Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control

by Allan E. Mallinger, Jeannette De Wyze

For many of us, perfectionism can bring life's most desired rewards. But when the obsessive need for perfection and control gets in the way of our professional and emotional lives, the cost becomes too high. Although many of us appear cool and confident on the outside, inside we are in emotional turmoil, trying to satisfy everyone, attempting to direct the future, and feeling that we are failing.
In TOO PERFECT, Dr. Allan Mallinger draws on twenty years of research and observations from his private practice to show how perfectionism can sap energy, complicate even the simplest decisions, and take the enjoyment out of life. For workaholics or neat freaks, for anyone who fears change or making mistakes, needs rigid rules, is excessively frugal or obstinate, TOO PERFECT offers revealing self-tests, fascinating case histories, and practical strategies to help us overcome obsessiveness and reclaim our right to happiness.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Health, Personal Development, Productivity

224 pages, Paperback

First published February 18, 1992

Reviews

[Choukri AOUSSAR · Rating 4 out of 5]

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER
I’d like to make more mistakes next time. I’d relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I’ve been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I’d have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I’m one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than I have.

A fear of making errors
a fear of making a wrong decision or choice
a strong devotion to work
a need for order or firmly established routine
frugality
a need to know and follow the rules
emotional guardedness
a tendency to be stubborn or oppositional
a heightened sensitivity to being pressured or controlled by others
an inclination to worry, ruminate, or doubt
a need to be above criticism—moral, professional, or personal
cautiousness
a chronic inner pressure to use every minute productively

[Emily Briano · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very insightful and enlightening for someone like me who certainly has obsessive and perfectionistic tendencies. The most useful insights were about the hidden workaholic, demand-sensitivity, being a thinkoholic, and many others. Some of the suggested CBT activities were a little contrived but all in all, a very helpful book.

[Szymon · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars but I'm willing to rate this as 5.

Some parts of this book have been painfully accurate for me. However naive you may think it sounds, for all those years I felt that some 'obsessive' behaviours are unique to me, just because I had not known person behaving in a similar way.

This book helped me to better understand and balance which behaviours can be qualified as 'normal' and healthy and which should be perceived as destructive. It's a first step on a long way out of perfectionism and towards more balanced and happy life.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is so to the point to anyone who OCPD or some symptoms of OCPD. It made me see clearer how my own thinking gets in the way of my happiness and not external factors. I will read it again and try to come up with practises to rewire my brain myself. There was some advice in the book how to change, but not extensive. However, the author did an amazing job describing how obsessives think and approach live which makes you naturally come up with ways how to change that. 10 starts!!!:)

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

Certain chapters of this book didn't speak to me much at all; other resonated so clearly that I was a little uncomfortable reading them. In addition to outlining various forms of perfectionism (and the self-sabotage that often accompanies it) De Wyze also provides a few simple suggestions on increasing awareness of these tendencies, and overcoming them.

[Lech Jankovski · Rating 5 out of 5]

THE BOOK for struggling perfectionists! Apparently it’s all about obsession, not about perfection.

While reading the book I was laughing in disbelief at how accurate my experiences are written down by a professional - it felt as if I was reading my own reflections and notes from the future, just WOW!

Just reading it once without taking any notes feels like cheating - two weeks in and I already feel progress climbing out of my own pit, what a relief!

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Full disclosure, I got a quarter of the way in, and the author was *still* just giving anecdotes about what perfectionists like me do, and precisely zero tools for how to change it. I'm already familiar with the problem, that's why I'm here. Moving on.

[Abby · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well, the first read of the year is a self help book. How cliche. I read this on suggestion of my therapist and found myself laughing at loud at how many sentences in the book reminded me of things I have told her. Even though the edition I read is over 30 years old, I found it very readable and the only dated bits had to do with technology, not ideology. It has a good balance of concrete advice and analysis. I am planning to attempt a few of the suggestions that fit best and may update this when I have an opinion on them.

[Brandon · Rating 5 out of 5]

An unlikely but transformative read for me.
I read this book during the latter stages of my graduate training and it helped me to better understand my own behaviors and the behaviors of my colleagues.

[J · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was written before I was born and unfortunately, and at times, uncomfortably, describes me to a T. I hope some of these suggestions will help me combat some of the psychological problems which plague me due to my perfectionist and obsessive personality.

[Irene Hervás · Rating 3 out of 5]

Me mantengo un poco reacia en cuanto a los libros de autoayuda, pero si lo lees con conocimiento de la causa, te ayuda a ponerle nombre a algunas actitudes de tu día a día.

