The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships

by Patrick J. Carnes

Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds--chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, incest and child abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiations, kidnapping, professional exploitation and religious abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationships share one they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power. In The Betrayal Bond Patrick Carnes presents an in-depth study of these relationships, why they form, who is most susceptible, and how they become so powerful. He shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred and gives a checklist for examining relationships. He then provides steps to safely extricate from these relationships. This is a book you will turn to again and again for inspiration and insight, while professionals will find it an invaluable reference work.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Nonfiction, Relationships, Mental Health, Abuse, Health

293 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 1, 1997

About the author

Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an internationally known authority and speaker on addiction and recovery issues. He has authored over twenty books including the bestselling titles Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, Facing the Shadow, Betrayal Bond, Don’t Call It Love, A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps and The Gentle Path through the Twelve Principles.

Dr. Carnes’ research provides the architecture for the “task model” of treating addictions that is used by thousands of therapists worldwide and many well-known treatment centers, residential facilities, and hospitals. He founded IITAP (International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals), which provides CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) training and certification as well as cutting-edge information for addiction professionals. Dr. Carnes currently serves as a Senior Fellow and Executive Director for the Gentle Path Program at The Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona.

Reviews

[O.M. Grey · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is one of the most important books I have ever read. It showed me that what I thought was just normal behavior my entire life was clearly emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.

For years I have struggled with depression and anxiety, diagnosed with label after label that never quite fit. The labels explained some symptoms, but not others.

Then, after reading this book and doing a very eye-opening chart within, I realized just how much abuse I had endured every since childhood. It laid the groundwork for me to discover the underlying cause of all my emotional struggle: chronic PTSD from a lifetime of abuse.

PTSD is cumulative, especially when it is not treated.

I've written extensively on these topics on my blog:
http://omgrey.wordpress.com/2011/05/1...
http://omgrey.wordpress.com/2012/04/1...

If you struggle with depression, anxiety, self-injury, suicidal ideation, or any other similar symptoms, please read this book. You might find the foundation of your issues within. Then, healing can truly begin.

[Travel Writing · Rating 4 out of 5]

Excellent book.

Favorite line:
Loyalty to that which does not work, or worse, to a person who is toxic, exploitive or destructive to you, is a form of insanity. (Loc. 134 Kindle)

[jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a well-written and accessible account of the trauma bond, or betrayal bond, that humans are prone to due to our trust and need to connect with others.

I got this book to better understand the commercially sexually exploited youth I work with; how they can become so attached to the people to exploit them and give them so little. The book very clearly makes sense of how this mechanism occurs and the many different forms it can take.

I especially liked the different interactive aspects of the book and will be using them in groups to facilitate discussions and support the kiddos as they work to let go of the intense bond. It's amazing to witness the bond in action, with someone being so aware of an unhealthy bond, but unable to let go emotionally. I think it's hard to fathom if you haven't been there, but this book comes close to translating the process and experience.

Very well done, as are all resources I've had coming from The Meadows.

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

I felt dizzy and nauseas the entire time I was reading this...and I highly, highly recommend it.

[Paul · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's worth reading if you're in any kind of troubled relationship, or for that matter if you've only been told that you are. Read and decide for yourself. I copied out this list of maxims for living from near the end of the book:

-Admit the hard things about yourself.
-Tell others the hard things they must hear, clearly.
-Mislead no one.
-Do not lead a secret life.
-Abandon false fronts and false pride.
-Be clear about your intent.
-Tell the truth.
-Do not hide from difficult moments.
-Give up being _nice_ all the time.
-State your needs and desires without shame.
-Do not cover or lie for anyone.

It will be painful getting there from here, but I console myself with the awareness that I have already made a great deal of progress. I have friends I can actually tell the truth about myself. I can do the same with my father and brother (my mother is dead).

[Bill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book a tremendous guide to my own growth path. The distortions between intensity and intimacy can become so clouded by a misguided upbringing. Dr. Carnes sheds a lot of light on the darkness that comes from such distortions and with some study, discussion and the help of therapeutic work, the clouds soon vanish and the light of Truth shines through. There are many other facets to the book too, so get it and dive in the deep end. The cleansing water is great.

