Healing Your Emotional Self: A Powerful Program to Help You Raise Your Self-Esteem, Quiet Your Inner Critic, and Overcome Your Shame

by Beverly Engel

Healing Your Emotional Self

"Emotionally abusive parents are indeed toxic parents, and they cause significant damage to their children's self-esteem, self-image, and body image. In this remarkable book, Beverly Engel shares her powerful Mirror Therapy program for helping adult survivors to overcome their shame and self-criticism, become more compassionate and accepting of themselves, and create a more posititve self-image. I strongly recommend it for anyone who was abused or neglected as a child."
--Susan Forward, Ph.D., author of Toxic Parents

"In this book, Beverly Engel documents the wide range of psychological abuses that so many children experience in growing up. Her case examples and personal accounts are poignant and powerful reminders that as adults, many of us are still limited by the defenses we formed when trying to protect ourselves in the face of the painful circumstances we found ourselves in as children. Engle's insightful questionnaires and exercises provide concrete help in the healing process, and her writing style is lively and engaging. This book is destined to positively affect many lives."
--Joyce Catlett, M.A., coauthor of Fear of Intimacy

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship

"Beverly Engel clearly and with caring offers step-by-step strategies to stop emotional abuse . . . helping both victims and abusers to identify the patterns of this painful and traumatic type of abuse."
--Marti Tamm Loring, Ph.D., author of Emotional Abuse

Loving Him without Losing You

"A powerful and practical guide to relationships that every woman should read."
--Barbara De Angelis, Ph.D., author of Are You the One for Me?

Genres: Self Help, Psychology, Nonfiction, Mental Health, Personal Development, Audiobook, Health

272 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 31, 2006

About the author

Beverly Engel has been a psychotherapist for thirty years, specializing in the areas of abuse recovery, relationships, women’s issues and sexuality. She is also the best-selling author of 20 self-help books, many of which have been featured on national television and radio programs (Oprah, CNN, Ricki Lake, Starting Over) as well as national print media (O Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Ladies Home Journal, Redbook, Psychology Today, The Washington Post, The LA Times, and The Chicago Tribune to name a few).

She is considered one of the world’s leading experts on the issue of emotional abuse, as well as a pioneer on the issue, having written one of the first recovery books on the subject (The Emotionally Abused Woman).

Reviews

[Ethan · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't get as much out of this book as I was hoping for. A lot of the information presented here is likely present in any book about childhood trauma or neglect you've read before. I have only read one other such book before this one, but found they shared a lot of information and suggested therapies to help heal said trauma.

A lot of this book rubbed me the wrong way. The author's "program" is called "Mirror Therapy", and it's built up as this transformative, revolutionary program that draws from many other programs to make something entirely new. The reality is, the author is constantly citing other authors of self help literature, and offers little that's new. Her program is a Frankenstein of a bunch of other programs, with a bizarre obsession with mirrors thrown in.

Many of the endless mirror analogies and arguments didn't even make sense to me; I think the author just wanted something unique to try to make her program stand out among the crowd, so she developed a bunch of arguments about mirrors so she could call it "Mirror Therapy". I found some of the mirror analogies helpful, but mostly they were a huge miss for me, and didn't add any value. Further to this point, the exercises involving an actual mirror didn't do anything for me. I didn't find they helped me.

Speaking of exercises, that's my other main gripe about this book. There are way too many exercises. I had been reading this book for just over two months, and was only 60% of the way through, because many of the exercises take a long time to complete, and there are a lot of them. At the 60% mark I just stopped doing them entirely and from that point on only read the main content. I think in the busy world we live in, self help programs need ways of offering people simple exercises where they can see real progress quickly. This isn't that kind of book. It takes months to read, and a lot of time and effort.

Overall, I didn't really enjoy this book. There is definitely some useful information, especially if you've never read a book about childhood neglect or trauma before, but if you have there isn't much value in picking this one up, as you'll probably already know 85% or more of the content.