[Jen Woodrum · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a helpful book for learning about obsessive personality traits. It gives a lot of insight about patterns and tendencies, and it had some helpful strategies for intervention. I wished there was more information about best practices for treatment and strategies to make change!

[Aileen · Rating 4 out of 5]

like holding up a mirror

[Samra · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has honestly become one of my favorite “self-help” books of all time and I think it deserves SO much more hype. I will say that I do wish that it focused a little bit more on the “how to work on/fix this” aspect instead of just the “what is this” aspect. Overall though, I highly recommend this book — especially if you consider yourself a perfectionist!

[Cecilia Young · Rating 5 out of 5]

Like reading an autobiography 😳

[Kelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is another one where I had 10% or so left and finally came back to it on my "finish all the books!" flight last month.

It was a super useful book for me, which I sought out last year when I needed a resource to help pull me out of an anxiety spiral. I just googled "OCPD books" and this one looked the most promising despite its age. (It was first published in the early '90s, so if being referred to as "the obsessive" is offputting, maybe give this one a pass.) Chapter 5 was particularly strong. I hadn't heard the terms "demand resistance" or "demand sensitivity" before, other than in an economic context (ex: price sensitivity of demand). Seeing someone put words to a phenomenon I've experienced always makes me feel a bit less alone or ashamed and a little more hopeful because I understand something new about myself.

It was interesting to come back to this one now that I've started The Perfectionist's Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power, which is far more asset-based and doesn't blanket pathologize perfectionism in the way this book does. I'm getting value from both and it feels like they are in conversation with each other, which is a fun way to tease apart my own tangled thinking on the subject.

[Maria Regina Paiz · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by a psychologist friend and, to my astonishment and dismay, I found myself reflected on nearly every page. I highlighted so many paragraphs, I’m sure if it were a physical book instead of a digital version, it would drip yellow ink. The book talks about obsessiveness: the need to feel in control. There is a self-test of 25 questions at the beginning of the book, and again I was appalled to find that I answered YES to all except four.

This book was an eye-opener for me, and helped me understand many aspects of my personality and the types of fears behind them, which move me to act or react in specific ways. It gave me many insights, which is a good first step towards being able to work to fix (or relax) them. What was missing from this book, however, were solutions... though I now understand that my need to have and understand all the answers, is a form of control as well. Also, most of this work must be done with the help of a therapist.

Enlightening and well documented from the co-authors' case studies. I highly recommend it.

[Mandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ok, so this is a GREAT book if you think your a little obsessive (in the clinical sense). I was amazed at how much insight was in it. It really helped me understand some things that I've been struggling with this past year or so. I would highly recommend it for anyone-whether or not it pertains to you directly, you probably know someone that it would.

[CC · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good read about OCPD, something I personally deal with, as do the majority of my immediate family. My only complaint: I wish there were more exercises. This has inspired me to seek out an OCPD workbook.

[Jane · Rating 4 out of 5]

Unfortunately, a lot of this book was cringingly familiar. It was heavy on insights and light on good advice but a lot of it is just being aware that this is something you're doing so you can try to not instead.

[Taryn Blanchard · Rating 5 out of 5]

10 stars.

This book was written for me. Will probably reread over and over. If you are compelled to be perfect and also have a strongly analytical mind, this book may be for you.

[Finlay · Rating 4 out of 5]

Demand-sensitivity is everywhere once you know what to look for.

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Perfectly on point.

[Matt Gets Lit · Rating 5 out of 5]

I borrowed this book from the library. To ensure that I would finish it before its due date, I calculated the number of pages I should read each day, taking into account I would read twice as many pages on weekends.

I am a perfectionist. I have known this since I was a teenager. I don't do first drafts, I stress over making the "perfect" choice in even mundane situations, and I feel physically uncomfortable at the thought of letting go of familiar routines.

There are times when my perfectionism is an asset: examining transaction histories at work, plotting road trip itineraries, and calculating a grocery budget.

"Life is fundamentally unpredictable. ...[I]t is impossible to control every aspect of one's existence." And yet, at my very core, there is a part of me that refuses this truth. My mind is convinced that all I have to do is find the correct formula or the right pattern, and therein I will find predictability and, therefore, safety. All of my perfectionism is an attempt "to guarantee security...through the risks and uncertainties of life."

I know this about myself.

However, this book "shook" me, as the kids say. (I assume. I don't keep up.) While it described all my perfectionist and obsessive traits accurately, starting from the very first page, it also clocked me in areas of my life I had not considered before. Some of the quirks that I just chalked up to my personality actually can be connected to control issues: why I procrastinate, why I'm often running late, why I'm frugal, why I'm guarded, why I react so negatively to a change of plans, why I always feel so busy…

I walked away from this book with several new insights and a few new mantras to help me recognize when my perfectionism is holding me back.

