The Muslim Marriage Guide

by Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood

A much needed manual, this marvelous book that draws from Islamic sources to provide practical advice for a Muslim couple. Far from the sociological analysis or list of rules that fill other books about Islamic marriage, this book draws from the wisdom of the Sunnah to show how to love your partner in this life and prepare each other for the next. Written with plenty of real life experience (and even humor) from Muslims living in the West, the author balances the issues of male-female differences, respect for each others rights and needs and raising God-conscious children. A must read for anyone interested in marriage. Modern life brings strains and pressures which can upset even the most compatible relationship. This means that nowadays, to protect the spirit of cooperation and happiness which is the sign of the true Islamic marriage, careful thought needs to be given to the mechanisms which help husband and wife to live together and respect each others rights. This highly readable book takes the reader through the relevant passages in the Quran and Hadith (Islamic sources), and goes on to discuss the main social and economic problems that can afflict relationships, suggesting many practical ways in which these can be resolved.

Genres: Islam, Marriage, Religion, Relationships, Nonfiction

Paperback

First published December 1, 1998

About the author

Ruqaiyyah Waris Maqsood (Rosalyn Rushbrook/Kendrick) is the author of some forty books on Islam and other subjects. She gained her honours degree in Christian Theology at the University of Hull in 1963, and Post Graduate Teaching Certificate in 1964, with distinctions in theory and practice. Her professional life was spent as Head of Religious Studies at various tough UK inner city secondary schools, until she retired in 1996, to concentrate on writing and lecturing. She has since made the GCSE course in Islamic Studies available to students and converts to Islam of all ages, especially to those who have not had the opportunity to study it at school.

She grew up a devout Christian, but converted to Islam in 1986. Already established by then as an author of books on Christian and educational topics, she has since devoted her time to writing on Islam and doing dawah (explaining the faith) work to both Christian and Muslim audiences. She regularly addresses school and church groups, explaining Islam and educating in the basics of Islam, with a keen interest in presenting Islam as a world faith. She strives to raise the awareness both of non-Muslims and also of born Muslims of the traditional immigrant ethnic backgrounds living in the UK, that these numerous varieties of cultural backgrounds, tastes and emphases are all part of Islam, including cultures that are not limited to the Middle East, the Indian subcontinent and North Africa.

Reviews

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's kind of like what the Chicken Soup marriage book is for Christians. Very empowering knowledge for a Muslim couple on how to keep each other happy backed up by Quranic scripture and hadiths.

[Hacer · Rating 3 out of 5]

I find it dangerous that books that base arguments on natural/behavioral differences of males and females fall into generalizations. I appreciated the chapter on the Prophet's wives due to its illustration of his unique treatment of each one of them, because their characters/background/ages were so different; it showed his care for the sense that each individual calls for a different relationship dynamic, a notion the rest of the book failed to accommodate. It assumed all women want to do is talk, and they all have a need to told be told irritatingly often how much they are loved. I for one am not a woman with a need for constant sharing of feelings, and I know for a fact there are many emotionally needy men out there. The average male and female may behave in similar ways, but It's not unjustifiable to expect such books to go to greater lengths to include and thereby validate a wider range of femaleness/maleness.

Some analogies in the book were problematic, but not hard to overlook. I still value this guide as a much needed reminder that the exploitation of male authority stems from a tremendous lack of knowledge/deliberate overlooking of the Sunna of the Prophet in familial matters. Muslims need to stop being apologetic about the advantage granted the male in the family in hopes of conforming to whatever, but own it up, get to work, and raise Muslim men worthy of the position.

[Hana]

Not bad - but a little disjointed, and definitely mis-marketed. I was expecting a practical manual on how to be a spouse, based on fiqh and backed up by Quran and Sunnah, but this was more subjective advice, and quite vague and general. As others have mentioned, the book is also very much geared towards telling men how to treat their wives, with little about the reverse - but I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing, given the relative preponderance of scholarship written from a male perspective.

