and no one wants to cry uncle or they really are afraid no one could just love them. They sound like a bunch of teenagers. Don't waste your time.
October 16, 2011
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The Darger's are not the perfect family, but neither are they anywhere remotely like Warren Jeffs, the image we all default to when we hear "Polygamous". We all know that the Hendrickson's are a fictional family, but they started to plant the seed that Polygamy is not as criminal as we are led to believe. Then we met the Brown's. And while Kody Brown is NOT the kind of man I would ever want to marry, he obviously loves his family and strives to do right by all of them. Now we have the Darger's and I truly believe that their "version" of Polygamy should not be labeled a crime. Warren Jeffs, yes. Joe Darger and Kody Brown - not even close. Besides, as long as the parties involved are consenting adults, to each their own, right?
The Darger's are not the perfect family, but neither are they anywhere remotely like Warren Jeffs, the image we all default to when we hear "Polygamous". We all know that the Hendrickson's are a fictional family, but they started to plant the seed that Polygamy is not as criminal as we are led to believe. Then we met the Brown's. And while Kody Brown is NOT the kind of man I would ever want to marry, he obviously loves his family and strives to do right by all of them. Now we have the Darger's and I truly believe that their "version" of Polygamy should not be labeled a crime. Warren Jeffs, yes. Joe Darger and Kody Brown - not even close. Besides, as long as the parties involved are consenting adults, to each their own, right?
August 31, 2016
This story could have been much much better with a better writer or a fair editor -- each of the spouses tells his/her own story -- but since the three women are a oousin and twin sisters there's way more overlap than is needed -- especially in the sections about when the husband, the first twin and the cousin were courting -- they all told their own story an then the other twin told it too, since she was watching it unfold.
Too bad. I'm sure these are plain ordinary, normal people with a story to tell. They just didn't get it done very well here.
Too bad. I'm sure these are plain ordinary, normal people with a story to tell. They just didn't get it done very well here.
May 19, 2024
Did anyone else read this with Tichia? (She made it even more entertaining!) The beginning and the end of the book were a little dull, but the middle of the book had a really interesting experience and perspective on polygamy. I'm not surprised this family was so influential in decriminalizing polygamy in Utah.
March 23, 2017
While well written, it's hard to get past the misogynistic dogma behind the religious group that drives this 'lifestyle'
As people, the Dargers are all interesting and likeable. However, the portrayal them being some kind of martyrs because of their beliefs is not something I buy (this was a library loan book)
I'm not going to congratulate them for 'making it work' nor am I going to condemn them for pursuing a 'lifestyle' that they grew up in.
As people, the Dargers are all interesting and likeable. However, the portrayal them being some kind of martyrs because of their beliefs is not something I buy (this was a library loan book)
I'm not going to congratulate them for 'making it work' nor am I going to condemn them for pursuing a 'lifestyle' that they grew up in.
October 2, 2025
It’s interesting to see how they make this work . Personally I think the women are getting a bad deal, but as long as it is their choice and they are not forced into under age marriage, I think they should have the right to if they want.
January 29, 2021
interesting, if you are interested in the topic.
March 6, 2018
I just finished this book. It is an insiders look at a "modern" polygamist family. Very interesting. I have to admit I liked the book and read it super fast. I think it would be a fantastic book club selection. SO.MUCH.TO.DISCUSS.
Polygamy is not something I have ever really wanted to think about let alone read about. I am LDS and I get annoyed by people who think that people who are LDS practice polygamy...we do not. We haven't for over 100 years and anyone who does is excommunicated. But still it is there...lurking in the past. That said, my Great-Great Grandfather was a polygamist and I am a descendant of one of his plural wives, Jane. (After reading her life history it didn't sound like she was a happy plural wife but that it was a sacrifice that she made.) So while this practice makes me truly uncomfortable, I still am curious about how in the world people subscribe to and practice this lifestyle...especially in our day and age.
