Limbo

by A. Manette Ansay

From childhood, acclaimed novelist A. Manette Ansay trained to become a concert pianist. But at nineteen, a mysterious muscle disorder forced her to give up the piano, and by twenty-one, she couldn't grip a pen or walk across a room. She entered a world of limbo, one in which no one could explain what was happening to her or predict what the future would hold. At twenty-three, beginning a whole new life in a motorized wheelchair, Ansay made a New Year's resolution to start writing fiction, rediscovering the sense of passion and purpose she thought she had lost for good. "Writing fiction began for me as a side effect of illness, a way to live beyond my body when it became clear that this new, altered body would be mine to keep. A way to fill the hours that had once been occupied by music. A way to achieve the kind of closure that, once, I'd found in prayer.

Limbo takes its title from the Catholic belief in a place between heaven and hell that is neither, one that Ansay imagines as "a gray room without walls, a gray floor, a gray bench . . . .You wouldn't know how long you'd been in that room, or how much longer you had to go." Thirteen years and five books later, still without a firm diagnosis or prognosis, Ansay reflects on the ways in which the unraveling of one life can plant the seeds of another, and considers how her own physical limbo has challenged -- in ways not necessarily bad -- her most fundamental assumptions about life and faith.

Luminously written, Limbo is a brilliant and moving testimony to the resilience of the human spirit.

Genres: Memoir, Nonfiction, Disability, Medicine, Biography, Medical, Contemporary

288 pages, Hardcover

First published July 25, 2006

About the author

A. Manette Ansay grew up in Wisconsin among 67 cousins and over 200 second cousins. She is the author of six novels, including Good Things I Wish You (July, 2009), Vinegar Hill, an Oprah Book Club Selection, and Midnight Champagne, a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award, as well as a short story collection, Read This and Tell Me What It Says, and a memoir, Limbo. Her awards include a National Endowment for the Arts Grant, a Pushcart Prize, the Nelson Algren Prize, and two Great Lakes Book Awards. She lives with her daughter in Florida, where she teaches in the MFA program at the University of Miami.

Reviews

[Jessica]

I have lost my ability to star-rate books and also my interest in reviewing them.

I really enjoyed this but I'm not an objective reader, in this instance because I know and adore the author, but also much more generally. I mean, I can't believe I used to write book reviews all the time on here. That now seems pretty much impossible and insane.

Reading reviews of this book reminded me about how everyone's crazy. I always forget this and am repeatedly shocked when I see other reviews on here of books I've read. It makes you wonder why writers bother writing anything, I mean, best case scenario some lunatic shambles by and picks up your book and has some completely bizarre response to it.

Anyway. I'm keeping my own deranged opinions about the books I read to myself for awhile.

Sad, but I suppose it makes time to do other things.

[Elizabeth Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

A moving story about a young pianist struck by an odd muscular disease, and her transformation into a novelist. There are some exceptional moments of beauty in this story. Here's my favorite:

My coat hangs on a peg by the door; I put it on, step outside into the sudden silence of a vast cathedral. The cold is stunning. Radiant. My eyes smart and tear. Snow has erased the roof of the barn, the shed, the milk house. The winter sky presses down, the color of smoke, and I smell the burning barrel as I follow the partially shoveled path toward the barn, follow the harsh rasp of my sneakers. Somewhere, a crow coughs. A loose shingle flaps. Around me, the fields hold the absolute weight of sleep, fringed by yellow stubble, a few dark clots of earth.

A word shapes itself in my mind: HOLY. It splits the crude shell of the word I've been taught and emerges, shimmering and whole. God is here, in these dormant fields, in the bald-headed woods beyond. God is in the crow's call, and the watery shadows cast by the barn. God is in my restlessness. God is in my love of this place and my fear that I will never find the courage to leave it, that it will smother me gently and sweetly and indifferently, like a sleeping parent rolling over upon a child. God is in the thrum and hush and spin of the world beyond. God is a moment like this one: reverent, transcendent, when the very air seems to shine.

[Mary K · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book was, for me, as jerky as a mine train in an amusement park. The first relatively short section was gorgeous and captivating. Ansay takes us into the world of her physical pain and her maddening and unsuccessful attempt to learn what was wrong with her. Then she jumps to her Catholicism and disillusionment with it but there’s nothing fresh or interesting there. We see her the discomfort in her German community with The War and Ansay’s shock that she never learned about the Holocaust - but she zips right through that, and then there’s a VERY long section on her once-hopeful career as a pianist, but her illness prevents that. Then we’re on to her decision to become a writer. I was skimming by this time and stopped short of reading the last 20-30 pages. There was just no story there.

