Anotha AC, anotha rather pathetic hero. Forget the flimsy, logic-defying premise which U can find in a gazillion HP. The revenge plot skates on thin ice but I went along for the ride. In this case, he means to get a freebie too, the non-descript chaperone, as he goes on his half-assed mission to deflower the daughter of his nemesis. As a bespectacled chick, I'm resigned to the rehashed fact that anytime a boinkable heroine masquerades as an unappealing debutante screener, tinted glasses are a must, along w/ a dull cap to cover up the crowning glory. Did heroines go buy these gadgets @ dime-a-dozen camouflage kiosks ? For once I woulda loved to read a vision-impaired heroine w/ a porcelain face full of unpopped zits, nicotine-stained teeth, dragon breath, frizzy hair decorated w/ split ends & the whole enchilada. Now that's wot I'd call a mighty challenge to make hero see beyond the imperfections. Say, wouldn't it be sweet if he had bought her a hair extension as a token of his appreciation for her problematic hair ? But oh no, we just gotta be satisfied w/ the mountains & valleys of emo between a stalkerazzi hero who can't take no for an answer & a non-virginal heroine living w/ the constant fear of having her past caught up w/ her. For a seasoned Rake of McSluts, his flirting skills seemed to be unpolished. So unpolished that his targeted young victim could see thru' his transparent ruse that the object of his affection was to her left, the dragon-like heroine. She even gave him some pep talk in the midst of his limp kidnapping attempt, that he's shooting himself in the foot by taking her away. But it's not even the worst part. We're told that hero has a permanent scar from his previous duel. Gee I wonder why. Could it be cuz he got major dueling ADD ? Imagine that, when he's supposed to be concentrating on his duel against the heroine's former suitor, his eyes just happen to wander off to the sky, lo & behold, the shade is similar to the purrfectly pale blue of Antonia's eyes. The memory cuts like a knife & he briefly closes his eyes in pain. Holy shit ! I got shot ! WTF ! Earth paging Nicholas, U've been shot by a nincompoop ! Oh yeah I can totally see why he hatches up this 20 y/o elaborate plan to ruin the offspring of the dude who left a bun in his sista's toaster, it's as obvious as the 500 ton lavender unicorn that he's not a crack shot. Mayhap I've been ruined by my dreamboat Simon, the bloodthirsty hero in The Serpent prince. I want my hero to be single-minded & relentlessly slash away @ all the baddies w/ no 2nd thoughts. Wot do we get here instead ? An unfocused hero who daydreams & wavers w/ his belated conscience, shoots to empty air after his lapse in concentration landed a bullet in his hawt bod, then lures heroine back cuz he's on his deathbed. I'm getting flashback to previous AC book where hero got his ass kicked & escaped by the skin of his teeth, only popped up again to prevent heroine's holy matrimony in the nick of time. See a formulaic pattern here ? Our current heroine is also considering a marriage proposal thrown down on the last steps before HEA. So anti-climactic. The epilogue again shows that hero really can't grasp the concept that his sista is truly devoted to her convent life. Oh no, despite numerous serene reassuring letters from her, he's still not convinced & wanna whisk her away from her penance.
I don't mind obsessive-possessive hero in fiction, it's kinda hawt, I'm just weird that way... but in reality it ain't cool, I'd get a lifelong restraining order. So I just wish the heroine woulda given him a run for his money, instead of melting by chapter one. Eh where's the challenge when she already itches to spread her wheels so soon after he lasers in on her ? The weirdest things also coincidentally occur in the course of the story. The heroine's former suitor just happens to be in the same random inn hero is in. He again shows up @ the right place @ the right time, not long after H/h exchange bodily fluids. Oh and the heroine's bro just happens to barge in when heroine almost blurts out her response, the morning after the villain popped the question. Oh and the villain's offspring just happens to sprint to the heroine when she's about to embark on her 1st journey to home sweet home w/ bro, telling her that hero is about to expire & boom ! It just dawms on heroine that she's in luv w/ hero. Just like annoying pop-up ads that play peek-a-boo when web-surfing but there's no blocker.
I'm accustomed to AC's penchant for repetitive overwrought prose, but here are some honorable mentions :
~ Succulent tug of her muscles (I luv oh-so-meaty tug-of-war, the more friction, the bettah !)
~ Voluptuous enjoyment (I must be slow on the uptake cuz I really dunno wot this means !)
~ Voluptuous pleasure (seriously, how voluptuous are we talking about here ?)
~ Plump delta (yeah who would get a boner seeing a skinny bony whiskery delta of Venus ?)
~ Vermillion darkness (I thought darkness only had one shade ?!? I must be color blind ! No wonder I failed my aviator test !)
~ Raging forest fire (is there such a thing as forest anger management ?)
~ He was as hot as a big open fire (hawt enuff to roast some marshmallows on his succulent ass)
~ His touch trailed fire (look, mommie, a trailblazer !)
~ You'd go up like fire ( quick ! Call the fire dept. ! Oh BTW, wot's the # for 911 circa Dark Ages ?)
~ The woman who turned his nights to fire (prime the fire extinguisher when she's in the vicinity !)
~ He should smell like fire & brimstone (I dunno wot it smells like cuz I have no sense of smell !)
~ Unaccountably disconcerted by that wordless exchange of fire (silent rapid rat-tat-tat-tat ?)
~ Before the kiss took fire (Nuffink shmexier than ashes-laden, throbbing lips ! Muah !)
~ He sensed a woman of fire on the inside (I was born w/ failed olfactory nerve, dammit !)
~ Eloise had her share of pride & fire (Dow Jones was up by a whopping 2 cents ?)
~ Banked fire lit his eyes (should Antonia spray him w/ Visine eye drops ?)
~ Hunger blasted like cannon fire (1st-degree burn is such a turn-on !)
~ Everywhere he glanced, her skin took fire (get the ice pack outta reticule, pronto !)
~ No wonder she looked furious enough to release a blast of dragon fire upon her tormenter (try some mint !)
If U want a book that really showcases all the reasons why it's imperative to live next door to a fire dept, look no further. A cheap ass fire alarm won't do it for ya.