[Duane · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was recommended to me by my therapist. It was extremely informative and in this regard was helpful, however, more often than not I found myself at odds with authors conclusions, which seem to be primarily dualistic in nature, suggesting that there is a "true self" beyond the traumas one experienced and beneath depression, that there is a personality separate from one's experiences and events. We are nothing other than our material reality.The traumas one experiences is precisely what creates the self. There is no self separate from the trauma, no personality without it. Trauma is a creative force. In this way, the author seems to neglect the biological aspect of depression, failing to recognize the role physiology and neurobiology plays in depression. One must realize that depression is more physical then it is simply emotional or 'mental' and as such there, depression is an irrevocable part of one's biological makeup, it is indispensable from one's neural functionality, and once again there can be no 'self' or 'personality' without it or free from.

[Any Length · Rating 5 out of 5]

Absolutely brilliant. I got the audio version first and even while listening to it I could see the merit of working through the book in detail. I have since ordered the print book for myself and for a dear friend who may also find it helpful. I can highly recommend this book. I am looking forward to all the exercises which I can see will be very helpful.
I will make a commitment to re-visit this book review when I am through the exercises to add my experience with them to it.

Re-read this book in October 2018 still think it's brilliant. However, I suggest the print version. I can't make friends with the audio. The reader's voice grates on me. Will start doing the exercises in this book now, three years after first committing to doing them. More review to come when I am done.

[ANNE · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the best self help books I have read. It really deals with trying to undo damage done in stinky childhood settings. For me, it really hit home and was therapeutic. Great exercises, tough material, opened me up considerably.

[Jana · Rating 4 out of 5]

''Marasmus'' is a term used for children who are deeply deprived of emotional nurturing even though they are physically well cared for, but who fail to thrive and eventually die. Humans learn so much with their skin while being held thus some children/adults rock back and forth to comfort themselves when this vital component is not being met.

Healing your emotional self, is indeed a heavy book to read and work on but it helped me immeasurably because it broadens my professional perspectives.

[Deborah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Self help for letting go of abusive or toxic childhood parental relationships and beginning to heal the self.

[Helen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I used it as a journaling workbook and found it very helpful.

[Cinde · Rating 5 out of 5]

Bravo! Thank You!!
Wrote the assignments down--amazing what the results were! Not what I thought, but good to know!

[Joanna Poppink · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here's my review for Beverly Engel's excellent book: Healing Your Emotional Self.

Periodically I go through my personal and professional library and write reviews for the books I meant to review and still didn't. The good thing about my lateness is that a really good book remains good - what the publishers call a perennial. Plus, a late review reminds readers that a book that's been out for a while can still have powerful value. Beverly Engel's book is definitely a force for healing right now.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/customer-rev...

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book written with compassion by someone who has 'been there' and so can offer insight from both an objective and personal perspective.

[Scout Collins · Rating 5 out of 5]

4.5 stars

The second Beverly Engel book I've read and it did not disappoint! Healing Your Emotional Self helps improve self-esteem and body image through a) understanding what may have caused you to have the issues you have in the first place, and b) providing exercises you can do to help yourself heal (especially good if you don't have a therapist).

The book goes through the seven types of negative parental mirrors (negative parenting choices/styles), mirror therapy, rejecting your parents' negative reflection, emotionally separating from your parents, quieting/countering your inner critic, discovering the real you, *providing to yourself what you missed as a child*, learning to love your body, and a specialized help section based on the parenting in your childhood.

I had already discovered the "provide what you missed from your parents" on my own, but it was validating to see it in this book as well! It seems like quite a helpful technique, at least in my experience already.

Engel writes in a way anyone can understand, explains concepts in a clear way, and I generally feel she is right with almost everything she's said in this book.

I like how she gave personal examples from her own childhood (like in It's Not Your Fault) and showed how she has grown and what has helped her. You can tell Beverly is full of compassion in her writing/tone and genuinely wants to help people and share important knowledge.

There is a focus on shame and overcoming shame in this book, and I appreciated that. Engel has a good grasp on childhood trauma and body image issues.