I have never seen the TV show Big Love that was inspired by this family because it was about...you know...polygamy and I was sure it was filled with all kinds of fallacies about the Mormon Church. But, somehow, I did start watching the train wreck that is the TV show Sister Wives. It is infinitely more intriguing to watch a show about actual polygamists than watch actors pretending to be polygamists. Every time I watch Sister Wives I think that they are crazy!! (and I really think they are) This family, though, the Dargers seem so much more intelligent and normal. They are able to articulate why they live this way and why it is important to them to shed light on this particular practice. They feel compelled to bring it out of the dark and dispel the myths so that people will know that it is only a very tiny population of practicing polygamists who are the Warren Jeffs of the world and that they too (the Dargers and most all other Fundamentalists) are appalled and repelled by his actions and crimes.
I guess that was what was so interesting to me. Hearing these seemingly normal people (not living in a compound somewhere in a long dress, french braids, and being child brides) talk about their beliefs in a way that made me have a deeper understanding of their choice of lifestyle and how it works for them.
I found their day to day logistics fascinating. I loved learning how they run their household, raise their children, buy their groceries, coordinate three families integrated into one large family in one large house. I feel like I can barely do all I need to do taking care of four kids and one husband and here they are throwing in homeschooling, religious instruction, running a business, educating the world about polygamy, serving in their community, and helping the state of Utah work with polygamous families, getting 24 kids to various extracurricular activities, and grinding their own wheat and making 7 loaves of bread a day. Hello? How? They explain it all which was very satisfying.
They are also very open about honest about things that are hard. They talk very candidly about the difficulties and struggles they have had to overcome. Jealousy, persecution, wayward children, prejudice, dealing with the state, and particularly standing up for what they believe even when it is in complete opposition with the rest of the world. Unlike the Browns of Sister Wives that come off as somewhat false...don't tell me that Janelle is a happy wife. No way. I don't buy it. But...I do buy the Darger's story. I think they are sincere. Hearing all four of their different perspectives including the perspectives of their three oldest children was interesting and compelling. I found myself liking and caring about this family.
I do feel sad for them though. It has to be a lonely lifestyle even in mainstream society and surrounded by wives and children. To never be able to give yourself fully to one person and have that one person give themselves fully to you is very sad. Joe has to be the loneliest person of all. I was surprised to feel so much empathy for this family (and Joe) but I did and I do.
I found this book to be unusual and affecting. It gave me a different perspective on polygamy and those who practice it.
My Rating: Good
Polygamy is not something I have ever really wanted to think about let alone read about. I am LDS and I get annoyed by people who think that people who are LDS practice polygamy...we do not. We haven't for over 100 years and anyone who does is excommunicated. But still it is there...lurking in the past. That said, my Great-Great Grandfather was a polygamist and I am a descendant of one of his plural wives, Jane. (After reading her life history it didn't sound like she was a happy plural wife but that it was a sacrifice that she made.) So while this practice makes me truly uncomfortable, I still am curious about how in the world people subscribe to and practice this lifestyle...especially in our day and age.
I have never seen the TV show Big Love that was inspired by this family because it was about...you know...polygamy and I was sure it was filled with all kinds of fallacies about the Mormon Church. But, somehow, I did start watching the train wreck that is the TV show Sister Wives. It is infinitely more intriguing to watch a show about actual polygamists than watch actors pretending to be polygamists. Every time I watch Sister Wives I think that they are crazy!! (and I really think they are) This family, though, the Dargers seem so much more intelligent and normal. They are able to articulate why they live this way and why it is important to them to shed light on this particular practice. They feel compelled to bring it out of the dark and dispel the myths so that people will know that it is only a very tiny population of practicing polygamists who are the Warren Jeffs of the world and that they too (the Dargers and most all other Fundamentalists) are appalled and repelled by his actions and crimes.
I guess that was what was so interesting to me. Hearing these seemingly normal people (not living in a compound somewhere in a long dress, french braids, and being child brides) talk about their beliefs in a way that made me have a deeper understanding of their choice of lifestyle and how it works for them.