[Heidi (can’t retire soon enough) · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is probably a book I wouldn't have read except that it was a book club choice. The positive-- well-written and she's best when she's discussing her family and childhood. The negative-- it was all-over the place and quite frankly the inner turmoil of her devotion to catholicism seemed forced in at times and almost repetitive. I do think the author's willingness to let go and live in the now (which led her to another career) was very admirable and touching as well, but it felt like a short story married with a religious essay.

[Maya · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read a lot of memoirs and most of them I really disliked. Often I feel that they are over-the-top stories of abuse or neglect and if they are in fact close to what actually happened then it is just too depressing to want to read about. I always also wonder if the bad things that happen are given so much more importance and play in a memoir that it does a disservice to the memoirists real history.

Limbo is not like this. I really enjoyed Ansay's book in which she weaves together bits of her childhood, early adulthood, her father's early adulthood, and her mysterious illness. She uses repetition in a really effective back and forth way that mimics how often issues in life reoccur. And she is neither self-pitying nor self-aggrandizing.

In fact, I enjoyed her writing so much that I've added her novel "Vinegar Hill" to my to-read list.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Eh. I was really interested to read this story because of everything the author went through and how she was able to move on with her life.
BUT - man...the constant negativity from start to finish of the book made it so difficult to finish. I'm not sure why I expected a more upbeat, uplifting tone, but I did (so sue me), and I was sorely disappointed.
She had more than her share of tragedy, yes, but she also had family and friends and a religion that she turned her back on. I don't know, it just all got to be a bit much.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

For those who love autobiographies about unusual lives, of those who have conquered trial and tribulations to keep to a life worth living.

I turned every page in this book with fervour, interest and worry. I was interested in this book as the author is a author of popular fiction books in the USA. I would love if Manette would write more non-fiction books as I could not put her early life story down.

Beautifully told story. A real gem of a book.

[Theresa · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 Well-written, but a bit jumpy in moving around the various sections of her life. The author became a writer after having to deal with a debilitating illness that kept her from her dream of being a musician. Kudos to her for figuring out her path and succeeding in it.

[Jimmi · Rating 2 out of 5]

I first read A. Manette Ansay's novel "Vinegar Hill" several years ago and thought it was amazing. Since then, I have read several other books by this author, and have enjoyed them. I can't say the same about her memoir, however. I have been trying to read the book over the last year, and each time I put it down again and again. It was hard to see the connection between the descriptive, engrossing novels I was used to reading, and the meandering, scattered thoughts that detailed her failed professional music career and loss of faith which eventually led her to choose writing "Writing fiction began for me as a side effect of illness, a way to live beyond my body when it became clear this new, altered body would be mine to keep." She parallels her own undiagnosed illness with her father's TB illness at the age of 19. It was painful to read about her own ongoing pain issues, which reminded me of my dad and his health problems, and unfortunate that there was no resolution of these problems at the end of the book, like there is in her novels. "The truth is this: I do not know my destination. All I know is the circle of light is just ahead, its shifting geography. And suddenly, more than anything else in the world, I want to write down what I see. Because it isn't a shame so much as a wonder, if only because it's so far away from anything I might have imagined or dreamed. The way my father's life is different from what he had imagined, coming in from the field, coming home from the san, and thinking it was all over for him when, in fact, it was only beginning."

[Jane · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is one of those books that I hate to write anything negative about. The author sufffered enough that I feel bad not giving her more stars. In fairness though, I just did not really like this book. I've read so many memoirs over the years and I've read about people that have suffered and the ones that I give the highest ratings are the ones that are somehow still uplifting, inspiring and even funny. This was probably among the most honest memoir as there was no sugar coating anything, however it was missing the part left me feeling really good. I certainly admired her strength of character and ability to move on with her life. Maybe what was missing was a feeling of connection to her. Anyway, I continued to think about her for days after reading it and perhaps that counts for another star. How about we settle for 2.5 stars?

[Laurie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This biography will certainly not appeal to everyone. For me it is a window into my people, the Luxembourger immigrants to the American MidWest who are rarely written about. Also, the author's exploration of how to live with unexplainable, constant pain was incredibly helpful to me at the time. Inexplicable things happen and they don't mean anything, they are just, and must be lived with.