[L. Stephen Wolfe · Rating 5 out of 5]

You’ve probably known people who are obsessive: picky, critical, guarded, overworked yet unable to finish tasks or make simple decisions. These control freaks can be hard to live with even if they are attractive in other ways. They can also be unhappy.
Dr. Al Mallinger has been trying to help such people in his psychiatric practice for decades. Over the years, he has developed a variety of techniques for helping these perfectionists let go of their bad habits and lighten up.
In 1992, with the aid of journalist and medical writer Jeannette De Wyze, Mallinger wrote "Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control," a book designed to help both obsessives and the people who live and work with them. "Too Perfect" has remained in print for nearly 30 years, perhaps because more obsessive people are born every day. The book helped me to learn to live with obsessives I have known, and helped me identify and fix obsessive behaviors in my own life.
In 2020, Tantor Media (a division of Recorded Books) produced the first audiobook version of "Too Perfect," read by co-author Jeannette De Wyze. I hadn’t read it in decades, and decided to give it a listen. De Wyze has a soothing voice. I’d like her to read me a bedtime story. The new version reminded me that obsessiveness can be treated, even cured! It’s worth remembering.

[Marios Gkionis · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think the title of this book does not do a good service to its impressive and useful content.

The authors analyze the manifestations of striving to be in control over one's own life and work with a plethora of striking (but still relatable to many) real examples and shines light into the psyche of obsessive people in general.

This is why I think the title undermines the powerful content of this book. It is not useful only to people who strive to be "Perfect at anything", but to anyone who exhibits obsessive behaviors in one way or another.

That said, I can only rate it ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ and encourage everyone to read it. It is one of those books that can help us develop better understanding of other people, which leads to better empathy, as well as a light of hope and self-understanding for obsessive people.

My only complaint here is the relatively simplistic organization of the book. Considering the complexity of the topic that it analyzes, I would expect a more detailed indexing of suggestions/solutions, properties of obsessive people and a "map" of how those properties manifest in their lives.

[Sunday · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars, rounded down. For its time, it's a really educational book. I was shocked at how specifically the author was able to pin down obsessive behaviors across so many areas. With that being said, some of his reasoning behind these behaviors has been debunked and I found the book as a whole to be lacking in compassion, trauma consideration, and functional advice. For the most part, every chapter boiled down to "you're doing this to yourself, just stop" which isn't very actionable. The best lesson to come from this book was simply that I'm not alone in these seemingly random behaviors and that they stem from fear rather than some evil or unexplainable force. There were definitely a few nuggets of wisdom and practical tips I will take away from this, but I will also keep pursuing other books on the subject to see if I can find something more modern and applicable on the subject of OCPD and Perfectionism.

[Allison · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was my first audiobook that I finished of this year. Although I'm sure it's a bit odd that it took me five months to finish an audiobook, I wanted to really absorb as much as I can.

Boy, was this book a little too close to home. I absolutely struggle with a lot these obsessive tendencies, such as demand sensitivity and emotional guardedness, so hearing about what causes these tendencies and how other people deal with it really hit home with me. I'm okay with the book not having a lot of exercises or anything of the sort since I personally would rather go to a proper therapy session or get a workbook rather than get it from a normal book.

That said, I really do want to get a physical copy of the book so I can use it as a reminder. I think my life would be a lot easier if I didn't strive for perfection and control at all times. Maybe I can be a little too perfect.

[SN · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Preoccupation simple means the inability to give one's full attention to the matter at hand, due to another matter being foremost in one's mind" - Allan E. Mallinger, M.D.

I put off reading this book. I'd pick it up, read 2 pages, and not touch it again for a week. I was procrastinating and deliberately preoccupying myself because reading it meant I had to confront things about my obsessive tendencies that made me uncomfortable; A perfectionistic habit that Dr. Mallinger extensively covers in this book.

Ultimately it ended up being a relief to have some tendencies pointed out and explained, as well as techniques that can be used to overcome them.

4/5 stars simply because there were some chapters I couldn't relate to, though I'm sure others can/will.

[Jochen Deferme · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a perfectionist this book was painfully recognizable. Although the cases in this book are rather extreme I still got a lot out of it: It provided me with the feeling that I'm not the only one that has obsessive character traits (not to be confused with the personality disorder), all the different ways those can manifest itself, that there are worse cases than me, and it gave some simple tips on how to cope with and correct it.
As with any book there is no silver bullet here but it is an excellent starting point for those (and their partners) that feel that their perfectionism is making their life worse instead of better.