I found their day to day logistics fascinating. I loved learning how they run their household, raise their children, buy their groceries, coordinate three families integrated into one large family in one large house. I feel like I can barely do all I need to do taking care of four kids and one husband and here they are throwing in homeschooling, religious instruction, running a business, educating the world about polygamy, serving in their community, and helping the state of Utah work with polygamous families, getting 24 kids to various extracurricular activities, and grinding their own wheat and making 7 loaves of bread a day. Hello? How? They explain it all which was very satisfying.
They are also very open about honest about things that are hard. They talk very candidly about the difficulties and struggles they have had to overcome. Jealousy, persecution, wayward children, prejudice, dealing with the state, and particularly standing up for what they believe even when it is in complete opposition with the rest of the world. Unlike the Browns of Sister Wives that come off as somewhat false...don't tell me that Janelle is a happy wife. No way. I don't buy it. But...I do buy the Darger's story. I think they are sincere. Hearing all four of their different perspectives including the perspectives of their three oldest children was interesting and compelling. I found myself liking and caring about this family.
I do feel sad for them though. It has to be a lonely lifestyle even in mainstream society and surrounded by wives and children. To never be able to give yourself fully to one person and have that one person give themselves fully to you is very sad. Joe has to be the loneliest person of all. I was surprised to feel so much empathy for this family (and Joe) but I did and I do.
I found this book to be unusual and affecting. It gave me a different perspective on polygamy and those who practice it.
My Rating: Good
June 11, 2012
Most of my understanding of modern-day polygamy extends to what I hear about the FLDS church on the news and what I observe from the polygamists who dress like pioneers that I see on occasion at the store. It was always my impression that they refused to look at you because they thought you were sinful and they didn't want you influencing their bubble. I'd never thought about this whole different culture of polygamist who keep quiet out of fear of persecution and prosecution. Just to set the record state, Utah doesn't actively prosecute polygamous families. If there are cases of underage marriages, neglect, and child abuse, then absolutely will the law going to get involved, but between consenting adults, they generally live and let life. As persecuted as the Dargers felt for being investigated for neglect, I think the state had every right to investigate them when the warning signs were there for neglect. Had they not investigated and something else happen, there would be a public outcry. I took issue with a few statements in the book, mostly with them calling polygamy and celestial marriage one and the same. According to the Mormon faith, celestial marriage means you are married for "time and all eternity," meaning forever, not just until "death do us part." But Fundamentalist Mormons believe it has to do with polygamy, and only when you are living polygamy are you living celestial marriage. They say they claim the Mormon faith even though the Mormon church doesn't claim them, but they conflict on major doctrine. Though they say they don't judge people who decide against polygamy, the book had a bit of a time that they think they are better that they can live the higher law. Even though there are parts of their story I'm sure we aren't hearing, it was nice to read about a polygamous lifestyle that works. From what little I've seen and read, it seems that most of them don't. They also tend toward poverty, welfare, under education, seclusion, and sometimes extreme living conditions(view spoiler). I liked reading about a family that incorporated their lifestyle into the modern world while standing up for what they believe and living it to the fullest. I don't know that I'd be able to stand so firm when my beliefs were against the law. It made me wonder if I've seen more polygamists than I've realized when so many are integrated into our society. I did feel some sadness for them, not only for the jealousy and bickering sister wives can experience, but for the loneliness of independence they all feel, especially Joe. In that big and active of a household, while all the interactions must be very rewarding, it's always nice to have that one person in your corner that you know will absolutely have your back, there for you and only you. That one person that late at night you can whisper your deepest fears and secrets in pillow talk and open up to completely, about everything. The Dargers don't have that. Because Joe has that with three women, there's always something held back, from all of them. (I took issue with them continually advocating that they were monogamous. By definition, they are the opposite of it. I understand that they are trying to argue that there aren't relationships outside of the family unit and Joe is faithful to each of his wives, but he's not monogamous by a long shot.) Polygamy is something that makes most people uncomfortable to see and discuss. It was an eye-opening read to get a look inside one. I kept thinking about about the Dargers when I wasn't reading about them. I could see all the benefits of the support system they have (while it's sad some of the persecution they had to endure, it's nice they have such a network of support at home to deal with it) but then I'd get thinking about it, and I still think the disadvantages outweigh the advantages. However, I respect the Dargers for the sacrifices they've had to make to make their lifestyle work for them and glad that it's been rewarding for them.