One thing that wasn't perfect was if you have body image issues unrelated to your parents/siblings/family. I'm sure many people's body image issues stem from/can be worsened by their family, but my experience with this is not related; so I was hoping for a more expanded approach to that. This book was published in 2006 and the beauty standards/conversation has changed a lot since then; society/media is one of the biggest culprits of creating body image issues for entire generations. One day I would like to read a book that addresses the body image issue from multiple causes.

I'm taking detailed notes on this book and found many pages relevant/important/noteworthy. I'm excited to try some of the exercises in more depth.

I would recommend to everyone! If you have self-esteem or body image issues, it wouldn't hurt to pick this book up. You may find useful information, insights or tools to help you change your inner voice and self-esteem. Definitely a worthwhile read. It's a good length as well - 250 pages - so not overwhelming or hard to get through.

[ADelicate · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am finding that reading self help books containing exercises and directions on how to live and behave is kind of challenging for me. One can only do so much inner work I suppose and then one needs a break and time to integrate practices. I think right now I am in the mood for more uplifting phrases and less "dig deep/chip away" exercises. I also want to dive into some work outside of me, and I think i've been focusing too much on my inner world lately which can be intense. Because of this, I did not finish the book. It's too much for me to do a workbook right now. I hear the book is very good for sensitives like me, however.

[Melekwe Anthony · Rating 4 out of 5]

A power program indeed. One thing about this text is the narrative detail regarding why and how people get wounded emotionally. I love the fact that the book gives us examples of emotional breakdowns, flawed judgements and impacts on those mentioned. Real life cases in real life situations influenced by real life factors.
The book focuses on parental control and abuse which shapes the lives of children and their subconscious picture of themselves.
I am in love with this book. Must read again.

[Renee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very detailed information and lots of practical exercises for overcoming feelings of worthlessness and self-hatred. There is a little bit of overlap between this book and Engel's other book 'It Wasn't Your Fault', however this book goes into a lot more detail about linking specific types of abuse in childhood with specific types of behaviours/issues in adulthood. Highly recommend both books.

[Prianka Sameer · Rating 2 out of 5]

FYI: you’re going to potentially feel a lot of anger while reading this, I do NOT recommend this during quarantine at all whatsoever.

This is a great book to recover from a lot of emotional trauma and self image issues for sure, but this is not for you if you’re coming from an Asian immigrant family/are first generation Asian American. Very tailored to American culture.

[Lisa · Rating 3 out of 5]

So far so good.
on location 55/2756
not actual page numbers cuz the kindle is dumb lol

[Elizabeth · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read a little bit of it. I would order it again.

[Denise L. Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Best short and to the point self help book Ive read in a long time. I would rank it in the top 5. Recommend this book before some of the bigger and more in-depth versions.

[Michelle · Rating 2 out of 5]

Stopped on page 63. I was looking for a broader approach that went beyond parental influences.

[Imran Shah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Give yourself all the care which you ever needed!

[Katrina · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a great book! Some of my favorite parts include:
Perfectionism is self-abuse in the highest order.- Ann Wilson Schaefer pg.9

Inadequate, unhealthy parenting can affect the formation of a child's identity, self-concept, and level of self-esteem. Research shows that the single most important factor in determining the amount of self-esteem a child starts out with is his/her parents' style of child-rearing during the first four years of the child's life. When parents are loving, encouraging, and fair-minded, provide proper discipline and set appropriate limits, the children end up being self-confident, self-monitoring, and self-actualized. When parents are neglectful, critical, unfair, and provide harsh discipline and inappropriate limits, the children are insecure and self-critical, and they suffer from low self-esteem. Pg.14

Children who are shamed, humiliated, terrorized, or rejected suffer at least as much as, if not more than, if they had been physically assaulted. Pg.21

Emotional abuse is like water dripping every day on a stone, leaving a depression, eroding the personality by an unrelenting accumulation of incidents that humiliate or ridicule or dismiss. Emotional abuse can feel physical even though no hand has been raised. The perpetrator may seem fragile and pathetic but still be vicious. Childhood emotional abuse can define us when we are young, debilitate us as we grow older, and spread like a virus as we take its phrases and turn them on others. Pg.22