[Sheila · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have had to read this book in small increments because it is incredibly triggering and raw. It is the only book that has managed to clearly define and explain what happened to me over the four year exploitive, sexually and physically assaultive, relationship I found myself in. The only book that helped explain my rage and impotence watching his believers blindly defend him, even after his public confession, as he laughed behind closed doors at their blind allegiance.i learned about myself and how I was bonded so blindly as well and I've forgiven myself because of this book and its exercises. I've shared it with the ladies at my Victims group as well. It is a powerful, must read for anyone who finds themselves defending a monster then suddenly discarded by the very monster they were groomed to protect. A potential life saver.

[Killthehumans Savetheforest · Rating 3 out of 5]

"Figuring out what you do not want forces you to determine what you do want. That means, you have to know who you are and then value yourself enough to mean what you say. An old Buddhist saying suggests that to say no means you have to know what yes is. That process forms a sense of self, which is precisely what was lost in the trauma bond."

[Jennifer Jones · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was hoping this book would address “minor” betrayals rather than focusing almost exclusively on highly abusive situations, but I did find the information presented interesting.

[Kavish · Rating 3 out of 5]

Essential Reading (Despite the Victim-Blaming Side Effects)

This book is a bitter pill. It’s loaded with a frustrating dose of victim-blaming, but unfortunately, if you want to understand trauma bond you have to read it. So, hold your nose and swallow it. I advise all victims to read this, even if it makes you want to throw the book across the room occasionally.

Here is the hard truth: Most people get trapped because they are woefully naive about the reality of evil. We want to believe everyone is good deep down. They aren't.

You need two things to survive: a close relationship with God and a high-definition radar for malice. Even the most faithful can get eaten alive if they don’t know what a demon in a human suit looks like.

Sometimes you're just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but ignorance is no longer a valid defense strategy. You must learn to fight back.

If you want to learn the ropes without the offensive guilt trip, chase this book with Shahida Arabi’s The highly sensitive Person's guide to dealing with toxic People. she is actually empathetic and understands the game. also pick up Fuel : What Makes the Narcissist Function?
and The art of war: survivor edition to round out your arsenal.

[Sarah · Rating 2 out of 5]

Wow. Yes. I can definitely see where others reviewed this as victim blaming. While there might be some helpful nuggets here this man has clearly not worked closely with survivors of SA. To purport that they don’t come forward because they’re “bonded” to their perpetrator completely disregards the abuse in the system. Less than 1% of perps see the inside of prison and as we know from the Brock turner case, jail time can be as pathetic as 3 months. So in addition to attending to their own mental health, a survivor has to to through a SANE exam (often referred to as the “second rape”, intense interrogation by police who rarely bring charges, and if they do the survivor then has to go through a ruthless interrogation by the defense attorney whose only job is to drag them through the mud for the 1% chance their assaulter will be taken off the street for less time than they have to monitor themselves for STIs they might have gotten from the assaults. Yeah. Really worth it. Definitely they don’t prosecute because of a “bond” (insert eye roll)

[Sarah Goodner · Rating 4 out of 5]

There's a reason that it took me nearly 3 years to finish this book. It is NOT an easy read. You can sit in your most comfortable chair, and it will still feel like you're dancing on nails while you read.

Patrick Carnes is the guru, where sex, love, and relationships are involved. His work is dipped deeply into the pool of recovery. It actually made me feel pretty good about myself to read this. After 30+ years of therapy and 12 years of recovery, I might finally get it. There were no surprises for me here. I know what my patterns are, where they stem from, and what to watch for. Am I healed? Not by a long shot. But I get a little better every day. If you are at the very bottom of everything in your life and still have strength enough to try and claw yourself back up, pick up this book, do the exercises with a therapist, and get well soon.

[Patricia · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was amazing. Anyone that deals with betrayal must read this. It provides insight into the dynamics of relationships and how we as individuals allow others to continue on with unloving ways.
Not only insight but tools to enable individuals to face realities of relationships and what these relationships do & how they add negatives or positives to ones well-being and the reality of what love really is and really isn't.

[Jacqui · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone who has experienced trauma or abuse should read this. Everyone who is unhappy constantly or having a lot of turmoil in their lives should read this. People who have not experienced any of this should read this as well - they may gain an understanding of what it can do to someone and might be able to help someone or avoid it in their future. This is one of the most important books on shelves today.