December 28, 2011
In a time when polygyny (men taking on multiple wives) is so misunderstood, the Darger family makes it seem as American as Apple Pie!
This memoir follows the Darger Family through their creation, good times, bad times, and statistics about modern polygonous families. The Dargers do set-out with clarifying myths about polygyny, especially in how they differentiate themselves from Warren Jeffs. Statistically, 60% of men take on two wives, 20% have three, and 10% have four. These numbers do indicate that their is a little room for outliers. And in fact, there are many men with only one wife as they outwait their revelation from God about their next wife. More importantly, under-age marriages are not the norm. The different sects that do support these phenonenoms are mentioned.
Interestingly, this memoir follows the Dargers through their every day lives and how they juggle everyday tasks with two-dozen children. The Dargers discuss the difficulties of living this lifestyle with jealous emotions, but they also discuss why they choose to live this way: it's a spiritual lifestyle which requires you to set aside your emotions such that you can focus on God.
So their memoir brings up the question. These are consenting adults who have created a loving, healthy environment for their children. How can we criticize when we idolize such people as Hugh Hefner who exploits his girlfriends, and elect adultrous representatives to government who continually lie? And more incredulously, how can we sanctinize Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage and not recognize the heard work and dedication put through by these four? Really.
Now are all men as committed as Joe Darger? NO. And therein lies the problem. Perhaps the laws need to be altered such that they moreso accomodate this lifestyle, but regulates the eccentricities such as underage marriage? Do we as Americans need to help with insurance, welfare, and paternal claims to this lifestyle though? Absolutely. Do we need to agree with all aspects? No. But that is what America stands for - diversity.
This memoir follows the Darger Family through their creation, good times, bad times, and statistics about modern polygonous families. The Dargers do set-out with clarifying myths about polygyny, especially in how they differentiate themselves from Warren Jeffs. Statistically, 60% of men take on two wives, 20% have three, and 10% have four. These numbers do indicate that their is a little room for outliers. And in fact, there are many men with only one wife as they outwait their revelation from God about their next wife. More importantly, under-age marriages are not the norm. The different sects that do support these phenonenoms are mentioned.
Interestingly, this memoir follows the Dargers through their every day lives and how they juggle everyday tasks with two-dozen children. The Dargers discuss the difficulties of living this lifestyle with jealous emotions, but they also discuss why they choose to live this way: it's a spiritual lifestyle which requires you to set aside your emotions such that you can focus on God.
So their memoir brings up the question. These are consenting adults who have created a loving, healthy environment for their children. How can we criticize when we idolize such people as Hugh Hefner who exploits his girlfriends, and elect adultrous representatives to government who continually lie? And more incredulously, how can we sanctinize Kim Kardashian's 72 day marriage and not recognize the heard work and dedication put through by these four? Really.
Now are all men as committed as Joe Darger? NO. And therein lies the problem. Perhaps the laws need to be altered such that they moreso accomodate this lifestyle, but regulates the eccentricities such as underage marriage? Do we as Americans need to help with insurance, welfare, and paternal claims to this lifestyle though? Absolutely. Do we need to agree with all aspects? No. But that is what America stands for - diversity.
June 22, 2012
This book was suggested to me while I was reading "Sister Wives" by the Brown family. Just like with that book, I enjoyed this book a lot, too. I have long been curious about modern polygamy, so it was really interesting to read.