To blame oneself and assume one could have done better or could have prevented an incident is more tolerable than to face the reality of utter helplessness. Pg.23

Although a smothering parent may only be trying to protect her child from harm & disappointment, her attempts may actually emotionally cripple the child later in life, causing him to fear venturing out on his own or trying new things. If a child identifies with his parents' overprotective attitude he will live his life in fear, doomed to being an underachiever. If he is unable to take risks out of fear of getting hurt, he will never experience the joy of accomplishment and the pride of reaching his potential. This will inevitably cause him to feel like a failure and to suffer from low self-esteem. Pg.46

Because their parents’ needs cancel out their own, adult children of smothering or possessive parents are often unable to discover what their own needs are, and many grow up to passively accept even unacceptable behavior instead of asserting themselves. Many who were smothered in this way end up also being controlled by their partners or other significant people in their lives. Pg. 47

Too much control breaks a child's spirit and fracture his psyche. It can cause a splintering of self, causing a child to disown some parts of himself and to inflate others. Pg.49

People raised by perfectionistic parents tend to suffer from the following problems: • A sense that they are valued for what they do instead of for who they are (doing versus being) • A tendency to be self-critical, never satisfied with themselves or their performance • A tendency to doubt themselves and to second-guess • An inability to identify and express their emotions • Compulsive behaviors (extreme dieting, overexercising, excessive cleaning) • Depression
their self-esteem is usually very low, and they have little faith in their own abilities. They are often overwhelmed with anxiety whenever they have to perform in any way, and this sets them up for failure.

[Sarah saied]

أقرأ حاليا هذا الكتاب بترجمة عظيمة من إصدارات دار العبيكان للنشر والتوزيع، بعنوان (مداواة جراحك النفسية والعاطفية) وسأشارك بعض مقتطفات استوقفتني في الكتاب، لعلها تحرض أي قارئ مهتم بهذه الموضوعات بقراءته.
ولمن قرأ كتاب the adult children of emotionally immature parents وأعجبه، هذا الكتاب حتما سيلقى اهتمامه.

* خلال سنوات من الممارسة والدراسة، لاحظت الكاتبة والأخصائية النفسية بيفرلي إنجل سبعة أنماط شائعة من المرايا الأبوية السلبية، وتشمل هذه المرايا:
1. مرآة (أنا لا يمكن أن أُحب): عندما يكون الوالدان مهملين، أو ليس لديهما وقت لطفلهما، فإنهما يرسلان الرسالة أن الطفل غير مرغوب فيه، أو لا يمكن حبه.
2. مرآة (أنا بلا قيمة): عندما يكون الأطفال مهجورين جسديًّا أو عاطفيًّا من قِبل والديهم، فالرسالة التي يتلقونها هي أن لا قيمة لهم.
3. مرآة (أنا لا شيء من دون والديَّ): عندما يكون الوالدان مفرطين في حماية أطفالهما، أو يحاصرانهم عاطفيًّا، فإنهما يرسلان رسالة مفادها أن أطفالهما لا حول لهم ولا قوة من دونهما.
4. مرآة (أنا عاجز): عندما يفرط الآباء في السيطرة أو الاستبداد، فإنهم يجعلون أطفالهم يشعرون بالعجز.
5. مرآة (أنا لست بخير أبدًا): عندما ينشد الوالدان الكمال/ المثالية، فإنهما يبعثان برسالة لأولادهما مفادها أنهم بلا قيمة إن لم يرتقوا لتوقعات والديهم، و هو أمر نادر إن لم يكن مستحيلًا.
6. مرآة (أنا سيئ) أو (أنا غير مقبول): عندما يستخدم الوالدان كلمات بذيئة، أو يكونان شديدي الانتقاد، أو شديدي السخرية، فالرسالة التي يرسلانها إلى طفلهما هي أنه سيئ أو غير مقبول.
7. مرآة (أنا لا يهمني): عندما يكون الأبوان مفرطي الانغماس في ملذاتهما الشخصية أو نرجسيين، فإن الرسالة التي يرسلانها لأطفالهما هي أن احتياجاتهم ليست مهمة، ولا يكترثان بها.

