Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis

by James C. Dobson

You've forgiven a thousand times. You've bent over backwards to make your partner feel loved and accepted. But the only reward for your loyalty has been anger, indifference, infidelity, or abuse. Your spouse may even be ready to walk out the door. Do you feel like all is lost? Are you ready to give up? There IS still hope. Dr. James Dobson's “tough love” principles have proven to be uniquely valuable and effective. Unlike most approaches to marriage crisis, the strategy in this groundbreaking classic does not require the willing cooperation of both spouses. Love Must Be Tough offers the guidance that gives you the best chance of rekindling romance, renewing your relationship, and drawing your partner back into your arms.

Genres: Marriage, Christian, Relationships, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Parenting

268 pages, Kindle Edition

First published November 1, 1983

About the author

A licensed psychologist and marriage, family, and child counselor, Dr. James Dobson was a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. For 14 years Dr. Dobson was an associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California School of Medicine, and he served for 17 years on the attending staff of Children's Hospital Los Angeles in the Division of Child Development and Medical Genetics. He earned a Ph.D. from the University of Southern California (1967) in the field of child development.

He was the author of more than 50 books, including The New Dare to Discipline, The New Strong-Willed Child, When God Doesn't Make Sense, Night Light: A Devotional for Couples, Bringing Up Boys, and the New York Times bestseller Bringing Up Girls .

Heavily involved in influencing governmental policies related to the family, Dr. Dobson was appointed by President Ronald Reagan to the National Advisory Commission to the Office of Juvenile Justice and Delinquency Prevention. He also served on the Attorney General's Advisory Board on Missing and Exploited Children, the Department of Health and Human Services' Panel on Teen Pregnancy Prevention, and the Commission on Child and Family Welfare. He was elected in 2008 to the National Radio Hall of Fame, and in 2009 received the Ronald Reagan Lifetime Achievement Award.

Reviews

[Carolyn F. · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book saved my marriage (well and the tapes to the radio program where he talked about this book too). Things you must not do: 1) Cry and ask what you can do to stop them from leaving, messing around, ignoring you. Stay strong. You can cry when you're alone, but do not cry in front of your spouse! 2) Do not make them stay, make them leave. Do not try to live in the same house. It won't work. You'll just be miserable and their life won't have changed at all. 3) Do not yell and scream. Another stay strong. You must act like you are totally fine with the relationship ending. You've done all you can do and if it's not working out, it's not working out. 4) Do not rush out and file divorce papers. Wait at least 6 months. Act civil and above it all whenever you're around your spouse. 5) Stay busy or at least look busy. Call all your friends and tell them they have to get you out of the house. Have your spouse babysit. Even if you're only going to library, your spouse doesn't need to know that, they just need to think you're moving on.

I at first was a yelling, screaming, begging, crying mess. Then a friend sent me the book and tapes. I did everything James Dobson said and my husband started thinking that he may have lost me completely - which was good because he almost did. Then finally I was the one making relationship decisions. This was over 15 years ago and we had a much better marriage after our split (approximately 6 months long).

[Ashleigh Harris · Rating 5 out of 5]

My boss loaned me this book that she read when she was going through her divorce. I wondered what in the world she was loaning it to me for. I'm not married, or anywhere near it, so I completely didn't understand. It sat on my bookshelf for a long time until I eventually decided I would just read the introduction so I could return it and say that I at least gave it a chance. However, this book was great! As I discovered in the intro, it is a book that is good for relationships in general, not just for marriages in crisis. I also think that, after having read this book, if I encounter any of these problems when I am married, I might better know how to handle them. I loved the format of real-life letters included and then Dr. Dobson's commentary. I feel his advice was not what I expected, but was practical and he well justified why he counseled his patients to react certain ways to problems. For example, if your spouse seemed as though he/she was becoming less interested in you, instead of smothering them with your affections, back off, get a life, and give them a little space. They will inevitably rediscover their interest in you. I put this to the test with my boyfriend at the time and it worked like a charm. It was funny too. We do these things when we're dating, but often forget them after being in relationships. It was a great read with very practical advice.