The advice felt a little over-general at times, particularly when discussing the ways in which ‘all women’ or ‘all men’ behave/feel - but I suppose that’s somewhat unavoidable in a book this short. The emotional and spiritual chapters were a little hand-wavy and disorganised (and I’m still bemused by the multiple pages dedicated to the etiquettes of being a guest?), though it all suddenly got very specific when discussing physical intimacy. I wasn’t expecting a good 40% of this book to be spent on that, but I do appreciate the author tackling such topics that are important but often not spoken about.

I didn’t always click with the writing style: the author definitely has an over-dependence on quotation marks used for emphasis, which got annoying very quickly!

I don’t see myself referring back to this, but it did have some useful points, and I am glad I read it.

[Muamer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Knjigu prati ogroman broj pravopisnih grešaka, hadisi i ajeti nisu posebno označeni, skoro da se i ne primjeti gdje su hadisi i ajeti u tekstu.

Knjiga je namijenjena prvenstveno muslimankama, naziv knjige umjesto Vodič za muslimanski brak bi trebao biti Vodič kako biti dobar suprug. Dokaz za to je poglavlje Dobar suprug dok poglavlja Dobra supruga nema nigdje. Na mnogo mjesta se precizira šta su obaveze muškarca i šta mora raditi u cilju da usreći suprugu. Sve je to uredu ali na vrlo malo mjesta se to isto govori i za suprugu. Da ne spominjem da je sudeći po ovoj knjizi, za sve bračne probleme kriv muškarac.

[Ishy · Rating 1 out of 5]

Upon reading The Muslim Marriage Guide, I realized early on that this book was intended for an audience with stronger traditional roots than perhaps someone born in America. But honestly that didn’t even come close to my issue with this book.

The first four chapters were okay at best. A little about the benefits of marriage from an Islamic perspective and very elementary concepts/opinions about how we should treat one another.

What shocked me the most is how nearly 75% of this book is about sex or topics related to sex. The author started with all the benefits and reasons to marriage, but essentially boiled it down to sex by the fifth chapter. I was completely appalled by the inappropriate ways to which this author spoke of the prophet’s marriages almost exclusively from a sexual perspective or focusing on their conflicts without giving any clear explanation and/or discussion on how to resolve such issues.

It’s so important that extra care is taken when discussing the sunnah as to not leave any confusion or conflicting feelings among the readers. It was especially offensive to glaze over the life and contribution of Khadijah which makes me question even more the intent behind this book.

As a woman, I didn’t appreciate how we were only discussed from the perspective of stereotypical flaws and/or as having the responsible for the emotional, physical, psychological, and spiritual wellbeing of our husbands. It’s clear men are supposed to be the head of their households, but little of their responsibilities outside of making money was discussed to earn this position, especially from a modern perspective where women also make money. A common theme of rights in Islam is that they’re coupled with responsibilities and the author failed to explicitly mention the responsibilities of men to earn this title and how to perform said responsibilities. And of course, the author didn’t address how the husband should contribute to childrearing, especially as it pertains to raising their sons to be leaders of their own households someday. Sigh. 🙄

The A to Z section of marriage was a good idea, but I don’t know why I expected this author to do it justice. For some reason, most points were about sex or topics related to sex and some were just random. Why does she have a section about AIDs, but completely missed more common and curable forms of STDs like chlamydia and gonorrhea. Or perhaps common issues that arise from sex like UTIs and yeast infections. Very disappointing.

And really?! Women are prone to “psychological disorders” before or during their periods… 😑

It was clear that a lot of this book was underdeveloped and under researched, most evident when she spoke about biology and psychology, but you’d at least expect a “muslim marriage guide” to explain the requirements for marriage and how to go about getting married (an issue I know a lot of people have), but nope! Not this trash book!

Honestly, if you want some practical ways on how to love your spouse the way they’ll find it most meaningful, read The Five Love Languages. And if you’re looking for that Islamic perspective, nothing in this book offers more than what you could’ve gotten in a 20 minute video on YouTube about Islamic marriages.