والمقصود هنا بالمرايا، هو الصورة الذاتية التي تكونت داخل الأشخاص الذين تعرضوا للإساءة العاطفية من الأبوين، وذلك انعكاسا واعتمادا على نوع وشكل الإساءة الأبوية.

* إن صورة جسمك/ جسدك والطريقة التي تشعر بها، وتهتم بجسمك، هي أجزاء أساسية من شعورك العام بقيمة الذات ومستوى احترامها، وإن كل العمل الذي ستقوم به في هذا الكتاب سيساعدك على رفع مستوى احترام الذات، ولكننا سنركز في هذا الفصل على صورة جسمك، وسنبدأ بمساعدتك على أن تصبح أكثر وعيًا بصورة جسمك، ومن أين أتت أفكارك عن جسمك، وسنركز لاحقًا في الكتاب على كيفية إجراء تحسينات دائمة، ومهمة لصورة جسمك.
صورة الجسد هي النظرة أو التصور الذي لديك عن مظهرك المادي، ما هي الأشياء التي تعتقد أنها تنتمي لك، وما هي الأشياء التي تعتقد أنها تنتمي إلى الآخرين، وبالنسبة إلى كثير من الناس، فإن تدني احترام الذات سببه صورة سلبية لصورة الجسد، بينما بالنسبة إلى الآخرين، يأتي تدني احترام الذات أولًا، وتتأتى صورة الجسم السلبية عنه.
غالبًا ما تعكس أجسادنا ما نشعر به تجاه أنفسنا، وماذا يقوله جسدك عنك؟ ما هي الطرق التي يعكس بها إحساسك العام قيمةَ ذاتك؟ هل يقول جسدك: «أشعر بالرضا بنفسي حقًّا» أم أنه يقول: «أشعر حقًّا بلا قيمة تجاه نفسي؟».
إضافة إلى ما تشعر به حيال نفسك، فإن جسدك هو انعكاس لأشياء أخرى كثيرة بما في ذلك:
• ما مدى شعورك بالأمان في العالم؟
مستوى صحتك العاطفية و / أو الجسدية.
• كيف تم الاعتناء بك جسديًّا، وعاطفيًّا عندما كنت طفلًا.
• الرسائل التي ينقلها والداك بشأن كمال الجسد.
• الرسائل التي وجهها لك والداك حول العناية الذاتية.
• الرسائل التي تلقيتها من والديك (وآخرين) حول شعورهم تجاه جسدك.

* ينزع الأشخاص الذين يعانون من مشكلات تتعلق باحترام الذات، وصورة الجسد، ونقد الذات إلى الوقوع في فئتين رئيستين - المهووسين والمتجنبين - ويميلون إلى التعامل مع المرآة بطرق مختلفة جدًّا. وينشغل المهووسون بالطريقة التي يبدون بها، ويميلون إلى النظر في المرآة كثيرًا، إن لم يكن دائمًا، ويدققون في ملامح وجههم، وشعرهم وبشرتهم، وهم مهووسون بأي جزء من الجسم يشعرون أنه سمين جدًّا، أو نحيف جدًّا، أو طويل جدًّا، أو قصير جدًّا، أو معوج جدًّا، وعندما يرتدون ملابسهم، فهم مهووسون إن كانت الملابس تبدو جيدة عليهم، وطوال اليوم يقومون بالنظر في المرآة؛ للتأكد إن كان مظهرهم يبدو مقبولًا.
وقد ينظر المتجنبون مدة وجيزة في المرآة عندما يرتدون ملابسهم، أو بضع دقائق في اليوم كله؛ للتأكد من أن شعرهم أو مكياجهم على ما يرام، وإلا فنادرًا ما ينظرون في المرآة، وينظر كثير من المتجنبين في المرآة دون النظر حقًّا - فقط لمحة سريعة؛ للتأكد من أن ملابسهم متطابقة أو أن أحمر شفاههم على ما يرام - ولكنهم يتجنبون النظر بتمعن، وقد يكون سبب تجنب المرآة هذا هو رفضهم الأساسي لمظهرهم، ولهذا السبب فهو مؤلم بالنسبة إليهم النظر إلى أنفسهم، ويشعر آخرون بقبح سريرتهم، لدرجة أنهم يرون فقط القبح عندما ينظرون في المرآة، بغض النظر عن جاذبيتهم في حقيقة الأمر.