[Araseli · Rating 5 out of 5]

Although this book didn't save my marriage, it did save myself from the self-pitty and the depression that I was in. It made me look at my marriage and open my eyes on what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do to atleast salvage our friendship. My husband and I finally divorced and although it was the toughest ordeal that I had to live, I learned and I moved on. We share a beautiful daughter that was grown up to be a shinning star. I've also learned to be my ex-husband's friend. He now tells me that he regrets everything that he did to hurt me and our marriage. He realized what he had and wishes that things were different. You know what they say...you don't know what you have until you loose it. And he lost me a very long time ago...I've moved on. I did however pass on the book to several of my friend that did manage to save their marriage and that right there did it's purpose!! Execellent book...totally a 5-star rating for me.

[Steve · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could give this more than 5 stars I would.

I hear people misuse the phrase "tough love" to apply to being mean spirited. That's not what this is about. It's about not loosing your dignity and individuality in the name of love for another person. It is very disappointing when your spouse makes choices to follow their own selfish, self-centered pleasures and desires, and disregards any respect for you and the virtues of a loving relationship. Appeasement is not the answer, but unfortunately is most often the response many people take. This is where Love Must Be Tough and take a stand.

[Crista Huff · Rating 1 out of 5]

I have read the "tough love" approach, and the "compassionate approach", to dealing with difficult relationships.

Here's my take on it: if you can stand to permanently let the person go, then I suppose the "tough love" approach will be a way to distance yourself from the current mess and its emotions, and not risk much in doing so. The relationship may or may not heal.

If you cannot stand the idea of being without the person, then definitely go with the "compassionate approach". The relationship may or may not heal, but at least if they leave permanently, it won't be because you pushed them away. If they return with a change of heart, they will remember how much you loved them and stood by them during the troubled times. I think that can only be good.

This book covers the "tough love approach".

[Geokowgurl · Rating 5 out of 5]

WOW!! What a great book!! I wish I could give it a 10 star rating! This is a must read for all people in a marriage or getting ready to start a marriage, preferably BEFORE they need it! I hadn't ever heard of this book until I was in dire need of it and a friend recommended it to me. I started reading Chapter 1 on the internet and was SO comforted by it, I bought it. I have now read it twice and have gained something new both times. To everyone out there struggling with infidelity in a marriage remember...LOVE MUST BE TOUGH!

[Sheila Gregoire · Rating 5 out of 5]

In Love Must Be Tough, Dobson asks the question, “what do you do when only one person wants to save a marriage?” As a counselor, he says, he’s used to seeing couples. Two people walk into his counseling room, and they start talking about their issues.

Yet Dobson was finding that this model wasn’t really helpful to many people, because in most cases when a marriage goes sour, only one person wants to save it. The other seems content to let it go.

So what do you do if you’re the spouse who wants to save the relationship, and your spouse is having an affair, or is heavily addicted to porn, or is doing something else that is completely destructive to the relationship?

Dobson walks you through a process of “waking the other spouse up”, showing them the consequences of their actions. Most people, he says, when confronted with a wayward spouse, panic and try to bend over backwards, thinking that if they’re just nice enough, and if they’re just forgiving enough, and if they’re just sexy enough, the spouse will return. Actually, says Dobson, the exact opposite is true. Becoming a doormat is not going to save your marriage. Allowing your spouse to experience the repercussions of their actions and be jolted into doing the right thing is a better course of action.

And it’s also better for you spiritually. So he shows you how to rely on God during this time, how to make wise decisions for you and the kids, and how to leave the door open so that reconciliation is not only possible, but far more probable than if you turn yourself inside out for a cheating spouse. And if reconciliation doesn’t happen, you’re still in a stronger place with God, and you’re able to move forward.

A great book if you’re the one being treated horribly in your marriage.

