Contrary to Love: Helping the Sexual Addict

by Patrick J. Carnes

This resource identifies the stages and progression of sex addiction, including assessment, intervention, and treatment methods.

Public humiliation, broken families, and ruined careers are just some of the tragic results when sex behavior is out of control. And as the media reports each new case, we ask ourselves the disturbing question, Why?

In this sequel to Out of the Shadows , author and leading expert in the field of sex addiction, Patrick Carnes adds new insight and findings, building on his original descriptive framework. Stages and progression of the illness are identified. Family structure, bonding, and boundaries are examined in depth. Finally, assessment, intervention, and treatment methods are outlined, with the goal--and the hope--of ultimate recovery.

A resource for therapists who treat those with sexual addiction as well as recovering addicts.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Sexuality, Counselling, Addiction

312 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 1989

About the author

Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., is an internationally known authority and speaker on addiction and recovery issues. He has authored over twenty books including the bestselling titles Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction, Facing the Shadow, Betrayal Bond, Don’t Call It Love, A Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps and The Gentle Path through the Twelve Principles.

Dr. Carnes’ research provides the architecture for the “task model” of treating addictions that is used by thousands of therapists worldwide and many well-known treatment centers, residential facilities, and hospitals. He founded IITAP (International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals), which provides CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) training and certification as well as cutting-edge information for addiction professionals. Dr. Carnes currently serves as a Senior Fellow and Executive Director for the Gentle Path Program at The Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona.

Reviews

[Joanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't what I could say that would do this book justice. For women who have read The Courage To Heal, it's a bit like that. The book is written by a man, written for either sex, and is pretty much straight forward talking about what is and is not sex addiction. Even then, you can't help but be left with the solid feeling that there is no judgement, only understanding and compassion, and tips on how to recover.

There is a test, of sorts, inside, and quite a lot of mini tales, case studies, with patients. I was glad to see that this book could encompass the whole spectrum of sex addiction, from the smallest acts that seem to affect no one but oneself, to felonious and often horrifying ways in which this form of addiction can act itself out.

The key difference that I got from the book was in deciphering whether or not sex was being used as a glorious expression of pleasure, however you like it, or is the intent in the sex act a form of escapism? Is it boredom, anxiety, stress, depression, whatever...? I had honestly never thought the line could be drawn so easily before, but once I read it, I knew he was absolutely right.

Although I wasn't reading the book for my own issues, it did shed a lot of light on some major issues in my past, and gave me a hell of a lot to think about. I would recommend this book to any adult, really. Maybe even teenagers, although I'm not sure they would be able to grasp the subtle complexities of the issues and end up more confused than they were to begin with!

He really pushes for a 12 step program at the end, and although he clearly explains what seems to be very sound reasons for it, I do wish he had offered some other sources of help and support for sex addicts as well. Still, a magnificent bit of insight into human sexuality, and how it can become incorrectly woven into the other issues of our lives.

Brilliant.

[Josh Treece · Rating 5 out of 5]

The second of Carnes' books I've read, this one is more geared toward people in the helping professions looking to help addicts overcome their addiction.

While Carnes does go a little deeper in his explanations of the machinations of addiction, he spends more time on treatment philosophies and practices.

[Stephanie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Explores the topic of sexual addiction, including pornography. I like the explantion of the addiction and recovery process. It is a bit dated now that the internet can play a large role in sexual addiction.

[Pete Dematteo · Rating 2 out of 5]

mr. carnes is a guru. sexual addiction is merely another word for letting loneliness, intimacy challenges, and lack of fufillment interfere with your life. it's situational and those experiencing it are in fact not powerless, but instead chose not to bare the discomfort of abstainance via attaching imaginary danger to it. better to attend 6 or 7 meeting of RECOVERY INTERNATIONAL to gain perspective, and if you don't, to move on, just as seeing a shrink or counselor would be the same case! plus, uconditionally advocating 12 step programs that have a bunch of participants without the presence of a therapist is profoundly dangerous. in the day and age that carnes wrote this book, everyone with challenges which let their lives get out of hand was referred to a 12 step program immediately. now, as of 2024, we know that most have little effect and can even be used as coffee-clatches or places to make friends, instead of focusing on being 'sober' and/or 'abstanant'. in my case, it was long-term impotence and no longer having the financial means to own a car which resulted in abstaining from the enslavement of this behavior. simple as that and end of story. delving, probing, and analyzing up a literal storm and then making a career out of it just doesn't cut it in my book!

[Samantha Buettner · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book but it is definitely more clinical than his other work - Out of the shadows.