I liked this book better than the one written by the Browns, because this one was more forthcoming and honest about the stuff we "regular" people REALLY want to know. You know, all those questions that make us look like prying jerks if we actually ask them. At the same time they covered a lot of other stuff too that really provides an insight into how they live, and takes away the mystery that can lead to a negative view of them. This book also included a few chapters by some of the older children about what it was like to be children in that type of family, which I appreciated as well.
Overall, a good book. I gave it one more star than the Brown book because this one was written better and had more information, and I would consider it an excellent book for anyone that wants to learn more about this lifestyle.
I would say you do need to have an interest or curiosity about polygamy, though, or this book (and the other one) would probably be pretty boring to you.
I liked this book better than the one written by the Browns, because this one was more forthcoming and honest about the stuff we "regular" people REALLY want to know. You know, all those questions that make us look like prying jerks if we actually ask them. At the same time they covered a lot of other stuff too that really provides an insight into how they live, and takes away the mystery that can lead to a negative view of them. This book also included a few chapters by some of the older children about what it was like to be children in that type of family, which I appreciated as well.
Overall, a good book. I gave it one more star than the Brown book because this one was written better and had more information, and I would consider it an excellent book for anyone that wants to learn more about this lifestyle.
I would say you do need to have an interest or curiosity about polygamy, though, or this book (and the other one) would probably be pretty boring to you.
October 17, 2011
I'm addicted to Big Love and Sister Wives, so I knew I had to read this.
While I personally don't really understand polygamy and having sister wives, I can't pretend like I am not utterly fascinated by it. The TLC reality show Sister Wives is currently one of my biggest guilty pleasures. The whole thing is just kind of mind-boggling to me. Especially in this family where Joe married Alina and Vicki on the same day, and then 10 years later married Vicki's twin sister Val!
I found this to be a quick, fun read. I liked that the wives provided most of the insight to the plural marriages, as I feel (arguably) that they have the hardest role. It even included a chapter from the 3 oldest kids, which was a nice surprise.
All in all, I'm glad I read it. And it was interesting to find out that Big Love was based on this family! I would give it 3.5 stars, but I'll round up.
While I personally don't really understand polygamy and having sister wives, I can't pretend like I am not utterly fascinated by it. The TLC reality show Sister Wives is currently one of my biggest guilty pleasures. The whole thing is just kind of mind-boggling to me. Especially in this family where Joe married Alina and Vicki on the same day, and then 10 years later married Vicki's twin sister Val!
I found this to be a quick, fun read. I liked that the wives provided most of the insight to the plural marriages, as I feel (arguably) that they have the hardest role. It even included a chapter from the 3 oldest kids, which was a nice surprise.
All in all, I'm glad I read it. And it was interesting to find out that Big Love was based on this family! I would give it 3.5 stars, but I'll round up.
January 3, 2013
Saw this group on Dr. Phil and was very impressed with how articulate they were. I was curious to learn more. I thoroughly enjoyed the book and spent several hours reading it from start to end. I must say that the reality of their relationship bore no resemblance to what my initial impression was when I thought of polygamy. They have exceptionally high morals and values and are raising children who seem very well grounded as well. They follow teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, but have chosen not to stop practicing polygamy as the mainstream LDS church did when federal law changed to mandate that it cease. They have a strong argument for why polygamy should be decriminalized. After reading their book, I must agree. The life style seems to work very well for them and is probably healthier than most monogamous relationships. I applaud them for coming forward and putting another face to polygamy. Not all polygamists are like Warren Jeffs and his FLDS group.
September 22, 2011
This was an excellent book. For me, I really enjoyed the differing perspectives of the adults, even when they overlapped. I especially enjoyed their telling of Vicki's first date with Joe and how she perceived what happened versus how he perceived it. Ultimately it was an embarrassing experience for them both but because they ultimately married, they can laugh at it now. They also are honest in sharing their feelings of jealousy, some of their challenges and growing pains as the first two women dated Joe at the same time, literally. They dated as a threesome, and married at the same time, too. Valerie joined the family later, but I was fascinated that this family came together in such a way, and also that the first three adults have been married to each other from the very beginning.