*إذا كان لديك تدنٍّ في احترام الذات، وصورة جسم ضعيفة و/ أو تميل إلى النقد الذاتي، فإن الصورة التي تراها في المرآة تعكس، في أغلب الأحيان، كيف نظر إليك والداك ومقدمو realpage0083الرعاية الأساسيون الآخرون، وغالبًا ما تجعلنا تجارب الأبوة والأمومة السلبية نرى أنفسنا بعدسات مشوهة، فعندما يكون الآباء غافلين، أو غاضبين، أو منغمسين في ملذاتهم، فإن المرآة التي يضعونها أمام أطفالهم تعكس رؤية مشوهة للواقع، وعندما يكونون مفرطي النقد، أو معيرين لأطفالهم، أو يسيئون لهم لفظيًّا، فإن الأطفال يرون صورة مشوهة وغير واقعية عن أنفسهم، وإن الأمر أشبه ما يكون بالنظر إلى نفسك في قاعة المرايا الممتعة، فلا يمكنك رؤية نفسك بدقة حقيقة؛ لأن المرآة نفسها مشوهة، ولسوء الحظ، ليس لدى الأطفال طريقة لمعرفة أن الصورة التي يرونها مشوهة، ومن ثم يصلون للاعتقاد بأن الانعكاس حقيقيٌّ.

[Mahlangu · Rating 4 out of 5]

An amazing book on emotions. The author speaks to those whose childhood experiences have affected their adulthood. Beverly speaks to how we can change the negative impacts on one's upbringing.

This is great book on getting in touch with your emotions; by looking deep within ourselves, we can deal with our core beliefs and change our lives.

[Christina · Rating 2 out of 5]

can’t talk here email me

jokes aside, i broadly think the self-help genre is some woo-woo bullshit but i guess emotions are also woo-woo. i don’t think these are exactly the problems i have, and i’m pretty 🤨 about psychotherapy’s insistence that everything goes back to your childhood + sometimes i wonder if we’re all just pathologizing ourselves, but some good takeaways for me here — particularly in the vein that therapy & self-reflection often stumble upon truths (air quotes) that are so duh obvious in retrospect but the power is really in internalizing & truly believing these mantras. specifically: you can feel feelings in your body & you can be nice to yourself & you are worthy.

[Vincentjones · Rating 4 out of 5]

"the primary audience for this book is survivors of emotional abuse and neglect"
but I still learned many things:
how to talk with your body parts and thanks them
how to know your feeling and needs
I realized my mom was too busy to care about me enough

Exercise in this books are very practical and valuable.

-----
12/27/2011
I could not believe that I've read this book before. It is not practical at all and I am not the target reader of this book.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent book! She describes emotional abuse behaviors, and reveals the seven types of negative parental mirrors. For example, the child of a narcissistic parent receives the mirror, "Your needs don't matter" and describes the ways that this occurs, and how the abused child's self image is affected. I got this book from the library, but I copied down several of the exercises, and plan on working with them. Highly recommended!

[Jessica · Rating 1 out of 5]

Claims to have invented a form of therapy she calls mirror therapy. Everything she explains however comes strait from the basics of psychodynamic and cognitive behavoural therapy. The book will give you a clearer image of why you might be suffering from low selfesteem etc. but the exercises are insufficient.

[Chungwon Lee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Emotionally Neglected

It provides good guidelines to recover from childhood emotional neglect. I was able to learn how to start my recovery.

[Jonathan Bergh · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very helpful.

[Zari St Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

If you wanna check yourself before you reck yourself. This will get you together!