[Holly · Rating 4 out of 5]

It's hard to believe that this memoir is true, not because it isn't well written, but because the story of Ann's life, and the inexplicable physical challenges she faces are so painfully incredible. This is the story of her experience with a sudden-onset, debilitating and chronic condition and how she bravely met it head-on, but it is also a fascinating story of her life growing up in small town, Port Washington, Wisconsin, in the 1970's and 80's, living in a devout Catholic family, who sometimes struggled to make ends meet. She talks about losing her Faith and about her first destiny as a concert pianist. Challenges with her immediate and extended family, small town dynamics, being bullied, her Catholic faith, her disability and her careers all feature prominently as she finds a way to overcome these struggles and persist.

[Dave · Rating 3 out of 5]

My 3rd by the author, but the first in 15 years. Like the other two, the book was OK. There was unintentional comedy when she talked about being traumatized by the idea that God is male. Really? I never lost my shit because Mother Nature is a woman. For someone who's been through such a horrible physical ailment you came off pretty weak there.

The best part of the book, one that would likely make for a good novel, is the author leaving her small town in Wisconsin for a music school in Baltimore. The city is Wire-ish gritty; she gets propositioned walking down the street by men who assume she's a hooker; she loses her faith; and her musical ambitions begin to look unattainable as her body fails her.

[Leslie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found more than a few commonalities with this author. She is strong, brave, and a determined attitude (to say the very least). This gal does not let a setback define her! There are a few odd themes or imagery within the book that I didn’t see the purpose or if it was part of a greater storyline line that originally had more shape and pages dedicated to it.

Overall, though, some fabulous writing. The line by line writing is good but the whole overarching story wasn’t as strong in the last section of the book. The writing wasn’t as tight and the author seemed to take a huge turn and start giving writing tips. Save for Q&A or essay or even book. It changed the entire feel of the book. That’s my biggest issue. 4/5

[Becky · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a very interesting read; her documentation of her ongoing illness, her struggles with her faith, and the idiotic “helpful” advice/comments from those around her…especially strangers. Why do strangers think they have the right to comment on others lives? Reading this memoir has given me a new perspective for the musicians at the symphony! Why did I have no idea of the pain they might have to endure??

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

It took me a little while to get into the rhythm of this book, but once I did it was quite lovely. I've had this book on my shelves for 10 years or so and am glad I finally read it. I got the impression that it would be much more about her illness than it was. She does write about her illness, but it's so much more than that.

[kglibrarian (Karin Greenberg) · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came across this memoir while organizing the biography shelves in my high school library--what a hidden gem! On her way to becoming a concert pianist, the author developed a mysterious muscle disease when she was 19, changing the course of her life. Gorgeous writing that explores faith, friendship, family, disability, and unrealized dreams.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

She is such a beautiful writer and such an inspiration for anyone dealing with a disability.

[Kari Jo · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a great telling of Ansay's journey of discovering and rediscovering identity through family, religion, disability, music, and writing.

[Mary · Rating 4 out of 5]

I stumbled on this book. So excellent!

[Esther Dushinsky · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’d give this book 6 stars if I could. The lyrical writing style, weaving between thoughts, concepts and facts, the depths of meaning on each page left me breathless.

[Nicole · Rating 1 out of 5]

don't bother

[Jovis · Rating 3 out of 5]

At first sight of the book, I got curious how a memoir could be entitled "Limbo". I read the back cover and left still wondering why. I just really had to read what's inside.

"But the human body, like the life it leads, is ultimately, a mystery, and to live my life without restraint, to keep moving forward instead of looking back, I have had to let go of that need to understand why what has happened has happened, and indeed, is happening still."

This book contains admirable wondering and coming to terms to the unanswerable why. She was able to draw the reader to see her past as a pianist and the changes that happened since the 'disabling'.

What I learned from reading this book is this: It is unknown what life holds ahead of us. It may be magical or tragic or simple in all aspects. The suspense allows us to hope and it's our choice that we do. No matter what, life goes on. No matter how uncertain, just hold on.

[Haddayr · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is an interesting, beautifully-written book about a woman growing up in rural Wisconsin in a very catholic family and community, and how it shaped the way she viewed many things: one of them disability. And it's a story about how she became disabled. She has been disabled for, I believe, 16 years, and still has no diagnosis or prognosis, which is why I was so interested in the first place.