Rating: ⭐️

[Hakan · Rating 3 out of 5]

I picked up this book to improve my understanding of Marriage in Islam and haven’t regretted it. It’s highly readable and packed full of useful info. Written conversationally in a friendly and down-to-earth tone, by the end of the book I felt a familiarity with Ruqaiyyah which lead me to seek her out for further discussion.

I've actually written a comprehensive review of this book extracting 16 of the biggest ideas I've learned. If you want to learn more click here

Reading through the book and revisiting the chapters to write the review, I’m convinced there are some good lessons you can pick up here.

Ruqaiyyah’s writing style makes room for a direct connection with the reader where she assumes an agony-aunt kind of role which I thought was endearing.

Male readers would benefit from hearing a female’s perspective on marriage and strengthen their overall understanding of the topic and the opposite sex in general.

I thought the penultimate chapter: “A Short A to Z of Marriage” was a fantastic idea although could have served better as an appendix. Certain indices could have been grouped together for an easier read, for example “abstinence” and “celibacy” were discussed separately when they are really talking about the same thing.

I would say the title is a little misleading. It suggests that the book is a fiqh manual for marriage in Islam rather than subjective advice from a mature Muslimah which can cause disappointment to readers expecting the former. Looking at some reviews online, I can see other reader’s making the same observations.

The text is weighted to a female perspective, a strong example is chapter 6 titled "The Good Husband" which isn't contrasted with a chapter on "The Good Wife" which is unfair.

I also found it really hard to find passages due to the fact that quotes from the Quran and hadith were not distinguishable on the page, so all text appears as her words. You have to tediously read each line to find a quote from an external source. Not sure if it's just this edition or it's the same for others also.

I was disappointed that the text wasn’t organised into clear subheadings and points to each chapter. It felt more like a mind-dump of information on every page, where the writer meandered into lots of points mixed with personal experiences, opinions and Prophetic ﷺ quotes.

I would have much preferred an organised format, with sections, chapters and subheadings. No more than a handful of points per section and a concise summary before starting the next one. This coupled with distinguishable quotes on the page and a chapter on "The Good Wife" and the book would have made a much better read.

Having said that, it’s definitely worth going-through if you want to understand an insider’s perspective of contemporary Muslim marriage in the West and include in your repertoire for future reference and inspiration.

~ Favourite Quotes ~

“For it’s love which makes a marriage – not a soppy, sentimental kind of romantic dream, but the sort of love which will roll up its sleeves and get stuck into the mess…” (pg. 8)

“Many husbands do not really listen to ‘feelings’, but to problems and how to solve them. Their reaction to her tirade is usually that she is overreacting – her problems are small and very easy to solve. And the wife explodes again. How dare he consider her problems to be small?” (pg. 108)

“If your marriage is frankly awful, then you must ask yourself how such a desperate and tragic scenario could be regarded by anyone as ‘half the Faith.'” (pg. 124)

“Discussion is an exchange of intelligence, argument is an exchange of ignorance.” (pg. 188)

[Dženan Mušanović · Rating 3 out of 5]

Prvo pitanje: Zašto sam čitao ovo? Pretpostavljam jer me dizajn korica privukao, a potom i činjenica da je knjigu preveo moj profesor Ahmet Alibašić.

Drugo pitanje: Je li bila vrijedna čitanja? Uistinu ne umijem dati iskren i potpun odgovor na ovo. Ova se knjiga čita kao vodič, što njen naziv i sugerira, vodič kroz korake koji vode ka braku, zatim raznorazne situacije u braku pritom mnogo pažnje posvećujući seksualnom aspektu bračnog odnosa. Možda samo zbog toga što autorica detabuizira pojedine stavke koje su se vremenom za islam okamenile i postale izdvojene, zabranjene i nepoželjne teme, zavređuje jedno čitanje.