[Monica Willyard Moen · Rating 5 out of 5]

This isn’t the kind of book you want to need. Yet if you need it, this is a wise, compassionate, hopeful book that can help a hurting, bewildered spouse who is in a marriage that is coming apart. Many spouses flounder with overwhelming feelings of rejection, loneliness, fear, and the lack of respect. Worse yet, some churches blame the spouse if the marriage is coming apart or tell them to keep praying and keep a stiff upper lip while things are going on. When I read this book, it felt like a first aide kit that help me stop the bleeding, bandage my wounds, and come up with a game plan to heal in a godly way. I learned how some of my behavior encouraged my ex-husband to treat me with a lack of respect that ultimately led to the unraveling of our marriage. Most importantly, I learned how to figure out which things I could control, how to handle those things, and how to handle the things I couldn’t control as well. I found out that if I let him, God has strong arms that can carry me through difficult places. My marriage could not be saved because there were issues of physical abuse that would not go away. However, I learned skills from this book that has helped me have a very happy marriage now. I am thankful for what I’ve learned. I have read this book 4 times now, and I learned something new from it each time.

[Jeff Williams · Rating 5 out of 5]

Ever been dumped? Ever been through a divorce, or know someone who can't seem to get over one? Read this book or give it to that person. By far, the best book for the hurting ex-wife/husband/boyfriend/girlfriend. It gives you the tools to move on with your life and be even better than you ever thought you were. Dr. Dobson, you knocked it out of the park, sir.

[Wendy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this a very useful book, but there are parts of it that have to be ignored (ie the parts where you with tough love you stop your husband from being gay....)

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

excellent advise to the weaker partner in a failing relationship

[readergirl · Rating 4 out of 5]

VERY interesting book that teaches a lot about human nature.

[Kevin Sartain · Rating 4 out of 5]

When you must truly be tough because you truly love, this book will help you stand strong. Surprisingly raw from Dobson.

[Becki]

Dr. Dobson�s best seller from 1983 republished in 1996.\n\nI read this book upon a recommendation and with the understanding that the �marriage crisis� Dr. Dobson focuses on primarily is adultery but that the �tough love� principles outlines can apply to really any situation. And after reading it I find that to be very valid.\n\nSuccessful marriages are not about lovey, dovey gooey feelings (I�ve always known that). It comes down to respect and knowing your boundaries. And I�ll be honest � while I have known my boundaries I have not enforced them. They have been trampled all over on a regular basis. So this was a good wake up call to me that if things are going to change I need to change and be �tough� in my love.\n\nDr. Dobson does not in any way recommend divorce but does stress the value of a separation so the other person can think on and decide what they truly want.\n\nAlso, as I was reading I realized that affairs aren�t just with another man or woman. We as humans have love affairs with all sorts of things that can tear down our marriages � work, children, video games, etc. The affair takes place when we get our priorities out of balance and it is no longer God, spouse, etc.\n\nThe book also talks about �tough love� in other relationships and in good marriages as well. I�m sure it will be one I revisit from time to time.\n\nQuote to Take Away: Forgiveness is surrendering my right to hurt you for hurting me. ~Archibald Hart\n

[Alana · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this in 2013 after being devastated when my husband of only two years decided he no longer wanted to be married (to me). It was exactly what I needed at the time: a book from a Christian perspective that allowed me to fight tooth and nail for my marriage and do everything I possibly could to save it...and be ok and able to let it go when my husband still chose not to pursue our marriage. I do not view this as a failure or that following the book did not produce results; to the contrary, Dobson says multiple times that there is no guarantee the other person will chose to come back and to work out the marriage. In my case, he didn't. But, doing everything within my power to do what I could ultimately allowed me to let it go and feel that I could not have done more, therefore I was free to move on from the marriage once my former spouse left it entirely. More than anything, it empowered me to have strength to get up every day and know that one way or the other, it would work out for my own life, and that my choices are ultimately my own, even if my life circumstances can change in only a moment.

[Kalena · Rating 3 out of 5]

Christian non-fiction/marriage--honestly cannot remember if I have read anything else by this author...sorry. It was difficult for me to feel comfortable with the overall tone of the book although there is nothing I significantly disagreed with. I felt like most of the book did not apply to personal situations because it primarily dealt with infidelity. There are also general statements about marriage/divorce and a section on other issues, like abuse or addiction. This was not the most helpful book I have read on marriage although I believe you can always learn something from every book you read.

[Lynette · Rating 4 out of 5]

It had some valuable information for marriages most specifically, but even how to deal in some difficult relationships and how to maintain your self-respect in the middle of those tough spots.