[Sebastian Gil · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s all about the boundaries and understanding that the source of all the abuse which happens to you is your own feeling of self importance and uniqueness.

[Shawn Lowe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this book is helpful for anyone recovering from any type of trauma bond. Recovery takes an intense amount of focus and work.

[Andria · Rating 2 out of 5]

So I thought this recording was of the 2019 revised edition. It is not! There is currently no audio version of the revision. This appears to be a recording of the 1997 original and boy does this read like a psychology self-help book from that era. Definitely explains a lot of the qualms I had with the book. I thought the opening and closing sections were strong, particularly the first chapter describing the different trauma responses. But the bulk of the text alternates between describing victims of trauma bonding as devoid of agency and control over their behaviors, akin to a substance abuser (also an outdated view of addiction!), and then as being somehow responsible for their own predicament because they are allegedly drawn to abusers. While trauma repetition and trauma bonds are real phenomena, it just seems like an unnecessarily victim-blaming approach. Abuse victims would not exist in the absence of abusers, full stop, and the vast majority do not in fact go looking for an abuser. Clearly many have found this work empowering despite its presuppositions and perhaps the revised edition clears up some of these contradictions. Not quite the overview I was looking for however.

[Monica Willyard Moen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a compassionate, I opening book about how trauma and betrayal can bond us to a person, even though the relationship is destructive and abusive. Think of the Peanuts comic strip and cartoon where Luci always convinces Charlie Brown that she really will hold the football for him to kick this time, that he can trust her, and she won't let him down. He trusts her and tries to kick the football. Then she mocks him and taunts him, telling him why she shouldn't be trusted and why he was a loser to fall for it. That is an example of one type of betrayal bond. Along with clear explanations of how trauma works in our lives, the book contains several practical and powerful exercises to help you determine how trauma may have affected some of your relationships in the past or present. You may find this book to be helpful if you have had a relationship with a person who either was abusive or dealt with one or more addictions during the relationship.

[Anamaria · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic book about exploitive relationships ( we are not talking here only about romantic relationships).
The author teaches us to adress the cause (trauma) and to explore our belief about the world because of trauma.
The book includes exercises, which is a great way to discover ourselves.
I loved it and I learned a lot about myself and the way I interact with people.
I certainly will choose better and have a better attitude.

[Ashe Magalhaes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Worth reading with interesting stories, helpful for promoting relationships based on mutuality and respect. Lots of overlapping points with other literature; could have benefited from extending examples to walkthrough how victims (vs victimizers and rescuers) could have better set boundaries or disentangled themselves.

[Joy Chen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked the exercises in this book and liked how it compared trauma bonding to addiction.

But the examples were quite repetitive and focused on religious trauma which didn’t apply to me. I wish it had more scientific facts and less examples. The book also could’ve been written in a more succinct way - I ended up skipping through most of it.

[Bridgett · Rating 4 out of 5]

I could relate well to this book, having created numerous "betrayal bonds" in my life. I learned some new perspectives and ways of getting over my addictions to certain people/idealistic versions of people I invent.

[Sheri Robinson · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you are trapped in a violent relationship that you can't escape or have recently escaped this is the book for you. Carnes breakes down the horrific cycle of abuse and has the recipe of getting out, staying out and understanding what the hell went wrong.

[Vincent · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel like this should be required reading for all adults. I've recommended this books to friends, transcribed some of the more salient passages, journaled out some things, and am still contemplating a re-read in the near future.

[Autumn Stars · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is an excellent read!! It took me almost 2 months to read it. I had to take breaks because I would have flashbacks about the abuse I endured. This book made me look closely at my wounds. Once again...EXCELLENT READ!

[Inna · Rating 5 out of 5]

get ready to face the reality

This is a tough book. A slow read. Get ready to face the reality of your self and your life, and your circumstances, and people that surround you. The only one who can bring change into your life is you. But it’s worth it.

[Betsy · Rating 2 out of 5]

I cried like a baby when I saw myself in these pages.

[Mehdi Beheshti · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book

Highly recommend this book. It’s a great tool for therapists and for anyone who wants to heal from their trauma and betrayal bonds.

[Michaela Shortt · Rating 5 out of 5]

A great insight

Thank you for opening my eyes to a bad relationship and helping me to move on. Not without sadness but with the strength and insight that I needed.

[Melody Council · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really insightful