March 6, 2017
This book is a memoir of a plural family living in Utah. Joe Dargar has three wives, two of which are twin sisters. The novel is the story of their lives and how they came together.
I enjoy reading memoirs, especially when they highlight lifestyles different from my own. The Dargars did a great job of advocating for tolerance and acceptance of polygamous marriage and to help dispell sterotypes and misconceptions.
Although not a relationship I would choose for myself I understand why they made their choices. My only hesitations is in reference to their children. There are twenty five of them and I do wonder how you can financial and emotional support all of them the way they should be but I guess they adjust.
I enjoy reading memoirs, especially when they highlight lifestyles different from my own. The Dargars did a great job of advocating for tolerance and acceptance of polygamous marriage and to help dispell sterotypes and misconceptions.
Although not a relationship I would choose for myself I understand why they made their choices. My only hesitations is in reference to their children. There are twenty five of them and I do wonder how you can financial and emotional support all of them the way they should be but I guess they adjust.
February 11, 2012
I've seen the Dargers on Oprah and Dr. Phil so I was intrigued by their book.
Really great book! They seem like such a nice, caring family that I just feel like, bless your hearts. They're trying to raise decent, hardworking kids who are responsible, sensitive, and open minded.
God love em. I couldn't sweetly share my husband but I understand why they do and why they prefer it.
In comparison to so many weaselly guys in the world who cheat on wives and have kids all over town, I can't imagine condemning this or any family similar to theirs. Vastly different from abusive cults under the guise of religion, the Dargers seem like some really great folks.
Really great book! They seem like such a nice, caring family that I just feel like, bless your hearts. They're trying to raise decent, hardworking kids who are responsible, sensitive, and open minded.
God love em. I couldn't sweetly share my husband but I understand why they do and why they prefer it.
In comparison to so many weaselly guys in the world who cheat on wives and have kids all over town, I can't imagine condemning this or any family similar to theirs. Vastly different from abusive cults under the guise of religion, the Dargers seem like some really great folks.
June 27, 2013
I went all-in for Big Love and so I couldn't put this down, despite the format. All four participants in the marriage give their perspectives on major events in their family, which makes it perilously close to boring times three. Like most relationships that don't have mainstream cultural models, they are very intentional about their relationship. Despite hewing very closely to traditional gender roles (seriously, I never want to read another book that contains the term "honey-do list"), their attitudes toward parenting and each other are refreshingly pragmatic and respectful. Still rather watch Big Love.
September 8, 2011
From a family that inspired Big Love’s story of Bill Henrickson and his three wives, this first-ever memoir of a polygamous family captures the extraordinary workings of a unique family dynamic, and argues for the acceptance of plural marriage as an alternative lifestyle. Readers of Carolyn Jessop’s Escape, Elissa Wall’s Stolen Innocence, and James McGreevey’s Confession, as well as fans of shows like Big Love and Sister Wives, will be enthralled by the first groundbreaking book in praise of polygamy.
November 14, 2011
I have an open mind about most things, more so than my husband or family members but I just can't wrap my head around this... The more I got into the book I was facinated by the use of the words "religion" and "love for my wife".. I believe that marriage should be with 1 woman and 1 man, however am coming to accept 2 women marrying or 2 men because they are still monogamous. They aren't having multiple partners and/or 20 - 30 children.. I guess it's their way of life, and just because I think it's wrong doesn't make it so.
March 14, 2012
Can't go wrong with a book about polygamy. But this one wasn't my favorite. WHile they seem like a likeable family it was annoying that they left out the important parts of their life and the difficulties of polygamy. You know the stuff everyone is interested in. THey didn't touch too much on the subjects of jealousy and intimacy and it left a lot lacking because it just wasnt a full portrayal of what their life must be like. And the dad looks way too much like Jack Black.
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