Most of the book was about infidelity, so I skimmed it as that wasn't a concern for me, but it did help me understand how loosing respect on either side can contribute to terrible breakdowns and how one person can take a stand and really change the course.

[Annie Stefanova · Rating 5 out of 5]

Започнах да чета тази книга с идеята, че мога да получа повече яснота за това какво означава да си непоколебим в принципите си и да обичаш истински в същото време във сферата на взаимоотношенията като цяло.
Тази книга е и за това (осъзнах това достигайки до финала й), но е и много повече.
С неповторимата си деликатност д-р Добсън дава повече светлина, повече истина и повече надежда както на семействата в трудност, така и на хората, които сме около тях, както и на цялото ни общество като цяло.
Понякога не говорим за тези трудности, понякога говорим много, но правим малко, понякога получаваме неправилните съвети и не проверяваме, понякога се предаваме преди дори да сме опитали.
Както казва и д-р Добсън: опитахме се да решаваме и живеем като сме модерни- очевидно това не дава много добри резултати. Нека да пробваме да се върнем към изконните и истинни ценности и морал. Няма да загубим нищо в опита си, мисля, че бихме могли само да спечелим.

[Rebecca · Rating 4 out of 5]

Several friends read this book and commented about how good it was so I checked out a copy from the library and read it. I have a lot of respect for James Dobson. I like the way he thinks and I agree with his philosophy of "tough love". It goes along with my acquired understanding, thanks to Henry Cloud and John Townsend, about boundaries. Truth compliments truth no matter where you find it.

[Dasha · Rating 5 out of 5]

I'm not married, but thought this was a good read as it opened up my eyes to some of the things that go on in a marriage. a nice book filled with practical advice. i think i can avoid some problems in the future having read this preampliary book. also i like that the author wrote in a way that was engaging and never dull.

[Laura Dulski · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book gave me my self respect back and literally save my marriage. It gave me step by step instructions of what I had to do. The advice seems counterintuitive, but everything Dr Dobson predicted would occur if his advice was followed did in fact occur. If you find yourself in the terrible situation infidelity in your marriage, this book can help you turn it around.

[Irene · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was one of the hardest and one of the best books on marriage I have ever read I learned so much and it taught me so much I put it into practice I was fortunate enough to save my marriage even when I thought my marriage was unsalable in the end my marriage was saved thank you Mr. Dobson !!!!

[William · Rating 5 out of 5]

Now available as an e-book, which is how I read it.

Dobson is very careful to temper his advice with the priority of prayer, plus the fact that the reader can't fix his/her/their situation just by reading a book. Individualized counsel is needed. Nevertheless, he makes a strong case for his "love must be tough" position.

My personal conclusion: With God there is hope!

[Phumlani · Rating 3 out of 5]

quite a nice read. if you are interested in the issues of love and relationships, it can provide good information. if you caome accross it, i will advise that you get a copy for yourself. it is also good for married couples.

[Penney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm don't subscribe to organized religion but this book is neither about pushing a Jesus agenda nor do anything to save your marriage. It helped me realize where to draw the line in my marriage so that I reclaimed my self-respect.

[Beth E · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although a bit dated in its discussion of gender stereotypes, this is a very helpful book for seeing the genuine mistakes we all can make on the road of a happy marriage. A good refocusing and help to see how to own your own stuff and stand strong as a healthy partner.

[Reyna Macias · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great Book!

This book was recommended to me by my friend, it's helped me understand many of the struggles, guilt and hurt I endured during my separation. Had I known about this book before I wouldn't had proceeded with my divorce. 5 star book, I highly recommended!

[Kevin Key · Rating 5 out of 5]

Dobson is excellent! He covered just about everything, and was right on the money. However, he does not cover on what to do when one of the partners is mentally ill and is destructive to themselves and the family, and refuses to get professional help. I still give the a 5 rating.

[Sarah Elizabeth Smith · Rating 3 out of 5]

It wasn't ground breaking, but it was strengthening. Not much that I'd never thought of before, but it went a good ways towards helping me figure out why strength and love didn't always look the way I expected them to, and why that was okay.

[Jeni · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great book. Helped me form the courage to "get tough" in my own life.