Ansay is a lyrical writer. Her descriptions of training for a future as a pianist, the strange reaction of her hometown to her "thinking she's too good for them," her feelings about disability and her friends and family, were all very interesting.

To be honest, though, I would have pruned this book by about 1/3. She makes her point, and then she brings up 4 more examples from her life. Repeatedly.

I heartily recommend the book. But I confess toward the end I started skimming her childhood memories.

On a personal note, I was fascinated how a girl in a conservative catholic home and town got the same messages about strength and fault and blame and disability that I got in my atheist, predominantly urban or suburban home (I did live on a farm for a while, but it was a totally different experience and really a very small part of my life).

[Callie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Her quotes about writing are good. Here's some I want to remember:

EM Forster said that writing a novel is like driving a car at night with the headlights on: you can't see your final destination, but you can see enough to make the whole trip that way.

Meaning is the color of whatever lens we happen to wear when we look at our lives. Like fiction, meaning evolves out of our own fascination and need, a structure we invent from facts that, on their own, would add up to very little.Like fiction, it tells a story that may or may not have anything to do with our lives. Yet if we tell the story well enough, it becomes believeable. It becomes true.

I wrote for myself, out of wonder and fascination, in the absolute freedom of anonymity. And in doing so, I rediscovered the spirituality I thought I had lost along with my Catholicism. Only now, that spirituality was articulated in a new way. Where once, I would have altered my perceptions of the world to fit the contours of my faith, I now shaped narrative worlds that reflected my honest perceptions--worlds filled with contradictions and blurred edges. Worlds filled with questions rather than answers. Worlds that often served as windows into a larger sense of mystery.

[Julie Miller · Rating 5 out of 5]

Memoirs are my very favorite type of book, and 'Limbo' is a perfect example of why that is. I was transported and felt connected to Ansay completely. The only issues I ever have with memoirs is that sometimes the writing isn't up to par in spite of a good story. No problem here, Ansay is a flawless writer. I especially like how she describes how she comes to grips with her illness without insisting on finding "meaning" or a sense that she was destined for this or that there is some spiritual significance to her illness. I very much identified with her Catholic upbringing-- and ultimate rejection of Catholicism and all of her reasons why. I appreciated her descriptions of her German family influences. Lastly, being a transplant to Wisconsin, it resonated with me because I recognized the rural Wisconsin sensibilities of many people I've befriended here. I have not read any of Ansay's fiction, but I can't wait to start reading it now.

[Stevie Holcomb · Rating 4 out of 5]

It surprised me, as I'm sure it surprised everyone, that Ansay has suffered all this time. I picked up this book thinking it was a novel and set in to read it as such. When I realized it was her memoirs, it didn't deter me from reading--it reads like fiction. Her writing style is so rhythmic, so bouncy--words and sentences form in your brain and dance there, lilting off the page. She is just amazing, as a writer, and as a person.

My mother was diagnosed with cancer last year. I know everyone has a personal tragedy like this, life is nothing but...but still, this book spoke to me and told me that things like this are not the end. Never. They are the beginning of something different.

Everyone should read this beautiful work of art.

[Kalani · Rating 3 out of 5]

I didn't know anything about this author before I read her memoir. I always find it interesting to read about people who are about my age. A musical prodigy, she was stricken in her early 20's with a mysterious and debilitating muscular disease that caused her to have to quit playing the piano and completely change her life's goals. Raised Catholic, she also eventually left her religion and questioned the existence of God. Although I do not agree with many of her choices, this was a well-written book and I enjoyed it very much.

[C · Rating 3 out of 5]

I adored the first half of this book. The best bits were v. much like "Lying," another brilliant female illness memoir, except Ansay's language is a bit more reigned in and feels less nostalgic, less backward-looking. Everything seems to be happening as you read it. I thought the ending was a bit too sum-uppy, too "that was my illness narrative and this is everything I learned from it." It lacked the condensed, fractured punch of the rest of the text. Still, a wonderful memoir. (Plus it takes place in Baltimore!)

[Amanda · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't really connect with this author like I'd hoped to. The book was incredibly scattered and it seemed like she was describing bits and pieces of her life rather than a coherent memoir with one theme. Her explanation for how she came to write fiction was just lacking and almost annoying -- "It was great therapy and oh, by the way, I have these other novels you should read too." It left me with a sour taste and bumped my rating from 3 to 2.