Treće pitanje: Da li knjiga nudi neka nova saznanja? Teško. Pozitivna stvar kod ove knjige konkretno je to što je okrenuta modernom životu: pritiscima i iskušenjima koje taj život i tempo nose sa potencijalom da unište i najstabilniju vezu.

Dostatan je opis na posljednjoj korici koji kaže:

"Ova lahko čitljiva knjiga vodi čitaoca kroz odgovarajuće pasaže Kur'ana i Hadisa, raspravlja o glavnim društvenim, emocionalnim i seksualnim problemima koji mogu utjecati na vezu, sugerirajući mnogo praktičnih načina kako ih riješiti."

Interesantno bi bilo da se autorica udubila u pitanje seksualnosti u islamu, pa se više posvetila obradi te teme, no već je Abdoul-Wahab Bouhdiba naširoko pisao o tome pa ona ne bi rekla ništa novo (Knjigu Bouhdibe preveli su akademici Enes Karić i Rešid Hafizović, kod nas je pod nazivom Vrt milovanja). Možda meni ovo nije primamljivo i očaravajuće štivo jer ne živim život koji uglavnom opisuje autorica - bračni. Ko zna.

[Saalim Farhmand · Rating 4 out of 5]

First of all, I was quite skeptical to read this book. However, out of curiosity, I have given it a try almost as might just skim through. It is important to note that although the title is The Muslim marriage guide, I realized that it is actually a sweet, short, at times annoying yet very useful reminder and enjoyable read to anyone regardless of the religion or faith provided one is not closed-minded and prejudiced against Islam.

Further, I would like to state that at the beginning of the book, the author seems to drag certain issues too long to an extent that it gets very dull and boring at times which only skipping helps. But starting from Topic 7- Celebrating the differences, it becomes more and more enjoyable and interesting. What I liked the most is how openly the Author touches on some very crucial issues-some of which are taboos among most Muslim communities. For example, discussing issues like Sex, foreplay, Oral sex, women orgasm, G-spot...

Overall, an eye-opener for some Muslim young adults who might have never thought of the subject too seriously- especially men- and a good reminder to anyone who is married or intending to marry soon.

I might need to read it again sometime in the future perhaps. :-)

[Fatzbrekker · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's very insightful, but it's more beneficial to a man than it is to a woman.

It places a lot of focus on how a man should treat a woman, and what a wife is owed by her husband. A lot of it are basic human rights, a concept that, unsurprisingly, a lot of men today do not understand. Whilst it does create a positive reassurance for a woman because it explains her rights, a lot of it is, a) self explanatory, especially for a woman that already knows what she deserves, and b) more catered to a male audience, in particular, one that does not actually understand that his wife has rights, and what they are.

Saying all that, I did quite like how it bridged the gap between the more traditional/cultural views on marriage and the modern perspectives. Both men and women do need to understand the difference between cultural and Islamic attitudes to marriage, and actually use the Sunnah way as a baseline, rather than what the whole community thinks. Only then can a couple truly have barakah in their marriage.

I'm glad I read it, but I know my husband, and all other Muslim men, would and should take a lot more from it than I have.

[Sana Viqar · Rating 2 out of 5]

I’m so glad it’s over 🤷🏻‍♀️ A lot of things mentioned were under-researched, many analogies difficult to digest, the title should’ve been The Muslim MEN Marriage Guide as most discussions seem to be for men on how to keep their wives happy. I bought this book thinking of how it could help me be a better wife but instead learnt more on how my husband should treat me. This would be frustrating for women who are wrongly treated because they learn the extent to which their husbands are wrong, who would honestly not even pick a book like this.
Wouldn’t recommend save a few paragraphs here are there.

[Rasma · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good book, an eye opener to the reality of marriage, both the beauty and the ugly aspects of this humanizing institute, her knowlege/ wisdom/ insight all really makes the book more practical and reliable. I enjoyed it most due to the beautiful way in which the author brings together the spritual and worldy , allowing the reader to understand the Islamic tradition and thus find joy in following its way.

[Amirah Maliki · Rating 4 out of 5]

A very readable book esp to look at marriage from a woman point if view. Primed the mind on how to think of marriage and look at the bigger picture, setting visions. It also discusses many main problems in marriage from many aspects (including those which might be a taboo and been shied away) in frank clear polite language.

[Azi · Rating 5 out of 5]

I must say, i had low expectations for this book, assuming it would contain everything that someone with basic knowledge of Islamic life would know. It blew my mind. I doggy ear pages of books that have important content for my own future reference. One third of this book (if not more) has been doggy-eared! Fantastic book!

[⏾⋆.˚ naji˚.⋆ · Rating 4 out of 5]

My mother was gifted this book when she got married, and she passed the book down to me. Lots of really beautiful insights and takes on the responsibilities and duties of a wife in marriage (along with the beauty and closeness that comes with them) through an Islamic approach, not a Western one. I’d recommend to anyone preparing for marriage or learning about it

[Zaf · Rating 3 out of 5]

Didn’t learn much from this book as most was common sense
The book seemed more aimed at men

[Aisha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Simple, really great book; clear explanations of every topic, great that is backed up by quotes.
Loved the stories fo the Prophet.

[Ibna · Rating 4 out of 5]

A little subjective, but gives good references to Quran and Hadith on the topic

[Sabra · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars

[Khadijah Hayley · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is wonderfully balanced between roles of husbands and wives and it is a refreshing read that doesn’t fixate on all the ways a woman should honour her man while ignoring all the ways that man should cherish her in return. This book is different to most marriage books I’ve read, and I loved that. The chapters on physical intimacy were incredibly detailed, which I think is definitely needed for a Muslim audience! I didn’t agree with every stance or advice in this book, but usually it was just a case of me wanting a little more explanations or specific advice for certain circumstances. Overall, I would definitely recommend this book to those who want to discover how traditional gender roles can actually work in harmony and be enriching rather than suffocating.

[Dariant Virgi · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is actually my first time reading Muslim marriage guide book written by a women author.
most Islamic scholar writing this kind of book is usually male. hence this book brings a little sneak peak of a muslim marriage from a women point of view.
i personaly love the last chapter of the book. where she make a good a - z of muslim marriage plus short tips for the "newbies"
but. it's has becomes my habit lately, to do some background research (read:Googling) about the author before i completed the book.
and unfortunately i found many disagreement with some of her point of view regarding hadist of the prophets saw.
at the end. she is still an ustadha on her own rights, despite my disagreement with her.
i still recommend this book, for those who wants to learn "the art of marriage"

[Zuliana Bt Ghazali]

Marriage is such as important step in life that one Blessed Prophet spoke of marriage as being ‘half of religion.’

This book explains in detail the key to a happy Marriage and what a good Muslim should do to make his or her marriage successful.

Because marriage fulfils so many basic needs of individuals and of society, it is the cornerstone upon which the while Muslim life is built.

This highly-readable book takes the reader through the relevant passages in the Quran and Hadith, and goes on to discuss the main social, emotional and sexual problems that can afflict relationships, suggesting many practical ways in which these can be resolved.

[Elitza · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I didn't agree with some aspects of this book, I really enjoyed it. I thought that it was an easy read that offered solid advice and wisdom. I think that even if you are not Muslim, or religious, there is still a lot of good ideology in this book. It would be very helpful for anyone (specifically heterosexual couples) getting married. I like that it fairly talks about both future husbands and wives, and addresses each gender within the text.

[Shaz · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for all Muslims married or plannin to!!

[Imraan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short, concise, easy-to-read book for Muslims, both male and female, that are considering marriage or are already married.

Highly recommended!

[Asma · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must have book for any married couple or those contemplating marriage.

[INDERPREETKAUR]

i want to read the book because my disertation topic is related to this book